May 10, 2007
A Different Kind of Project Plan
Maybe it's best to have a once a week update on the Lemonheads, or else people will think I'm baby crazy (which I'm not, but I admit being knocked up does factor in my mind somewhat).
So far, everything here is fine. I've hit week 15 now, and this is where the parties get started.
Being pregnant is not unlike being a project manager-there are a lot of project targets that you have to hit and a whole lot of milestones that are coming up. When you're doing IVF, you're maybe a little more aware of the milestones:
Project Milestone 1 - Start fertility drugs
Project Milestone 2 - Egg retrieval of the crappy amount of eggs I produced
Project Milestone 3 - Put the little suckers back in there, once they partied with some Angus sperm
Project Milestone 4 - Pregnancy test
Project Milestone 5 - first ultrasound check for heartbeat
Project Milestone 6 - second ultrasound check-heart still beating?
Project Milestone 7 - Hand off to OB-GYN
Project Milestone 8 - First trimester ends
Project Milestone 9 - Nuchal scan and the resulting fear
Project Milestone 10 - Hang out and be glad the puking is over
Project Milestone 11 - Scan at 20 weeks to check growth
and then lots of little milestones after Milestone 11 to ensure they're still growing, they're not re-enacting "North and South" in there, and that they're ok, before you hit the project completion stage:
Project Completion - Birth the little suckers
But throughout the whole project are mitigations involving the risk register. There are always risks, right? Every project has risks. This project has all kinds of risks-we had a risk of miscarriage (and, with "high-risk twins", as my doctors call my pregnancy, we still do). We had a subchorionic hemotoma baking away in my uterus, which caused bleeding and had a risk of miscarriage (it's gone now). We had a risk of Down's syndrome (and I guess technically we still do, as we only tested one of the twins but the other twin has a 1:898 chance of having Down's, and I'll take those odds.) We have a risk of anemia. We have a risk of pre-eclampsia. We have a risk of pre-term labor.
Risks, risks, risks.
It's hard to relax-when you have people screeching at you that your babies are high risk, it sort of registers with you. At the same time, our Lemonheads have proven time and time again that they are absolutely superheroes who haven't given us a reason to not believe in them. So believe I will.
I don't think any of this makes me unique. I get the feeling that unless you're one of the trainwrecky Duggars, for whom giving birth is as normal as getting your teeth cleaned, that all pregnancies come with a degree of concern. Maybe that's the shape of the game, and once they're born the concerns continue-Will SIDS pop its horrible head up? Will they have learning problems? Will they sleep through the night soon? Will they be potty trained by the time they get to high school? Will they really want to tattoo the back of their head?
Maybe that's a part of having kids.
What's harder for me to get used to is the fact that my body, it's not mine anymore. The other morning I woke up and lazily stretched. My stomach - which has become an extremely hard mound - surged and moved, and then settled again. I stared at it and wondered if Sigourney Weaver was going to pop out of it. I have no idea what happened, but it was as though I was inhabited by something else, which I suppose in truth that's what's going on.
Pregnancy for me has become ticking off each milestone. I have also had to change request a number of project tasks into my Lemonhead project plan-as the doctor put me on iron tablets and a pregnant woman already has digestive problems, I didn't know I'd spend my day praying to the god of Fig Newtons if he'd just let me poop that day. That's become a daily task. Another daily task is checking for signs of life in there, because although singleton pregnancies don't feel babies moving until about 17-18 weeks, twins make themselves known earlier, and one of the Lemonheads is situated just under the skin of my stomach, so that Lemonhead really should be any day now.
I never expected to actually get pregnant, and as time goes on I'm more and more surprised that I'm staying pregnant. It's as though I actually stand a chance of having the Lemonheads now. It's getting to a strange time - I'm 15 weeks pregnant today. As of next week's 16 weeks pregnant, if the babies decide it's time to come out it won't be considered a miscarriage, but instead it would be a stillbirth. Unlike my previous miscarriage which had me emitting blood clots the size of my palm while I sat vacantly on the couch watching Scrubs, from here on if something went wrong I'd be going into labor.
But nothing will go wrong, right?
We still sometimes struggle with the enormity of it all. Angus is unhappy today as we toured the nursery we've been thinking of. The cost alone is depressing, but add in to the fact that the twins won't be attending nursery until at least next March but there's already a waiting list which basically screams "you can't get in until May", and the depression deepens. A year's waiting list for two babies that aren't even born yet. I was delighted by the nursery, actually-happy bouncy kids and a host of toys designed to stimulate and educate, loads of bright colors and projects that the kids do themselves-filled the place. But it's weird to fill out a waiting list form for something that's only just the size of your fist.
Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with a screaming migraine (yet another fun side effect of being pregnant. When I told my consultant about the migraines, he told me to take Tylenol and drink water. If HE had these kind of headaches, I can tell you he wouldn't be taking Tylenol and water himself.) I was in pretty bad shape yesterday-I passed clean out for most of the afternoon and went to bed early in hopes of getting rid of the screaming agony. But as I sat there in the afternoon, trying to write a technical spec outside of my screaming headache, I had a funny sensation inside. It was like a few bubbles moving just below the surface of my stomach, a strange feeling of a smooth bump, like there was something turning just below my navel.
I put a hand to my stomach.
Another milestone.
"Hello there," I said. "I'm your mommy."
And as each day passes, they become more real.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
I don't mind the updates, in fact I keep checking for picture updates of the lemonheads spaceship. By the way, you are finally showing and it makes me excited for you!! Yay!!
I havne't ever had kids, so I don't know first hand- but I think every pregnancy is marked by the various milestones, especially the "high risk" ones. The best part is that you ARE reaching those milestones after having tried so hard :-) Tell the Leomnheads I said "Hello" next time their awake and kicking!
Posted by: Angela at May 10, 2007 11:35 AM (DGWM7)
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I totally hear you about waiting lists for nurseries. I had a similar issue when trying to decide where I'd use.
My first 3 appts after being told I was high risk, I would basically sit in the car afterwards and cry. I was so nervous and worried all the time. Thankfully, now my crying is limited to sappy movies about "how to give your newborn a bath"...
Posted by: Minawolf at May 10, 2007 12:19 PM (75szC)
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The Lemonheads could not be any luckier than to have two loving anxious people awaiting their safe arrival. The little flutter is something you will never ever forget, among many other things!
Rest up and enjoy this experience!
Posted by: Steff at May 10, 2007 12:22 PM (fIFtd)
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Isn't that just the coolest thing ever? Just that little "blip blip blip"? I didn't get it, or why pregnant women smiled so much and touched their stomach's when it was happening until I was pregnant also. Now that my kids are out I miss that connection.
Posted by: Teri at May 10, 2007 12:28 PM (K7jOL)
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The risks you're thinking of now become multiplied exponentially after they're born. As you've already noticed, evry decision you make from here on will be run through the parent filter. Not only is your body not your own any more, your life is not your own either.
Being a parent is scary and wonderful. You'll be great!!
Posted by: ~Easy at May 10, 2007 12:50 PM (IVGWz)
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And then at week 37'ish you will waddle into the kitchen and announce "I'm done - let's get 'em out" and Angus will eye you suspiciously and tell you thay you're on their time frame - - -
This so called time frame that kids live in stinks.
Don't sweat the nursery - they all have waiting lists and somehow magically when the time comes it's your turn. There are too many variables working for them to say they won't have an opening until May.
Posted by: cursingmama at May 10, 2007 12:56 PM (PoQfr)
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The only part of pregnancy I liked - the moving of the babies.
Posted by: Jen(aside) at May 10, 2007 01:51 PM (u973k)
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Have you evaluated the cost of having a nanny instead of going to daycare? Just wondering if they're comparable.
Posted by: Tracy at May 10, 2007 03:09 PM (zv3bS)
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~Easy said it well. From here on out, nothing is the same. Forever.
Oh, and we can all drive ourselves crazy with worrying about risks. Hubs always says as accident prone as I am I should just be wrapped in bubble-wrap, sealed inside of a ziploc bag and labeled "handle with care", "fragile". Well, geez. What kind of life would THAT be? Just keep the good thoughts... the lemonheads are gonna be juuuust fine.Before you know it they'll be here and you'll be fondly remembering those tummy twinges when you could still kinda sleep.
Posted by: sue at May 10, 2007 03:26 PM (WbfZD)
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Sorry to hear about the wait list, but from what I understand, they are ALL the rage for parents of young children.... Waitlist for day care, wait list for playgroup, waitlist for preschool, and MOST iportantly waitlist for private school, which some people join as soon as their baby has a name.....
Try a cool, damp washcloth on the neck or forehead for the migraines, that usually helps me, as I can't take headache pills either with my other meds.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 10, 2007 03:32 PM (r0kgl)
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Just think of how they'll twist and turn and dance in there with the zerberting!! (Perhaps you should teach Ang how to do it if he doesn't already know--was the Cosby Show big in the UK back in the day?--so that he can do real zerberts whenever I note my flickr ones?)
Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 10, 2007 03:53 PM (+p4Zf)
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I loved feeling them moving inside me; I wish I could feel that again, even for a little bit!
And this...
Maybe that's a part of having kids.
Yeah, that pretty much is.
I still worry about my "kids" and they are in their 20's, now.
Posted by: The other Amber at May 10, 2007 04:52 PM (zQE5D)
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The worry never ends...it just changes into different things. As I'm starting to see that now. My daughter is turning 14 next month and I worry about boys, sex, myspace, AIM and just plain ol' being alone by herself at the mall.
All those things I trust her with and educated her about(although she will NEVER have a myspace). But it still scares the living crap out of me.
I remember coming home pregnant with her and wanting to play...poking my stomach to make her move. When she was born I missed it so much. Even though she was right next to me. Its a feeling no one can describe unless you've been there.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 10, 2007 04:57 PM (QNSMg)
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When everyone was telling you how it felt, I didn't jump in. . .becuase it's different for everyone. But I always thought "quickening" was the exact right terminology.
I can tell you that one of my favorite lines from the movie "Parenthood," is this: (Frank is describing to his eldest son about how the worry and pain of parenthood is not for him)
"And it's not like it ends when you are 21 or 41 or 61. IT. NEVER. ENDS. Like your Aunt Edna's ass, it goes on forever."
(I'm quoting from memory, so I might be a tad off.)
I should also mention that I feel in my heart that you and your beloved are MORE than up for the task at hand. You wonder how you're going to do it. How? You just do. *shrug* And you'll be just as offhand about it after the fact. You'll just do it! And it will be exhausting and fraught with worry...but it will be so much love your heart will run over the brim. I promise.
If anyone in this whole world can do it, I know it is you.
Posted by: Margi at May 10, 2007 05:17 PM (eO7hI)
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Oh and BTW, I got to the point that if ONE. MORE. PERSON said my pregnancy was high risk due to "advanced maternal age" I was going to start poking eyes out with sporks. It sorta goes along with the "everyone's got an opinion" thing.
Posted by: Margi at May 10, 2007 05:21 PM (eO7hI)
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lol... I love that you referenced the Duggar family! They crack me up. 16 (or is it 17 now?) kids... all have names starting with "J"- and they love TATOR TOT CASSEROLE! Yuck!
Posted by: Andria at May 10, 2007 07:17 PM (cTKvQ)
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::soft quiet hugs:::
You go girl!
Posted by: LarryConley at May 10, 2007 07:43 PM (ZhyJq)
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I think drinking orange juice with the iron helps your body absorb the iron better and decreases the constipation.
You are weathering all the milestones beautifully, as are those super hero Lemonheads.
I do love the joy I hear as I read your words.
Posted by: sophiesophie at May 11, 2007 04:16 AM (1HOa8)
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i had migraines with my last pregnancy, it's a special kind of evil. i hope they ease off for you as you get further along.
Posted by: jade at May 11, 2007 09:43 AM (JciQi)
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I myself was a very high risk delivery. It was such that my mother had to spend the last trimester confined to her bed. When it came time for the delivery, every day longer that she held out meant 3 less days in the hospital. I think we came home a week after I was born.
Most days, I'm very cognizant of the fact that the odds were stacked high against either of us surviving birth. I think about how unlikely it was that I'd be a normal, functional child, or that I'd avoid many of the problems that plague deaf/HOH children.
Last week, I graduated from cum laude from UF and I realize how lucky I am. I wish you and your beautiful Lemonheads the same luck.
Posted by: Robert at May 11, 2007 07:37 PM (A5s0y)
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May 09, 2007
Where I Am the Target Audience
Growing up, I worshipped the TV.
I still do.
I have absolutely zero shame about the big plasma TV hanging in the living room (and the other one hanging in the kitchen). I have zero shame about our Sky Plus box (the UK equivalent of satellite + Tivo). I have zero shame about the DVDs and DVD recorder we have. I love TV. I always have, I always will, and while I absolutely love me a good book too (and read a few a week), my heart will always belong to the boob tube (I'm not cheating on you with my books, TV, I swear it!).
It never bothered me that I might wind up like Bill Murray's character on Scrooged, whereby I remember my childhood as being actual clips from TV shows I watched.
(Frank-I remember a girl, and a field with flowers, and she tripped and fell!
Ghost of Christmas Past-You idiot! You IDIOT! That was Little House on the Prarie!)
TV simply was part of my childhood, just as it's part of my adulthood. It's probably safe to say that I watch a bit too much TV. When I'm working from home these days I'm propped up on the couch with the TV on as background noise, and my entire first trimester was spent napping on the couch with Charmed playing in the background (I don't know what it is about Charmed that's so soporific, I just know that having it on guaranteed I'd get the snooze out). I do recognize that I'm contributing to the smoldering hole in the ozone by having the TV on while I work, but I can't express how much comfort a TV brings me. It's the sanity in my insane world. TV - and macaroni and cheese - are one of the only constants I have ever known in my life.
Films were also a massive part of my life, and sadly I don't see as many films as I used to anymore. A weekend TBS 80's trip is just what the doctor ordered for most ailments. To this day I can clock an actor on a film and tell you what other films or tv shows they've done. My stepkids think that I have some kind of amazing talent when I do this, the bad news is that it's a terribly unmarketable skill that will get me nowhere fast, but I can tell you that the chap who played a bit part Secret Service agent in CSI is now a star in Lost. It might save my life if I'm ever stuck playing "Trivia Pursuit-the Russian Roulette Edition", but otherwise it's pretty pointless.
But it's not just TV shows and movies that hallmark my behavior.
Lately, I've come to realize that I'm a product of advertising.
I remember that horrible film Demolition Man, where the radio stations only air ads as the main feast. Sign me up for some of that. I'm happy to sing along to how I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner (although honestly, I can't think of anything worse.)
I'm a jingle-writers dream, and I've always known that. I have a bizarre, full of holes memory that can remember some remarkable details while completely forgetting key other ones. Details I remember include songs from ads I have heard a time or two too many. I don't have to go for the product, and generally speaking, I don't. The ad just has to hit the right note with me, and if it does that, it's with me for life. It also doesn't mean I had to like the ad to remember it, which makes for some unfortunate times.
When I moved to Sweden, the first Swedish phrase I learnt was from an ICA commercial (ICA is a chain of grocery stores there). To this day I don't know why it struck a chord with me, but the first words I was able to say in Swedish translates to "Excuse me, I only have a bit of salmon here."
Very useful indeed.
Over here I also tend to parrot ads from TV. Half the time I don't even know I'm doing it, I just "wake up" and find I'm spouting off an ad. My latest trip is singing along to the Sheila's Wheels advert, which is an ad for a women's only car insurance company as acted by an Australian cast (For ladies who insure their cars! Sheila's Wheels are superstars! For bonzer car insurance deals....girls rely on Sheila's Wheels!) This makes no sense to me, because the commercial is kind of crap and I wouldn't join a woman-only car insurance company anyway. Maybe I only sing it a lot because it permeated my brain while it played during my Charmed naps, so any day now I'll start having the dress sense of Alyssa Milano, aka "they ran out of fabric so I just threw some feathers on it. Now look at my navel."
But my memory is really consumed by commercials I saw when I was a kid. I repeat a load of them, all the time, only the problem is they're slightly out of context here.
Examples:
I woke up at 6:00 the other day as we had an early start. I shrug on my T-shit, incredibly bleary eyed, and whimpered "Time to make the donuts."
Angus shook his head. "What? Are you still asleep?"
I replied, "No. Winchell's donuts. It's time to make the donuts."
He didn't get it of course-not only don't they have Winchell's Donuts here (I suspect, in fact, the whole chain is gone) but that was a commercial from my childhood.
Childhood TV commercials get rolled out all the time. I like watching 80's movieswith the idea that I might be able to play "spot the product". In Close Encounters of the Third Kind, while Richie Dreyfuss is going mad making a fake clay mountain in his living room, there's the beer commercial I used to know and love playing in the background of his alien-induced madness ("When you say Bud you have it all, when you say Bud you have it all! La da da da da da da da da dada!"). It doesn't beat the motorcycle Rainier Beer commercial, but I have a feeling that was a regional commercial and maybe not shown all over the country. Similarly, I watched the commercials in E.T. and other films from my childhood.
I trot out the ads whenever possible. When Angus asked me how I got a stain out of a shirt, I winked and said, "Ancient Chinese secret!" I love to say "Silly Rabbit-Trix are for kids!" in situations varying from telling the dog what to do to business meetings. And of course, whenever someone tries a new food and enjoys it, they get the "Hey Mikey! He likes it!" routine from me. And fucking everything is The Other White Meat.
Not that those commercials mean anything over here.
Add music to it and I'm really fucked. O Solo Mio is now forever a Cornetto commercial (it's a type of ice cream here). It's a beautiful song but every time I hear it, I start singing "Give me Cornetto! Give it to me!" My bologna DOES have a first name, thank you very much, and it' O-S-C-A-R. I don't eat two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun, but I can tell you all about it. I would also like to have a french fry, for now, little baby sister of mine (although in hindsight I should've kept the carbohydrate to myself, thanks very much). Schoolhouse Rocks owns my soul, and the two ones I sing the most are the least well known ones-"Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese" (when my get up and go has got up and went, I hanker for a hunk of cheese) and the one about "Don't Drown Your Food" (in ketchup or mayo or goo! Yuck! It's no fun to eat what you can't even see, so don't drown your food!").
But the worst offender that's stuck in my head was the Milk campaign from the 80's. I can't find any trace of it on the web so perhaps I'm losing my mind, but I swear I remember it. Word for word. It was set to some marching song (Sousa, I assumed, although I don't know enough about the guy to know if that's the case or not.) It was a marching band, and there were lyrics:
You don't have to be a football star!
Whoever you are!
Show your stuff and Drink Milk!
I still sing that one to this day.
Sometimes I wish I could clear my head of all the slogans ("You soak in it!" "Let me try! Mom! Let me try!" "They're magically delicious!" and the giggle you elicit when you poke a plasticine dough boy in the stomach) to make more room for real life things, practical things that play a role in life.
But then I think-Fuckit. Ads, TV, and film make me who I am today. I survived this long, surely it's not all bad.
Then I feel thirsty for a glass of milk and a marching song, and I go with it.
-H.
PS-you do not "provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives." You are the single biggest waste of space I've ever seen in my life, ever, and I've seen some big wasters. Your conceit alone is a reason to throw you in jail, let alone breaking real laws. You broke the law, you should pay the price for breaking the law, and if Arnie pardons you then I shrug my shoulders in defeat of the U.S. judicial system forever. You should go to jail, you deserve to go to jail, and I hope you drop the soap a lot while you're there, too.
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Wait, I thought "time to make the donuts" was for dunkin' donuts. They were playing that add right up till that spokesguy retired in 1997. They had a parade for him in Boston and gave away free coffee and everything.
Posted by: Some Girl at May 09, 2007 08:15 AM (vec0T)
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I'm the same - a slogan for all occasions.
"Cap, Shirt, Bata-Bullets" My mantra before I head out the door. (i.e. wallet, phone, keys.)
"Only the Green One's Bugsy" - A Smarties/M&M's ad.
"Balls... Inspector?" Cheese Balls. Don't ask.
"Worth a Crack Nigel" NO IDEA.
They're All New Zealand slogans... guess they were the formative years.
Posted by: deeleea at May 09, 2007 08:15 AM (IphB3)
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Deelea-Proof that I'm not alone in my quest for a slogan for all occasions.
Somegirl-you're absolutely right. I got the wrong donut maker. Proof that while the ad sticks, it may be assigned the wrong company in my mind.
Now I want a donut.
Posted by: Helen at May 09, 2007 08:28 AM (CCyzl)
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At the bottom of the page of the link you posted, there's a vote - do you think she should go to jail? I'm very pleased to see that 91% think she should. I at least have my fingers crossed, that's exactly what jail is for.
Drop the soap? Maybe I don't want to know what that means...
Posted by: Hannah at May 09, 2007 08:49 AM (5w+E2)
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Everybody laughs - I'm the only one who knows the KitKat commercial here in NL. Let alone ABC's "After these messages, we'll be right back! [bark!]" We only got one channel, though.
Posted by: Hannah at May 09, 2007 08:50 AM (5w+E2)
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Now I want a donut, too.
A real, old fashioned donut.
Posted by: Hannah at May 09, 2007 08:51 AM (5w+E2)
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'It's 10 o'clock - do you know where your children are?'
We used to get that one in the 80's from the American stations.
As Irish kids living in Canada the Irish Spring 'And weee like it tooo' used to make us cringe though.
Posted by: Elisa at May 09, 2007 09:15 AM (6/XCd)
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Nothing worse than having a commercial jingle stuck in your head on a never-ending feedback loop. Jingle writers are evil creatures. I just wish they hadn't started plundering the Beatles for advertisements, as I still remember the shock and horror of hearing "Revolution" on a commercial for shoes in the late '80's. Just goes to show nothing's sacred.
Posted by: maolcolm at May 09, 2007 09:19 AM (ds+Dq)
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Fucking hilarious!!!
Obscure childhood jingle that runs through my mind:
"you let your kids use new towels round the pool?
Those towels new? Not a chance!"
Posted by: SuperSarah at May 09, 2007 10:25 AM (48sRf)
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I thought sure there'd be a "Where's the beef?" reference in there...
Some Girl beat me to the punch, but I thought that maybe Winchell's was a regional name for Dunkin' Donuts.
Since I live here in the heartland of AB, the Budweiser song is a part of the fabric of my life. In fact, they still play it at Cardinal baseball games. My wife's grandfather worked at the brewery and the grandchildren got extra sweets and change when they sang the song. It's pretty scary that the song is no longer a part of their advertising, yet both of MY kids know all of the words...
Posted by: ~Easy at May 09, 2007 11:38 AM (vL8BC)
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Damn it. I've spent twenty years living in the US and after much effort "O Sole Mio" had become just "O Sole Mio" again, until now! Help me get that Cornetto song out of my head. I can't believe they're still using that song in their campaign (by the way it used to be "JUST ONE Cornetto p give it to me" - did they change the words??).
Posted by: John at May 09, 2007 12:40 PM (OLwCz)
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I think I'm the only person who remember "Bonkers! Bonks you out!" with the giant pieces of fruit that would fall on a person who had just popped the candy into their mouth.
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at May 09, 2007 12:47 PM (+MvHD)
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Go to jail? Of course she should. as you noted she is worthless; unless you count her boyfriend video- she displayed her talents quite adequately.
As for dropping the soap. My suspecion is she will drop the soap a lot.
Posted by: Foggy at May 09, 2007 12:53 PM (Glvp6)
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I thought the "time to make the donuts" was from Dunkin' Donuts? Nevertheless, donuts! And TV! Awesome.
Posted by: Dotty at May 09, 2007 01:09 PM (KJE2B)
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Winchells still lives - http://www.winchells.com/
as does dunkin' donuts - https://dunkindonuts.com/
They're few and far between right now - but I expect that once the resurgence in ice cream shops subsides the donut shops will move into their spaces...it is a crime that there aren't more bakeries in the states.
But - my favorite commercial of all time was for Hamm's Beer (might've been regional) with the cartoon bear and the "land of the sky blue waters" song. It'll live with me forever.
Posted by: cursingmama at May 09, 2007 01:22 PM (PoQfr)
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"And Weee Hay-elped!"
Shake & Bake
Posted by: dadddyquatro at May 09, 2007 01:35 PM (ePyvD)
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Note: The "Time to make the doughnuts" guy just died a few months ago.
Re: Dunkin' Donuts -- In Boston, they are more prevalent than Starbuckses. Seriously.
Do you know where your children are? The new CW network (merger of WB and UPN) is still asking that in ominous tones.
~Easy: every time someone uses the phrase "the fabric of our lives" I can't help but begin under-breath singing "The touch! The feel! Of cotton!"
Posted by: ms havisham at May 09, 2007 01:46 PM (QAcXg)
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I hanker for a hunk of, a slab or slice or chunk of, I hanker for a hunk of cheese!
Conjunction Junction, what's that function?
And best of all:
I'm just a bill, yes I'm only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill...
Posted by: Michael at May 09, 2007 01:46 PM (Zfv0j)
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Omg. Yes, we still use several of those - 'It's 10 o'clock - do you know where your children are?'
- the Dunkin' Donuts one (here anyway) I still say when I get up at the butt-crack of dawn - and we constantly say, "Silly Rabbit"... and don't even have to finish the line to know what we're gonna say. Guess our family is a product of the TV generations, huh? Good post. Got me thinking.
Posted by: sue at May 09, 2007 01:47 PM (WbfZD)
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John-bad news. The commercial? Still uses the same words. (Just one Cornetto! Give it to me!)
Cursingmama-I forgot about that Hamm's commercial! Brought it all back, that one
Michael-you are so far the only other person I've met who knows the hanker for a hunk of cheese song. Fabulous.
Now I'm singing the Cotton commercial songs.
Perfect day!
Posted by: Helen at May 09, 2007 02:11 PM (CCyzl)
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Oh man... I had almost gotten "Ancient Chinese Secret" out of my tomes upon tomes of useless information within my head.
Posted by: amber at May 09, 2007 02:31 PM (HCbA1)
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ahahaha - I'm like that too. Last summer, taught the kids something new on a WA roadtrip: Raaaaaaainierrrrrrrrrr beeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr.
And of course, good morning, good muffin to you!
Posted by: loribo at May 09, 2007 02:36 PM (MY7JG)
23
I thought it was "A
sliver, slice, or chunk of; I hanker for a hunk of cheese." Either way, it's still memorable. My favorite School House Rock was Interjection!! "So when you're happy, Hurray, or sad, Aw, or excited, Eek, or glad, Hey, an interjection starts the sentence right."
Thanks for the trip down memory lane. My all-time favorite commercial from the 80s is one for Stroh's beer, where a plane full of Stroh's apparently made an emergency landing. It was too heavy to take off, so they considered leaving some of the passengers. One guy suggests leaving the beer. A guy with a fake English accent says, "Leave the Stroh's?" and two military guys reply, "Negative!!" Finally they strip all the metal sheeting from the plane and take off. I can still quote that commercial from start to finish. Anyone else remember that one?
Posted by: Solomon at May 09, 2007 02:49 PM (x+GoF)
24
DonÂ’t remember the cheese song, but I remember Conjunction Junction.
Before that was Multiplication Rock. To this day, when I count by threes, I sing that songÂ…
3, 6, 9Â…
12, 15 18Â…
21, 24 27 Â…
30.
Not much for lyrics but with my mental accompaniment it sounds awesome.
Posted by: dadddyquatro at May 09, 2007 02:55 PM (ePyvD)
25
Solomon,
Now this is weird. Because StrohÂ’s is regional, I never saw the commercial.
But, I saw a 60 minutes or something about the making of the commercial.
I still have the mental image of those poor folks, sitting it that stripped plane, being pulled down a dusty road, singing
“From one beer lover,
To another,
Stroh’s”
over and over again until the director was satisfied.
HowÂ’s that for the persistence of a jingle. I didnÂ’t even see the damn ad and I still remember it.
Posted by: dadddyquatro at May 09, 2007 03:13 PM (ePyvD)
26
I have a great cover of Blind Melon doing "Three is the Magic Number," and a recording of The Simpson's version of School House Rocks - "I'm an Ammendment To Be."
Some people laugh at me because I have some seriously old VHS recorded movies that were played on tv, but watching the commercials is priceless.
I, too, have a memory for useless ads (although since I ultimately wanted to write ads, maybe it wasn't so useless when I was younger). I can remember the whole jingle for Pocket Rockers, and am sure that's where Apple got the idea for the iPod (wear the music, feel the beat!), but these days I inadvertantly change the name to Pocket Rockets, which is just a whole different ball game. I can also remember the entire McDonald's menu song, and can even picture the guy who walked up to the counter to sing it. WHO REMEMBERS SHIT LIKE THAT?
Posted by: amy t. at May 09, 2007 03:28 PM (3dOTd)
27
Oh, speaking of your amazing talent for placing actors in movies and such (get ready, you're going to kill me), if the
Lost character you are referring to is Sawyer, he played a valet in
CSI. In my defense, I just watched that one last week. I don't just know that off the top of my head. I also know that Ben Affleck was in
Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie, and had no lines.
My amazing useless talent when it comes to movies is quotes. I can quote movies like crazy, and it drives my friends (including you once or twice) nuts.
Ok. I'm done now.
Posted by: amy t. at May 09, 2007 03:31 PM (3dOTd)
28
"Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on sesame bun. All 15 words never get heard..."
And I do hanker for a hunk of cheese now and then as well.
I want one of these-for me and every one I know.
http://vh1.blogs.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2007/05/07/paris_tshirt.jpg
Posted by: Teresa at May 09, 2007 03:31 PM (wTSpk)
29
We don't watch films as much these days either and I put the blame squarely on the TIVO's shoulders. As for Paris Hilton...I can't believe there is a "grass-roots" movement to keep her out of jail.
What's with all these stupid movements suddenly? GAH! So embarrassing. *covers face*
Posted by: The other Amber at May 09, 2007 03:32 PM (zQE5D)
30
Amy-I did know about Sawyer! Nick jeopardized the whole investigation all for his valet buddy!
It's the Lost character Jin who played the secret service guy. Funny, he spoke flawless English...
And when you wrote "Pocket Rocker" I only read it as "Pocket Rocket". Twice. It's the hormones. Now I need a private moment.
Posted by: Helen at May 09, 2007 03:42 PM (CCyzl)
31
Oh, and gotta say-my favorite 'School House Rock' is "The Shot Heard 'Round the World". Hey, it was the start of the revolution....
Posted by: Teresa at May 09, 2007 03:42 PM (wTSpk)
32
Even if you got the wrong donut chain, I can assure you Winchell's is still alive and well. At least on the West Coast in the tiny town I grew up in two hours south of Seattle. Still there, still with the creepy man who never goes home. Some things never change.
Posted by: Julia at May 09, 2007 03:44 PM (5+omQ)
33
I thought I was the only one who could still sing the "Don't Drown Your Food" song. I can still hear the goo falling on the sandwich making that blurp noise.....
And Winchells is alive and well in SoCal, too.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 09, 2007 03:55 PM (r0kgl)
34
ah, yes. i was going to say we have a winchell's near the landings in san diego. great for grabbing a donut and coffee before going fishing.
i also quote ads. and movies. all. the. time.
Posted by: becky at May 09, 2007 04:33 PM (jv5jW)
35
God I get ads stuck in my head all the time. The one I get the most lately is the flea treatment commercial with all the puppies. I can't help but sing it every time it comes on, and then randomly for hours after I see it. Fortuantely my husband thinks it's funny. I definitely watch too much TV, but I'm ok with that.
Posted by: Erin at May 09, 2007 04:40 PM (HQy7k)
36
Once a guy showed up at work wearing a Pillsbury Dough Boy shirt. Apparently I wasn't the first person who thought to poke him in the belly, because as I started to extend my index finger, the guy eyeballed me and said, "Hee fuckin' hee."
Posted by: Julie at May 09, 2007 05:43 PM (bxErd)
37
I was concerned that I don't have any commercials in my head, but then I realized I often hum the tune that goes along with pringles..."smaa-alll, small is tremendous."
The whole reason I love Tivo is the ability to fast forward through all the commercials. I've enjoyed that function.
Posted by: Some Girl at May 09, 2007 06:09 PM (vec0T)
38
When I die I am going to Gilligan's Island.
With Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann, there on Gilligan's Isle.
Now tell me you don't have the song in your head? LOL Sorry....but you can get all three seasons on dvd now, and holy shit, I sleep good with one of them on repeat on the tv.
Posted by: DONNA at May 09, 2007 06:31 PM (h83Du)
39
That's pretty funny dadddyquatro. I wish I had seen the special.
Isn't it amazing/disturbing how ads from 20 or 30 years ago can stay with us? Now THAT'S an effective advertisement.
Posted by: Solomon at May 09, 2007 06:41 PM (x+GoF)
40
I am hoping that Paris sees what you wrote here!!! I certainly agree.
How about N-E-S-T-L-E-S.....Nestles makes the very best.....choc-laaaaaaate.
Posted by: kenju at May 09, 2007 07:15 PM (DBvE5)
41
I have a category for the things you mentioned. I call it "Useless Shit that Clogs Your Head". Great stuff to think about during a slow day at work, or to annoy your coworkers.
And as far as PH, aka The (derogatory term for vagina) From Hell, my sentiments exactly. I wish the media would find something more worthy to chase. Besides I'm more partial to someone like Sharon Stone. Knockout blonde with a genius IQ. My favorite.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 09, 2007 08:34 PM (VXEan)
42
Interjections! Show excitement! And emotion! They're usually set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point, or by comman when the feeling's not as strong.
So when you're happy. Hurray!
Or sad. Awww.
Or frightened. Eeek!
...
Schoolhouse Rocks was the love of my childhood Saturday mornings. I bought the set on DVD so that my children can enjoy them too.
=================
Lolly lolly lolly, get your adverbs here.
===========================
With regards to the heiress who shan't be named, well, doesn't everyone know that celebrities are
better than the rest of us, and that they don't deserve punishments reserved for us peons?
I hope that she acts like a jackass in prison and gets time added to her sentence. I remain dumbfounded over the fact that somehow she's considered a celebrity.
Posted by: physics geek at May 09, 2007 09:06 PM (MT22W)
43
I cans till remember a Jimmy Connors ad from the seventies when I visited the US. 'Twas for ginger beer
It ain't too sweet
It's a neat refreshing treat
Canada Dry ginger beer
IT AIN'T TOO SWEET!
Wasted life, I tell you, wasted life!
Posted by: Mrs Susan Sandys at May 09, 2007 10:48 PM (RlNhw)
44
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.
I am stuck on Band-aids cuz band-aids stuck on me.
Oh one of my favs,
How do you spell relief? R-o-l-a-i-d-s
Fun, fun times!
Posted by: grace at May 10, 2007 02:31 AM (SlJYu)
45
"hold the pickles , hold the lettuse, special orders don't upset us. Have it your way, have it your way" Burger King
I also remember the Alka seltzer ad that had people saying things like, "I like pizza" ****insert trumpet sound here****
"But ut doesn't like me."
Then, I have to add to my collection the ones from Mother's generation she sang to us.
A beaver singing "Brusha, brusha, brusha, with the new Ipana, it's better for you teee-eeeth." Thye used it in the background of the movie "Grease" so I suppose she wasn't the only one who kept it with her.
Then, she was likely as not to awaken us with a song, "Rise and shine with Grape Nuts flakes!"
Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
I hope there are no cameras in the PH suite--it would be nice not to see her face for a while.
Posted by: sophiesophie at May 10, 2007 08:23 AM (1HOa8)
46
Now I've got the MICROWAVE Pillsbury jingle in my head. "Beep Beep! Pop Pop!"
When I was in college, somebody stuck in a tape of Mary Poppins that her family had taped off the television... in the 80s. She was going to fast forward through the commercials but we stopped her and sang along to them.
Incidentally, that friend had a strong resemblance to the girlfriend in Ferris Beuller's Day Off. Very, very pretty.
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 12, 2007 01:29 AM (tie24)
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May 08, 2007
Obedience Lessons
Last night Angus and I watched
The Ice Storm, a film which I knew Angus would like and was not disappointed (it had no special effects, not very many characters, dysfunctional families, and a suitably depressing story line. He did have a problem with the electrocution scene-this is a hazard of watching films with a man who knows everything there is to know about electricity. It makes watching
CSI with him absolutely impossible.) After the film ended there was a documentary I wanted to see called
Obedient Wives:Hidden Lives, a show whose premise it was that married women felt the best thing for their marriages was to completely and totally submit to their husbands' wishes, desires, and dictates.
Yes really.
I wanted to watch this.
Hidden Lives is a documentary series on the usually inflammatory Channel 5. I wanted to watch this episode of the series because it intrigues me. Not in an "I want to adopt it" kind of way, but in a "Didn't we just get rid of The Rules?" kind of way. In today's society, is it so that the only evolving role really has to be just the woman's, is it unfair to wonder why there are no self-help books flooding the market for men, which bounce around from How to Be the Classy Metrosexual to Caveman-Not Just a Stereotype Anymore to Adultery: the Other White Meat?
So on the show went. Angus watched it with me, and to be honest, I found myself conflicted in a few areas.
The documentary basically followed 5 couples, half in the UK, the other half in America. There was of course the typical stereotypes one would associate with submissive wives-one couple had a Thai bride and in typical stereotype fashion, the retiree husband had the face not even a mother could love, he nattered on and on about how English women didn't even know how to microwave anymore, let alone cook for a man (which made me wonder aloud if HE knew how to microwave), and how happy he is with a submissive wife. Said submissive wife genuinely, honestly seemed pleased to take care of the man in the house, and she made it clear that her upbringing dictated that the woman's role was to care for the man.
Honestly, I didn't have a problem with this. It's not my culture (ok, actually the Asian culture is half my culture, but you know what I mean), and if it floats the Thai Wife's boat to serve her husband, then rock on.
Similarly, there was the stereotypical couple of what I call The Hardcore Christians. The day started off at 530 with a Bible reading and the Little Mrs. making breakfast and lunch for the hubby. Then the Little Mrs. spent the day cleaning and working from a list of things the Man of the House gave her to do. Seriously. He leaves her with a list of things to do every day and she has to cross them off (it includes baking bread. By hand. Because Wonder Bread is clearly not something the Lord would approve of, I assume). As she goes through her day, she constantly explains that she loves doing these things for the Man of the House as it's a way to praise and honor him, and then would quote various Bible passages to back up why it's so important to praise and honor a dweeby husband.
Now, I also didn't really think too much about them. To me they simply registered high on the Fundie meter. But as I watched them, it got more disturbing. The Little Mrs. would clean so fastidiously it smacked of OCD with a dose of paranoia on the side. When she started scrubbing a bathroom sink so amazingly clean that I would've licked pudding out of it before she scrubbed it, I figured - Someone's got issues. While scrubbing the bathtub, she explained that her scrubbing the bathtub "Praises and serves her husband, as well as makes him a better attorney." I'm not sure how Scrubbing Bubble makes someone a better lawyer, but then maybe there's something about it on the bar exam that I don't know about, perhaps a Mr. Clean secret handshake. As she continuously instructed their one year-old daughter that "you must respect and obey the man", and "we must praise and honor the Father", I got a little confused as to which father she was talking about, but when they started making a fruit pizza to "praise and honor the father" that I figured they were talking about the Man of the House because I just don't see God as a fruit pizza kind of being. And then, of course, when the kid would put a tinned mandarin orange chunk on the wrong way, the Little Mrs. would rush to fix it. I guess you can't be praised and honored if the mandarin's facing the wrong way.
Still, I figured-their life, not mine.
The documentary came quickly to the crux of the issue-apparently there's a new movement that started in America and is now reaching out to torture the rest of the world called "Surrendered Wives". This premise is based on a book of the same name (and although I was handling all of this well, when I searched for this book on Amazon.com it threw up a search that was so repugnant to me I felt the need to bleach the inside of my monitor.)
The book was written by a woman whose marriage was reaching critical mass, and she figured out the way to save it was to check her ego at the door and allow her husband to take control. Control...of everything. Finances, sex life, decision making, child rearing, you name it. The one with the dick makes the decisions.
I do get that desperate times mean desperate measures. When I realized my former marriage was in dire straights I did about the worst thing possible-I agreed to start trying for a baby (because that always works, that whole "let's have a baby and save our marriage!" idea. Worst. Fucking. Idea. Ever.) When you find that things aren't going well, the truth is you may often be willing to go radical, I accept that.
But maybe some things are a step too far.
The documentary was very fair (I felt) and showed two women going through the process of being a Surrendered Wife. These women were the other side of submissive, and in fact two of them were the biggest nags I had ever seen in my life. Their husbands couldn't do anything right, ever, and the way they let their husbands know how uselss they thought they were was thoroughly disrespectful. I don't mean this in a "you must praise and honor him" kind of way either, I mean in a "how can you talk to anyone in that way and not be the featured corpse in a CSI episode yet?" type. If I were these women's husbands, I'd have left by now. Fuckit, if I were one of these women's friends and they talked to me like that I'd have bailed on them, too.
Anyway. One woman's "acquiescence" meant that her marriage got a lot better and her partner stopped looking like he wanted to kill himself. And I honestly didn't see that she had capitulated anything, she just stopped talking to him like he was a 5 year-old, which surely is going to make for an ok marriage. If she just became a human being in how she interacted with him, how does that make her a "Surrendered Wife"? iS she "liberated of control" simply because you don't want to drown her every time she opens her mouth?
The other woman, though, had clearly begun her indoctrination. She and her husband Chip -
(Angus-What is that guy's name?
Me-Chip.
Angus-Chip?
Me-Yes, Chip.
Angus-Chip is a name? You're allowed to name your children Chip in your country?
Me-Yes. I do understand how you're struggling to see how someone could name their child the English equivalent of the word "French Fry", but yes, you can name your child Chip in America.)
-had two kids, and Chipster, he had ideas about how to raise them. These ideas included letting his 3 year-old fly around on the back of a full size quad bike, and since the kid's feet didn't even reach the bottom of the seat, the kid just laid flat out on the back of the thing. Seriously. The kid was laying on the seat. I shuddered each time they showed it. Chip also bought his 6 year-old a dirt bike, but, seeing as I'm not a mom I'm not qualified to comment, I just had to wonder if a 6 year-old should be on a bike with an engine? Without a helmet? And no training? I'm just wondering. Anyway, Chip's Mrs. just kept closing her eyes and hoping it would work out ok because, you know, that's what a Surrendered Wife does.
She also allowed him to pick out her clothes, makeup, and do her hair for a date. On the date, he ordered her food for her. She didn't seem to enjoy it, but I was bouncing up and down on the couch at this point. "Wouldn't that be great fun!" I squealed. "You could do all that, then when we get back to the house, you could have your way with me! I'd be like your sex slave! And then the week after, we could change roles, and I'll dictate what you wear and eat and then you have to repeatedly satisfy me sexually in whatever way I specify! What a fantastic idea! Let's do it!"
Clearly, I'm falling astray from the Surrendered Wife path here, but I still like the idea.
The last couple on the documentary finally reached my Step Too Far. Prior to this I could see that some obedient wives were there for cultural or religious reasons, one woman claimed to be Surrendered Wife but actually, she just stopped acting like a real bitch, and for one woman being a Surrendered Wife to Chip meant that they'd be doing Darwin a favor and helping out with that pesky thing called Natural Selection. But the last couple was a couple that not only stands against everything I believe in, they bordered on dangerous.
A Scottish woman and her American husband, living in North Carolina, adopted the Surrendered Wife routine a few years ago when their marriage was in trouble (this is a common theme in all the women's stories, with the exception of the Thai woman and the religious Little Mrs.) She became a Surrendered Wife, and her husband very kindly explained that he makes all the decisions as she's incapable of it. If they're going to dinner and he recommends a restaurant and she says she doesn't fancy it, it's as he says: "We go there anyway. I'm in charge."
Really? You're also a conceited asshole, but who am I to judge?
He says her biggest problem is "knowing when to keep her mouth shut", which he demonstrated by physically taking her lips and holding them closed, a nice visual aid for viewers who maybe couldn't connect the words "mouth" and "shut".
But what really got me steaming was when he explained that when it came to sex, he was in charge. And if she said no, well, silly her, she didn't really mean it. No matter how often she says it, you know, he's in charge, his wife is like all women in that they act like they don't want it but they really do, and he's going to do it anyway.
Which in my mind, makes him less a husband in charge and more a rapist who should be jailed.
And throughout all this, she just nodded.
So hey. Channel 5 was able to push my buttons after all.
I get that sometimes keeping your mouth shut makes life easier at home. I do it sometimes, I don't always offer my opinion because I know it'll flash Angus up. But he says he does the same thing. So maybe it's not about "letting the man be the one in charge", it's more "gee, how about a little peace and quiet around here?" and you get along in peace as you both pick your battles. If you're going to be courteous to your spouse in how you talk to him, does that make you a Surrendered Wife, or does that just make you an amiable person? I like to cook for Angus and ensure he's happy, it doesn't mean I'm going to walk around praising and honoring him, nor will I freak out about perfect fruit line-up on the fruit pizza (also because he's not getting a fruit pizza, it sounds absolutely foul). But the thing is, my boy likes to cook for me, too. We divide the cooking 50-50. Does that mean he's not in control? I like to have a clean house, but not necessarily because I want to "please Angus" as much as it's just a relief to have a clean house. It doesn't mean I always succeed (the house needs vacuuming pretty badly and I've been using the guest bed as a dumping ground for the clean folded laundry. I keep hoping Harry Potter will show up and wave his wand and put the clothes away, but the little bastard still hasn't shown up.) It doesn't mean that because I do more indoor housework that I'm "surrendered"-Angus does more outdoor work, it's just what both of us prefer to do in terms of home maintenance.
The book way overshot the middle ground. You don't have to spend the day nagging, but nor do you have to roll over and let the man make all the decisions. I'm not a guy or anything (trust me, I've checked), but isn't the idea that you'd be making every single decision a little exhausting? Isn't the whole idea of a partnership that you have two captains piloting the boat?
I dunno.
I do know that I'm going to make lunch for both of us.
But I'm also going to nag Angus (day 5 in a row) if he'll please change the cat litter. Seriously. Maggie will go on strike soon.
There goes my Surrendered Wife title then.
-H.
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1
Wish they would air that show over here (I only have basic cable, not satellite). I probably would have drawn similar conclusions, including, that last man you mentioned in the show needs his nuts smashed with a mallet. HARD.
Oh yeah, and sometimes just keeping the peace is best, and the thought of fruit pizza makes me want to vomit explosively.
One idea I've always bought into, even if it sometimes tends to fall apart in practice, is to treat your wife like a queen and she'll treat you like a king. Besides, I've always been submissive to good cooking.
And yes Angus, some people name their kids here Chip. I even went to school with a couple. And there are far worse names that some people name their kids.
Rock on, Helen (and hope the Lemonheads are doing well).
Posted by: diamond dave at May 08, 2007 10:40 AM (VXEan)
2
Yes I have heard of this too. There is even a website called, taken in hand, I believe. Not my cup of tea but, hey whatever lol. I don't think I could have sat through that show without doing a LOT of jumping up and down!
And hey, you really do have to have Angus change that cat litter now! If I remember correctly, you shouldn't do that while pregnant! WOO Hoo!
Posted by: justme at May 08, 2007 10:44 AM (jlidS)
3
Yes Angus, my cousin-in-law (Is this even a word?) is named Chip.
As the man of the house, it is my solemn duty to make any important decisions that come up. My wife takes care of the minor day-to-day things. She decides what movies we watch, where we'll go to dinner, what kind of car we'll buy, and other minor stuff.
So far, there haven't been any major decisions for me to make...
Posted by: ~Easy at May 08, 2007 11:44 AM (vL8BC)
4
I find this whole thing kinda troubling too, especially the last guy. Not that a bit of play-discipline can't be a whole lotta fun.
But I had to share something that I had an intruigued 'tee-hee' about a while ago, and that is: christian domestic discipline. Now I had all sorts of nightmarish ideas about what this would be, and probably most of them are still true in practice, but the bit that made me giggle was the erotic fiction around it. The main author seems to publish here: http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/ and please don't take that as me advocating it or anything like that. But I was totally struck by the way this particular lifestyle that people were advocating was being advocated through erotica that seems to bear a fair similarity to 'sex on a stick' erotic romance novels, or the softer edge of BDSM stuff. Spanking seems to play a major role. It weirded me out, mostly because erotica and... well, eroticism, really... isn't really something I'd have thought that the 'fundie' edge of christianity would be into. Not that I think that Fundies can't be erotic, just that I'd not have thought it was something they'd see as proper to encourage. That'll show me! I have to say, though, that the whole blurring between 'fun' discipline and 'punishment' discipline gives me more than the occassional twinge.
And yes, the ice storm is awesome. I haven't seen it in so long, but it's just one of those perfectly (alright, in a nod to Angus, almost perfectly) put together movies. Cast, photography, writing, story, it all works. Have to get it out again!
Posted by: Sauvage at May 08, 2007 12:30 PM (rG4u9)
5
The little Mrs. has a blog and a website. It is called Biblical Womanhood (sorry, don't know the URL) and if you click on Crystal's Blog you get her.
She seems to be very sweet, but these Fundies scare the crap out of me!
Posted by: Marie at May 08, 2007 12:30 PM (fUxc6)
6
Based on my limited relationship experience, there's definitely a certain amount of "role defining" involved when you first get together with someone (as in living with them and working together in the home). But that doesn't mean it's set in stone and can't over lap. I have learned to be better about not making a big deal about every little thing as time has gone by much to my husband's happiness. Surprisingly, he's also gotten better about getting most of those little things done.
I will say, I'm happy I'm not the only one that has to nag about getting the kitty litter done
Posted by: Minawolf at May 08, 2007 12:33 PM (svbR5)
7
fruit pizza is yummy. the crust is not typical pizza crust, it is more like sugar cookie dough. the filling, or sauce if you will, is a sweet cream cheese mixture. you could even throw some raspberry or strawberry filling on top of the cream cheese. then fruit on top. so... sugar cookie, cream cheese, fruit... all together? good.
as to the submissive wife thing. obviously, these are extreme examples. and just because someone wants to abide by 1 Corinthians 7 in their marriage does not make them a "Fundie", which is such a derogatory term. I am a Christian, and I believe in 1 Cor 7, which does state that women should submit to their husbands. so if it comes down to it, and we simply cannot agree on something, we go with what Frank wants. but you'd better believe i'm gonna do my best to persuade him (usually in a nice, Christian way, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way) to go with what i want. 1 Corinthians 7 also states that husbands are to love their wives, even as Christ also loved the church. and Christ loved the church so much that He lay down His life for it. so any husband who is also following the same passages that a submissive wife (who is basing her submissiveness on Paul's teachings in 1 Cor 7) is following is going to be loving and protective and is going to honor his wife, not screw around, and even be willing to die for her. none of this "you do what i say because i have a penis, and i treat you like crap" nonsense.
the documentary you watched obviously is yet another media tool to try to paint Christians in a bad light. and yes, some "Christians" do NOT get it, and in fact, my ex wanted me to be the perfect little submissive wife while he catted around. and i left him. my 2nd and final husband is completely different. he gets it. i'm proud to be a Christian and proud to (try to) be a submissive wife. not because some book that i bought on Amazon told me to surrender my vagina or anything, but because the New Testament tells me to be submissive and tells my husband to be wonderful to me and provide for me in return. i'm cool with that.
Posted by: sarahk at May 08, 2007 12:37 PM (QLpkT)
8
Sarahk-I actually have to (respectfully) disagree with you on a few points-
1) sorry if the term Fundie offends you. I understand that for Christians it's an offensive term, but to the rest of the world, it's ok. Like the term "expat" pisses me off, but it's a popular term based on an abbreviated word anyway.
2) Surprisingly for Channel 5, the show was actually very fair (I thought) to Christians and unbiased one way or another-Christian or not, submissive or not. I had interpreted the Chipsters' family as Christian, too, and neither of them were mocked because of being Christian. But I truly believe that Crystal (you're right, Marie, that was her name) was a bit over the edge. I'm not kidding when I say that the cleaning, it was fanatical. You could be religious, non-religious, but there was something amiss there.
3) I had a hard time with the scene in which she gets up at 530 to make her husband breakfast. He insists on a fruit smoothie, so she gets out the goods to make it. He stands there and watches, he doesn't even hand her fruit. Then? He doesn't drink it. I'm not having a go at religion, but seriously-that's out of order.
4) I just can't get behind the submissive wife part. That was the whole premise of the show, Christian couples aside, and I personally just don't see how that can be rewarding-all the women involved said that it took work to be that submissive. If they're having to work so hard at being so submissive, how can the marriage be real, if they're not being true to themselves?
Posted by: Helen at May 08, 2007 01:13 PM (CCyzl)
9
This is just wrong... on so many levels. What happened to loving and respecting your mate and trying to equally share the responsibilities and decisions? I mean, really... is it that hard to figure out? Ugh. I could never be a "surrendered" wife and to be honest...I wouldn't want a "surrendered" husband, either.
Posted by: sue at May 08, 2007 01:29 PM (WbfZD)
10
That whole idea makes me sick to my stomach. They are forgetting a Bible verse that says we are helpmates to each other. We are not supposed to be slaves to a husband's every whim, especially when some of them are not smart enough to make their own decisions, let alone make them for a wife as well.
Posted by: kenju at May 08, 2007 01:46 PM (DBvE5)
11
It's such a cliche, but my husband and I are partners. In every sense of the word. I won't pretend to understand anyone being submissive to anyone else, man OR woman.
And tell Angus that it's "Chip," as in "Chip off the ole Block" -- at least that's my understanding of the compulsion to name your child "french fry." It must be a HORRIBLE name if you don't even want to go the "Junior" route, hey?
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at May 08, 2007 03:15 PM (fIlF/)
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Well said SarahK. In our house, we generally compromise; but when it comes down to something that can't be agreed upon (i.e. do we send our kids to public school or private school? you can't do both) I have the final say. What do you do if no one has the final say? How many times have we come to an impasse in the last 15 years? Once, and that was just last month. We HAD to sell her SUV and get something cheaper, and she submitted. I didn't like making the decision, but it had to be made.
At this rate, I'll make this kind of decision 3 or 4 times in our marriage. That's not a bad deal to get a man who loves you as he loves himself and as Christ loved the church.
That's a whole lot of lovin'.
Hearing about the guy who "micro-manages" his wife is a bit disturbing. I'm pretty sure that's not how Christ loved the church, so it's probably a poor application of the Biblical principle. Not every Christian implements every part of Christianity perfectly, so even if lawyer-man is a Christian, he might be off a little (ok, a LOT) in how he's treating his wife.
I think "submitting within a marriage" has gotten a bad wrap. We submit to stuff all day long (in many cases willingly) and are ok with it. We submit to our boss, the ref in a soccer game, the police, the gov't, to the rules of a blog,... and we don't mind. Sometimes it's hard, but we do it. If a woman goes into a marriage knowing she should submit, it may be hard at times; but just like a soccer game, 99% of it can be pure joy.
Posted by: Solomon at May 08, 2007 03:26 PM (al5Ou)
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And here I am again, with a comment about something totally trivial contained in this post that has nothing to do with the bigger issues at hand.
I saw on telly this week that they are holding some kind of contest to be a dead body on an episode of CSI. How cool is that?
Posted by: amy t. at May 08, 2007 03:36 PM (3dOTd)
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Fundies creep me out. (Sorry fundies reading this; hey, look at it this way; my non-fundie self probably creeps you out too.
)
OMG, I cannot believe all this is happening from that book.
I actually read that book years ago not long after it was published and I thought it was great. I wasn't quite the nagging horrible shrew as some of the women she talked about in her book or on this show you watched, but I definitely wanted to run Dan and everything about Dan, much to his annoyance; from what he wore to how he drove to how he spoke, etc.
And it was started to affect our brand-new marriage in a very negative way.
Years of being Wife/Mommy and running my own business had made me really controlling when we moved in together. Although I believed I was "helping" him, you see. Fixing him, making him "better".
Men *hate* that. Just as I would hate it if Dan would've treated me that way. Looking back, I would've popped him one if he had treated me the way I was daily treating him.
But honestly, from what I remember of the book (and it's been like 7 or 8 years) the message wasn't to "surrender" to my *husband*, per se, but surrender my need to *control*.
Not just him, either, but everything in my life.
I was trying to control everything around me and it was exhausting.
So I stopped. I stopped telling him what to do, I stopped telling him how to dress, I just...stopped.
I also used the biggest message in that book, which was to learn to say, "You know what, Hubby? I can't DO everything babe. I need some help. I need YOUR help."
I mean, that is the theme she pounds on over and over again.
Ask for help.
Don't do everything yourself.
The result was, once I got off Dan's back, he did exactly what she said would happen. He started pitching in more, he started pampering me more.
PAMPERING ME! Not the other way around.
How this message, which the book says again and again, has turned into women scrubbing tubs and praising their husbands while their husbands sit around on their fat asses being praised and putting toothpaste on his toothbrush lest he break a sweat cleaning his teeth...I don't get that at ALL.
That is the opposite of what Ms. Doyle wrote about.
I ended up being much more pampered. Which is exactly what she said would happen if I let go of trying to do everything.
PAMPERED! Not being a slave for the guy, geez.
All THAT being said, a LOT of women, including sexually submissive women, can't stand that book either. They pick at the author's tone, they pick at her examples, etc., etc.
This mystifies me. I thought it was a very heartfelt little book that spoke to women like me who have trouble letting go of trying to run everything.
Certainly not about turning yourself into a doormat.
We have the best of both worlds; I stay off Dan's back and Dan treats me like a queen. I cannot relate to this TV show or this "movement" from that book at all. Makes no sense.
Maybe I should drag it out and re-read it again. Did she write another book and call it by the same title or something? *puzzled*
Posted by: The other Amber at May 08, 2007 03:45 PM (zQE5D)
15
On one hand, yeah, I can see the point of shutting your yap and saying that you trust your husband's judgement. But letting him pick your clothes and do your hair is a tad bit extreme....
I suppose it works for some people, but definitely not for me. DH and I are equal partners in this dealy. Each gets a say, and so far (we've been together 12 1/2 years) we haven't had to make a decision where we couldn't come to a compromise or consensus eventually.
I think though, that what REALLY pushes my buttons about this is that it is just another form of abuse. Abusive spouses try to control their partners mentally and physically. And that is EXACTLY what these husbands are doing when they INSIST on a surrendered wife. Sure, the wife submits, but then again, so does the woman hiding her cuts and bruises. And here they are glorifying it on TV..... Ugh.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 08, 2007 03:47 PM (r0kgl)
16
To be clear, I'm not implying that abuse victims like being hurt, or that they want abuse by saying that they "submit" to it, FAR FROM IT. Just that they put up with it for whatever reason.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 08, 2007 03:50 PM (r0kgl)
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Just wanted to edit something in Solomon's post:
If a man goes into a marriage knowing he should submit, it may be hard at times; but just like a soccer game, 99% of it can be pure joy.
Posted by: Jennifer at May 08, 2007 03:51 PM (atDyY)
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Helen,
1) That's fine about the "Fundie" thing. I'm not one, but your post seemed to categorize all wives who are of the "religious right" and choose to submit to their husbands (count me in both categories unapologetically) as Fundamentalists, and I'm not a Fundamentalist. Completely different views on the book of Revelation and other things. But if you want to lump us all in like that, it's your blog, and I respect that.
2) Had I, as a Christian, been watching the documentary, I would probably have been livid. Just reading your descriptions of the couples, with or without your commentary and thoughts on them, it is obvious to me what your Channel 5 is doing. The conclusion is to be that there cannot possibly be a normal marriage based on the submissive principle Paul taught in the Bible? Or maybe it's all about that Amazon book, I don't know. Both of the "Christian" couples sounded ridiculous to me. They didn't actually show any normal submissive wives (Christian or no) with normal loving husbands, did they? I know a lot of women find "normal" and "submissive" completely antagonistic words, but they're not if that is what both parties want. It's what I want. It's what I've always wanted. My whole life, I wanted college and a career, but I always knew that as soon as I married, I would want to be a homemaker. I had the career and hated it. Now I'm a homemaker, and I LOVE doing it. I SUCK at it, but I LOVE it.
So many of the women I've been at church with for my entire life believe in submitting to their husbands, and while a few of their husbands are the kind of jerks you saw on the documentary, most of them are not. At least if they are, the women don't show it or talk about it. And after my first marriage, I have a blessing/curse of a sixth sense about it (that's how I know a few of the husbands ARE jerks). And it's the women my age who are embracing it and loving it, because the men our age are the ones who get the part about treating the women like queens. Most likely because we see how the grandfathers and fathers sometimes got it wrong and no one likes seeing mothers and grandmothers unhappy, so the women are all about educating the men about how to properly treat a submissive wife. At least that's how things go where I am. And I know it's not for everyone. I would never expect someone to adopt this way of life who didn't want it (takes the whole "free will" part out of it). But we want it, both of us, very much, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. But the documentary didn't show anyone like that. It doesn't make for interesting TV, and it doesn't show that Christian women aren't all nutters, and Christian men aren't all giant egos with penises.
3) That
is out of order. The Bible didn't teach him to behave that way.
4) That's your prerogative. I grew up with my grandmothers' examples and working in the kitchen with them on summer breaks and working around the house with them. My grandmothers are the sweetest ladies I've ever met, and I don't think I've ever met women more fulfilled by what they do, which is take care of their husbands, themselves, their children when they were at home, and their homes. And I always wanted to be like them. And my grandfathers are so loving to them, at least everything I've ever seen. My grandmothers' eyes sparkle all the time. So yeah, I always dreamt of being a housewife. And a singer. Stupid American Idol told me no.
Posted by: sarahk at May 08, 2007 04:06 PM (QLpkT)
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Okay, comment hog Amber again here.
I just had to find that book again, so I dug it out just now. Just by flipping through it, I immediately found this in Chapter 14, entitled: "Set Limits by saying I Can't":
"If your husband (or anyone else) asks you to do something that will make you resentful, overtired, lose your dignity, or interfere with your self-care, practice saying, "I can't". Until you recognize your own limits and start to honor them, peace and harmony will elude you. Also, you'll never get to see how much your husband wants to help you until you admit that you need help."
This is was the running theme of this book. Notice the "self-care" mentioned; that is another huge theme of the book; learning to protect yourself and your feelings and not overdo it or let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.
Okay, well I feel better now. I thought for a moment I'd read the wrong book, lol!
Posted by: The other Amber at May 08, 2007 04:33 PM (zQE5D)
20
You tell Angus to can it about guys named Chip. In his country, people call their daughters Myfanwy. And what the fuck is that? Can I buy a fucking vowel or two?!
Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 08, 2007 05:29 PM (+p4Zf)
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Jennifer,
Does your boss at work submit to you? A good manager listens to his employees' ideas and considers their feelings and will actually put their welfare over his. My manager does all those. Sometimes the employees' ideas are better, and the mgr needs to be wise and implement them. But he doesn't submit to them. When mgr & employee disagree, we do what the mgr says...unless he tells us to do something unethical. As The Other Amber said, there are times to say no.
So you willingly submit to your manager 8 hours a day but won't submit to the man you love? That seems odd. As good as one's mgr might be, I presume her husband has her best interest at heart even more. If that's true, it would seem silly to willingly submit to a mgr but not a husband. A family isn't that much different than a business. It has goals and needs, and it needs someone to lead it to the goals and to fulfill the needs. A family w/o a leader is like a company w/o a president. Both can be successful for a time, but both are far better off when they have a leader who's consolidating effort and making sure all the members are happy and working towards the same goal(s).
The Other Amber pointed out that when she submitted to (or at least stopped nagging) her husband, he started treating her like a Queen. There's a saying in my Bible study group, "The best way to become a king is to make your wife a Queen."
Tru dat? Double True!!
Posted by: Solomon at May 08, 2007 05:41 PM (al5Ou)
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You know, since I've been divorced twice and all I really don't think I qualify on "how to be a good wife" since the first a-hole left for another woman and the second a-hole TRIED to beat me and then left for his mommy. BUT, let me just say that if one partner has to submit to the other then really where the fuck is the partnership??? Yeah I don't get it.
My little sister is a "surrendered wife" and when she was explaining her ideals to me I had this deer caught in the headlights look on my face. My sister and her husband are fundie Christians. Six months after she had her first kid (who she was completely overwhelmed by) she got prego with the second one. When she told me about the second baby being on the way she said "it was in the Lord's Hands". Uh ok? Now she has two very high maintence kids, both in diapers and he's talking about having another one again soon.
A DICK-TA-TOR ship is not my idea of a marriage.
And listen if any man ever tried to pin my lips together I'd knock his damn teeth down his throat.
Posted by: Heidi at May 08, 2007 05:46 PM (uMHkg)
23
I'm stealing Heidi's "Dick-ta-tor" term.
Solomon-Jennifer has a point, but instead you feel the need to question why she's not submitting to the man of her dreams, yet you don't even know her? Now THAT seems odd. She could be Captain Submissive for all we know. She just wanted to point out that the street, she runs both ways.
Sarahk-about your point 4-I'll agree with that, actually. I'll admit I never grew up wanting to stay at home, but then I grew up with an "I am woman hear me roar" household. That said, my step-grandma has devoted her life to her kids and to this day takes care of my father and stepmother. And she enjoys it. And she's about the nicest person I've ever met. I think it was just the passing of the torch-over time as women saw that there were options when previously in many cultures there were none, they took them up.
Posted by: Helen at May 08, 2007 06:36 PM (CCyzl)
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And -
So you willingly submit to your manager 8 hours a day but won't submit to the man you love?
I would if he paid me enough.
And gave me a better tax rate than I currently have.
Posted by: Helen at May 08, 2007 06:45 PM (CCyzl)
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Helen,
I just give the super-model my entire paycheck and a couple of write offs.
You're right, she may be Capt Submissive; although given that "submission within a marriage" seems to be poorly thought of, it seemed reasonable to deduce she's not. Maybe Corp or Sgt Submissive; but I doubt Capt.
You say the street runs both ways, but where else does submission run both ways? Does your boss submit to you? Does his boss submit to him? Does the referee submit to the players? Does the Captain (not Capt Submissive : ) submit to the passengers? Does the FAA submit to the Capt? Any place we have a real, established hierarchy, the lower in the chain of command submit to the upper...never the upper to the lower.
THAT is the crux of the discussion. Christians believe there is an established hierarchy within the family. I've pointed out before, I'm no less a man than my boss even though I submit to him; we simply have different roles. My wife is no less a person if she submits to me; we simply have different roles. Even non-Christians acknowledge there's a hierarchy in the family; they just don't take it to the same level as Christians. Do parents submit to children? Not in any healthy family. We've all seen some that do, and it isn't pretty. So most will acknowledge that it's a one way street between: parents & children, president & vice pres, mgr & employee, and referee & player, but in the most important institution ever made, they won't acknowledge there should be a hierarchy.
That's why I started discussing the mgr/employee relationship, not because I didn't think she was submitting, but because the leader doesn't submit to those he's leading. I know this is wildly unpopular and probably chafes many people. But it seemed worth pointing out that we have an established hierarchy in every institution established among mankind except the most important one. Why is that?
Posted by: Solomon at May 08, 2007 08:09 PM (al5Ou)
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It seems to me that some folks are having trouble with the terminology. And frankly, so do I. Submissive is NOT the same as surrendered. To submit to something doesn't make you buckle under. But I get the impression that a lot of folks in this tee vee show would love just that. Control freaks.
To acquiesce is to accept. To surrender is to give up. And I'm sorry, but I'm FAR too head-strong for that. The deal with a partnership marriage is that I sometimes acquiesce, he sometimes submits. The Prophet Jagger once said: You can't always get what you want. But this Surrendered Wife stuff? This is not my cuppa. Not even a lil' bit.
And I'm with the previous poster: the first person (man or woman) to pinch my lips shut would be pulling back a bloody stump.
Posted by: Margi at May 08, 2007 08:22 PM (r6MCS)
27
Solomon Says:
"But it seemed worth pointing out that we have an established hierarchy in every institution established among mankind except the most important one. Why is that?"
Because to my way of thinking, it's not a one-way street, bud. Too much power on one side and the balance is lost. Ya dig?
Posted by: Margi at May 08, 2007 08:28 PM (r6MCS)
28
Some anthropologists have posited that humans develeped distinctive roles early in our evolution. Times change. Just as our appendix, which was probably necessary at one time but is now vestigial, so too is the concept of obedience and submission in women. Societally, we've evolved out of the need for such an arrangement. The past century was one of enormous change, proving that women were as capable as men in every endeavor. Not to say that the sexes are completely equal in every way, but I do believe that they deserve equal treatment, and an equal say in their lives. I shudder to think that all of the progess that women have made could be diminished (or even erased, look at Iran) should such a movement catch hold. Really, I think that it is motivated more by a desire for a quick relationship fix, rather than doing the work that a relationship of equals takes. It is diffcult (having been divorced once and currently in what was once a rocky marriage, believe me, I know). At one time, I was once like the suicidal-looking henpecked gentleman. But in time, and with a lot of work on both of our parts, we salvaged our relationship. It just takes persistence, patience, and no small amount of courage. Just my two pennies
Posted by: maolcolm at May 08, 2007 11:16 PM (BiRsy)
29
Seems another edit is in order (Solomon's comment):
So you willingly submit to your manager 8 hours a day but won't submit to the woman you love? That seems odd.
Posted by: Jennifer at May 08, 2007 11:56 PM (atDyY)
30
Maolcolm-
Really, I think that it is motivated more by a desire for a quick relationship fix, rather than doing the work that a relationship of equals takes.
Precisely.
Posted by: Helen at May 09, 2007 07:37 AM (CCyzl)
31
You know I got this show off the net and thought exactly what Helen said... Its the ususual incendiary stuff that Channel 5 does. I found the entire show very compelling but like Helen by the end I was sick of its idea, that there was something correct in a woman doing exactly what she is told. So after cogitating on this for a day or so I've come to the conclusion that this thing was right about the same way that the Atkins Diet is right. The line in Atkins is that you can eat all the protien that you want and loose weight. And within reason it worked! At first there was all sorts of fireworks about what a stupid approach to weightloss this is/was most of the facts seem to bore out that it did cause people to loose weight. And the reason wasn't magical properties of steak or eggs because people were starting to focus on something when they were eating. It turned out that they could eat all the protien they wanted but because they focused only on it they didn't consume as many calories and lost weight. Maybe if we start refining the role of husband AND wife in the relationship it could lead to happier marriages and fewer divorces.
This idea of a woman in the marriage relationship needs to be obedient grates on my nerves as it smacks of her being subservient. Perhaps it kind of gives some definition to what the roles of husband and wife should be. A marriage isn't without rules for both husband and wife. The part that was missing from this show, I think, was that they both should be obedient to God.
Opinions of the show:
1. If you think its tough being called a Fundie (which I kind of like as its easy to say) don't become a Mormon.
2. The guy having his wife make him a smoothie in the morning which he stands there watching. What a jerk. However she can go back to bed while he's off fighting the corporate fight.
3. I liked and disliked the woman scrubbing the guy's back in the tub. Is there something good about this? Is there something wrong with it? Maybe this is what feminism has injected into the society, that we must be suspicious of the motives of those we love. Scubbing my or your back is somehow a political statement that is given by the man to keep you down.
4. The Thai woman? Did they get married out of love for each other or was this some superior English guy rescuing her from a bad life in Thailand. Marriage is tough enough when this kind of thought involved.
5. I hated the guy who didn't want his wife to talk. I know people who never shut up, I wonder if they talk to themselves when there is nobody else around but I certianly wouldn't marry one of them.
Posted by: Drake Steel at May 10, 2007 07:32 AM (CiU4y)
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May 07, 2007
Welcome to Rydell Corporation
A few days ago I had a business meeting in the nearby office of Company X. Now, it's been almost 4 years since I lost my job with Company X and despite my cottage cheese memory I can still tell you what it felt like to be told that I was being laid off, and I can still recall the depression that ensued thereafter. Weirdly enough I've dealt with Company X a lot over the past few years, luckily as a customer to their business, so I guess in hindsight (and with a couple of freshly picked sour grapes) I can say that things are ok. I was laid off by Company X (those fuckers), and while a part of me still hopes that their company crumbles and closes, the other part of me thinks I landed on my feet and it's really bad karma to think that way.
But it doesn't mean I don't feel weird being in their hallways.
Even though I was working in Sweden I did deal with some of the UK guys and there are often many business trips between the branches. I worry that some of the people who knew I was laid off will see me and ask why the hell I'm in the hallway, like I'm the runner-up in the Homecoming Pageant and I won't get the hell off the stage. I have actually seen a few of my former colleagues and they were great-I even had an enthusiastic bear hug by a German chap I worked with a lot near Dusseldorf. Whenever I see them I feel this immature need to state that I'm not just hanging around the hallways, I do actually have a job and you know what? I'm the customer here. Maybe I'll always feel this way-you laid me off, but I have to show in a non-asshole kind of way that I've risen above it.
I never worry I'll run into my ex-husband because I understand he's still living and working in China (and I do wish him happiness, I really do. I'm sure he wishes I'll fall down some very deep well and never be heard from again, but I do hope he's found someone new to make him happier than I did.) I have toned it down a lot in worrying about meeting some of those from my former department in Sweden, which is actually a very real possibility. But I do worry about meeting up with my former managers, as well as meeting up with anyone that used to work with Angus' ex (who has since quit her job and doesn't work for Company X (or indeed at all) now).
About the time that Angus' marriage was ending, he and I started talking. My marriage hadn't quite breathed its last breath yet, and even though the writing was on the walls, it doesn't make it right that when he contacted me, I didn't even debate not having him in my life. We both have regrets about how we handled things and we both aren't proud about some aspects of our relationship, but what happened happened, and no amount of regret will change that. But I was still working for Company X, as was he (though in a different branch of the company) and as was his ex.
When she found out about Angus and I all hell broke loose. Even though I was out of the company by then, I did hear things. It was impossible not to hear the mud-flinging that went on, because after all, not only is it standard operating office procedure to blame the person that just left ("Do you have the McKenzie file?" "The McKenzie file? I thought Helen was doing that!" "Helen, that useless bitch! No wonder she was laid off, it was never done!"), but work is like high school.
Seriously.
All offices tend to have an edge of "Will you sign my yearbook?" about them. There are always cliques - the Corporate Shark Wanna-Be folk all congregating around the Speech Club podium. The technical/engineering/IT people all heading for Physics Clubs meeting. The HR people are all busy decorating the gym for homecoming. In the business meetings we had around the table you were always fairly certain there was a metaphorical slam book going around the table.
And offices are like high school because the gossiping is rife. High school is completely irrelevant for living in every way except tearing your ego down in expectation that life is going to repeatedly do that for you, anyway. If others can aid in the tearing down then obviously it means their own fragile egos will be saved.
So yes. I did hear what was said about me. The reputation slaying was phenomenal. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and hell really standeth no chance if work folk are involved. I heard it all-how dangerous and mentally unstable I was (both of which are true, but I was only a danger to myself, never to others). How I milked the company of money (very not true). How I was manic depressive and a manipulative liar (both not true.) How I stole her husband (which I refute in some ways-I think it's impossible to "steal" a person, in these situations all parties play a role.)
And I heard about those pushing forth the gossip and adding to it. I heard how my phone bills and computer files were checked and forwarded. I was livid with the intrusion, but as I'd already been laid off, there was nothing I could do (and luckily I'd wiped my PC clean of files before I handed it in.) I heard about people getting involved in the mud slinging that shouldn't have been. In the dark Swedish winter, I heard about all of it.
80,000 people were let go from Company X and I was one of them. I was told it was due to my length of service in the company-in my department you needed 7 years and 2 months to stay and I only had 4 years 9 months-and I believed them. It didn't mean that the gossip didn't add to the already incomprehensible agony I was feeling.
One of the gossiping was my former boss, Rolle. Rolle had been my boss for a long period of time and I knew him well. He wasn't the one who laid me off in the end-Rolle was interchangable with another manager I had, and between the two of them they were the only managers I had during that long stint at Company X-but he had been my boss. Rolle knew me very well. Rolle knew Angus and his ex very well.
And Rolle sided with Angus' ex.
I heard all the details. I heard what was said. A lot of it has passed from my memory, no longer relevant.
But when I saw him in the cantine at Company X last week, some of it came back.
I was sitting with some of my team eating a sandwich before our meeting. I saw someone at a table that looked familiar, but I didn't know why. I saw him staring at me with a similar expression, that "Where do I know her from?" look on his face. Then when I realized who it was, my heart started pounding. He caught on quickly, too, and he went a bit pink in the face.
Then we went about our business of ignoring each other.
I was hyper-aware of where he was, and hyper-aware of how much I didn't want him to talk to me. I had practiced a hot-headed speech ages ago of the things I would say to him if we ever bumped in to each other, but it all felt so pointless. My anger is gone now, and it's all stupid water under the bridge, he sided with one party against another. But to me, it was all uncalled for. Maybe it's true I had some of it coming. Maybe I did rise above it after the slurry came my way. But it was all too kicking a man when he's down for me.
We saw each other twice more in the hallways.
Both times we both pretended we didn't see the other person.
And I couldn't help but shake the feeling that as soon as I could get to my locker and get my chemistry book, I could tell my best friend about that dick who made fun of me in gym class, and when his slam book came around to me during English Lit, I'd make sure I wrote in an anonymous hand "I know what you said about me, and although it won't impact my life anymore, I'll never forgive you, you fucking asshole."
High school.
Work.
Same thing, really, but in one you get to pay taxes.
-H.
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1
Frank Zappa said that "Life is like High School with money." It's very true.
Trust me, it's much worse with a government job.
Posted by: ~Easy at May 07, 2007 11:36 AM (vL8BC)
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And I too would side with the musical community.
"The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who‘s the best dressed and who‘s having sex,
Who‘s got the money, who gets the honeys,
Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess
And you still donÂ’t have the right look
And you donÂ’t have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends
High school never ends"
--Bowling For Soup
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at May 07, 2007 11:59 AM (ceOV5)
3
GAWD, I still don't miss Corporate America...I ran out of there like I was on FIRE when I was made redundent. Now I work in Healthcare, which is much better because most of the assholes I work with now think they are GODS and the great part about that is they screw with people's lives...literally. Life is good....isn't it?
Posted by: Heidi at May 07, 2007 12:18 PM (/JHI7)
4
This is the reason I am damn glad I never worked for a large corporation although hospitals have their own gossip trails and women can be incerdibly jealous and vindictive. Luckily, I got out of that fairly soon. In floristry, it is only the thorns you have to fear - oh and maybe the knives.....LOL
Posted by: kenju at May 07, 2007 12:36 PM (DBvE5)
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:gulp: And I'm looking at going to one of those huge corporations for my thesis? Scary!
Posted by: Hannah at May 07, 2007 01:02 PM (5w+E2)
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I work in education - the perfect place for life to keep being like High School. And it is. Not only was I pushed out of my old job that I had done fabulously (if I say so myself) for 10 years, when a new principal came in - but my husband's ex-wife works here as a teacher. I feel like Joe Btfsplk - http://deniskitchen.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Category_Code=bios.joe.btfsplk
Posted by: Suze at May 07, 2007 02:16 PM (n5xQN)
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You have much more restraint than I do. I still have dreams about getting up and telling off my former boss and co-workers - and I quit.
You just have to hold your head up high and think of how much happier you are now than you were back then. I think it's perfectly acceptable to imagine that they accidentally tie their shoe laces together and trip in the middle of the cafeteria ... errr ... I mean hallway.
Posted by: Michele at May 07, 2007 02:17 PM (fcaMV)
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Oh, so very, very, true. I'm the happiest woman in the world not to have to put up with that crap anymore. Now I work in a small office where no one does what I do, and they leave me alone for the most part. As a social misfit, it works for me. I feel for ya, sweetie.
Posted by: sue at May 07, 2007 02:45 PM (WbfZD)
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God..you got that right Helen. I was laid off of my job last August. I was there 10 years and it devistated me. I was hurt beyond belief. I realize now that my life has taken a turn for the better. Because they did let me go. It still doesn't make it feel any better. I am still hurt by them and in fact have nightmares about that useless job.
Sometimes I feel like it was a marraige that ended badly.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 07, 2007 05:11 PM (QNSMg)
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You suddenly made me very happy to have chosen the path I did. I am just a Typing Monkey and I do not have any benefits, I don't belong to an organization (other than my own) and I am responsible for my own taxes (my share plus "employer contributions").
But I do not have to put up with that High School stuff and nonsense one iota.
And for that, I just became incredibly grateful!
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at May 07, 2007 06:53 PM (qs4Ot)
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When I read things like this, it makes me so happy that I have a grossly underpaid non-corporate job! Ugh.
Posted by: geeky at May 07, 2007 07:56 PM (ziVl9)
12
Just be glad that you aren't a high school teacher like me -- it sure does make work interesting -- and the cliques still form, even in the teachers.
Drama!
Posted by: Jamie at May 07, 2007 10:21 PM (XpM61)
13
So I read this post yesterday, and when I got to the end of today's post, I was all "RYDELL! Like Rydell High in Grease!"
It all makes sense now. Sorry. I'm lame.
Posted by: amy t. at May 08, 2007 03:37 PM (3dOTd)
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May 03, 2007
Opinions
So, I knew it would happen.
I was surprised to not see it more on Statia's site when she was pregnant. I used to fear going into her comments, because I figured it would be there. I think she mostly escaped unscathed. I've seen it on some of what are referred to as Mommy Blogs, and while I don't intend on being a Mommy Blogger, this site is about whatever is on my mind at the moment. In the future, it's entirely possible my children are on my mind at that exact moment I sit down to blog. Maybe I blog about them, maybe I don't, but one thing is for sure-we have ways we're going about things as a couple. They are not up for debate.
I really got fucked off about yesterday's comments and yes, I am almost certainly being oversensitive. It's a hazard these days, especially when dog food commercials can reduce me to tears. I have enough hormones in my body to fuel whole power stations, you bet that my mood swings mean things are going to cause me to react (and potentially over-react).
But as we go forward with this pregnancy, there's one thing I want to make clear- I'm not after views on if people think I'm doing something the right way or the wrong way. This goes across the board, from my boss to my Dad to my blog.
This site has been remarkable in the help I've gotten, from how to get rid of a veruca to handling Mumin killing local wildlife to the difference between the neighborhood's ducks or geese. I am honestly grateful. You have advice about the best pacifier to use? Drop me an email, that'd be great. A friend sent me an email not too long ago about some good morning sickness remedies, that was very welcome. Seen a book that you think might be helpful? Let me know about it, please. Please-if you know of a good baby product, tell me about it. I have absolutely no idea about baby things, and it's been 10 years since Angus has been in the baby world himself.
But child-rearing is a different ballpark. I would never, ever go to a stranger (or even a friend) and tell them they are doing the wrong thing based on one of their choices (unless said choice was along the lines of dangling a kid out the window, of course. Then we'd be having a talk.) As this blog progresses, I'd be grateful if people didn't feel the need to tell me how to raise my kids. I am most definitely new to all of this, but Angus isn't. He's a father of two kids, one a teenager, one a pre-teen. I think this means that since they've survived this long and are in robust shape, he knows what he's talking about.
To get it all out in the open, we will be:
- using day care
- bottle feeding
- using disposable diapers
- never co-sleeping
- using cry it out when they get older
- loving them a million times a day, even when we're too tired to brush our hair
These things are what we feel is best for us. They might not apply to all. But they are our kids. We have our reasons for each and every one of those choices, and they are choices that Angus and I made together, as we evaluate what is best for our family. There is no "right" and "wrong" in how people choose what they want for their family. It's just choice.
You may not like our choices. They may not be your choices. But your life and our lives aren't maybe the same. There is no right and wrong to how people go about choosing what they want for their kids. You want day care? Rock on. You want co-sleeping? If it makes you happy....You want to breastfeed them until they're graduating from high school? Well, it may make prom night difficult, but it's your family, you need to do as you see best.
A very kind email from Easy helped clear my head, especially when he said this: The only one qualified to tell you how to raise your kids is YOU. Don't hesitate to be firm on the subject. (I hope you don't mind that I put a few lines from your email, Easy. It really helped.)
I'm still only 14 weeks and I've got about 23 more weeks to go. I'm just rooting for "Let's get 'em out alive" and then I'll move on to "Let's make sure they're never on Oprah weeping about their childhood". I'm not interested in the early implications that I might already be a bad mother and I haven't even gotten to hold one of them yet. Let's get them out, healthy and happy in one piece, because otherwise it's really jumping the gun here.
By all means, please be a part of this with me. I'm overwhelmed on a daily basis. Seriously. I love that you might want to read. I love my blog, and I love the people that comment and email.
But I would appreciate as we go forward that people's views are not impressed upon me. If you hate that we are using day care or bottle feeding or not naming one of them LaShonda, then you can click the red "X" in the corner. You can plug your ears with your fingers and sing. You can go and agressively chop onions until they are turned into a mushy paste. You can do anything you like, but please don't try to convince me to change my mind as I'm one stubborn bitch sometimes and it simply won't work.
I'm sorry, but our choices are not up for debate, either with our friends, family, colleagues, or on my blog.
If I come across as a bit bitchy, well...I'm kinda' pissed off, actually. But don't take it personally, please, just know that I'm pretty sensitive about this. Just hang out with me. Talk to me. Tell me a funny baby story. Let me know a pregnancy with a good ending (good endings are welcome, especially if you have been on bed rest with the Discovery Channel. Good endings are almost essential). Pregnancy is stressful enough, I'd like my blog to be a stress-free zone.
And that concludes the Fighting Back portion of today's lesson.
-H.
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1
Well said.
I respect your choices, I love you for your likenesses and differences.
Posted by: Steff at May 03, 2007 02:44 PM (fIFtd)
Posted by: Teresa at May 03, 2007 02:52 PM (oDiK5)
3
When X has a tantrum, we tell him to "take it up with Oprah"
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at May 03, 2007 02:56 PM (ceOV5)
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oh, i just love you for saying all that. good for you, girly. xxox
Posted by: leah at May 03, 2007 03:04 PM (Msku8)
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I think people are afraid of Statia. It's her inner The Hoff. I know she can take me so I don't fuck with her. :-p
This entry made me think all sorts of things and of course the one I don't
want to think about is the one what planted itself into my head and won't leave. Re: Prom Breastfeeding....
Biddy.... Ew ew ew ew!! Silkwood shower, please!
I'd like to agree with Easy on this matter and will offer my one piece of assvice (which is what I'm seeing all over a lot of mom-blogs I read--ASSvice): Laugh often. Go ahead and laugh. A lot of the stuff you'll encounter is funny, even if you worry it will warp the kiddo later on. Chances are it won't. (I mean, my mom told me and my brother that one of us was adopted and the other was a hermaphrodite but wouldn't say who was which. ...maybe that's not the BEST example, but we all still laugh about it.)
I also hear that textual zerberts on photos are an
excellent way to ensure a good future.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 03, 2007 03:15 PM (+p4Zf)
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You know there is a quote..Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.
Don't let it stress you too much, because stress is the last thing you need right now.
If people were really considerate, they would realize the you are a high risk pregnancy 1) IVF and 2) TWINS nonetheless, and they would leave you with happy thoughts or make the choice just to keep their comments to themselves.
Posted by: Heidi at May 03, 2007 03:18 PM (yRTJR)
7
I love you for being so firm about this. Assvice is everywhere when you are pregnant and after. I hope my suggestions for Preggie Pops and maternity underweare don't fall into that category.... It's so hard to tell when you are saying it if it will come off as assvice or just a good product tip. The former is never welcome, the latter is always welcome. To me anyway. But I would NEVER presume to tell anyone they should do things they way I do them. And I will never understand why people, mothers in particular, seem to feel that if you say you are doing something differently than they did, that you are attacking their choices. I nurse and stay home but I can totally see that those are NOT the options for other people. It doesn't make those choices less valid for either of us.
I always dream of telling people, my MIL in particular, "You raised your children. It's my turn to raise mine, thankyouverymuch"
I wish I could say that it will stop but I don't think it ever will, all the way up to helping them choose their colleges. The downside of parenthood, I suppose.
But let me sum up this very lengthy comment to tell you that I support whatever choices you make and I know that you will be best mother to those Lemonheads.
Posted by: donna at May 03, 2007 03:21 PM (0VoEe)
8
OMG you mean you're NOT naming one of them LaShonda?
Seriously though, people are entitled to their opinions which are often better kept to themselves.
Personally I look forward to hearing all about it!
Posted by: Erin at May 03, 2007 03:25 PM (HQy7k)
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People better STEP! *snaps in a circle* Seriously, its so easy for peope to tell you what you should do, but when it gets down to it, they are your children and you must do what you know is right for your family. Everyone else can fuck off.
When your pregnant a phenominon I like to call The World Is My Doctor occurs and then when you pop your kid(s) out, The World Is Your Pediatrician/Boss. It's quite annoying. Welcome to HELL.
Posted by: Kathy at May 03, 2007 03:43 PM (Uo7Mt)
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LOL! I didn't read today's entry first and went off on a tangent in your last set of comments from yesterday, lol!
Anyway, ditto on all you said.
I was actually ranting to Dan about you this morning and he suggested putting up a questionaire on all bloggers' blogs before anyone is allowed to comment. You have to answer 4 questions correctly, like "Do you understand you do not really "know" this blogger?" etc., questions that show they've actually READ your blog before, etc.
If they answer any question incorrectly, they can't comment, lol!
I'm sure all of us would install that code ASAP! Heh
Posted by: The other Amber at May 03, 2007 03:50 PM (zQE5D)
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O.K. I'll keep my opinions to myself. Wow. Suggesting that a mom be a mom is a pretty "out there" concept these days I guess. Don't know how my parents managed, with my mom at home raising the kids and my father working a blue collar job. We only had one car and a small, modest house but I was blessed to have my mom with me every step of my childhood. This is the last you'll hear from me. Don't have to tell me twice when I'm not welcome just because I happen to have an opinion that differs.
Posted by: Meanine at May 03, 2007 03:58 PM (4g1jr)
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I am the champion in the unasked-for "assvice" department, as you know, but still, there is a HUGE difference (to me, anyway) between saying "Have you tried/considered/used X?" and saying "My way of X is the best way"... even if I don't always do it the right way, myself...
And anyway, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. You never know what will happen in the ensuing few weeks, and you might change your mind about ANY of the above. But right or wrong, you are the parents, and it's your choice.
FWIW I know you've put a heck of a lot of thought into this, and I'm sure whatever you decide will be best for all of you.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 03, 2007 04:02 PM (r0kgl)
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Helen,
I daily wish I knew you in person. Through your blog (and this is so odd to me), I've developed a real sense of affection for you and great admiration of you.
Screw everybody's opinions. You and Angus have already proven yourselves a thousand times over (and I only know what I read here, not what goes that you choose NOT to share) TO EACH OTHER that you're going to make a fantastic pair of parents.
I'm really happy for you. I think you're the cat's ass, as my grandma used to say.
Much love!
Posted by: Deborah at May 03, 2007 04:04 PM (GOFVL)
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I was thinking firm, rather than bitchy. Stating your terms clearly saves all sorts of grief, right?
I'm so excited for you and A (and now scared to go read your comments section from yesterday)!
Posted by: Opal at May 03, 2007 04:06 PM (Us7dd)
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Hey Meanie? You didn't get the point I see. I'm glad your childhood was so happy. My Lemonheads? They're going to have a happy childhood too.
Your comment:
O.K. I'll keep my opinions to myself.?
Yeah. You do that.
Anyway, there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out.
Posted by: Helen at May 03, 2007 04:09 PM (CCyzl)
16
You know, I think it has a lot to do with SAHMs being offended that those of us who DO work can raise children every bit as well adjusted and healthy as they do. OH, and I clean my house and cook and participate in our kids extra-curricular actiities on top of it.
Sorry to burst your bubble, Meanie - having your children in daycare DOES NOT equal having someone else raise them - and the fact that you couldn't resist commenting AGAIN to try and slap Helen with your own opinions shows how small-minded you really are.
Posted by: Tracy at May 03, 2007 04:09 PM (jfil0)
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Good News Story here...
I have a co-worker who spent years trying the IVF route to concieve and eventually, after much shared heartache, she did indeed concieve.
Side story as to how she was six months pregnant before she told anyone.. and no, no one noticed.. she proclaimed it as a benefit of being "the fat girl"..
at 6.5 months she had to go on complete bed rest due to being very, very dilated. she spent 2 months on bed rest in the hospital, feet raised, no being out of the bed except for the bathroom. after 2 months, the whole nine yards. I believe there was much Discovery Channel watching (avoiding Discovery health of course and TLC)She was then allowed to go home for another month of bed rest.
After months of concern over her delivering too early, she eventually went past her due date and two weeks ago delivered a gorgeous healthy baby girl and collectively we all heaved a sigh of relief.
Always nice to share good news
Posted by: Jayne at May 03, 2007 04:10 PM (q5uvl)
18
Helen and Sophiesophie,
I didn't intend any offense or belittlement and apologize sincerely to both of you.
I'll continue to comment (Helen permitting)
but will keep my opposing views to a minimum (hopefully zero) for the next 8 months. Having gone through this a few times, Solomon understands the value of low stress. If I had known my comments would cause stress, I wouldn't have made them.
I'm sorry.
Posted by: Solomon at May 03, 2007 04:23 PM (al5Ou)
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I am a SAHM, just because I don't like to work outside the home-that is the god's honest truth.
It is a choice that works for my family, and I don't expect it to work for anyone else. I do not have a career, and before motherhood I worked a boat load of meaningless jobs. Being a mom seems to be the only thing I am good at, but there a a lot of days I wish I had a job to go to-I envy many of my friends who have a career and a job they love (all of that and still being loving attentive moms *gasp*!). But I know I am too lazy and unmotivated to be able to do that. I am constantly amazed at the moms who work outside the home and then still do everything (and so much more) that I do while I 'stay at home' (I do daycare in my home part-time). Us moms are our own worst enemies-it is just like the whole bottlefeeding/breastfeeding argument. We really do need to stop beating each other up and support each other. One opinion or lifestyle is not better than the other. End of story.
Posted by: Teresa at May 03, 2007 04:24 PM (oDiK5)
20
I worked and didn't breastfeed...and my kids normal..hmm.
And I feel exactly as Deborah feels. When I found out your were pregnant I felt as though my best friend or a family member was expecting. You have no idea how many people probably feel this way and just never said. I'm here to say once I'm so proud, happy, anxious, and thrilled for you.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 03, 2007 04:30 PM (a7p6H)
21
"Don't have to tell me twice when I'm not welcome just because I happen to have an opinion that differs."
The irony being, you did have to tell her twice. Go figure.
Posted by: Z.Hendirez at May 03, 2007 04:30 PM (ceOV5)
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Rock on with your bad self!
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at May 03, 2007 04:36 PM (WOXRM)
23
Hang in there, sweetheart. There's only one person on the planet who gets more unsolicited advice than a pregnant woman -- the woman with a brand-new baby (or two). Gird your loins. You are the best arbiter of what is right and wrong for you and your family. My unsolicited assvice included!
I love you like fire! I've said it before and I'll say it again: you are a wonderful Mother and you're going to be an ever more awesome Mommy.
xoxo
Posted by: jUST mE at May 03, 2007 04:48 PM (2Wxch)
24
These are your babies, you raise them how you want. Opinions are like assholes....everyone has one. Enuff said..you just keeping living your life the way you want...
Posted by: Monica at May 03, 2007 05:45 PM (GHyUE)
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People are telling you how to parent at 14 weeks gestation?
Send 'em my way. Ass, meet foot. Especially if they start that tired, tired shit about how idyllic their white-trash fundie upbringings were, what with mom always barefoot and pregnant and dad always stern but fair. Sure, they were poor, but they were rich in love!
But not BRAINS, sadly. Or class, or decency, or knowing when to put a sock in it.
Those bossy types can die of the crotch rot. They ruin everything with their know-it-all ignorance. A pox on 'em, I say. A nasty, festering pox to match the one they've left oozing in their hearts.
Posted by: ilyka at May 03, 2007 06:04 PM (9rSPX)
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First of all, I'm so glad for you! I've been lurking for months on this blog, and I feel like you're one of my friends or something. I was so happy to read your news yesterday. I wanted to tell my RL friends, and then remembered that they don't "know" you.
Anyway, definitely keep telling people to piss off. You don't need any more stress than you have. Sending many happy thoughts and warm wishes to you and yours!
Posted by: Meredith at May 03, 2007 06:25 PM (S/Lrj)
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Right on Heidi - Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and some of them are louder than others.
You do it the way you want to Helen. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Posted by: kimmykins13 at May 03, 2007 06:34 PM (HUKlZ)
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I know, I'm hogging comments BUT! On the vein of unsolicited advice to new mommies, I am reminded of when I was pregnant with my first and so was my husband's sister. Her husband had the GALL to start arguing with me when I told him my doctor didn't prescribe special prenatal vitamins for me the way his wife's doctor had prescribed for HER.
Our argument became somewhat heated as I tried to explain that my doctor believed in a healthy, varied diet rich with natural foods instead of taking vitamins. He got so wound up about his position that he ended up saying that if I didn't take prenatal vitamins, my baby would be born DEFORMED!
YES! He said that because I wouldn't see things his way!!
You know the saying "hell hath no fury"? Yeah. Imagine my rage. I've never seen anyone go out the door so damn fast in my life. I went berserk and luckily my husband threw him out before I could get to him.
God knows what I would have done if I'd just gotten my pregnant little hands on that asswipe.
You know...I have a couple of weddings coming up where I might see him again after many years now. I should probably point out my BEAUTIFULLY grown up daughter and say, "Not very deformed, is she?"
/walks off muttering "asswipes"
Posted by: The other Amber at May 03, 2007 06:37 PM (zQE5D)
29
When I think about myself as a toddler..I weep for that tiny little girl and imagine her having to spend all day-every day with my mother.
You people are going to give me nightmares, lol.
Posted by: Lindsay at May 03, 2007 06:51 PM (S/AQJ)
30
Congrats on it all! From the pregnancy to standing up for yourself. I know you have doubts about the whole "twins" situation, but if anyone can handle this, it'll be you. I don't "know" you, but I DO read your thoughts everyday, so I believe you prevail at the mommy/child relationship! All the luck in the world to you and Angus in the months to come. You WILL get through this without a doubt!
Posted by: Jessica at May 03, 2007 06:58 PM (ii/lW)
31
Feel free to quote me anytime.
Get on with your bad self, mom!!
Posted by: ~Easy at May 03, 2007 08:23 PM (vL8BC)
32
Whew. Glad I kept my big trap shut for a change. I almost offered some gentle but unsolicited advice yesterday, then thought better of it, deciding that YOU are the judge of the situation, not me. Looks like I just escaped a good peepee whacking. Besides I've got too many fucked up kids, so you don't want parenting advice from me. All I can say is love them to death and make sure they have all they need (I know you'll do that).
Posted by: diamond dave at May 03, 2007 09:39 PM (VXEan)
33
if this is you, pissed off, then you've been making extraordinary progress in therapy.
(ha)
Seriously, I'm proud of you for drawing the line in the sand NOW about what comments you will and will not accept about pregnancy and child-rearin'.
We all know that some jack-holes will completely ignore you, convinced as they are that they have the personal word of god and must absolutely share it with you.
If someone here in the comments hasn't already done so, might I suggest that we all posse up and help guide the trolls to other places (preferably dark, sticky, and unpleasant), using Helen's marvelously polite but firm policy as our guidelines? There's no need for the comments to become a flame battleground or overburdened with vigilantes.
Ma'am, we're here to help. You just bring 'em home alive.
LD
Posted by: lynD at May 03, 2007 09:54 PM (2F9Ak)
34
Helen this is YOUR online home. As far as I'm concerned you don't like how commenters talk to you - KICK THEM OUT! You wouldn't put up with this sh*t in your real home would you? I guess I'm feeling frustrated because I can't lean over smack meanie in the back of the head and tell her to have a good hard look at herself - or maybe that's just how us Aussie's deal with this kind of stuff!!
...as for the rest of us - we love you and we're VERY VERY excited! These babies have already proven how smart they are by picking you both to be their parents.
Hang in there!!xxxx
Posted by: Flikka at May 03, 2007 10:01 PM (puvdD)
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Oops did I say Meanie? I meant to say Meanine, although really is there any difference?? :-P
Posted by: tandarook at May 03, 2007 10:04 PM (puvdD)
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Sorry, Helen. You know I'm excited for you.
Tracy:
I am actually a bit offended by your tone. Meanie, or whatever his/her name is, is not the only SAHM who reads this blog. I've worked after my son was born and I've done the SAHM bit. I have liked both. I've actually found being a SAHM 100 times as hard as being a working mom. I also like it better for some reasons, as I get to see my kids every day all day long, but I also like working better for other reasons.
Not all SAHM are bitter of working women, and I get very tired of that assumption. Very tired. I'm also very tired of a lot of the stereotypes people place on SAHM. Quite frankly, it pisses me the fuck off.
Let's have some understanding on both sides, instead of high horses and all that.
As far as Helen goes, she should do whatever she feels will help her to be the best parent to her kids - as she is doing. And that's wonderful.
Posted by: Jen(aside) at May 03, 2007 10:26 PM (gYSw/)
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Delurking to say Congrats!!!
I've been reading you for a little while now and I'm really glad to "hear" your news
Posted by: Serena at May 04, 2007 12:16 AM (z5KLn)
38
this makes me so sad. no LaShonda. well, i'm going to get flat-out ANGRY if you don't name one of them ShaQuan.
Posted by: sarahk at May 04, 2007 01:27 AM (QLpkT)
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Any time you mention how you diaper or feed (or how you plan on doing same) AND/OR your "sleep solution," expect some pretty extreme opinions. And they're just that. Opinions. That was the ONE THING that I can say was truly refreshing about being pregnant again at 40. No one DARED to tell me how to do it.
Please don't give up, though. There are valuable stories from people who really care. Unfortunately, any time you leave your opinon out in the open, there's going to be SOMEONE to make you feel like shit for saying it. Always.
I have absolutely NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that you and your Beloved are going to blend your families beautifully and raise two MORE lovely children in your loving home. The "how" you got there matters not one whit. It's that you do love and care and try.
I love you dearly and know that you will do whatever is best for your children.
(Now ain't THAT a kick in the pants?! Say it with me: my children. MY. CHILDREN. You are so awesome. It's going to be a wonderful life you make for them, Dear.)
Posted by: Margi at May 04, 2007 02:20 AM (yBsm3)
40
I think from the getgo, I totally just didn't take any shit. I think people realized that. But, with that said, there were quite a few comments left that totally bugged the shit out of me. I think it's just what you let get to you. Don't worry, a good bit of it did at times. I think it just comes with being pregnant. Just wait until you actually have them, whoa boy, I want to punch people with their unsolicited advice on a regular basis.
We should start a club. And call it "Fuck.Off."
Posted by: statia at May 04, 2007 03:23 AM (KcrOI)
41
Jesus, I'm sorry you even had to write this post. People are so...I don't even know the right word to use. One person chose to berate me in the comments after I blogged about possibly the darkest day of my adult life, and because I didn't give all the information she wanted! It is a privilege to share you life. That doesn't mean that we can't agree to disagree like civilized human beings, but being sensitive is a requirement.
Posted by: Donna at May 04, 2007 03:40 AM (lQSbL)
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I'm late to the party but just wanted to send some support your way. You are so right to lay it all out there and I hope you can continue to be as honest and freshing with your readers as you have been about your life in the past. Motherhood is the great leveller and I was stunned at how many about turns I made along the journey. No one can know whats best for you except you.
I think this exact issue has been more problematic than most for me. I have looked to professionals for help and realised (eventually) that they are just going to quote the book and ultimately the only person who can make the decision is me assisted by my husband, family and friends.
This applies to most things baby related, in my special case right now - to me giving up breastfeeding because my 10 month old has self weaned and is just not interested anymore. I thought that I would breastfeed until I wanted to give up, it just never occured to me that my headstrong, wilful little girl would know better than me when that time was! So now I am struggling with whether to transition her to cow juice or start her off on some formula.
And you know what, thats something I am going to have to decide on and live with. So there general public!
Enough rambling, you and the lemonheads ROCK!
Posted by: SuperSarah at May 04, 2007 04:33 AM (paC52)
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Well, either that or we all just believed Statia really would punch us in the throat...
Posted by: Tracy at May 04, 2007 04:35 AM (zv3bS)
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I think your choices are great. You made choices, so they ARE great! I have had multiple miscarriages, and at one point thought I would never have children. I have a healthy 20yr old daughter and a healthy 18 yr old son. While sometimes we have our issues, all the struggles we had getting them here were well worth it, as I am sure you will be telling us in 20 years.
Much love.
Posted by: Mitzi at May 04, 2007 12:22 PM (cB5ML)
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Hey Stranger, congratulations. I just reacquainted myself with your blog. I haven't visited in quite awhile. I started reading again recently. This baby news is a big deal. I had commented maybe a year, year and a half ago about your need for a youngling, during a series of posts where you seemed to be freaking out about the bio clock and your qualifications to parent a child. I said that my wife and I where baron, fertility speaking. We adopted 3 children when I was 37 and she was 42. We have since adopted 4 more and I am 46 and she is 51 the children are 1, 2, 4, 5, 10, 11 and 13. My point being I suggested to you before that you dive in head first torpedoes be damned. Life is short. Twins wow. Tip #1. Set up a small fan by the changing table for fresh air exchange. Twins wow. I have 2 still crapping in they're pants. It's a real treat.You should be fine.
Posted by: chris at May 04, 2007 12:41 PM (Z7ZqC)
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Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself!
Some of the things I got annoyed with while I was/am prego...
"You're naming him that..."
and
"Even one cup of coffee a day is bad! How can you do that to your child!"
Yeah, so I tend to not tell people what I'm naming him anymore (besides really close friends and family).
I shudder to think of what I'll hear once he actually is born. Thankfully, I can lovingly tell my mom to shut up and my mother in law is totally cool about stuff like that. They're the only ones that will be around at his birth.
Posted by: Minawolf at May 04, 2007 12:46 PM (svbR5)
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You're only going to love them a million times a day? How could you?! My mom loved us two million times a day. It's the only way to ensure you have healthy, normal children.
(Totally kidding, for those who don't get it.)
You're going to be a great mom, Helen
Posted by: geeky at May 04, 2007 01:12 PM (ziVl9)
48
Here's wishing you, Angus and the twins the very brightest future possible. And please know that for every person that feels the need to be judgmental, there are dozens of us who are just really happy for you.
Good thoughts and prayers being sent your way ...
Posted by: Jenn at May 04, 2007 01:27 PM (+lMSr)
49
I've got two years of graduate school ahead of me...I need to live vicaariously until I can start my own family. Keep whatever is on your mind flowing.
You'd better start practicing your one liners because I've found that people like to give their own oppinions about everything.
Posted by: Impossiblejane at May 04, 2007 02:03 PM (2tXEI)
50
As I told my daughter when she was pregnant with my grandson (and have told my children at various times during their lives)... "children don't come with manuals. you do the very best you can with what you have to work with and you try to do better than you were raised, even if you had a perfect childhood". You will do what you feel is best and it will be fine. Love is the most important thing, the rest? Just gravy.
Posted by: sue at May 04, 2007 02:39 PM (WbfZD)
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No one else has lived your life, so no one else is qualified to tell you how to live it.
Of course, a lot of people are a-holes and don't get that.
I think you're a fantastic Mom already - look at all you've gone through to become one! You're a rockstar in my book!
Posted by: Heather at May 04, 2007 03:59 PM (s0rhn)
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Well said, Helen. And those of us who are long-time readers/supporters/cheerleaders...we respect your decisions and love you.
Posted by: Mia at May 04, 2007 04:08 PM (8yLzc)
53
The Internet always thinks it's right. Also the Internet thinks it can raise your baby the best. The Internet send me emails trying to sell me drugs, penis enlargers and mail order brides.
Also, I am so with you on the bottles, sleeping, crying, daycare (I was a day care baby and look how I turned out!), and the diapers.
I've already talked about the possibility of several full time nannies. That way I won't have to interrupt my developing drinking habit any longer than necessary.
Posted by: Some Girl at May 04, 2007 04:28 PM (RdoF/)
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(((((((happy happy, joy joy, H!))))))))
Posted by: nojo at May 04, 2007 08:47 PM (9w9oq)
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long-time lurker, first time commenter coming out to say congratulations! When I was pregnant with my IUI boy, it was hard to believe it was going to end in a live baby, so my pregnancy announcement was: I'm expecting a 'maybe'. The definite for your two 'maybes' is that you and yours are going to be fabulous parents -- you're dedicated, passionate, brave, and smart. Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy.
Posted by: kirsten at May 04, 2007 09:03 PM (FsKmp)
56
It's funny how those who are the first to lecture others about raising their children are often the last to see their own shortcomings. One time, we were having a get-together at a friend's house for our reenactment group. One of the young ladies there (who is obnoxious about many other topics as well) began to spout off about how "parents these days just don't watch their kids". During said rant her two-year-old son, who had been roaming about the house unattended and unwatched (except by the rest of us) discovered a hammer. She was oblivious to this, and to the fact that the young man was headed straight for the aquarium, armed with the hammer and a plan. Luckily, enough of us were watching that the aquarium was saved and the child disarmed. Meanwhile, her comments on bad childrearing continued, unabated. To this day, I don't think she ever noticed what her son had been up to, or what could have happened. So seriously, ignore those who can't resist the urge to put their two cents in, and do what you think is best. Personally, I think you and Angus will do a wonderful job.
Posted by: maolcolm at May 04, 2007 10:01 PM (S2WX6)
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LaShonda...shit, now are you serious about that name? We don't have names like that here in Oz but you can bet your bottom dollar we do have a lot of tradgedies. Best wishes for a smooth pregnancy, stay healthy and happy. I look forward to all your posts. K
Posted by: K at May 05, 2007 01:41 PM (C5Y+W)
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We run our own business, so as far as we are concerned have no choice but to work when our Baby Boy arrives in early sept!! In fact I reckon Hubby's blackberry will be my other birth partner !! (We are sort of in Telco too).
You know what hun - Fuck em all and Tom Cruise too :0) - There are larger crimes going on in the world for people to take their opinions out on - Don't change x
Posted by: Sarnie at May 06, 2007 04:42 PM (58uel)
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Remember opinions are like a@#holes. Everybody has one. Do what feels right for you and you won't go wrong.
Posted by: Todd at May 07, 2007 01:44 AM (A+jmL)
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delurking to congratulate you on the lemonheads(and for taking the bull by the horns)!
Posted by: kate at May 07, 2007 01:42 PM (a7q+T)
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May 02, 2007
Just a Wee Bit More
Thank you very much for the nice comments on our last post. I promise I won't talk about the babies all the time from here on, but here's a bit more background.
We're 14 weeks pregnant exactly today. Although our due date is Halloween there's no way in hell we'll actually make that date - singletons are usually born at 40 weeks, but twins almost never make it that far. Our doctor has told us to think of 37 weeks as the end date, which puts our babies arriving at some point the beginning of October. Don't think I'm not dressing the infants up for Halloween. If the dog doesn't escape my Halloween frenzy, two helpless babies don't stand a chance.
We really have had a lot going on for us. I see I wasn't as good at hiding things as I thought I was (based on the number of commenters who suspected something was up, anyway.) This is why I don't play poker. I may as well label my forehead "Gee, you want my money? 'Cause I have a crap hand!" when I play.
This whole getting pregnant business has been a particular roller coaster. My IVF cycle (which was called a shared cycle, in which I gave half of my eggs to another woman who has no eggs of her own, for whatever reason) was a terrible round. I had almost no eggs to work with, let alone to give away. Surprisingly, I wound up with having 2 embryos myself to work with. We haven't found out if the other woman succeeded yet, and although we will at some point, we're maybe not ready to know just yet.
To say that we were shocked that both embryos - which weren't amazing quality - took is an understatement.
People will have different reactions of learning they're having multiples. While for some (particularly those on the infertility treatment merry-go-round) the idea is heaven, for others the idea is a new version of hell. I've learnt that fathers riding the Having a Baby pony a second time around the track are particularly afraid of having twins or more, since they know what it's like raising one baby. Couples tend to fall into either category - delight at "winning the baby lottery" or fear of the changes to come, and both reactions are normal and individual. You might not like it or agree with someone's reaction, but learning you're having twins is a huge deal that will have an emotional consequence.
I'll be honest - we weren't exactly over the moon when we found out it was twins. Cue Alexis Carrington-like sobbing and arguing scenes the day we found out (and that's from both of us). While we were delighted that we were pregnant, the idea of twins scares the living fuck out of both of us. Our biggest concern was (and still is) finances. A single baby we could handle with no problem financially, but now with two babies we're facing day care bills of anywhere from £900-1500 (we're still researching), and that's going to cause a real shift in how we live our life from a money perspective (don't worry - we already know the shape of the universe in every other area is going to change now that we have infants.) So combine the financial issue (belt tightening, anyone?), the pure lack of sleep we're facing, and the fact that we haven't gotten our asses in gear and built the extension (so where the hell are we going to put two babies?) into the equation, and we were shit scared.
Happy it worked.
Shit scared.
We still are.
But we have moments of happiness, too. I wouldn't say either of us has gotten used to the idea of twins, neither of us has come around to believing that we've won the baby lottery and we probably won't ever see it that way, but I have seen signs that both of us care about the babies. As the one who will be lugging them around inside of her (and I've already gained 12 pounds, which somehow doesn't freak me out as much as it would have), I feel very strongly about the babies. I already love them and they only just resemble human beings at this point in gestation. It's too early to feel them move but they are simply a part of my day. I don't think about them every single moment, but I don't forget about them either.
We told Angus' kids while we were in Cancun. They both took it very, very well. Jeff even said he wanted to adopt one of them, but when we pointed out that an infant may put a crimp in his football practice, he agreed that maybe he'll just mentor one of them.
Melissa has also taken it very well. She has said she's keen to babysit and wants to be here when they're born (but we told her that twins will mean complications, and I get a nice long stay in the hospital, so maybe they should come the week after. Angus and I aren't being obstructive, we simply want to be alone during the week that they're born to try to adjust.) Twice I have been asked to promise that I will love her as much as I love them. Once I swore we would do. The other time I put an arm around her shoulder and told her not to tell the twins, but it's possible I may just love her more.
I want her to feel as secure and invovled as possible. Jeff too. So does Angus, and we watch them carefully for signs of upset. So far so good. We've started a baby name list and the kids were a part of choosing names (although Jeff's favorites have been stricken off the name list already. Much as I love the kid, there's no way I'm naming our babies "Wayne" and "Krusty".)
The first trimester was harder than I thought it would be. I was nauseous all the time and I slept constantly. I still sleep more than I used to, but aside from blinding hormone induced migraines the symptoms are getting better and I find that I am constantly hungry now. Maybe this is all practice for how expensive twins will be, because I am eating us out of house and home (yet still, I've only gained 12 pounds in 14 weeks, which is below-target for moms having twins.)
We had a real scare about the babies two weeks ago, when a scan revealed that one of them - and you should know we call the babies the Lemonheads, a name given to them by a lovely blogger friend of ours when they were the size of lemons (they're now the size of a fist) - was at a high risk for Down's syndrome. We didn't know what to do so got a second opinion, which showed the risk was real. So we had an invasive test procedure to test the baby. The test itself has a risk for causing miscarriage, so it was a fraught time for us.
Monday we found out the Lemonhead is fine.
Yesterday we had a scan and both babies were alive and well.
We're still a little nervous something might go wrong, but determined to try to dial it down and relax a bit.
On Monday Angus and I were in an all-day meeting. After I had gotten the news that our Lemonhead was Down's free, we went into the meeting room and sat next to each other. Once the presentation had begun I saw Angus fumbling in his pocket for a pen and paper. He scribbled something and passed it to me.
Good news about baby, it said. Very pleased.
I love him.
I hold a sense of amazement-I am popping two little bags of Redenbacher popcorn in me. It seems surreal, and at the same time completely cool. We're happy, terrified, excited, nervous, and concerned all at once. The emotions go up and down, but it's safe to say there's usually an element of terror going on with everything we feel.
Maybe that's what parenthood is about.
So I won't talk about babies all the time on this site, but I leave you with a parting shot of what they looked like at 2 days old.
I think they have my eyes.
They totally have his hands.
-H.
PS-any pregnancy related pics are in this set, which I have now made public. I usually update the set weekly.
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1
Much as I love the kid, there's no way I'm naming our babies "Wayne" and "Krusty"
Agreed wholeheartedly--but I have to meet this kid.
Posted by: ilyka at May 02, 2007 10:31 AM (9rSPX)
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It's going to be ok. You simply adjust your lifestyle to your means and your now-empty wallet.
And, good idea about having a buffer week. You'll want to stay in the Hospital and get as much rest in as you can before you go home. Limit visitors until you're back home and let the nurses do as much for you as they can. It will help you get your strength back. That, and keep taking your prenatal's and maybe an Iron suppliment as well. That helped me quite a lot.
Posted by: Teri at May 02, 2007 12:38 PM (K7jOL)
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Helen, great news! I'm glad Lemonhead's OK. Have you seen the 'Shape of a Mother' project? When I saw your belly pictures it reminded me of that, and thought maybe you'd like it. Oh goodness, this is sounding like one of those comment spams, but I promise it's not. I'm not affiliated with them at all, I just thought you'd enjoy the site. It's http://theshapeofamother.com . I'm glad your IVF was successful!
Posted by: nuala` at May 02, 2007 12:40 PM (XFgsk)
4
If any of us waited until we could actually AFFORD kids, well... let's just say there would be a lot fewer kids.
I am so happy for you... I can't begin to tell you. All love going out for a safe and healthy pregnancy and two children who are going to get more love than human beings are usually allowed. I'm so tickled that the older kids are being so accepting and loving. You and Angus are doing things "just right" in getting them involved and discussing it all with them. See? You are already great parents. You just need some more little ones to "practice" on.... blessings on you all.
Posted by: sue at May 02, 2007 01:16 PM (WbfZD)
5
Theeese are daaays
to remember
Never before and never since
You know it's true - that you
are blessed and lucky
You know that you
are touched by something
I'm singing to you now in my best Natalie Merchant/10,000 maniacs voice. Hee Hee
Again Congratulations!
Posted by: kimmykins13 at May 02, 2007 02:40 PM (HUKlZ)
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Congrats! I'm so happy to hear this news. You, Angus, and your impending family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Myles
Posted by: Myles at May 02, 2007 02:43 PM (Rj0Is)
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A little terror is good in parenthood, I think.
And you have two October dates to choose from: October 2nd (my daughter's b-day) or October 14th (my son's b-day). Those are your orders-carry on.
Posted by: Teresa at May 02, 2007 02:51 PM (TuDgZ)
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I'd be worried about your mental frame of mind if you weren't scared shitless, lol.
Posted by: Lindsay at May 02, 2007 03:40 PM (mHNC3)
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Thank god they have his hands. You get the hand herpes.
Posted by: statia at May 02, 2007 03:41 PM (KcrOI)
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"facing day care bills of anywhere from £900-1500..."
I'm sorry, but I am somewhat distressed to hear that you are planning on allowing someone else to raise these babies that you want so much. I urge you to consider raising these wonderful babies yourself. Just think how much you'll miss by having some other person do it for you. OK. You can all now tell me what a horrid person I am. Just my opinion.
Posted by: Meanie at May 02, 2007 03:46 PM (4g1jr)
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Meanie-I'm going back to work. We cannot afford for me not to. I'm planning on them being in day care for 3-4 days a week, which I think makes me a terribly lucky person, actually. I will miss them but I will be a constant part of their lives. Having children in day care does not necessarily make someone a bad parent, just as being a stay at home mom does not necesarily make someone a good one.
With children, we all have choices to make. I'm sure this is not the first of the criticism I will receive.
But it's not negotiable. We want our kids to have a good life and good experiences, and we feel that me working will provide this.
Posted by: Helen at May 02, 2007 03:51 PM (CCyzl)
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I had a little chuckle while reading about the panic you felt(feel) over the double blessing headed your way. A guy I worked with for a few years, he and his wife started off with twins. When the first two reached the age of two, the parents decided that they wanted three children. I guess that they should have been more specific in their prayers and said "three total", because they then had triplets. Two pregnancies yielded an entire basketball team. And no fertilization drugs were used.
Take care of yourself and the little ones with you. And don't punch Angus when the labor pains hit.
Posted by: physicsgeek.mu.nu at May 02, 2007 03:53 PM (MT22W)
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I promise I won't talk about the babies all the time from here on,
Oh please! I'll be so disappointed if you don't talk about the babies! Especially since I'm trying like mad not to obsess over my own two both getting married within a year and they both plan on starting their families right away. W00t!
I NEED the VICARIOUS blow-by-blow from you, Helen! ;-P Get me all prepared. Heh.
Love the pictures! Looking forward to more!
Posted by: The other Amber at May 02, 2007 05:05 PM (zQE5D)
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I can see your smile and hear the wonder in your voice. Being scared and feeling adrift is a part of parenting. Trust me.
And guess what? The tables are turned. Since I had the Worlds Worst Third Trimester™ I got my tubes tied in the delivery room. I shall live this Twin Pregnancy vicariously through you!!
Please?
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at May 02, 2007 05:44 PM (GlAxw)
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Did I tell you my daughter has twins? They are wonderful, and yes, they are more work at first, but then they entertain each other, so it gets easier as time rolls on. Love seeing the pics, and look forward to seeing you with a huge belly!!
ongrats once again - and feel free to talk about them every day. It doesn't bother me!
Posted by: kenju at May 02, 2007 06:31 PM (DBvE5)
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Meanie-I'm going back to work. We cannot afford for me not to.
I hope this doesn't get me banned...again
If you change your mind you'll be able to afford to stay home. You may have to get a more affordable house and drive older cars, but it's doable.
I've been in the business world for 19 years and have seen many women change their mind after giving birth. Some planned to stay home, but they missed work and/or the baby drove them crazy; and some planned to keep working but then decided they missed their baby too much. I like the fact that women get 12 weeks off in America (not sure what it is in England), so all the dust can settle before they HAVE to make that decision. Some times you just don't know until the time comes.
I truly am very happy for you and hope this comes across as kindly as it's intended.
Posted by: Solomon at May 02, 2007 06:43 PM (x+GoF)
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Helen--Nice calm response to Meanie. I don't know what it is that makes people feel they know what is right for everyone.
You and Angus will together make the decisions that work for everyone--parents, siblings, and those Lovable Lemonheads!
I'm still smiling for you.
Posted by: sophiesophie at May 02, 2007 06:56 PM (1HOa8)
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I have to say, only "Yay!"
Posted by: Sigivald at May 02, 2007 08:08 PM (4JnZM)
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Sophiesophie,
Is it really bad to express a differing view? Is anything but support wrong? Helen is a smart person, but that doesn't mean she's considered every baby rearing angle there is. Meanie simply encouraged her to consider staying home, and I merely assured her she and Angus could get by if she chose to do so.
One way I like to figure out the right path is to figure out what I'd do if I was independently wealthy. Would I want the super-model Mrs. Solomon to stay home with our baby if money was no object? If the answer is 'yes', then I should try to figure out a way to make it happen even if we have to sacrifice; if the answer is 'no', I shouldn't.
Helen, if you'd rather I not post opposing views periodically, just let me know.
Posted by: Solomon at May 02, 2007 08:27 PM (x+GoF)
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But that's just it-we don't want to move. Our cars are already affordable (one's paid for, one's a company car). We are not going to move to a two bedroom house and make both Angus' kids sleep on a sofa couch when they visit (imagine how that would make them feel), as we would have to do in order to live in an affordable house in this part of the country. We have to be located in the South of England, which is also sadly the most expensive part of the country, because we have to be close to London for work, we have to be by Heathrow for Angus' kids, and it's more important than ever to be near Angus' family. We want this home and room for all.
My finances and our decision for me to go back to work isn't up for debate. There is no right or wrong here. This is only what is right for each couple. It might be right for some to stay home, and I support that. It might be right for some to go back to work, and I support that, too. For me, it's right to go back to work.
I don't mind differing views. I do mind if people patronize Sophie though, because she's an extremely nice person, and I don't want her offended.
I do resent the idea that "someone else is raising my kids". Someone else will watch my kids for 6 hours a day, hopefully for 3-4 days a week only. That is all. I am their mother. Angus is their father. We raise these kids.
And I'm dead firm on that.
Posted by: Helen at May 02, 2007 09:11 PM (CCyzl)
21
Damn. I hate that damn triple screen or quad screen or whatever it is that shows the down's risk. Several of the moms-to-be I've known have taken that, got the possible downs news, freaked OUT, had the ultrasound which could show it was an issue, and then found out the babies were fine. Admittedly, I've known ONE woman for whom the positive was really positive, but many, many more for whom it wasn't. I really don't know if the stress you go through because of it is worth it.
Posted by: Tracy at May 02, 2007 09:48 PM (5GOLr)
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I am so happy for you. May GOD be close to you and keep you and the babies safe. You will be in my prayers daily...Oh what will they be for Halloween??? You got time to make their costumes..
Posted by: Monica at May 03, 2007 01:07 AM (ymIlL)
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*sigh*
I'm still gloating.
And I'm not even the one who is experiencing the joy of pregnancy!!
I am so happy for you!!
Posted by: Mia at May 03, 2007 01:11 AM (8yLzc)
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Oh, this is such wonderful, happy, exciting, scary news, Helen!!! Don't you dare stop blogging all the details, all the time.
Posted by: Jocelyn at May 03, 2007 02:02 AM (2+m3k)
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My dear Helen.
Your flicker picture breaks my heart. I have absolute confidence in your (& Angus) ability to think things thru in regards to how to raise your family.
While people's opinions may vary, and no they do not have to agree with the path you choose, nor should everyone follow the same path, it does not give anyone the right to put judgement on what you decide. The fact that after so many "bad" things have happened to you, and so many failed cycles that someone would come on and belittle your decision to return to work after you have the lemonheads, it's just completely thoughtless and down right rude.
Have your opinion, and kindly state them, but then let that be it. Don't keep coming back and reiterating that your opinion is the "right way", obviously it's not for everyone. My sister'n law thought she'd dread returning to work after her baby, but it was actually a welcomed "break". Yet, another friend thought she'd want to go back to work after having her baby, but decide she would rather stay home. No one can make that decision for you, and no one else should. Stranger or family.
I'm sorry peoples judgements are swimming in your head, bringing you down when you should be enjoying the success of your treatment and the joy of having your own family growing. My thoughts are with you and the lemonheads.
***on another topic, I still have that package ready... I'm sorry I haven't sent it over, but now that I know the lemonheads are here I have to add a couple things. I swear I will send it soon. Maybe it will arrive at the perfect time :-)
Posted by: Angela at May 03, 2007 12:00 PM (DGWM7)
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I am so happy for you and Angus. I know your fears wholeheartedly. Infact, my son, born after 11 years of infertility just turned a year old. As much as I would love to be a stay at home mom, it's just not feasible for us and we don't have car payments either. I'd actually prefer to live in a nice area of town too. Just my preference.
He is in daycare and he loves it. He never cries when I drop him off and when I come to pick him up, he's ready to go.
Anyways, I'm going off on a tangent. I just wanted to say how happy I am for you. Try not to be too paranoid during your pregnancy. I was so scared that I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. I know it's easier said than done, but my that's my assvice for what it's worth.
Oh yeah, and take the nasal aspirator from the hospital, it's the best one to suck the snot out. Way better than any of the ones you can buy.
Posted by: Tif at May 03, 2007 02:28 PM (jCFyL)
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Dear Angela,
I heart you.
xxx
M in the P
Hey Helen, is "Mortimer" in the cards? Cos I really liked that name for Gorby but for Thing 1 or Thing 2, it would also be nice. Also, "Chlamydia" is really pretty if you can get past the whole STD thing. It's a pretty word. Chlamydia. And no one else would have that name in school. Individuality and melodic name! How much better could it get? "These are the twins, Mortimer and Chlamydia." I mean, that's just aces right there. :-)
(I think this is why I'm not allowed to name things.)
Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 03, 2007 02:57 PM (+p4Zf)
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Helen is a smart person, but that doesn't mean she's considered every baby rearing angle there is. Meanie simply encouraged her to consider staying home, and I merely assured her she and Angus could get by if she chose to do so.
Okay, look.
We are *commenters*. Helen is letting us peek a little TINY BIT into her life. That's it! It's ludicrous to assume that Helen and Angus haven't heard of the concept of one parent staying home before. Like Christians who seem to think maybe someone isn't a Christian because they "haven't heard the word" yet. OH BS. Anyone who can write a well-written blog like this one has obviously heard of Jesus AND the day care issue AND is well-read on most issues.
Also, although Helen and Angus *might* listen to advice from friends/family in person why in the WORLD would they listen to people they know only from the internet? Especially advice from someone who won't even stand behind their own convictions by identifying themselves?
This is the kind of thing that makes bloggers TIRED. I know, I've stopped blogging a couple of times now. Not so much from advice givers, but just the IDEA some commenters get that just because they read your blog they know alll about you.
That attitude is just annoying as fuck. So stop it. They know their options and it's really nobody else's business anyway.
The appropriate response to the news someone is expecting is, "Congratulations!" "We wish you great happiness and joy"...etc.
Posted by: The other Amber at May 03, 2007 03:43 PM (zQE5D)
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Congratulations again! I work, full time - 55-60 hours a week. My son stays in the care of a wonderful woman who gets to be his surrogate "mom" while I'm away. But, I can assure you, it is me he wants when he scrapes his knee. It is me he wants when he is sleepy. It is me he calls his best friend. He never asks for his daycare, he never prefers to go there.
No one else is raising my child, he just gets the benefit of someone else's knowledge during the day, and he gets me the rest. And he knows that that is the deal and he is ok with it - even at 4. Plus, my working means food on the table - that is always a plus.
You and Angus will do a fine job, I am quite positive. What a blessing you will have - do have! I am so happy for you both!
Posted by: oddybobo at May 03, 2007 07:30 PM (mZfwW)
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I'm honored that the Lemonheads name stuck, and that you've outed yourself for the glorious Helen you are.
Posted by: Donna at May 04, 2007 03:31 AM (lQSbL)
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Hey Stranger, congratulations. I just reacquainted myself with your blog. I haven't visited in quite awhile. I started reading again recently. This baby news is a big deal. I had commented maybe a year, year and a half ago about your need for a youngling, during a series of posts where you seemed to be freaking out about the bio clock and your qualifications to parent a child. I said that my wife and I where baron, fertility speaking. We adopted 3 children when I was 37 and she was 42. We have since adopted 4 more and I am 46 and she is 51 the children are 1, 2, 4, 5, 10, 11 and 13. My point being I suggested to you before that you dive in head first torpedoes be damned. Life is short. Twins wow. Tip #1. Set up a small fan by the changing table for fresh air exchange. Twins wow. I have 2 still crapping in they're pants. It's a real treat.You should be fine.
Posted by: Chris at May 04, 2007 12:37 PM (Z7ZqC)
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I am so late to the party. Yay! Babies.
Posted by: Some Girl at May 04, 2007 04:20 PM (RdoF/)
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I am REALLY late to the party but congratulations, mazeltov and WOOT times two. Have you considered a nanny at home while they are little? At that price point it could be cheaper and easier for all of you than packing two diaper bags, lugging the double stroller, etc, every work day. Then daycare later when it is easier?
Posted by: Mallory at May 05, 2007 02:50 PM (RpmXp)
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May 01, 2007
"I got the best news! Sally just came out."*
I look into the fridge again in hopes that it may yield something interesting. I don't know what I'm expecting to find, I only know that I want something. I've had a whole wheat English muffin, a bowl of yogurt and granola, and a handful of cheese crackers so God knows I shouldn't be hungry, but I am.
In Cancun I spent a lot of time with Angus' son Jeff. I also managed to get some quality time with Melissa, who spent her time perusing my dive book and nicking my magazines. One evening I had to help her work the shower. I ran the tap and waited for the warm water to kick in. She nosed through my makeup bag.
"Melissa," I said hesitantly. Hesitant not because she was in my makeup bag (it wouldn't have been the first time she'd been in there), but because I didn't really know how to say what I wanted to say. "I just want you to know that I love you and Jeff very much. I know I'm not your mother and I would never try to take her place, I don't mean any disrespect. I just wanted you to know that I do think of you as a daughter, and I mean that in a good way. You're also like my friend and my sister in some way, and I am not trying to dismiss you at all."
The shower water was dripping down my arm onto the bathmat. I shook my hand of the excess water and turned to her. Droplets continued to fall from my arm.
"Oh I know," she said, opening a tube of lip gloss to check the color. "I love you as much as I love my mother."
Wow.
"I would never, ever try to take her place," I reminded her. I mean that. I love the kid a lot, but I'm not her mother and never will be. Our relationship is some kind of mix, and it's very important to me."
"Me too," she replied calmly. "I love you, too."
It amazes me that kids can be so calm when I'm all over the place, worried that I will upset her, worried that I won't get things right. I've never been a mother. Being a stepmother is nowhere near the difficult task it is to be a mother. I may think unkind things about the kids' mother (and I do) but I would never, ever say them to the kids. Mothers should be infallible for as long as possible in a child's eyes.
And I have learnt that in many ways, when I am with the kids, I fill some kind of motherhood role. With Jeff I am the Sunscreen Applier, the Entertainer, the Please Will You Brush Your Teeth-er, and the Have You Taken Your Medicine-er? I love that I am these people to him.
The past holiday, I found I have slipped into a "Mother Lite" role more than I had realized. Kids stand outside the bathroom door when I'm trying to have a private moment on the can and ask me questions (which, when you have a screwed-up intestinal system like I do, it doesn't help). I am the one who simultaneously knows where the sunglasses, sunscreen, and snorkles are. I coordinate across Angus, Melissa and Jeff, and I never knew how rewarding a job it would be. I love Angus, and I love being a stepmother. They are impossible, frustrating, hilarious, energetic, annoying, and great fun. I think they're the best kids in the world and although biologically they're not mine I'll love them forever, genes be damned.
I always thought my pure purpose in life is to climb the corporate ladder and rule the world.
The truth is, if I know where the sunblock is, I'm pretty fucking happy, too.
Maybe life for me will be an intermediary, a Something-In-Between. I don't know where I will be or what I will do or how everything pans out. Suddenly, I don't need to.
I still can't find anything in the refrigerator, which frustrates me.
Some (most? all?) of you (mwah!) already know the details, and now it's time to let them all out here, too.
We've had a hard time lately, we've been on tenterhooks, everything has been uncertain. It has been a roller coaster, full of incredible highs and crashing lows. 2007 is one for the books. We had an incredible New Year's complete with a ring I still admire on a daily basis. I got out of a horrible project and got not one but two pretty cool projects to work on. Our test results on Monday came back normal, the last hurdle in the hurdle of hurdles.
Our last round of IVF worked.
I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and results on Monday from our CVS came back with the report that our worry baby is Down's free.
I am due on October 31st. Halloween. My favorite holiday.
And we are having twins.
-H.
*From the amazing Practical Magic.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
Congratulations on everything!
You know I loves ya. MWAH!
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 01, 2007 06:13 AM (r0kgl)
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i knew it!! i don't know why or how, but i've just known for awhile. congratulations darlin!! xoxoxo
Posted by: leah at May 01, 2007 06:17 AM (Msku8)
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You already are a wonderful mother. You're going to be a FANTASTIC mommy.
All my love,
Me
Posted by: jUST mE at May 01, 2007 06:46 AM (pOMkc)
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Congratulations!! That's great news. I'm a halloween baby as well.
Posted by: Elisa at May 01, 2007 07:58 AM (6/XCd)
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Yeah! Am so enjoying this adventure with you!!!! Thank you for sharing it all so eloquently!
Posted by: SuperSarah at May 01, 2007 08:34 AM (paC52)
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I've already said "Congratulations" but now that it's really official I'll say it louder "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" I'm so so happy for you all!
Posted by: Gill at May 01, 2007 08:47 AM (yTSfd)
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Congratulations! From all that I have read, you will make a wonderful mother.
Posted by: aboutthisboy at May 01, 2007 08:49 AM (sfxJm)
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Whoohoooooooooo! Go Helen, that's absolutely wonderful! Congratulations!
You are going to be the best mommy those twins could ever, ever have - after all, they'll never be sunburned.
Seriously, though. Congratulations. You so deserve this.
Posted by: Hannah at May 01, 2007 08:50 AM (lUH62)
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Coming out from the lurk-space to say congratulations! I've only been following you for a bit (though backstory-intrigued, I did a wee bit of reading up) and between your sass and sweet, I had a very warm moment at your news. Truly, I wish you all the very best with this new bit of adventure. And Angus too!
Posted by: Sauvage at May 01, 2007 08:57 AM (rG4u9)
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Holy crap! I had to read it again to make sure I was reading right and you slipped it in at the last moment! Im so happy for you Helen!
Congrats
Posted by: butterflies at May 01, 2007 09:48 AM (izFZd)
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That is absolutely the best news I've heard this year and congratulations is nowhere near a big enough word. But it will have to do.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Posted by: deeleea at May 01, 2007 10:28 AM (IphB3)
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Delurking to say congrats!
Posted by: Katy at May 01, 2007 10:32 AM (Ww0l+)
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Holy muppets, congratulations to you both! This is so exciting! Yay!
Posted by: Opal at May 01, 2007 11:14 AM (jdkxS)
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impossible, frustrating, hilarious, energetic, annoying, and great fun
Yep. That sums up kids pretty nicely. That's great that you're feeling comfortable in the step-mom role.
Halloween twins, eh? I don't know why, but I find that to be a perfectly normal progression of things. Somehow that just seems right.
Congratulations, you'll be great!!
Posted by: ~Easy at May 01, 2007 11:33 AM (vL8BC)
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Twins? Congratulations!! Pass that on to Angus as well. Yay! I don't even know what else to say but wow!. Two? Really? Think of all the later embarrassing twin outfits they could be... on halloween to say the least... two... boobs? apple & orange? balloons? That's going to be so fun!
Posted by: Angela at May 01, 2007 11:33 AM (DGWM7)
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CTG sent me over here so I could say 'congrats', too! A two-fer for Halloween...how wonderful!
Posted by: Mrs. Who at May 01, 2007 11:34 AM (9FXen)
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Congratulations!! I'm sure Oct 31st can't get here soon enough for you. Fortunately we get 9 months to prepare. I hope for you a perfect pregnancy and 2 perfect children.
Posted by: Solomon at May 01, 2007 12:06 PM (al5Ou)
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I am so, so, so excited for you!!! (I want to use the world's supply of exclamation points.)
Congratulations and best wishes.
Posted by: Marian at May 01, 2007 12:16 PM (ZD4nv)
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I've been quietly watching your journey for several years now and tears of joy for you both after reading this. I can't wait for the next phase in this wonderful trip of yours. You are such an inspiration to me. Hugs to you all, especially Gorby who will be a wonderful playmate and guard for the twins. *grins*
Sue
Posted by: Sue at May 01, 2007 12:30 PM (avSA+)
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Congratulations! I've been following your story for quite some time and I hoped this is what you were alluding to lately but I never dreamed it would be twins.
I can't believe I'm getting teary-eyed over a complete stranger, an entire ocean away.
Good luck! When those babies are old enough for American junk food - you just say the word and a box of Nabisco products can be on a plane.
Posted by: paula at May 01, 2007 12:41 PM (FlZPw)
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Congratultions!!! So happy for you, Helen!
Posted by: Kimberly at May 01, 2007 12:44 PM (v57BG)
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How flippin' exciting! Take care of you. Enjoy every minute of this growing experience... Did I already say how exciting?!
Posted by: amelia at May 01, 2007 12:47 PM (tZQUq)
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I knew it! Something you said last week made me think maybe, but I didn't want to jinx it by thinking too hard ;-)
CONGRATULATIONS!
And congrats on the relationship with Melissa and Jeff. Being a step-mother can be both the most frustrating and rewarding part of life.
Posted by: Tracy at May 01, 2007 12:50 PM (bw/tC)
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 01, 2007 12:57 PM (tie24)
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Awesome!! Congratulations!
Posted by: Donna at May 01, 2007 12:57 PM (rdir6)
Posted by: Lindsay at May 01, 2007 01:01 PM (mHNC3)
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I'm doing the Happy Dance for you right now!
WooHoo! Congrats to y'all!
Posted by: amber at May 01, 2007 01:04 PM (HCbA1)
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I am so happy it's not a secret any more! You have no idea how bad I am at keeping them. This was the longest "secret" I've kept in a sense.
I am so happy for you guys - for the beebs, for the test results, and, most of all, for the fact that Melissa and Jeff are opening up their arms to you.
Posted by: Michele at May 01, 2007 01:15 PM (fcaMV)
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Wonderful!!! My first son was born November 1st. I was bummed he wasn't a Halloween kid. Happy tears from Cleveland, Ohio.
Jilly
Posted by: Jilly at May 01, 2007 01:16 PM (vy163)
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I am so incredibly happy for you.
Posted by: Kathy at May 01, 2007 01:22 PM (Uo7Mt)
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I hope no-one catches me crying because I'll never be able to explain it. I said I only hang around here to see if you get your happy ending and maybe this year you do. I'm so pleased for both of you.
Posted by: Caroline M at May 01, 2007 01:49 PM (x3QDi)
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I don't have sufficient words, really. Wonderful, just...wonderful. And so thrilled and relieved to hear the great test results.
Posted by: karmajenn at May 01, 2007 01:59 PM (OUTBp)
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There was an arm pump and a "Yes!!".
Congratulations!
jayne (formerly know as sasoozie)
Posted by: Jayne at May 01, 2007 02:02 PM (q5uvl)
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I just got goosebumps. I'm so happy for you - ALL of you. I can think of no one who deserves all the happiness in the world as much as you. Lots of love coming your way...
Posted by: sue at May 01, 2007 02:05 PM (WbfZD)
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I am still so geeked that you are having twins-I can't even fully wrap my mind around it yet!
And don't discount how hard it is to be a step-mom, and what a brilliant step-mom you are!
Posted by: Teresa at May 01, 2007 02:26 PM (cgjAR)
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Congratulations!!!!!!! Happy tears are falling for you all...
Posted by: pam at May 01, 2007 02:37 PM (l6NIn)
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OMG! This is soooo awesome! Congratulations! I hvae goose bumps and a cheesy grin! Yay! Twins!
Posted by: Steff at May 01, 2007 02:37 PM (fIFtd)
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Wow, that is so fantastically amazing! I don't know that I can add anything to the comments above; I mean, arm pumping, jumping up and down, clapping, and cheering are all happening here. Congratulations.
Posted by: Amanda at May 01, 2007 02:41 PM (B5c+c)
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CONGRATULATIONS! I couldn't be happier for you both. Best of luck during your pregnancy...I definitely look forward to updates!
Posted by: Sarah B. at May 01, 2007 02:52 PM (gQF4g)
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oh-so-glad about the down's news helen. what a relief for you all! congrats.
Posted by: becky at May 01, 2007 02:55 PM (fwRVv)
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Fantastic news! Many, many congratulations and wishes for a safe, easy pregnancy and delivery. After all you've been through, you've never given up, and neither have we. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you for the next six months.
Happy May Day,
LD
Posted by: lynD at May 01, 2007 03:11 PM (2F9Ak)
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YAY!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! So happy in fact, that I'm de-lurking just for you!
...and thanks for sharing the photos!! Love them!!
San Diego girl out,
C
Posted by: Christina at May 01, 2007 03:40 PM (axrWz)
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I've said it before but I'll say it again - CONGRATULATIONS! I am so flingin' flangin' happy for you all!
Posted by: donna at May 01, 2007 03:40 PM (0VoEe)
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i continue to be so happy for you
However, the real suprise came in the title, i knew exactly what you meant by the title and can't believe anyone else even knows, let alone likes the film, as much as me!!
abs x
ps you are not a witch - well, in a bad way anyway!
Posted by: abs at May 01, 2007 04:03 PM (pejJ8)
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I KNEW IT! I am soo happy for your darlin...Congrats to You, Angus, Jeff and Melissa.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 01, 2007 04:26 PM (a7p6H)
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All the best in the world to you and your family!
big hug!!
Posted by: missk at May 01, 2007 04:48 PM (EM7ls)
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I have CHILLS all over. I am thrilled. I had hoped that this was why your postings had been up and down and erratic.
Somehow I just knew...
Delurking to tell you CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Heather at May 01, 2007 04:54 PM (eRsMQ)
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I know that I sent a kind of rambling condolence letter when you had your troubles last year, partly because the topic still struck a nerve within me. I do remember one thing that I said, though: "You're already a mother. You just don't have a child yet." And now that part is about to be corrected.
Helen, I'm unbelievably happy for you. It's absolutely fabulous news. And then you added this little bit:
"And we are having twins."
Yippee! And not it's time to get on board the diaper changing express. Your clothes will develop stains that you'll ignore, you'll start to carry odors -not yours- with you wherever you go and you won't sleep much for, well, I'm up to 4-1/2 years and still getting enough. And you'll love every minute of it.
Again, I'm so happy for you. And I just remembered your Ghost of Christmas posts from a couple of years ago, where you saw the future and a "girl who looks like me(you)" comes home for the holidays.
One final thought: I've been suspicious for about a month that you might be in the family way. Call it a hunch, or call it having learned to read between the lines of your moods these last few years. And I've noticed that you've been pretty damned happy. For good reason, too.
I lied: one more thought popped into my thimble-sized brain. It would give me great pleasure if you posted some baby items into your wish list so that we can throw you a virtual baby shower.
Take care, Helen. I'm sending you a virtual high five and a hug.
Posted by: physics geek at May 01, 2007 04:57 PM (MT22W)
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Oh holy shit, oh holy shit, oh holy shit! I got the chills just reading that!
Congradulations you (and of course Angus)! That's fantastic news....
And now I'm crying, I don't even know you and I'm crying because it happend to a person who deserves this gift the most! After everything you've been through...and see, you thought that having less stress in your life was going to hard to deal with...I think it might have been the perfect prescription for a wonderful ending to infertility!
Well done you!
Posted by: Heidi at May 01, 2007 06:05 PM (mMauV)
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congratulations & best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy. You'll make a fantastic mother non-lite.
Posted by: cursingmama at May 01, 2007 06:19 PM (PoQfr)
Posted by: Suz at May 01, 2007 06:25 PM (oM6s/)
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I have chills, and I am tearing up at the thought. My birthday is Oct. 30th, and I'd LOVE you to have them then....LOL.Congratulations, best wishes and love to you both.
"Mother Lite" - I like it! I am a grandmother lite to 3 boys. That's a great title.
Posted by: kenju at May 01, 2007 06:30 PM (DBvE5)
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What marvelous news! Best wishes to you and your ever-expanding family!
Posted by: Omnibus Driver at May 01, 2007 06:50 PM (WOXRM)
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OMG!OMG!OMG!
Hearty congratulations to you and Angus. I wish you all the best!
Posted by: Lisa at May 01, 2007 06:56 PM (XDX6G)
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Coming out of lurk mode to say
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Kali at May 01, 2007 07:19 PM (r6ffN)
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Congratulations and Best wishes, Helen
Posted by: kimmykins13 at May 01, 2007 07:52 PM (HUKlZ)
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That's terriffic. Congrats, and good luck on a healthy pregnancy.
Posted by: Brad at May 01, 2007 07:56 PM (ZVK95)
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I'm hoping they hold out for Halloween. One of my favorite holidays, and the day I got married.
All the best to you and yours.
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at May 01, 2007 08:33 PM (+MvHD)
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I am so incredibly happy for you! I am looking forward to hearing about all your future joys!
Posted by: sophie at May 01, 2007 08:59 PM (1HOa8)
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OH
MY
GOD!
Helen, I am SO very happy for you! TWINS!
OH MY GOD! *bursting with happiness*
*****CONGRATULATIONS***** Helen and Angus!!!
Posted by: The other Amber at May 01, 2007 09:29 PM (zQE5D)
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OMG!!! I'm so very happy for you and Angus!!!! TWINS!!!! Eeeek (with joy)!!!
And how cool would it be to have your birthday on Halloween???!!!
Congrats - YOU DESERVE IT!
Posted by: Lorri at May 01, 2007 11:26 PM (Lfkis)
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Wahooo!! ~breaks out streamers and annoying noisy things!~
I'm so happy for you two... four!
:-D
Posted by: Tommy at May 01, 2007 11:55 PM (6CCYI)
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Hey, awesome! Congratulations!
Posted by: Malnurtured Snay at May 02, 2007 01:13 AM (vgd3Z)
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Congratulations! I have enjoyed reading your blog over the last couple of years and I wish you and Angus and the twins all the love and happiness in the world.
Posted by: Stella at May 02, 2007 01:33 AM (EeWW8)
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*mwah* *mwah*
Yanno. Doubling up. ;-)
Posted by: Jennifer at May 02, 2007 01:42 AM (RlFqM)
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Congratulations. All the very best.
Posted by: Priya at May 02, 2007 07:33 AM (yHOuc)
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Lucky babies, to have such cool parents. Congratulations!!!
Posted by: maolcolm at May 02, 2007 09:11 AM (mILKV)
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Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news!! I am so very happy for you both!! :-)
Posted by: Richmond at May 02, 2007 01:45 PM (e8QFP)
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Oh My Gosh, I miss reading for a day and this is what happens? Helen, I'm in tears. I'm so very happy for you and Angus. I can just tell that you will be a wonderful Mommy. My best wishes and constant prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy.
Hugs, Terry
Posted by: Terry at May 02, 2007 09:17 PM (A5s0y)
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Oh Helen!!!!!!!!!!
Angus!!!!!!
OH MY GOD!
Congratulations from the depths of my heart and soul!!!
I am thrilled for you!!!
Posted by: Mia at May 03, 2007 01:02 AM (8yLzc)
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CONGRATS!
*returns to lurking*
Posted by: Angela at May 03, 2007 05:16 PM (AGsXU)
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Those two little peanuts are truly blessed to be getting a family like yours.
*hugs*
Posted by: Amanda at May 03, 2007 09:14 PM (1T/lk)
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That is amazing news! Congratulations!!
Posted by: felicity at May 03, 2007 10:59 PM (w8WJH)
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Holy. shit.
Oh, congratulations, congratulations, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
XOXOXO
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 04, 2007 03:17 AM (dGluG)
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congratulations! hope it continues to go well for you all
i remember you saying ages ago that half of your retrieved eggs would be donated, do you know if any other women have had good news as a result of that?
Posted by: jade at May 04, 2007 08:48 AM (y8GsZ)
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I have been reading your blog for a long time, Helen, and I am coming out of lurk-dom to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! This post made me SO happy. I know you will be a wonderful Mama to those two little ones. I'm just so excited for you. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down, either. You know what's best for your family. :-)
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 04, 2007 07:37 PM (cjilp)
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April 30, 2007
Whipping Me
English gardening is renowned. Seriously. Not only do they have the big gardens, like Kew Gardens, but they have 100,000 gardening shows with the likes of
that guy with the name and
her who never wears a bra (and I'm not a prude or anything, but DAMN. Consider strapping those puppies, babe, or you're going to put someone's eye out someday).
I even have the name guy's book, and while it's good he's a little fussy for me, even. He's like the Martha Stewart of gardening, when I'm still at the level of trying to figure out the Hungry Man frozen dinner gardening equivalent. I'm a true beginner. Even using the latin names whips me and makes my eyes glaze over.
But we have been getting a lot done. After the weekend known as "Slash and Burn" weekend:
Where we cut back huge bushes (the whole place was overgrown), ripped out sections of overgrowth, and above all weeded:
We've felt better about the place.
Not like it's done or anything.
A garden this size is NEVER done.
So a lot's been happening in my life, and I decided the area where I wanted to unleash my aggression was on my number one enemy...the pond.
When we first viewed the house the pond was a selling point for me. I have always wanted a pond, complete with irises, little fishies, and a duck (a duck proved too much for Angus, we had a fierce argument about it and the duck idea was abandoned.) So when I found out that this house came with a pond, it was huge. Angus was ambivalent, but me? I'd found nirvana.
Until I actually OWNED the pond, of course.
And can I just say...do you know how much fucking work is involved with a goddamn pond?
It was a nightmare. Mumin - the ultimate hunter - was bringing mice in by the handful. Turns out that the former owner's gentleman caller friend would feed families of field mice on the floating lily pads of the pond. Very cute and Wind in the Willows, but add a cat to the equation and it was rodenticide. The families of field mice didn't last long, even though we tried to stop her. When the mice ran out, she moved on to decimating the pond frog population (and I did learn from the helpful comments that praising her for catching animals was the way to get her to not kill them. Thanks for that advice - now we get presented with them alive, so they have a chance to live. Still, it squicks me out.)
One month after moving in the pond had 100,000,000 tadpoles brewing on the top of it. A neighbor helpfully told me that you have to go in there and do a little "weeding out" of the frog population, so I had to murder about half of the little tadpoles. I still feel guilty today, and worry that the frogs continue to hold it against me. In my next life I'm going before a tribunal for my crimes against amphibians, I just know it. Kermit judges me. I feel his anger.
The pond got covered with pond scum, which needed sweeping out and which smelled like something died (nothing did, apart from the Mumin presents.) You had to constantly cut back the overgrowth, something we weren't always good at:
Not like you can make it out, but the pond is to the right in the picture. It's the huge growth of irises, you can't actually make out the water.
And we had to keep the pond covered with mesh netting, as rumor had it there was a neighborhood heron that likes to have a little sushi for lunch.
But this year I'd had enough. The pond was going. True, it did have fish in it-at last count, we thought there were about 10 or so. We were going to give the fish to Angus' brother, who is installing his own pond (HA! Sucker!) and would take our fishies. I uncovered the pond because I hadn't seen a heron around.
I am now going to be tried for crimes against amphibians and aquatic vertebrates, because guess what? Yeah, um, there is a heron. And he had a whole lot of sashimi from our pond. We came back after a weekend away and found that we had no fish.
So we started to drain that which I call That Fucking Pond.
And wouldn't you know it, we did have 4 fish left.
The 4 fish were rescued in a bucket, along with a few water newts. We were going to give them to Angus' brother (who is in Namibia) but hadn't been able to do it yet.
The fish didn't last long in the bucket.
Despite my best efforts at feeding and giving them fresh air, the bucket became known (in Angus' terms) as the Departure Lounge.
I do feel really guilty about both the heron and the Departure Lounge.
Now down 4 fish and several water newts, there was nothing holding us back. I attacked the pond yesterday with Carrie-like ferocity. I ensured that all wildlife (except for frogs, which I knew would move on, and water snails which, seriously, are on their own) and then stripped out the rubber liner. I was ready to fill that pond in...until wouldn't you know it. The batshit lady who used to own the place had filled the inside of the pond with carpet and newspaper.
Carpet.
CARPET.
This woman loved carpet. She had carpet on everything, including the bathroom floor. I'm surprised ceilings weren't carpeted. She has instilled in me a hatred for carpet that is nearly pathological, and the only remaining rooms in the house that still has carpet are the hallway and living room, but only because both are getting torn to bits in the coming extension so it made no sense to address it now. We chucked out every other room of carpet and took the floors back to the original floorboards. If I never see carpet again, it will be too soon. Hell (for me) must be covered in shag pile.
This made the job 100,000 times worse, as not only did I have to get the liner out, I had to try to get the carpet out otherwise I'd be handling really foul, awful carpet as well. And while the pond water looked clean, lemme tell you-what was left after the water was pumped out smelled like sewage.
I went into a fury.
Angus came to help me, even though I'd been getting lots of help (to the right of the sleeping dog is some of that bloody carpet):
Together we tried to get as much carpet out of the pond as we could. We got about half of it, then the structural integrity of the liner gave way, and the pond drained.
I have never in my life - despite all the housework I've done, no matter the rebuilding jobs I've been a part of - been through a more foul task in my life. I asked Angus if this was the worst house job he'd ever been through and he admitted that some of the sewer work he's done on homes has been worse. I can see that. Just.
So all that's left is a few inches of mud, the liner, some roots, and some funky carpet. We're going to let the mud dry out - it's not even May yet and already we know we're headed for a drought again this year, it's been the hottest April in English history and it looks like that'll keep going. The mud will sort itself out and then the liner, the carpet and more will be taken to the tip.
We're not sure what we'll do with that space now-there's more work to do, it has to be filled in and the paving stones removed and those aggressive hedges behind it ripped out. We'll either just grass it over for more lawn or make a small benched reading area or something.
I've since had 2 showers since getting rid of the pond, and we rewarded ourselves with a triumph over my other nemesis, the stinging nettle. I carefully picked a load of them (and still got stung anyway, despite the gloves), washed and boiled them, and then made nettle soup. I know it sounds awful, and very crunchy granola, but it was the best soup I've ever had in my life.
And the pond is gone.
It was hell.
It was worth it.
Dontcha' just long for relaxing country living?
-H.
PS-yes, that last post really was from Angus, who is the one who fixed my sidebars and thus the loading, she is better. And yes-I really did pay up. Of course.
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1
You gotta wonder about someone would inflict carpeting on a natural ecosystem. Ugh! I can't even begin to imagine what that smelled like!
Posted by: maolcolm at April 30, 2007 09:59 AM (lhrvk)
2
A pond was a temptation that I'm glad I resisted. Our back yard is enough work as it is!
Posted by: ~Easy at April 30, 2007 10:55 AM (vL8BC)
3
"Departure Lounge"? I like his sense of humor!
Can't we praise her for recycling the old carpet?She probably thought NO one would ever see it!
Posted by: kenju at April 30, 2007 12:39 PM (DBvE5)
4
Will installing central air be next on the project list? Do they even have that over there?
Posted by: Teri at April 30, 2007 12:42 PM (K7jOL)
5
And I thought I had a busy weekend because I washed all the laundry in the house, lol.
Posted by: Lindsay at April 30, 2007 01:00 PM (mHNC3)
6
Something unexpectedly tasty? Stinging nettle risotto.
Posted by: miss havisham at April 30, 2007 01:40 PM (QAcXg)
7
Carpet in a pond? That is just gross. Don't feel bad about the fish and heron though-circle of life and all that.
Posted by: Teresa at April 30, 2007 02:29 PM (jj+BF)
8
Hmm. I used to think I might want a pond some day, but you've definitely changed my mind!
Posted by: geeky at April 30, 2007 02:29 PM (ziVl9)
9
Umm, wow. Seriously having trouble with that one. Carpet. In a pond. Outside? Now that is extra special! Up until now I thought a pond would be kind of cool, mostly for frolicking dogs, but now it just sounds "ew".
Posted by: Erin at April 30, 2007 04:28 PM (HQy7k)
10
What a posh pond you had ... carpet and all!
The pond idea worked it's way into our heads years ago. Was much more of a headache than either of us anticipated. Pond was filled in last summer - replaced with a patch of dirt in the shape of a pond. Heh.
I am most impressed with your deconstruction of the pond. I can't wait to see what you figure out to do with the space.
Posted by: Michele at April 30, 2007 04:36 PM (fcaMV)
11
Dammit! I wanted to do a post about how Charlie and Mr. Tittymarsh get it on behind the shed when no one is looking (wearing a bra would get get in the way). I was distracted and started thinking pure thoughts ... damn.
But, yeah, totally don't understand why she wouldn't want to hoist those puppies up in a nice bra while making over someone's backyard. It is entertaining watching to see if they are going to poke out of her shirt as she works though.
Posted by: Michele at April 30, 2007 04:40 PM (fcaMV)
12
I'm with you on wall-to-wall carpets; filthy nasty, horrible invention, that. We're having ours ripped out next month and replaced with hardwood floor. Thank god; I've missed my hardwood floors so much.
Posted by: The other Amber at April 30, 2007 05:07 PM (zQE5D)
13
I praise you for all the hard work. Now I think my dreams of a pond have just been crushed. Thank goodness. I don't think I have the stamina to go through all that.
Carpet? Really odd...
Posted by: sue at April 30, 2007 07:01 PM (WbfZD)
14
I think that the phrase "carpet in a pond" is going to enter my lexicon of WTF. Along with, "Is that a cow?" but that's another story.
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 01, 2007 01:39 AM (tie24)
15
I'm not sure what is more disgusting...Carpet in a pond or a 40-something that doesn't wear a bra....the image that comes to my mind is nipples at kneecaps GROSS!
Posted by: Heidi at May 01, 2007 05:27 AM (IO4wY)
16
Kenju-fair point, I do want to give her credit. But still...CARPET.
Miss Havisham-a friend told me about nettle risotto last night, and it's definitely on the plan for the week. I have a new "I eat garden weeds" addiction!
Posted by: Helen at May 01, 2007 06:17 AM (CCyzl)
17
There is a reason for the carpet (if it's under the liner, if it's on the wet side of the liner then she was weird). When you make your pond you put the carpet or cardboard in the hole before putting the liner in to protect it from any sharp stones that might be there. You can buy "pond liner underlay" but she obviously had some carpet to spare.
I also have squillions of tadpoles but I didn't thin mine, just think of it as evolution in action.
Posted by: Caroline M at May 01, 2007 01:44 PM (x3QDi)
18
Ok, so I have to come to the defense of the old batshit pond lady. I have a pond and as long as you have a good filter and pond was built correctly in the first place, it's really not that much work. I just rinse off the filter pads once every couple of weeks and feed the fish.
The one time a year it's a pain in the ass is when I have to repot my waterlilies. Just kill me now.
And carpet? Seriously, it's one of the most common, inexpensive, sturdy, long-lasting underlayments for flexible liner ponds. It not only prevents roots from growing through your liner and causing leaks, but if for some reason you dropped a rock or a brick into the pond the cushion underneath keeps you from poking a hole from the inside too. Besides, you were never supposed to see the carpet under the pond.
Posted by: emily at May 01, 2007 01:47 PM (f37z7)
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April 28, 2007
Angus says:
It was well worth walking the dog for!
Angus.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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Posted by: justme at April 28, 2007 12:22 PM (4L54J)
2
Think my dog needs a walk too.
Posted by: diamond dave at April 28, 2007 01:26 PM (VXEan)
Posted by: Teresa at April 28, 2007 02:16 PM (w5Vd8)
4
...and we're supposed to be surprised at this? ...
Posted by: sue at April 28, 2007 02:20 PM (vBKqN)
5
Whoa, dude. And also: BWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!
Posted by: Amarah and Samy at April 29, 2007 12:07 AM (6SFhG)
6
Poor innocent Gorby, trapped in the middle of your sexual games. For shame!
Posted by: Lindsay at April 29, 2007 11:48 AM (9ue5a)
7
*snorrrrrrrrrrrrt*
Good one, H!
Posted by: Margi at April 30, 2007 12:00 AM (lCOvF)
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April 27, 2007
Bartering
"I dreamt that we were at a water park and one of the slides we went down went at 4G!"
"That's impossible, Helen. You can't have a downward force of 4G."
"You can in my water park."
My cow clock goes off.
"I love that clock," he says sarcastically.
"I know! I love it too!" I squeal.
We lay there, cuddling.
"I'll give you a blow job if you'll walk the dog this morning."
"OK. When?"
"After my visit to my mental health professional."
"Deal!"
Never let it be said that I'm not willing to pay for my services.
-H.
PS-My website is slow to load because my sidebar is screwed up, but I'm hopeless at this kind of thing and can't figure out how to fix it. Also, I'm sorry for the lack of posting/abbreviated posting. There's a whole lot going on in our house, which I'll explain on Monday or Tuesday. Until then, thanks for being here.
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1
Dude, this conversation totally could have happened at our house. I'm telling you, those things are worth more than gold.
Last weekend my husband bribed me with a trip to the bookstore. I'm so cheap. Of course, now everytime I read The Count of Monte Cristo, I'm thinking about how I "earned" that book, lol.
Posted by: Lindsay at April 27, 2007 12:58 PM (mHNC3)
2
Behold the power of the blow job!
Posted by: Teresa at April 27, 2007 02:36 PM (BJJyp)
3
It is nice to know you've learned the secret way to a man's heart... err... or something.
We'll be waiting for explainations next week.
btw: things loaded much faster today, for me at least.
Posted by: sue at April 27, 2007 02:57 PM (WbfZD)
4
I think I am going to have to start using blow jobs as leverage when it comes to household chores! Why didn't I think of this earlier?! Starting a list in my head of all of the things that he doesn't do that I wished he did.
*hug* Because, well, Monday is just too friggen far away sometimes.
This loaded up much much faster today.
Posted by: Michele at April 27, 2007 03:13 PM (fcaMV)
5
I'm always here. I love to see what's going on and how you are doing.
I used a blowjob as leverage the other day. I didn't feel like driving him home, so I asked "If I blow you, will you walk home?" and of course he didn't say no.
Posted by: Theresa at April 27, 2007 06:52 PM (x1Vbp)
Posted by: kenju at April 27, 2007 07:54 PM (DBvE5)
7
Knowing your strengths is a good thing in the process of negotiation.
I love the photo, but I'm not a flicker*er so I can't comment there. I wish you could see the beauty that you truly are.
Posted by: sophie at April 27, 2007 11:10 PM (1HOa8)
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April 25, 2007
Jump
There are a lot of times I wish I could reach out to you and tell you that I just believe. I just believe. I don't know why, and I can't explain how, but I believe in you. You've been through so much, and there is so far still to go, and yet here you are. You persevere. You show me that you're so much stronger than I worry you are, all in the space of a second, in a flicker, in a moment.
I've never been a leap of faith kind of girl. Gods waved goodbye to me as we went our seperate ways. I can't believe in something I've never seen, I can't accept a concept as my mantra. Things have to be seen to be believed. This is the way of the world, of my world, of the way things have to be.
And now I need to just believe.
And I will do this, this just believing, because the alternative to not believing is unpalatable. Because you are so important to me that you nearly own me. Because if you think I just not believe, then maybe you will go, and in going you will destroy me.
I remember a Winne-the-Pooh still from a long time ago. It had the pudding shaped Pooh walking hand-in-hand with the little Piglet. Their backs were to me, and their profiles were speaking.
"I'll believe in you if you'll believe in me," Pooh is saying to Piglet.
That sounds like a fair trade to me.
I believe. You believed in me. I won't let you down.
Don't let me down, either.
I love you with everything I know how to love.
You can go anywhere you'd like, you can be anything you want...as long as you'll be mine.
-H.
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April 24, 2007
Helping Hand or Helping Push
The
Alamo thing has, apparently, really affected me.
I'm not a very Bolshy person. It comes and goes with me in terms of standing up for myself. Sometimes I do it, more often than not I don't. I don't like to raise my voice to people I don't know and - this is the worst part - I don't like people to hear my American accent, not because I'm ashamed or anything, but I figure they'll simply dismiss my complaint and chalk me up to being "an American" instead of listening to me (and yes, this has happened to me).
But since coming completely unglued at the rental car counter I'm suddenly a lot less tolerant of people being assholes around me. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe it'll pass, but right now I call people on their shit and that's completely out of character for me.
Angus, he's a guy that will make a fuss. So will my stepmother. Both of them have had real bust-ups with managers of grocery stores, Angus over his views on the unjust cost of limes and English cheddar, my stepmother over a bad melon. They do not have a single problem with complaining about bad service or bad products - in their views, they have paid for a product or service and dammit, it better be good.
Me, I cringe. I don't really ever complain to staff or management about things because I'm not much of a "rocking the waves" kind of girl. I have eaten not great meals and never said a word. I have been left waiting in queue longer than Paris Hilton's list of one night blow jobs. People cut in front of me and I don't say anything, people are stupid and I don't let off.
Until now.
Maybe something's come unglued in me.
I've made no secret about the fact that commuting is one of my greatest stresses. The train station (which is now empty of Travellers, as they've moved on to a football pitch nearby) is one of my fiercest foes. My ulcer goes off nearly every single time I take that fucking train, and it never gets any better.
Add on to the fact that I'm suddenly dealing with a great deal of stress in another area of my life (more on that later), and I'm a ticking device ready to burst.
This whole week was set to be a London week (luckily today has become a working from home day). After months of very few London days, suddenly my project schedule is getting very busy-I have three projects now at work (two of them very interesting), and they're not stressful but will keep me busy. This week kicks it all off, and sadly Thursday and Friday I have meetings in Upper Buttfuck (proving that you can't have everything and sometimes that includes trips to the one place in the country that I truly hate). So the train station and I are going to be very, very close for the next several weeks.
I made it to the train station very early yesterday morning, as I had a number of calls I needed to make in private and quiet before my meetings started. I got to the station and just missed the train I wanted, but I knew another one was coming in 5 minutes, so I wasn't too stressed...yet.
The ticket queue was torture though, as everyone wanted to buy monthly tickets, a complicated procedure involving forms, photos, and all kinds of hassle, and which nearly every time makes me want to scream "Why can't you handle these transactions AFTER peak travel time?" I went to the queue for the ticket machines instead. The machines were acting up, dicking around, rejecting cards at random. Mine was such a card. By the time it accepted my card, the train was pulling up. And again, if you get on the train without a ticket you get a penalty fine, even though the Network Rail website says that you should never have to unreasonably wait to get a ticket to board a train, proving that Network Rail really are a bunch of bureaucratic cunts who get off on messing with commuters minds and wallets.
I ran for the train, tickets in hand and receipt still printing in the machine.
As I boarded the stairs (because naturally the train I needed was on the opposite platform to the ticket office), I passed a party of four old age pensioners taking an overnight trip to London (I know this as one of them felt the need to tell the ticket agent about said trip, and the details of the trip, and how fun the trip was, thus delaying the ticket queue even more. This isn't even including the fact that all the seniors had asked the one senior to purchase everyone's tickets, and made a real song and dance about dividing up the bill and who owes who money but do you have change for £20?) The seniors were slightly blocking the entrance of the stairs.
That, I could have dealt with.
I could even have dealt with the elderly group taking up time at the ticket window (despite a huge line of people waiting for tickets).
What I couldn't deal with was one woman in the group.
As several business suited men and I sprinted like hell for the train, she chanted in a sing-song childhood playground taunting kind of voice "You're never going to make it! You're never going to make it! You're never going to make it!"
Sure enough, we didn't make it. As we made it to the top of the stairs leading to the train's platform, the train pulled away from the platform, leaving 6 of us who were within site of the doors but the train conductor wouldn't wait for us, on the platform.
And I could still hear the old woman chanting. The men who missed the train with me shook their head in disgust. One man swore. The woman's taunts reached me from the other side of the platform.
And a blood vessel in my head burst right open like a very ripe peach.
I was fuming. Absolutely fuming. (I hated her sooo much, it, it the, it, flame, flames, FLAMES on the side of my face, breathing, breathle...heaving breaths, heaving....) My stress levels-both about the train and about other things-were threatening to take over my vision. I walked up the stairs and over to the woman. I couldn't believe what I did next.
"Do you think that's very helpful, to stand there and make stupid comments like that?" I demanded angrily to her.
I couldn't believe I had said something like that.
I NEVER talk like that outside of the safety of my own brain.
The old woman looked startled. "I was just talking, I wasn't really thinking about you."
"No, clearly you weren't." I replied angrily. I walked back to the ticket office to get the receipt I'd left behind for my tickets. When I passed the old woman again she had a packet of mints in her hand.
"Well," she said snippily, popping a mint into her mouth, "looks like your day got off to a bad start."
I looked at her. "PISS OFF!" I snarled.
An elderly gentleman in the group shouted after me. "What did you say, young lady?"
And I made myself walk up the platform away from the group. I knew if I turned around to talk to the group there was a chance I could take the old gent and actually physically get into it with him, which I would ordinarily never do as I'm a serious pacifist. With the exception of the Alamo counter I can't remember being that angry in so long.
I caught another train twenty minutes later, which naturally got delayed and kept me waiting outside of Waterloo for 10 minutes. And I couldn't calm down. I recognize that I should have just shrugged her off as being a busybody who couldn't help herself, but I had had enough. It's possible I was taking my own stresses out on her, it's possible she meant no harm, she'd just disconnected that whole "brain-mouth" connection. But in that moment I felt that not thinking about others wasn't acceptable. Got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Instead of helping her across the road, at that moment I was tempted to push her in front of traffic.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
You know, it seems to me that the Universe has been fucking with Helen for a long time. I see no reason for Helen not to start fucking with the Universe.
You go, baby!
Posted by: ~Easy at April 24, 2007 11:26 AM (G5FSP)
2
I think you showed a lot of restraint. I would have said a lot worse-somewhere along the way a few years back I decided if the world was sometimes going to push me, I was going to push back.
I need to wipe a tear from my eye. I am so proud of you Helen....
;-)
Posted by: Teresa at April 24, 2007 12:20 PM (QNeTR)
3
I say good for you, damn it! No one need stand and take that crap from anyone, let alone some random stranger.
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at April 24, 2007 12:30 PM (ceOV5)
4
"You're never going to make it"?
Did she think she was being
civilized?
Posted by: B. Durbin at April 24, 2007 12:57 PM (tie24)
5
Our baby is all growsed up! Way to go, Helen!!
Hey, I think your superhero powers are finally coming in. Except it's looking like you're developing along the Nikki/Jessica rage route more than you are the regenerating cheerleader direction. I don't suppose you're having any unexplained blackouts are you?
Posted by: lindsay at April 24, 2007 01:12 PM (mHNC3)
6
First of all, love the Clue movie! Love it!
Second, I think sometimes you just have to do something to combat all the jackassery in the world. Chances are, that woman will not change her behavior but she'll also never forget the day some whippersnapper told her to piss off!
Posted by: donna at April 24, 2007 01:25 PM (0VoEe)
7
Gosh, and I thought unthinking fuckwittery was strictly an Americanism. ;-)
::waves from California::
Ach, seriously, I think that tactless biddies _should_ be called out when they misbehave. Just because it's been a hundred years since she had to work, if she ever worked to begin with...
sorry, I'm projecting my own frustration agan.
I'm sure that you've been thinking of other ways that you might have handled the situation, but I think you did just fine. You _didn't_ harm anyone, you _didn't_ pursue the issue beyond the moment of impact, and you reacted in an entirely understandable and reasonable manner.
Just because they're elderly, doesn't mean they get to behave outside the bounds of common courtesy.
best,
L
Posted by: LynD at April 24, 2007 02:26 PM (2F9Ak)
8
Iron fist, baby, just don't go bursting into flames, it's not good for your hair. You know? I'm all about respecting the elders, but jackassery doesn't have an age limit, sorry to say. And an asshole at 70 was often an asshole at 20. And 30. And so on. And every now and again people need a good calling out for it.
Posted by: karmajenn at April 24, 2007 02:37 PM (OUTBp)
9
I was right there with you until you got to the part where the lady remarked on your day getting off to a bad start. Where you walked away, I'm pretty sure I would have spun around and punched her in the face. That comment was just uncalled for! Gah.
I'm a calm person too. Most of the time, I'm the one telling my husband to calm down in situations like that (I wasn't there to calm him down the day of our wedding, when he almost got into a fight with a kid who was throwing rocks at them at the minigolf course - *sigh*). I almost never speak up, but put me behind the wheel of a car and it's like I have Tourette's! Lately, I've been getting better about speaking up for myself by firing off angry letters to companies that piss me off. I find it's good therapy, even though I'm sure most of them never get read.
Posted by: geeky at April 24, 2007 02:42 PM (ziVl9)
10
I have to say H,. this made me laugh out loud! Brilliant.
I too had to wait in a train ticket line this morning at a platform not a million miles from you and i got particularly annoyed as i only have 4 minutes to get my train and the man in front was buying a season ticket and it is a TUESDAY!! i know that all the train travelling idiots get them on Mondays but on Tuesdays i dont have to plan for this...
...totally rational i know.
Basically, what i am trying to say is...i get it. The old lady? She deserved it!
Abs x
Posted by: abs at April 24, 2007 03:02 PM (+gJH8)
11
I'm the one who eats a lot of shit without saying anything... but I'm all for someone who will step up and tell someone off if they're being an asshat. Good for you, Helen! That biddy had it coming - and for the record, that old man had it coming too - good for your restraint.
Posted by: sue at April 24, 2007 03:04 PM (WbfZD)
12
The bitchy, rude lady didn't know what kind of day you are having, but that is EXACTLY the reason we should be civil and not say stupid shit to random strangers. Good fpr you saying something to her. Maybe the next time she will hold her tongue and not be an idiot!
Posted by: sophie at April 24, 2007 03:43 PM (1HOa8)
13
Given 2.5 hours on the phone (probably more then I do in a normal year) with the EAP people trying to get a Mental health person to talk too.. I get reccomended to 3 places... all of which 'specalize' in LONG term (ie permanent) care of patients... 'NOT' I'll take my help on my terms... not when my 'meds' are due thank you very much...
This after being put on hold 3 times.. asked to hang up so she could go to lunch... .....hello?? and if this was an emergancy??? I was SOOoo tempted to press '1' just to see what would happen.
On the other hand.. airports I have no trouble with... Even lacking an ID..
Went through AlbanyIA and Logan twice with no id at all.. Got there VERY early and was willing to bug em...
Posted by: LarryConley at April 24, 2007 07:22 PM (nnfi9)
14
I've had days like that, too.
I'm usually not a complainer, particularly if complaining will obviously get me nowhere, or events are beyond the realm of human control (like the weather). If I do complain, it's usually along the lines of "How can we resolve this problem?" When I come unglued is when stupidity kicks in, or the "who gives a fuck, I'm off work in an hour" attitude.
With this obviously rude woman, I probably would have muttered something blasphemous under my breath, rolled my eyes, and walked away. Then cheered and laughed like hell when someone like you gets in her face.
Posted by: diamond dave at April 24, 2007 08:33 PM (UrHbJ)
15
What a winch! The nerve of her.
Posted by: Steff at April 24, 2007 09:24 PM (fIFtd)
16
Will this woman's comments make one iota of difference in your life a year from now? Put it on your calendar and check then. Ask yourself the question before you ruin your day.
If you were still enraged hours later, it's your problem, not hers. Please check your blood pressure. Unreasoned rage is not good. People are stupid. We all deal with it.
Posted by: Gal at April 25, 2007 03:25 AM (EUXkQ)
17
wow, i was getting mad just reading about it. i would've wanted to tell her to shove it. who taunts people who are going to work, anyway? don't they know that people hate commuting as it is? i hope you feel better after telling her off.
Posted by: becky at April 25, 2007 05:43 AM (gxmeq)
18
Ya know, I think once I hit my thirties, my bullshit tolerance dropped significantly. I used to be the meek, mellow type who would let things slide - not so much now. I guess I've come to the realization that life is too short to tolerate assholes. Seems you have too. I'm sure that everyone else on the platform (asside from crabby old fart) were quietly cheering you on. Way to go!
Posted by: maolcolm at April 25, 2007 10:11 PM (3aK3c)
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Heh. Well...I've actually done this kind of thing too, once or twice.
But I wasn't too happy with myself later. Felt great at the time to vent; felt like shit later, though. Fucking conscience, eh?
Just gets in the damn way. ;-P
Posted by: The other Amber at April 26, 2007 04:13 AM (zQE5D)
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A bunch of oldies behaving like schoolkids! I bet if some kids had taunted them you'd never have heard the end of it... "kids today have no respect blah blah blah... in my day ..."
And when you (in a rather restrained and dignified manner) called them on it they acted like you were being rude!
I would have pointed out to them that they were just giving young workers sh17 because they were pissed that they were too old to get laid anymore! That would have sorted them out >:-)
Posted by: Steve P at April 26, 2007 10:43 AM (pcmJs)
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It's a good thing to let people know you won't take crap from them. I tend to moderate my language when my children are around. Absent them, though, and I'd like have told the breath mint lady, "If I wanted more shit out of you, I'd have squeezed your head."
Fuuny, most people seem quite put out by that sort of comment.
Posted by: physics geek at April 27, 2007 08:54 PM (vKMFv)
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Heather I had a similar experience yesterday. Husband and I decided to get a little culture and tackle the Hogarth exhibit at Tate Britain. Throughout the entire exhibit this annoying woman kept cutting in front of me to read the descriptions of the etchings on the wall. While everyone else was queying civily and slowly making their way around the rooms, this one woman kept having to be RIGHT behind me in my space or push in front of me and stand DIRECTLY in my line of vision. I almost said something like "Really, do you not see me in front of you?" But I was afraid everyone would hear my American NY accent and react to me like a freak. So I just tried to ignore her and get away from her, but I sooo wanted to scream at her!!!! Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
Posted by: Kimberly at April 29, 2007 03:05 PM (ipqeD)
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April 20, 2007
Today Is Your Day, Sparky
This morning started with giddy excitement. I carried up coffee to a beaming Angus. I whipped out a mound of gifts from me, his kids, and my Dad, stepmother, and step-grandma. He grinned as he opened his cards. The phone and Skype have been ringing off the hook as wishes come pouring in.
The gifts were popular-clothes, sweets from Sweden, a Gorillapod and pasta maker from me, a cooking certificate from Eat, Drink, Talk from my family (which is perfect, as Angus loves to cook).
And then my big present-he unwrapped The Rough Guide to Scotland. Even though we've been to Scotland many times and love it absolutely, I thought it would be useful.
Useful because I've booked us a trip there. We leave the first weekend in June (June, as even though it's his weekend this weekend, we just came back from holiday and we have Iceland in May). He head to Oban (via Fort Willaim) on the sleeper train, and our first stop is somewhere he's always wanted to go to, the Cruachan Power Station, which is Scotland's biggest power station. From there, we then head up through the Hebrides and relax for a total of 5 days, before taking the sleeper train back home again.
He seems very happy with his gifts.
Tonight I'm making him a posh pasta dinner and uncorking a nice bottle of bubbly. We're relaxing and taking it easy. Throughout the day he gets whatever he wants.
It's his day after all.
To the sexiest 45 year-old I know: Happy Birthday, Angus. I love you madly.
-H.
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1
Holy crap!! I wouldn't mind a gorillapod myself!
Happy Birthday Angus
Posted by: ~Easy at April 20, 2007 11:09 AM (G5FSP)
2
Angus, you are a lucky man! Happy Birthday!
Posted by: kenju at April 20, 2007 11:20 AM (DBvE5)
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happy birthday, Angus.
(I've been eyeing a gorrilapod myself. Let me know how you like it.)
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at April 20, 2007 12:29 PM (+MvHD)
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Give Angus a big Happy Birthday from me! The gorilla pod looks really cool.
Posted by: justme at April 20, 2007 12:42 PM (4L54J)
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The happiest of birthdays to you, Angus!
Posted by: Lindsay at April 20, 2007 01:11 PM (mHNC3)
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGUS!!!
Posted by: Teresa at April 20, 2007 01:45 PM (UCuPu)
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Happy Birthday Angus! Hope you have a great day!
Posted by: Suzie at April 20, 2007 01:58 PM (YqqaU)
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Screw the gorillapod! Can you pack me in your suitcase and take me to Scotland? You can just chuck me out of the train into a field of sheep and I'll fend for myself for five days and then I'll totally just hop back on the train on the way back.
Sound like a deal?
Happy birthday, A!
Posted by: amy t. at April 20, 2007 02:37 PM (3dOTd)
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Happy Birthday from Atlanta, Angus!
Posted by: Deb at April 20, 2007 07:34 PM (v2b6T)
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Happy Birthday Angus! Sounds like you got off to a great start...
Posted by: sue at April 20, 2007 08:51 PM (WbfZD)
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Hope Angus has a wonderful birthday!
Posted by: donna at April 21, 2007 01:06 AM (0VoEe)
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April 19, 2007
Walking
Some days are days where everything makes sense-the sun comes up just like you need it to. The coffee is hot but not too hot. Your phone is quiet and the dog's tail thumps on the floor behind you and your favorite TV show is all saved up to watch.
These days, the days where it's all like it needs to be, are the days which remind you that things will be ok.
In my head things buzz around. A long email which needs answering but I don't know how to answer it. A project at work that I want to sink my teeth into, but am not sure how to proceed. A long litany of words swimming around in my skull which need to be unleashed. A move towards the next step in the therapy of me that needs to be taken. All of these things move in me and on me and will be released when I am ready, when they are ready.
Sometimes life comes in and affects us so profoundly that we think the life we knew before will never come back again. We had gotten comfortable, we had become secure, we never knew that things could go the way we didn't want them to go. We walked our daily walk, never knowing the storms that were brewing, the fact that the sun is going to disappear.
When the darkness comes, we never think we're going to make it.
The thing about life is you don't really have a choice.
Pick any tired cliched adage you want - When God closes a door he opens a window. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. We are never given more than we can deal with. Through every darkness, there will be light. It doesn't matter the saying, the underlying message is this- it's bad now. It's very bad. It's a sheer and unmitigating darkness that swallows you whole.
But it will go away, in time.
It always does.
Yesterday was not a remarkable day. In the ordinariness of life, this day was stunningly ordinary. Return from holiday, laundry hung out to dry, dishes done, the dog was bathed, and I passed out on the couch from jet lag.
Yesterday was the day that the child we miscarried last year was due.
I didn't mention the day to anyone, I didn't do anything to note the event.
I didn't need to.
Yesterday the sun rose and set and then it came up again this morning. It will continue to do so for as long as I'm alive, which is a great deal longer than that embryo ever will be. Once I didn't want children. Now, I know children are something I want more than I know words to express it. And I look back on the unrelenting grief that was August, I remember the loss of the one I nicknamed Dr. Seuss baby, and I feel ok. I feel like I have been on a long walk, one which nearly took my career, my heart, and my happiness down with it. I walked through the storm of it all, and I look at yesterday with a bittersweet calm.
A birth didn't take place in our world yesterday.
And it's ok.
I'll never stop walking.
-H.
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1
Keep on walking, keep on living, keep on having hope for a future.
Posted by: Mia at April 19, 2007 09:15 AM (pwAtA)
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No comments I can express in words, other than "thank you".
Posted by: maolcolm at April 19, 2007 09:32 AM (8KP/r)
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"And it's ok."
Some of the most peaceful words I've ever read on this blog. Kudos to you for that.
Posted by: Minawolf at April 19, 2007 12:16 PM (eOa5a)
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You give so many people in the world hope and light each and every day. My greatest wish is you get your wish someday.
Posted by: sue at April 19, 2007 12:40 PM (WbfZD)
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I think that's the most any of us can do in life, just take one day at a time. I'm glad you're feeling at peace about things
Posted by: geeky at April 19, 2007 01:49 PM (ziVl9)
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*hug* Walk and we all walk with you.
It's amazing how true those words are though. There always is a light out there waiting for you. You just have to keep walking to get to it. There are times when something will trip you as you walk through the darkness and you start crawling. Eventually, you start walking again and before you know it the walking gets easier. And then the light.
Posted by: Michele at April 19, 2007 02:26 PM (fcaMV)
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The thing that always scares me when something happens that swallows me in darkness is the thought that someday, life will just go on-and all that pain will be a distant memory. Sometimes that thought is unbearable during the middle of a desperate time-all the awful feelings, the blackness that is consuming me at the moment-it will all go away and the sun will shine.
The irony is thank god it does, or life would be truly unbearable.
Hugs to you, and just to be cliche, no one is ever forgotten as long as they live on in your heart.
Posted by: Teresa at April 19, 2007 02:53 PM (A01sA)
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Okay. That's it. I'm not opening your web address in my browser without a fresh box of Kleenex.
I've been saying it for over three years, now, but you are stronger than you realize.
I love you, you know.
Posted by: jUST mE at April 19, 2007 04:32 PM (7Ei8d)
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Remember the song from the old "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" christma special? The one with the godawful animotion?
I don't remember all of it, but part of one of the songs has the words "just put one foot in fron of the other". Just make that your theme song
Posted by: ~Easy at April 19, 2007 05:31 PM (jm+bg)
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Easy-
It was "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" that featured the song "Put One Foot in Front of the Other."
I know my Rankin/Bass-don't mess with me.
;-)
"...and soon you'll be walking out the door!"
Posted by: Teresa at April 19, 2007 08:52 PM (GZ7Qu)
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I am glad that you are okay. Hope springs eternal, as they say, and I hope it for you with all my might.
Posted by: kenju at April 19, 2007 09:24 PM (DBvE5)
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just thinking about you guys
Posted by: SuperSarah at April 19, 2007 10:32 PM (paC52)
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I am proud of you, Helen. Keep walking, with your head held high. You are strong, bold, beautiful, but most of all, resilient. You are an amazing woman...
Posted by: Mia at April 22, 2007 01:51 AM (0RhaN)
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April 18, 2007
We're Home, aka American Airlines, Expedia, and Alamo Can Suck My Flat Pale Ass
I'm super tired and barely functioning. I'm home now, and Angus has left to take his two extremely tired kids to their final flight home. I'll crawl back on the couch and pass out in a sec, but first an update.
You know how I'm one of those high-powered, super-sonic worriers when it comes to holidays and flights and such? I like everything to be beyond ready, I like to be at the airport fucking eons before the flight, I like everything to be nailed down tight? Imagine what happens when it all goes wrong.
Which is exactly what happened last Monday.
It went wrong in every way something could go wrong.
Seriously.
It started with us screaming to the airport, running late to catch our flight to Miami from Montreal, where we'd then connect to Jamaica. The security queues were endless. We got trapped in an immigration line with a man who wrote slower than a Slug Tag Team. We barely caught our flight.
I tried to calm down.
I ate Tums.
We got to Miami and it really went downhill.
Melissa only had her Swedish passport on her, as her English passport is being renewed (and anyway her English passport isn't machine readable, a requirement to enter the USA). I checked the Jamaican visa requirements when we booked the flights, and we were all green.
Then Jamaica went and hosted a Cricket Tournament.
And a cricket coach was murdered.
Suddenly, Swedes needed visas to enter Jamaica. Because, you know, the Swedes, they have a real reputation for danger. They are wild, my friend, especially if it involves cricket-a sport they don't even play there.
For being a neutral Scandinavian country, they're rewarded by needing visas to enter Jamaica for the months of March-May this year. Said visa could only be gotten from Jamaican consulates. Which-as it was Easter Monday-were closed, and it takes them 24-72 hours to process them anyway.
I asked an American Airlines woman for assistance. She blew me off. I asked for her supervisor. He blew me off in an even more spectacular fashion, it was more of a "really, can't you go crawl in a hole somwhere in the airport and die?" blowoff than a regular blowoff. In a fit of rage, and in a totally uncharacteristic move for me, I shouted after him if there was actually anyone who really knew how to do their jobs who could help me.
We decided to book a last minute flight to somewhere warm. We paid an extortionate sum of money to American Airlines for a hotel and flight and wound up going to Cancun instead. I told the American Airlines guy I'd be contacting American Airlines about his behavior. I thought I'd won that round.
American Airlines, instead, thoughtfully had us chosen to be specially security searched as a "security risk". We got singled out, embarrassed, and held in a little glass box in the middle of a hugely congested screening area before we were screened with a fine tooth comb (which luckily didn't include rubber gloves). Angus was livid. The kids were confused. I was ready to come home.
I'm so grateful to American Airlines that I hope they rot in hell.
We got on the plane.
Once on the plane, I realized my beautiful and amazing Irish bracelet Angus had bought me had fallen off somewhere in transit and was gone.
When we arrived in Cancun, the security screeners there pulled us to the side. They were very kind and polite, and we braced ourselves to be searched again. They didn't want to screen us, it turns out, they just wanted to kindly let us know-a bottle of wine had broken in one of our suitcases, and soaked most of the contents inside. When we opened the suitcase in the airport it smelled like Boozy McWino had taken up residence in our clothing.
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
And when we finally got to the hotel-a surprisingly posh one, thanks to Expedia-they informed us we didn't have adjoining rooms after all (as we had booked), but for another $120 a night they could upgrade us to a two bedroom suite. I battled with them, and they went down to $60 a night. In the end, we wearily agreed-it was have the kids stay on the other side of the hotel (not an option) or have the adults split up to stay with one kid on the other side of the hotel (also not an option). Rock? Meet Cancun place. The room they gave us was indeed nice, although I'm not too happy we were held for ransom like that.
Melissa took diving courses, Angus stayed with her as much as possible, and Jeff and I spent the next three days in the pool. This would be idyllic, only there was a hidden problem we would later learn about - "what lies beneath" is more than just a scary movie title.
Both Angus and his son came down with flaming ear infections, apparently (according to the doctor, anyway) from the Mexican hotel pool (and this was a really posh upscale resort, too! Who saw that coming?) When we made it to Key West over the weekend, it was another $400 in a doctor visit and antibiotics for them, and both of them are still in agony.
They were not alone in their discomfort-Melissa came down with an outbreak of Herpes Simplex A on her face (NOT the kind related to sexually transmitted disease, this is the viral kind related to exposure of chicken pox. Still, not something that one is necessarily proud of). That's right. Melissa has the hand herpes...but on her face. Luckily, she too has an ointment that seems to be clearing it right up.
I seem to not have come down with anything (besides a day of seasickness when I accompanied Melissa on her diving boat. I didn't dive as she was doing her exam dives, but I did snorkel, which I only did up until the waves started, then I was flat on my back for the duration of the day, puking my guts up.) I'm told my face was an interesting color for the remainder of the day.
As a family, we didn't even get to spend a single day together in Cancun. We booked a day trip with the local Expedia office to Cozumel, where we were told we'd be together all day, but we weren't. Jeff and I went snorkelling while Angus and Melissa went diving (Melissa flexing her successful PADI dive card for the first time), and we didn't see them all day as they put us on different boats. Don't get me wrong, by this time Jeff and I had bonded so well we were like two peas in a pod, but I was actually missing Angus by that point. When I went back to the Expedia office to complain about what had happened, I was told that "I clearly misunderstood."
That'll be letter number 2 going off to management then.
Besides the face herpes, the oozing ears, and the overwhelming cost of Cancun (a big perk in Cancun is I can highly recommend the Argentinian restaurant Puerto Madero, which is one of the best meals we've ever had), the real kick in the face happened with Alamo Rental Cars in the U.S. Upon landing in Miami I went to the rental car shuttle to tell them that we were coming, could they wait thirty seconds for us to board? I had my body half in/half out of the bus while asking this question, and the bus driver simply shouted "We're full!" at my question. Then he shut the door on me.
He shut the door on me.
With me halfway in the bus.
I had to push myself out of the closed doors.
And then I went mental. I was so full of rage I couldn't even speak. The weird thing is, in the Good Cop-Bad Cop scenario, Angus is always the Bad Cop and I'm the Good Cop. Always. But not this time. Angus tried to tell me this was a minor inconvenience, but all I saw was red. I went from Bad Cop to Ballistic Cop with a speed that startled even me.
And in the Alamo office, I exploded. I even used words like "assault", "police", and "lawsuit", and I NEVER use those words because I NEVER sue. It got us a car upgrade, anyway, from a Ford Piece of Shit to a Chevy Impala Piece of Shit (seriously, who drives these cars? Who?) but I didn't calm down for a long time.
Cue angry letter number 3.
I can say this-Key West was extraordinary. The people were very kind, the place relaxing, the setting lovely. I want to live there. Gorby would be in heaven. On Sunday we had a terrific thunderstorm and I loved it. We had key lime pie (obligatory). We went to the Southernmost Point (also obligatory, but what the fuck is up with those creepy plastic people?) We took it easy.
Unfortunately we had very little time in Miami and we only saw Old Navy and Target, no other shopping got to be done. We didn't see anything of Miami this time, but I can confirm this-no more hotels on Miami Beach for us, mostly because I like my sleep to not be interrupted at 4 am by abusive drunken revellers.
I'm getting old like that.
We made it home on the flight from hell, leaving last night and arriving at Oh God Hundred this morning. I say flight from hell because the American woman in front of me threw her seat back all the way down from the moment the plane took off, and didn't raise it again, except to have periodic bursts where she'd lift up her seat back and then slam it back down as hard as she could, nearly always catching my knee in the process.
We fully expected to have come home and found the house burned down, burgled, and Gorby dead, but none of those seem to have happened, despite us apparently not only forgetting to lock the door on Sunday when we left, it appears we forgot to even close the door at all. A neighbor who we asked to check in on the place found the front door wide open on Tuesday, two days after we left. She kindly locked up the place for us.
Living in the country has its advantages.
So we're home. Overall we had a good time, but I think it was far from relaxing. I miss the kids. I miss the sun.
I never knew the house could be so calming.
-H.
PS-will try to upload Flickr pics tomorrow. For now? Bedtime.
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1
Oh dear god, you need a holiday from your holiday!! I thought my weekend away to Barcelona started off bad when the clutch went halfway to the airport! I sincerely hope you get some satisfaction from the airline \ hotel \ rental car company!!
Posted by: Elisa at April 18, 2007 01:49 PM (6/XCd)
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Blimey!! You really have had a nightmare 10 days! Hope you and Angus get some comeback from the various companies and now just get some sleep!
I know what it's like when the person in front of you puts their seat back without a thought for the person behind. Coming home from Vancouver in Janaury, my 6'3" husband had his knees knocked so many times, he had huge bruises!! Sleep well Helen, looking forward to your pictures.
Posted by: Suzie at April 18, 2007 02:13 PM (YqqaU)
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Oh, you poor people! What a crappy vacation. Those are the ones that make coming home (being home) such a relief. I, too, hope you get some payback from those companies. That's awful... and, on top, to lose your beautiful bracelet. Dang.
Get some rest... we're glad you're home.
Posted by: sue at April 18, 2007 02:52 PM (WbfZD)
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Everyone has had one of those annoying seat recliner people in front of them at one point, so I don't understand why people do that! If I tip my seat back at all, it's a small incline. Of course, I sleep in my car most days at lunch, so I'm used to a slight incline.
Sorry your trip was so chaotic. Sleep well.
Posted by: amy t. at April 18, 2007 03:25 PM (3dOTd)
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Ya know, I don't think I have ever taken a 'relaxing' vacation in my life. Isn't that sad?
Sorry to hear of all the troubles, and I am glad you went ballistic-all that frustration had to go somewhere, and who better then a car rental guy you will never see again. I am looking forward to the pics though.
Glad you all made it home safe, and hopefully a little package will be on your doorstep soon that might put a little bounce in your step. ;-)
Posted by: Teresa at April 18, 2007 03:40 PM (0Slh2)
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Oh Helen!
I'm so sorry. And I can totally relate; we took what was supposed to be a little getaway to Coronado last year. Because my first name was simply misspelled, I had to go through the special security and the booth and all that too. Our Alamo car was rammed into from behind on the first day there and I had whiplash for the rest of the trip.
On our last day, I finally felt able to go to the beach for a picnic and watch the sun go down (believe it or not, I've never done that before) but the fog came in so thick there was no visibility. You couldn't even see the BEACH!
We picnicked in our room instead. The same room I'd been pretty much marooned in because of my neck and back pain.
Fun fun fun.
I've never been so happy to get home in all my life. Home sweet home; nothing like it.
WELCOME HOME!
Posted by: The other Amber at April 18, 2007 03:49 PM (zQE5D)
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I read somewhere that only the truly rich and the truly poor ever enjoy a vacation. The rich because they can pay whatever it takes to make sure they have everything they want/need and the poor because it doesn't take much to be a temporary upgrade from their everyday lives.
Welcome home.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 18, 2007 05:45 PM (UquFN)
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Wish I'd read this before I booked our flight on American. Then again, I expect them to fuck everything up, so all they can do is exceed my expectations.
Alamo is another company that has fucked me over enough times that I will never under any circumstances use them.
On the upside, the trip was memorable, right?
Posted by: ~Easy at April 18, 2007 06:26 PM (G5FSP)
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Impala. Oh, yes, that was the car that decided us that American designers had no concept of usable design or ergonomics. Bleagh.
(Our Ford is fairly well-designed, but it was, in fact, designed by Volvo designers, so Americans get no points from that.)
As for the rest— how hard is it to display a little sympathy? Really, you may not be able to do anything about a problem, but even trying wins brownie points. Which are essential if you want repeat customers. You know, those people who give you MORE money...
I don't understand why people don't study customer service. Repeat customers are easier than new ones.
Posted by: B. Durbin at April 18, 2007 07:00 PM (tie24)
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I tend to like being spontaneous with vacations. Just plan the basics (flight, car, accomodations) and play the rest by ear. I reserve being anal and punctual for those three items, the rest I'm pretty easy about. Sounds like your experience went way beyond spontaneous into flat-out chaotic. I too probably would have been ripping someone's lungs out.
BTW you're not the only one I've heard complain about AA's crappy customer service. They seem to do most things right, but when they go wrong they tend to have a "who gives a fuck about you?" attitude. Go ahead and send them a complaint but be prepared to be blown off, I've heard bad stories about them. Think in the future I'll avoid American myself. Being in Atlanta I tend to prefer Delta (AirTran has proven itself a worthy option for domestic flights as well). I've also had good luck with Southwest, when I lived on the west coast.
Welcome home Helen. Happy to hear that despite your troubles, you still were able to enjoy at least some of your vacation.
Posted by: diamond dave at April 18, 2007 08:31 PM (HKv2T)
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I'm so glad you're home. I missed you so much. I'm sorry that you had to go through 7 circles of hell to go on vacation though. American Airlines can suck my left tit.
Posted by: statia at April 18, 2007 11:19 PM (KcrOI)
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We missed you. Sorry you had such an awful time away. I think years from now, you will be able to laugh at the horror of it all. Many, many years from now.
Posted by: kenju at April 18, 2007 11:42 PM (DBvE5)
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If I could type better I would rage right along with you, but welcome home will have to suffice.
Posted by: Donna at April 19, 2007 06:39 AM (lQSbL)
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I know you probably did, but just in case, call the airport and ask for the lost and found, you never know about your bracelet.
And crappy vacations, yeah, we went through hurricane wilma in cancun. How is cozumel looking? They got the worst of it, and I read that the reefs were trashed.
You now need a vacation from the vacation.
Posted by: Donna at April 19, 2007 03:17 PM (Sm/Mu)
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Oh, and maybe it's because the police package is different, but I really like the '02 Impala I've been driving. *shrugs*
Posted by: ~Easy at April 19, 2007 05:27 PM (jm+bg)
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Hi Helen,
What a nightmare ! Sorry to hear your trip was so bad. Maybe you can book a return visit to Jamaica another time, especially now that Melissa has her dive certificate.
There is a free website http://www.howtocomplain.com/ which has the standard forms to use for a lot of different organisations including AA. Why not try that, they also list who to address the complaints to.
I had similar service levels (i.e. known) on my recent trip by AA between Dallas and Atlanta, plus the benefits of purchasing sandwiches or drinks for $5 each.
Best wishes that everyone recovers from their illnesses and looks forward to the next holiday.
Some locals I meet said to stick to the North side of the island and avoid Kingston. The two places suggested the most were Mo'Bay and Negril.
Look forward to your regular updates
Robin
Posted by: robin h at April 23, 2007 06:34 PM (MDKpX)
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April 06, 2007
What a Week I'm Having
It's truly been an amazing week. I'd be hard to enunciate why, exactly, but I somehow feel some kind of new horizon has been opened up. Maybe it's turning 33 (because that's such a banner year, of course.) Or maybe it's many things.
Having my dad and stepmother here was absolutely phenomenal. We miss them very much, actually, and I wish we all lived closer. Seeing as they work from Seattle and we work from London, though, I think that's unlikely. We've spoken twice since he returned home, him using his laptop with the new Skype kit Angus installed, and I get to talk to him once more before we have a bit of radio silence while we're both away.
Our guests just left. Jill and her kids stayed the night, and it went better than I thought it would. Angus did indeed up his attentive game, and I have to admit in my childish way that being the center of his attention again was just what I needed. In the light of his sparkling, I felt calm and secure. I still recognize that around Jill, I am Logical Helen. Logical Helen is tough, has her game on, and is not rocked by emotions anywhere. Logical Helen is polite, laughs, and goes about getting things done. Logical Helen is a part of the real me, but she usually dwells behind Childlike Helen, Dozy Helen, and Laughing Helen. Having Angus understand that I have jealousy issues made a difference, though, and this visit went very well.
The house is quiet now for 24 hours. I feel like people have been here with us all week, which I guess they have. It's a day off in England today as Good Friday is a proper holiday. Angus and I will do a bit of work, and I'm personally hoping for an afternoon session in the bedroom.
The sun is shining. More than that, the sun is warm. The back door has been thrown open to a cloudless sky and a canine trods in and out of the house. The light is coming in all the windows, sheltering, calming, cleaning.
Tomorrow morning Melissa and Jeff arrive. I haven't seen them since February, and you probably wouldn't believe it, but I can't wait to see them. I know-it sounds cheesy, it really does. But I'm looking forward to having them here a lot. Melissa showed me her new haircut on Skype, and we'll settle in tomorrow to watch TV and chill.
And then, on Sunday, we're off. The four of us leave at lunchtime after dropping Gorby off at his bed and breakfast. We board a flight to Montreal, and we land in the late afternoon. We're checking in to an airport hotel for a meal and a night, then in the morning we take a flight to Miami, where we then connect and go on to Montego Bay, Jamaica. We spend 5 days in Jamaica.
Melissa is going to get certified to dive there. I couldn't understand it, but Angus was adamant that she get the complete certification with him, instead of doing parts of it in Sweden. I didn't get it until he explained it quietly to me-he wanted her to look back on her diving as something she learnt just with her father, he wants it to be a special memory. I got it then, and now I'm doing all I can to help. We've found an excellent PADI certified school in Jamaica. I've spoken with the instructors. I feel comfortable they're good, and Melissa is very, very excited.
Jeff may do a resort dive or two, it depends. While Melissa is taking diving class, Jeff will have one of about 50,000 water slides at this hotel to choose from. I don't think he'll be bored at all. We'll all be slathered in SPF60, aka "BLOCK THE SUN NOW!" sunblock, especially as two of the four are shockingly blond and just had a Swedish winter, and one of us has had skin cancer.
As for Angus and I, it's not our usual type of holiday, but we're looking forward to time with those he calls "his babies", and we'll relax (I'm taking several books), eat fabulous food, and hopefully have a lot of loving in the quiet nighttime hours (the kids have their own hotel room.)
Next Saturday we leave Jamaica and go back to Florida. We're making our way to Key West for two nights, then Monday we stay at South Beach for one night before taking a connecting flight in Toronto to come home.
It's been a hell of a week, my friend.
And now I'm going to paint my toenails red while soaking up the sunshine. I'm going to have a cup of coffee and smile at the man I love. I'm going to enjoy the last few days before we go away.
I'll see you on the 18th of April.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
Sounds like a whirlwind! Have fun, enjoy your R&R.
Glad the night with Angus' friend & kids wasn't as bad as you feared.
Take Care.
Posted by: Angela at April 06, 2007 11:58 AM (MXLbn)
2
But...why would you go to Florida now? After all, spring training is over.
Posted by: ~Easy at April 06, 2007 12:12 PM (G5FSP)
3
Sounds like an awesome vacation - enjoy it!
Posted by: geeky at April 06, 2007 12:25 PM (ziVl9)
4
Have a great holiday, I'm sure you will.
Posted by: Akelamalu at April 06, 2007 12:30 PM (hpmlX)
5
Man, you need to calm your schedule down. I read your site every day, and I even check it several times a day because I'm a little OCD like that. I just can't take it when you take off for days at a time. Who will I read?!?
Posted by: Jen(aside) at April 06, 2007 02:10 PM (u973k)
6
Have a great time in Mo'Bay enjoy the sunshine and the relaxation.
Bring back plenty of stories and pictures for your blog and flickr.
Robin
Posted by: robin h at April 06, 2007 03:32 PM (VwhES)
7
My eyes are green now
That sounds like heaven!
Have a great time Helen!
Posted by: Heidi at April 06, 2007 04:51 PM (kUeAS)
8
Have fun! Be safe! And bring me back a cabana boy or two?
Posted by: Lindsay at April 06, 2007 05:28 PM (mHNC3)
9
I'll try to click on your Flickr site to see what a good time you're having.
Of course, I'll understand if you're too busy to post...
Posted by: B. Durbin at April 06, 2007 07:44 PM (tie24)
10
I can't wait to hear how you like Jaimaca. My youngest son and his bride will be honeymooning there next February! Have a great vacation...
Posted by: sue at April 06, 2007 07:48 PM (WbfZD)
11
In Key West, if you have the time go to Pepe's on Caroline Street for brunch.
Posted by: TK at April 06, 2007 11:49 PM (A1t4c)
12
Bon Voyage!
Have a safe, wonderful trip. Sounds like it will be a grand time!
Posted by: Teresa at April 06, 2007 11:55 PM (8uIlE)
13
That sounds like heaven to me! Have a wonderful time, come back safely and know you will be missed.
Posted by: kenju at April 07, 2007 03:03 PM (DBvE5)
14
Have a wonderful time!!
Posted by: Donna at April 09, 2007 02:02 AM (lQSbL)
15
Hang on tight and have a great time!
Posted by: Steff at April 11, 2007 03:30 PM (uKuUC)
16
*sigh* Jamaica. Oh how I miss that place. You going to be anywhere near Negril?
Posted by: girl at April 11, 2007 11:51 PM (eCQTJ)
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April 05, 2007
My Eyes Are Sometimes Still Green
A long time ago, I was one seriously jealous chick.
Really.
I remember being eaten up with jealousy and envy. The 7 Deadly Sins had nothing on me. My insides got eaten up with hideous jealousy, to the point where I was a control freak.
The biggest point I remember being jealous was with Kim-I was almost mental with insecurity and resentment. Kim had a lot of female friends, and although it's true, he did wind up cheating on me with one of them, I viewed them all as the enemy. I had to be on my guard. I had to watch everything. It got to where I was dangerous-I would listen to his answering machine, I would search his closets. I was way out of control.
When we split I realized that I couldn't spend my life that way. Jealousy is an emotion that takes enormous chunks out of your soul, it's a feeling that eats away inside like a caustic chemical, burning out parts of you as you go. I learnt that the price I paid for jealousy was too high-not only was I rewarded with my greatest fear of him cheating, but it became one of the worst parts of me, something that I was least proud of.
I didn't want to be that person anymore.
So I stopped.
Honestly. I just stopped.
From then on, I wasn't remotely jealous about people in my boyfriends' lives. They want other people in their lives? Cool. Those people of the opposite sex? Whatever. Go to dinner, have a drink, enjoy. Fuck them and I'm leaving you, but unless you give me a reason to believe you're cheating it's not going to cross my mind for a moment. I'm not spinning another wheel on jealousy, I'm not dwelling in the House of the Paranoid ever again. I may dial up the crazy in other ways, but I'm not going to be jealous.
Angus and I have a very, very honest and open relationship (by open I mean communicative, not "shagging our way through Britain one person at a time" open). One of our early foundations in who we are is that we told each other everything. For the first time in my life, I had someone that I let it all out to. No one got that before, not even Kim. We told each other everything, from the hopes and dreams to fears to where we had grievously sinned. Nowadays sometimes our communication takes a hit, sometimes some subjects are so prickly that it does damage the ability to drag everything into the open. It used to sadden me terribly, but now I just think that life is like that-maybe some feelings are too raw to drag out until the edges become a little bit buffed. But in general, he's the one who knows me more than I know myself.
Which is why I was shocked that he recently mused I was jealous about something.
Angus has an old friend from when he was in school. He's one of those lucky sods that didn't spend his life moving around, his childhood friends are still his friends, and probably always will be. At this little school he had a friend named Jill, and in a strange coincidence, they met up at a school reunion about 10 years ago and discovered they were both living in Stockholm with their spouses and kids. They reunited their friendship and have remained friends since.
Jill and Angus both divorced about the same time, and although she disapproved of me in the beginning, she doesn't seem to mind that I'm around now and in fact he says she speaks highly of me these days. They talk fairly regularly, especially when she's going through a new relationship crisis which seems to happen about every 10 minutes or so.
And the truth is, I don't like Jill.
I never have.
It started when I first met her and Angus and I had an argument that we both handled very badly, and it's continued since then.
I don't for one minute think there's something naughty going on. Trust me when I say that I have zero doubt they're not having an affair. They're good friends and they like each other alot, but I don't need Angus to tell me that sex isn't an option (which he has told me, anyway), it's clear that there is nothing even vaguely romantic between them, nor could there be. They may be friends but you can tell they'd probably kill each other if they were romantic.
My dislike for Jill isn't something I really talk about. It does happen in relationships, I'm sure we often dislike one of our partner's friends (I have a female friend Angus doesn't like, so I guess we're even.) But since that meeting a long time ago, she simply rubbed me the wrong way and stayed in that sandpaper position.
When Angus went to Stockholm a few weeks ago he stayed with her and her kids in the evening (staying at the former marital home wasn't an option, which I think all parties are relieved about.) While there Jill mentioned she and the kids are coming to London this week, could they stay with us? Seeing as Angus had just crashed at her pad, it was hardly possible to say no.
So they're coming.
They were due to come on Tuesday, but my family was here until Wednesday. So they arrive tonight and stay until Saturday. Jill has three kids, one of them who is sweet and friendly, the other two for whom the word "tornado" was invented-the youngest is just a handful, the eldest ranges from "offensively rude" to "incredibly sweet" in a matter of seconds (unless something has changed-I haven't seen them since last year so maybe they're no longer like that.)
I'm not looking forward to it. I'd take an herbal tranquilizer, but that's not a good idea. Instead I'm going to face it head on.
One night in bed a while back, Angus said that he thought I was jealous of Jill. I scoffed. Ridiculous! I don't do jealous! There's nothing to be jealous of! Jealousy is an outdated emotion! Acceptance is the new black!
Then, with time and a little thought, I realized that he was right.
I am jealous.
I don't feel the need to check his collars for lipstick or to guard my heart. I don't worry that she's coming along in an attempt to steal him, I don't want to religiously check his behavior.
But they have a different relationship than I understand, and it does upset me.
In the UK friends use very derisive humor with each other. You take the piss out of someone that you like (and you simply abuse those you don't.) As friends, she speaks to him in ways that I would not only dream of talking to him in, but in ways that I'm not allowed to talk to him.
Everyone has trigger points, the things that make us blow up. Everyone's are different. For me, if you hang up the phone on me you'd better plan on never speaking to me again, because I find it pretty unforgivable (but that hasn't stopped Angus once or twice from doing it to me.) If you attack the fact that I have a mental illness in a negative way, you'd better be prepared to throw down. If you're teasing me about being an American, that's one thing. If you're having an unwarranted go at my country, that's another.
For Angus, he has a few key flashpoints. One of them is when something is imposed upon him-it can be anything from getting a parking ticket to someone imposing their opinion on him. One of this other triggers is when you tell him what he should think or do - he doesn't like that, and while I understand that, I do sometimes struggle with it, as you have to explain perceptions to him carefully, i.e. "I think you're doing X" as opposed to "You're doing X" in an argument.
Through the years we've been together we've learnt what each others triggers are and we carefully try to work through them. It doesnt' mean we both don't fuck up from time to time, but I know that there are parameters I should work in with him, just as he has ways he has to handle me (the words "kid gloves" apply here.)
For Jill, she gets to blow down all the barn doors. She can talk to him however she wants and it's ok. I know Angus disagrees with me, but I've seen her commit the cardinal sin of telling Angus what he thinks and he didn't get angry. And I'll be honest-on reflection, I realized that I resent that horribly. Why do I have to be so careful with what I say and she can just let loose? Maybe the truth is, they just have a different relationship-as school friends, they can be disrespectful but lovers, well...you have to respect and care more. But still-it makes me angry. It makes me angrier still when I think she's being downright rude, teasing him about weight or grey hair or the like.
But my biggest issue, I have realized, is so embarrassing I can hardly believe it.
The entire time I have known Angus there is one thing I can count on him for-if we are at a party or an event or in a crowded room, he will be looking out for me. He will be around me, sparkling, caring. This sounds incredibly smug and I really don't mean it that way, but I know that in a room full of people chances are his eyes will be on me. Which makes me feel amazing and alive, especially since my eyes are always on him. We're both so transparent it's sad, but it's one of our things-apparently our eyes sparkle around each other, and for once I don't mind sounding a little My Little Pony.
But when Jill's around, his attention is on her. Not in a sparly eye kind of way, but perhaps in a "she makes me laugh and is a good mate" kind of way. The past few events we've had that she's been to, I've barely seen Angus. Again, I'm sure there's no hanky panky going on, but I have understood my biggest issue-
When she's around, I'm not the center of his world.
I can't tell you how embarrassed I am at how pathetic and needy that sounds.
Here are my insecurities playing out on a global scale. I am jealous all over again, and all because I'm not the center of his attention for one evening. It's like I'm a fucking four year-old all over again, demanding the grown-ups pay attention to ME ME ME.
Angus and I talked about this, and he's apologized for not being more attentive and says he'll rectify that. For my part, I've got some work to do, and I apologized to him for that. I hate feeling this way, and I need to stop it. This is wrong, it's not healthy.
So they arrive tonight. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm glad Angus will see his old friend. I guess a part of me sort of wishes I could hop out of myself for the evening, but for better or for worse I can't do that anymore.
I honestly believe that even if it weren't for my childish insecurities I still wouldn't really care for Jill (but of course, I would tell myself that). She's really isn't the kind of person I usually get on with, her personality kinda' grates on me. I wouldn't be rude to her, I'll be polite, but I still can't escape from the fact that I'm not a good person inside when she's around.
But that's my problem.
I may be off the suicide list, but apparently I still have more work to do on the jealousy list, and I can't express how ashamed I am to admit that.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
I have been married for almost 33 years (to the same man) and have got there by the following rules.
1. You don't have to like your partner's friends - male or female.
2. No-one should be more important to him than you - especially a female friend.
3. I don't believe a man and a woman can be 'just close friends' it's not normal.
I'd be suspicious. I hope this helps you realise you're not mad feeling a tad jealous!
Posted by: Akelamalu at April 05, 2007 10:24 AM (VIzvX)
2
Oh no-I swear I do believe he's just friends. I do think that men and women can be friends, it just has to be carefully managed. I have a movie buddy, a great guy, and we get on great. There isn't a single chance ever in it becoming remotely romantic, he's a close friend. Since I have close guy friends, I think it's possible for Angus to have girl friends.
But I do like your rules number 1 and 2, Akelamalu.
Posted by: Helen at April 05, 2007 10:28 AM (0DEpm)
3
Well I agree with both of you lol. I think it is easier for a female to have a male friend than a male to have a female friend when they are both in a relationship with someone. I honestly think females(friend or girlfriend) for some hormonal? lol reason are just more jealous than men tend to be for some reason. I have been in this situation myself. To long to explain it, and this is Helen's blog LOL.
The carefully managing statement is spot on! Angus is one smart guy to have seen it and talked to you about it! He/men should be aware on even the smallest of jealousies, I think it helps keep them at bay.
Posted by: justme at April 05, 2007 10:59 AM (4L54J)
4
There are several women that I was friends with in high school that are still friends 20+ years later. That being said I think that what you're feeling is normal. As long as you understand the feeling and don't deny it you can deal with it.
Good luck this week.
Posted by: ~Easy at April 05, 2007 11:09 AM (G5FSP)
5
It's like you tore a page out of my lifebook, changed the names, changed the country and VOILA.
I too had significant jealousy issues until about 5 years ago. I woke up one morning, hungover, embarassed and decided to change. And I did and it's been great, mostly. It really was that simple. I now choose to react differently to things.
That being said however, my husband MD has two best girlfriends from time spend in University. They stood by one another through thick and thin (and many other things including attempted romance )...and it (not so secretly) kinda kills me inside every time they get together...not because I think he's going to leave me (they can have him) but because they have a bond that I'll never be able to crack and they are his "buddies"....I get overly needy when they are around...and I find him to be overly assholish and insensitive when they are around...it's a problem...
We deal with it one visit at a time....and then one day at a time. We've agreed that I'll never HAVE to be comfortable around them....but that he's ALWAYS going to have to remember that although he doesn't need to coddle me (despite my requested attempts) I still am his wife and that my feelings count at the end of the day....
It's not easy though....so I bid you good luck...and may lots of good guilty food be handy in your time of need!
Posted by: wn at April 05, 2007 12:34 PM (N9KBU)
6
You've taken a huge step just by realizing how you feel about it. I still get a little jealous of my husband (of 27+ years) when he sees his female OR male friends. He's just that kind of a guy who has lived in this area all of his life, and who is a very outgoing and friendly person. Me? I'm the introverted "anti-social" one. I moved to his part of the state when we got together and left whatever friends I had behind (most of them took my ex's "side" in the divorce) and since I don't make friends easily am jealous of his numerous friendships. Never will there be anything sexual, it is purely me being envious of his easy-going nature.
Posted by: sue at April 05, 2007 12:44 PM (WbfZD)
7
H - I'm so impressed with your ability to work through your emotions. I've recently noticed how certain people will feel an emotion (ie "I'm angry.") and then leave it at that. Never get to the root cause, never try to figure out if your justified, etc.
You are very articulate with your emotions... you have a way of putting words to what many people feel.
thanks for sharing.
Posted by: SaraJane at April 05, 2007 03:12 PM (UKxjN)
8
As a real life green eyed girl, who runs a 'insecurity' marathon everyday in life, I can understand how you feel. I can also understand how you don't want to feel that way. My take on it (beacause I know you are dying to hear it ;-))
You and Angus are in a very deep, emotional relationahip. You know what buttons to push, and what ones to not. You pretty much know the outcome if you do push one of his buttons, and out of respect and love, you choose not to push those buttons. In your eyes, his hot spots are flashing in neon lights, and to him, having you set them off hurts deeply. As far as school chums go, I think you are right when you said they can touch on those hot spots and not get a rise out of each other because their relationship is more superficial. Lets face it, when a friend crosses one of our boundries, we might get pissed and say "back off", or maybe not say anything at all. But if someone we care deeply for, a lover, who we want to spend our life and dreams and goals with does that to us-it hurst like a knife to the chest. It is almost like a betrayal-they know us so well and they know what will hurt us the most so the use it against us-that is a pain unlike any other.
So two things here: first, Angus can brush off his mate's attitude because it is not on the level of importance that it would be if it came from you. Second, because you respect and love Angus and do not want to hurt or upset him, it rightfully pisses you off to see her talk to him like that and him to seemingly not care. In your mind maybe you think he should be pissed off, and when he isn't it is like WTF???
I could never speak to him that way without it resulting in an awful blow-up with deeply hurt feelings! I think what you are feeling is completely normal, and it sounds like you two are dealing with it well. A deep, true love takes a lot more work and investment-and while it is so worth it, it can be very tiring at times.
About not being attentive at an event, party, etc-I totally get that. One of the biggest downfalls of committed relationships I think is the "take for granted" situations. Angus knows at night he is going home with you, but wants to "show off" his funny mate. You are the center of his world, but it is hard to take a backseat sometimes. I don't think it makes you jealous-I think it makes you human.
Posted by: Teresa at April 05, 2007 03:26 PM (2WPOB)
9
Well, I think a certain amount of jealousy is healthy, not unhealthy.
My best friend and I were both in marriages before the ones we're in now where everyone was congratulating themselves on how free from jealousy we all were.
We both had guys flirting with us occasionally and both our husbands rather enjoyed watching this and never did anything to stop it.
But instead of making me feel like I was trusted, I actually felt a little taken for granted. I mean, if your husband doesn't even care...it makes you feel neglected.
So...it's a touchy situation; how much jealousy is "normal" and how much is overkill.
We have both discussed since then how much we love it that our husbands are a little jealous and possessive over us, unlike our last husbands.
I think I have a healthy jealousy over Dan and visa-versa. That being said, he has a woman friend from when he was 22 years old. They still talk on the phone sometimes, mostly she calls him for life advice, etc.
And yes, I'm a little jealous over her at times. But at the same time, I'm so proud that I have Dan and she doesn't.
She could have had him at one point but she was stupid and didn't go for it so HA HA HA! I get the last laugh! lol
She's sorry now, heh. Yeah, I know...I shouldn't take pleasure in others' misfortunes but Dan held the torch for her for a long time while she took advantage (Oh no, Dan, we're just friends!); now she's told him she regrets her decision not to date him after all. She's always saying how happy he seems with me. Gloat gloat gloat.
But I digress with all this gloating. (feels GREAT though!) ahahaha
Look, I never said I was Mother Teresa. *grins*
Anyway, I think it makes a difference too when it's an old friend and a different gender, like Angus' friend and Dan's friend. But if Dan made a female friend today, uh...how about, "NO!"
Like...OVER MY DEAD BODY "NO"!
And I know damn well Dan wouldn't permit me to have a new male friend either. Hell, Dan doesn't like me getting my nails done by a male manicurist!
"But babe...all the girls were busy and he's like 4 foot 2 and doesn't speak English; SOOOO not my type, hon!"
"I don't care, Amber, I don't like the idea of another man touching you!"
Okey-Dokey! heheheh
I made sure when I bought us both massages for our anniversary a while back that he had a male masseuse so...I "get" it. Heh.
But we both have old, established friends of opposite genders that we made years before we met each other. That's understandable.
Go ahead and be a little jealous, Helen. I don't think the kind of jealousy you're describing is unhealthy at all; it speaks of your love for Angus.
And that's VERY healthy indeed!
Posted by: The other Amber at April 05, 2007 05:25 PM (zQE5D)
10
I understand that completely. I used to be jealous, even though mr. kenju never gave me reason to be. But I was jealous of women who flirted with him, even though he didn't respond to them (at least in my presence). But if he had a woman friend like Jill, I wouldn't like it, not because I would think something might happen, but because he allowed her to speak to him like that and get away with it. The best thing you can do about that is to ignore it; otherwise, it might rile you up unnecessarily. Good luck.
Posted by: kenju at April 05, 2007 11:28 PM (DBvE5)
11
Bloody hell Helen ! I had to read this entry through twice to fully understand it and for it to sink in.
Well done for recognising the signs of jealousy and for telling Angus (and all of us too). You seem to have made good progress in your state of mind (hope this doesn't read too patronising).
I do agree with some of the other posters. You are number 1 in Angus' life and he in yours. You don't have to like all of his friends, at least you are honest with Angus instead of bottling it all up and exploding when it gets too much.
It may seem unfair that they have this relationship where the rules appear different to the rules between you and him, but you know she is no threat and it's great that you will deal with it the best way you can. She goes home to Sweden next week, you'll still be at home with Angus.
Would it appear rude to go out with some of your friends while she visits ? Even if it was for one night only ?
Have a great weekend and keep the green eyed monster under firm control
Robin
Posted by: robin h at April 06, 2007 03:27 PM (VwhES)
12
I can totally relate to many things in this post. I too have been jealous. In my last relationship, with EXBF, I was insecure, I felt unsafe, and I was jealous. He had many female friends and he often prioritzed them, along with many other people, events, and things, over me. I never thought he would cheat, but I was aware that he did not draw healthy boundaries, he was emtoionally intimate with them, and he shared things about our relationship with them. For example, several times when we were fighting, I learned that he had discussed it all with them. Of course they "poor babied" him and blamed me, and I really didn't appreciate it.
I hadn't been jealous before him and now that he's gone it's such a relief to not be eaten up by that emotion any longer. I don't want to feel jealous in the future, but I guess a little jealosy might be par for the course. I mean I think it would be incredibly difficult to have no feelings of jealousy whatsoever, but maybe that just means that I too have a long way to go.
I think it's great you're opening up your home to Angus's childhood friend. It seems clear that you're not threated by her and are not jealous of HER. And it makes sense to me that you would feel a little miffed if suddenly when his friend is on the scene he starts being less attentive to wards you. I would not be happy about that. He should be doing what he can to make you feel totally secure with his friendship, and even in the presence of a friend that he cares for, he should be able to put you first. Just my opinion on the subject.
Good luck with the visit!
Posted by: Buttercup at April 07, 2007 12:37 AM (n2s7N)
13
... wow.... well put, Helen....... I've had my own issues along those lines as well..... some things are just hard to work through in your head.....
Posted by: Eric at April 14, 2007 12:33 PM (NlzwQ)
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April 04, 2007
The Shape of Things
This post might not make much sense, but I'm currently a jumble of emotions, thoughts, and memories. So maybe it's more for me than anyone else but I need to disconnect the brain and hands for a bit and let some things out.
My dad and stepmother just left and the house is sadly quiet now. Gorby - having lost his companion in dad - is sulking in his dog bed. Angus had to go in to work for a bit and I'm at home looking out the windows, feeling like I forgot something somewhere - I left the oven on, I need to bring the laundry in, I'm meant to be on a conference call...something like that.
Angus and my family arranged my surprise birthday visit back in January so that my family would be able to arrange their crazy flight schedules accordingly. They can never change things on short notice as their jobs don't permit for such, so the fact that this has been planned for so long touches me greatly. I absolutely loved having them here and I can't wait until they come back and visit again.
The relationship I have with my father is a whole new territory for me. As a young child I adored him, I loved him, I wanted him in my life so much, but this ended shortly after I turned 8 and my parents divorced. My childhood idolatry of the man I knew as "Daddy" ended then, with the harsh reality of poverty and preferences - namely that his preferences were to be elsewhere, instead of us.
When my parents got back together all parties had changed. "Daddy" had disappeared, and in his place I had intalled The Man to Butt Heads With. I was hard and broken inside, and it was the start to many years of battling between my father and myself. I could never forgive, even when I would later commit those same offenses myself.
My father was never a good father. He really wasn't, and I'm not having a go here at him, he even admits that he was a terrible father. He was never around and when he was he was volatile as hell. His career was the most important thing in his life and his emotional repsonsibilities to his family were far down the list. I often felt like I was an inconvenience, a nuisance, a hassle. He struggled with himself, he struggled with us, he struggled. I, in turn, struggled with him. He was never "my" dad in my mind, he was my sister's. Ever the golden child on both sides of the fence - even my mother admitted to me once that my sister was her favorite, which is always a wise thing to tell a child - I always felt like the darkest of the black sheep, the one who honestly should never have been born. We once went three years without talking, and I guess the emotional distances from all of our pasts was something that we thought would serve some of us again, as now years later most of us don't speak anymore.
I could be all I'm OK You're OK and blame my parents for handling things badly. I could blame myself for handling myself and the situation badly. There are all kinds of ways to throw all kinds of blame, but at the end of the day people need to take account for their actions, and even more so rehashing the past will get us nowhere. I don't see the point in dwelling anymore - thanks to therapy, I try to let things go and not spend all my time immaturely running around appointing blame. Because the truth is, in the split-up of a grown-up family, everyone is to blame. We all came at things with pinking shears, on every side of the fence.
Only some fences in my life, they got mended.
My dad and I started talking very occasionally when I moved to England. It wasn't regular, but we were pleasant on the phone to each other. W weren't that close, and Angus used to remark we talked on the phone more like friends than father-daughter. I didn't confide things in him and I didn't let him too far in my life, but he was on the periphery.
When we miscarried last year it was bigger than either Angus or I could handle. I didn't know why at the time but I wanted to talk to my dad, and I never talked to him about matters of the heart. I couldn't even really talk to him about the miscarriage, I just wanted him around. So after he visited my sister and her child in Texas (to be fair to both of us he saw us both), he came out here.
And we've been close since then.
We've been father-daughter, even.
We talked often between August and Christmas, and at Christmas Angus installed Skype on all of their computers and we all now speak several times a week.
Angus, for his part, has been ultra-supportive. He interacts often with both my father and stepmother and thinks this relationship we have is so important. He - like all of us - works hard to make sure everything stays on course. He and my father wants the relationship between the other side of my family and myself to heal too, but that's just not going to happen.
My dad has changed so much from when I was younger that he's not even the same person. He and my stepmother have a very respectful, very caring relationship, and I have found her to be honestly an amazing and wonderful person - she never had a chance to be close to any of us because it wouldn't have been tolerated, and I have apologized to her for that. I was wrong.
Dad and I talked about the past from time to time and on this visit we covered off some things that maybe needed to be talked about. We both apologized for things that happened in the past, and we openly and honestly admitted where we went wrong, where we regret, and where we wish things had been different. The other side of the family is different-everything is all my fault, always has been, probably always will be, I'm the worst kind of despicable human beings, so it's a relief to find someone that doesn't want to spin their wheels with how horrible a person I am. Maybe the truth is I am a bad person. Maybe the truth is my mother and sister will never be happy until they resolve their internal bitterness.
But I hope and wish for happiness in my dad's life. The funny thing is, I've learnt that love gets bigger as you spread it around. I know my dad isn't limited to only being in my life, I may not like the person but I honestly hope and wish that he will be allowed into that other person's life, simply because it would make him happy. I understand that's not the case right now, and I know that my dad would be a great asset to the other person's world.
That's something that Angus taught me.
Love isn't a clique, it's not a fierce loyalty spending card.
As cheesy as it sounds, love is a gift with endless depth and resources.
So I had my dad and stepmother here, and I loved every minute of it. I got to spend my birthday with them. They got to meet most of Angus' family, and I'm delighted that my family and his family gets on very well. They came to stay with us for a few days, and Dad walked the dog, we all had meals together, we relaxed and laughed.
And I got to tell them some of the best news we have had in a long time. Last week in my therapy appointment, I got some of the most rewarding news ever - from my therapists' professional and clinical opinion, I am now out of the high-risk category. My BPD and I are healing, to the point where I am now officially no longer ruled a suicide risk. My therapist said that my entire world can collapse in every way, shape, and form, and yet I will make it, that I am strong enough and able enough, that inside parts of me are healed even though other parts remain broken.
People make mistakes.
People recover from their mistakes.
Having a dad is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I feel like I finally have a family, and it's a family that is healthy, loving, and supportive, no matter what. My dad has only been a major part of my life for the past 8 months, and if I lost him tomorrow I would mourn him forever and ever, but I will never regret that we have become close.
It only took 32 years.
-H.
PS-I realize that the Texas side of my family obsessively reads both of my blogs (which is very disappointing and extremely pathetic and sad in a control freak kind of way.) I didn't write this for you, though, and I didn't write it to hurt you. I wrote it for me. I wish you'd just go away from here and give me my privacy, but I guess you will never truly leave me alone, so I make my peace in other ways.
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1
Congrats H, I'm very happy for you...
Posted by: Clancy at April 04, 2007 01:23 PM (X+xFB)
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so glad that you had the chance to have the relationship with your dad that you've always wanted
Posted by: geeky at April 04, 2007 01:37 PM (ziVl9)
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i too am still obsessively reading! I am so pleased for you Helen.
Cheering you on from the cheap seats as always,
Abs xxxx
Posted by: abs at April 04, 2007 01:44 PM (+gJH8)
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I'm so glad you had a fantastic birthday and built more bridges with your dad. The relationships we have with our parents can be tough to maintain but when it works, the feeling is great.
I'm so pleased for you and here's to a very happy 33rd year!!
Posted by: Suzie at April 04, 2007 01:56 PM (YqqaU)
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Sometimes I wish I could have that kind of relationship with my father... And Congrats!
Posted by: amber at April 04, 2007 02:02 PM (HCbA1)
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Happy bleated 33rd buddy. I hope the coming year brings peace of mind, peace of heart and all of the fortunes that you've been dreaming of.
Posted by: wn at April 04, 2007 02:05 PM (mcjyn)
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Looking at that picture, you and your dad have the exact same smile. It's good to see you both smile.
I too hope things with the Texans will mend both for you and your dad. It may seem like a "never" kind of thing, but 2 years ago so did mending things with your dad. Forgiveness (both giving and getting) is a glorious thing. Tru dat? Double true!!
Yeah, I stole that from Saturday Night Live's "Lazy Sunday"...funny stuff.
Posted by: Solomon at April 04, 2007 02:26 PM (x+GoF)
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Congratulations, Miz H! I'm so very happy for you. The progress you're making, your relationships with your father and Angus, and most of all, your relationship with yourself. I often think of your tremendous courage to delve into the dark places and it gives me heart to peek at my own monsters. You're taking responsibility for yourself--and only yourself, as is proper--and you're finding peace. I'm delighted for you. ::squee happy dance::
best,
L
Posted by: lynD at April 04, 2007 02:31 PM (2F9Ak)
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I'm so happy for you that you have made peace. So many times we don't until it becomes too late, then our world is full of regret. You have such a bright future! Contrats on the therapy "promotion". You've worked very hard for it.
Posted by: sue at April 04, 2007 02:40 PM (WbfZD)
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beautiful post and sentiments. thanks for sharing it. and so glad to hear of your progress in therapy. that's wonderful!
Posted by: becky at April 04, 2007 04:30 PM (jv5jW)
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You know my take on the whole thing....
Posted by: statia at April 04, 2007 04:30 PM (KcrOI)
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First, ten thousand congrats for your progress in therapy! At my last appointment my therapist informed me that I too am "out of the woods" for suicide and dark tendencies of self-destruction, and I know first hand how great, amazing, and truly remarkable that is. To have, finally, a positive feeling surge through your body, and to know that things can and will get better-it is just so wonderful, there really is no words for it. I am proud of you-that it is a huge milestone.
Second, the relationship I have with my mother is one of everything is my fault, I am the problem, etc., and my only saving grace in life was my dad-but he was a raging drunk until I was 14, so he wasn't always much help. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that your mom and sister will never be happy until they deal with their own internal bitterness. I talk to my mom all the time, and live less then two miles from her-but that does not mean we are close. Most of my therapy sessions concern my mom, or rather how to cope with her-because like the therapist says, she will never be the mom I want her to be, because she refuses to deal with what is happening to her and deal with her past. This is an awful truth to face-I so badly want her to be the mom I want, and as I heal I want it more and more. However, the catch is the more I heal the more I am leaving her behind, because I can no longer allow her to drag me down, and I can also no longer be responsible for her shit-past and present. As you have found with your dad, forgiveness is a two-way street, and I am so happy that you have found him again. It is truly amazing.
Third (and last, I promise!), leaving the past behind is tough. I know you are well aware that there is always plenty of blame to go around, and the need to have people take responsiblity for their past actions, and the frustration when they won't. It is hard to just walk away from that. I struggle with it every day, but you have the right attitude. Making peace with what you can, and not letting what you can't get in the way of that. That is some heavy, heavy stuff-and you are doing it. That is beyond incredible. I am so happy for you in so many ways...
Posted by: Teresa at April 04, 2007 04:38 PM (0o+Hu)
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This made me cry.
I love my father. I can't imagine my life without him in it, though sadly I probably will at some point have to. However, the relationship my mother and I have is very volatile and would be nonexistant if not for my father.
Peace is hard to make, with yourself and with others. That's great news that you are out of the high risk cat now. So many of your posts make my heart go out to you, even if I only know you thru the cyber world. Enjoy the good in your life, you earned 'em and it's all those little moments that will stay with you the longest.
*side note: Did I already tell you that Angus rocks?
Posted by: Angela at April 04, 2007 05:28 PM (wi+Vy)
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As always, your writing touches me. You know what my favorite part of that photo is of you and your Dad? The way he is looking at you.
Congrats. . . and happy birthday, again.
Posted by: Deborah at April 04, 2007 05:45 PM (GOFVL)
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So brave of you to post what is something essentially private. Congratulations on achieving the relationship you've always wanted with your father, and if others don't like it - tough!
Posted by: Akelamalu at April 04, 2007 05:46 PM (yYcju)
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It made me cry too. That photo is so wonderful; he is looking at you with such an expression of pride and love on his face. I am truly happy for you, and I am pleased to know what your therapist said. I never doubted it for a moment.
Posted by: kenju at April 04, 2007 06:55 PM (DBvE5)
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That's a great lesson Angus helped you with.
And I love it that you can admit it when you make mistakes, own up to them and apologize when it's due. I don't think there is anything more important than that ability, really I don't.
Kudos to YOU, kiddo!
Posted by: The other Amber at April 04, 2007 08:13 PM (zQE5D)
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I'm glad you're feeling loved. By Angus, your dad and step-mom, Gorby, yourself.
The eleventybillion people online, lol.
Posted by: Lindsay at April 04, 2007 09:10 PM (mHNC3)
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You've made me cry.
There's nothing quite like a second chance at having a dad. I was lucky enough to get one of those, too, after my paternal grandfather died, and I swear, despite some tough things it's been one of the best choices I ever made.
I am so happy for you and Daddy-Helen, and for you and Stepmother-Helen as well. (That's a bridge I've yet to rebuild.)
And, congratulations on your progress with therapy. That is huge--bigger than a baby elephant.
Posted by: Marian at April 04, 2007 09:56 PM (ZD4nv)
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So, I'm the newbie, the one trying to catch up 5 years in a month. But your posts: happy, sad, silly, sexy, big, small, and in between have become part of my daily routine. You are so unflinchingly honest, I just really respect and admire that...Try this cheesy line on for size: consider yourself a role model young lady. Or at least a long-distance partner in crime.
Posted by: Amanda at April 05, 2007 12:00 AM (B5c+c)
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Happy Birthday and congratulations on making progress on multiple fronts. Having a difficult relationship with my dad, I am really happy to hear that you've been able to build something new with yours. Gives me hope!
Posted by: felicity at April 05, 2007 01:00 AM (w8WJH)
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April 02, 2007
Seymour and More
I only have a moment, so here goes:
Seymour arrived with great fanfare late Friday (read: me jumping up and down in the pouring rain with glee.)
Seymour is a fabulous wooden outdoor table and chairs, complete with comfy cushions (not seen in this photo as they arrived later.)
I absolutely love it. I thought Angus outdid himself with the fantasticness of the gift. I adore Seymour (and yes, it will be called Seymour).
But then more came.
Saturday, after a day of frenzied cleaning and some minor arguments, I came back from a short shopping round to a sparkly Angus. He told me to pack things for two nights, and put them on the bed. When I looked again, a suitcase was packed. We dropped Gorby off at the kennel and went for a Mystery Tour.
I had no idea what was going on.
We drove into London, and pulled up at a nice hotel on Gloucester Road. He asked me to take a walk with him, and we went to the National Science Museum. He asked me to stand by a barrier and hold still for a picture. I did so, then he asked me if I wanted to see the picture. So I walked up to him and looked at the back of the viewscreen of the digital camera.
more...
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1
That's just beautiful. Happy Birthday, sweetheart (I'm sorry I'm late, I knew it was your birthday, I. . .aw hell. No excuses.) What a lovely, lovely present!! Great job, there, Angus! You rock!
Posted by: jUST mE at April 02, 2007 03:57 PM (Ufv2R)
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what a fabulous, wonderful birthday! Continue to enjoy.
Posted by: sophie at April 02, 2007 04:14 PM (1HOa8)
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OHHHH! You all look so happy! Wonderful!
Happy Birthday Helen!
Posted by: Amber at April 02, 2007 04:15 PM (zQE5D)
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WOW!!!!
I couldn't be happier for you!
Posted by: BeachGirl at April 02, 2007 04:16 PM (ncD2U)
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That so rocks, what a fantastic Fiancee! enjoy your week.
Posted by: Cheryl at April 02, 2007 04:18 PM (WWLXT)
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Fabulous! I'm super excited for you!!
Posted by: Shannon at April 02, 2007 04:24 PM (d4Qtn)
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Holy F**k! Well, that is about the bestest birthday I could think of!
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: caltechgirl at April 02, 2007 04:30 PM (r0kgl)
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Awww Hooray! What a fantastic birthday surprise!!!
Posted by: Laura at April 02, 2007 04:31 PM (5BKDs)
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How cool! I hope you had an amazing birthday! Angus is going to have to work really hard to top himself next year
Posted by: Katy at April 02, 2007 04:32 PM (LfFQ2)
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Hey Helen,
It's incredible, I got tears in my eyes when I saw today's post... I don't have any words right now.... it's just so incredible that someone would do such a thing for you.
Enjoy it to the fullest.
Posted by: zapio at April 02, 2007 04:38 PM (ejsCH)
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I am more in awe of Angus than ever. What a fabulous gift-for all of you really.
Seymour is fabulous. Looks like a great spot to sit and relax come warm weather.
Sounds like a great birthday was had! Enjoy!!!
Posted by: Teresa at April 02, 2007 04:40 PM (UWUbu)
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ok, i was totally prepared to be disappointed when you didn't get a real elephant, but that is the awesomest surprise EVER. will you ask angus to write a book, so i can give it to my husband to read?
Posted by: geeky at April 02, 2007 04:45 PM (ziVl9)
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That's better than an elephant any day! Well done Angus!
Posted by: Akelamalu at April 02, 2007 04:50 PM (aLXwI)
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Angus is the coolest...............
Posted by: Teri at April 02, 2007 04:51 PM (eMWiA)
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Happy Brithday!
And a big MuNu YAY! for Angus.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 02, 2007 05:00 PM (UquFN)
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You are one lucky lil' lady. That Angus is a keeper!!!!! Happy Birthday Helen I hope you had a fantastic weekend celebration!
Posted by: Heidi at April 02, 2007 05:03 PM (Mhm8T)
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Oh, wow, that just makes me beam with happiness for you! Angus is a keeper - that's for certain! Happiest of birthdays to you - No foolin!
And enjoy Seymour!
Posted by: Kellie at April 02, 2007 05:10 PM (ur+d9)
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Holy shit! Now that's what I call a birthday!
The table and chairs are lovely!! Many summer dinners outside are in your future. What? I read your palm...
The holy shit was for the visitors.
I am proud that Angus could hold it together andnot spill the beans that they were going to be standing right behind you. That is one hell of a sneaky guy! Not to mention your dad and step mom!
I am horrible when it comes to surprises and presents. As soon as I get them I either want to tell the person or give it to them right away.
Happy Birthday (again)!!
Posted by: Michele at April 02, 2007 05:13 PM (5VGFA)
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LOL, way to go Angus! Happy belated btw. How long did it take to register that they were there lol?
Posted by: justme at April 02, 2007 05:16 PM (4L54J)
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happy birthday dear helen!! what a lovely surprise! cheers to you and angus! :-)
Posted by: leah at April 02, 2007 05:17 PM (Msku8)
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I'm crying now, that is such a great birthday surprise! And how he managed to pull it all off is amazing. I hope you are enjoying the rest of your visit with your parents.
Posted by: donna at April 02, 2007 05:26 PM (Np8VQ)
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Had a feeling - but I thought for sure they'd be the package in your driveway. Don't know why.
Have a FANTASTIC! time.
Posted by: cursingmama at April 02, 2007 05:37 PM (PoQfr)
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Glad you had a happy birthday.
Posted by: Fred at April 02, 2007 05:43 PM (G80Bw)
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That's so incredible!! Yes a baby elephant would have been cool, but all the arrangements Angus & your dad had to make.... that is awesome. Enjoy your time together.
I would have probably looked at the picture and been "wow, those people look a lot like...oh. damn."
Happy birthday dear girl!
Posted by: Angela at April 02, 2007 06:19 PM (CfX1n)
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Yes, Angus does indeed ROCK!
Happy Belated Birthday Helen!
Posted by: kimmykins13 at April 02, 2007 06:20 PM (HUKlZ)
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wow. tell Angus he rocks!
and happy birthday!
Posted by: sarahk at April 02, 2007 06:28 PM (QLpkT)
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Can we clone Angus? How fabulous is all that? Seymour is perfect and seeing your dad and stepmom again is wonderful!
Posted by: kenju at April 02, 2007 08:21 PM (DBvE5)
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Wow! That's absolutely fantastic! I'm so glad you had a good birthday and enjoy having your parents with you for a few days. I'm so chuffed for you!!
)
Posted by: Suzie at April 02, 2007 08:25 PM (05nxT)
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That's such a perfect birthday present. Well done, Angus! Elephants are cute, especially baby elephants. But then there'd be all that poo everywhere..Seymour and your family, they're definitely more hygenic.
Posted by: Lindsay at April 02, 2007 09:05 PM (mHNC3)
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Wow...THAT is Cool!!! And a masterpiece of surprise-coordination.
Posted by: maolcolm at April 02, 2007 10:32 PM (E5IBK)
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Wow. That is the stuff of cheesy movies and novels! I didn't think that sort of thing happened in real life - what a truly happy birthday! So, how WAS the pumpkin coach into London?
Posted by: ZTZCheese at April 02, 2007 10:38 PM (JrfT4)
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You know what was weird. I woke up on April 1st and instead of thinking about short sheeting someone or other silly antics, I thought about you and wondered if you were having a happy birthday. I remembered your birthday and I don't even know you--I mean I do, but I don't...
Just sharing.
Looks like your are going to have a fantastic birthday week.
Posted by: Marie at April 02, 2007 10:52 PM (GKiUj)
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Wow - truly amazing. Congratulations! Lap up all the joy of it.
Posted by: loribo at April 03, 2007 05:34 AM (MY7JG)
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That is the coolest! Angus is awesome and so are your dad and stepmom! Happy belated bday!
Posted by: Lee at April 03, 2007 08:36 AM (lN4Rc)
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What an awesome birthday. You totally deserve it too.
Posted by: Minawolf at April 03, 2007 01:07 PM (svbR5)
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That Angus is a keeper!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jilly at April 03, 2007 01:14 PM (vy163)
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That Angus is a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Jilly at April 03, 2007 01:15 PM (vy163)
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What a fantastic surprise! He's a keeper...
Posted by: sue at April 03, 2007 02:58 PM (WbfZD)
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Oh wow, Helen, that is absolutely wonderful!!! =)
Fantastic birthday gifts, indeed!
Posted by: Amanda at April 03, 2007 03:41 PM (Yc9Qw)
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Obviously Angus has been studying his fiance how-to guide...
Well done!
Posted by: Amanda at April 03, 2007 07:49 PM (B5c+c)
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Seymour is fantastic; what a great batch of surprises between Seymour and your family. Way to go, Angus! (And once more, happy birthday, Helen.)
Posted by: Marian at April 03, 2007 09:16 PM (ZD4nv)
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Another thing: you've talked about being a longhair girl in previous posts, but cutting it short, and WOW does your hair look long in the photo. You wear it well.
Posted by: Marian at April 03, 2007 09:18 PM (ZD4nv)
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awesome!!! happy bday, ur one lucky girl!
Posted by: danielle at April 03, 2007 10:47 PM (C2/b8)
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for some thuings there is money.... for everything else there is love....
best always Helen!!!!!!
Posted by: LarryConley at April 04, 2007 04:37 AM (rde5x)
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March 30, 2007
What Time Does My Baby Elephant Arrive?
So Sunday is my birthday.
No, that's not a joke.
I have NEVER enjoyed having a birthday located squarely on April Fool's Day, and apparently there was no chance of me even saying I cut it close-if I remember correctly from my baby album, I was born at about 2:00 in the afternoon, so I am indeed an April Fool's Day baby. There isn't a crack about April Fool's Day babies that you could make that I haven't heard, either, despite people always being willing to give it a try.
I have no idea what's planned for the day, only I can't help but feel something's planned, mostly because Angus has this undeniable sparkle in his eye as he denies all knowledge of anything planned. I love that I can read him like that, but at the same time it pisses me off that I can read him, but I can't see into the innermost reaches of his soul and find out what - if anything - has been planned. To be honest, nothing has to be planned - I'm just feeling a bit needy and would like some reassurance time.
It must be so great to be with someone with issues.
Angus asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, and I laid out my dream scenario:
- 5-star hotel.
- Champagne.
- Massage and facial.
- A great round of sex.
- Then all of CSI Season 6 on DVD while I'm laying chilled out on the 5-star hotel bed.
- Dinner of a great food (of course, my fave is mac and cheese, but I could admit that I should bring my game up a little for my birthday and all.)
- Falling asleep after an hour of him telling me how wonderful our relationship is and that time started moving finally the day he met me, or some such romantic shit in a similar vein.
I would've included something about John Cusack, but that's just unrealistic.
But barring any of that happening, I'd settle for:
- Him walking the dog so I can sleep in.
- A great round of sex.
- Him not trying to talk like an American at all for one day (he still sounds like someone battling a case of outrageous hemorrhoids when he tries to imitate us, so a day of not thinking about Preparation-H would be ok with me.)
- A nice meal.
- Loads of voluntary cuddles and compliments.
My stepmother keeps wondering what kind of cake I'll be having. Truthfully, Angus and I usually don't make each other cakes-that was a big thing he and his ex did, but honestly, most of the time I can take or leave cake. I honestly can't stand frosting and never have done, so when I was younger we always had Baskin Robbins' Ice Cream cakes. Ice cream? Good. Cake? Good. Ice cream frosting? Good. The ice cream cakes isn't really an option here, so I told him that ice cream sundaes instead of cake would be ok this weekend, too.
I've specifically requested no English birthday cake. Again, England is fantastic in many, many ways. They have (after many years of abuse) gained a great reputation in food, and I love many English dishes. But one thing I can't stand here is the cake-for Christmas, weddings, and Christenings they have that heavy, heavy fruitcake. For birthdays and other celebrations, they have a kind of "fruit cake lite".
I won't go near fruitcake.
Like frosting, I have never liked the stuff.
Fruitcake is banned from the birthday weekend (although maybe I'll make it for him, as he likes the stuff.)
So I'm Cake Neutral. Although weirdly, lately I've been craving yellow cake with the world's thinnest layer of chocolate frosting. This is seriously out of character for me because 1) I don't really like cake and 2) in case I haven't been clear, I can't stand frosting. He found a recipe for it online (you can't buy the mix here. In fact, there are only one or two mixes you can buy here, so anytime I've made a cake I've made it from scratch. It's more fun that you might imagine, actually, in a "god the flour exploded" kind of way.) So we'll see. I'm good either way-cake or no cake.
Apparently my birthday present arrives today, too, because Angus said that was the closest he could arrange it to my birthday. I gave him a list of what I'd like for my birthday, and I'm relatively certain it's not something like a new fridge or a new dishwasher, mostly because our appliances are still new but also because he is under strict instructions that he is never to buy me an appliance for a gift. This came about as his sister-in-law got an iron from his brother one year, and the other sister-in-law got a juicer (despite the fact that she hates cooking and anything to do with it.) I do not feel that appliances are appropriate presents in any way, shape or form. If I need an iron I'll fucking buy one. If Santa brings me one, he better take a running start because it's going airborne.)
(The one exception to that rule is this. I'd love to have one. I'd worship it for the rest of my life. No one would be in trouble if I got one, although there's a good chance everything we'd eat for a long period of time would have meringue on it, and I hate meringue, I'd make it just because.)
But my present is coming today.
And my present is big.
Very big.
He said that the delivery truck will be by anytime between 8 and 6 today. As he has a meeting this afternoon, if it arrives while he's out I'm to ask the guys to put it in the driveway, although apparently I'll know what it is right away.
I'm convinced it's that baby elephant I've always wanted. I'll name him Seymour, and I'll let Maggie and Mumin ride on him. He'll be so happy here, and I'll punch anyone in the throat that tries to call him Dumbo because I don't want Seymour to have a self-esteem problem.
The baby elephant theme is riding high in our house. I keep asking Angus when my baby elephant arrives, and he keeps rolling his eyes. The truth is, I'm not good with surprises-I hate knowing if one is coming, I'd rather just live my life cluelessly in the dark until something springs up. Warning me that a surprise is coming is like torturing a lactose-intolerant cheese lover with a visit to Neal's Yard.
So there you have it.
On Sunday, I have the unremarkable birthday of 33, which doesn't feel either old or young, I just accept that it is (I love existentialism).
Today, my baby elephant arrives.
Life doesn't get much better than this.
-H.
PS-it's a day early, but it is a tradition, so happy birthday, Mitzi!
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1
The first boy (I saw boy because we were both 7) I ever had a crush on had an April Fool's Birthday. So I could never make fun of that day anyway.
Have a great Birthday weekend and I can't wait to hear about your baby elephant
Posted by: Minawolf at March 30, 2007 12:22 PM (svbR5)
2
I will celebrate your birthday with a beer while sitting in the stands watching my Cardinals start to defend their World Series title.
A birthday on Opening Day. It really doesn't get much better than that!
Posted by: ~Easy at March 30, 2007 01:02 PM (G5FSP)
3
Hope you have a great birthday weekend, your idea of a birthday weekend scenerio sounds pretty perfect to me so I hope it gets as close to that as possible.
Looking forward to hearing about the baby elephant!!
Happy Birthday for Sunday.
Posted by: Suzie at March 30, 2007 01:18 PM (YqqaU)
4
Has Seymour arrived yet?
Have a great birthday weekend.
Posted by: Akelamalu at March 30, 2007 01:36 PM (EpuXp)
5
Happy Birthday! And you are no fool.
Can't wait to find out what the big gift is.
33 rocks-although I am leaving it behind in a few short months. Have a great weekend babe!
Posted by: Teresa at March 30, 2007 01:41 PM (qQJo6)
6
i'm just like you when it comes to surprises. i'd rather not know it's coming, because the wait is TORTURE. so of course, everyone tells me when i'm getting a surprise as far in advance as possible (see: my mom telling me about my surprise wedding gift 6 MONTHS before i would get it).
but anyway. happy, happy birthday to you! i can't wait to see your baby elephant
Posted by: geeky at March 30, 2007 02:04 PM (ziVl9)
7
Oh, a baby elefant!? I've always wanted one of those. (P.S. I just realized I typed "elefant" instead of "elephant" and I squarely place the blame on years of Spanish and German. I spell things quite funky now.)
I hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend.
Posted by: Jen(aside) at March 30, 2007 02:07 PM (u973k)
8
Aw, I want a Seymour!
Happy Early Birthday, because I'm trying to hold to my "no internet on the weekends" vow.
Posted by: amber at March 30, 2007 02:14 PM (+QIvh)
9
Happy Birthday Helen! We'll be celebrating my FIL birthday on Sunday too; he doesn't think its the best day for a birthday either.
Hopeing against hope that you will give us Flickr addicts a picture when the elephant arrives!
Posted by: cursingmama at March 30, 2007 02:28 PM (PoQfr)
10
I must have something wrong with me. People can tell me they have a surprise for me and I'm like, "Okay." No torture. I've never shaken a Christmas present before Christmas morning. I've never tried to find and peek at my birthday presents. Taunting me doesn't work. And yet, I'm totally nosy about
other people's stuff. That's right. I'm the girl going through your medicine cabinet at dinner parties.
I hope you get your baby elephant.
Posted by: amy t. at March 30, 2007 02:44 PM (3dOTd)
11
Happy Birthday Helen....I wish I were 33 again
Posted by: Heidi at March 30, 2007 03:17 PM (iDWYi)
12
Happy Birthday!!
Ooh... a baby elephant, I promise I won't call it "Dumbo" if you send pictures:-)
I suck at suprises too... I still shake the presents, and sneak a peak in my stocking, but I've gotten pretty good at guessing.
Posted by: Angela at March 30, 2007 03:49 PM (wi+Vy)
13
i'm the same way with surprises. Knowing he had a ring and not knowing when I was going to get it nearly killed me--and it wasn't about being engaged.
Hope Seymour arrives safe and sound. I love elephants, but we currently don't have enough room for one--even a baby.
Happy Helen Day, hope it unravels marvelously!
Posted by: sophie at March 30, 2007 04:23 PM (1HOa8)
14
Happy Almost-Birthday, Sweetie--I hope your next 33 years are fabu.
Posted by: Deb at March 30, 2007 05:34 PM (v2b6T)
15
Happy Early Birthday! I hope your big surprise lives up to your anticipation!
Have a lovely birthday weekend, too.
Posted by: caltechgirl at March 30, 2007 06:01 PM (r0kgl)
16
Ooooooh!! ::: clapping hands excitedly ::: A baby elephant! Seymour! Perfect.
I remember 33 like it was... well, several years ago. Heh. April 1st is no longer April Fool's Day to me (although occasionally I wonder...) because that's the day my stepson came home to live with my husband and me. I like surprises, but not if I don't know they're coming - I get horribly overwhelmed. I'd much rather know there's a surprise in the offing than be truly surprised. Weird, I know. But it's me. I hope your birthday is everything you'd like it to be and much, much more.
Posted by: Lisa at March 31, 2007 02:09 AM (ELUjU)
17
You'll know it when you get it? Sounds like a car to me. Maybe it'll come with a little elephant bobble head?
Posted by: Robert at March 31, 2007 04:16 AM (uV3Pe)
18
ok. here it is. your birthday surprise will be...
Lloyd Fricking Dobler... standing on top of the baby elephant holding his big ass boom box above his fricking head while Peet-ahh Gaybree-ul wails his fricking sickly sentimental super-hit and annoying the fuck out of the neighbors because it will arrive at two O'clock in the fricking morning!
Uhh..Happy birthday.
p.s just saw that movie. got some cool points in that it was supposedly set in Seattle and the Cusack sibs were both in it.
Posted by: j.m at March 31, 2007 04:26 AM (0KGz0)
19
LOL, an iron or a juicer as a present looks really cool and thoughtful compared to what my Gran gave my Mum for Xmas one year...
There was this really big parcel, very lumpy and exciting looking, we were all wondering what on earth it could be! Mum ripped off the paper, expecting something fsbuloud, to discover... A roller towel holder and a couple of roller towels. I don't think she spoke to Gran for the rest of the day!
I'm sure your present will be something that you actually want, and can't wait to hear what the surprise is!
Happy Birthday for tomorrow.
Posted by: Maggie at March 31, 2007 12:41 PM (J7P8D)
20
Well...as it's now offically April first where you are, let me wish you good health, long life, and the happiest of birthdays.
Posted by: maolcolm at April 01, 2007 12:21 AM (e7006)
21
Have a wonderful birthday! I hope you get your baby elephant - but I don't think that Maggie and Mumin want to ride him.
Posted by: kenju at April 01, 2007 04:08 AM (sXv99)
22
Ah, Lloyd Dobler. We've got a tiny bit of a Lloyd Dobler theme in our household— I introduced Evil Rob to that movie, which he promptly fell in love with, and before we were dating (but after he'd decided that he wanted to date me), I got him a still of the boom box moment, which is the moment when he'd realized he'd won.
And as for elephants, I once had a coworker who had a part of her lawn where nothing would grow, "because of the elephants" her neighbors always said. Apparently, when the circus used to come to town, that's where the elephants were, and the ground was packed too hard for stuff to grow.
At any rate, happy birthday. April Fool's has never been a big deal in my circle, so I wouldn't have realized it if you hadn't pointed it out. I just thought, Hey cool, another April birthday person!
Posted by: B. Durbin at April 01, 2007 04:20 AM (tie24)
23
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Helennnnn
Happy Birthday to you
~hugs~ and the best of birthday wishes.
Posted by: Mia at April 01, 2007 07:57 AM (Cyj6F)
24
Happy birthday, and many more. Give 'Seymour' my love!
Posted by: Marian at April 01, 2007 01:56 PM (ZD4nv)
25
Happy Birthday Helen. I hope this day is all you hoped for!
Posted by: Deb at April 01, 2007 02:20 PM (0lvli)
26
Happy Birthday, Helen! Can't wait to see what the "baby elephant" turns out to be! I'm sure because it is Angus' idea, it will be terrific.
Have a great day and a fantastic life - you know what they say about today being the first day!
Posted by: sue at April 01, 2007 02:45 PM (xwgYX)
27
Happy actual birthday! I can't wait to see pics of Seymour.
I hope your whole birthday weekend is wonderful.
Posted by: Lisa at April 01, 2007 05:12 PM (ELUjU)
28
Happy Birthday! I hope Seymour came with a giant pooper-scooper and jumbo bag of peanuts
Posted by: ZTZCheese at April 01, 2007 08:11 PM (JrfT4)
29
Suddenly I am worried that if Amy comes to visit me one day I'm going to have to hide all the good stuff. I don't know if I can have her knowing about my habits. Like...nair.
And Happy Birthday Helen! I hope the elephant is lots of fun.
Posted by: Some Girl at April 01, 2007 08:19 PM (4rJYf)
Posted by: jen-again at April 01, 2007 10:34 PM (8KuOF)
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at April 02, 2007 01:19 AM (0Pi1o)
32
As they sing among the Kindergarten set - Happy Birthday to you (CHA CHA CHA), Happy Birthday to YOUUUUUUU (CHA CHA CHA)....
April Fool's Day Birthdays happen to the most wonderfully wickedly brilliant people...
Like you.
Enjoy, enjoy!
Posted by: Elizabeth at April 02, 2007 04:13 AM (YFgUV)
33
Hope what Angus got you was better than what my bf got me. Nothing.
Posted by: Mitzi at April 02, 2007 11:09 AM (cB5ML)
34
Happy Birthday Helen!!! Can I have a ride on Seymour when I come to the U.K. in '09? I will bring mac and cheese and Cheese Nips!
Posted by: Mallory at April 02, 2007 01:39 PM (mLwaQ)
35
Hope you had a wonderful birthday!
Posted by: Amanda at April 02, 2007 01:43 PM (Yc9Qw)
36
Happy Birthday, Helen. Say hi to Seymour for me.
Posted by: physics geek at April 02, 2007 01:46 PM (KqeHJ)
37
Happy Birthday Helen!
I hope you had a wonderful day and I wish you a fantastic year!
Posted by: Laura at April 02, 2007 03:13 PM (5BKDs)
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