May 05, 2009

And the thing is...

To My Babies -

Last night I woke myself up shouting a number of times. I dreamt bad things were happening to you. My final dream this morning was the greatest of nightmares - I dreamt that you passed away and I was sorting through boxes of your clothes, unable to give anything away. I was shouting again and when I woke up I thought my nightmare was real for a few moments, and for those moments I lost more of myself than I ever thought possible. For those moments I didn't see any point in even getting out of bed. For those moments I didn't see any point to anything.

I had a rough week last week but the most important part of it all to me was that you never saw it. On Thursday night I had a very bad night indeed, but as I took a bath and tried to soak it all away I was so, so conscious that you were on the other side of that bathroom wall, sleeping snug in your cots, and there was no question in my mind that I would simply get on with things because you are there and you need me. You are one of the greatest motivators for me to be human, my Lemonheads.

The truth is, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Read you the same book 100 times.

Play horsey with you until my legs are burning.

Do round and round the garden until your hands are so tickling that you can't stand it.

But above all, I want to be the safest, warmest, most whole environment you can imagine. I want you to have a lovely childhood that you can someday take for granted. I want you to feel secure at every minute of every day.

I will make mistakes. I know I will. But when I make a mistake I will sit down on the floor with you and I will tell you that I love you and that I am sorry. I will admit my wrongs and we can work on making things right. I know I will screw up. It will hurt us both when I do. I'm already sorry for that. I'm pre-asking for your forgiveness.

You give me more than I can ever tell you. My beautiful girl, the way you see the world makes me see it all over again. Your facial expressions slay me, and this morning when you said "Papa" for the first time on Skype to your Papa, I'm not sure who was more proud, him or me. My beautiful boy, the way that you stay awake in bed for me to come do our ritual is so special to me. Your sister will fall asleep and you wait for me. When I come into your room I break our rules and pick you up and hold you up to the twinkling fairy lights. I kiss your neck and tell your spellbound face to say goodnight to the lights. When I put you back to bed you usually go to sleep right away.

I wonder if you know how much I want for you. I want everything for you, but above all things I want you to be happy and secure. I will be here for you forever, nothing will ever make me leave.

My baby boy, it's like I whisper to you every time you cry when I leave the room. When I come back into the room and pick you up and wipe your tears away I lean into your ear and whisper "It's ok, baby. Mummies don't leave, sweetheart."

Mummies don't leave.

Not this one.

Not ever.


Love,
Mummy.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:22 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 626 words, total size 3 kb.

1 They don't know how incredibly lucky they are. And as you say, hopefully they'll be able to take that for granted. I'm going to go cry now.

Posted by: Hannah at May 05, 2009 09:41 AM (V2CrS)

2 I'm going to bawl my eyes out once I find a quiet corner.

Posted by: D at May 05, 2009 12:25 PM (YxP6P)

3 If only every child felt that same love. Your children will pass on those same feelings for their children some day and it all started with you.

Posted by: Vicki at May 05, 2009 12:36 PM (HsOD+)

4 Hi there. Delurking to say that was a lovely post, one I can fully relate to. I have to say, that is the hardest thing. To admit when I have been wrong, to tell my kids that I am not perfect, that I am sorry when I have said or done the wrong thing, but I am so glad I can give that to them. I did not get it from my parents. I hope it makes a difference.

Posted by: Ali at May 05, 2009 01:22 PM (6cqQW)

5 Save this and re-read it when they're teens to remind yourself of why you let them live that long. *lol* Oh, and the first 100 times through the books are easy. It's the next 100 that get difficult. Especially when they have the book memorized and you can't skip any pages in Go Dog Go.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 05, 2009 01:25 PM (IVGWz)

6 thank you. i needed this today

Posted by: kim at May 05, 2009 01:54 PM (lG/7C)

7 I will make mistakes. I know I will. But when I make a mistake I will sit down on the floor with you and I will tell you that I love you and that I am sorry. I will admit my wrongs and we can work on making things right. I know I will screw up. It will hurt us both when I do. I'm already sorry for that. I'm pre-asking for your forgiveness. The other day I yelled at my oldest. After I apologized to him, I told him that I needed his help to be a better father. His reply? "Why? You're already a really great daddy." I mentally bought him his first car right then.

Posted by: physics geek at May 05, 2009 03:25 PM (MT22W)

8 It is so hard to a good parent. You already know that, so you are already doing better then most people. Its a whole new beginning.

Posted by: Teresa at May 05, 2009 05:03 PM (07Vt0)

9 Those dreams are terrible, it sometimes takes me hours to shake them off. Your letter is beautiful. To be printed and put in their albums, so they'll be able to read it, whatever happens.

Posted by: Vita at May 05, 2009 06:34 PM (fZwgf)

10 I wish we could keep them that safe forever, but watching them grow and learn to take care of themselves is a good compromise most days too. BTW, I love the flickr photo of the Lemonheads squished up against the glass door. I posted a similar one I took last fall if you'd like to drop by for a peek.

Posted by: Tinker at May 05, 2009 07:27 PM (rU3SM)

11 uggggh. wow.

Posted by: kellyangelo at May 05, 2009 07:55 PM (B83QB)

12 Tears here. You are a wonderful mom, Shannon. You really and truly are.

Posted by: April at May 05, 2009 09:21 PM (Ac9pW)

13 Worst dream I ever had was one in which H died and I was trying to get back to England for the funeral. Dreaming that about your babies? Oh, my dear Shannon. Hugs. Excuse me. Going to cry now.

Posted by: May at May 05, 2009 09:23 PM (3jesX)

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