So the weekend came and went, and now I sit here in my usual space-in front of the pc with my work email open and my headache present. I swapped Bird York for Howie Day this weekend, as once I heard the lyric "Even the best fall down sometimes" I thought,
I thought a lot about this blog this weekend. I wondered if I should close it down, password protect it, move somewhere else. In the end, I have decided that this is my space, my blog. I have been on this space for going on three years now, I have gotten comfortable with how this place feels, I have produced hundreds of pages of writing. I have lost and found myself and relived that rear-end accident that is my life again and again. I am not giving it up. If and when I bow out of this blogging thing someday it will be because I choose to, and not because I am driven out by honorary members of Narcissist and Co-Dependents Anonymous.
And the truth is, the name still holds true for me. I'm just an ordinary girl living in extraordinary circumstances. I'm someone that you could pass on the street and not notice, I am someone that just blends in with all of the other everyday strangers that cross our paths, walking in and out of our lives.
So I'm not leaving this site.
I am also continuing to not deal well. An email from my mother late last night set it all off again (naturally involving the words "the baby") and saw me crawling into the bathtub, complete with Lush bath bomb, wine candles, and insense (nothing wrong with imitating an opium den in the bathroom, right?) Angus had gone out to pick up one of his brothers from the airport, and when he came back we had one of those frank bathroom talks, him sitting on the toilet by the altar of lavendar joss sticks, me clinging to the side of the tub, hair wet, wine being downed.
I smelled like a candy bar.
I felt like shit.
I had to tell him I'm not doing well at all. In the past few days I have been prone to extreme acts of anger, I have been hit with hot flashes of rage that I haven't seen in years. Our toilet seat has always been a bit loose but since it's not our house, we only rent it, we don't care. I decided I was sick of doing the ass shuffle on the toilet seat to keep it from sliding one way or another, and so finally tightened the nuts on the damn thing. I haven't done a very good job, apparently, as the ass shuffle has to be more now in order to avoid the butt cheeks from touching the side of the toilet. I keep asking Angus to fix it, and I hope he does-I did the ass shuffle wrong on Saturday and very nearly ripped the seat off and beat the toilet with it, such was the wild burst of rage.
I had a go at our estate agent for being a dozy dickhead. The teenager at the supermarket faced my wrath when he was being an ass about the change. I am not myself right now, I am dealing with that pit of rage that I have pushed away, pushed down, pushed in for so long. I want to take an axe to a pile of wood, I want to kick down a fence with my bare feet, I want to throw the entire cupboard of drinking glasses to the pavement, I am so fucking angry I can't believe it.
In the end, I know I will do nothing but sock all the anger away like I always do.
What a week for my therapist to be away.
I continue to get that sucker-punched feeling. Putting socks away in my drawer-Bam! My sister's pregnant. Unloading the dishes-Whack! My family betrayed me. Making the bed-Wham! My whole world has changed. My mother's email another nail in the coffin and words in it have me feeling nervous about my father (if she's telling the truth, that is, and I never know who's telling me the truth and who's lying anymore. And, finally, I just don't care. I'm too tired to care.)
I am exhausted-all I want to do is go to bed and stay there. I find I am alternately clinging or unable to cling to my darling and lovely boy. I am pretty clearly depressed (although I am still bathing. But I am not using conditioner on my hair after I shampoo it! So there!) And through it all, I continue to cry easily. The Dog's Trust commercials get me every time, but the truth is they make me cry all the time anyway, that's why I give them money every month (in fact, I've decided to blow out this afternoon and drive to the nearest Dog's Trust in Newbury. We're proceeding with the house buying and I want to get to know the dogs beforehand, so we have loads of time to make sure we get the right dog and the right dog gets us. As Angus said-a trip to Dog's Trust could either depress me or cheer me up. Since I'm already depressed, what do I have to lose?). A Horizon documentary last night about Designer Babies had to be switched off, as a woman who'd gone through IVF for three years had me in bits. Living TV is to be avoided at all costs as they run "Twins and Triplets", "Mommies To Be", "Baby Wishes", and "Watch This-It'll Make Your Ovaries Bleed!" shows. It's all overwhelming.
In the meantime, I will quietly file away my feelings on this. It's hard, harder than I thought it would be, and at some point I'll be numb to it all only I'm just not there yet. It's all getting more and more compounded inside. On Friday night we rented Crash. It was amazing and heartbreaking and miserable and incredible. I cried three times during the movie and felt utterly defeated, realizing that it made me lose my faith in humanity.
Then I realized that part of what's wrong with me is I don't have any faith in humanity anyway, so I had nothing to lose to begin with.
-H.
1
A long weekend sounds like just what the doctor ordered. A little vacationette. By itself it doesn't fix anything but it could give you some space to get your balance back.
Sending much love from the homeland.
Posted by: Jim at January 16, 2006 10:32 AM (oqu5j)
2
H...
Love you with big warm hugs.
bises,
k
Posted by: stinkerbell at January 16, 2006 12:21 PM (QcMkT)
3
I'm hoping that your vacation away will find you with renewed vigor and a brighter outlook. I know nothing of the family history that has brought you to this point, but you have to find a way to get rid of the anger, as it will only eat YOU up inside.
Posted by: kenju at January 16, 2006 01:33 PM (9dKZN)
4
My therapist and I were discussing my lack of faith in humanity last session. Since being on the meds, I have felt better, felt more in control, but in the same respect, it's a long, long road to get to "normal", and I'm nowhere near the end. Between work and home life, where things seem to get better in short bursts, then fall flat and sometimes even backwards, all that I've been wanting to do recently is curl up in my bed with the shutters closed and sleep for a few months.
Here's to hoping that things get better all the way around.
Posted by: amber at January 16, 2006 01:40 PM (VZEhb)
5
I am not religious, spiritual, or really follow any particular philosophy. That being said, I do believe the Universe seeks balance. For all the rotten feelings you have now, they will be balanced out by a greater good. I just know it. A lot of days humanity makes me sick to my stomach. Yet I try really hard to find some good out there. Thanks for being part of the 'good', and for not letting anyone back you into a corner. I am relieved the blog is staying where it is at.
A weekend away sounds great-I am sure both of you will bring great support and comfort to each other.
Take care-
Posted by: Teresa at January 16, 2006 02:15 PM (zf0DB)
6
Your blog is the first I read every AM, and I do enjoy it, like a good novel : ) Just posting today to say... the anger that you're feeling and acting out is WASTING your own time, and is NOT productive. Be selfish and realize that you're allowing events which you cannot control to contol you! When you think about it, this is dumb. So ignore the shit you can't control. Think how much better you'll feel when you live your life as Helen, not as a person who's reacting to events/persons they cannot control. Stop the insanity and BE HAPPY! Angus will thank you, and probably the cats will too! Hey, SMILE!!
Posted by: Annette at January 16, 2006 03:38 PM (OGuOv)
7
There's not much that I can say today - I just want to pass along good wishes and love.
Posted by: Lindsay at January 16, 2006 03:39 PM (B5UQ6)
8
I'm really sorry, but I kind of want to rip off the toilet seat and beat Annette with it for that comment. I mean that in the nicest way, Annette, but people feel how they feel, and you telling them that those feelings are unproductive and pointless only makes it worse.
Take care babe.
Posted by: amy t. at January 16, 2006 03:59 PM (xKhv0)
9
I just wanted to pop in and give ya a big cyber hug (((Helen)))
I've never commented in your blog, but read it frequently! it's prompted me to look inside my own self and my own feelings and such... I love it and would certainly HATE to see it go away because of family.
Hang in there girl! You're loved by MANY!
Posted by: Rebel at January 16, 2006 04:19 PM (fPt7p)
10
You still have flashes of humor, so there's hope for you, yet. ;o) (I refer you to the comment wherein you refuse to use conditioner on your hair.)
Honey, I have been there. And I know you have, too. Stop in your grieving and take a long look around. It's not the same as that deep gulf -- that chasm of depression and hopelessness -- you were in a year or so ago, now is it? It's anger and frustration at the TOTAL UNFAIRNESS of it all. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family (and you shouldn't pick your nose), right?
Am I at least on the right track?
Go have a nice holiday with Angus. Yell and scream at your therapist. (And BOY, won't HE be surprised?!) Screw being polite. Keep writing right here on this blog.
But don't tell me you don't have any faith in humanity, darling girl. Because I don't believe THAT for one skinny minute. If anything, you have too much. (I should know, I recognize myself in that remark.) And what hurts is that your family let you down. Again.
Fuck'em. Hard. YOU are important, too. Take care of YOU.
All my love,
M
Posted by: Margi at January 16, 2006 04:38 PM (nwEQH)
11
Positive action, decisions about your life made by YOU, and acknowledgment that you are the most important thing to you; this is what I'm reading. You're not letting the depression and the anger get you down, you're dealing with it; facing it. You're angry - mad as hell! And you have every right to be! But you should also be proud of yourself and the way you're dealing with your anger. You're talking about it. You haven't destroyed your feet kicking apart the fence; you haven't thrown all the glassware against the wall (yet - god how I love the sound of breaking glass when I'm angry!), you haven't tossed in the towel and given up and buried yourself under your covers - you're living. Living YOUR life, whatever it may turn out to be. You're doing good! Keep it up and ignore all those "other people" who appear to have everything you don't. Enjoy your long weekend visit. I think it might be just the ticket. You absolutely deserve it.
Posted by: Lisa at January 16, 2006 05:09 PM (5vmEt)
12
I just... um... no words will come to me right now.
So I'll skip the words and just let you know that all the love and hugs i can possibly send your way are being sent.
And I'm a girl with a lot of love to give.
*huggles*
AxXx
Posted by: Lemurgirl at January 16, 2006 05:18 PM (kZzM5)
13
I've been emailing you, but haven't heard back. Hope all is well. Drop me a line and let me know if you've gotten any of my messages.
Posted by: emily at January 16, 2006 06:06 PM (dDl33)
14
Yay! Long weekend with puppies and wine and friends! Yay! Trip to Dog's Trust!
Yay for sweet, level-headed Angus!
And for goodness sake, call your Dad before you fly off the handle about what your mother said. Either way, you'll know better who to be upset with. And really, my policy is that since I can't really control my feelings, I like to direct them as accurately as possible when I can
I am glad you've done the brave thing and come back
Posted by: caltechgirl at January 16, 2006 08:04 PM (uI/79)
15
What a clod, I sent you an e-mail before reading your blog. The only silver lining I can see, having been there done that, is you realize you are depressed and IMHO you have every right to be. When I was there I had no idea how terribly depressed I really was. Take one minute at a time and look forward to anything that will make you happy. And Please, please, please don't go away, I would miss you way too much. (being selfish I know)
Posted by: judi at January 16, 2006 10:29 PM (SHWpV)
16
Yes, lots of alcohol & laughter!
Sometimes, when things doesn't go away, just shut it off and away. Ignoring is a skill I acquired throughout the years, admist the imperfection.
ps: Got your reply. Thanks :-)
Posted by: bohemianlisa at January 16, 2006 11:21 PM (d54Vv)
17
i think you do have faith, and hope left, otherwise, you'd not be so utterly disappointed by people acting like shits.
No offense, but people who've completely lost hope in humanity don't CARE. You clearly care. You're not hopeless, you're a disappointed idealist.
No one is more prone to fits of rage at people failing to live up to our expectations of them (like, that they act like decent, civilized beings, much like us) than the disappointed idealists of the world.
It will get better, Helen. Find some way to let the rage out. That's why I blog. Don't let it strangle you.
You're too precious.
Posted by: trouble at January 16, 2006 11:56 PM (R1snG)
18
If you ever need a hand to hold, you know where I live.
My heart bangs in frustration and hurt for you. But one thing I know to be true: I haven't lost my faith in you.
Posted by: Jennifer at January 17, 2006 12:01 AM (y4DOI)
19
I'm still here. All 967 dysfunctional parts of me and the 3 non-dysfunctional parts too. *crooked smile*
*deep breath*
You said: "What a week for my therapist to be away."
That fucking sucks. :-(
You said: "I don't have any faith in humanity anyway, so I had nothing to lose to begin with"
I'm feeling more than a tad beaten up myself right now so...I'd like to do the "rah-rah" thing and snap you right out of your mood with my Amazing Internet Super Powers of Positivity but, frankly, I'm out of positive steam right now.
For my own reasons.
Enjoy the dogs and the booze and the shopping at your friend's place. Hope they help bring you back 'round again, Helen. :-)
Posted by: Amber at January 17, 2006 04:50 AM (zQE5D)
20
Support being paramount at the moment, therapist out of town must be so challenging....perhaps you can contact for a phone checkin/appointment?? Sending good thoughts.
Posted by: gigi at January 17, 2006 05:19 AM (Ud67t)
21
A long time reader, don't know if I've ever commented, but I wanted you to know that I have always admired your resiliency. I know you don't feel strong or bright or optimistic right now, but that part of you will resurface because it's inbred. Anyone can see it in your writings. You fake it til you make it, you get knocked down, but eventually figure out how to get up and make the best of it. And you will this time as well.
Posted by: rose at January 17, 2006 03:14 PM (y6n8O)
22
Some assvice should you choose to accept it -
I never wanted to be a person who hated her mother. I went a lot of miles and suppressed a lot of rage until I decided it was okay to be that person, to feel the hate, accept the rage.
It didnt have anything to do with her, and in fact I was nicer to her in person than I ever have been once I realized it was okay to hate her.
I hated and raged and hated some more until one day I just didnt hate her anymore.
Occasionally, her behavior prompts a spurt of hatred, easily dissapated when I remember that I was a person who hated her completely and lived to tell the tale.
I wish I could send you all the faith you dont have right now.
Posted by: That Girl at January 17, 2006 03:54 PM (QzfsY)
23
Helen, I don't have any helpful words or advice. Just that I'm thinking about you and sending you my best. You rock and I hope you know it, girl!
Posted by: Dasha at January 17, 2006 09:19 PM (gTxDn)
24
Hold on to us, tightly. I am here for you, always. You are NOT alone, Helen.
Posted by: Dana at January 18, 2006 01:54 AM (b7OKi)
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