December 27, 2005

Looking Forward to New Year's

Christmas Eve didn't go so well-a fight instigated by vegetables is never going to be a positive thing. But by the time we packed up the car with presents and made our way to Angus' family on Christmas Day, the balance of the universe had largely been restored. We opened some presents at the house-Santa had been amazingly generous in our house, and I lounged about in my softer-than-soft bathrobe, one which made me feel like I was doing something inappropriate to stuffed animals. I was having loads of fun-hunky boyfriend had bought me, among many fabulous gifties, a Nintendo DS and an E-Dog (I didn't want a PSP-I wanted a Nintendo DS as I am not of the "hardcore gaming" group. The E-Dog I have named Spot, and he doesn't like Alanis Morisette but he can party like a real dog with the Barenaked Ladies and Nina Simone. Excellent.)

We drove to Angus' brother's house, the motorways zooming with other cars stuffed with presents, all of us going to someone else's home to try to celebrate the holidays. When we arrived, we opened the front door and were met with a sheer wall of noise. It was as though the volume button had broken off the hifi system at a permanent level 10. Angus' three nieces-one of them seven, the other two age three, were standing at the top of the stairs screaming at the top of their lungs. Seriously. This was like the doorbell in an alternate universe, one which involved wanting to take a Phillips head screwdriver to the inside of the ear canal to just neutralize the problem in one go.

I looked at Angus and blanched. He looked at me and smiled. We walked inside.

And thus it went. It was not an easy day, necessarily, and purely from the volume of people perspective. I get on well with Angus' family and I do enjoy their company, it just means a lot of people in all areas all the time. My family is incredibly small, so all the people around are a bit disconcerting. Especially when three of them are reaching sounds that only dogs and myself can hear.

Their house had been done up for Christmas, and as Angus' brother is a bit on the posh side, it was all done expensively as well. Dinner was served on gold plates, with fake glittery maple leaves scattered around the table. Wine flowed. It was a nice lunch, actually.

But here's the thing I struggle with-now, I know my upbringing isn't considered normal by any conventional sense of the term. I know that I am on the extreme of one side of the spectrum of childhood. But one of Angus' brothers and sisters-in-law have a very unique approach to rearing their children. I think of it as Extreme Duvet, where the premise is to supply the kids with constant positive reinforcement. This is foreign to me, and not often fitting-for example, I find it impossible to want to positively reinforce the kids when they scream at their mother that she's stupid and hit her (which did happen). That, to me, is not something where we say "How do you think that makes me feel?" To me, that's where one goes "Give me that Game Boy right now and apologize. You'll get it back when I think you're ready to control your temper." These kids don't get in trouble for speaking to their parents this way, for interuppting adult conversations on a continuous basis, or for screaming. They do, however, get in trouble for putting their elbows on the table.

Surely there must be a middle ground between the Extreme Duvet and what I know as an upbringing. But I am not a parent, I am not the right side of sane, and I am not a part of the family, so this was where I looked at my plate and tried to find it very interesting.

Christmas continued, and later in the evening it all got to be a bit too much-the usual tradition of "let's have a go at the American" started to wear me out. I usually just brush it all off, it's generally not mean-spirited at all, but it was all too much. I get it on every holiday get-together and often on a daily basis, and I just wanted a break. I get worn out for being made fun of the fact I call them pants and not trousers, I get tired of the American jokes, I get tired of the fact we call it gas and not petrol. This time I had a meltdown and thus a truce was called by Angus and his brother, and with the exception of one or two small comments the rest of the evening my American-ness was left alone. Angus' brother explained that it's just so easy to have a go at me for being American, it's just so obvious. To which I want to say-Gee. Thanks.

We gathered for the gift opening in the evening (this concept is strange to me-there are presents in the house. Unopened presents in the house. How can this be? How can people spend the day and not open the presents right away? Are they masochists?)

It was a lovely time but I have to be honest-I was really, really hurt that Angus' kids didn't really think about me. He had a pile of gifts from his kids which I was extremely happy for him about, but I only had one thing, something that Angus had bought for his daughter to give me. Don't get me wrong, the issue isn't materialistic, it's not the gifts themselves-last year they both made me homemade gifts which I love madly and are proudly on display in the bedroom. To be honest I think I love the homemade gifts more than the store bought ones. To reiterate before anyone accuses me of being materialistic-I don't care about the loot or if it's store bought or homemade. The issue is that I wasn't thought of. I bought every single one of their gifts but one. I've been making a list of presents for them for ages. The Christmas cards to them were signed by me, too. The Christmas card they sent went only to their father. I feel a bit deflated, actually, and as though I had failed. A bit of the fun has gone out of making the lists for the kids next year. I know I'm not in any way their mother and I don't want to be, but I was hoping at least I am a friend.

Oh well.

I can tell you that I used to ignore my stepmother. I used to neglect and forget her. I stopped doing that about 6 years ago, and I sent her a card apologizing as I now know that she's the best thing in the world for my dad and that's all that matters. Now I send her birthday cards and presents and wish her luck before each of her marathons. Maybe someday I can get to that stage with Angus' kids, too. They'll be here tomorrow, so I hope it goes well and I hope they have a nice time visiting.

I went to bed that night, curled up next to a loving boyfriend/radiator, who held me tight through the night.

Christmas gave way to Boxing Day, which is a holiday I had always thought of as a Canadian event as I'd had a Canadian calendar when I was a kid and it had this foreign Boxing Day thing. I don't really know what the point of Boxing Day is, but it's a day off and we all planned to gather round at Angus' mother's house. The morning of Boxing Day Angus went to make coffee, and I emerged from the guest room and sat on the top of the stairs. As I sat there, the three little girls, their hair in wild waves from braids let loose before bed, came padding up the stairs to me, big grins on their faces. Pajama bottoms dragging on the floor behind their heels, they giggled quietly and as they came to the top step they all sat down on top of me, smiling and smelling warm and making me grin like mad. This must be what Christmas with kids is. The warm moments when they sit on your lap like a warm loaf of bread, happy and tired.

I was happy to be there. I had a great Christmas, I have a lovely boyfriend, and I am looking forward to the Melissa and Jeff visit later this week.

-H.

Because she asked, and even though I fucking hate memes, I had to do it for her, in the extended entry. Seven Things To Do Before I Die
1. Finish therapy, hopefully successfully.
2. Write a book. Even unpublished, just to try to do it.
3. Go to India and Nepal.
4. Become certified to teach yoga.
5. Read War and Peace
6. Dude...that's all I got. I've got 5.

Seven Things I Cannot Do
1. Fold my tongue, but this is genetic so at least I know it's not about the practice.
2. Make myself vomit.
3. Open a CD wrapper without a sharp instrument.
4. Not feel embarrassed about pooping
5. Knit, but Angus' mom has promised to teach me.
6. Tie a knot.
7. Parallel park in two moves.

Seven Things That Attract Me to My Mate
1. His eyes.
2. His hands.
3. His voice.
4. He's got a tongue that's ripe for a Dairy Queen commercial.
5. His clothes look comfy (and are, as I often steal them).
6. His virtual swallowing of a thesaurus.
7. His age.

Seven Things I Say Most Often
1. Dial down the drama.
2. Peachy.
4. Fuck.
5. For real.
6. I don't know (no, I really say that a lot)
7. I had planned to do that (as I get older, I become much more forgetful. And procrastinating.)

Seven Books That I Love
1. The Lovely Bones
2. Running With Scissors
3. A Million Little Pieces
4. Me Talk Pretty One Day
5. Griffin and Sabine
6. We Thought You Would Be Prettier
7. Memoires of a Geisha

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again
1. Grosse Point Blank
2. Pride and Prejudice. Even though it's the miniseries and fucking long, I still get wet panties thinking about Colin Firth.
3. Breakfast Club
4. Shrek - I never claimed to be a grown-up
5. Scrooged gets watched once a year.
6. As does A Christmas Story
7. Lost in Translation

Seven Songs I Play Over and Over Again
Yeah, I don't have seven songs. I'm a mood chick, so the songs change with the mood. Except in December, then it's all Christmas all the time, and as much Muppet singing as I can get.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:35 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1833 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Bah, to hell with the seven songs--I only realized after I'd tortured myself trying to answer that one that it wasn't even originally part of this whole stupid thing. That airhead Jill at feministe had added it, heaven knows why, I guess because the meme wasn't long and tedious enough to begin with. 6. Dude...that's all I got. I've got 5. Well, you probably noticed that the Americans can easily fill that section up with travel wishes. [PLS HAVE NATIVE BRITON INSERT STANDARD JOKE ABOUT AMERICANS AND PASSPORTS HERE, BECAUSE IT'S JUST THAT FUCKING HILARIOUS]. But you've already been everywhere, almost, so five's plenty. Thank you for being a sport. You have my word that I will NEVER inflict one of these on anyone again.

Posted by: ilyka at December 27, 2005 11:25 AM (c0ZqE)

2 You had a good Christmas, in spite of Angus' brother. Why do people have to tease and needle like that? I know it gets old very quickly, and I think I might have to bow out of the festivities if they did it to me. I enjoyed reading your answers to the meme! Happy New Year!

Posted by: kenju at December 27, 2005 11:45 AM (xO1SY)

3 I've never posted before, but wanted you to know I totally sympathize with being forgotten. I'm an American (live in DC) and my husband is British. His mom and family in England completely ignored me this year during the holidays...ouch. I always buy the gifts, send the cards, etc. It still hurts, even if you can rationalize it away. Oh, they love the tease the American game too Hang in there.

Posted by: Jennifer at December 27, 2005 02:00 PM (m6TfJ)

4 Maybe his kids wanted to give you something in person. Or maybe their mom gave them a hassle about buying things for you. Or it's possible that they are just ordinary teens. It may help you to know that most teens are just as rude and uncaring of their mother's feelings. My usually sweet and thoughtful son got a bunch of presents for his stepmother (which of course I pay for) and when I reminded him that he had purchased an item now for everyone except me said "Fine. If i HAVE to get you something. This is why god created counting and vodka and made kids look extremly cute in footie pajamas.

Posted by: That Girl at December 27, 2005 03:11 PM (QzfsY)

5 I just finished catching up on your entries. I'm glad your Christmas was good. I hope the New Year is better than the previous year--not that last year was bad, just that this year is BETTER.

Posted by: ~Easy at December 27, 2005 03:49 PM (LN5gS)

6 That isn't normal child-rearing practice, Helen. I'm a mom of two kids, and I'd never let my kids act like those children you described, not in the least little bit. Those parents will regret their manner of parenting for many, many years, and that's unfortunate. So, no matter how fucked up your upbringing may have been (and mine was fucked up in it's own unique ways), still, common sense dictates that children need to learn to respect their parents. End of story. And, one need not be an ogre to instill respect. Sorry about the step-parent thing. I ensured my kids had a gift for their dad (my ex), but he didn't do the same for me. Ah well, life goes on.

Posted by: trouble at December 27, 2005 04:51 PM (j2vfb)

7 Those are not good child-rearing practices, but in this age of PC-ing everything, it is becoming more common. That is why shows like "Nanny 911" and so on are so popular. If you ever watch any of those shows, it is like "duh, that is common sense". But a lot of parents are so worried about doing the wrong thing and bruising their kids egos, or *gasp* having their kids upset with them that there is no good old-fashioned discipline anymore. My brother-in-law and his wife are the same way. Their boys are holy terrors, and never, ever punished, because my in-laws believe in only postivie reinforcement, and only saying things like "do you think what you did was right?". While I am no perfect parent, there is a middle ground. And believe me, if my children were screaming like that, they would be removed from the noise, even if that means going to sit in the car, until they got a hold of themselves. Of course, that means mom or dad having to miss out on the fun for a little while, and a lot of parents don't want to be bothered and give up there time to discipline their kids, so they ignore the bad behavior. And hitting me and calling me stupid? Oh boy, that would mean some serious consequences. We don't hit or spank our kids, but they do lose priviledges as well as get removed from the fun. It is about balance. As wonderful as having kids is, you already realize how much work gets put into it. You will do a fabulous job raising children. Just because you are not a parent yet, you are entitled to an opinion, and all of what you see and hear is like research, helping you form your parental ideas even before the kids are born-which in my case helped a thousand times over. I may have not known what my kids would be like before they were born, but watching my nephews, I knew what I did not want my kids to be like. As far as Jeff and Melissa go, it is hard right now, but like you pointed out it may take them time and the maturity age brings to have the kind of relationship that you so crave. It will get there-you are a wonderful woman and so kind hearted and giving that it is only natural that it will eventually evolve. Having Christmas with kids is a wonderful thing, and changes what the holiday means in all its shape and form. More than anything, my wish to you this holiday is that next Christmas you will have your own little warm loaf of bread on your lap. I wish it for you and Angus more than anything Helen-I mean that more than words from a stranger in a comment section could convey. You have such a beautiful soul and loving heart, and thank you so much for sharing it. What a wonderful gift you have given us all. Thanks.

Posted by: Teresa at December 27, 2005 06:06 PM (zf0DB)

8 Sweetie, I won't go off on a childrearing rant but suffice it to say that there IS a happy medium between allowing children to do and say whatever they want and "children are to be seen and not heard." And it sounds to me like in your heart, you know it. As for Angus' children: give it time. I recall having "loyalty" issues of my own; that if I really loved the step-mother, then I would somehow be disloyal to my own mother. And then my mother told me that there's plenty of room in my heart for everyone. I know it hurts but try not to let it hurt too badly. It WILL get better. {{{ hugs }}} All my love, Me

Posted by: Margi at December 27, 2005 07:02 PM (nwEQH)

9 a fight instigated by vegetables Yeah, those are the worst, aren't they? Vegetable Fights. Nobody tells you that part before you move in together... And yes, that whole "but you're so EASY to TEASE" excuse doesn't wash for me either: "Why'd you steal that item from the store?" "Well, it was just sitting there, practically begging for it!" No No NO NONONONONO! WRONG! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Helen and Angus! :-)

Posted by: Amber at December 27, 2005 07:18 PM (zQE5D)

10 We became friends with a lovely English couple 20 something years ago and the first time we were invited over to their home, we walked in and met their 3 charming children. And then we heard in those rounded plummy English accents,"Oh Mummy, you're so stupid." or "Shut up, Daddy!" I thought my kids eyes were going to bug out of their heads. As they told us on the way home later, " If we'd *ever* talked that way to either of you, we'd be dead!!" Oddly enough, my girlfriend (he's passed away) now can't figure out why these same charming children are taking terrible advantage of her and having her babysit their kids all the time. And pretty well ignoring her the rest of the time. Because she still doesn't know how to set limits.

Posted by: Jocelyn at December 27, 2005 08:00 PM (jkRb/)

11 I'm glad you had a nice Christmas, even with it's downides. And, yes, occasionally I've had enough of the American jokes - I don't just have the American accent in English, but in Dutch as well. And the jokes, sometimes... argh. But life goes on, right?

Posted by: Hannah at December 27, 2005 10:06 PM (ImQx2)

12 These kids don't get in trouble for speaking to their parents this way, for interuppting adult conversations on a continuous basis, or for screaming. They do, however, get in trouble for putting their elbows on the table. Of course. If Angus's brother is a bit on the posh side, they are being brought up as future members of the ruling class. This is all quite in ordah. Carry on. As the one whose husband had a thing with someone 17 years younger than me (and to my eternal pleasure she failed to get him), if he had ended up with her, the most painful thing for me would have been if my beautiful boy and girl would have to spend time with her. Just be thankful the ex-wife allows it. Don't wish for their undying love as well, although you'll probably get it - a little genuine empathy about the way you came to be their Dad's new woman, and what was done to their mum, would probably be good, especially for the older one. Just sayin'.

Posted by: helen at December 28, 2005 06:02 AM (sCiFR)

13 To that other Helen that can't even leave a real email address-I don't wish for their undying love. I just want to be remembered. Last year I bought most of the Christmas gifts that the kids gave her. I spent a good portion of last year grovelling and feeling bad, and to be honest I think and hope that time has passed now. So lecturing me about the ex's needs? Yeah. Maybe a little off base here.

Posted by: Helen at December 28, 2005 08:16 AM (MT+uq)

14 To this Helen, the one who writes this blog that I heart so much: Fuck that other Helen. She sounds just like a little troll I had once who went by C-A-S-S-A- Okay, that's enough.

Posted by: ilyka at December 28, 2005 09:23 AM (c0ZqE)

15 As the one whose husband had a thing with someone 17 years younger than me (and to my eternal pleasure she failed to get him) By thw way, why does every old hag always completely absolve her husband of ANY responsibility in these matters? She "failed to get him"--funny, I'd tend to see that as "he came to his senses and quit fucking around on you." But no, these damned other women! Husbands would all be such model gentlemen if it just! Weren't! For those other women! Right. Listen, as someone who's helped herself to other women's husbands before, let me explain something to you: I hardly ever had to do a thing to bring those affairs about. They were the easiest lays I ever did have in my life. You know why? Because men who cheat make it effortless to meet them halfway. In fact--halfway? Hell, your man was slobbering on my heels. I couldn't use the restroom without first prying him off me. I never had to do a damn thing with any of the married guys I slept with, except acquiesce in the first place. Which, when your man follows me around everywhere like a lovesick puppy, buying me shit and writing bad poetry and going goggly-eyed at me all the time, is a shockingly easy thing to do. So I suggest you go bust his balls, Tootsiepop. And lay off Helen.

Posted by: ilyka at December 28, 2005 09:32 AM (c0ZqE)

16 Suggestions for future DS purchases (for the non-hardcore) - Kirby's Canvas Curse (my review here: http://games.slashdot.org/games/05/07/28/172249.shtml) Mario Kart DS (my review here: http://games.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=05/11/21/195249) Electroplankton (it's just cool, trust me.

Posted by: Michael at December 28, 2005 04:47 PM (gDkSs)

17 I'm glad Christmas had some bright spots, at least. Here's hoping Christmas next year is a whole lot Merrier and a little less nuts!

Posted by: caltechgirl at December 28, 2005 06:39 PM (XbOsd)

18 It sounds like a typical Christmas to me... it's never quite as perfect as we wish, no matter how hard we try to make it so. You just have to learn to "go with the flow". Angus' kids? They're typical - it probably wasn't even a specific thought that they didn't get you a gift. From what you've said about them, I think they love you very much and I'm sure they're getting caught a bit in the 'in-between' family thing. Give it time. You have THEM - forget the gift. Be the adult. Keep doing your lists - it'll make YOU happy and they'll come back around. Next Christmas I predict will be VERY different. In so many ways... but in GOOD ways. It's so nice to hear the happiness in your "voice"... don't let the veggie fights get ya down. That's all part of the package.

Posted by: sue at December 28, 2005 08:42 PM (WbfZD)

19 Hmmm... My ex had an affair with a girl 20 years younger. Funny that. I didn't blame her at all. I blamed him. After all, I knew the tremendous degree of difficulty he had in keeping his johnson in his pants. Sounds to me like *that other helen* has some insecurity issues that have nothing to do with our favorite helen who we heart immensely. Helen, who we adore, is doing her best to cope with circumstances not of her making. I'm happy that she and angus have found each other. Love is like that, sometimes, the people who truly deserve it do indeed get it... and in those situations, age really doesn't matter.

Posted by: trouble at December 29, 2005 03:46 AM (R1snG)

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