I'm just an ordinary girl living in extraordinary circumstances.

April 15, 2009

Missing

I am working something out.

Only, I don't know what it is yet.

But it's something.

I'm aware of the tone this blog is beginning to take. It's as though, once you open the screen, you get to put your 3D glasses on and take a virtual tour of nuttiness with a side of Mommy Blog. Add a dash of light to moderate humor (I maintain my original stance that I am unfunny) and throw a bucket of Hey-How's-About-I-Tell-You-Our-Real-Names and it's like drinking the Kool-Aid. And to be honest, I'm still not over the name thing - I see my name written in comments and start to freak the fuck out - ohmigod, I've been found out! Then I remember like a twat that I'm the one that outed me.

But I'm working something out.

I just don't know what it is.

I want to say: I've lost something. Only I haven't. I'm sure I haven't. I checked the Lost and Found box, there was a mismatched pair of Pumas two sizes too small in there, an old hairbrush and a scrunchy that still misses the 90's. But nothing in there was mine. So I haven't lost anything.

Yet something is still telling me I've lost something.

I did a tally - my wallet is here. I have a packet of mints, some tampons, a packet of paracetamol, and a bag of kiddie snacks in my handbag, because handbags live only to serve. My phone is on the desk - well, one of them, anyway, I have no idea where the other one is and the battery probably went on strike anyway. My iPod is plugged into my ears.

My children (of whom recently I am feeling so fiercely protective) are at nursery, my boy is at work at his massive antique desk, and my dog is curled up in the sunshine. My passport is lounging on some civil servant's desk, my flip flops are in the hall closet, my favorite lipgloss is lingering on my dresser, forgotten there this morning. My giant stuffed aubergine (I'm 35 years old and I sleep curled around it every night) lounges on the bed, in the sunshine by Maggie the cat.

Nothing's missing.

But something's missing.

The birch trees are bursting with skinny love. I am listening to How My Heart Behaves, mixed with I'm Not Gonna' Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You. I think of Slumdog Millionaire, which I saw last night and which makes me almost believe in love like that. I keep hearing Susan Boyle in my head and it makes me well up with such hope, and I don't even watch shows like that I hate that kind of program - and that program in particular. Go. Watch. Cry.

My mood is good. I'm meeting an old friend for drinks tonight, someone who makes me laugh and is easy company. The weather is spectacular. The weekend is hurtling towards us after a very busy week. Nick took 5 steps unassissted yesterday, then took 5 more. Angus and I are touching each other again and enjoying it.

The lights are on, someone's home.

Only I keep feeling like I'm missing something.

Maybe I lost my sheep and don't know where to find them.

Maybe I've been blindsided.

Maybe I'm not missing a fucking thing, just having one of those moments in time.

-S.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:31 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 567 words, total size 3 kb.

1 I think I get it; maybe you're missing the "stranger" part of Everyday Stranger. You should know that things don't feel different from this side of the screen though; you're still you, but with your own name instead of a pseudonym. I hope others will back me up, but mabye it's just me. Maybe a name change and a redesign would suffice? Maybe you need to write in a different direction? Oh - and I saw that Susan Boyle video yesterday on our local news. The look on Simon's face was worth it even if she hadn't been so incredibly talented and inspiring. Wow. Just... wow. I was moved nearly to tears.

Posted by: Lisa at April 15, 2009 01:30 PM (YEsan)

2 Perhaps your sense of anonymity? I think that would leave a pretty gaping void in me....

Posted by: Stories Aside at April 15, 2009 01:39 PM (8woE+)

3 Wow, not that was something! I don't watch that show here in the states but, I will be following her on youtube for sure! Maybe it's just that everything is at a calm in your life? Or just more calm than usual? That's kind of how I feel sometimes when my life it like that lol.

Posted by: Justme at April 15, 2009 02:50 PM (h/AP8)

4 I get that way sometimes as well... my hubs says we both get that way when things are going too well. It is like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hope that's not the case with you and the uneasiness leaves but the good stuff stays. You're overdue.

Posted by: sue at April 15, 2009 02:50 PM (0K+AI)

5 It sounds as if things are in balance. I have to admit when things in my world are in balance I am always feeling as if I'm missing something, longing for something and yet I can never pinpoint what. I think, and this really sounds crazy, it's the chaos.

Posted by: Jade at April 15, 2009 03:06 PM (RuJ5t)

6 I often feel this sense of something missing when life is in transition. So much of my life has been driven by ambition towards this goal or that - getting a degree, perhaps, getting a dream job or promotion or something. But then sometimes life changes course, the landscape subtly (or not so subtly) shifts and all of a sudden, pieces don't quite fit like they did before and things don't feel quite "right". For a while it really freaked me out, but I'm slowly learning to just chill out, sit back, and let things fall into their new places. Enjoy the good things that life has to offer you today, in the moment, and slowly but surely that Missing Piece will become apparent.

Posted by: Sarah at April 15, 2009 03:26 PM (fJpeI)

7 If you're missing a green folding chair, I might have it. One turned up in my garage a while back and I have no idea where it came from.

Posted by: Rob at April 15, 2009 04:49 PM (Ab40K)

8 If you're missing a green folding chair, I might have it. One turned up in my garage a while back and I have no idea where it came from.

Posted by: Rob at April 15, 2009 04:52 PM (Ab40K)

9 Very cool that you outed yourself! I stay anon, but maybe someday... As to the feeling, I know what you mean. I think gravity may be pulling us a bit harder than it needs to- the whole planet seems to be feeling a bit off. But- I think its just a feeling.

Posted by: Jungletwins at April 15, 2009 06:02 PM (wyPEC)

10 I live with the constant nagging feeling that I've forgotten some massively important task, which usually is unfounded unless you count the fact that I'm a procrastinator. I feel like Neville Longbottom with a glowing Remembrall and no idea why it's lit up. I don't think your blog has drunk the Kool-Aid, at all, and I still think it's quite witty and funny (yes, funny) and real-worldly. Then again, compare any blog except perhaps the blog-lovechild of Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore to mine and it looks calm and well-mannered.

Posted by: D at April 15, 2009 06:25 PM (2Q9WD)

11 I think you're missing the years of fear you had of being outted here. Or maybe it's the green folding chair in Robs garage.

Posted by: Anita at April 15, 2009 07:19 PM (HHmL5)

12 Maybe since everything is falling into place any going well, you are missing the chaos. I've known your real name since the children in need and it's no big deal. You are still the same person with the same wonderful man and the same adorable kids and the same entertaining blog.

Posted by: Theresa at April 15, 2009 10:41 PM (I4swt)

13 I'm jaw clenchingly. shoulder hunchingly, mind spinningly stressed - with absolutely not a reason in hell to feel like this! I met my builder this morning and we are mutually thrilled with the house almost being done and looking oh-so-damn-good. I slept in an hour over my normal time. My two co-workers are ill and on holidays so the office is quiet excpet for the sound of my typing and some distant laughter in a meeting room. I'm leavinge early today and am well ahead in the report I'm completing AND today I found a parking garage tucked away half a block from my work that charges 1/3 (!!!!) of what I've been paying at my current place. I should feel FANTASTIC... so yeah... I hear you....!

Posted by: FLikka at April 16, 2009 12:32 AM (GdxOM)

14 hugs to you. i know this feeling of missing something. and maybe it is just one of those moments...we all have in life. good luck finding what it is you're missing.

Posted by: Liz at April 16, 2009 03:43 AM (37vYf)

15 Maybe you really are "drifting out to sea" I hope you'll "find an island with a shady tree, just like the one in our backyard" ~j.

Posted by: j.m at April 16, 2009 04:32 AM (8fKwp)

16 Maybe you are missing your worry or anxiety? If that's it, I hope you keep on missing it. Btw, I think it's great you've "outed" yourself, even though it doesn't seem to have changed your writing at all; it's still fantastic.