'How do you measure a willy?'

'What?'

'How do you measure a willy?' Dear Mate repeated.

Yup, we do have conversations like these.

He actually said penis, but I am trying to not shock the locals. Cause I never get crude or anything on this site. No no no...

I instigated this discussion, when I text messaged him and asked what sizes he was. Despite the turn of conversation, I had actually meant his clothing sizes, since I was Christmas shopping. He decided to be a smart ass and instead replied via text: 'About 5 cm long when flaccid, and the rest of the time he's about 25 cm long.'

To which I replied: 'You're ambitious.'

So when we talked via phone a little while later, I tried to extract what his clothes sizes were. And I also needed to highlight that I was exceptionally dubious about his 25 cm estimation. Which takes us to the beginning of this post again.

DM: How do you measure a penis?
Me: With a ruler, I guess.
DM: Well, one out of one for the bleeding obvious. I meant which parts should actually be measured?
Me: Don't tell me you've never measured him.
DM: Of course I have, but I can't recall what the measurements were. It's not like they're tattooed on my arm or anything.
Me: Well, I assume that you should be measuring for length, not circumference, right?
DM: Does circumference matter?

I had to think about that. Did it? I had to track back to some former partners I had been with, and I had to go with: yes. Circumference does matter. I mean, I have been with a guy that had a very'¦um'¦skinny one. It made me feel awkward, like I was built like some gaping cavern, as opposed to the dainty creature I really am.

I also remember being with a guy that was extremely'¦thick. It was like having sex with a Polish sausage, the idea of which makes me want to take a long shower using antibiotic shower gel. That, intermingled with an ice pack, that is.

Me: Yes, circumference is an issue. You should, with that measurement, always aim for average. That's a good place to be.
DM: Why?

I told him of my Cavern versus Polish sausage experiences.

DM: Right. Ok. Now about length?
Me: What's the question again?
DM: Well, how does it get measured?
Me: I'm assuming tip to base, and only when he's at full attention. Otherwise there's no meaning in the numerical values.
DM: OK.
Me: Although it would be funny to know what size he is when he's sleeping. Or just after jumping into a freezing body of water.
DM: Shut up. I know I should measure him erect, but should you measure on top or on bottom?

It took me a minute to try to visualize this. This is a complicated visualization in many ways.

1) It's funny picture to imagine a man, naked, trying to measure it.
2) It's equally entertaining to imagine a guy trying to excite himself for the express purpose of measuring it.
3) It's even funnier to imagine a guy, mid-coitus, pulling out of the lady and saying 'Hold on, honey, I've been meaning to do this all day.' And whipping out a ruler.

DM: Have you ever measured yourself?
Me: What do you mean? You mean my little man in the boat?
DM: Is that what you call him?
Me: No, I call it my clitoris, but I'm worried about google searches.

Oops, too late.

Me: Have I measured him?
DM: Yeah. I mean, do girls do that?

I had to think about that, too. I mean, I never have. I suppose some can. I know some women have very small ones, in fact I had been with a woman previously and hers was non-existent. I know, I tried to find it. I even called two guys over to help me find it (this was the drunken college swinging experience) and they couldn't locate it either, so I know it wasn't that I didn't apply myself properly to the task at hand. I personally am blessed with a nice sized one. I'm not going to be mistaken for a hermaphrodite or anything, but a guy isn't going to need a compass to find mine. If he does need one, then he's truly clueless.

Or he's one of the many in a parade of useless wankers that I dated.

It must suck to be a guy and have to play hide and seek with some women. I mean, at least from a woman's perspective, we never have to go looking for the guy. He's usually right up in our face.

Then I think about the logistics of trying to measure it my favorite finger puppet. How would you do it, it's a triangle after all! I mean, it would involve using complicated weird triangular measuring sticks, and would I measure from fold to fold, or from tip of triangle to other tip? Images of hgh school geometry class start running in my head. It made my brain hurt.

Decide I will not be measuring my cute little twin after all.

Me: Back to you measuring yourself now. I would say that the numbers would be more impressive should you measure on top. I mean, you have the balls underneath to take away a bit from the numbers.
DM: I disagree, I think the numbers will be larger if you measure on the bottom. Then you can lift him up and measure all the way to the base.
Me: Why are we debating this? I mean, you have one, go measure it. I don't have one, unless you are referring to my Maestrobator, in which case I am happy to measure him but I think he will make you feel inadequate.
DM: Seriously?
Me: Yeah, he's hung well. With a vibrating stimulator, in case you're curious.

Silence on the other end while DM comes to term with the fact that although he may have a celebrated 25 cm, he does not have a vibrating bit, too.

So I challenge the men folk out there to dig the rulers out and have a measure. Let's see what it'¦um'¦turns up. And if you're truly brave, let us know what the numbers are.

Happy Measuring!

-H.

PS- I wrote stuff this weekend. Scroll down. Enjoy. And go say hi to Simon-his Wallabies lost.

PPS-Beth puts forward the idea of blogging nekkid. I get a mention as "probably the sexiest, most desirable woman in the Blogosphere". Cool.

PPPS - I am still jobless. You know. In case anyone thought otherwise. And in fact have received four emails that were "thank you but you're not good enough" responses to four of the perhaps 20 CVs I have sent out. If anyone needs me, I'll be drinking. Heavily. Fuck.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:28 AM | Comments (35) | Add Comment
Post contains 1152 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Thanks for the kind thoughts at a time of need (albeit not as much need as yours). As for measuring the reality is this being a blog there will be the most outrageous lies told. No-one's going to say "I've got a tiny one." For the record mine is 1.7 kilometres and 20 metres circumference. Or that could be the Hong Kong Central Tunnel. Certainly one of them, maybe both. :-)

Posted by: Simon at November 24, 2003 10:33 AM (GWTmv)

2 Not to pick on the Swiss, but back in college I had a brief experience with a Swiss dude who had the smallest. penis. ever. He was cute and charming and all, but he was also trying to get the lights in my dorm room turned off -- which seemed kinda weird to me at the time, since in my extremely limited experience boys usually want to keep the lights on. Eventually his pants and boxers came off and I saw his dick and I literally burst out laughing, it was so ridiculously tiny. Like, the size of my pinky finger. And I knew -- KNEW -- I shouldn't be laughing at him, because god knows I've had enough horrible experiences with people making fun of my teeth, but I just couldn't help it. I wish I could forget the look on his face. Ugh. I'm such a bad person sometimes. But anyway, now I wish I'd measured him.

Posted by: Sedalina at November 24, 2003 10:58 AM (eKujN)

3 Simon-thanks for the laugh. Does yours come with lighting and cell phone coverage, too? Sedalina-thanks also for the laugh. I was going to follow down the "Alpine cold-Swiss Miss" route but then realized that I was generalizing. Oh, but since I said it here, I have just done that. Wonder if the guy sought therapy after that...or if he responded to the email spams that we all get!

Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 11:18 AM (k78uM)

4 Gotta measure on top. If you measure on the bottom how do you know where to plant the ruler? I mean some guys might stop at the distal scrotum, some might include the ball sack itself. Once you're past the ball sack you're in the taint* and there's no longer a point of reference right until you hit the dark cavern. Definitely measure from the top, from the pubic junction to the tip. *taint - That part in the middle that tain't your balls and tain't your ass.

Posted by: Jim at November 24, 2003 02:07 PM (IOwam)

5 One of the exes was 9 inches by 5.5 inches. It was rather like giving a hamster a sports car... no clue as to what to do with it.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 24, 2003 02:08 PM (HxCeX)

6 I need a yard stick to go by (no pun intended. Can someone tell me what the avg for U.S. males are? Also how do we "stack up" against the rest of the world.

Posted by: Drew at November 24, 2003 02:50 PM (CBlhQ)

7 Measure on top of course. In any face-to-face position the crucial depth moment is his pubic bone against her pubic bone/clitoris. She wants to know if she can grind the bacon(1) while having just the right amount of length inside. Also remember that as men gain weight, some of it goes on the pubic area and shortens the useful length of the penis. Fat guys look small, skinny guys look big. So the best penile enlargement program would be to diet down to marathoner size. Ted K. (1) Or was that rub the bacon? Phrases elude me today.

Posted by: Ted K at November 24, 2003 03:09 PM (bUIG8)

8 hmmm, I'd say base, so they can read it. Wink, wink. oh and measure a woman? now theres an interesting thought, let me know if you figure that one out.

Posted by: shortt at November 24, 2003 03:33 PM (SgyHb)

9 OK I am hung like a hamster. I like to tell the women this....."Its not long, but its skinny, It aint fat but its short, It aint big but I lay there and sweat." The last girl I was with laughed at me when I pulled down my pants and said, "Who are you going to please with that?" to which I replied, "ME!!"

Posted by: MJ at November 24, 2003 03:45 PM (FTYER)

10 I've said it before, and I'll say it again: size matters. In my opinion -- smaller is better. This is mainly because I'm a small kitty, and large men are just painful unless you're really, really ready. My husband is hung like a horse and it always takes a while to get to the point where I'm ready enough that sex is enjoyable. Don't worry MJ -- you're plenty sexy regardless of the size of your member.

Posted by: Jennifer at November 24, 2003 04:02 PM (6Quju)

11 Yeah I'm hung like horse too..... a sea horse, but a horse non the less.

Posted by: pylorns at November 24, 2003 04:19 PM (FgACn)

12 Technically, most guys I've known who have measured their winkies, have measured from the bottom, base to tip. But I would say measure from the top, for accurate, relevant length. Meaning the part that is actually useful for sexual purposes. Though, most guys probably aren't concerned about relevant, they want to use whatever way will give them the biggest number. I've had a lot of guys I've chatted with online try to tell me they have 10 inches, and I tell them yer not s'posed to measure from the poophole forward.

Posted by: JaxVenus at November 24, 2003 04:26 PM (VvAU1)

13 One of the funniest things I've ever seen: lying next to my bed when a gent was visiting were a pile of condoms and a measuring tape. I bent over laughing. I hate myself for saying this, but yes, size matters. 'Course, if you don't know what to do with it, there's really no point. One of my last partners was long *and* thick, but completely unaware. Sigh. What a waste.

Posted by: Kaetchen at November 24, 2003 05:28 PM (WZyYB)

14 I'm just not a thickness fan. It gives me horrid images of being ridden by a Lincoln Log. I seriously just want an average penis doing the drumming. But balls are key. He has to have nice looking testicles. Really.

Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 05:35 PM (tdh2z)

15 Pauses to ponder "H" last comment..Then resumes work day sigh...is it fucking Thursday yet? I hate boses!!

Posted by: Drew at November 24, 2003 06:21 PM (CBlhQ)

16 According to this website, 88% of all men fall between 5 - 7 inches when erect. When relaxed, 90% fall within the 3 - 5 inches range. The website also contains other sexual averages information including the elusive clitoral measurement.

Posted by: Rob at November 24, 2003 06:44 PM (fcqpB)

17 *H, rushing off to check on that website*

Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 07:10 PM (4tEWI)

18 God, I am STILL laughing about that website...jeez...guess I better hit the treadmill, I have some calories to work off! "75% of all males reach orgasm within 2 minutes of penetration". Speaks volumes, really, doesn't it? "Females in Kinsey's studies averaged a little less than 4 minutes to reach orgasm during masturbation, though for coitus it took anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes"-just proof that if we want something enough, we have to work for it.

Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 07:16 PM (4tEWI)

19 This seems to be the topic of the day for me - I just posted this morning about a blog where the guy is testing the pills that are supposed to make his penis grow larger. I wonder if he has tips on measuring. In case you wondered - they seem to be working. Even if they aren't, I still got a good laugh out of it!

Posted by: Christine at November 24, 2003 09:38 PM (sMxPE)

20 My man in the boat is this | | tall. Of course, that's hoodless. Just for your edification.

Posted by: Carlene at November 24, 2003 10:25 PM (hL8Mp)

21 I think willy-measuring should be done up the side, just to make it interesting. Or, better yet, make him use his brain (the other one): measure top and bottom and average!

Posted by: jean at November 24, 2003 10:48 PM (Af9+w)

22 ...Length: 7 1/4, Circumference: 4 1/2 ...*blush*...I can't believe I just did that....and no, I'd never measured it before...

Posted by: Eric at November 24, 2003 11:28 PM (fZKKx)

23 I am exactly the right size. That's all I have to say about that.

Posted by: Guinness at November 25, 2003 01:22 AM (HUtSD)

24 I'm not measuring mine. I prefer not to embarass myself in public. Besides, my size doesn't matter.

I can lick my eyebrows

Posted by: Psycho Dad at November 25, 2003 01:40 AM (4q6vH)

25 The second best I ever had was the biggest ...the third best was the smallest....the bestest was average.....

Posted by: MiMo at November 25, 2003 02:49 AM (T+pMz)

26 Don't be discouraged about 4 of 20, Helen. You need to expect close to 6 out of 10 outright rejections. It's a hell of a bummer when they come in but it's easier when you realize that the math is on your side. Of the 4 left, 3 will take up your time with interviews but go nowhere either because they don't meet your need or you end up not meeting theirs. The last 1 is a genuine opportunity and you've got about a 25% of landing the job. It's all numbers. Keep plugging away and you will get your job. Then again, these averages might not work in Sweden. They're using the metric system and I have no idea how to convert from these English measurement numbers. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at November 25, 2003 03:26 AM (fkewd)

27 Gosh, is this what I have to look forward to during my unemployment? Cool!!! Oh wait, the only dicks I'll ever have I'll buy at a "toy store" - any size and color I like :-) Glad to see you're sufficiently entertained today.

Posted by: Beth M at November 25, 2003 03:38 AM (GKq8i)

28 Not gonna even read the comments before replying. Could be gratifing or humilating. Length, 7 in.(can't abide by the metrics), only reason I know this was an innocent boy scout query by a female friend. Circumference, about like a toothpaste tube (who measures circumference?). Hope this helps with the scientific study. What? There's no study? I MEAN 47! HUT! HUT! HIKE!

Posted by: Brass at November 25, 2003 05:38 AM (v//6c)

29 See? Isn't it gratifying to know that we can all come together over penis and clitoris sizes? Let's all hold hands now..."I'd like to buy the world a dick....and keep it company..." And thanks for the encouragement Jim. Although I had already drowned myself in vino tinto

Posted by: Helen at November 25, 2003 08:20 AM (ADrg6)

30 woo hoo..I'm SO above average!! I wonder if my wife knows?

Posted by: jim at November 25, 2003 02:05 PM (lN8eP)

31 My standard answer is simply that I've never had any complaints. One of the benefits of monagamy. I worked with a man who was the one person who, as an adult, considered the scale of his equipage worthy of note. Same person who later had the surgery which led me to tell his father "Don't think of it as losing a son, think of it as gaining a daughter."

Posted by: triticale at November 25, 2003 06:45 PM (YmQkS)

32 Actually, the best way to measure winkies, (especially when the measurement is going to be around 3 or so inches)is from the FLOOR!!! (Get it? 3" from the floor? rotflmao)(Yeah, matter of fact, I am rather easily amused...lol)

Posted by: Stevie at November 29, 2003 01:12 AM (mMqUa)

33 ummm gross!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: kid nickey at December 05, 2003 03:27 AM (PCfqu)

34 SIZE MATTERS>>>> but you gotta know how to rock the boat either or.... big or small

Posted by: at December 05, 2003 03:29 AM (PCfqu)

35 You know you have a large member when your partner, after dropping your drawers and seeing it for the first time says, Oh My Gawd!, and then says, can't we just be friends! Needless to say, I have made a lotta friends in my lifetime.

Posted by: eddie at June 01, 2004 07:12 PM (dhKAc)

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