January 11, 2006

The One Person

On Monday I went from London to where the IVF clinic we are using is. It was a quiet drive, taking less time than it usually does through the maze of roundabouts, and I made it there in about 20 minutes. Once there I walked through the long hallways, passing many elderly there for various treatments and ailments, passing the implanatation room with the many monitors and lights waiting for the next egg baby that comes along. I made my way up the stairs to the clinic and tried to register with the receptionist.

'Hi, I'm here for a blood test? I'm Helen A-' I started.

'Yes, right, please sit down,' snapped the receptionist.

The clinic is extremely popular, renown for its success rates, aided by the fact that there is a doctor and a nurse that work there who worked on the first successful IVF case in the world, Louise Brown, born in 1980. It is renown for its egg share programme, which has the highest success rate in the UK. It is not, however, known for its perfect bedside manner amongst the staff, but then I guess you can't have everything. After all, which would I rather have, scrambled eggs or a cuddle?

I wait in a mauve waiting room that is luckily stocked with all of the latest magazines, so I could amuse myself reading about Katie Holmes' pregnancy or stare into the glaring spotlight of Jordan's breasts. There were three other couples in the waiting room. One couple sat slightly apart from each other, flicking frantically through a Hello! magazine as though it had the answers to the problem they seek instead of just cheesy pictures of Rod Stewart. The second couple sat next to each other talking in murmuring tones, the sides of their mouths lifted, the tops of their heads angled towards one another. The third couple was young, and as they sat he held her hand by the thumb, his whole hand caressing and massaging the thumb as though all the comfort he had could be retained by that single digit.

I was alone, as it was simply a blood test and needles don't bother me. I looked at the walls of the clinic and the many hundreds of baby photos they have of successful baby births. There were many twins and triplets in these pictures, and in some of them the babies were held by smiling nurses, proof that the mothers had come back to say: Thank you. Look what we did together. There were notices for meetings and conferences on infertility. Support groups lined another wall-Mothers of Twins in Fleet, Single Mothers of Guildford, IVF Families of Woking. And there on the top of one wall, separated as though infected with leprosy, was a large poster for another support group-Are You Going To Spend Your Life Childless? it screamed in bright bold letters. Our Support Group Will Help You Learn How To Cope!

Great. That little injection of hope is all we need.

I was called by the nurse and we went into an exam room. I asked her what FSH measured and she explained the basics (Caltechgirl was correct, FSH is a measurement of the ovary function.) The nurse explained if I have a nice low level then my ovaries are functioning just fine. If I have a slightly elevated level then my ovaries will need extra help with the ovary stimulus drugs when I start IVF. If the number is really high, she explained, then my body is going into menopause.

Gah! I shriek. Menopause! What? Gah! Is this a worry?

No, she explained, cleaning off the space of my elbow to allow needle accommodation. That's just worst case scenario. I'm sure yours are fine. We'll have the results on Tuesday, and if you don't hear from us, then the results are just fine.

I didn't hear from them yesterday, so I guess I can rule "pre-menopausal" off my list of worries.

The nurse and I get a calendar out and start counting days. With my periods generally being shorter than the 28 days most women have, I face anywhere from 24-27 day cycles, the day it looks like I will be able to start the meds, depending on the period the beginning of March, is the 26th of March. We have an appointment a week after we come back from holiday to get the medication, set up the schedule, and start. And right now it looks like the suppressor nose spray will be for three weeks, the stims will be for two weeks and then egg removal happens. As the schedule looks right now, the eggs will be fertilized and re-implanted on April 20. Angus' birthday.

I go home and we talk about it all. I find out that someone I have just as high hopes for has a date change to meet with her IVF consultant, and that date is soon. I have a meeting with my therapist on Tuesday, whom I haven't seen since before Christmas. Once my head is shrunk, I head to Maidenhead for meetings. Once in there, it is all business with my team, the boys I love. We are talking and working through plans and I see I have a voice message. I listen to it.

And my head hasn't been the same since.

Here's the thing about trying to have a baby-it seems to never fail that everyone around you just has a drink of water and winds up pregnant. Like it's something that you don't even have to work for, it's something that happens. In England they don't call it 'getting pregnant', it's 'falling pregnant', like you're just walking down the street, trip over a crack in the sidewalk, and once you stand up and brush the grit off your hands whadda'-you-know, you're knocked up. I think it's honestly like that-the majority of my project team have had partners that tripped and fell down and stood up with a bun in the oven. It's a bit wearying getting all these people presents, and I know Marks & Spencer's onesies like nobody's business, as it has become my standard gift.

With other people going through fertility treatment, it's different. Should any of the women I know-and in the blogworld I can think of three of them-fall pregnant, it will be joyous. It will be bittersweet and a little painful and I'll be slightly jealous, but overall I will be fucking delighted for them and will send them baby shirts with the Union Jack on them just because.

And then maybe we all know One Person that if that person gets pregnant, it's going to be hard for us. Maybe that One Person symbolizes something, maybe that One Person is the One Person that it is impossible to be happy for. Call us selfish, call us bitches, I don't care. I just have to be honest. For every infertile woman I know there's someone they can't bear to see succeed. My neighbor Billie gets a look on her face of worry and fear when I tell her we have news-after so many attempts at IVF she has become one of that support group with the screaming letters, she is giving up. I think she worries that I will tell her I'm pregnant, and I worry about hurting her if it does happen for me. Maybe I'm her One Person.

We all have One Person. Maybe this person has always gotten everything they've ever wanted in life, and gotten it easily. Maybe this person doesn't realize what a fucking gift it is to have a child. Maybe this person was someone we competed with in high school. Maybe this person just doesn't deserve it in our minds. I don't know every woman's reasons for why they have problems with One Person, but every woman I have asked who is going through fertility treatment has a One Person, all for different reasons. None of these reasons may make sense to anyone else, and maybe we come across as selfish and bitchy but for once in my life I'm going to say yes-I am selfish in not being happy for this person, I admit it, but I am never selfish and I wish this moment wasn't here, but it is.

My One Person is pregnant.

I have known for some time that I won't be able to handle it if my One Person is pregnant.

I was right.

And with it, so comes the tumbling of the cards. Hot on the heels of the abject horror of my One Person came the fear that because of this, I will lose my father. I just got him. I only just got a relationship with him, and now he may dump me over the One Person. You might immediately think-well, then he's not a very good person and you're better off without him. It's not that easy. I've always wanted a father and I don't want to give him up.

And I can't go home now, not at all.

I had left the meeting when I heard the voicemail and walked into another empty meeting room. I gripped the table as I was punched repeatedly in the stomach and sobbed. Then I called Angus and sobbed harder. Then I tried to go back into the meeting, only one look at my face and the boys called a break, Peter and Robert guiding me into a meeting room to ask me what was going on. I broke down and told them, and included the fact that I was headed for IVF round number 3, that I had lost Egg and Bacon, that I had lost, I was lost. They hugged me and we talked and headed back into the room, my boys taking all the action points. I had finally broken down in front of some of my team, a rule I said I'd never violate, but the only other option would have been to walk out and drive home.

And at home, I cried. And cried. And even got those hiccup-sobs that I haven't had since I was a child. And I stared at the raised and bruising mark on my arm, the sign of my blood test, the only sign I have.

And today my face looks like it's been punched with tennis balls, my eyes red and puffy, and I watch the rain slide down the train window. Angus and I are working on it, even if he doesn't know why the One Person hurts so much and I'm not sure quite how to get the words out. Maybe it's impossible to explain if you don't have One Person. It hurts and it shouldn't and it makes me a bitch but I'm being honest, thus here it is. It hurts. It may make you hate me, think I'm a horrible person, that I'm a bitch, and maybe I am. I try not to be, but maybe this time? I hurt.

It just does hurt.

More than I know how to hurt.

-H.

PS-Apparently it's de-lurking week (meaning if you read and never comment, go ahead and leave a comment), so help a girl out and de-lurk. Angus and I often say at home that posts I write that end up with less than 15 comments must be Suck Posts. Please don't let today be a Suck Posts Day.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:00 AM | Comments (69) | Add Comment
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1 Delurking ....... with hugs

Posted by: Mia at January 11, 2006 10:08 AM (o+8DV)

2 Haven't a clue what de-lurk means, but I'm sure you couldn't have a suck post if you tried. I understand about the One Person. I was lucky enough to have my boys without help, but even I had a One Person too. I wish you all the luck in the world Helen, xx

Posted by: Gill at January 11, 2006 10:34 AM (4tDGB)

3 We call them emotions instead of rationals because we don't control them. Plus if we called them rationals people would think we were weird. Anywho ... a big hug and a teeny bit of advice. Don't be upset about being upset regarding your One Person. Just don't let One Person get in the way of Helen. {HUG}

Posted by: Jim at January 11, 2006 11:03 AM (oqu5j)

4 Jim's so smart! A true friend.

Posted by: Gill at January 11, 2006 11:14 AM (4tDGB)

5 This one person thing is new to me. But I have a penis and no plans for IVF ;-). Except if we talk about politicians, then I have a number of one persons. My point: don´t let it get you down, its like Jim said its emotions not rationals.

Posted by: Miguel at January 11, 2006 11:29 AM (DjJJh)

6 I delurk! I think there is a One Person for everyone; not necessarily to do with pregnancy, but more that their Winning makes you feel like you're Losing. Even though you really do know this is not the case. This grown up stuff is suckful sometimes. Re-lurk! 10-4 over and out!

Posted by: jac at January 11, 2006 12:09 PM (hjdcI)

7 my dear... maybe that "one person" will be your good omen instead of the horrible symbol you think she is... hugs!

Posted by: michelle at January 11, 2006 12:20 PM (OTepF)

8 I SOMETIMES leave comments, but mostly I lurk in awe of your talent.... Sister?

Posted by: Mitzi at January 11, 2006 12:35 PM (Vp6CN)

9 I read, I just don't comment. I'm sorry about your one person.

Posted by: nuala at January 11, 2006 12:58 PM (8ePZ6)

10 I read. Every day. And have never left a comment. Today it is even more difficult to find something to say. Alles Liebe! Anne

Posted by: Anne at January 11, 2006 01:04 PM (BPLVL)

11 You are going to make an amazing mother one day (hopefully very soon). Hugs from North Carolina. :-)

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 11, 2006 01:28 PM (W4VoZ)

12 Well, here it is....Honesty. Maybe this is a way of testing you to see if you are truly ready to be teaching another being how to react to situations. I know it is very hard not to be jealous, but maybe if you take a deep breath, you can be happy for her. Don't get me wrong, I totally know how the "One Person" deal works, I'm just saying maybe you need to brush it off and prepare for your own excitement! It WILL come. Best of Luck!

Posted by: Jessica at January 11, 2006 01:37 PM (mCNIN)

13 I read everyday...Yes, everyone does have that "one person". Mine beat me everytime at anything. Keep your spirits up - and thinking "good" thoughts!

Posted by: Sandi at January 11, 2006 01:46 PM (IvecJ)

14 Helen, you NEVER suck. I guess I don't have enough information to understand why you would think you'll lose your father over this. I know we all have our rivals (even if they don't know they are rivals and it is only in our heads). Maybe it is a test sent by the universe. If so, I hope you can pass that test. Anger and resentment are probably not the best attitudes to go into IVF with. I don't know you and never will (probably). But through your writings I have come to care about you immensely. I want the best for you and Angus; Blackberries, a job you love and many babies crawling around your feet along with the cats...lol. I hope it happens, Helen. I really hope it happens.

Posted by: kenju at January 11, 2006 01:48 PM (xO1SY)

15 Unfortunately, I have more than one person. Well, I should say, my One Person has changed over time as they have all gotten pregnant. Right now, it's my SIL because she already has one baby and is now seeing the same REI doctor that I am, and doesn't have trouble ovulating. I know she'll get pregnant before me and I am trying to prepare myself so I can at least pretend to be happy for her. Here's a De-Lurking Week hug for you!

Posted by: donna at January 11, 2006 01:53 PM (JzlsR)

16 My one-person just got pregnant too...my stepsister....with twins...a boy and a girl. You are not a bad person--don't even think that. Good luck to you.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 11, 2006 02:15 PM (CvXyw)

17 I'm re-uncloaking to make this comment 16. You're not a bitch, just human. "keep on, keeping on"...

Posted by: Jayne at January 11, 2006 02:16 PM (FTMAC)

18 I have a one person. She is thinner than me, has three beautiful children and a successful marriage. While I'm happy for her victories, she doesn't even like me and won't acknowledge me. And, the only time my mother is interested in me is when she isn't getting along with the one person. That's right, my one person is my sister. And it hurts. None of your posts suck. Sometimes, there is nothing I can say that would really contribute or help, so I just read and keep you in my positive thoughts. Other times, I wonder if you've read my comments or e-mails. Either way, I am reading while wishing you all the best, everyday.

Posted by: Serena at January 11, 2006 02:18 PM (C1IIN)

19 Though my husband and I choose never to have children, I hope so very much that you and Angus are successful.

Posted by: jennifer at January 11, 2006 02:22 PM (lHvU3)

20 I'm only just glad that your team was supportive of you. You know that I am hoping for only the best for you, Helen.

Posted by: RP at January 11, 2006 02:25 PM (LlPKh)

21 Happy de-lurking week, and all the best in your quest to be a Mama. I wish you peace & love.

Posted by: Tracy at January 11, 2006 02:38 PM (Yj2qM)

22 I've posted a couple of times. We have a couple of things in common. I used to work in telecom in Raleigh (before getting laid off in 2001). I also had an English bf back then. If I had made better decisions then, I could be where you are now, instead of where I am now (back at square one). I read your posts with interest, and just a touch of envy. Okay, maybe more than a touch.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 11, 2006 02:46 PM (V45OB)

23 I have never commented on your blog and I honestky don't remember how I found you but I stop by everyday, sometimes more than once because I find your writing wonderful. I can relate on so many levels. Hi! My name is Jenn and I live in the United States.

Posted by: Jenn at January 11, 2006 02:52 PM (paRPL)

24 Hey -- I've been reading your blog for quite some time. You're a really great writer and I have enjoyed getting to "know" you through your blog. Hope tomorrow is a better day . . . ~D

Posted by: D at January 11, 2006 02:58 PM (ruoV0)

25 You never have suck days. You just sometimes have days where there is absolutely nothing I could say that you haven't already said.

Posted by: Lindsay at January 11, 2006 03:16 PM (PiVxN)

26 Hey Helen! I've been reading your blog for over a year now, and altough I never write , I have come to really care about you and wish you the best of luck with the IVF, Blackberries, and everything else. You deserve it!

Posted by: Paola at January 11, 2006 03:19 PM (OWcWc)

27 Delurking today. The first thing I do each morning is get a cup of coffee then sit down to read your blog. I wish you all you can handle of the best of everything.

Posted by: Kim at January 11, 2006 03:52 PM (GLZoD)

28 Hi Helen, De-lurking. I have been following blogs of women in various stages of infertility/adoption/surrogacy for a while now, and there are some that might be worthwhile to look at. They get "the One", and their writing is eloquent and often humorous. I tried to send an email earlier (didn't go through--something with my computer), but I would start with the archives of http://www.alittlepregnant.com and check out her massive list of links to other women dealing with the same issues you are (she has a group of close internet friends that call themselves the Vagina Posse). It might be a good place to start. Best wishes, always.

Posted by: Mandarin at January 11, 2006 03:57 PM (LcyhB)

29 I lurk more often than not, but sweetie, I don't think you've ever had a suck post on this blog. Well, unless it was about blowjobs, but that's a whole different story. Major virtual hugs coming your way from Houston.

Posted by: amy t. at January 11, 2006 03:58 PM (xKhv0)

30 You know, I almost didn't post a single word about my pregnancy -- because I was sore afraid I would hurt you. I mean that. I am quite aware that my AMA pregnancy has possibly dinged your already raw and rough feelings and I hope that YOU know that -- if I could -- I'd have a baby FOR you. I mean it. I didn't exactly trip and stand up pregnant, but it was damned close to that and sometimes, I really really wish I could bestow that fertility upon you. It's not something that I am ashamed of, but I am aware of how blessed that makes me. You know how often I read your writing. . .and when I read posts such as this, my heart aches and I would love to hug the stuffing out of you. I don't know how to help. I suspect sometimes, I'm hurting. And I really, really hate that. Because I love you, little girl. And me? Lurk? Psh. If I read, I comment. I'm egotistical like that. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at January 11, 2006 04:10 PM (nwEQH)

31 What I hate about the "One Person" reality that I'm sure we all endure is the fact that I allow that entity to bother me. I end up furious with myself for letting the "One" be important enough to me for me to give a care about them. Try not to let the Obnoxious Entity obscure the Joyful Hopeful Message of The Ghost of Christmas Future. To allow an insignificant entity to intrude is a travesty. My Best to you and Angus and the Kitties. The Blackberries will be a welcoming home for your family.

Posted by: Foggy at January 11, 2006 04:17 PM (Ah2V/)

32 wonderful boyfriend asked me the other night if something happened between us if I thought I would be willing to have another child. I had my tubes tied years ago and would have to get a reversal, or go thru IVF, or adopt. Part of me would love another baby, and part of me thinks, "good lord, not all that again." there is something about being a mother that is tied into our central core as women. I can only imagine how difficult all of this has been for you. There is NOTHING WRONG with having feelings. It's what you do with them that matters. Feelings, you can't always control. Actions, you can. Don't judge yourself for your feelings, weigh the merit of your actions. I don't know the answer to wonderful Bf's question yet. Or to yours. But I do know that you will find the answers, Helen, and they will be the right ones for you, and things will work out as they should. You will be in my thoughts. And no, this wasn't a suck-post.

Posted by: trouble at January 11, 2006 04:35 PM (j2vfb)

33 Lurk, lurk lurk........ *Gasp!** Lurk, lurk, lurk.... I tried to think of something funny to say to get your mind off things, but nothing comes to mind. Just take a deep breath and take comfort in the fact that a lot of people read your blog and wish you the best of luck.

Posted by: David at January 11, 2006 04:39 PM (cZIis)

34 Not a lurker, as you know, but a faithful reader... and, I hope, considered a blog-friend. I so can feel for you on the 'One Person'. Not in the area of pregnancy, but in other areas of my life. It does hurt. Terribly. Don't let anyone tell you differently. But get the crying out and the yelling and the pounding of the pillows, then dry your eyes and think positive thoughts, for you, too, will be a mama soon and your Dad will be there for you probably stronger than ever. Keep the communication open and it will happen. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Posted by: sue at January 11, 2006 05:15 PM (WbfZD)

35 I felt for you during this whole post. When my One Person became pregnant, I was angry and bitter. Why was it that both of my siblings that can't take care of themselves could have children and I couldn't? I was pissed off and bitter and it was hard to come to terms with it. My husband and I decided that fertility treatments were not for us. I had read enough in the blogosphere that knew I couldn't do it. So last May, I made a decision that I wasn't going to be bitter at my siblings (afterall I have 2 nieces and a nephew that I adore). I didn't want to be that person. I understand those feelings.

Posted by: Tif at January 11, 2006 05:16 PM (jCFyL)

36 1st comment, long-time fan. Best wishes to you and Angus. Hugs & kisses from Atlanta, Georgia.

Posted by: Scottie at January 11, 2006 05:43 PM (rShyX)

37 As a guy with a One Person, I /salute you. I recommend hot chocolate, Nintendogs, and comfy slippers. Be well, Helen.

Posted by: Michael at January 11, 2006 05:56 PM (gDkSs)

38 I am an old man, but my daughter is going through some of the same things you are going through. It is a sad thing.

Posted by: iowaslovak at January 11, 2006 05:58 PM (U3sRl)

39 It is my own personal, subjective, selfish, bitchy feeling that your One Person has absolutely NO BUSINESS trying to bring a child into the world at all. But we already knew I was a bitch, right? I kind of have a little feeling you and your father will be all right regardless. I certainly hope so, anyway. Please don't think less-than-15-comments = suck! I know many of the posts I like the best I don't comment on because they affect me sufficiently that I don't know how to express my reaction. Yours in bitchiness,

Posted by: ilyka at January 11, 2006 06:05 PM (joMqM)

40 Helen, this may not mean boo-hiss shit to you, but I wanted to tell you this. Having two children of my own, that I love dearly, I still have the One Person. Now it may seem selfish, having children of my own, that I became jealous and upset when this One Person became pregnant, but its only because I know what a wonderful blessing and joy it is to have children, and also how much work it is, that I felt (and still feel) the way I did(do). I do not want to deny anyone parenthood, no matter what, but on the other hand, like you said, there are a myriad of reasons for feeling the way you do now. And no, one of them is not because you are a bitch. My particular person is very, very selfish. The sting of her quickly planning and having her wedding two weeks before mine, just so she could be before me, still hurt. Even though she only met her husband in mid-June, and was married to him the following July, without knowing that he was deeply in debt and had already fathered a child she would not find out about until she was herself 6 months pregnant. Yes, I was still upset about it. But it was not her first pregnancy that bothered me as much as the second. The second pregnancy occured out of her selfishness-her need to quick have a baby with a man she had already decided to leave. They baby came, and a few months later she left her husband. Since then, she spends most of the time at the bar with her boyfriend, leaving the kids with her mother or with their dad, who is really an asshole but what can you do-the courts say he has vistitation rights. Truth is, my One Person leaves the kids with him when it is not his week-usually for Christmas and other holidays-because she wants to party with her new guy. So where I am going with all this? I understand how you feel. Others may not get it, but when she announced for the second time that she was pregnant, I was livid-then upset. I cried, and hurt. My mom asked just what the hell my problem was-I had one beautiful girl already. We were trying for another. So what was my problem. Yes, some of it was that she got pregnant so easily, with a child she even admitted was conceived solely because she knew she was leaving her husband, but wanted to have another kid and figured it would be just as easy if they had the same father. When I was trying to conceive a child, and meeting all sorts of women who could not get pregnant on their own, I was humbled and realizing how lucky I was to have given birth-and if that was all I would ever have then that was fine. It was better than fine-it was wonderful. That she didn't take care of the one she had-she didn't deserve another. That my best friend, at thirty years of age, had to have a hysterectomy and could not have kids (and I suppose I was her One Person), but my One Person was having one because "hey, why the hell not?" I sat with my girlfriend through countless hours and tears, and my Person could just do it without any thought, any regard to how much of a responsiblilty it is to bring a child into this world? She should know, she already had a child! Now I sit, watching sadly as those kids grow up as pawns between two bitter parents, as rag dolls that their mother throws aside when she is done playing with them, and I think to myself 'why did I have to be right?'. It is why I understand how you feel, the blow you were given. But I also believe that good things happen to good people. She may have two children-but so do I. I did eventually get pregnant again, when I stopped worrying about it happening, and just began living my life and enjoying my daughter. I know that means nothing to you, that your situation is completely different. I hurt for you-that this path has been so difficult. I do believe in my heart that everything happens for a reason. I know you are worrying about your father, of losing what you just gained. Talk to the therapist about it. You and I are alike in the sense that we are so concerned about what others think of us-their opinions become our identities. Don't let it consume you-you have so much in your life that is good, and I know you are aware of that. I also know it does not make the hurt go away, or the longing less deep. I do believe it will happen for you and Angus. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but that is all I can give you. That and lots of support. Take it, for what it is worth. And I agree with michelle-sometimes things happen and what they really mean are not evident right away. Take good care of yourself, and a warm compress usually helps with the swollen eyes. )

Posted by: Teresa at January 11, 2006 06:17 PM (zf0DB)

41 helen, i am one of the lurkers that reads all the time but rarely comments. 1. because there's another amber that regularly comments 2. because sometimes there are just no words after the things you say. although my punches in the stomache are not the same as yours i feel my own that much more strongly when you speak of your own. i also feel the laughs when you share those.

Posted by: gemtaur80/amber at January 11, 2006 06:27 PM (Sn5k/)

42 None of your posts are "suck-posts" stop it! I just don't always have the time to say something, or (more often) something valid to say, although I read all your posts and I have for...what, two years now? :-) I don't know how to give you comfort over the cyber-airwaves except with this: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HELEN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know you were hurting when you wrote this. I hope by the time you read this, you're feeling better. :-) {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HELEN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Because you can never get too many hugs. Never ever. Please hug Angus a LOT and let him take care of you; that's what he's for. :-)

Posted by: Amber at January 11, 2006 06:31 PM (zQE5D)

43 Love your blog, haven't read a single suck-post yet! Good luck with everything!

Posted by: Grace at January 11, 2006 07:16 PM (3vecu)

44 I've been a faithful reader for the last two years... your blog is the first thing I read every morning! You have come a long way in that time, and I don't know if you realize how strong you really are. It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do... it's human nature. I'm sending good thoughts your way, and I truly hope you will be able to see the sun shine again soon.

Posted by: liv at January 11, 2006 07:20 PM (AbDXn)

45 Jill the lurker here. You don't have suck-posts. You just leave us speachless. Hang in there.

Posted by: Jilly at January 11, 2006 07:28 PM (vy163)

46 Delurking. Hang in there, Helen and good luck.

Posted by: Amy at January 11, 2006 08:31 PM (/MT8a)

47 I completely understand about the one person. Not the pregnancy stuff specifically but that one person who always seems to get everything, who when you think about them you wonder how you got so bitchy... Sigh. I know. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's SO so hard and I know there are no words to make it better except maybe to know that there are many of us out here hoping for you...

Posted by: martha at January 11, 2006 08:43 PM (LD83r)

48 you can't blame yourself for being human and being scared. good writing on all your post.

Posted by: Jerome at January 11, 2006 08:51 PM (CFDUO)

49 I don't hate you. I agree with you. We all feel that way from time to time, whether that One Person got PG, or got the job you wanted, or got the man you wanted, or whatever. We all have someone in our lives who seems to be able to get the one thing we want MOST DESPERATELY and work sooooo hard for effortlessly. Wish I was there so I could pop in and give you a hug and bring you more kleenex... You're going to make it Helen, and you're going to be a great mom, and it's going to be ok. I know it. Sooner or later. Call me clairvoyant.... Big hugs to you and your Angus.

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 11, 2006 09:07 PM (uI/79)

50 Dearest Helen - HUGE HUGE hugs to you. Just reading about your sobs breaks my heart. Having no desire to have children of my own, I can't imagine that heart ache... but I do know the One... such as the punch to the gut that is "Your Ex BF is engaged to your Ex-Best Friend"... Would you ever consider a seragate? I don't know if they are hard to find, but its something that I know I've always felt called to do. Probably because a dear friend desperately wanted a baby for years... well, just a question...

Posted by: SaraJane at January 11, 2006 09:33 PM (lvhnO)

51 Helen, I read all the time, but get stupidly shy about commenting. Kinda because you clearly have commenters you know well, and I don't like to invade... I am soooo sorry for your hurt. My younger sister had to go thru historectomy in her early twenties, and it broke my heart I couldn't do anything for her. Just hang in there, we all are hoping for you. And let Angus do what he can to comfort you, it can make both of you feel better.

Posted by: stephanie at January 11, 2006 09:51 PM (9G6jC)

52 Helen, I've read over almost all of your posts and I have yet to find one that I may truly call a "suck" post. Some of us don't comment on every post because we may have nothing useful to say. That's not a bad thing on you, just a few of us tend to feel like total asses if we have to comment and pass our own observations on every tidbit of your life you share with us. And occasionally you close comments, which is pretty much self-explanatory. Sometimes not commenting means we are just listening, like a friend who listens to another vent without feeling the need to constantly offer half-assed advice on every problem. I once had that bad habit and try hard not to succumb to it anymore. So please don't always take silence as a bad sign. And as far as this current post goes, I have nothing useful to offer other than I'm sorry you are so upset over this matter and hope that things will improve as time goes on.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 11, 2006 10:02 PM (gkwrQ)

53 Don't forget that you always reap what you sow.

Posted by: Helene at January 11, 2006 10:53 PM (Jo+5o)

54 My name is Dave, and I am a lurker. I read your site almost every day (stranger, pun intended). While I do not post a comment most of the time, you are my favorite read. Looking at the number of comments, this is definetly not a Suck Post Day! Have a good one, although you are probably in bed already.

Posted by: Dave T. at January 11, 2006 11:35 PM (hkvGr)

55 You don't suck and you're not bitchy. Maybe we don't understand it but it doesn't mean you are a horrible person. So many have and don't appreciate and here you have been trying for so long so that you can love and cherish. It doesn't seem fair and it impacts people. At least you're honest...I wish more people would be honest. The best of luck to you Helen...I really hope this works for you.

Posted by: Serenity at January 11, 2006 11:46 PM (4tnCb)

56 I have more than one person if you didn't have atleast one I'd wonder if you were human.Like you said..you are probably someone's ONE PERSON maybe we all are and if you're going to be one you're allowed to have one Positive energy is a powerful thing and from the look of the comments I'd say the IVF can't fail.

Posted by: Fawn at January 12, 2006 01:23 AM (2PTqR)

57 Hello. Comment here sometimes, but mostly just learn from your wisdom. Thanks for sharing the hard parts of your life as well as the happy times. This can't be easy for you, but you will come out on the other side and be just fine. Karen

Posted by: Karen at January 12, 2006 03:12 AM (6krEN)

58 Hey Helen, de-lurking here. Came across your blog a while ago, read it all the time. You're absolutely wonderful and I'm sure you'll make a great mother.

Posted by: Claudia at January 12, 2006 04:31 AM (aNgDU)

59 Don't forget that you always reap what you sow. Hey, not only is it De-lurking Week, it's apparently also Moralizing Week! Cool! Awesome! Here's mine, Helene--would love to know your expert opinion on it: Don't forget that no one likes a sanctimonious, nagging moralizer. No one is ever truly friends with such people and absolutely no one ever loves them! Sanctimonious nagging moralizers also tend strongly towards the completely unfuckable, and quite often smell! So. How'd I do?

Posted by: ilyka at January 12, 2006 08:13 AM (joMqM)

60 (((((((HELEN))))))))) So many, many of us do understand. Iremember, after umpty miscarriages, finding out that my One Person was having a baby... I practically destroyed the apartment in rage and tears. I have nothing brilliant to say, so many of your lovely commenters have said it before, just sending love down the wire... Elizabeth

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 12, 2006 02:12 PM (ceeh7)

61 Helen, i am so sorry you are going through this. I am not really a lurker as i do sometimes comment. less than 15 doesnt = suck post. Maybe some people like me feel a little unworthy to pass comment. I don't know you, i just read about your life on an almost daily basis for almost as long as you have written, but i dont really feel qualified to have an opinion. However, if there was anything i could do to help you, i would do it. I think you are a truely amazing human being Helen and you are not a bad person for having feelings. Hang in there, Abs xxxx

Posted by: abs at January 12, 2006 04:41 PM (Z5qG3)

62 I love you, babe, and I'm thinking about you.

Posted by: kitty at January 12, 2006 07:32 PM (cyfSY)

63 Helen, This is definitely not a "Suck Posts Day". I haven't been reading you for very long, but I have read most of your archives, and don't think you have any Suck Posts Days. As for the issue at hand...I can't recall having a One Person, but I can understand your feelings because I am a mother who wanted to be a mother, so I know that yearn to create and nurture a child. I truly wish, hope, and pray that you and Angus will be parents soon. In the meantime, I urge you to focus your energies on this endeavor rather than thinking about the One Person. I know it may be hard, but at least when that little bundle of joy arrives, because one day he or she will, you will know you did everything you could to bring him or her to this world. Those stressors take their toll on our bodies, so keep your chin up, and that positive energy going!

Posted by: Amanda at January 13, 2006 02:49 AM (6fklk)

64 De-lurking to say "hi" and I do care. That's why I read. I'll e-mail you.

Posted by: liv at January 13, 2006 07:23 AM (alGQE)

65 I read you every day or try to. If not then I catch up after the fact. (Like today...) Many times I do not comment though. Usually because I have tears welling up in my eyes, usually because your post has left such an impression that I am not sure what I could add to what you have said. You are a wonderful writer and there are no suck posts. I am sorry about your one person. Hang in there!!

Posted by: Lee at January 13, 2006 11:49 AM (PYZOC)

66 Hi Helen, I'm delurking to say that I am so sorry this is so painful for you. I completely understand what it's like to have the One Person in your life whom you may love but it just hurts so damn much to be compared to. It sucks bushels. I'm thinking about you! Dasha--sending good vibes across the pond...

Posted by: Dasha at January 13, 2006 02:45 PM (iwajf)

67 There. I've finally done it after weeks of lurking. Feel better about myself, too. Oh, and about the One Person? Shame on me, I've got two. Here's the good news. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it won't make you a bad mother either. It just makes you REAL. Good luck with IVF. I could tell you happy tales of success from here til tomorrow, but instead I'll just say, "I believe."

Posted by: Melanie at January 14, 2006 03:09 AM (9t8X+)

68 I've left you notes before, so I'm not a total lurker. Just a part-time lurker.

Posted by: Di at January 14, 2006 07:28 PM (KJE2B)

69 I think everyone has a One Person, even if it isn't about fertility. Im so sorry your life is sucking right now. Big hugs!

Posted by: That Girl at January 17, 2006 03:40 PM (QzfsY)

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