December 30, 2005

Time For a Re-Cap

So in two days it will be 2006. 2006. Sounds like some kind of sci-fi movie, where we should be able to read each other's thoughts and ride a hovering scooter to work, travelling on the inside of a tube as we skate through a clean, organic recycling type of environment.

I think the future is looking a bit more like Blade Runner at this point, but then again, I am a cynic.

2005 is nearly over. As I was walking into the village this morning to pick up some white wine I had a long think about what 2005 really was, and how it will go down in the annals of my dodgy memory. Although the adult years are easier to remember than the childhood years (and not just because I am getting old), I still forget a whole lot of shit as I go. Or, rather, it's all the shit I remember, which is part of the problem.

2005 didn't see the revolutionary changes that 2004 did. I didn't move into a new country, new job, new house, and all with a lovely new man. I didn't walk into an airport and head into a new life on the other side. I didn't bring my girls over from Sweden to live with me, and I didn't walk with wonder into Dream Job's office building for the first time.

But 2005 has a quiet goodness to it in many, many ways.

It has some serious suck factor, but some of the highs make the year.

The worst things about 2005? Has to be the job. No question about it, hands-down, what's-the-point-of-this-question, the job sucked a clown's ass. I survived it, I maybe even did well, but at the same time the job? Yeah. Not my life anymore. In 2005 I learnt that managers are not to be trusted, that no one gives a fuck if you work yourself to death, and that telecom still is a man's world. Having a woman in this man's world only has the same reaction as using a stick to stir up an ant hill.

It was also a turbulent year in the home market. After three failed sales, we finally lifted the great white elephant known as Angus' house in Brighton. There was much champagne, much elation, a bit of sadness on Angus' part, and a return to being able to sleep at nights.

We also had the Blackberries, we lost the Blackberries, had it, lost it, and now have it again. The bad news is the Blackberries is now in a unique English real estate situation called a chain. Chains are the bane of the average home buyer's existence. Say you own a house and want to sell it and buy a new one. Maybe you sell yours to a nice young couple who are selling their flat, and you buy a house from an elderly woman. The elderly woman in turn buys a house from a family moving to Spain, who can't move until they find a house in Spain. So all of us are waiting until each part of the chain moves on, we can't move into any propertt until it does and if any part of the links fail, the whole chain collapses.

We are in such a situation now. The woman selling us the Blackberries had arranged to buy a property. When the sale of our house in Brighton fell through in October, she therefore lost the house she was buying. Now that we are ready to buy hers she has to find another property to buy, but this process can take months and can result in all of us being in another chain.

In other words, we have the house of our dreams, but aren't likely moving anytime soon.

In terms of blogging, I think I am making progress to sitting my butt down and trying to write something down. I have low confidence, and on top of that am a bit lazy about writing long-term things. I also have to write in strict conditions-I tend to need to be alone, and I do better with no distractions. Blogging this year has become less of an "I MUST write 5 times a week" and more of a "Dear God, please let me have time on the train to write my next blog post" kind of activity. But I still love it, I still get a lot out of it, and although I visit other blogs daily I almost never comment, so please don't hold it against me.

In Blogland, I met her this year. She has become my drive-by buddy, my vent for infertility, and the one who seems to tolerate "Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld" with the greatest aplomb. I love her, even though she can wear lite tampons when the Period Fairy comes (did I mention to you, S, that I found a new type of tampon here, one called-I kid you not-extra super plus? It's like using a toilet paper tube stuffed with a bichon frise! I love the things!)

One of the greatest highlights this year is when I reached out and grabbed a therapist. Once a week I sit in a Scandinavian style loft, in the middle of an Edwardian neighborhood (the dichotomy, she kills me). Once a week I try to sort through the smoldering ruin inside of me. What I have found is that I am more profoundly damaged than I ever thought was possible. I have also found that with this therapist, I can be fixed, and if I can be fixed then I will no longer be an imposter among the living.

Someday, I can just be me.

Now that will be a hell of a blog post when it happens.

I travelled this year, to Hawaii, Egypt, France, California, Finland, and an all-expense paid number to Monaco, where I learnt that I can not only not gamble, but that I am in no way, shape or form a Versace girl. This year Angus became a certified diver, and the two of us, we love it. Up next is his daughter getting certified, and when his son is old enough, the four of us can see amazing things together. Our next holiday is coming up in February and we are aiming for warm places that we can dive, swim and snorkel in. When we return, I can't wait to start the nose sprays, as I think of that other childless woman who will be my partner in IVF every day.

2005 passed with a strong current of loving the norm. My two cats are so firmly entrenched in my heart and thoughts that they take away the still-daily sting of missing my dog. The cats drive me nuts, they try my patience, but I swear I'll maim the first person that hurts one of them and I'll enjoy doing so.

So 2005? I travelled on trains, I drank my Starbucks, I shagged my lovely Angus and I loved curling up on the couch with him. I forgave my father, gotten closer to my stepmother, and missed my grandfather. I fed the wild birds, I made killer risottos, and I loved this semi-normal life that I seem to have found. I stressed out before his kids visit as I want things to go well, but when they are here they are noisy, exhausting, and utterly and completely hilarious.

2005 is nearly over, and in thirty years when I think back on 2005, I hope to have one memory spring to mind:

Last night we went to our local curry restaurant, advertised as the county's finest (which, in my opinion, it bloody well is). We ate far too much curry and naan bread, we laughed and talked and had a brilliant evening, and as we walked back it was snowing. Angus picked up his son Jeff and carried him for a while, hugging him, the two of them smelling like korma and fireside evenings. Melissa came up to me, grinning, and linked her arm through mine. She demanded we skip home, and I showed her how to skip the Wizard of Oz way. We skipped home a la Dorothy and the Scarecrow, both of us giggling hysterically, the way lit by the twinkling tree lights of the homes on the cricket green, the chatter of Angus and Jeff beside us, and we left behind us complicated footprints in the snow.

Now that is a good 2005 memory.

Happy New Year, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you've been here, that the roller coaster of 2005 didn't have to be alone.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:22 AM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 1454 words, total size 8 kb.

1 What an awesome memory to hold!!

Posted by: Mitzi at December 30, 2005 12:32 PM (Z9f6O)

2 Yes what a woderful memory that is to hold onto. It's the simple things in life, as they say.

Posted by: justme at December 30, 2005 01:30 PM (2rWEa)

3 happy new year.

Posted by: sn at December 30, 2005 01:37 PM (cHOGW)

4 Happy New Year - H. Be safe.

Posted by: Tiffani at December 30, 2005 01:54 PM (KE4Gu)

5 Happy new year Everyday Stranger. You've made my year very enjoyable. Thank you for letting me spy into your life, it lets me feel not so alone.

Posted by: jennifer at December 30, 2005 02:11 PM (lHvU3)

6 I am so very happy for you. I love memories like that which you can tuck away in the drawer of your mind, carefully folded, to take out occasionally and smooth out and feel all over again how you felt for those brief moments. Life is so much more good than bad.

Posted by: trouble at December 30, 2005 03:19 PM (j2vfb)

7 Happy New Year Helen!!

Posted by: That Girl at December 30, 2005 03:37 PM (QzfsY)

8 "It's like using a toilet paper tube stuffed with a bichon frise!" Now THERE'S a visual for you! Have a happy new year!

Posted by: donna at December 30, 2005 03:40 PM (tN5Gk)

9 Happy New Year! I hope 2006 lets you shed the bad of 2005, opening all of that space to happiness in the new year.

Posted by: amy t. at December 30, 2005 03:44 PM (xKhv0)

10 You know what I take from this? That for all the high suckage that 2005 did bestow on you, in sum? It was a brilliant year, shining the full promise it exposed on the one up ahead. Here's to 2006. Bring it on. Happy New Year, dear heart.

Posted by: Jennifer at December 30, 2005 04:12 PM (jl9h0)

11 I don't know much, but I know alot about work in high pressure businesses. I don't know Great Britian, but I know the U.S. so here are my comments on work. You are absolutely correct when you say you can work yourself to death. I have seen it actually happen. So don't let work consume your being, don't let work be how you identify your worth. Do enjoy work, It sounds like you have a great team and great camaraderie. Set your business goals for the new year. (ex. how can u help promote your team members to newer and better jobs? how can u work yourself out of your current job.) What skunk works project can you do on the side that will promote the business and give technical satisfaction? (most managers don't realize that true innovation happens outside of organized projects.) You are correct in that women in telecom and other technical areas are a minority. Use your feminitiy to your advantage. Men cannot take advantage of a "classy" lady. They look like jerks. Also remember that in the U.S. there are "quotas" for women. I don't know if this applies to where you are, but since you are a minority, bosses should be looking out to promote you in an effort to break the glass ceiling. If possible find a mentor, but never ever go to the Human resource department. As a side-line try to get young girls interested in the technical aspects of the world. good luck in 2006.

Posted by: iowaslovak at December 30, 2005 04:48 PM (U3sRl)

12 Helen, you are a brilliant and beautiful writer--and I am happy that you are out here in the blogosphere. Someday, methinks, I will be book-shopping and on the shelf in front of me, there you will be. God and Goddess Bless. Happy New Year, Brave Girl.

Posted by: Deb at December 30, 2005 05:00 PM (GOFVL)

13 Happy New year Helen

Posted by: butterflies at December 30, 2005 08:29 PM (EwrnT)

14 Read Deb's comment again - she said all I wanted to say!

Posted by: kenju at December 30, 2005 10:36 PM (xO1SY)

15 Happy New Year to you too! For all of the suckage that 2005 was for so many of us, here's to 2006 being much better for all of us.

Posted by: amber at December 31, 2005 12:27 AM (zszVe)

16 Happy New Year Helen! I hope this next year is wonderful for you. I know I always enjoyed reading your posts for the past one. You are a great writer.

Posted by: Lee at December 31, 2005 11:09 AM (PYZOC)

17 A wonderful image, Helen. May the new year bring you wonderful things. =)

Posted by: Amanda at December 31, 2005 01:25 PM (QZy33)

18 Happy New Year!

Posted by: Elizabeth at December 31, 2005 06:32 PM (uqPyj)

19 I can't tell you what a blessing it has been to find you this year and in this long-distance weird way of the blog how close I feel to you. You have been a little sister that I love and continually am on your side. You have given us so much hope and truth this year... we only want good for you. No one deserves it more. Have a good New Year, Helen, and keep those good memories coming. Thanks for letting us go along on the journey.

Posted by: sue at January 01, 2006 02:00 AM (GAC+X)

20 Yanno, maybe it's just me but wanting to bring a new life into the world is the ULTIMATE leap of faith. I'm loving you and wanting only the best of everything in 2006 for you, girl. Hugs and love,

Posted by: Margi at January 01, 2006 03:00 AM (nwEQH)

21 Happy New Year!! The best of what you want to you and Angus!

Posted by: azalea at January 01, 2006 04:53 AM (hRxUm)

22 A very happy new year to you! Thank you so much for your posts and emails and I hope everything works out splendidly in 2006 for you.

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 01, 2006 03:56 PM (EmI3M)

23 Happy New Year! Hope it brings you everything you hope for!

Posted by: sophie at January 01, 2006 07:50 PM (yZwDD)

24 A Happy and fertile 2006, Helen! :-)

Posted by: Jocelyn at January 01, 2006 10:21 PM (jkRb/)

25 It has been a hell of a ride. Can't wait to see what 2006 has in store. Happy New Year Helen!

Posted by: Teresa at January 02, 2006 02:16 AM (zf0DB)

26 Happy New Year. I just feel it inside me - THIS year will be better - different.

Posted by: Dana at January 02, 2006 05:16 PM (b7OKi)

27 Happy New Year Helen, it has been a pleasure to read your trials and tribulations this year. I hope 2006 is a wonderful year for you. Abs xxxx

Posted by: abs at January 02, 2006 06:39 PM (Z5qG3)

28 Happy New Year!

Posted by: circe at January 03, 2006 02:45 AM (tlMa+)

29 It's always good to visit you Helen...I truly enjoy reading your posts and find your candid honesty very very refreshing... I wish you an extremely wonderful 2006!!! You deserve to have all your dreams come true, and more. I'll be back, I'm sure throughout this New Year, which is already in it's second day and where you are...into it's 3rd!

Posted by: OldOldLady Of The Hills at January 03, 2006 03:24 AM (X4iDx)

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