This morning I get to spend my time dashing to the airport to pick up my express package visa, then stand in a line (or should I call it a queue?) forever at the embassy to try to get a work permit stamped into my passport. I am prepared to beg, cry, plead, and above all, to take residence there until said passport is stamped. It is the final bit of work needed in order to get myself to my new job.

Ironically, just as my success comes in, a fight with my family comes in also. A few misunderstandings forms the basis, but above all is this: they don't understand that my job is who I am. I have said it before on my site, and I say it again now-I am a pretty screwed up individual. My job becomes the cornerstone of what drives and defines me. And I know it's not right, I know a job is just a job. I have learned myself from personal experience that a job doesn't give a fuck about me, I'm just a resource to be used and abused.

I am working on this. I know that my job isn't me, but a job gives me something to quiet the noise and the hatred of everthing else that I am. I am looking for other things to base myself on. Maybe I have found them, maybe I haven't, but believe me when I say...I know this is a problem. But I can't fix it just yet.

That's my kibbles. Now for my bits. You know...it's March 1 today. March 1. March-month of Ides, St. Patrick's Day, and the ability to change our clocks. And while for many people it means they get to flip a calendar page today, for me it means something more.

1 month until my 30th birthday.

That's right.
On April 1 (go ahead, make the jokes) I will be 30.

It didn't affect me, really. It was just a date. Until last week they showed the "Friends" episode where Rachel turns 30 (we're a little bit behind on the shows here in Sweden). And they made such a big deal out of it. Like it was a key part of some kind of life plan or something (when the truth is, the "Friends" actors came and went from 30 a long time ago). But in this episode, they had all these goals: married by 30, kids by 35, careers, blah blah blah. And X Partrner Unit turns to me and says "You know, you're Ross. You're the Ross in this situation". (Ross was married and divorced twice before he was 30.) I turned back to him and said, "No honey. I imagine we won't be divorced before then."

And we laughed ruefully, smiling at each other.

Best Friend told me that I will then officially be out of the attractive range, as he goes for women under 30. That's his choice, but the women under 30 tend to be in the "settling down phase", so he'd better do the engagement ring shopping early (this said by Helen, who currently has such a loud biological clock that she can't even hear the TV anymore.)

What'll I have at 30? Well, if the embassy visits, etc go well, then I will be in the UK. I will be at Dream Job. Hopefully, I will have found a flat to live in by then.

In other words, I will be starting over completely from scratch, complete with eating my meals hovering over the kitchen sink and needing to buy a complete collection of seasonal nail polishes again.

I'll take it slowly, but for now, the fact that 30 is one month away hangs over my head, making it buzz around inside my brain.

30. Wow.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:17 AM | Comments (35) | Add Comment
Post contains 646 words, total size 3 kb.

1 I didn't find turning 30 really hit me much at all. I really enjoyed and remember it well because my family threw a big party with friends from away back (and we didn't usually do parties for the adults back then). I found my 31st birthday much more unsettling and causing of introspection. You've sure been through a lot in the last while. Here's wishing for you the strength to enjoy the challenges & all the work coming up to launch the next incarnation of Helen. And you're right... you can't work on everything at once without becoming totally overwhelmed. Pick your battles, give them your best, then move on to the next foe when you're renewed & ready. Good luck with the fight... you're inspiring a lot of us to keep going too. Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark at March 01, 2004 07:37 AM (Hrm9v)

2 30 looks pretty good from where I'm sitting. Of course 20 looks better, but I can't even remember that far back.

Posted by: Sue at March 01, 2004 07:57 AM (txHte)

3 I remember being so stressed about turning 30...then when I did I ended up having a few of the absolute best years ever...infact I liked being 30 WAY better than being 20...just wish I could have stayed that age forever

Posted by: nisi at March 01, 2004 08:13 AM (VPVvz)

4 I recommened (if you haven't read it) "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I'm not going to spell any of it out, but I think it is relevant book for your situation.

Posted by: Page at March 01, 2004 08:28 AM (RG03p)

5 my exes birthday was 1 april. but she was *way* older than 30. um.. I suppose I am too does it count if I say I'm 30 and a half? (think about that one

Posted by: melanie at March 01, 2004 08:33 AM (jDC3U)

6 They say life begins at 30. Or 40. I can't remember. Having turned 30 only last year myself, I can say one thing. It's not that much different to 29.

Posted by: Simon at March 01, 2004 09:03 AM (FUPxT)

7 I´ll be 30 in September, and honestly don´t feel stressed at all. Like Simon said, I don´t expect it to be very different from 29. My V´s 30th birthday, last year, was a true blast. Gave her a very cool present, and made her dinner. She started felling old and less beautifull (silly..), so I have to hug her and kiss her more. Dirty job, but someone has got to do it ;-). The point to all this: women tend to face turning 30 in a different way than man do. And in my oppinion, much Ado about nothing... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at March 01, 2004 11:35 AM (vwAaM)

8 Paul-you have it rough right now, too. But I am thinking of you anyhow. Page-read it, absorbed it, and have to say-the book was good, but didn't change my life or anything, which somehow I had expected it to! Nisi, Melanie and Sue-if you want to say you're 30, I'll back you up! Miguel and Simon-so I am in good company then! Kim once paid me one of the nicest compliments in my life-he told me that I was beautiful, but that I was the type of woman who would only become more ethereal as I got older. Damn. No wonder I miss him, eh?

Posted by: Helen at March 01, 2004 12:45 PM (ss/ja)

9 Ah, well, I could try to dig myself out of this one but why bother! Given our strange 'Will and Grace'-esque relationship (I say strange because nobody believes the truth that H and I are just friends) I would just like to state the following for the record: H is attractive - incredibly so - and I am certain that unless she is involved in a horrendeous tragedy on the 1st April she will be increasingly so afterwards as well ... Sometimes you meet someone who fits into your life like the missing piece of a jigsaw making you feel more complete as a person. H is such a person in my life. Time and geography will not change that. Oh, and H, go for the rubber minidress and thigh length boots - I mean, what the fu(k

Posted by: Best Friend at March 01, 2004 12:58 PM (tdh2z)

10 30 is old hat . I turn 32 tommorow. I have the good fortune to share my day with Dr seuss, Bon Jovi and Mikhail Gorbachev.

Posted by: Drew at March 01, 2004 02:50 PM (CBlhQ)

11 I took 30 pretty hard. Up until then, my birthday had always been a big deal for me. I used to start telling people 2 months in advance how many shopping days were left until my birthday. Then as I got into my college years it became a drunkfest of epic proportions. On my 30th, I didn't do ANYTHING. My best friend finally came over and dragged me out of the house to have a beer with him, but I had a beer, and that was it. Shortly thereafter I came to realize that 30 was just a number, and since then my birthdays have regained their hallowed status. In a month you'll look back and laugh.

Posted by: Easy at March 01, 2004 03:14 PM (5aQnm)

12 Once I hit 25 I quit worrying about it (auto insurance rates drop at 25). The most fun I had about 30 was when my sis-in-law was about to turn and she was fretting about it in a major way. I sent her a card a day for a week, each one meaner than the last. She finally got the point and laughed. When it was my turn, she tried to return the favor, but it wasn't fun for her because I didn't care. Besides, until I hit 50, I won't even be half done yet.

Posted by: Ted at March 01, 2004 03:15 PM (blNMI)

13 About defining yourself by your job. It's funny, people define themselves by their relationships and then have nothing when they fall apart. People define themselves by their children and then don't know how to function when they move out. I don't see anything wrong with defining yourself by what you "do". Calling it a job is too simplistic. You function by being productive and that's wonderful! And lastly, at least you know what makes you tick. That's something to admire in itself.

Posted by: Amynah at March 01, 2004 03:21 PM (tqQaS)

14 You could be like my sister and tell everybody you're turning 29 again. She's been turning 29 for the past 3 years or so now

Posted by: imabug at March 01, 2004 03:25 PM (VzyPX)

15 I'm turning 30 in 18 days... though since I got accepted back to school, I'm a little more comfortable with it. At the beginning of the year, when it really hit me hard, I was scared. I kept thinking back to when I graduated high school, and all of the goals that I had set up for myself before I turned 30. I've barely scratched the surface, and so many things in my life have changed since then. But in January, I wasn't thinking about how I've changed since then, just that I hadn't accomplished anything from that original list.

Posted by: amber at March 01, 2004 03:31 PM (iJZeQ)

16 30 isn't a really big deal when you actually get around to hitting it ... but it really isn't small potatoes either -- I guess it has to do with a realization of any goals that one has set for oneself ... dunno ... I passed 30 a few years ago. In fact, I am planning my "album" anniversary for June 16 -- that's the 33 1/3 party where I scrounge up an old record player and have everyone bring in an LP ... we'll probably combine it with a "white elephant" party (gag gifts and knick-knacks) for another friend whose actual birthday is June 20th. But all that is secondary -- For Helen, who enjoys Gaelic so much, I have fabulous news -- ARMACHDAN LÈIR-SGRIOSAIL (Weapons of Mass Destruction), headed by Alasdair MacCaluim from East Kilbride, are working on composing Gaelic metal songs and translating a number of rock classics, including "Metal Gods" (Diathan Iarunn) by JUDAS PRIEST and "Die Die Darling" (Faigh Bàs, Bàs, Bàs a Leannan) by METALLICA. That's right Heavy Metal Gaelic ... how's that for a kick in the pants? Hope you enjoy, mo chariadh -- and update your presents list sometime in the next week so that we know what to get you for the anniversary of your "Discovery of America" ... Tioraidh, Kylan

Posted by: Kylan at March 01, 2004 03:32 PM (d18ri)

17 As you know, I turned 30 in January and it wasn't so bad. I called my mom and told her how old I felt and she said, "How old do you think I feel?!"

Posted by: Jennifer at March 01, 2004 03:35 PM (6Quju)

18 Kylan-updated, with my new UK address! Jennifer-I know, my mother just turned 50. She won't discuss it! Amynah-sadly, it's the only thing that I know makes me tick...SIGH

Posted by: Helen at March 01, 2004 03:55 PM (HybOT)

19 I keep tellin' you Helen...The decade of your thirties is fan-damn-tastic! Embrace it!

Posted by: Marie at March 01, 2004 04:00 PM (PQxWr)

20 I know, Marie-and I think you also mentioned that the sex is great. So I demand lots of great, wild, happy sex in the next ten years! Lots of it!

Posted by: Helen at March 01, 2004 04:02 PM (HybOT)

21 Getting older beats the alternative. Enjoy it. We worship youth, but we shouldn't. So many good things come with getting older. I wrote a poem entitled "Time Is My Friend". If we didn't get older, we wouldn't know the joy of being more experienced and resourceful in our jobs, children growing up, and loves growing deeper. Who would want to remain in their immature 20s forever? They were fun, but the 30s have been far more enjoyable, purposeful, and rewarding for me.

Posted by: Solomon at March 01, 2004 04:26 PM (t5Pi1)

22 Helen, don't sell yourself short, demand lots of great, wild, happy sex for the rest of your life! ;-) And as someone who turned 30 in January, I have to say that the new number in front bugged me for about half a week, when I promptly forgot all about it and now am back to just enjoying life as best I can...

Posted by: Gudy at March 01, 2004 04:48 PM (bKKzM)

23 Hi there. I just turned 28 a few weeks ago. I still have 2 more years til my 30th. Though, yeah, 30 is like a milestone for most people right? It's like...I don't know. I'd like to think it's just a number. But a number that kinda makes you older than most people. [did that make sense?] Anyhoo, advance Happy 30th. Hope you have a blast. Whatever it is you're planning to do on your special day. April Fools at that. Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at March 01, 2004 05:27 PM (xY2rJ)

24 I turned 39 this year, it sucks, no easier way to say it. My skin which has always been flawless has turned to shit and my ass is sagging but hey I make alot more money than I did when I was in my twenties to that is one redeeming factor. I am soo happy things are turning out for you. You certainly deserve it.

Posted by: cheryl at March 01, 2004 05:40 PM (/kuVz)

25 30 isn't so bad. 31 was more introspective for me--I guess because at 31 you're now "In Your 30s" and it hits a little harder. Now I'm 32 and I feel wiser than I ever have. I'm kinda digging my 30s so far.

Posted by: dave at March 01, 2004 05:43 PM (a16BY)

26 30? Hell, I have socks older than you. Spring chicken.: )

Posted by: Tee at March 01, 2004 06:24 PM (YF2Uq)

27 I turned 30 on Feb 3rd. It's really no big deal. I don't feel any different.

Posted by: Cornelia at March 01, 2004 06:46 PM (HlBfF)

28 my mom has always told me that she loved her thirties. she said that your twenties are chaotic and in your thirties you know yourself so much better and things just get better...in most ways, i'm looking forward to 30. I'm not so far away from their. time sure speeds by doesn't it? i'm so excited for you and your move!!

Posted by: kat at March 01, 2004 06:56 PM (QkuGS)

29 Staring again at 30? Pshaw, you're just at the beginning! I started over at 25, again at 34 and am looking at what my next corner can be now at 44! I believe that to truly live life you should effect a MAJOR change every 10 years so... live it full Helen!

Posted by: zeno at March 01, 2004 07:03 PM (XxPXA)

30 Thirty ain't so bad, Helen. It wasn't a big deal for me, just a reminder that I do have some plans I need to stay on track to hit. I'm getting there bit by bit but its all good. Don't let 30 scare you. Besides, Ryan turned 29 today so he's a month up on you. Look at the next year as a sweet opportunity rather than your 20's death rattle. By the way, when I read you were prepared to do anything to get the visa stamp, I was imagining your Mardi Gras story. That'd speed up the process!

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at March 01, 2004 09:00 PM (AyewP)

31 ...30 was great.. Had a blowout costume-bowling party and went as a Matador.. cooked a pig in the ground for 31 last year... no biggie.. hell, I'd already crossed most of my life's list off by 26... so, 30 was a bonus.. never expected to get past 25!... so, live large, Helen... age means nothing, it's all a state of mind, baby.... Happy early Birthday..

Posted by: Eric at March 01, 2004 11:54 PM (Py0cM)

32 counting 1 to 10 you include 10, so 30 is still in your twenties =) 31 was more of a bitch, no way to work it that you are anything but in your 30's Once you are ok with that, you'll find your 30's rock. Don't women reach some sort of sexual peak in their 30's? the same one guys reach in their late teens... how unfair is that, it tops out before you know what to do with it, once you figure out what to do with it you'd rather just take a nap, heh If anyone needs me I'll be over here napping =) Dane

Posted by: Dane at March 02, 2004 01:26 AM (ncyv4)

33 Dane, unfortunately there is that whole year before you are one. All I know is that I'm sleepier. Other than that there isn't all that much difference after 30.

Posted by: Guinness at March 02, 2004 04:38 AM (HUtSD)

34 ok...quit whining..I turn 42 the day before you turn thirty...thirty was fine...no bad veins in the legs, if you gain a few pounds it's not so hard to lose them, weird sexual positions don't necessitate emergency room visits...lol....mom turned 60 a couple of weeks ago..she decided to start going backwards...

Posted by: Mitzi at March 04, 2004 02:56 AM (auUoR)

35 Nothing much changed for me after I turned 30. I'm 32, married, and (...don't know if this is a good thing) still get hit on by 21-year-olds. I don't know when I will start looking (or acting) "my age." Whatever that means. Don't worry about it! Age is just a number. I think I was more neurotic about age BEFORE I turned 30. Now I just don't care. PS I thought you were like 22!

Posted by: dawn at March 05, 2004 06:43 AM (9SM5n)

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