July 30, 2004
Snippets
These are the kinds of short talks that we have at our house.
***************
Mr. Y: (flipping an omelette over in the pan) I'm making you some lunch.
Me: (Sticking my hand inside of his boxers and cupping his lovely balls and his penis) Mmmm...these feel lovely.
Mr. Y: The omelette is collapsing.
Me: Is that what you're calling it these days?
***************
Mr. Y: (explaining yet another bit of English culture that I didn't understand in his Higgins way) You wouldn't understand. It's a high-class thing.
Me: Hey-I'm very cultured. I understand about these things.
Mr. Y: You don't know dick.
Me: (raising an eyebrow) Oh honey. I do know dick.
Mr. Y: My point exactly. Tart.
***************
Me: (holding the remote in my hands) Look, Will and Grace is on!
Mr. Y: What do you find funny about this? Someone walks into the room and laughs! What's funny about that? (He takes the remote and changes to Newsnight, a political show).
Me: Look at that! That newscaster is hideous! And she's ugly, too! And ohmigod, that's the ugliest tie I've ever seen! (I can't help but check out newscaster's ties. And let it be said: men, please stop wearing pink shirts and pink ties. I can't help but think "labia" when I see it).
Mr. Y: I don't think it's that bad.
Me: Ohmigod! That guy, Slade Gorton? He looks like a skeleton! Or like the preacher from Poltergeist! Did they deliberately look for the ugliest people in the world to interview?
Mr. Y: It's a political show, Helen. They care about insight, not looks. And what the hell is Poltergeist?
Me: I know that, I like political shows, I just don't see why they need to bang the drum and bring out the hideous folk to try to make a critical impression. I don't need to be visually assaulted to get a decent opinion. And honey-we really need to start watching more movies.
At least I can say that for all their "critical impact", the Ugly People used a number of grammatically incorrect words. And I still say Gorton looks like the evil preacher. You decide.
Slade Gorton
Evil Preacher
***************
In the car to the gym, Mr. Y leans forward to snap his seat belt tight. He leans back. Then he leans forward again to test it.
Me: What are you doing?
Mr. Y: I just wanted to check the restraining mechanism.
Me: Most people shorten that and call it a seat belt. But you can call it what you want.
***************
Me: (snuggling against him in bed) I have been so tired today.
Mr. Y: Me too.
Me: I think I have the encephalitic lethargia. (note: like the disease they suffered in Awakenings)
Mr. Y: Right. No more medical documentaries for you.
***************
Me: (sitting on couch next to Mr. Y) I have found a major trait that is an advantage women have over men.
Mr. Y: Oh really? Do tell.
Me: We can stop mid-stream.
Mr. Y: You have been bored today, haven't you?
Me: No really. We can stop mid-stream.
Mr. Y: So can boys.
Me: Yeah, but it doesn't hurt us. We just stop. You guys herniate something and are in pain.
Mr. Y: (sarcastic) Ah. Yes, women truly are a miracle. What a trait.
***************
Me: (bouncing into the bathroom while a naked Mr. Y is shaving) Do you still enjoy having the sex with me? (note: things are always funnier if you add a "the" in front of it).
Mr. Y: (pausing mid-shave to look at me.) Yes.
Me: Ok. Just checking. Enquiring minds wanted to know.
I bounce out of the bathroom.
***************
Me: I downloaded a Roxy Music song today.
Mr. Y: They were good. Which song?
Me: More Than This. I just like the song. I also have Tainted Love and Take On Me. I don't know what's happening, I keep downloading your kind of music.
Mr. Y: What kind of music is that?
Me: (Shrugging) You know...old.
Note: This is not a dig at his age, but rather at the MTV generation. He considers "his generation" to be 80's related, whereas mine is more 90's related. So he gets the good music that makes our heads bop around and are used in Saturday Night Live sketches that get made into movies, while I am stuck with things like Vanilla Ice and Right Said Fred, both of which are not things that I am proud of.
It's kinda' hard to remember much about the 80's for me, seeing as I was barely menstruating at the exit of them.
80's music is already beginning to be considered Golden Oldies, albeit in the tasteful term "Classics". It's happening. I saw on VH1 recently during a channel surf that the Cranberries song Linger is considered a golden classic. Linger. For God's sake, I listened to that song in university. Between that and being too old for glandular fever, I really am reaching the over-the-hill point faster than I had ever thought.
***************
In bed he lets me stand on his feet. This is a big thing, where I flex my foot against his, and he keeps his foot straight so that I am standing up. You can't do that with every guy, just the special ones.
Mr. Y: (turning over in his sleep, making himself mold against me and whispering) You're very special to me.
And for once I keep my flippant replies to myself. I just smile and squeeze the arm he has snaked under my breast, and kiss his wrist. We go to sleep like that, and at various points in the night I wake up and find we're still entangled-me lying across his back, our backs pressed up against each other, even the basics of out feet tangled.
Sometimes the best comeback in the world is to just try to remember the moment and keep it with you.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
09:54 AM
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Post contains 994 words, total size 6 kb.
1
Men can hold it mid-stream too. It doesn't hurt. It takes skill and practice, but it can be done.
Or so a friend told me...
Posted by: Simon at July 30, 2004 09:02 AM (OyeEA)
2
LOL!!
You sure made my morning with this one...hehehe.
Posted by: croxie at July 30, 2004 10:07 AM (DOv3m)
3
That was really touching, except where you called 80's music of the golden variety, then it was downright scary cause that's my music. I agree with you that it's funny adding "the", I had just never thought about it before. Finally, as for the pink on pink tie thing, I think you get it. Have a great weekend!
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 30, 2004 10:12 AM (X3Lfs)
4
Woah, it never occurred to me that the pink on pink thing might actually be intentional and not just a heinous fashion crime.
Posted by: Gareth at July 30, 2004 10:41 AM (JVSGz)
5
You can stop midstream? Why would you want to stop midstream? How does one discover that talent?
Now I'm going to have to go try this, you know.
Posted by: Jim at July 30, 2004 10:57 AM (behRF)
6
Wonderful post, what a great start to my day!
And by the way, men can too stop mid-stream. All it takes is one of those 'handy clamps' that you can operate 1-handed. It helps to be drunk. It helps more if your buddy is drunk and you try it on him.
Posted by: Ted at July 30, 2004 11:44 AM (blNMI)
7
slade gordon is not only ugly but a twat, he was booted in not the most polite of ways from his senate position in the Pacific Northwest. Dont think Id be trusting his political opinion anyways, the creepy factor is just an add on- even worse in person- trust me I met the creep! ICK!!!!
but thanks for the rest of the smile and added trait to add to my superiority complex
Posted by: stinkerbell at July 30, 2004 12:41 PM (m18uI)
8
Sorry-I remain convinced that guys cannot stop midstream.
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 12:59 PM (pS7+B)
9
Takes practice but guys can stop midstream. As Jim said though not that you would want to or anything
TGIF
Posted by: drew at July 30, 2004 01:16 PM (CBlhQ)
10
What great post!
I trust that the kids weren't there while he was making the omelette. Or at least they were in the other room... ;-)
Posted by: Easy at July 30, 2004 01:26 PM (8J9Tj)
11
I think it goes without saying that OF COURSE the kids weren't around when it happened. They were already gone and I would never do anything to cause a little therapy time in their future. Hanky-panky is strictly behind closed doors when they're staying with us
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 01:48 PM (pS7+B)
12
Okay, so can I just say how cute you two are
You sound happy Helen, stay that way.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 30, 2004 01:56 PM (tqQaS)
13
I'm going to flip to the '80s radio station on the way home from work today. It's a Friday ritual. As Bill and Ted would say, "Excellent". It really was/is fun music.
And to show that I'm totally a product of the '80s, I don't get Rap. Seriously. Some of the least talented people in the free world do Rap. How is that entertaining?
Posted by: Solomon at July 30, 2004 02:02 PM (k1sTy)
14
I just started reading your columns about a month ago, and everyday they get better! You seem to be getting happier and that's a good thing! Good luck with all of that!
Posted by: Jessica at July 30, 2004 02:14 PM (4pFkr)
15
Helen-
You are the greatest writer in the world.
You make me smile.
And I also am intrigued by a man's inability to stop mid-stream.
Posted by: Rebecca at July 30, 2004 02:29 PM (ZHfdF)
16
I'm an 80's child. I love anything and everything about the 80 except leg warmers and members only jackets.
And...I'm pretty sure that Slade guy has the longest head on the planet.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 30, 2004 02:30 PM (xpNFK)
17
Once again Simon demonstrates his Alpha maleness! I can stop midstream too... with the help of a surgical clamp. Not that I would, mind you.
I'm sure in 30 years Simon (who'll probabaly still be blogging) will be touting his ability to pee without stopping. "My prostate is the size of a grapefruit yet Behold! No stoppages."
Posted by: Paul at July 30, 2004 03:03 PM (xdj7o)
18
teehee! this was the perfect post to come home to. thanks for making me giggle. you two are so cute!
Posted by: kat at July 30, 2004 03:34 PM (FhSIP)
19
Hee, hee. You know your relationship is still good if you can make each other laugh. That was toe-curlingly funny!
Posted by: irene at July 30, 2004 04:02 PM (9qJGI)
20
yup, you are right, gorton DOES look like the evil preacher, or more like his younger brother.
Posted by: lucidly awake at July 30, 2004 04:22 PM (2G0QK)
21
Thank you, Brad, for validating. Glad I am not the only one who sees it!
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 04:32 PM (pS7+B)
22
An aside to Jim -- men generally appreciate the woman's ability to stop mid-stream; it's just demonstrated at a different time. Think: Kegel. Mkay.
I also adore -- ADORE -- the fact that you add the "the" to things. When I'm mocking my (now dearly departed, bless her) grandma, I say: "Are you kids watching the MTV? Smoking the dope?" Eh. It's not so funny when you type it, but I totally understand what you mean.
Finally: I downloaded (from iTunes) every. Single. Adam Ant song available. I loved him in the 80's, all drippy with sex -- and I love him now, a little more plump but still a rounder, I'm sure. (That is my attempt to be cross-pond funny. It sank like a stone, I know.) Anyway. . .I blame you for the Tourette's iTunes Massacre yesterday. I swear I was thinking you'd approve. LOL!
Love,
Em
Posted by: Emma at July 30, 2004 09:58 PM (NOZuy)
23
I agree with the comment about adding "the" in front of things to make it more funny. I have no idea why that is true, but it is.
You guys seem like quite a pair!
Posted by: Trace at July 30, 2004 10:56 PM (VNxDh)
24
From when Dan was doing tech support at AOL back in the dark ages: "AOL Tech Support, this is Dan, how may I help you?"
"Am I on THE email?" (Needless to say, this is still how we refer to email.)
Yes, cadavers, both of them.
We play footsie while watching TV. Yes, you may gag.
And, *LINGER" is a golden oldie? What does that make me, a cadaver? Sheesh!
Great post, Helen, thanks!
Posted by: Amber at July 30, 2004 11:14 PM (zQE5D)
25
I'll hang on to and reminise about all sorts of things, but music just isn't one of them. I get so tired of the same thing over and over again I could scream. Besides, whats the first thing about old people that makes them old? Old peoples music. Yeah, I grew up with Led Zep, TheWho, etc. doesn't mean thats what I want to hear 35 years later.
Note to self: stay off Helen's couch, and DO NOT eat breakfast there
=)
Posted by: Dane at July 31, 2004 03:34 AM (ncyv4)
26
Absolutely brilliant. Every single word.
Posted by: Jennifer at July 31, 2004 03:26 PM (vSro2)
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http://homepage.ntlworld.com/first1/Blog/energy1.jpg
that might be kinda like what you were talking about in your earlier posts...
Posted by: pylorns at July 31, 2004 04:43 PM (0XkVH)
28
In no particular order:
Stopping midstream: what's the big deal? (Apart from the general benefits of Kegel excercises to one's sex life, that is.) I can do it, it takes neither skill nor practice and doesn't hurt, but why would I want to? After all, it's not like I'm peeing for fun and profit, but because my bladder is full and that feeling is irritating as hell...
80's music rocks. 'nuff said.
Slade Gordon does look like the younger brother of the Evil Preacher.
Posted by: Gudy at August 03, 2004 02:05 PM (9yHSn)
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July 29, 2004
Normal for Nermal
All of a sudden, it's summer. Overnight. I swear I woke up a few mornings ago, bouncing out of the tall and comforting bed, leaving the sleeping fuzzy nude figure of a lovely man curled up in the middle of it and opened the window.
I was blinded by the sunlight.
Fantastic.
So it's with a slightly more chipper heart that I sit with the windows and doors to the house open. I wear boxer shorts in the garden and think of lovely cold pasta dishes to feed us on. And above all, I worship the sunlight and adjust my hems to suit it.
I had to go to London yesterday for meetings, so I did what any self-respecting businesswoman would do on a day when the temperature would reach the 80's in a London transport system with no air conditioning. I reached into the inner confines of myself and explored my levels of comfort and professionalism. Then I went to my closet to determine the best way to satisfy my desire to be taken seriously at work and my strive to enjoy my life.
And I wore the shortest fucking kilt that I have in my closet.
And strappy shoes.
With a very tasteful sleeveless top.
And man, I felt glamorous and young. My skirt, a lovely pleated number that covered to the middle of my thigh, looked very nice, not quite too short, and it made me feel so...young. Attractive. Nicely turned out. And...it has to be said...I think I have a great pair of long legs.
So with an appreciative comment from Mr. Y, I was off to the Big Smoke. He dropped me off at the train station and I read my latest Augusten Burrows book silently and happily the entire ride. Once there, I did what I prefer to do when the weather is decent and I walked the 20 minute walk from Waterloo to my office.
Walking on my way to the office from the train, I started wondering about a normal life. Mr. Y and I had had a conversation about that a few weeks ago, when he felt I wasn't very settled. The truth is, I wondered about when we would have a normal life.
So what is a normal life? Well...I don't really know, only it can't be as pipeline crazy as my life has been so far. This simply can't be what a real, normal life is. If normal life is like that, why is it so damn exhausting?
Normal life (to me), is the stuff that blogs and movies are made of. Dropping off kids to ballet and football practice. Racing around the kitchen trying to get the bologna sandwich crusts cut off in time to whack them in a plastic ziploc bag decorated with cartoon animals and into a hardtop Lizzie McGuire lunchbox. Sitting on the bed wearing my glasses and reading a good book while Mr. Y reads about his airplanes. Changing the door decoration on the front door to reflect the change of the seasons and holidays-a gruesome and overly cute Jack-O-Lantern puffy sculpture replaced by a repugnantly sweet looking Santa Clause. Going on holiday and packing twice as much stuff as you need. Getting cards that include the both of us and consider us a unit.
Don't get me wrong-I'm not at all complainging about our champagne Fridays, the spur-of-the-moment weekends to Paris or Venice. Heading to the bed on a Sunday afternoon for a three hour romp, or a picnic in the sun that includes a little oral pleausre with the camembert. I love all of those things, too. I don't want to give them up.
My whole life has been a wild roller coaster, tipping extremely at times and leaving me nervous as I sit alone in my roller coaster car, a yellow hard plastic number that is melted with handprints and a few crusty french frieds, my seat belt frayed along the edges, leaving me to think it's only a matter of time until I get cast out to my death at the next crazy curve. I grew up an Air Force child, which meant moving every two to four years. More so, I grew up in a turbulent household, so that meant moving at the drop of an unkind word. I've been married twice and have been mental for twice as long. I've been all over the world and never figured out where home is. I've left little parts of me like crumbs all over the place, and I am no longer able to follow where I left them.
These days, work has slowed down due to the summer months. I go into the office once a week. I answer mails, I partake in a few conference calls. Since I work from home those days, I do all of this in my boxer shorts and enjoy the background noise of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7" and "Charmed" (I admit it. I watch it. I think Prue is a skanky ho and Piper has a fucked-up eyebrow, but I admit I watch the show). I come flying down the stairs and launch myself at Mr. Y when he comes home. I clean the house. I think about Alice.
At the same time, sometimes it all feels so temporary. We are renting this house and have filled it with inexpensive furniture we have little allegiance to-our exes got our couches, dressers, and TV stands, so we needed a quick IKEA fix. His divorce is final next month and mine just was. We want to buy a house, but we have the issue of settlements and where we want to live. My family isn't speaking to me, and his is only just doing so. We're still learning how to fit our feet into the boots of step-parenting, being away from the kids, learning how the other person takes up some of our breathing space, and how to handle each other's anger. Maybe soon he won't need to talk me down from the ledge when he loses his temper, and maybe soon he'll feel secure in how I feel about him to not stress sometimes.
Maybe, just maybe, this is a normal life. Maybe life really is so up and down, perhaps what you don't know about the normal lives you read about in blogs and see on tv is that after the normal hubby and wife go to bed, they get out their PVC gear and have a good spanking session. Maybe the husband goes to work and is a stunning asshole. Maybe the mother-in-law makes cutting comments to the wife at Thanksgiving dinners, comments that send the wife running for the cooking sherry in the pantry to calm her nerves. Maybe all that's normal life, too.
Kim used to tell me that I have a knack for crisis and chaos in life, that everything around me is always going 100 mph. I used to believe him, as I would look at the train wrecks that I would create around me and inevitably think: Why does my life always have to have a liberal sprinkling of crazy on it? Perhaps the truth is, I just needed the right person next to me to let me know that the crisis and chaos in my life is normal and manageable, if only I have a little help.
I think about this as I take the tube to Habitat, where I go to pick up some lighting fixtures Mr. Y wants (I love that he pays so close attention to our lights). As I swing out of the tube car, thinking about normal life, a man standing in the tube by the door checks out my little skirt. He sticks his head out of the car to check me out from behind, and is startled to bits when he gets smacked in the back of the head by the closing door.
I laugh my ass off as he rubs the back of his head, the tube car launching into the tunnel.
I hurry home and tell Mr. Y about it, and then sitting down next to him on the couch I take his shorts off and provide him with an extra dose of oral pleasure.
Maybe this is a normal life, for an abnormal girl.
If that's the case, then I will take it, with a few tweaks and additions over time. And I'll keep the champagne Fridays, thanks.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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Post contains 1420 words, total size 7 kb.
1
Honey? "Normal" is a setting on my dryer. You're doing FINE.
Hell, *I* need a champagne Friday, damnit.
)
Posted by: Emma at July 29, 2004 09:27 AM (NOZuy)
2
Emma's right: it's the "normal" ones you've gotta worry about.
Remind me to
never sit on your couch.
Posted by: Simon at July 29, 2004 09:34 AM (OyeEA)
3
One of things I like about my dad is that there was always an open bottle of champagne in the house. Why wait for Friday? It makes Tuesday special, too.
As for normal lives, I probably lead a pretty normal life -- married to high school sweet heart; live in house in suburbs of NYC w/ 2 kids; have great relationship with parents; and etc. And you know what? I'm exhausted ALL the time, too. I don't think normal means rested. Not even close.
p.s. I'm sitting with Simon.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 29, 2004 11:12 AM (X3Lfs)
4
Emma-my hair dryer just has "high" and "low", which I always thought was a good way to indicate my mood...
Simon and RP-what's the problem? It's not like I left a mess there or anything
(remember-what's the difference between like and love? Well....um...I LOVE Mr. Y...)
Posted by: Helen at July 29, 2004 11:17 AM (pS7+B)
5
"Normal" is what most people are trying to or want to get away from.
I think that "normal" is one of those things we have in our luggage from home. That's pretty much the standards that our parents serve us (whatever they think is normal) and then life make a choice for us what to keep and what to ditch.
"Normal" can be terribly boring, but it can also have a soothing effect since we know what to expect and how to handle it.
Rollercoasters can be "normal" too, if that's how life always been.
And I have to agree with Helen about the hairdryer....mine has "high" and "low" as well. "High" is what I use the most since it match my lack of patience
Posted by: croxie at July 29, 2004 11:33 AM (s153F)
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'Normal' is a state of mind, just like 'beautiful'. You've got the second one down pat, the first will come around.
Posted by: Jim at July 29, 2004 12:46 PM (IOwam)
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Helen, that was very funny!!! I guess I'll sit wherever I can find a seat, then. I'll even bring the champagne!
Posted by: RP at July 29, 2004 12:48 PM (LlPKh)
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"Normal" is a setting on my dryer.
Emma, that's fantastic. I wish I'd said that! It sums it up so beautifully.
Posted by: Easy at July 29, 2004 01:19 PM (8J9Tj)
9
First off, I don't understand this whole "oral pleasuring" thing, I think you should talk about it more *snicker*
Its funny, I think about half the world is out hunting for a more normal life, and the other half is trying to find one less so. All of them wanting the same basic things, but I guess approaching from different angles maybe.
As time goes by, it occurs to me that the longing for something different maybe be one of the best signs of "normal" out there
Posted by: Dane at July 29, 2004 01:25 PM (ncyv4)
10
CLOTHES DRYER not blow dryer! LOL!
Most people equate normal with boring, but I've never found it to be. Normal is what you expect. And no matter how crazy things are, if you expect them, they are normal.
I laughed hard at the guy who got smacked in the back of the head, that was hilarious.
"Well, I got this lump on the back of my head while ogling this cute chick in a little skirt with strappy shoes". To his wife. Who gives him a lump on the front of his head!
Posted by: Donna at July 29, 2004 01:57 PM (qInxG)
11
Just about anything can become "normal" for an individual. I've heard of people daily driving 4 hours round trip to a job for years. It becomes normal for them but is still abnormal to the average person. It sounds as though you're targeting what's "normal" for an average person. To me an average, normal life could be depicted by a level line with periodic upward or downward spikes. The birth of a baby-an upward spike; the loss of a friend-a downward spike. But in general, a normal life is level with not so much drama.
And I'd agree with what you said about people having their abnormal secrets...that everyone probably has
something they do that's abnormal, odd, or downright weird...everyone except me of course
Posted by: Solomon at July 29, 2004 01:58 PM (k1sTy)
12
Clothes dryer.
*smacking forehead and feeling stupid*
CLOTHES DRYER.
I've been away from the U.S. a little too long, perhaps.
Posted by: Helen at July 29, 2004 02:06 PM (pS7+B)
13
Helen,
I have an idea....There is a new reality show on t.v. here. Called Trading Spouses. We could that. It's only for a week. That way you can have my normal and I can have your Friday Champagne. That way we can experience something we normally wouldn't. Come on you've seen my kids - they would love you!
No? Ok? I gotta go scrub my floors.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 29, 2004 03:05 PM (xpNFK)
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oops... I meant we could DO that. Sometimes I just shouldn't get up in the morning.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 29, 2004 03:06 PM (xpNFK)
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Well....um...I LOVE Mr. Y...
TMI
But then again it does speak for the safety of the couch...
Posted by: Clancy at July 29, 2004 03:28 PM (EGVPL)
16
I once had a therapist who told me, "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."
Posted by: kalisah at July 29, 2004 03:42 PM (xT4wZ)
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I cant help but to think that this desire for a child is driving you farther and farther away from happiness.
I use to think that way about promotions at work. If only I was a supervisor...if only I had people to responsible for. In the end I got it but relized that I was so fixed on this goal that I had really lost sight of what was important and the chase was actually what was driving me not the catching of it.
I hope I am wrong about the "chase" but I owe to you complete honesty about what I think I see and only want to see you happy in the end.
Posted by: Drew at July 29, 2004 06:02 PM (CBlhQ)
18
Um...my CLOTHES dryer actually have two settings only - high or low
But yeah...I though Emma meant a hair dryer too :pp
Posted by: croxie at July 29, 2004 06:08 PM (s153F)
19
Your two descriptions of a normal life were so at extremes with each other. Do you think you'll ever achieve a synthesis of the two? I'd be hard pressed to envision it.
Posted by: bigdocmcd at July 29, 2004 06:47 PM (AkmDD)
20
Do you guys (the English) always specify CLOTHES dryer, or is there another name for it? Inquiring minds want to know.
Posted by: Solomon at July 29, 2004 06:48 PM (k1sTy)
21
Honestly, I have no idea if they're called dryers or otherwise here. We line dry our clothes (how fabulous to have line-dried clothes, they smell like sunlight, grasshoppers and pears. I love it).
Posted by: Helen at July 29, 2004 06:55 PM (pS7+B)
22
A synthesis of them? Hard to imagine. But yes-the child issue has me worn down badly.
Posted by: Helen at July 29, 2004 06:56 PM (pS7+B)
23
Wonderful, wodnerful... I feel like I just spent a few moment on a dizzying teacup ride.
Thank you for a great post!
Posted by: Elizabeth at July 29, 2004 08:07 PM (tJZAo)
24
"But yes-the child issue has me worn down badly."
Indeed.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Lily at July 29, 2004 08:41 PM (PuHU/)
25
I wouldnt mind one of those after work oral pleasure bouts.. sounds like a good way to end the stressful day
Posted by: pylorns at July 29, 2004 09:57 PM (FTYER)
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Here's to 'champagne Fridays'. The rest of life will fall into place. No sweat.
Posted by: Marie at July 30, 2004 02:09 AM (3Y1np)
27
Maybe soon he won't need to talk me down from the ledge when he loses his temper, and maybe soon he'll feel secure in how I feel about him to not stress sometimes.
My ledge is shorter these days and Dan feels less freaked out when I screw up at communicating, but I don't think that will ever stop happening. Not for us, anyway. It's just who we are and we've learned to live with it.
Now that we've let up on trying to fix it so hard, it got better kinda all by itself. :-)
Posted by: Amber at July 30, 2004 02:15 AM (zQE5D)
28
Oops! I guess my attempt at italicizing the quote from your blog didn't work.
The top paragraph in my last comment were your words, Helen, that I was responding to. *cringe cringe* Damn, I hate screwing up!
Posted by: Amber at July 30, 2004 02:19 AM (zQE5D)
29
Hi,
I think you left the comment in my journal. Thanks for commenting, if that was you! I really enjoy reading about your life in London, since I used to live in the UK.
Posted by: Arianne at July 30, 2004 07:34 AM (H5sJr)
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July 28, 2004
Where's Due North?
There's a few things in my life that have me feeling like my equilibrium has slid out of order, that the see-saw I am on has been abandoned on the other side and I have hit the playground mud with a thud. It's just a few things, from my work no longer being my life, to my family not really speaking to me. I sometimes cling to little oases that I have in my life-writing my blog. The arch of the orchids that hang over my computer monitor. A comforting cuddle from behind by my favorite man as I sleep. Alice. Petunia tiptoeing near by, albeit veering to the left.
Sometimes when I think I have things figured out, that I understand that shape and curve of the waves that I seem to sail my life on, I suddenly find that I didn't really understand the current at all and my little ship gets capsized. My navigation, forever so far off-course that I keep getting bashed about the rocks, has been on solid ground for a bit with the help of a gentle Mr. Y navigator, but sometimes I think he forgets how hopeless I am at steering by myself and he saunters off for a cup of coffee, having to come racing back to help me steer away from the coast (Which way is north? How the fuck am I supposed to know? As the crow flies? What, do I look like a fucking crow?)
Friday Mr. Y and I went to the doctor since I am still just so damn tired that I find getting out of bed hopeless. I refuse to believe it's just depression-this is, after all, one of the few times in my life that I plan on someday recounting in heaven or hell (I never can tell which way I'm going) where I can stab a finger in the air and say: Look. Right here. This is where I am happy. See? Pretty colors, huh?
Big doctor informed me that he actually believes I have a really nice virus, along the lines of glandular fever, if only, as he put it, I weren't too old to have glandular fever.
Well, I'll be damned. Other than a student rail card, this was the first time I'd been told I was too old for something. Looks like the mid-life crisis really is around the corner. I mean, if even a virus passes me by due to my potentially arthritic body, then Jesus it can only be downhill from here.
Anyway, Mr. Y and I then asked about IVF, and what it takes to get on the list with the doctor. Turns out state funded IVF isn't available in our area yet, and won't be for nearly a year. So if we want a sprog, then we have to go private. Doc said he'd forward our name for a doctor and gave us some info, and home we went.
I don't know what triggered it, but we got to talking about this later at home. And the discussion didn't go well-it wound up being a spectacular argument where, while sizzling mushrooms, it turns out Mr. Y needs a bit more thinking time, that he is perhaps not feeling as positive to more children as I maybe had interpreted. I can respect this, I respect that he is not racing into a decision, and I don't fault him. I know that this would be a massive change to our dynamics and that we are rather new to each others' lives. I step back and we agree to go slowly and think about the child issue longer.
I ache-that's right, no melodrama here-I fucking ache to have a child. And the strange, new beautiful thing for me is...I really, really want his child. I want to be a parent with him. He brings out the best and most patient in me, I simply never knew or even suspected I could be so calm and relaxed, and he is such a fantastic and loving father.
Everywhere around me are children and babies. Fucking Lifetime TV channel shows back-to-back shows about having babies all day long, in case you wanted some estrogen to go with that sandwich at lunch, and that's one channel that I have to skip at all costs.
The truth is, I'm not in a hurry to do IVF right now. We should have some time together as just a couple. But I feel a bit of time pressure due to Mr. Y's age, and I don't want to add to his stress about being too old to have kids. I would be happy to do this sometime mid to end of next year, and just spend lots of time travelling, drinking, having romps in the bed, just being together. I have this finite plan in my head, where we try IVF a few times, and if it doesn't work then I guess we are a childless couple. And that thought scares me and makes me feel so small and lonely.
The truth is, I changed my mind. For so many years, I simply didn't want kids. Wasn't interested. No thanks, clearly not for me. It's only over the past few years that I realized I was changing-that I felt a lurch around them, that I really enjoyed the company of children. And spending time with Melissa and Jeff has helped me feel like, although I have issues, I know that my driving desire to protect children is perhaps one of my nicer attributes.
Last night in bed Mr. Y and I talk (not about kids), him holding me and talking to me. So much of what he said makes sense and I agree with-we are still getting to know each other, that although we have been in love for so damn long, it's something new to actually be with each other in a practical sense. The things he says is a salve on my heart and a cup of tea to my soul and I feel so good about what I have with him. I am so in love with Mr. Y that it hits me sometimes like a very gentle push in my ribcage, robbing me of air when I least expect it.
I would be so lost without him.
I wish my cats were here so badly it makes me cry all the time, so I go out and find Petunia and smother him with love.
-H.
Comments are closed on this one. I can't face any "it will work itself out", "you need to decide what you want", "why not adopt", or even "maybe you two should split up and get yourself an Argentianian boy-toy in his twenties that can't wait to procreate". None of those are options. Believe it or not, this whole subject is more difficult to discuss than even my suicide attempt was and deeply affects him and I. If I am not talking sprogs here on my blog for a little while, then it's because I just can't bring it up to the surface of me to discuss. I'm sorry.
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July 27, 2004
Kids, Kids, Kids
Sometimes the "step-parent" thing is hard. I look around at people and think:
There's a step-parent. Did they have an easy time? Or read about celebrities and think:
Wonder how their step-parenting is going. Their kids are the same age as Mr. Y's. Wonder how they handle it.
The kids are gone, Mr. Y is depressed, and I don't have any way of cheering him up. I don't even think I know how to anymore, I seem incapable of making anyone happy around me. But you know? I do miss having them around. I offered to Mr. Y that perhaps we could have custody of them (although their mother would never ever give them up) and the thing is...I meant it. It's stressful as hell, I have no right to punish them for bad behavior and it drives me nuts when they forget their "please" and "thank yous" but my God can they be good fun.
And the thing about these kids is, you learn so much about the world when you see it through their eyes. I've never known that before. And it's gorgeous watching how good Mr. Y is with them.
Melissa was back to feeling a bit insecure, I think. I felt that something had shifted a bit while they were away, and although she was very sweet and amiable, I felt maybe she was a little on edge about something. I know this is all hardest on her-being 12 she is aware of the sensitivities and the politics, and she really is a sweet and sensitive girl that hates when people have their feelings hurt.
On Saturday at the airshow she would stretch across the whole blanket, only to get up immediately and make room for Mr. Y and then curl up against him. Once he moved, she would immediately stretch back out across the blanket. This became the theme of the day-seats got saved for him, his hand was always taken, and although I no longer feel so weird about it, it can get a bit wearing to always be confronted with: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy sit here!" and knowing that should I take up a bit of space it might upset her, which of course is absolutely what I don't want to do.
When Mr. Y would sit down with us, she curled into him, laying facedown on the blanket. When a plane flew over that we liked and would remark on, she'd pop her head up.
"Where's that one from?" she'd ask.
"That one's American." Mr. Y would reply.
"I don't like it." she'd reply, putting her head back down, rejecting it (apparently or possibly) due to its nationality.
I wondered if she was feeling particularly sensitive about something. I wanted to ask her about it, but thought maybe a bit of space is what she wanted-I know if I was a kid I wouldn't have liked being on the spot like that, questioned by a grown up, and had a grown-up questioned me I would've lied my teeth off and then felt even weirder around them. Mr. Y and I talked, and he told me something that made sense-in Sweden the English speakers are in two rival camps, the American English and the British English. Since she has a British father the British English is her allegiance (as it should be), hence her perhaps perceived dislike of American-ish things.
Melissa and Jeff had obviously been up way too late the night before and were a bit touchy, at each other's throats, a bit snarly, and in general really needed to be kept in their opposite corners for the day. Sometimes I didn't like how she treated him, but then again, I don't always like how he responds either-more than once I was the recipient of his anger when he was furious with Melissa.
In case I have said something clumsily, let me be clear-I am not having a go at Melissa in any way. I honestly think she can be a sweetheart, and quite a few times we got on incredibly well (including a discussion of how one of our favorite foods, asparagus, makes your pee smell. I love kid conversations). Melissa is very much a Daddy's Girl (which I simply have to get used to, albeit get used to it with absolutely no experience or history of it from my own past). Melissa and Jeff bait each other with supreme skill (I witnessed Jeff having a go a few times-I like him, but man he can be a handful) and this is what siblings do, after all. I know-I used to have one. My God, sometimes we could be vicious to each other-I remember throwing an entire shelf of tupperware cups at my sister one day. But that's nothing-one day she threw steak knives at me. That's right. Steak knives. So this is, I know, how kids act, have acted for centuries, and will always act.
At one point, Jeff turned to me while he was draped across my back, my own personal Batman cape.
"Helen, what are you?" he asked.
Looking up at the sky, watching an airplane loop around, I replied absently "I'm supercool, Jeff."
"No, I mean, what are you to me and Daddy?"
SNAP! went my attention to Jeff. So it was this discussion. I was wondering if it would come up.
"Well," I said carefully but acting nonchalant. "I am your daddy's girlfriend."
He thought for a minute. "So what does that mean for me?" he asked finally.
"You have a Mummy and a Daddy that love you very much." I replied, still acting calm but inside a riot of emotions. "I'm your good friend. I care about you and want you to be happy."
He thought for a minute.
"That's good." he finally replied. "I think I need a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or someone that will watch Atlantis with me."
"I can watch Atlantis with you, if you want."
"Ok. That's ok then." he replied.
End of discussion.
Sunday afternoon Melissa and Jeff chill out on the sofa watching Starsky and Hutch and I busy myself tidying up, doing laundry, being the standard domestic goddess. I get out the blender and whip up a comatose-inducing sugar combo of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream, milk and Maltesers (that's Whoppers to my people). I serve Melissa and Jeff and am met with extreme appreciation.
Mr. Y and I take them to the airport, and wait in the queue (line) to check Jeff in (Melissa had an e-ticket). Jeff and I are busy fucking around, joking and being a general nuisance while Melissa is draped on an increasingly angry Mr. Y (he hates queues. With a passion.) I hug Jeff.
"You need to give your Mummy and your budgie lots of cuddles when you get home." I tell him. "I bet they've both missed you terribly."
Hey-I may not like the woman much (and I know the feeling is mutual), but I know she loves her kids and probably missed them badly.
Jeff turns to me. "I like Daddy's American girlfriend." he says with authority.
"Well thank you. I like his half-English, half-Swedish son." I reply.
"I think American girlfriends are cool. But so are Swedish girlfriends and English girlfriends." he says hastily.
"I see. And Australian girlfriends?" I ask.
"Yeah. They're ok." He says, shrugging.
When we take them to the gate, it's hugs all around and I even get a hug from Melissa. Jeff squeezes me tightly and plants a kiss on my cheek.
"I love you. Do you love me?" he asks.
I squeeze him until he squeaks.
"I love you." I reply.
-H.
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1
*hugs* no need to tell you what I think about this
Posted by: melanie at July 27, 2004 09:17 AM (jDC3U)
2
Beautifully written. I especially like the:
"I see. And Australian girlfriends?" I ask.
"Yeah. They're ok." He says, shrugging.
He'll learn. Aussie girls are the best.
Posted by: Simon at July 27, 2004 10:03 AM (UKqGy)
3
Yawp...a good friend is the best thing you can be
And Melissa will come around...she's in a difficult age though. A 12 year old can be the most bored creature on the planet, they can also act very grown up, or very childish. It's a big emotional mix that a divorce doesn't really improve much.
It might take more time before she is secure enough to know how to act with both you and Mr Y in the same room, but I'm sure she will come around too.
Sounds like things are going okiday though
Posted by: croxie at July 27, 2004 10:42 AM (3uODC)
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Dang, I'm getting all sniffly here. Good thing it's 0-dark-thirty and nobody can see me so I can maintain my airs of uber masculinity.
That was very sweet, Helen. It is so great that you and Jeff are getting on so famously. A side benefit you might not have thought about - you clicking with him so well is letting Melissa get the extra attention from Mr.Y that she really needs right now. Very cool.
Posted by: Jim at July 27, 2004 11:01 AM (behRF)
5
It's definitely a difficult situation -- but with your beautiful, caring heart I'm sure things will be just fine.
From my perspective: a mother who is watching a son blossom under the tender-loving-care of his "step-father," there is nothing quite like watching two people whom you love very - VERY - much cut up and love each other.
I'd wish you luck for the future with them; but like I said you have a beautiful, loving heart. You won't need the luck. ;o)
Posted by: Emma at July 27, 2004 11:08 AM (NOZuy)
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I'm with Jim, the end made me tear up, too. For someone with no experience, sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. That ice cream thing you made ought to give you instant cred with any kid. Boy am I impressed!
Posted by: RP at July 27, 2004 11:08 AM (X3Lfs)
7
You said, "The kids are gone, Mr. Y is depressed, and I don't have any way of cheering him up. I don't even think I know how to anymore, I seem incapable of making anyone happy around me."
WTF is this about? Sounds to me like you made everyone around you happy all weekend, at least as happy as they could be. You are not responsible for everyone's happiness, or unhappiness, you do not have that power. Is everyone in your life responsible for YOUR happiness? Or lack thereof? Well, then why are you responsible for theirs?
Mr Y's kids will be fine. Mr Y will be fine. And if they are not, it is not your fault, or responsibility. (This doesn't excuse nastiness, abuse, or neglect, none of which you are capable of, and even if you were, I'm sure Mr Y wouldn't allow it.) You are doing all that you can do, being friendly, comforting, available, and nurturing. You can't do anymore than that. And Mr Y is supposed to feel unhappy when his kids leave, if he didn't THEN there would be something wrong. And you? Not responsible for his unhappiness, or happiness, you cannot control the world, not even his.
Posted by: Donna at July 27, 2004 12:06 PM (Ae9fR)
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Next Sunday I´m leaving for the south, taking my darling V. and her two nieces (3 and 5yo). I can relate so much to what you wrote... Miguel.
Posted by: msd at July 27, 2004 12:55 PM (icJQo)
9
We've got 1 daddy's girl & 1 mommy's girl, and it breaks my heart when our mommy's girl periodically doesn't want anything to do with me. You don't have to be a step parent to feel that pain
We still play, cuddle, and have fun...just not as much as I'd like.
In the Solomon house, if a request doesn't include "please", the automatic answer is "No." ALWAYS! And when they change their request to include "please", they get the real answer (which is still "No" sometimes
.
Posted by: Solomon at July 27, 2004 01:29 PM (k1sTy)
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Sounds like things are right on track. Sounds like Melissa is still angry--which is normal for this situation--but it also sound like she's trying. At no point did it sound like you were "having a go" at Melissa. It sounded like she's a typical 12 year old girl.
They should behave around you, just as they would any other person. You and Mr Y need to establish what he's comfortable having you say to them. Insisting on a "please" and "thank you" should be things you can address IMHO, but again, it's up to you and Mr Y. Be prepared for the
"You're NOT my mother" outburst no matter what you do.
As for Mr Y's hapiness, just keep in mind that he's not unhappy with you. He's just unhappy at the moment. It will pass.
Again, it sounds like things are right on track. :-)
Posted by: Easy at July 27, 2004 01:36 PM (x3DnN)
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Um, do you think Mr. Y would have an objection to you being my American girlfriend too? :-)
I love how kids think. Whenever my nephews are out, I love just talking with them. Jimmy was telling us about his friend Koresh and my dad asked if he was Indian. Jimmy looked at him, kinda confused, and said, "No, he's from Chicago."
I sometimes think the world would be a far better place if we'd let kids make the really important decisions.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 27, 2004 02:00 PM (Kpjuf)
12
Fact of the matter is that Melissa may or may not ever come around to liking you or even accepting you. She may blame you for many many years of the breakup of her mommy and daddy and may even go out of her way to make you miserable.
As far as custody of the kids prehaps Joint but I doubt the courts would give full to him. Usually courts will allow the mother to keep custody. In any even I don't know how well Melissa and her brother would do with being taken away from the home they grew up in.
All you can do is focus on your love for Mr.Y and go from there.
Posted by: drew at July 27, 2004 02:25 PM (CBlhQ)
13
H,
Playing the role of step parent is very tough indeed. The girl I've been seeing for months now is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Her son is 10 and as much as she's tried to shelter him from the process it's affecting him. Deeply. I have not even met him yet because she's not sure how he'll react to a stranger being introduced into everything that's going on.
As much as we may want to help people we see that are hurting, and do so immediately, we can't always choose the pace at which things happen. Patience, grasshopper.
Melissa is coming around but it may take a bit longer. You're doing great! In her eyes she will always want to be Daddy's #1 girl! And rightly so.
Posted by: Paul at July 27, 2004 02:42 PM (xdj7o)
14
It's so damned complicated, isn't it? Every once in a while Niblet refers to me as his stepmom, and I just WIG OUT inside - because for me, stepmom means I'm married to his dad, which is a long way off. On the other hand, it's better for him to be thinking in permanent terms, so that he doesn't get the impression I'm going to drift back out of his life. Because damnit, I'm here to stay.
Does Mr Y have no custodial rights at all? That seems unusually harsh. He really needs to be able to interact with M and J more regularly than just a weekend here and there. It can't be good for them to have a dad only once every eight weeks (or whatever).
As for you, darling, it sounds as if you did well. Kids take time. *Anything* good takes loads of time.
Posted by: Kaetchen at July 27, 2004 04:18 PM (1nMRx)
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Wow, you're doing great. I'm always so impressed at your attitude...
Posted by: ember at July 27, 2004 04:24 PM (kLa46)
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Hi Helen..I decided to call my step-daughter,my chosen daughter.It sounds so much nicer and gentler and she loves it.When Im asked by the school(or someone) if shes my step child,I say ..no shes my chosen child.We have learned to love each other a lot.
It takes time to adjust to having a ready made family and I think your doing a great job
just have fun and go with the flow..
Posted by: butterflies at July 27, 2004 05:12 PM (mF/af)
17
Not that you need praise from strangers... but you handled Jeff's question about as perfectly as I can imagine. Sounds like you a great job with all of this.
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 27, 2004 05:17 PM (3hZer)
18
Wow, sounds like you handled that beautifully.
Posted by: Elizabeth at July 27, 2004 06:15 PM (tJZAo)
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Sorry Mr. Y is going through the doldrums; it's to be expected. It's not your fault; please don't go that route. I know, it's hard. I still find myself getting terribly anxious whenever Dan is sad or upset. I want to fix him but he just wants me to act "normal" and quit fussing over him. Sometimes we bicker over my good intentions. Happens...
Jeff will probably continue to warm up to you. He's a boy, after all. Gender counts in this.
Melissa...well, she's 12? Sheesh....one day, when she's around 15, maybe before then, she'll be visiting you guys, and the "I hate you, you're not the boss of me, blah blah blah" attitude will flash out. Stomping down the hall, slamming the door, poor poor Melissa.
But my daughter and all my friend's daughters did that too, even though they all had an intact home. I did the same thing to my mom too, and she was a widow. You'd think I would have had some compassion in her case, right?...but...NOPE! Teenage girls are not known for compassion. ;-)
Try not to take it personal. If you keep a sense of humor about it and try to shrug it off when she starts poking you and Mr. Y, (something she is genetically programmed to do, I believe), maintain your calm and cool demeanor, (at least in front of her; when you and Y are alone, you can have at it about her with relish) then when she snaps out of the whole thing around 17 or so, you'll be looking golden.
This was very sweet, Helen, thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Amber at July 27, 2004 07:30 PM (zQE5D)
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One quibble:
Maltesers are not Whoppers.
They fool you into
thinking they are Whoppers, but after a handful or two you realize: instead of the cool, crunchy, dryness of malted milk, your mouth is now coated with a sickly-sweet
honey film.
Gah! Wither Whoppers? And why are the purple Skittles suddenly
blackcurrant, the most evil of all flavors?
I cry, alone, into my pillow.
Posted by: angel at July 28, 2004 11:05 AM (VDG65)
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("Whither," too.)
(Helen, your "Remember personal info?" option never remembers me.
)
Posted by: angel at July 28, 2004 11:06 AM (VDG65)
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It doesn't remember me either...never has.
Posted by: Solomon at July 28, 2004 12:47 PM (k1sTy)
23
Angel, Maltesers make me cry, too. I hate the things, yet I liked Whoppers.
No idea why the "remember me" function not working...
Posted by: Helen at July 28, 2004 01:02 PM (TmM0X)
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July 26, 2004
Da' Plane! Da' Plane!
Saturday morning we get vaguely back on track as Melissa and Jeff show up, along with Mr. Y's stepfather, Mr. Y's brothers Alex and Sam and Alex's eldest daughter Ida. We trooped off to the Farnborough Air Show, with Mr. Y, Alex and Sam skitsy with excitement. Jeff came up to me and spent his time with me from then on, which made me happy, but I know it's not really due to any kind of lingering love of me, rather that I am child-friendly. I don't mind. He's hilarious and I'll take whatever crumbs I can get.
At the air show we set up a blanket near the runway, making sure the take-offs of the F-16, F-18, Saab Gripen, and Harrier thump into our chestbones and drag our throats out. It's thrilling, I love the sound of it. There's nothing like the roar of a massive aircraft to make you feel you have swallowed your throat inside out. I sat on the blanket, in the sun, usually with Jeff hanging on me in some way, Ida taking up space, and Melissa draped across the blanket.
The air show finished up and we went for a walk around the exhibits, Melissa taking up Mr. Y's arm and the planes taking up his attention. Walking past the American C-130 and the flight crews, waves of memories returned. As a child, with a military pilot father, we used to go to masses of air shows. Masses.
I remember one in particular, my mother pushing my sister in an orange umbrella stroller, my father striding tall with his camera at his side. Something happened at one airplane, tensions went insane, the sun got too hot to hold and my father strode off angrily. I turned and looked at the wing of the little military plane and saw a woman, laughing in the sun, long black hair. It dazzles with silver light in my memory, too much to remember anything in my mind besides the reflecting light, but I learned afterwards that the woman was one of my father's ex-mistresses.
I wonder how my mother felt that day.
The flight crews talked and laughed with attendees of the show, and I heard their voices, deep and even-vowelled. Others in my group made fun of the Americans (not Mr. Y) and asked me if I could do an "American to English" translation for them. I ignored them, but you know what? I was so homesick at that moment that I could've cried (and am now, actually). For just a moment I could've let my guard down and just spoke, not caring that I have the broad American accent. I could've talked to them about their airbases, use terms from the military that sit on dusty overlooked shelves in my brain. This was a part of my past here, people that I can relate to, and all I wanted to do was just stop missing the U.S. at that moment.
I can never go home again.
At least I can holiday there (and we are planning to in October).
I walked on, holding Jeff's hand, following the English posse that I was somewhat a part of.
Alex and Mr. Y have a deep love affair with a certain plane called a Vickers VC10. This plane is only owned by the RAF (note to self: I made a joke with someone here that my father was also in the RAF. They said: Really? And I replied innocently: Yes, the REAL Air Force! This was not popular and not to be repeated.) So much so that when a VC10 did a fly-by, the two of them were giddy with excitement.
But that was nothing.
Turns out a VC10 was there.
So of course, after the air show we headed for it. It was ringed off by a row of fences, and another man was standing there in awe. Now this man is what is called here in England an "anorak". An anorak of course is one of those waterproof rain jackets, the kind that plane spotters, train spotters and (ohmigod how sad and considered the lowest of the low in spotter hierarchy) bus spotters wear. Spotters, unlike the movie involving screwball Scottish heroin junkies, are a tame crowd. I read a book that discussed it-a spotter does anything from just noting what type of transport they are watching to needing to record serial numbers.
Dude. Serial numbers.
And I think I'm a bit nutty?
In general, a spotter is armed with a green fluroescent safety vest (a la construction workers-in Europe they're green. In the U.S. they're orange), a notebook, binoculars, a notebook (for recording info) and if they're of the train variety, a handy copy of the National Rail Enthusiast's guiebook, and the standard issue jacket-think Member's Only.
This man fit the bill, and I was a little worried he was going to orgasm all over the fence.
We walked on when, lo and behold, a pilot came out of the VC10 and was escorting the insanely happy spotter up the ramp into the VC10! Well, Mr. Y and Alex started racing to the ramp, children in tow. The pilot came out and explained he couldn't really do tours, but Mr. Y pulled a Puss-In-Boots cats expression, and the pilot came back for us later. Alex and Mr. Y were in a state of near catatonia with happiness, and when the pilot came out for us, they fired off lots of questions. Mr. Y's stepfather and I hung in the back, while Mr. Y and Alex learnt all they could about their fave plane.
I don't blame them a bit-if I ever got David Sedaris here, after all, I'd get him drunk and demand he tell me funny stories. I love history. I love reading about cultures and tribal rituals. We all have our own interests and different strokes for different folks, after all. I know they like planes, just as Mr. Y knows I like writing. We all have different things we get excited about. The good news is, he doesn't have an anorak or a notebook for recording things nor does he plan to (but his brother Sam is reaching that stage. I really think it's the point of no return.)
And I loved loved loved seeing Mr. Y happy like that.
I talked to a Yorkshire ground crew man for a while, seeing as there wasn't enough room for me in the cockpit with all of Mr. Y's family and extended family in there. I learnt a lot about the redundancy of the wings, the type of work a VC10 does, and how much the man enjoyed his work. He pointed to my troop, dizzy in the front flight deck.
"They're happy, it seems." he said.
"Yeah." I said, smiling. "Wet dreams all around."
He laughed so hard he choked. "I can't believe you said that!"
The good news is, I got lots of sun. Sun in England. I sat in it, sunblocked up to my eyeballs (it didn't work, though) and just enjoyed the thrill of the sound of the jets, the smooth movements of the 747, the utter delight of Mr. Y and Alex over the VC10, and the soft blanket beneath my legs.
Don't believe me about the sun?
View image
View image
-H.
PS-I'm a cheerleader for Rocket Ted's Blogger Bowl! Go Ted!
PPS-Jim's turned 1. And you know how I love Jim
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1
Seriously this serial number thing needs to be nipped in the bud.
Posted by: Simon at July 26, 2004 09:01 AM (UKqGy)
2
What the heck is that on your wall? looks like a bunch of pagers made into xmas ornaments. =)
VC-10 looks a bit large for camping, but given the size of Mr Y's extended family, might be nessecary.
Its surprising with all those men around you couldn't find one volunteer to put suntan lotion on your back... must have been the distraction of all those planes =)
Posted by: Dane at July 26, 2004 09:05 AM (ncyv4)
3
On the wall is a lighting display, like these but in blocks: http://www.ikea.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10101&storeId=7&productId=42402&langId=-20&parentCats=13154*13160"
And Jeff was nice and put some sunblock on me
Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2004 09:13 AM (pS7+B)
4
I think he missed a bit then
and neil would be all excited about all that too. he doesn't have an anorak, but he does have the notebook
Posted by: melanie at July 26, 2004 10:20 AM (jDC3U)
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I confess I don't get it about the VC-10. It's a civilian commuter plane, right? Isn't that like getting creamy over a 767? Great plane but ... ??
I can't believe you would support that dastardly vilain against the Dream Team. I'm crushed. Totally crushed.
Don't sell Jeff's choice short. He's
choosing to hang with you and that's very cool. :-)
Posted by: Jim at July 26, 2004 11:13 AM (behRF)
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Burn looks painful. Try some aloe!
By the way, if you happen to be passing through NY in October, drinks and/or dinner are on me.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 26, 2004 11:19 AM (X3Lfs)
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Jim, my precious, the VC10 is not a commuter plane. It's only for the military. There are 19 of them, all built in the UK, all owned by the RAF.
Dude, I soaked up so much info!
And about Ted? Um...well, he asked me and I have always wanted to be a cool cheerleader. But I can still hang out with and refresh the gatorade for the opposing team, right?
Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2004 11:20 AM (pS7+B)
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I'm afraid I'm with Jim on this one. The Vickers VC10 may not be a commuter plane, but it's a RETIRED passenger plane-turned-tanker
http://www.aeroflight.co.uk/types/uk/vickers/vc10/VC10.htm
Not that the Americans aren't famous for this sort of thing (The AWACS is a converted 707, after all, and the KC-10 tanker is a DC-10 in AF blue-gray)
Now watching a Harrier do that VTOL dance, that's pretty dreamy.
And sometimes spotting can come in handy. There's a guy who photographed and cataloged online every single plane to land at Charlotte-Douglas International for about a year, listing them by tail number.
Then one day, one of them crashed, and while running the tail number online, I found his site and a photo of the plane in question two weeks before it crashed.
I don't know how much NBC paid him for that photo, but it probably paid for the digital camera, at least.
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 26, 2004 12:35 PM (1APwW)
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Sorry, you guys are right-some of the VC10's have been used for passengers, and some of them are tankers. None of them carry civilian passengers now, due to potential lawsuits.
I should've been clearer.
Wonder if Mr. Y will give me a lesson later
Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2004 12:49 PM (pS7+B)
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It could make for interesting bedroom talk...
"Oh, tell me about how many litres per minute the VC10 can PUMP into a Nimrod over the North Atlantic"
"I'm ready for docking, so send me your refueling hose"
"It's not the size so much as the pressure that matters"
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 26, 2004 12:55 PM (1APwW)
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You're right.
We should skip the talk and head straight for the spankings.
Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2004 01:02 PM (pS7+B)
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And for maximum amusement during the spankings, say something like "At least American tankers don't look like they just let off an Irish tour group at Gatwick"
Man, it's 1 p.m over there? Can I switch time zones?
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 26, 2004 01:20 PM (1APwW)
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Do we need to have a boring lecture about the dangers of sunburns Miss Helen? It looks like the answer is "Yes". I'm not a big fan of the sun; I love cool, cloudy, misty days in the mid to upper 60s. That might change if I lived someplace where it was like that 50% or more of the time though.
Next time I see a sunburn, your entire blog audience is going to get an intentionally boring (as dry as I can possibly make it) lecture on the hazards of sunburn
The lecture will be far more painful than the sunburn itself.
Posted by: Solomon at July 26, 2004 01:28 PM (k1sTy)
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Me and my skin cancer (you can see the scars on my back) already know it, Solomon. But my heart is so desperate for sun that it's bitch-slapped the hell out of my memory and I can't remember the dangers.
Posted by: Helen at July 26, 2004 01:48 PM (pS7+B)
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Well, okay. As long as you're hanging out with the Dream Team I guess it's all right.
You'd still be wearing the skimpy cheerleader outfit and all, won't you?
Posted by: Jim at July 26, 2004 01:51 PM (IOwam)
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I know the feeling. While I don't like going out in the sun (never have), sometimes the heart wins, and I go out for sports or to hang out with the family.
Sadly (for me) you can't hold a candle to the number of scars I've got. You could play connect the dots on my back and make an elaborate sailing ship
Irish skin and a love for sports don't mix well.
Posted by: Solomon at July 26, 2004 02:42 PM (k1sTy)
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It's funny how planes can evoke such an amazing reaction in boys... of any age! My son and I are just like Y and his son. Although it stops short of that serial number thing.
Have you secured your endorsement deal to be the new Coppertone UK girl? Ouch.
Posted by: Paul at July 26, 2004 03:31 PM (xdj7o)
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Your making all the guys drool.
Put your tongues back in your mouth....jeesh.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 26, 2004 03:42 PM (xpNFK)
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Helen,
Sorry to go OT again, but I don't have your e-mail address at work, and can't find it on the site. What is it?
Hank
Posted by: Jiminy at July 26, 2004 04:39 PM (8JYcU)
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Love airshows, but can't go to them anymore.
Jim, like I said, you were probably concentrating on your draft picks, while I was concentrating on building the winning cheerleading squad. Nya nya.
Posted by: Ted at July 26, 2004 04:55 PM (blNMI)
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OW! I hope Mr. Y is rubbing soothing aloe on that back, Helen.
My heart lurched a bit when you wrote you can never come home to the US again. I would think that would be quite a big pill to swallow. But it sounds like you're having a great time where you are. You sound very happy. :-)
And what's all this talk about spankings? Don't you know they're bad for you? ;-) Tsk!
Posted by: Amber at July 26, 2004 05:42 PM (zQE5D)
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Girl, that looks painful. And that was with sunblock? Holy crumb.
Posted by: ilyka at July 26, 2004 06:47 PM (g5hXq)
Posted by: be at July 26, 2004 09:17 PM (NZhB5)
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While the sunburn still feels hot, put some vinegar in a spray bottle, put it in the fridge till it is cool and then spray it on. Stinks like hell, but it takes the heat out and takes away the pain completely. Trust me on this. Vinegar is the only way to go, I live in the desert and keep some in my fridge at all times.
After the heat is gone, and it's not painful, THEN use aloe vera to heal the skin.
I am a VERY white chick who should have never come further south than well, anywhere there is sun. I even get the brown patches from oil from any kind of citrus fruit if I get it on me and it's not dry when I go out in the sun. My dermatologist tells me they don't see that out west so much, usually only people of english descent, and usually only back east. He took me around and showed a spot I had from Chanel #5 to all the other doctors because they'd never seen it, and probably would have biopsied it, but he did his residency in Boston so he knew what it was. Chanel #5 has orange oil in it, and if I put anything like that on my skin, I get a hideous brown spot, that stays for months and finally has to wear off. I have a small spot right now on my upper lip from some orange juice I drank while weeding the yard. He told me no margarita's by the pool with lime, lemon, orange etc.....
Anyway, I digress. Try the vinegar. It works, you'll see.
Posted by: Donna at July 26, 2004 10:59 PM (U4iYg)
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Construction workers in the US wear green too. I am clad in "lime" at work. Lime and silver reflective.
Also, the sunburn? Looks like it sucks. Alot.
Cold showers and aloe, should fix ya right up.
One more - Home is where you make it. If the US is home in your heart, then it always will be. However, if home is in England, with the man you love, then I wouldn't worry about not ever being able to live here again.
Posted by: Tami at July 27, 2004 01:08 AM (r+S4w)
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Aloe has always been a good friend-I used to keep aloe in the fridge and apply it to sunburns, which of course is like stabbing yourself with frozen pokers it hurts/feels s o good on a sunburn.
Never tried vinegar before...hmm...
Posted by: Helen at July 27, 2004 11:59 AM (pS7+B)
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July 23, 2004
Will You Remember?
Wednesday I took the train and then the tube into work, clipping along in my high heels in hopeful optimism that the sun would come out from behind the rain.
I don't generally mind the commute, I like to watch and look at people, not to mention the amount of reading I get done on the way in. I think I pay more attention when I am headed home, since generally I get a bit stressed up about time, wanting to get there early to hog a LAN connection for email and my blog. But on the way home, I open my eyes and take a look around at what there is around me, the people, the adverts, the sights, the smells.
Wednesday, on the tube, I stood by the door, near the joints of the cars. At the back of each tube car is a glass door that, in theory, leads to the next tube car. No one walks between these but you can open the window, allowing air to whoosh down the car and ease the heat of congestion. Although the sun wasn't out, the day was warm and the tube car was stuffy. Next to me was a man in a purple checked shirt, cufflinks the shape of faucet taps, and from time to time he would reach an arm up and draw it across his beaded forehead, revealing small circles beneath his arms.
I stood by the open window of the car, and once the tube started moving, the air flew in, ruffling my hair and smelling of carbon and dark. The air was refreshing, and I turned and saw each person in the car subtly raise their heads, not even aware that they were seeking the fresh air themselves but triggered by an instinct to have the caress of cool.
I looked up at the side of the tube car, and saw a new advertisement. Generally I don't pay too much attention to the adverts in the tube or tube stations, they tend to be "Call Australia for as little as 2p a minute!" or "Buy a DVD for £49.99!" But this one struck me, and I'm not sure why. It was bad marketing, to say the least-I can only remember the main line and not the product, but it was something to think about.
The tag line in the ad was: Is today a day you're going to remember for the rest of your life?
After I got through counting the letters in the ad (I count letters in signs, a knee-jerk reaction to my craziness) I thought about the ad.
Is today a day you're going to remember for the rest of your life?
Well...was it?
Getting off the tube and clipping along the train platform, the ad still played in my mind. My day that day wasn't extraordinary, it was an average day. The day before hadn't been extraordinary, either, although there were aspects that were a bit different.
What has to happen to have a day that one remembers the rest of their lives? Meeting "the one"? Having a baby? Losing their job? Having a family member die? What constitutes such a day? And if the point of having a day like that is to make sure we make all of our days special, does that mean we will run out of brain-space, that the memory will be used up remembering things like the best-curry-I've-ever-had or the-night-I-spit-coke-out-of-my-nose-from-laughing-at-that-show?
I don't know what it takes, but although the ad failed in that I don't remember the product it was promoting, I do remember the line. And it has me thinking that maybe I don't appreciate enough things around me, or maybe I am not paying enough attention.
Is today a day you're going to remember for the rest of your life?
-H.
PS-you wouldn't believe it-the sun is up. Seriously. And it's warm-as in shorts-wearing weather. It's fabulous, almost orgasmic, to know that the sun is all mine today. Today is working from home (and Mr. Y downstairs working from home) and tomorrow is the Farnborough Air Show with Mr. Y, his kids, and his two brothers.
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1
Nope,
A memorable day is going to have to wait.
Today is gonna suck just like yesterday. Me debugging other peoples crap while they write more crap.
Posted by: Roger at July 23, 2004 11:20 AM (eeFqm)
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Today I rang neil at work. I got his voicemail. so I left a message, telling him I was Mrs Poodle, and to please call me.
When he called I told him I'd got something for him.
What is it? he asked.
A skull. I tell him.
He's always saying how he wants a skull. He laughed, and asked if it was real. I told him it was.
Where did you get it? he asks.
At the beach. I tell him.
Is it a bird? he asks.
Yes. I tell him. An ibis.
So indeed. There is an ibis skull sitting outside on the table. I wasn't bringing it inside.
I think that makes today memorable.
Posted by: melanie at July 23, 2004 11:28 AM (jDC3U)
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I have found blogging useful for that. I observe more of the world around me and try to record it for writing about it later. It's the difference between seeing and looking. The difference is being open and willing to become engaged by what you are looking at it. Most of the time, we look but don't see.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 23, 2004 11:28 AM (X3Lfs)
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I don't know, that sign sounds like a curse to me. Either its saying this is it, you won't be having anymore to remember, or, since we tend to remember bad days more than good ones, don't be surprised if all your hair falls out.
I personally lean towards the yesterday sucked, today is ok, but tomorrow is going to be cool! I know its a game, but it does give a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I sure hope that wasn't a condom ad you were looking at, heh
Posted by: Dane at July 23, 2004 12:09 PM (ncyv4)
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It's an advert for a charity called
VSO.
I've depressingly run out of books to re-read so I'm reduced to staring blankly at tube adverts on my way to work now.
Posted by: Gareth at July 23, 2004 12:32 PM (JVSGz)
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I can't say it is a day. Maybe its a moment. For me that is. I remember my moments. Not just the obvious ones like the day I left my parents house never to actually live there again. But sometimes it'll be a moment where I walk down the street and see an ad and makes me realize something. Whether that something is about me, or someone else, or a situation in life. But those moments stay with me. I can't tell you the exact date. But I can tell you what I was doing, what the sign looked like, and sometimes even what I was wearing. So I'd like to think I'm good at remembering and valuing.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 23, 2004 01:12 PM (tqQaS)
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I have to agree with Jadewolf. It's seldom a day, but there are memorable moments.
Sometimes the moments repeat themselves, just to remind me.
That happened to me a couple of days ago when I was walking in to a store from the parking lot. My youngest daughter slipped her hand into mine as we walked across the lot, and the moment hit me like a freight train. Just walking along holding hands with my little girl is what it's all about.
Amazing.
Posted by: Easy at July 23, 2004 02:15 PM (4cuLC)
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I kind of like that some days blur together. It means that being miserable won't be so memorable later. In contrast, I tend to remember every detail of the happier, goofy days. Of course, when the chemical depression kicks in, things reverse themselves quickly.
I've said it before and will again: if I could let go of all the song lyrics taking up space in this puny brain,
I would rule the world. Bwahahah!
Posted by: Kaetchen at July 23, 2004 04:26 PM (1nMRx)
9
I believe you can make every day special and memorable. Depends a bit on what your expectations are, but if you expect very little, every moment will be worth remembering.
And as for the sunshine, yawp...it's been sunny here in Derbyshire all day too. Very nice day
Posted by: croxie at July 23, 2004 06:26 PM (3Ijsq)
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I am also like Jadewolff, I rarely have entire days which are memorable, but I remember little moments all the time. They are like photographs in my head, instead of a video - if that makes sense. Today may be a day where a whole roll is taken, or it might be a one snapshot afternoon.
Posted by: Tami at July 23, 2004 06:30 PM (r+S4w)
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No. But I'm good with details. If it's significant, I'll remember every last thing about it.
And I haven't had a chance to say yet... that I love the new look of your site. Marvelous, and easier to read. The default is my favorite skin.
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 23, 2004 06:38 PM (kmBPo)
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I count letters in signs...
Hmm, I do that too. Actually I count letters and numbers. Weird habit.
Posted by: Kandy at July 23, 2004 08:16 PM (fnOQ7)
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I had a memorable day..... whether it's for the rest of my life, i don't know.. but it will be for the rest of my time at my company....
Posted by: sasoozie at July 23, 2004 09:24 PM (iywP4)
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it was even sunny in edinburgh!
I hope it holds out for me when I head down to London tomorrow. Please do the Helen dance that made the sun come out again
Posted by: stinkerbell at July 24, 2004 09:18 AM (G4OEp)
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Did you watch Amelie? She paid attention to details too.
You write well. I saw your link while reading the feedback @
http://www.JibJab.com
Alex in Toronto, ON CA
Posted by: Alex at July 26, 2004 06:24 AM (8F2la)
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Yes, today is another day that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. Lately, I have had a few too many "memorable" days...some wonderful, and some, um, not-too-hot.
Lately, I've been wishing for some humdrum days.
Posted by: Dawn at July 26, 2004 07:03 PM (I0H7V)
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July 22, 2004
Gasp-a Political Post
I have a new man in my life.
His name is Godfrey Bloom.
And perhaps I should clarify-I have a new man in my life that I hate more than I hate getting razor burn on my bikini line.
I really don't get that interested in English politics, like I really didn't get that interested in Swedish politics because, frankly, if I can't vote and have a say then I figure why expend energy in trying to absorb all of the issues. But Godfrey Bloom has wound me up more than a grandfather clock at Madame Tussaud's, and I want something done about him.
Godfrey Bloom is a politician (no wait-it gets worse). He is a member of UKIP, which stands for the UK Independence Party, a party with a rather singular platform-to get the UK out of the EU. That's fine and dandy, whatever blows your skirts up, I can see pros and cons for being in the EU, but we can go ahead and have a party for it (not that kind of party.)
But Godfrey Bloom said this on Wednesday:
"No self-respecting small businessman with a brain in the right place would ever employ a lady of child-bearing age."
And guess what? He's the UKIP's representative for Women's Issues.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I am feeling anything but fine.
I beg your pardon, Godfrey Bloom? Have you taken a look around the workplace lately? I have noticed both in the UK and in Sweden that the males in the room fuck off around 4 pm everyday-essentially when child care closes down. And in Sweden, the paternity leave can be just as long as the maternity leave. Those of us without kids often get to stay late and keep working-to be clear, that's both the childless men and women who stay late.
And what about women like me? Women who are of childbearing age but cannot/will not/do not want to have children? OK, so I am hoping to remedy that, but I know quite a few women that opted clean out of the baby ring. Are you saying that just because they're still menstruating they're out?
What about older women that have babies? Cherie Blair, for example, had her baby at age 46. Or perhaps she doesn't count since her hubby is a Prime Minister and can bring home the bacon for the family? Now that IVF and fertility drugs have opened doors for childless couples, it's not uncommon to see women having babies in their mid-40's.
So, Godfrey Bloom, with that in mind, are you really saying that women between the ages of 16 and 50 shouldn't work at all?
Godfrey Bloom took up his position as he says:
"I just don't think they clean behind the fridge enough".
"I am here to represent Yorkshire women who always have dinner on the table when you get home. I am going to promote men's rights," he added.
Right.
Well, Godfrey Bloom, perhaps if you didn't make your wife serve your meal on top of the fridge, then you wouldn't have to clean out behind it so much. Act like a pig, eat like a pig, I always say. You can check behind my fridge-it's pretty clean. But then, I have table manners, so that's a big help.
Here's a news flash, Archie Bunker. By saying that we should have your dinner ready deingrates the promotion of the new nuclear family, a more cooperative effort that doesn't see the average housewife secretly downing martinis before her man comes home and bonking the milkman just to get a little lubrication out of her life. If my man's dinner is ready before he comes home, that's because I want to cook and want to cook for him. It's not because I am told to. And I'd like to see the end result of a man who tries to order me to clean out from behind the fridge.
You might find his testicles hanging back there like a rearview window car deodorizer.
I work with a few Yorkshire lads, and they tell me Yorkshire men:
1) Come from God's country
2) Don't pronounce "H's" in place names, so "Halifax" becomes "Alifax".
3) Are so cheap they won't give you the steam off their piss.
But nowhere do they say that Yorkshire men are caveman-dwelling, misogynistic assholes. They omitted that part. So maybe Godfrey Bloom's "unga-bunga" 1950's attitude is not a good representative for Yorkshire men.
Godfrey Bloom also says:
"...equal rights legislation was actually putting women out of work, adding that MEPs had "little or no business experience" and did not understand the consequences of their actions."
Yet on the radio interview I heard him give, he said that the men's legislation was "understood and the norm". They didn't need legislation as that's the way business should be run. They are the standard, ergo women working must be the exception, the "abnormal", if you will.
So you do want women out of the workplace, then.
From my perspective, it's the cost of doing business if you want to own or run your own business. Women need to take maternity leave? Sorry-that was a risk you should've assumed beforehand. You want to champion the small businessman and protect them from the hordes of breeding women, Godfrey Bloom? OK. Mr. Y's father owns his own business, and his number 1 guy is about to take off on sabbatical for one year to sail around the world, leaving Mr. Y's father's business screwed. Where do you see yourself protecting that businessman?
Or does it not count as "protecting men's rights"?
But he's worked with women before. As a champion for women, he was severely taxed mentally and physically in his support for the Cambridge University ladies' rugby team.
"After the 2003 Varsity match, he praised the victorious Cambridge 'girls'Â, stating that while some might think them 'manly'Â, they actually 'scrub up very nicely'Â."
Right. Thank God you survived that nightmare to go on and be such a public figure.
Trust me, Godfrey Bloom, the glass ceiling is very much still in place. I know, I've smacked it a few times. And you want to play the game about women of childbearing age not working? Fine. Let's see what happens to your economy. Work it that way, and you're going to need the support payments from the EU you're so desperately trying to seperate from.
The paper goes on to say:
"The new MEP's wife, Katie, was unavailable for comment last night."
Hopefully, she was busy at her solicitor's filing divorce papers. Or buying poison from the shop to spice up his ready-for-you-darling lamb dinner on the table. Or bonking the milkman.
If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to make some breakfast. It'll take me a while to get downstairs, what with my childbearing hips and all.
-H.
PS-Read more here and here.
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1
how on earth can someone with attitudes like that get to be his party rep for Womens Issues?? Do they not have women members of this party? What do they think of his attitudes??
I'm honestly stunned. That's just plain... prehistoric!!
Posted by: melanie at July 22, 2004 09:36 AM (jDC3U)
2
Probably coz a lot of the attitude around this country is very old fashion, Melanie.
Maybe someone should tell good ol Godfrey where children comes from and that they are the ones that grow up to take care of his future.
It always pissed me off that woman in child-bearing age or pregnant woman seems to be a burden of some kind.
Hell...without us they would be nothing.
Posted by: croxie at July 22, 2004 09:49 AM (OYMfh)
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Melanie,
It's the UK independence party and apparently they don't have any women members! It's a really bizarre concept - UKIP in Europe trying to wreck it. But then IMHO the UKIP is strange - from Mr Kilroy-Silk down. You hear some of the stuff that Robert spouts, and is it any wonder other members of his party act the way they do?
Mr Bloom - I salute you if only for being a monument to the some of the worst traits of maleness.
Posted by: Andy at July 22, 2004 10:20 AM (JsIGx)
4
umm yeah. I am in Edinburgh today (London in 4 days!! WHEEE off to another more expensive place in the owrld. HOLY SHIT Is it expensive here.)
And I saw that in the news yesterday, I say we hack his nads and put one on each or our rear view mirrors. As for Katie the wife, I can only assume she was maknig his dinner lacing it with arsenic. that is if she was a self respecting woman.
well said!
Posted by: stinkerbell at July 22, 2004 10:23 AM (EeSJT)
5
Something tells me that Katie wasn't preparing a laced dinner or bonking the milkman. I think Katie was unavailable to the press because that was what Bloomers told her to be. A man like that does not marry a woman who thinks for herself.
Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 10:50 AM (behRF)
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Now now ladies, you must understand, all this political business is very complicated, and best left to the men who are naturally equipped to handle it. Besides, you have your own issues to attend to, as I mentioned the refrigerator cleaning, and there is also meal planning, the laundry, shopping, etc. Don't you think you have enough going on in your busy little lives that you really shouldn't be taking time out to talk about things you don't understand? What you should be concerned with is that you support the decisions your man makes for you family, and remember just how hard he works to put food on the table. He doesn't want to hear about your petty issues of equality, and womenÂ’s rights, not when he has to deal with important, real issues everyday at his job. Remember he has a lot of stress and pressure in his life, you should want to make sure that he doesn't have to lower himself to dealing with all the minor drudgery of running a home. You should be proud that if you work hard, and try your very best you can remove this one nuisance from the list so he can deal with the making the important choices for your families future. Everyone has to do their part you know.
Posted by: Godfrey Bloom at July 22, 2004 12:08 PM (ncyv4)
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It's amazing that a politician is permitted to say such things it public and remain in one piece. And I second Jim's comment, I assumed a wife of such oa go-nad was told to keep quiet. I figure, if she could think for herself, by this time she'd be wearing the two veg as earrings and Godfrey's tirades would be delivered at a higher pitch.
Posted by: karmajenn at July 22, 2004 01:51 PM (fx1A8)
8
That's truly amazing. Stupidity of such awesome proportions deserves some sort of recognition.
The link did say that he was trying to be humorous, but some things just aren't funny.
Posted by: Eay at July 22, 2004 02:10 PM (j25cw)
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In the US we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so women have the right to aspire to any position they want; and that's how it should be. But part of me wonders if they shouldn't aspire to a more important goal, raising a family. If a woman isn't in the work force, a company will hire a man to do her job, and it'll get done. But if a woman isn't in the home raising her family, a lot is getting left undone, and there's no one to fill that void. Daycare workers do NOT care for or nurture your children as much as you do!!
I've seen at least a dozen women have children, take their 12 week leave WITH PAY, and then decide not to come back to work. Every time a woman has a baby, productivity goes down significantly during the 3rd trimester (if not sooner), and then she gets paid for 12 weeks off. When my two angels were born, I used a week's worth of vacation time for each of them. I'm not saying I agree with Bloom, but logically I can see his point on child bearing women being more costly. Can't you?
Posted by: Solomon at July 22, 2004 02:12 PM (k1sTy)
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The problem is that he is only saying that to grab the headlines and to make Britain look stupid. The UKIP want to break Europe from the inside by talking crap and making fools of themselves. Hence, he as women's minister goes against everything that he is meant to go for when it comes to women's rights.
UKIP - Posh name for the BNP. Both are an embarasment to Britain.
Unfortunately, my mate's uncle is the head of the UKIP - but we have great fun winding him up.
Posted by: Tilesey at July 22, 2004 03:08 PM (ya9xC)
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How on earth is raising a family more important than working? Often, in terms of single moms, it goes hand in hand.
But it's this that I take umbrage at:
If a woman isn't in the work force, a company will hire a man to do her job, and it'll get done.
Meaning that a woman wouldn't get the job done?
Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 03:31 PM (pS7+B)
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And why does the
woman have to be the one to stay home and raise the family in all of these scenarios?
Why can't the man be the stay at home person?
Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 03:43 PM (pS7+B)
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Like Tilesy said, the UKIP are simply the BNP for middle-aged, middle class bigots.
Unfortunately they picked up a sizeable protest vote in the last round of European elections (as did similar bunches of loons from other EU countries), partly due to voter dissatisfaction/disillusionment with the major parties, partly due to the cult of the Daily Mail and partly due to a lot of middle-Englanders quite liking that nice Mr Kilroy-Silk who got sacked by the BBC.
Looking on the bright side, their plan to bring down the EU from the inside by claiming their MEP salaries, but not actually going to Brussels to vote on anything is clearly doomed to failure; and statements like these will hopefully only hasten their retreat back under the stone they've crawled out from.
Posted by: Gareth at July 22, 2004 03:56 PM (JVSGz)
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H, the man can't be the stay at home person because he's the one spouting the mysogynistic claptrap.
Generally speaking that is, although I'm sure Godfery Bloom would explain things differently.
The only logical (yet inexcusable) reason I can think of for the woman staying at home with the family and the man working is that men still get paid more for doing exactly the same jobs as women. Of course, that's logic based on an inequality that should have been corrected years ago and so inherently flawed, but from a purely materialistic "kids are expensive" viewpoint, it makes sense for the highest earner in the family to keep working assuming on or other parent quits their job, regardless of gender.
Posted by: Gareth at July 22, 2004 04:02 PM (JVSGz)
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Good post, love the way you ended it.
Posted by: justme at July 22, 2004 04:29 PM (F/Z9Q)
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I'm not sure if I'm comforted or disappointed by the fact that UK politicians can apparently be just as stupid and backwards as ours in the US.
Posted by: gemtaur80 at July 22, 2004 04:50 PM (Sn5k/)
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Helen - You should know me better than to think I would "slam" a woman that way. My point was only that if you or I quit our jobs tomorrow, our companies will find someone to do our work. But moms aren't expendable. You can't just get someone to fill in for raising your children.
What's more important, raising a child, writing a program, or fine tuning hamsters? The programs I write and the rodents you work on will be obsolete & useless within 10 years. Raising children correctly will positively impact the next generation and beyond. To me parenting eclipses any profession in importance.
The man CAN stay home, but then the work force still has to deal with diminished work capacity during pregnancy, 12 weeks paid time off, and moms leaving due to maternal instincts. Very few dads leave a job when they have a child; quite a few moms do. Plus very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY few dads do as well at nurturing children as moms do.
Posted by: Solomon at July 22, 2004 06:52 PM (k1sTy)
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Sorry, Solomon my dear. I realize you weren't slamming women. I'm perhaps a wee bit hot under the collar about this one.
But you said one thing that I absolutely agree on lately-my rodent work? Pointless.
Hence why I really do need to "get a life".
Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 07:50 PM (pS7+B)
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I understand. We all have something that gets us hot and bothered.
Posted by: Solomon at July 22, 2004 08:16 PM (k1sTy)
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Oh my goodness, did you take him down or WHAT? That was like the verbal equivalent of a Jackie Chan movie. A Jackie Chan movie from Hong Kong, unedited, no plot and all ass-kicking.
TFA. Totally fucking awesome.
Posted by: ilyka at July 22, 2004 09:55 PM (GbdTC)
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And perhaps I should clarify-I have a new man in my life that I hate more than I hate getting razor burn on my bikini line.
*Cringe* Wax darling....wax!
Posted by: Lily at July 22, 2004 11:41 PM (PuHU/)
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Wow! What a maroon!
Even in the most calculating, cynical, cold business schemer who is slightly astute knows that to make money, it is the right person for the right job.
My sister is/was in the child-bearing age or pregnant catagory and she still works happily in the small company who set up a secure networked computer at her home to "profit" from her attention to detail and responsibility that is in her nature. Responsibility increased further because of her child.
They knew that in countless years she saved them from making accounting/deal/business mistakes more costly than her salary. Pregnant women aren't suddenly paraplegic; she was there nearly the full year anyway before and after birth.
I personally believe a company that intentionally creates a corporate culture that is beyond government regulations and based on a genuine interest and investment in their people, focused on their families and success, can run more smoothly and efficiently managed than any selfish driven-from-the-top enterprise.
As a company grows or maybe is in league with other like minded small businesses, I believe it is in their best interest to include day care and after school programs for their male and female employee's children. A company that reduces external stresses and gains the confidence of it's people is nearly unbeatable and also returns a more rewarding life to it's founders.
Posted by: Roger at July 23, 2004 02:52 AM (eeFqm)
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Helen,
My friend Gwynneth has a high powered job in the Holden (=General Motors) company. Her partner Dharaigh is the primary carer for the kids. He does a bit of work for himself during school hours. Gwynneth is entitled to a company car, and gets them replaced almost weekly with anything her little heart desires. Because Dharaigh is the petrol head of the family, it is generally what his little heart desires, as well as a classic Morris Minor of his own.
They have a great life.
Another woman, Cath, manages a warehouse of aids for the disabled. She employs her partner part time but he is the major carer. Actually they are more 50-50 than the first couple.
They too are doing well.
Posted by: Helen at July 23, 2004 01:02 PM (6SND1)
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Roger - I understand pregnant women don't become paraplegics, but especially during the 3rd trimester, they don't get around as well, go to the bathroom hourly, have doctor visits biweekly (and eventually weekly), are much more drained in energy, and their mind is frequently elsewhere. You're right that companies need the right person for the right job, but is there only one right person?
And now your sister's company has the added cost of networking her from home, not being able to have a face to face conversation at will, and only getting 80% of her time. Prechild, she probably worked for them a solid 8 hours a day, but now she has to spend part of her time feeding, changing, holding, and playing with your niece/nephew. I'm not saying her company should dump her and hire a man; I think they're very smart to accommodate her since she knows their business so well and has helped them so much in the past.
But don't you agree that, in general, child bearing women are more costly than nonchild bearing men? There are exceptions, but businesses should accommodate exceptions not base standard policy on them.
Posted by: Solomon at July 23, 2004 02:02 PM (k1sTy)
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Helen-I want a Morris Minor so badly you wouldn't believe it!
Posted by: Helen at July 23, 2004 02:44 PM (pS7+B)
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Solomon, I don't agree with you at all on your cost assessments. Nor on the amount of unavailablity. You don't see the right investments. Also you don't see that you would be hard pressed to find your male replacement. Nor that if a company is 'worth it' to employees they won't try the 12 week maternity leave and then quit approach to their careers.
There is way too much emphasis on hours over quality time/work. In the company I want to create, I'll apply a technique I've used in running a lab. Tell the guys, we have more lined up next week; lets get ready for it. Why don't we quit at noon on Friday, I'll wash the labware, see you next week. And on the individual basis, I sometimes suggest they ask their wives for date. And the next week they come back to work grinning and telling me they had a great weekend. Having people sitting around waiting for the clock does a company no good. But in return I want a little extra on days when the company/project needs it.
The biggest problem people have in running a business is the lop-sided salary ratio of CEO's to everyone else. Instead of 300:1 try 7:1. If a CEO and clique need 5 homes, a couple of jets, 15 girlfriends, etc. each they'll be soundly beaten by the type of company I want to build. I'll have better(in multiple ways) people working 'with' me. Emphasis on 'with'.
Posted by: Roger at July 23, 2004 03:08 PM (8S2fE)
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Roger,
I like your ideas for a company and would love to work for a company like that.
I know how costly it is to replace someone; that's not the point I'm addressing. If you had a 25 year old male & female candidate who were exactly equally qualified for a job, on average the female will cost more in the long run. She has a significant work capacity diminisher that men don't have. If she has 2 children over 10 years, that's 24 weeks off that men don't get, X days off due to doctor visits, and Y hours of diminished work capacity due to fatigue and other pregnant related issues. Plus there are other female issues that men don't have that can cause regular disruptions in the daily work flow.
I'm not saying women shouldn't work, or that they aren't as good as men in office jobs; but I do think child bearing women have a major cost associated with them that men don't have. Isn't that true?
Posted by: Solomon at July 23, 2004 07:22 PM (k1sTy)
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Tilesey: Oddly, none of the people at Samizdata seem to think that UKIP is
anything like the BNP. (I mention them because they a) despise the BNP, b) generally like the UKIP, and c) know a lot more about UK politics than I, as a Yank, do.)
Solomon, Roger: Note that, while I don't particularly wish to defend Mr. Bloom against the outrage directed at him, that he said specifically
small businessmen, not large corporations. He should be attacked, if he should at all, for what he said, not something else that sounds similar, but he did not say.
I suspect there might be some truth in what he says, namely that
small business owners may be unlikely to hire women statistically likely to get pregnant.
If this is so, then it is so, and he's not doing anything more than being impolitic for
saying it. If it's not so, then he's wrong.
(And he's a lousy politician no matter what for saying such a thing, in those terms, where someone could get it on tape.)
Posted by: Sigivald at July 23, 2004 09:32 PM (4JnZM)
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Sigivald, a small business run right with people working 'with' each other can make more money per capita than a large corporation. I don't follow your delineation. A person who is right for the job who also has a healthy uterus is not a burden or expensive proposition when all involved have their priorities right, including her family unit. In fact a mom-to-be can have a wonderful effect on the business and everyone around her. Sure beats employing the slutty bitch who has her tubes tied and proves to be more interested in turning the work place into a soap opera.
Posted by: Roger at July 24, 2004 02:37 PM (8S2fE)
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July 21, 2004
One Moment in Time
It's the little moments I like.
- When Mr. Y brings me up a cup of coffee in the morning, snuggled in bed, and allows me to take a few moments to get myself alive again, ignoring my sour milk morning breath and brillo-pad bed hair.
- When my eyebrows are perfectly plucked and looking good.
- Knowing that I have a holiday coming up. I'm one of those that makes lists of things I need to take with me, and also one of those that like to cross off said items from my list.
- Feeling the arch and pull of the muscles in my thighs when I wear cute girlie fuck-me strappy shoes. Like I am wearing again today.
- Sunshine smacking me on the shoulder-blades and back, dripping down my face and neck.
- Wearing a ponytail. I think I never want short hair ever again.
- Watching people on the train and on the tube. Seeing a long-haired, hippy type man, all copper bracelets and headband, an aging lover of Woodstock and the Eagles, who whips a cell phone out of his pocket and starts discussing share prices. A young woman with a januty belt sat snugly over a tiny exposed stomach, reading a paper and balancing with one arm against a bar. A shy Indian woman, watching the passengers of the tube with what looks like wary eagerness.
- Watching my flowers bloom, and knowing that more will come.
- When Mr. Y made breakfast and served me mine first yesterday.
- Having a warm purring cat snuggled in my arms or on my lap. A cat that trusts me, loves me, needs me.
- Watching "Have I Got News For You" on tv. Even the old ones.
- Reading something or getting a comment from someone that tells me that for one second, I popped outside the "Crazy Helen" bubble and met someone that understands and knows what I feel about something, too.
- That Mr. Y's step-mother, a woman shunned by his family, was the first person in his whole extended family to take a picture of me yesterday, maybe as a sign that she thinks I am going to be around for a little while.
- Falling asleep in bed with either Mr. Y's arm around me and the smooth silk of his perfect cock curved against my lower back. Or with me lying behind him as he reads, my arm just above the arc of his pelvis, with his warm heat oozing over my wrist.
- Understanding and saying the right things. I wish it could happen more.
-H.
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Helen, can you really orgasm in your sleep. neet trick! Robo.
Posted by: Rob at July 21, 2004 11:59 AM (2hKEo)
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That was really nice, I enjoyed reading it. By the way, how does Mr. Y feel about his step mother now since he understands her prespective better? Just curious
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 21, 2004 12:47 PM (hl2F8)
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Excellent list. It's the little things, which when taken in perspective, become so large. I think that's how it should be.
Posted by: RP at July 21, 2004 01:53 PM (LlPKh)
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Word of the Day
hypnagogic \hip-nuh-GOJ-ik; -GOH-jik\,
adjective:
Of, pertaining to, or occurring in the state of drowsiness preceding sleep.
Posted by: Rob at July 21, 2004 02:07 PM (2hKEo)
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Very cool list. Dont forget to add your fav cereal to it.
Posted by: Drew at July 21, 2004 02:18 PM (CBlhQ)
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I think that is good therapy, to sit down and think about all the little things that make us feel good. I think I will do that today and make my own list. Thanks H!
Posted by: justme at July 21, 2004 04:38 PM (PoHZZ)
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BTW, the correct name for those shoes is "Come Fuck Me Pumps".
Posted by: MS at July 21, 2004 06:56 PM (/aToP)
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I want to bring up that you mentioned Mr Y's step mom and his "smooth perfect cock" in the same post.
Posted by: pylorns at July 21, 2004 08:01 PM (FTYER)
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I can too
and that is a lovely list.
Posted by: melanie at July 21, 2004 10:42 PM (jDC3U)
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The "fuck me shoes" thing...
Thank you for the mental imagery. Thank you thank you thank you.
Combine that with the ponytail, and NOW we're REEELLY gettin' somewhere!
Posted by: Mike the Marine at July 23, 2004 06:00 AM (ol7V1)
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Very nice, girlie girl.
I'd post my own, too, but I have this problem wherein I read a Helen Post and can't blog for a few hours due to my severe feelings of inadequacy.
I'm really not worthy.
Posted by: Emma at July 23, 2004 06:03 AM (NOZuy)
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July 20, 2004
Whatcha' Dreamin' About?
It's funny the way dreams affect us.
This morning, both Mr. Y and I are struggling to shake off the cobwebs of our subconscious after we pass a night of Kafka dreams (again, I call all bad dreams Kafka dreams, they don't have to be the ones where a giant stick insect that is your father is trying to bite your head off).
Mr. Y dreamt all about his divorce settlement last night (his divorce should be finalized within a month, I think, and it hasn't gone so smoothly thus far). So this morning, thanks to his clever technical capacity and his need for a java infusion, he is surfing the web from his wifi laptop in bed, reading about divorce settlement sites and for a good local pub where we can have lunch with his kids, his father, and his stepmother (they are driving down to have lunch with us. I am, indeed, moderately nervous).
I dreamt all about aliens, panic, stress, and fear, topped off by the appearance of a guy I work with that has been flirting with me and has Mr. Y on guard (and no, I haven't been flirting back with him).
You think that when you sleep, it's all supposed to be so restful, but the truth is half the time I get a lot of torture throughout the night. I used to keep a dream journal, but that was thrown into the fireplace in the Great Helen Purge of Winter 2003, so maybe I need to invest in a new one.
I have always had problems at night. I've never been a bed-wetter, but name just about anything else that's on the border of Fucked Up Land, and I have done it. Most of my life I have suffered from a type nightmares so advanced that head doctors have a specific name for them-"night terrors".
Nice. I'll see your "screwed-up" and raise you a "nut job".
Sometimes my dreams are brutal and graphic, and they stay with me forever. Once I dreamt that I had to rescue children, I was running through the forest with my arms cut by the bitter leaves off the trees, puffing and heaving my way through, desperate to find the children. I reached a big awful house and ran around to the back, where I saw a pond. In the pond, curled into fetal position, were dozens of drowned children. I was bereft and in utter despair.
To say that lake scene in "Lord of the Rings" freaked me out is an understatement.
Sometimes the dreams are graphic and violent, sometimes they are stressful and emotional-once I dreamt Mr. Y dumped me and announced he was going back to his wife...but he did it via conference call with all of Company X. But all of my dreams involve me running from something horrible, and/or needing to rescue children.
My therapist told me that some people think that dreams are the subconscious trying to tell you that there are unresolved issues. That the rescuing children issue stems from something in my childhood, as does the running bit. That maybe the Kafka stems from something inside that I am not dealing with.
Then again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Maybe the truth is, I simply have a wild imagination.
Sleepwalking? Done that. Talking in my sleep? Check. Battled the person next to me in bed? Yup, that too. Night terrors, crying and screaming? Indeed.
But-get this-sometimes I also sing or laugh. Or act out things that had happened.
Seriously.
For instance-one night when I was with Kim, we played Scrabble. Now, Kim and I used to love Scrabble and I-being a typical Type-A personality-hated to lose. Hated it. So sometimes the game got heated. Anyway, that night it got really contentious and in a moment of pure and perfect maturity, I threw the board across the room.
It took us forever to find all the pieces.
I can be such a dumbass.
Anyway, that night I dreamt I had found the missing "E" tile, as the dog had scooped it up and was trying to eat it. I was wrestling the dog to get the tile out of his mouth, when I heard:
"Eeeunnnnh!"
What?
"EEEEEUUUUNNNNHHH!"
It was then I realized that I had been dreaming, and I had rolled over, pried open Kim's jaws and was digging around in his mouth for the "E" tile.
Sleeping with me is such a hazard.
Luckily, I have a nice man now to help me deal with it.
-H.
PS-This is Petunia, a perfect cat who lives nearby. Petunia was called "Mental Cat" by us until we got to know him. Petunia has some unusual eyes, and on his front paws he has an extra toe, and on his back paws he has two extra toes. When he walks, he veers to the left and always has to tilt his head. It turns out Petunia had a stroke at birth, and he's a bit special. But after getting to know him (and his very sweet and loving owners), I am wildly in love with him. He comes into our house, where I feed him and dote on him. I think he's fabulous. I hope my girls like him, when they come in 4 and a half months.
Petunia:
View image
Petunia and I:
View image
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1
Hi Helen,
I've heard your supposed to be able to control your dreams!? Apparently there's a state your in just before you fall off into a dream sleep. Whatever your thinking of at that time will dominate your dream. never done it myself so don;t know if it's true. just thought I'd mention it.
Rob x
Posted by: Rob at July 20, 2004 11:32 AM (2hKEo)
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Awwww...Petunia is gorgeous *sigh*
I have a neighbors cat roaming around here too, but not indoors. They are sweethearts though
As for dreams...I used to do the dream diary too a long time ago, trying to understand. But I gave it up since nothing made any sense to me.
But I do believe that there's a part of our mind that doesn't rest at night. It can open a lot of doors you had no clue was locked. Heck, that's how I found out that I'd been sexually abused as a kid. My therapist followed a thread in a nightmare that kept coming back and a huge nest of ugly things appeared.....creepy stuff.
And I've heard the same thing as Rob...about controlling your dreams. Heaven knows howto though...
Posted by: croxie at July 20, 2004 11:38 AM (99ehg)
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Rob-I've heard that, too. But always thought it was a bit of twilight kind of sleep, i.e. just before you wake up or just before you doze off. Like, when the dream is going badly, you realize you CAN orgasm/save the damsel/end world hunger.
Posted by: Helen at July 20, 2004 12:18 PM (pS7+B)
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I've also heard of what Rob mentions. It never worked for me but I'm also exceptionally stubborn so I probably just ignored myself.
You can also try using a dream guide. That's where Mr.Y would talk to you while you are falling asleep, basically telling you the story of what you are dreaming. Generally your dream will follow along with what your partner is saying and then you'll take over when you hit REM sleep.
Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 12:28 PM (IOwam)
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Helen,
I'm so happy to hear the cats are coming in a few months!! How did you work out that whole UK quarantine thing? I am thinking of getting a cat (my wonderful girl died last october and now it's time!!) but I might move to the UK in a year or 2. From the US. Any advice on preparing for the possible move (e.g. microchip) ? thanks!
Posted by: Allison at July 20, 2004 12:58 PM (neEWW)
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I always have dreams but can never control them. They're usually benign though. I've also heard the "program yourself to dream" scheme but could never implement it...and not for lack of trying.
A former coworker of mine had night terrors, and he'd frequently wake up in the middle of the living room or outside battling an alien. Poor guy.
Posted by: Solomon at July 20, 2004 01:36 PM (k1sTy)
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You actually can take control of your dreams. I've done it before. It normally doesn't start out that way. But there are times when in mid-dream, I'll realize I'm dreaming and changing things that happen. Of course, I can't do it all the time. Though most of the time, I do realize while I'm dreaming, that it's a dream and I don't really have to be scared.
Oh, and that is a really cute kitty
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 20, 2004 01:41 PM (tqQaS)
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Awww! Petunia is gorgeous! He looks like a kitty named Kate who used to come around my place in San Diego. Kate was flea ridden, but she let me put flea stuff on her and brush her. Kate and I had a good thing going, man. She was a sweet kitty.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 20, 2004 02:00 PM (Kpjuf)
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You can control your dreams if you believe you can. And tell yourself so before you go to sleep, that if I start having that dream, I will do this this and this, and this is what will happen. It worked for me.
From the time I was a little kid, I had a recurring nightmare about being chased through dark streets or forests or desert, but always being chased, and always wearing a dress, (like your mother made you wear when you were a little kid that tied in a big bow in the back), and the ties were always floating, untied behind me, and that was how I knew how fast I was running, I could see them flying behind me.
So I heard about controlling your dreams. I was about 23, and had had that dream again. And woke up freaked out and scared of whomever was chasing me. About a month later, I had that dream again. I told myself in the dream, you know this is just a dream, and you are not a little kid anymore, stand your ground and find out what the person who is chasing you wants. In my dream, I stopped, turned around and the person ran up to me and I said what the hell do you want? I couldn't see a face, just a hat, it was a man in a suit, no one that I could recognize, and he said turn around. So I did, and he tied the bow on the back of my dress. And then walked away.
Don't know what it meant, don't know why or anything else, but I do know that I didn't ever have that dream again.
I'd had that dream from the time I was little, like 4 or 5, once or twice a month, waking up terrified every time, and it was over, just like that. You just have to make up your mind that something will trigger the knowledge that it's a dream, and then you will take control. It's actually easier than it sounds.
Posted by: Donna at July 20, 2004 02:10 PM (FZsl3)
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I've had my share of weird/scary dreams but luckily they are few and far between. If you can make Scrabble into a contact sport I wish Y luck when you guys break out a Twister mat!
Petunia has Children of the Corn eyes!
On Sanibel Island, FL there was a cat walking around the resort that had two paws on each front leg! Nice mental picture, eh?
He was freaky in an inbreeding experiment gone horribly wrong kind of way. Once I started calling him "Six Paws" he seemed less freaky.
Posted by: Paul at July 20, 2004 02:56 PM (xdj7o)
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Depending upon stress levels and the actual degree of importance of the things going on in my life, I've had moderate success controlling some of my dreams. However, when my subconscious is fighting with my unwilling conscious to just let something go, my dreams are at their most Kafka-esque. I've woken from dreams having been told my husband doesn't love me anymore, that my (someone close to me) has suddenly passed, and that my job is no longer mine. Several of these things have happened to me before during waking, of course, and I'm no better at dealing with the dreams than I am the reality. Truth be known, I think if I were any good at dealing with the reality then the dreams either wouldn't recur or they just wouldn't bother me. I've dreamed the theme of rescuing children, as well, and my hands started shaking about the time I read that part of your post. I think that one also is playing out in my life, considering what path I've taken.
I wish you the best of luck and again, thank you for posting so honestly. When I read what you write I learn things about myself.
Posted by: Lisa at July 20, 2004 04:00 PM (Wu7QI)
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Ah, I think we are somewhat kindred spirits in terms of dreaming. I once dreamed that I was trapped in the forest with a man who had me strapped down on a medical table, naked, and was cutting all over my body with razorblades. Somehow, I escaped, and was running naked through the forest in the snow, and as I'm running I somehow remember that this man that's chasing me through the forest with a gun used to be a soldier in Vietnam, and that I'm doomed not to get out of the situation alive. I dreamed dreams where people were trying to kill me, usually consisting of them chasing me to get me, every night for over ten years. Even the nights that I had decent/good dreams would have a second one of these dreams, the Kafka-type dreams, as you say.
Posted by: the girl at July 20, 2004 04:05 PM (XXTbQ)
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I woke up once when the then girlfriend was sat straddling me whilst I was lying on my front.
I wouldn't have minded if she wasn't smacking ten shades of crap out of my back whilst screaming "ants, ANTS!". She wasn't exactly the world's lightest girlfriend either, so getting her off was a challenge.
I NEVER let her forget that one ;-)
I want a cat. No fair.
Posted by: Tilesey at July 20, 2004 04:14 PM (ya9xC)
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I've done the same things throughout most of my life. In and out of therapy as a child because of my night terrors, they happened so often that my grandmother took to sleeping in a chair in my room for a while... I still talk in my sleep all the time, but thankfully, the night terrors are getting fewer, and the sleepwalking and sleepfighting are better.
Posted by: amber at July 20, 2004 04:22 PM (/ydz0)
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I also got a little shaky with the mention of the dreams of saving children. I used to have these dreams all of the time, too. I called them my "dead baby" dreams because I never succeeded in saving them...they always died somehow and sometimes it was me who caused their death. There was so often a recurring variation on that theme. I've found that when my Kafka dreams start coming back, it's time to get back into therapy. I do believe it is your subconscious sorting itself out, and these dreams will stop (though the talking and thrashing may continue) once you get your issues figured out. Yes, it's Freudian, but...
Posted by: klo at July 20, 2004 04:50 PM (Qzv/k)
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Hmm that makes my recurring dream of being chased by a vengeful ghost in my cousins' house seem like nothing. One thing that has helped me with "Kafka dreams" is trying to notice the things within the dream that don't make sense. If I try to focus on something that doesn't make sense, I usually end up realizing that I am dreaming and waking myself up from the dream. Not entirely sure how I do it though. Petunia is a cutie.
Posted by: gemtaur80 at July 20, 2004 05:37 PM (Sn5k/)
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I have never had really vivid dreams but a while back I quit smoking and wore nicotine patches. They say right on the box not to wear them a night because they give you nightmares, but my dreams were really bright and funny so I did. Until I went to visit my parents on Thanksgiving...when my Mom woke me up I was outside in the backyard hitting a cactus with the pool net and screaming obsenities. Quite funny looking back but I couldn't get that patch off fast enough.
Posted by: Lily at July 20, 2004 06:10 PM (PuHU/)
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Ah, Klo mentioned something I forgot to-whenever I dream that I have to rescue children, I too always fail.
I am always very upset about it, too.
Sometimes I hate Freud.
Posted by: Helen at July 20, 2004 06:26 PM (pS7+B)
19
Try LIVING with someone who acts out his dreams! He got drunk, fell asleep next to me, and I woke up after he tried to take a huge bite out of the back of my head. He was dreaming that he was eating an apple. (Well, that was his story, anyway.)
Posted by: Oda Mae at July 20, 2004 06:52 PM (s6ldp)
20
"PS-This is Petunia, a perfect cat who lives nearby"
I get the impression that any cat thats breathing is a perfect cat =)
Glad you found a friend till your girls show up. You might want to have a talk with the neighbor about the naming of animals...Darling as it is, Petunia is not something I would want to be yelling at the top of my lungs when looking for the cat. hehe
Posted by: Dane at July 20, 2004 07:40 PM (ncyv4)
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I used to fling myself out of the king-sized bed, all the way across my ex-husband's sleeping body in one huge leap, charge across the room and flip the light switch on in the bathroom, staring in terror at the ceiling before I actually woke up because I was sure there was a giant spider crouching above the bed.
What it really was, of course, was the ceiling light. I did this at least once a week for over 10 years, while my ex would say patiently, "Amber, there IS no spider! There's no damn spider, come back to bed!" I'd stand there and shiver until his words finally got through to me and I'd figure out he was right; no spider.
Funny thing is, once I moved out, the spider nightmares went away forever.
Even though I still have a ceiling light.
Posted by: Amber at July 20, 2004 09:15 PM (zQE5D)
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I can so completely identify with Amber's spider dreams! I've had those on and off for years.
Also, Helen: don't you just love a cat with extra toes!
Posted by: Terry at July 20, 2004 10:44 PM (axnXE)
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Terry-God, I LOVE the extra toes!
Posted by: Helen at July 21, 2004 11:40 AM (dKPoa)
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Email me please - Munuvian biznesssss.
Posted by: Ted at July 21, 2004 12:43 PM (blNMI)
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Richard Feynman did some experiments in Lucid Dreaming a while back. I somehow found this titbit in my brain whilst reading this entry. I have no clue who I know it, I even checked out his books on Amazon to see if I have read any of them, with the answer being a big fat no.. ! scary.. however the books do look trés interesant.
Posted by: sasoozie at July 21, 2004 01:35 PM (H8Lg2)
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My dreams when I was younger were horrible -
here. I don't have any of the three I used to have then, any more.
The ones I have now are all about a weird house with rooms all over the place, ones that are tacked on everywhere, with all sorts of weird levels.. and odd groups of people there.. people from my past, people from my now, and people from my... well.. people from out there.. you. The friends I have made online..
Or sex.
Posted by: melanie at July 21, 2004 10:40 PM (jDC3U)
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oh.. and they called a boy cat Petunia?? Poor Petunia!
Posted by: melanie at July 21, 2004 10:41 PM (jDC3U)
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Oh Helen..you bought back a vivid memory that I had forgotten completely..my brother and me playing monopoly and me getting SO angry at him for cheating and I threw the whole board across the room...Of course,I got into trouble for it!
Ive been away for a while in NZ so havent had a chance to read blogs...Its so lovely to hear you all happy and peaceful
Posted by: butterflies at July 22, 2004 01:09 AM (mF/af)
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Oh, Petunia isn't his real name. His real name is stunningly unique and utterly googleable
Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 08:50 AM (pS7+B)
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July 19, 2004
Childhood
This weekend has been both very difficult and ridiculously easy.
Melissa arrived very late on Friday night due to a delayed plane, all rumpled hair and gentle snarl. The plane had largely been empty, but she had spent two weeks at camp and then hopped the last plane to England, so to say she was tired was an understatement.
She also was not interested in speaking to me.
I was bereft but acted like everything was ok.
Somehow, it worked.
Saturday afternoon we took a car trip down to his other brother's house, in Brighton. The entire family would be there (sans his father and stepmother, since they're about as close as my mother, father and stepmother) and again, the butterflies were settling in. I had printed out some pics of Mr. Y and his brothers and Mr. Y and Jeff, and put them in frames for Mr. Y's Mum. I don't really know that they were received with enthusiasm, but then again I've never given them gifts so have no idea how gifts are generally received anyway.
The house, owned by Mr. Y's brother Sam, his wife Jane and their daughter Jilly, was perched on a hill overlooking Brighton. It was a chaotic home of renovations ongoing, but you could tell that they really loved being there and owning it, that they were making a house into a home.
Mr. Y's Mum and Jeff arrived next, Jeff throwing himself into Mr. Y's arms before coming to tackle me. He then hung out with me the entire time, up until Mr. Y's other brother Adam showed up with his daughter, then I was the Velveteen Rabbit while Jeff and his cousin brought the house down.
But strangely Melissa, who by all accounts was surrounded by family she has known her whole life, started sticking closely by me. We made Shirley Temples. Played with cherry pits. Talked a lot. Suddenly I was ok and accepted, and I jsut acted low-key about it.
To say I was low-key inside though...well that's not true. It was like a fucking Fourth of July fireworks display going on inside.
Towards the end, Mr. Y's Mum wanted her 5 grandchildren together for a picture. Mr. Y and his brothers got their cameras out while Y's Mum posed them. Jilly, a sweetheart in every sense of the word, has these beautiful almond-shaped eyes, as Jane is actually from the Phillipines. Jilly is the half-Asian child I have always wanted to look like, creamy skin and stunning coloring. But she was not happy sitting there, and the tears started up.
Jane called out to her in Tagalog, and trying to be helpful, Mr. Y and his brothers picked it up, too. They called out to Jilly what Jane just said.
"Bopbop, Jilly! Bopbop!"
Jilly looked up, confused.
"Bopbop!" The men cried, flapping their arms. "Bopbop!"
Jilly gave up and started crying into her Lala teletubby. Jane was wheezing with laughter.
Turns out the men got it wrong.
As Jane then explained, tears of laughter in her eyes, bopbop has no meaning in Tagalog.
"Ah." said Adam. "Bopbop must be the infinitive."
We went home, and yesterday we trooped out to London for the day. It was a good day, a day that Melissa and Jeff said, in the end, was the best London visit of their life. In the London Eye, I helped Melissa find landmarks for the complimentary sticker book. Jeff's hand, when it couldn't find Mr. Y's, would head for me. At the Cyberworld 3D IMAX, Jeff and Melissa and I tried to look cool in our gargantuan 3D glasses, putting on posh accents, while Mr. Y tried to ignore us. We all talked and laughed a lot, and when we came home Jeff and I got spanked in Monopoly.
It's all still so fraught with emotion and tension, but for the first time, I have felt how nice it is to be a friend, to be ok. And I love the feeling, I think his kids are great kids, and I want them to always feel like they are welcome here, no matter what. Because they are.
No matter what.
In a quiet car ride to Brighton, Melissa absorbed in a DVD in the backseat (portable DVD players...babysitters of the future), Mr. Y and I talked.
He asked me about IVF in the UK.
I told him what I know.
He suggested we go ahead and put my name on the waiting list.
I wonder what's in the road ahead.
If you'll excuse me now-a waterpark and Shrek 2 have my name written all over it.
-H.
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1
My first thought was OMG OMG OMG
...but this is just great news. i am so glad the weekend went well and that's right, you just never know what might be on the road ahead
Posted by: nisi at July 19, 2004 09:08 AM (GB5/9)
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It'll be Bacon and Egg 2...very exciting. It's a long road, as I sure you know.
Fingers are already crossed.
Posted by: Simon at July 19, 2004 10:12 AM (GWTmv)
3
You're doing great with Jeff and Melissa from the sound of it
The weekend sounds as if it had several different layers to it, but then again that's nothing strange.
Be happy and stay safe
Posted by: croxie at July 19, 2004 10:53 AM (J9Gs5)
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Put your name on the waiting list? Really?
What wonderful news to start the week with. I'm thrilled for you and wish you the best of luck with it all.
Also, nice going with the kids. I hoped they'd come around.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 19, 2004 11:16 AM (X3Lfs)
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IVF? What does Intel Video Technology have to do with anything?
Just funnin'. That's really wonderful news, Helen. Looks like Mr.Y is seeing how great you are with kids and it's waking up his new daddy jones. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 19, 2004 12:34 PM (IOwam)
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To echo everyone else, that really is great news!
Good Luck with all.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 19, 2004 12:59 PM (tqQaS)
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Not sure if u like when absolute strangers comment on ur personal blog. But I m really happy for you!! Looks like great things are going to happen soon. All the best!
Posted by: Jhanvi at July 19, 2004 01:13 PM (IvYGv)
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It's all about the babysteps with other people's children, no matter what your relationship to their parent(s).
Sounds like Mr Y. is taking babysteps too.
You're doing great H !
Posted by: sasoozie at July 19, 2004 01:19 PM (H8Lg2)
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Hi Helen,
Just found your site. liked reading your candid entries (ooer). Anyway will be popping back for more updates.
Take care - Rob x
Posted by: Robbie at July 19, 2004 02:44 PM (2hKEo)
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It took a minute for IVF to sink in--that's great news! Sounds like Mr Y has rethought things. I'm glad this is something that you have worked out. The kids issue can be a dealbreaker in a relationship.
Stepfamilies can be tricky. It takes a lot of love and patience. Just remember that there WILL be problems. There are ALWAYS problems. Stay the course and you'll be fine.
Posted by: Easy at July 19, 2004 03:00 PM (1YCns)
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I don't like the idea of our kids spending more than half their lives in front of the television watching dvds...
Posted by: pylorns at July 19, 2004 03:01 PM (FTYER)
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The Kids and Y will never cease to amaze you!
Excellent news, little flame.
Posted by: Paul at July 19, 2004 03:28 PM (xdj7o)
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wow, what a way to sneak that one in at the end, helen. i had to reread it to make sure i wasn't seeing things.
i bet you just soared at that news. i hope that it works out the way you want it to.
*hugs*
Posted by: becky at July 19, 2004 04:04 PM (Nfde1)
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Congratulations Helen and Mr Y on the work in progress with Melissa and Jeff! And congratulations again on the decision to get on with the IVF!
Posted by: amelia at July 19, 2004 04:32 PM (hYnWv)
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Sounds like you had a great weekend! Congrats and good luck with the IVF!
Posted by: justme at July 19, 2004 05:22 PM (kQ6Si)
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I'm so happy to hear your weekend went well. And thrilled and excited and nervous for you as you consider getting your name on that list. Congratulations on a very nice set of baby steps. The wonderful thing about baby steps is that often we're so engrossed in taking them one at a time that we fail to turn around and see how far they've gotten us from where we started. Turn around and just look at that view! Isn't it amazing?
Posted by: Lisa at July 19, 2004 05:30 PM (Wu7QI)
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How long is the waiting list?
Posted by: Drew at July 19, 2004 05:40 PM (CBlhQ)
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No idea how long the wait is-I haven't begun to find IVF facilities in the area.
Looks like some googling is in my future!
Posted by: Helen at July 19, 2004 07:11 PM (pS7+B)
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Sounds like it went fantastic! It was inevitable Melissa would thaw out for you eventually.
It's so funny you brought up IVF--somehow this weekend I wound up reading four different IVF/ART-themed blogs. I was stunned enough to learn what you went through with it, but some of the other stories out there are amazing as well . . . my hat is clean off to any woman who has the courage and the stamina to make the attempt(s). So know that my fingers will be totally perma-crossed for you and Mr. Y from the moment you set foot in the clinic, waiting lists be damned.
Posted by: ilyka at July 19, 2004 07:53 PM (EsRCK)
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sounds like the kids are really warming up to you. Just keep this in mind: periodic aloofness on their part probably has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
It's easy to get wrapped up in it and panic: "What did I do???" But seriously, 99% of the time it has something to do with their life and they're not even considering you.
Just keep that in mind as their affections ebb & flow.
Posted by: kalisah at July 20, 2004 04:47 AM (rU32B)
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Being late to the party, it seems that all that is left for me is to jump on the congratulatory bandwagon. I'm happy to hear both about Mr. Y's kids and the IVF waiting list!
Posted by: Gudy at July 20, 2004 02:43 PM (33YyB)
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*hugs* I know just how you feel, with those kids, trying to look like nothing is going on when inside you think you're about to burst with happiness! But even now, they still have the power to cut me down without even knowing they've done it.
can I be an i-auntie?
Posted by: melanie at July 21, 2004 10:14 PM (jDC3U)
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July 16, 2004
I Went to the Meeting and Brought My Attitude, Too
Yesterday I had to do the usual troop into London for an afternoon meeting (luckily, I am only averaging having to head into London about once a week now). The sky was dark and grey, the world looked overcast, the sky had been soaking with falling rain, but you know what? I'd had enough of it. I've had enough of the rain and the gloom and the darkness, of the fact that my flowerbed is roosting with moss and lichen and from time to time we see some of the plehtora of snails on one of the windowpanes.
I wore a lemon-sherbert yellow skirt, a perfect number with a tiny pleat down the front and a drop-waist bow across the hip.
A black cardigan with a black satin tank top underneath.
And seriously wobbly and perfect fuck-me-these-are-girl-shoes strappy heels.
And it made all the difference.
Clipping along on the bridge over the Thames from Waterloo, my iPod in hand and my high heels smartly smacking the pavement, I noticed it. Stares. A lot of them. Men checking me out, watching my legs as I swiveled up the pavement.
So I decided to see how many of them I could get to smile at me. I would look them right in the eyes as I approached, and I would smile. Half of them would smile back at me, but ironically the other half acted almost embarrassed at being caught checking out my goods, and looked away.
And you know...I started to sway my hips just a bit. Try to set one foot down in front of the other. I perfected the "looking up from under a curl" look. I got smiles and even a few waves from bus drivers, construction workers, nervous-looking businessmen. And I'm no beauty, I'm not stunning...I think it was simply down to the fact that I felt good, ergo I felt I looked good. And maybe self-confidence is the sexiest thing a chick can have (does anyone bottle the stuff? Really?)
But this was something for me. With Soft Cell's extended version "Tainted Love" thumping into my eardrums, I realized that although I hate the weather so much I could wipe out whole villages, although I am a bit depressed and not sure how to handle things...well, at least I still look great in some killer heels.
Tottering into the office in my fabulous shoes and girlie skirt, I felt the banshee kicking in, albeit a banshee with more edge, more spirit. This banshee, instead of just being angry, was sarcastic and not up for any shit. This banshee punched a hole right into me, taking out the dark and grey and filling me up with sass all the way down to my strappy shoes.
And it felt fantastic.
Sally, head of Project Mangement, came up to me.
"Helen," she asks, walking behind me in the way that I hate, where people are standing behind you and able to see everything on your computer screen.
"Oh hi, Sally." I reply, trying to muster a smile. "I didn't know you were here."
"I just got here." she replied, shaking her hair out.
"Ah. Usually I know you're here as you're preceeded by your flying monkeys."
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
And so it went. Sarcastic Cow banshee was out, and she was briliant.
Pat, another thorn in my side, sent me a stroppy email. I replied with blinding sarcasm but answered the questions that were put to me. Pete, a guy in our group who was cc:ed on the mail, came running up to me.
"That was brilliant!" he crowed. "What's on your mind?"
"Nothing, it's just every moment I spend having to deal with Pat is like having a Cesaerean section! I just want to tell him that I solved my action points, case closed, he can suck my rubber monkey butt."
Pete blinked, unused as he was to being around me when I take nouns and adjectives and twist them to my own evil devices, and then started laughing.
At the end of the day, I strode out of the building to a humid steambath. London had been drenched in a mid-afternoon downpour, and I stepped out onto the pavement, a soggy forgotten cigarette butt splitting beneath the toe of my strappy shoe. The air was thick with rain, and I felt it reach into my hair like a fistful and turn my hair into curls within minutes. I was glad the rain was finished, I needed the 20 minute walk to Waterloo, and I popped my iPod back in my ears again and clip-clopped my way to the station.
After arriving at my home station, I get off the train and see a familiar grinning face, my man decked out in a red striped shirt and grey shorts. I emerge out of the throng of departing passengers and head straight for him, and when I reach him he picks me up and twirls me around while I rain kisses on his face.
"Hi! Did you know I got lots of looks today? How does it feel to know that you have a cute girlfriend?" I ask, looking down onto his lovely mug.
"I already knew that one." he replies, and kissing me he puts me down and takes me home, to a house smelling of baked potatoes and lemonade, a house that would be wifi-working by the end of the evening, prompting a celebratory glass of wine and a good shag before bed.
The shoes are off now, my feet are up, and they aren't in any pain at all from being strapped into heels. And I tell you-I see the heels coming out again sometime in the very near future.
-H.
PS-Happy birthday to Tiffani and happy early birthday to Kat!
PPS-Wish me luck-Melissa is arriving tonight and Jeff is back with us tomorrow...after a barbecue with Mr. Y's family...
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1
thanks for the early b-day wishes darlin. i'm too excited for words about my trip. gotta leave in a half hour for the airport. i'll be in london briefly this evening and i'll be thinkin of you!
your outfit sounds kick-ass. i'm glad it inspired you to feel your power. you go, you sexy goddess you!
much luck with melissa this weekend. you'll do wonderfully, i'm sure of it. xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at July 16, 2004 10:27 AM (FhSIP)
2
Cheers, Helen. I hope you have a great weekend. Sounds like you're off to an excellent start.
By the way, I am thrilled to be able to replace Ms. Lauper from yesterday with Tainted Love.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 16, 2004 11:14 AM (X3Lfs)
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Beauty comes from the inside, no question about that. Inner security can be both attractive and scarey at the same time...especially in a woman
Posted by: croxie at July 16, 2004 12:03 PM (wuNjK)
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By the way, Helen, I was waiting for my train this morning, some time after I had written my earlier comment, and I found myself just sort of chuckling about your "rubber monkey butt" comment. Good one!
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 16, 2004 01:06 PM (LlPKh)
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You rock, little flame!
Posted by: Paul at July 16, 2004 01:53 PM (xdj7o)
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Thanks H for remembering my birthday. Ugh 34 years old today. I want to cry.
When look and feel good about yourself..it draws looks from men like a magnet. Confidence is key...
Posted by: Tiffani at July 16, 2004 02:05 PM (xpNFK)
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Yes, I know that cute feeling...it is indeed a mind-altering situation.
Posted by: Marie at July 16, 2004 02:51 PM (PQxWr)
8
What
is it about shoes? They really do make all the difference!
Posted by: Lily at July 16, 2004 03:09 PM (PuHU/)
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Wow, haven't checked in here for awhile.
Your blog looks grand, dear H, and it sounds like you were quite foxin' too.
Bravo. And the little flame nickname? A pretty thing indeed indeed.
xo
Posted by: Meg at July 16, 2004 03:19 PM (GB5/9)
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ahhh, yes. Now you see why I wear heels every day. They're truly magical.
Posted by: kalisah at July 16, 2004 03:48 PM (xT4wZ)
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And maybe self-confidence is the sexiest thing a chick can have
Abso-freakin-lutely. Guys too. Take two average looking women, one thinks she is too fat and the other knows she is voluptuous. The confident gal will score 3 or more points higher on the 1 to 10 scale.
But if it gets a bit too far past confident it will once again cost points on the scale. That guy who'd drop dead gorgeous but "thinks he's all that" loses out to the handsome guy with the personable smile.
Posted by: Jim at July 16, 2004 03:52 PM (IOwam)
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Hi Helen
Have read so many of your posts and said out loud 'Yes, thats what
I mean'.
But today you just capped it all ....... my all time favourite music, Soft Cell: Tainted Love (the extended mix).
Have a great weekend!
Posted by: Mia at July 16, 2004 05:27 PM (hHa99)
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It's women like you that have almost caused me to wreck my car, or step into traffic more times than I can count.
Thank you!!
I just LOVE the summer... ;-)
Posted by: Easy at July 16, 2004 06:49 PM (Vfn3E)
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Oh yes, confidence is definitely the sexiest thing. The more confident I am, the more $$$ I make. :-)
Posted by: ember at July 16, 2004 06:55 PM (kLa46)
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We were just talking about this in bed this morning! Dan says it's confidence, more than anything else. Confidence will make a man look twice, or three times. Or more! Shuffling along does not.
I never look at them looking, though; I pretend I don't notice. Brave you.
I love strappies. They *do* do the trick, don't they?
Posted by: Amber at July 17, 2004 01:47 AM (zQE5D)
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i just got three words: Go girl, go...
Posted by: Lucidly Awake at July 17, 2004 11:12 AM (q2YJt)
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I'm blogmazing around and came to you. This post made me laugh outloud. That is talent.. Loved it
Posted by: rachel at July 17, 2004 06:07 PM (cB9WF)
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who said you weren't stunning?!?!?!?!? are you crazy, girl???
Posted by: mitzi at July 18, 2004 04:00 AM (91V1E)
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nice blog... best whises from The Netherlands...
Posted by: Laura at July 18, 2004 08:56 PM (P/NI/)
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I think I'm in love with Sarcastic Cow banshee, and Helen - stunning doesn't even begin to describe you, darlin'.
Posted by: Sue at July 19, 2004 05:27 AM (AaBEz)
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Oh, darling. . .I wish I could bottle up those Confidence Days and sprinkle them around a bit when I feel blue and fat and ugly and. . .well, you know.
Strappy sandals do it for me; the same with pretty lingerie. When you feel good, you exuuuude something special. Some would say "sex," some would say "confidence." I say sexy confidence!
I'm sooo glad to see this post. My face and my heart are smiling for you, with you.
Go Helen, GO!
Posted by: Emma at July 19, 2004 07:00 AM (NOZuy)
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Fuck me shoes always get looks. And what kind of man wouldn't smile back...even if they don't admit it, all men harbour the "she smiled at me then we ducked down the alley and fucked like rabbits before waving goodbye and never seeing each other again" fantasy.
At least I think they do. Ummm....that's what a friend told me.
Posted by: Simon at July 19, 2004 08:01 AM (UKqGy)
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July 14, 2004
To Blog or Not To Blog
If you look around, a stunning amount of bloggers are running headfirst into a wall, typed out, stressed out, burnt out. I've noticed
most of the
bloggers ran their blogs from a year to
possibly many years in terms of length of blogging, and it seems people just felt that the demand of blogging was too much. I don't know if people just felt they were giving too much of themselves, not enough of themselves, if it took too much time, lost interest, or some other aspect.
Isn't it ironic that personal blogs are almost never in the top-listed most-visited blog lists? That people who put their life out to the world are beaten by people debating Republicans versus Democrats?
Ironic.
Can I be honest?
Blogging is sometimes not so easy.
Writing my blog is really easy for me. I just sit down and type, and all of the sincere mentalness and over-analysis of my life just comes right out. When something happens to me, I often think about writing about it-for me sometimes the complete fuckwittage that is my life makes just a bit more sense if I see it on the screen. Something comes out of my head, sometimes pre-thought of, sometimes not. Sometimes it's crap, and sometimes I make myself laugh. Sometimes I have a whole week of posts ready to go (I only post once a day, that's my shtick) and sometimes I have to sit and think for a minute.
But unfortunately, although my computer comes with a spell-checker, it does not have an incrimination checker, and that's a bit of software I'd like to get my hands on.
Whereas previously I would just write, consequences be damned, now I can't just disconnect my brain from my blog, I now need to read and re-read what I write, whittling it down to the least inflammatory that it can be. Whereas once my blog was a great big brain dump, now I have to be aware that what I write may hurt someone's feelings. Where once I would've written about the fact that something nasty was said to me a few weeks ago that still hurts, now I can't talk about it as the person in question would get attacked, he'd get angry, we'd get in a fight, and it'd all go downhill from there. And that's not even including the backlash I'd get from my family about some things.
To be honest, I understand this as it would be hard for me to know that I am being discussed in a one-sided fight just as it is hard for others. There is a person who is an important part of my life that reads this and is impacted by it, and so I have to plug my brain and my fingers back in together and make sure that one is not puppeted by the other, that what I say is what I mean. And I am not complaining about this. But I find to not blog about him is impossible-he is such an immense part of my life and my thoughts, so he (and my feelings for him) will tumble out onto the screen in a myriad of type and lust between the lines.
I have to make sure that the issues and things I discuss here are discussed at home, as well. And I agree with this-it would really hurt my feelings to know that Mr. Y and I had an issue between us that he hadn't discussed with me, but which he blogged about instead. I would want to be told about his thoughts, so I can relate.
The thing about blogging is, if a family member, spouse, significant other, or friend know about it, then automatically there goes the ability to just say what's on your mind with regards to your personal life. You have to think about it.
Dude, you threw up on Pete outside the bar while you were making out during your bachelorette party?
Sorry that you decided to break up with her? Really?
He HIT you? Are you serious?
You're gay? What?
And so on. But it all eclipses into one major response: And you felt you couldn't tell me?
My blog has caused a lot of problems in my life. I have no idea how many times Mr. Y and I have had to discuss it. My family is up in arms about it, and they remain the one area that I don't discuss on my blog, simply because I really don't think they need that kind of ammunition against my already heinous war crimes (apparently).
At the same time, Mr. Y knows why I started this blog (free therapy) and he knows why I continue (enjoyment ...and free therapy). He even found me through it. I take care to protect people in my life on my blog-the only person on this blog who has their real name is Kim, all others are covered with the pseudonym blanket. I'm not freaked out about someone following the clues I leave in my blog and tracking me down-I don't have that kind of appeal, I don't see why anyone would do it, and the world is so large I am pretty sure that no one around me reads it, anyway.
But I can see that maybe someday I may hang up the keyboard. Maybe I would be missed, maybe I wouldn't be-I am just one lone chick wrapped in a bundle of issues, hanging out on my little blogspace. Others have disappeared that I cared about a lot and will miss, others I just shrug and think: Oh well. What's for dinner? I won't disappear anytime in the near future-I love blogging and I love talking to people, comments, and thoughts-but I understand that blogging requires defining boundaries and having limits.
And that's something that I am crap at.
I have begun fleshing out my other writing.
Her name is Alice.
I hope so much for her future.
-H.
PS-To Odin Soli-what you are doing is now a mockery. You know what it's a mockery of? It's a mockery of all the people that used to read you. You may sit back from your desk, l;augh and say: That Layne. What a confused little fuck she is. Oh well, wonder what's for dinner. But for others of us, others that enjoyed Layne since she seemed so human and could relate to her problems, we are really the people you are mocking. I hope you enjoyed your little Creative Writing 101 class. Now, for the others of us that are real and are coping with our emotions and issues, please put the nail in the fucking coffin. Thank you.
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1
The incrimination checker would be a popular tool for lots of bloggers. As soon as you delve into the personal it opens a whole range of considerations which I sometimes feel can impinge on the original intention of the entry. I know there's issues I would love to write about but can't because of people who read my site. It's this kind of self-censorship that blogging tempts you into thinking isn't important. But in reality it is just like any other form of communication: you have to use discretion or else there are consequences.
Posted by: Simon at July 14, 2004 08:55 AM (FUPxT)
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I think that's the main problem I hit ... too many people read me who know me and every post that wasn't a quiz or simply inane (sp?) was dropped for fear of offending someone or incriminating myself.
Posted by: Rob at July 14, 2004 09:00 AM (BWDMP)
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My rule is simple:
I would never write about something that I wouldn't feel comfy telling a stranger face to face, or the people involved.
And good luck with Alice and the writing
Posted by: croxie at July 14, 2004 10:51 AM (amflT)
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Its interesting, but I tend to not read blogs/live journals of the people I know personally. Its not out of some respect for privacy, or fear of what I might read, It somehow seems to short circuit normal interpersonal communication. You read something on their page, and you are suddenly privy to their thoughts on a topic without having actually discussed it
I have made the point before that ideally this should be no different than a diary. A diary you choose to share with people you have, for the most part, not met. If someone doesn't like what is being said, don't read it. I see now that this is a simplified, and unworkable view. I must admit that if I read less than complimentary stuff on a friends site, it would bother me for all the reasons you mention. Its a toughy.
For purely selfish reasons I do hope you don't get tired of this for a long long time =)
Posted by: Dane at July 14, 2004 11:53 AM (ncyv4)
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For starters I´m an uninteresting blogger. Not even sure I can call myself one. Second thing is I blog anonymously, few people read and none knows me. I think. That’s the only way I imagine doing this, so I respect and understand what you said. One of the main attractions to your blog is one of things that can get you in trouble: not refraining and telling what’s on your mind. But your life IS more important, Mr Y surely sounds more important. In the end, if you decide to take a break I will definitely miss you and think, "she’s on her way to being happy". Good enough for me ;-)... Miguel.
Posted by: msd at July 14, 2004 12:01 PM (s7pDf)
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Hell yeah, you'd be missed!
And Rob - we're not giving up on you. I've mentally put you into 'temporary hiatus, unknown duration' status. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 14, 2004 12:19 PM (IOwam)
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It's funny you should say that, I just closed a previous blog of mine with a comment explaining why I started that blog (away from my original one) in the first place. There is a feeling of exposure when you're blogging for the world to read. But sometimes, it's nice to give people that care an avenue to know what's going on in that head/heart of yours.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 14, 2004 01:13 PM (tqQaS)
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It still surprises me that you've let your friends & family know about your blog. I've only told 2 people about my blog, and to this day I still don't know if any of them read it. Neither of them are members of my immediate family.
There are some people I've exchanged some email with, and some bloggers that I feel I've come to know & love. But I don't want them to intrude on my 'real' life. Things are complicated enough for me.
I've had a feeling that you were going to need a new outlet that no one else knew about, and that
Everyday Stranger would develop into the sunshine blog for all of your friends & family to see, or disappear altogether.
But I'll miss you.
Posted by: Easy at July 14, 2004 01:26 PM (MWrm5)
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TM reads my blog. It is true about it having an impact on what I write about ( I dont blog about personal conversations, her life or sitution or suprises or presents I may do) but the blog is a part of me and so is TM so it's natural to want the two to "meet" each other.
As far as burnout I have seen about 10% of the blogs I read drop. Its hard when blogging becomes more of a chore then a pleasure. Case in point "political blogs" that see to have its readers go after each other (and in some cases the author) to the point the author feels more like hall monitor then anything else.
Posted by: Drew at July 14, 2004 01:54 PM (CBlhQ)
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Easy-I didn't tell anyone about my blog other than Dear Mate and Best Friend-I got scooped along the way.
That said, I have tried not to censor myself on my blog, except for with regards to my family, since they jsut take info and beat you to death with it for the rest of your life.
They're real giving like that.
I have absolutely no intention of "splinter blogging", where I maintain another secret site. Too much effort, too much secrecy, and I can't imagine how angry people would be with me. This is my blog. This is the one I write on. Even if it gets me into trouble (which it does. Today even.)
From now, until the day I quit, which hopefully is a long ways away.
Posted by: Helen at July 14, 2004 02:01 PM (LlkAL)
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I've been blogging since 99. I hop domains like Jennifer Lopez hops husbands. Sassypants was actually the one I stayed at the longest, and I am keeping the domain (probably for a photoblog). It was more than just reader-demand that made me stop. I mean, truthfully, I didn't even know how many people read me until I put up the farewell post. (That whole experience was surreal.) But there were other factors. Several of them. So I hopped. Maybe I'll hop back one day. I don't know. Didn't J-Lo date Mark Anthony years and years ago and then go back and marry him? :-p
Posted by: Sarah at July 14, 2004 02:04 PM (Kpjuf)
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I blogged about you today.. well women bloggers in general.. er.. bloggers with boobies... yeah thats it..
Posted by: pylorns at July 14, 2004 02:06 PM (FTYER)
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I'd miss you. Very much.
I blog because I enjoy a good monologue. Both giving and receiving. As long as I still do that, I suspect I will still write. My wife knows about my blog and I debated long with myself before telling her. So, does it constrain some of what I write? Yes. So what. In the end, some limits/boundaries are healthy for me. I have them regardless since I am a lawyer and cannot go into great detail about my work.
If you feel like it, I think I speak for everyone in saying that I'd love to meet Alice one day. I'd be very polite.
Posted by: RP at July 14, 2004 03:22 PM (LlPKh)
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In the words of Dr. Evil... "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. I'd probably move on and get another clone but there'd be a good 10 minutes where I'd be inconsolable!".
We're grateful for whatever time we get to share with you. But when you feel it's time to move on then by all means do it. We'll be fine.
Posted by: Paul at July 14, 2004 03:30 PM (xdj7o)
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Helen, what would I do, first thing in the morning, without your blog to read? I'd have to get a whole new "first thing in the morning" blog, and who wants that headache? So, please, make sure it's a good long time before you even think of stopping. Loooonnnnnggggg time.
And you left off a very famous farewell recently, Rachel Lucas.
Good luck with Alice and the writing. You are going to satisfy our craving for all things Helen with some excerpts, right?
Posted by: Jiminy at July 14, 2004 03:45 PM (IZ/eX)
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I had a really hard time when I started blogging, because I didn't tell My Man. But then I just felt like I was keeping this big secret, and we generally don't keep secrets. I felt like I was lying to him, and I hated it. So I told him. He's been wonderful, and has not thrown anything I've written in my face. He knows I'm just venting. But I do find myself censoring myself a little so he doesn't get mad or see my feet-in-the-stirrups-at-the-gyno vulnerabilty.
Double edge sword, I guess.
Posted by: amy t. at July 14, 2004 03:52 PM (xKhv0)
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I would have to blog anonymously only, especially when I started ranting and raving about work, and the idiots there, although I do go to Iworkwithidiots.com quite a bit. And then there's the whole familia thing too. And like you some of them don't like me already, I can't imagine what they would do if they read what I really think about them or the hubby. Please don't stop. And if you do, start another anonymous one, and just give out the address via email to your loyal and faithful readers, and you know who we are.
So Rachel Lucas finally has hung it up for good? I wondered, she'd stopped for awhile, and then was back, and then was gone again. That's too bad, she was an excellent writer too.
Posted by: Donna at July 14, 2004 04:13 PM (/j6kE)
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i hear ya. there are very few people in my day-to-day life that know about my blog (just the bf actually and a couple bloggers i've met along the way). i had to change to an anonymous blog recently because it was getting a little too close to home. funny the balance of keeping an online vent space that the world can see while also trying to remain anonymous. i love the connections i've made blogging though and i don't want to give that up.
i understand what you're saying of course, but i'd miss you if you stopped writing.
glad to hear about alice. keep at it!
Posted by: kat at July 14, 2004 04:19 PM (QkuGS)
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Okay, you don't know me & this is the first time I've commented.
I started reading you about 2 months ago and I got sucked into your life! I had no choice but to read all your archives. Your blog is now the 1st thing I read in the morning at work.
I really hope you don't stop blogging any time soon! I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have on others, including me. You have inspired me on numerous occasions. I can't quite explain it, but sometimes after reading your entry, life seems more vibrant. I think maybe it's that you feel things so deeply, and sometimes on a completely different level than most people.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that this is one reader who cares.
Hope you have a wonderful day!
-C
Posted by: Christina at July 14, 2004 05:37 PM (axrWz)
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I hope you don't stop any time soon! I just came across your blog a few weeks ago. I just started a blog of my own a couple weeks ago. I am keeping it very private, only the friend that set it up knows about it. And it will stay that way for a long time! I am not a writer and never want to be. Its just there for me to rant and try and figure out the things that I am going threw. It does help to see them in print and read them over a couple times, or a week later.If I ever do go less private I will never tell anyone else that knows me. I know myself well enough to know that I would become the most sunny happy person all of a sudden. Your blog is actualy what kicked my butt into starting. Thanks H, and do please stick around a while. Your free therapy
Posted by: justme at July 14, 2004 06:08 PM (s6c4t)
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Most of my friends know about my blog, but not my family...oh god...never....but I don't talk about them much. I do see that most people will eventually "hang up their keyboards" and move on but hopefully not without inspiring new writers to take their place.
Hi Alice...
Posted by: Lily at July 14, 2004 06:30 PM (PuHU/)
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I think i started to read both you and Layne at the same time, so in my favorites they are one above the other. It was good reading, in the morning. Now, I just can't bring myself to click on his site. The site means nothing to me now. Creative writing? I'll read a book for that.
Posted by: Donna at July 14, 2004 07:47 PM (3+LTh)
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I think I enjoy others' blogs more than my own because I live a perfectly safe, uninteresting (to me) life, so I can live vicariously through others. I was shocked to learn once that someone I had never met was a regular reader of mine, because I blog just to get things out of my head, for the most part.
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 14, 2004 07:47 PM (djkkI)
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Helen, you can't go; I just found you a few weeks ago! :-)
I know, I know..you're not leaving. You know, I cannot count how many times I've told Dan I'm done blogging. DONE I TELLS YA! He laughs now when I make these dramatic announcements, but I've always mean it at the time.
This is my third blog. I had a family blog, that everyone could read; kids, sibs, friends, then dumped that for a much more fun anonymous blog where I explored a sexual kink experiment in our marriage and now my current blog. Which is a little of everything and anything. I'm still annoymous, but if kids/family/friends found it, it would be okay.
I've threatened to dump all of them at one point or another. Usually because sometimes after I blog, I can't bear the fact I just laid myself open in that way. Sometimes it feels like I'm flaying myself for the whole world to watch. It can be painful. But most of the time it is wonderful.
So I get over it, that momentary anger over my need to vent. Anger over my imagined risks. I am risking nothing, really. If people misunderstand what I meant on my blog, well...that's their problem.
Of course you get hurt sometimes by each other; who doesn't? You are lovers, you are living together. There will be tears, and joy, and closeness and cold fury. And sweet, sweet forgiveness.
This is what it means to be human and in love.
Write about your hurt feelings from three weeks ago if you like.
It's only the truth. :-)
Posted by: Amber at July 14, 2004 08:19 PM (zQE5D)
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To Odin Soli-what you are doing is now a mockery.
Oh, thank you for saying that. I just see the pictures of that girl, whoever she is, with marionette strings attached now. It's like a blog version of Weekend at Bernie's: You know she's dead, but somehow it's supposed to be funny that he's running around propping up the corpse. And then of course, to him she isn't dead, because what never lived can't die.
But she lived to me, therefore she's dead to me. "Put the nail in the fucking coffin" is right. Ecch.
Posted by: ilyka at July 14, 2004 09:23 PM (+7etY)
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I find it a bit amusing that anyone could have thought your blog would retain its no-holds-barred flavor once Mr Y found it (and you). Once the two of you proceeded to this New Chapter (living together), only the very naïve would expect that you could write with the same abandon as you had previously – when you were not being ‘reviewed’ by the key player(s) in your life.
Let’s be clear here. Blogs, by their very nature, are for the most part a verbal strip show. We blog because we love the attention. The limelight. It feeds the exhibitionist in us. We don’t have to be accountable. We’re essentially anonymous. We control the conversation. Nobody can interrupt us, control what we say, tell us to sit down and be quiet.
We readers of blogs are just as perverse – pandering to whatever degree of voyeurism lies buried in our Id, chomping at the reins we’ve tethered it with ever since our moms told us it wasn’t ‘nice’ to be ‘so nosey’. It is what it is. Let’s own up to it, ok? It’s just part of the ‘human condition’.
There are plenty of diary and journaling apps out there for folks who just want the catharsis that can occur as you collect your thoughts and write them down, a potentially powerful and therapeutic tool as we stumble through life’s ‘rough patches’. Talking with yourself. Listening to yourself. It is a Good Thing.
However, when we choose instead to publish the intimate details of our lives on the WWW , they cease to be ‘intimate’.
Some ground rules seem reasonable when we decide to dance naked. Like -- it’s one thing to expose myself – it’s quite another to expose another – especially my Significant Other -- who may not wish to be stripped so naked in front of total strangers. If we refuse to honor the privacy boundaries of our primary relationship, we’re likely to have to eventually bear very ugly consequences.
Any of us can understand how humiliating it would be to find out our Main Squeeze had held the rapt attention of his/her co-workers while they described at the office, in vivid detail, the intimate details of our shared life. Standing in a supermarket line, sitting in the embarking area of an airport, riding the local transit . . ? You get the idea.
Regardless of who reads this blog, Helen, the only one that counts is Mr Y. You know that. When it was a room where we were all anonymous strangers, you could pretty much say anything that passed through your head , heart or nether regions. Once Mr Y entered that room, however, the environment there was forever changed. He has a right to expect you and us to honor his need for privacy, even if you don’t share that need. Plus, he’s going to feel blindsided and offended if he learns of your innermost angst about your relationship with him at the same time as this crowd of strangers.
When you moved to this New Chapter of your life, Everyday Stranger moved with you. Expectations and limits got (reasonably) imposed. Relationships are hard enough to manage without opening the door on sensitive issues to the opinions of the paparazzi.
We can and will adapt.
Posted by: Annie X at July 14, 2004 10:33 PM (PkJiK)
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You are one of the most talented writers I encountered when blogging. That you have begun fleshing out "other writing" is good news. You have the potential to do something significant with your talent, without a doubt. Publish something worthy to the larger world.
Posted by: Denny at July 14, 2004 10:38 PM (lBuk/)
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I enjoy Layne as much now as I did before; I certainly respect your opinion, Helen, but I was happy to see her back, Odin or no Odin. I didn't think she was real before - too much plot, entries too long - but never lost sleep over it one way or another.
Layne is as real now as she ever was, and if anything I like knowing for certain exactly what and who she is. Not that it matters. We're working with words on a screen. As they say in phenomenology, the concept is valid no matter where it originates. She's an amazing character, and aren't we all?
Posted by: Linus at July 15, 2004 12:14 AM (Bf+TD)
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As someone else said, it is brave of you to open your life up to all and sundry. I can't even remember how I found your blog in the first place, and I always seem to be out of sync as I'm on the other side of the world, but I come here every day to check in and see that you're doing okay. And I would miss seeing life through your very perceptive eyes
Posted by: Stephen at July 15, 2004 04:44 AM (w/U8f)
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my hubby knows about my blog(s) but doesn't read them. I know about his, and do read the interesting posts. not the political ones
I'd be really sad if you disappeared. And I'd be heartbroken if you turned out to be a work of fiction!
I feel like he murdered my friend. He took something from me, I don't care if he never asked for money, or wish list things, or whatever, he took my friendship, and my love, and twisted it and wrung it out.
That isn't Layne, now. That's some guy pretending to be her. She was real to so many people, and he killed her. Even if he invented her in the first place. Fiction or not, it's cruel to form relationships with people, to correspond with them, when you're not who you say you are.
I'll shut up now.
Posted by: melanie at July 15, 2004 11:14 AM (jDC3U)
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With roughly 45-60 minutes of "me" time per day right now, the blog's just going to have to whither on the vine for a small while. A girl's gotta palpate folks in the 98.6 degree scheme of things, you know. Hey. Who the hell bearnapped Luuk? I wanted to get him a black henna tattoo down in Mexico.
Posted by: Anna at July 15, 2004 11:18 AM (4MTh/)
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Incrimination checker you say? Sign me up!
Anyway finally got around to adding you to my blogroll.
Guy-from somewhere very hot in S.W. China
Posted by: Guy at July 17, 2004 08:20 AM (rzVi5)
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Do us a favor. If you do decide to hang it up someday down the road... do it gracefully. Don't just disappear like some people do... leaving their last post as a date marker like a gravestone. Give your readers a heads-up. And if/when the day comes... say it's here.
The first blog I ever read (and consequently fell in love with) broke my little blogging heart. I've since found better reads, but the pain of just leaving without saying goodbye doesn't dissipate with time.
(Geez, this sounds depressing, but I swear I'm not that into other people's lives, but this topic is a sore one.)
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 23, 2004 06:27 PM (kmBPo)
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July 13, 2004
The One
Mr. Y and I have had a bumpy, wild ride.
First we had each other many years ago, and then we didn't.
When you take a look at the "when we had each other", it all boils down to amazing coincidences, a ladder of things that happened in so precise a way that if they didn't happen, I might not be on this computer in our guest room overlooking Whitney Houston with a bouncy 7 year-old boy downstairs. My lovely Mr. Y might not be clad only in his robe with bed-hair and leaving me coffee kisses on my forehead. I might still be in Sweden, or dead, or any other amazing assortment of possibilities.
When I first met him we were sitting around a large conference table, him looking the epitome of business confidence and generally raising a fuss about any and every item that suited him. I zeroed in on him right away, and noted him not only as a native English speaker, but also as someone that I found very attractive. He was strong, assertive, thoughtful. Ironically, he also remembered me from that meeting-as being someone who was quiet, drank orange soda, and had a funny duck-shaped key ring.
We were friends for a long while, and all of it turned around in one night. In one night, a steamy sort of mystery-novel night in Bangkok, our whole worlds changed, and we both agree that Bangkok was the catalyst, and without it we would likely have never hooked up. In Bangkok at a massive Company X conference we talked. I decided to have a hot bath and go to bed, but he texted me and demanded my attendace at the blow-out bash. I agreed, and in my hotel room realized I only had a tiny pair of panties and a sundress left that were clean, and so flounced downstairs in those.
And when a group of us went bar-hopping later in a cheesy dodgy Thai girl strip bar area, where banks of tourists were, bouncing in business suits, hemp clothes, backpacks and open-mouthed wonder, it all came to a magnificent head in one single movement that-more than anything else in my history-I can confess changed my life.
Mr. Y took my hand as we got out of a taxi and crossed the busy street.
Electric, baby.
I felt the current throb through me so fast that I knew I would just die if he let go of my hand. It was the stuff that those bodice-ripping pirate romance novels are made out of. This one touch made me gasp and catch my breath and feel all fluttery inside.
Flash forward to now, years later. It's with irony that I can say that where I am today all begins with one moment, a moment that includes a text message and my hand being held. There is a lot more that had to come as well-Mr. Y and I developed a method of honesty between us that we call "glasnost", in which we try to never lie or conceal from each other. We learnt how to talk to each other. We learnt how to rely on each other, and for me, that was one of the harder ones.
I think that there isn't a "one" person for us all, more like a handful of people to whom we are ideally suited. I do think that people can be meant to be, in that the person that they really and truly are can only really be revealed when they are with this other person, that the other person is a catalyst of popping the cork out of the fake dating game bottle and letting out the real you, the one that wants to watch tv and eat pizza together.
Ask Mr. Y if we were meant to be, and he replies: "I don't believe in that crap."
Sentimental, my boy.
But now I look at the life I have, and the incredible difference to how I have always worked.
I sleep naked, and under one duvet (I am told that I hog the covers, however I am sure my delicate and dainty nature would preclude any such selfish subconscious actions).
I discuss money.
I don't get angry.
I open up the hinges inside of me and try to scrape out parts of me that will help with his children.
Sometimes it is all so terrifyingly hard-I am new to children and the sensitive territory that surrounds all child-like life, it's with fragile footsteps and worry that I approach them-will I accidentally say or do something that fucks them up the way I got all screwed up? I long for another cat, but that gets the kaibosh from Mr. Y. And dealing with our exes is far from easy on both our sides.
But falling into the study of our little house, the bed, and his heart?
Yeah...that's been easy.
-H.
PS-broadband is working, so late afternoon will see some high-speed surfing and emails!
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1
I always thought we were "meant to be" everytime I've fallen in love...and it always fallen flat to the ground. Except from this time. Maybe it takes time and a bit of experience to actually be able to inspire another person to glow and to be something that you cannot force, I dunno. But for me it took a long time to get there.
As for children....just be yourself and let things happen. Let them lead the way and you'll be just fine
You will feel more secure around that bouncy 7-year old with time.
Posted by: croxie at July 13, 2004 10:54 AM (d2AbX)
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Are you sure that bolt wasn't beacuse it was so humid in Bangkok? MAybe this whole thing is based on static electricity?
Mr Y is right - I don't believe in that crap. But clearly you two are happy with each other and made for each other. How it happened is far less important than that it happened.
And it's just so typical that the woman hogs the duvet. That's obviously a biological thing.
Posted by: Simon at July 13, 2004 11:45 AM (UKqGy)
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A duvet is the same as a comforter, right? There's a secret to the proper male use of these things. Roll the edge around and under your hip so gravity will thwart her when she tries to expose you to the frigid nightime air.
Took me 4 years to figure that one out.
Posted by: Jim at July 13, 2004 12:35 PM (IOwam)
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I've had too many weird experiences not to believe that sometimes the Universe is sending me a message. I don't believe in Fate, but the Verse sure seems to send things my way. My job is to recognize them when they arrive.
Posted by: Easy at July 13, 2004 01:16 PM (cIlkr)
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I don't believe there is only
one either, but I do believe certain things are meant to be - it's just up to us to actually make them happen. I envy your "glasnost" honesty and openness - I wish I could learn to find it with MK without succumbing to the fear that comes with it.
Posted by: karmajenn at July 13, 2004 01:44 PM (fx1A8)
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I'm not actually sure what I believe. I do know that when I found my other half, I was surprised to feel what I did. Something no one really warned me I'd feel. I felt a sense of freedom. Sounds similar to how you seem to feel with Mr. Y. A freedom to completely be yourself.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 13, 2004 01:51 PM (tqQaS)
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There's an old adage: a woman marries a man thinking she can change him, and a man marries a woman hoping she won't change. A friend of mine was talking about his newlywed wife, and all he kept saying was, "They change." (he was drunk).
So even if you think you find "the one", odds are they'll either change or not change in an undesirable way, and then you'll be wondering if "the one" is still out there. I think there are many "ones"; you just choose one and make the best of it.
Posted by: Solomon at July 13, 2004 02:27 PM (k1sTy)
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Although I don't believe in there being only one other person I could happily spend my life with I do think there's more than mere chance at work in who we meet.
I came a hair's breath (watch it!) away from not meeting the girl I'm seeing now. It's amazing how quickly your life can change in a moment's notice.
Did it ever occur to you that you wouldn't need to hog the covers if you'd simply PUT SOME CLOTHES ON?! Ahem.
Posted by: Paul at July 13, 2004 02:38 PM (xdj7o)
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when am I getting the bear?
Posted by: pylorns at July 13, 2004 02:41 PM (FTYER)
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You throw in these happy ones, Helen, and it makes my day. It's good to see you happy.
PS. I hope you don't mind that I've adopted generally the nickname you gave me.
Posted by: Jiminy at July 13, 2004 03:07 PM (os58V)
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It's good to see you accepting happiness. Not questioning, not zapping out the essence of happiness by worrying that it will suddenly disappear. You seem to finally be letting yourself enjoy what life has decided you deserve. Joy.
Posted by: amy t. at July 13, 2004 04:03 PM (xKhv0)
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Life seems to be agreeing with you Helen.
Posted by: Marie at July 13, 2004 05:25 PM (PQxWr)
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Ah...I see England is rubbing off on you. You have switched from, "learned" to "learnt".
As for the rest of it, it's amazing what one tiny gesture can do for a person.
Posted by: Serenity at July 13, 2004 10:41 PM (3g7Ch)
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Yeah for broadband. I was starting to thing some of us were not going to see you anymore.
Posted by: drew at July 13, 2004 11:06 PM (sW2xV)
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It's nice to see you happy, Helen!
As far as the duvet goes, I've never understood the appeal of having just the one for more than one person. My experience is that one for each is just about the optimum...
Posted by: Gudy at July 14, 2004 01:04 PM (PxaRc)
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July 12, 2004
You're Among the Little People Now!
Jeff arrived early Saturday morning, a little blond boy amongst a crowded Heathrow airport. A text from Mr. Y's ex indicated that Jeff had been extremely agitated and upset, not wanting to go. Immediately, my heart squeezed in agony thinking that it was because of me, but Mr. Y waved his hand, patted my arm, and told me that Jeff was just likely nervous about flying on his own (but with constant supervision on the airline, as he is one of those with a name tag and a constant plastic smiling escort).
And it appears to be true-Jeff was just nervous. He came out of the baggage claim and customs with a dark blue wheelie bag embroidered with aliens and a nervous smile. Mr. Y's face lit up one thousand watts when he saw his son, and it broke my heart just a little bit-that he can't have his son around him all the time. That I don't know what it feels like to have my soul light up at the sight of my child. That Mr. Y has to miss them so much and there is nothing I can do to help.
Once I greeted Jeff, armed with a chidren's oozie juicy drink made with one part blackcurrent juice and twenty parts gelatin, he had a grin for me.
And we have gotten on extraordinarily well since.
Jeff, who is recently 7, is a riot. He's a little handful of 7 year old whirring about and one hundred miles per hour. He's a tiny skinny thing with the apetite of a rugby team, and we have spent masses of time discussing the merits of the Millenium Falcom versus the ship that Darth Vader (whom he calls the Dark Raider) has. That, and we have endlessly discussed the possibility of The Mummy visiting him at night-weirdly, Jeff is very keen to meet the movie monster as, in his words, he has "alot to learn from him".
I tried to scare Jeff when he was being naughty, only it backfired terrifically and now has become an elaborate plan. When he was acting up, I told him I was going to ship him to Germany (not because I am anti-German, but because the plane he was on to Heathrow then was scheduled to go to Germany). Strangely, if you try to scare him, it doesn't work-tell him a monster is coming tonight, and he will reply "Oh. That's very interesting.", which sends me into giggles every time. Somehow, our Germany idea has become a fantastic plan, and now the idea is I will fold him up into a little paper clip, arm him with a day-old newspaper, a half-bottle of warm orange juice, and one single Lego, and ship him to Germany in a box. He loves this plan.
I think he's hilarious.
Saturday night something unusual happened-he wet the bed. He never does this, so Mr. Y was nervous. Did it mean he was unhappy? Had a lot on his mind? Upset? Or just so deeply asleep he couldn't hear his body telling him it had a weighty issue? Jeff was horrified and upset it happened, but Mr. Y and I acted like it was no problem, that we just love washing enormous bulky futon covers and that it was absolutely part of a normal day, and we held our breath last night-but this morning, in a race to get out of bed and in front of Cartoon Network on the plasma, we saw that he was just fine. He likely was just sleeping too deeply.
And I love this, as it means he is not stressed or upset. And all I want is for the kids to love visiting their father, to love being here.
Yesterday we went to Brooklands, a museum of old racing cars and airplanes (including a final resting place for one of the Concords). Jeff and I amused the hell out of ourselves sitting on old BAC 1-11's and pretending to call the attendant for some juice and buiscuits. Today we are off to Portsmouth, to view old warships and try to dodge the heavy pregnant raindrops that tumble out of the sky. Jeff leaves tomorrow for 4 days (before he is back again) to visit his grandparents. He's exhausting, but I love the kid. We sit on the couch, him holding my hand, my foot, or flat out laying on top of me, and watch TV. I get requested to tuck him in.
Again, I know this isn't parenthood. What I am exposed to is the easy part. I know I am not remotely his parent, never will be, and honestly don't want to be. I know being a parent is one million things more, and a lot more difficult, but you can sign me up for a Honey Nut Cheerio smelling hug anyday.
-H.
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1
You might not be his parent, but you can be his friend, which is something most children need.
Grown up friends fill a function that parents rarely do, so in a way that is a responsibility just as it is to be a parent.
I'm glad that things went so good
Posted by: croxie at July 12, 2004 09:42 AM (4jYyh)
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So, it's the easy part, so what? It's also some of the best part and should do just what you are doing, that is, enjoying the hell out of the creamy bits.
I think you're right, by the way, about it being very difficult for Mr. Y. I personally cannot imagine not having my children around, except, of course, for selected weekends here and there.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 12, 2004 11:12 AM (X3Lfs)
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Ditto to what Croxie said. Being his friend is the important part. Letting the relationship develop naturally--which is what you seem to be doing--is the way to go.
I now enjoy a terrific relationship with my step-father. Once I was able to get past feeling disloyal to my Dad, I was able to accept him. I now have 2 Dads, and I couldn't be happier about it.
This did take 25 years, so patience is a key here...
Posted by: Easy at July 12, 2004 01:25 PM (RnYBi)
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I'm so happy things are going so well.
You overlooked one hypothesis for the bed-wetting incident. He was just so excited to be hanging out with you.
That would be my excuse, little flame.
Posted by: Paul at July 12, 2004 03:06 PM (xdj7o)
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I would wet the bed infrequently whenever I traveled when I was little. Stress, a new place, deep sleep, I don't know why. My parents didn't divorce, so that wasn't it. I'd be mortified in the morning too. Glad you and Mr. Y didn't make Jeff feel bad about it.
Really cut into my social life as a kid, since sleepovers were out of the question. No WAY would I risk it happening at a friend's house.
I outgrew it eventually.
Posted by: Amber at July 12, 2004 05:29 PM (zQE5D)
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It may be hard for Mr. Y not to see his children everyday but he made a choice and this was the trade off. He seems happy with it so no reason to fret over it.
Glad it went well.
Posted by: Drew at July 12, 2004 05:42 PM (CBlhQ)
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I talked to Therapist about the whole step-mom thing. He likened it to being a camp counselor. You're responsible for their well-being, but you're not a parent. I LOVE being one so far - but like you, am sure that there are lots of challenges ahead, not least of them adolescence!
Posted by: Kaetchen at July 12, 2004 06:09 PM (1nMRx)
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awww, i'm in love! i adore the bit about having a lot to learn from monsters. that's too cute for words.
have fun darlin. i'm glad things are going so well. xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at July 12, 2004 06:29 PM (QkuGS)
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Kids that age are pretty easy to please. At least my son is. Always have gum....you'll be there best friend.
I personally love the Cinnamon flavored kisses.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 12, 2004 07:43 PM (xpNFK)
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You're having fun with him and he's having fun with you. Most important, Mr.Y's having fun with the both of you.
Sounds wonderful, Helen. :-)
Posted by: Jim at July 12, 2004 07:57 PM (IOwam)
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Jeff, most likely, went to bed without going to the bathroom first. Boys of that age have to be reminded to brush their teeth and go pee before bed otherwise they don't do it. After spending a very busy day with you and his father and the stress of travel he probably did sleep too deeply. Usually making sure they go pee before being "tucked in" solves this problem.
I have read you faithfully for awhile now, I rarely comment on blogs but I am a mother of 3 boys and they have had many sleep overs - sometimes sodas, excitement and no reminders have resulted in accidents. I just thought I would share what I have learned over the years.
Posted by: Deb at July 13, 2004 03:27 AM (V/cDC)
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Deb, I think you might be right-thinking back on it, we were so busy brushing teeth and him taking his meds that I am not 100% sure he didn't get pressed to do the willy drip before bed.
I am happy to announce the rest of his visit was problem free
Posted by: Helen at July 13, 2004 10:28 AM (LlkAL)
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July 09, 2004
Upgrading Helen
My blood results came back normal, which then leads me to have to question why I am so seriously tired, so cold, and dealing with the intermittent bleeding.
Things seem to have been changing in me and with me, and I don't really know what that means. Is it good? Is it right? Is this the real me or yet another variant of Helen? Is this the upgrade I have been looking for, the Helen 2.1.A version, the one with the corrective patches?
Since Life 6 has begun, I have radically changed. With the exception of an occasional banshee visit, I am not so angry anymore. At all. Little things don't irritate me and I am no longer more impatient than the Porn King at a Playboy bunny party. I really am calm, low-key (and God it feels so good to not be so angry all the time). I don't have so many complaints, simply because...well...I have been so happy here in this new life. I have this gorgeous house in a lovely country, a good job with a great company, and above all a man that I can't seem to keep my hands off of.
But sometimes I need to be angry. I no longer find it easy to state what I want, what I need. After an event gone wrong, it seems I've reached down my throat and ripped my voice box out. I have taken my voice was taken away from me-I no longer have opinions. It's whatever anyone else wants, I am the second (or third, or fourth or not even on the list) in this equation. I am so busy running around trying to make sure that others are happy that I don't even know what I want. This, of course, was noticed by Mr. Y and I was encouraged to bring back my desires and wants.
I just don't know where they've gone.
I can't find my internal list anywhere.
Not even my emotional reminder post-it notes.
I seem to limit my wants to the little things....I want a glass of Sprite. I want some pizza. I want to hang the laundry out to dry. The big wants, which I know must be in there, hanging out, waiting to get attention...I just can't hear them. I get nigglings of ideas of things that want out...I want another cat. I want to be in the sun so badly it makes me cry. I want to write. I want to stop feeling so squirmy when it comes to understanding the implications of everything going on.
But then they go away again and I am not sure if I really felt them or if I stubbed my toe on some other idea.
The truth is, maybe it is simply not possible for me to have a normal life and be happy. Maybe it's out of my reach, it is not meant for me. I don't get to do the football and ballet carpool, my holidays will always be on somebody else's turf. Perhaps I am one of the fucked-up few that get a life of drama and wandering, a queasy unadaptable sort that can handle a trashcan full of tampons but not the element of security that I have been chasing after all this time.
Sitting on the bed with Mr. Y this morning, we both voice what we've been wondering in the tiniest back of our minds.
Maybe I am tired...because I am depressed. And have been since our weekend in Cornwall. And I don't know why.
For the first time in my life, perhaps the depression has switched from psychotic insomnia to being unable to stay awake, as though 29 years of insomnia have hit me at one thousand miles per hour, straight into the heart, and finally it's taking its toll. It's not a depression of the magnitude that last winter was, where I was unable to bathe, leave the house, eat food, or do anything but sit on the chair, covered in blankets, lost in the deep black suffocating snow of Stockholm.
I'm just a bit blue.
But maybe I know a way out of it.
I had an idea about something-a story that is partly based on something I know about, and partly based on how I could've seen it happening. Dream Job workload is very calm right now, ad I have spent a lot of time in my head thinking about my story, so maybe today I start writing. And the thing is...now I can hear it. I can hear it unfolding, in fits and bursts, in dialog and description. It's becoming real, or I am getting crazier, but it pops into my mind from time to time, whispering of what it needs to become.
Maybe nothing comes of it.
But it's a start.
Tonight Best Friend is arriving to spend the night with us-I see curry and many pints in our future. And tomorrow, Mr. Y's son Jeff is arriving. Jeff (age 7) will be with us for 4 days before going on to stay with Mr. Y's family for 4 days. Melissa arrives next Saturday, and we then have them both for a while. I am not nervous about Jeff-maybe because he is younger and less sensitive to the twittering antennae of the adults, and because he and I get on well. But I can't say that I will stay un-nervous about the continuing times.
Maybe that comes in the next upgrade to the Helen software package, version 2.2. I understand that package will let me re-set the defaults, which is a good move, since I think they're ready to be changed.
-H.
PS-Feel a bit nomadic? There's a new web ring that I can recommend for just that -No Roots. Not just for expats, I think it's for anyone that ever felt their skin wasn't the place they wanted to be in.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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I think you'll be a superb author and I can't wait to see the results. Although you should know I don't buy hardbacks. Maybe you can let us see some of the work in progress?
Posted by: Simon at July 09, 2004 11:20 AM (FUPxT)
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Nothing wrong with your blood, well that's good
Since you're not angry all the time anymore it might just be you who are relaxing in a way you're not use to. It's one thing to relax physically, but something completely different emotionally and psychologically.
Maybe you should give it some time, let things calm down, write that novel and let the new Helen settle down a bit.
Besides, contentment is important no matter where you live or with whom. No one can make you happy unless you allow it to happen.
Posted by: croxie at July 09, 2004 11:53 AM (hRWsE)
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Curator, it is fucking vomiting rain again. The garage even flooded last night. We've taken to wearing sweaters (ahem-
jumpers over here) and sweatpants it's so chilly. You got a deal, baby-let's trade.
This bad weather is whipping me.
Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 12:08 PM (+q4Bh)
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Helen, have you looked into the possibility that you have seasonal affective disorder? SAD? Check it out and maybe think about getting a sun lamp, and have it on you like maybe at work, or while you are on the pc. Might make you feel better, and if nothing else, can't hurt. Did you find out why you are bleeding though?
Posted by: Donna at July 09, 2004 12:18 PM (ic53p)
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Have you ever tried light therapy?
I know it's very common in Sweden in the winter time since ppl get easily depressed during the dark period of the year.
Might be worth to give it a try. I'm sure you can find some place in London that will provide that kinda service.
And I agree about rainy grey weather, it's a killer for the mood.
Posted by: croxie at July 09, 2004 12:19 PM (hRWsE)
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I think I may agree about the sunlight issue-I think that's why I am craving the sun so badly, I just haven't seen it in a year.
Donna-no idea about the bleeding. It's likely related to the IBS happiness, I think. The only other way of finding out what is up (no pun intended) with that is to have a swing by into the scoping area again, and suffice to say, that doesn't interest me at all!
Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 12:23 PM (+q4Bh)
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A short trip to Atlanta would be the perfect treatment for the sun hungries. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 09, 2004 12:35 PM (IOwam)
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Helen-
Love the new looks. I prefer the London Streets skin, but that's justbecause the other skins put the text too far to the right for me to read. (That's a software problem for me -- my browser sucks)
Don't worry about your lack of a 'normal' life. No one has it. Just do your best to enjoy your life.
~Easy
PS- I do buy hardbacks. I just don't loan them out ;-)
Posted by: Easy at July 09, 2004 01:21 PM (r7BAl)
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now, that's just wonderful about that story waiting to burst out of you. let it out! :-)
the light therapy others have mentioned is a possibility. perhaps get a sun lamp to sit under while you are writing your story? and it would also help to be in therapy i suspect if you haven't started that already.
hang in there darlin. i guess there's always something that needs workin on, things that need fiddling with, stuff to adjust. you're doing beautifully.
xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at July 09, 2004 01:46 PM (FhSIP)
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Life is all about changes. Not really does stay the same very long. You may be married for 50 years but the marriage itself goes through changes.
Posted by: Drew at July 09, 2004 01:49 PM (CBlhQ)
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Best of luck with the story. Hopefully the inspiration to write isn't the only one you find!
Be well, little flame. And remember to put yourself first once in a while.
Posted by: Paul at July 09, 2004 03:41 PM (xdj7o)
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Write dammit!
And I agree with Curator...as cliche as it sounds, what is normal? We just do the best we can with what we've got...
Posted by: Lily at July 09, 2004 04:06 PM (PuHU/)
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Others have already said what I was thinking, but I can't resist the urge to add my two cents. I agree wholeheartedly with the light therapy idea. I've heard that my part of the world is very similar to London weather-wise during parts of the year, so I can surely relate to the sun cravings.
As far as the depression theory goes, I also think it's sound. I believe there are phases of depression as there are phases of grieving (which doesn't only apply to deaths, incidentally. Can apply to lost jobs, lost relationships, etc.). The anger phase is normal for a time, as is the acceptance phase, and the watch-and-wait phase (where it seems you might be), and the self-assurance phase (where you will be!), and hopefully, someday, the phase where you allow yourself to enjoy all those things you had but didn't see because you didn't think you could possibly be worthy of them. Or is that me? I get confused sometimes, when I read what you write, because you evoke strong emotions that feel scarily familiar to me. The different phases of your life have been more extreme than many people, but in theory I think (hope?) everyone experiences some semblance of the same phenomenon. Being human, that is our job.
I've rambled enough. I'm going to go dig up the thing I just reminded myself of and post it on my own blog. I think it got lost when my old archives were suddenly taken offline last month, so it's time for a re-posting anyway. Have a great day, may you receive your software soon to find your new version is less buggy than you found the last!
Posted by: Lisa at July 09, 2004 05:13 PM (uxfbz)
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Thinking out lot a bit.
I'm not an endorser of the view that the top goal of life is enjoyment. Creativity for creative people such as Helen and commenters trumps enjoyment. Creativity and enjoyment may track each other on a chart but not perfectly. Don't know why but greater depression is unkindly connected to creative people. Seems unfair. So if you seek light therapy, be sure and wear a tee shirt that says something to the effect "Creative person inside" so they know you are just going thru what is normal for people like you.
Posted by: Roger at July 09, 2004 06:04 PM (8S2fE)
Posted by: Roger at July 09, 2004 06:05 PM (8S2fE)
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Hooray for normal blood results! The cold and tired may indeed be from feeling depressed. I went from insomnia to sleeping and freezing all the time. Physically I was ok, but mentally not in a great place. I considered I might never feel good. But then realized it is a process, albeit slow and frustrating. From reading your words out here, it seems you have the strength and powers of self-awareness to bring yourself through it to happiness. Please forgive if that seems too forward an opinion.
Posted by: karmajenn at July 09, 2004 07:23 PM (fx1A8)
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It seems to me that once you have achieved so many of the things you have been aiming for for so long it is inevitable that you feel lost and unsettled now. What are you aiming for next? I think you just need a huge new goal in your life, maybe writing that story is it? Be good to yourself Helen and, yes, please write
Posted by: nisi at July 09, 2004 11:30 PM (GB5/9)
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When you start to hear the story there really is only one choice, isn't there? Babe, you need to write it down.
Posted by: Sue at July 10, 2004 06:55 AM (AaBEz)
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Maybe not everyone can be happy,and to think that you can be is what is making you want more than you have. Or perhaps I'm full of it. Could be a little of both. But just glancing at what you have, you seem to have a lot of good going on. There's some bad, to be sure, but that comes to all of us. Wishing you well, either way.
Posted by: Dr_Funk at July 11, 2004 07:43 AM (eRLol)
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July 08, 2004
Reforming the Heathens
When I was at university in the U.S., I was not your typical student. I worked my way through, I took masses of classes in order to finish on time, and I studied courses which I found interesting. I mean, far be it from me to take classes that could actually prove useful as an adult-I didn't elect accounting or architecture, which could have proven useful in a serious field of work. Oh no. I took anthropology. Epidemiology. Evolution. French. And Russian.
In fact, I took intensive Russian, which was 4 hours of Russian every morning for 2 years. I used to be very good and, I was told, mimicked a native accent perfectly. Years on, and I know about as much Russian as a neighboring bowl of Borscht. How fortunate for me-I can say, with complete and native ease, "I studied Russian at university." Of course, that's all I can remember (although I can still read the Cyrillic alphabet), so hopefully no one ever challenges me on that one, they will simply stroke their chin, nod wisely and say: "Ah...I see."
I was with the same group of students the entire time, a little potluck of students all taking Russian for their own reasons. Mine? I wanted to impress a guy (it worked). There was an Englishman in there who simply wanted to learn more languages. A young perky American chick who had married a Russian man and wanted to be able to talk to her mother-in-law.
And then there were The Others. The Others, a group of 4, were only taking Russian for one reason-they wanted to go to Russia and convert the heathen masses to Christianity. The Others were three men and one woman. They were not easy to talk to (especially with me as an anthropology major) and believe it or not, one of them said "Amen" a lot. He also said "Fudge!" when he got something wrong in class.
And I thought that only happened in stories from the 1950's.
The Others would go over to Russia during the summer and spring breaks, funded on a fantastic budget by their local Southern Baptist churches, in order to spread the word. They felt they had to save the masses, you see. They wanted to convert the unwashed. And they would go over to Russia with cases and cases of Bibles, all of which were in English.
I'm not sure if you've been to Russia lately, but the English there, well it's generally not so good. And the Bible, with its intricate language, is difficult for even the natives to read sometimes (yes, I have read it.) So a Bible in English probably got lots of use by the natives-holding up a wonky table leg, for example. For use as a paperweight.
The thing is, the Russians already have religion-they've been Orthodox up until they had it beaten out of them by Communism. Then the country experienced a surge in closet Orthodoxy, and now church is, apparently, back on the uprise again. So who the fuck are we to barge into their country, convince the Russians that they have a one way ticket to hell and throw Bibles in English at them? Why embark on a rescue mission for people that didn't need "saving" in the first place? Instead of funding an army of Christian soldiers to convert the damned-to-hell Russians, why not send the money to the famine victims in the Sudan? To helping the flood victims in Bangladesh? For aid for earthquake-ridden areas like Turkey?
I take massive umbrage at my people when they go barging into countries demanding that they accept their help, since my people only want to save them. Some places don't need saving. Some areas are just fine. There are masses of others that could use help-why not help them out?
It's happening again. The U.K. has just been besieged by a group of Americans from the Silver Ring Thing. Now, the Silver Ring Thing is an organization from the U.S. that is designed to help kids fight the evil that is sex. They are a religious organization, one with about 20,000 members and a strong backing from the government-abstinence organizations in the U.S. received over $120m from Uncle George, and the Silver Ring Thing got a $700,000 chunk of it.
I don't have a problem with an organization that has yet another method of how to help kids fight teenage pregnancy and STD. That's OK. Sex is a deeply involved issue, one that stays with you for life. As a teenager, I would've chosen to ignore them anyway, since their message is overwhelmingly one of guilt and the filth associated with sex.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18.
I did marry the guy.
And what a fucking mistake that was.
I have a problem with the fact that the American organization felt it so necessary to come spread the word of their charter here. Like the English are so out of control with their wild monkey teenage sex that they need preaching from another advanced society. The truth? The teenage pregnancy rate in the U.K. is the highest in Europe, but it is wildly below the U.S. And in Europe, the horrific connotations and negative implications that are associated with teen pregnancy in the U.S. are absent. No, it's not ideal. But it is accepted and handled.
I get so angry when various groups of American organizations descend upon Europe in order to try to "save" people (and said rescuees are often rolling their eyes). Do they really need saving? Who elected the American organization as a saviour? Isn't the world a lot more interesting if we have differences, instead of trying to force the same moral code on everyone? Why can't we accept that cultures and nations are different, and if we hate the way the English are having pre-marital sex, the way the Russians are worshipping, or the way the Italians shine their shoes, isn't the best option to simply not go there?
I was raised Catholic-I have your guilt here if you need it. I know what the church preaches about pre-marital sex and marriage and birth control. And I also have had sex, outside of marriage (just last night in fact). I think that sex between two people who really love each other is a thousand times better, a million times more rewarding, than picking someone up in a bar for a quickie (although that, of course, serves a physical need as well). I like to think that, because I have had a few partners, it has helped me learn what is pleasurable and enjoyable in bed. And I like that my guy has had partners before me, too-I don't feel he is, as the Silver Ring Thing would have me believe, "cheating on me" since he has had others before me. I like to think it has helped make him a better lover and has helped him appreciate me in bed more (especially that thing I do with my tongue. I hope he really loves that one).
By all means-have an organization to help teens prevent teen pregnancy and STD. I am all for that. But do something about your success rate-statistics show that abstinence campaigns do delay the outset of sex by 18 months, but that when they do have sex, one-third don't use protection. Maybe they should work on trying to save themselves, more.
But don't send troops over here. For those of us Americans that are over here, we have to explain to the natives why our people feel they need saving, why they are apparently lacking in something that only Americans can arm them with. And we're talking about the English here-a group not exactly known for their swing-your-pants lifestyle.
As for the Silver Ring Thing organization-well, hope you have fun in England. But there are some aspects that you may not be actually being honest with yourself about. I leave you with a quote from a newspaper article:
Under the Silver Ring thing's world view, condoms are ineffective and untrustworthy, oral sex is an epidemic out of control, and masturbation and homosexuality simply do not exist.
Right.
If that's the case, then I am absolutely infected with the oral sex epidemic (and I don't want to be cured of that one, either), and I am now going to retire to my bedroom to prove to myself that masturbation does, indeed, exist.
-H.
PS-a third skin has been added, my sincere thanks to my good friend for the incredible job that's been done.
PPS-Ilyka needs some help.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
09:33 AM
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1
Yawp, I agree to 100%.
To come here and trying to save ppl from sex is kinda silly....there are other places where ppl have a much more open minded view on the matter than around here.
And as you say...they don't have to do it on this side of the Atlantic at all. Maybe they are better needed in the US...
In the opposite to you I was not 18 when I lost my virginity and it's not legal to marry children in Sweden :p ...so I didn't get married until much later.
I did get married out of love though....and divorced to keep some of the sanity alive. Won't happen again.
Hope you're feeling better today
(We've got your storm and rain today I believe. Want it back?
)
Posted by: croxie at July 08, 2004 10:23 AM (sr8uU)
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I am feeling better Croxie-thanks!
And isn't that storm fantastic?!
Posted by: Helen at July 08, 2004 10:27 AM (QNyEV)
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H:
You can't finish posts like that. Here I am about to leave work for the day, and now I have to sit at the desk for another 10 minutes thinking of anything
but you going off to masturbate.
DAMN IT! Another 15 minutes now.
Gee I'm glad there's no cure for that oral sex epidemic, though.
As for the whole university thing, you'd be surprised how many people with "useless" degress end up being the most sort after by employers.
Posted by: Simon at July 08, 2004 10:44 AM (OyeEA)
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yes you have to love the right wing religious fundies.
I used to get REALLY mad at them, and completely take teh piss out of them as much as I could to embarass the hell out of them. I reveled in truning their comments and logic right back on them. really what they need to be promoting are rectal cranial displacement proceedures.
I try now to just find tehm funny, and not expalin myself constantly. I am here for a reason and it sure as hell isnt to preach!
As for the new skin, can I say I am jealous. I am still fighting to figure out MT so I can get my own blog (which I have had space for 3 months now) off blogger and on to its own server.
I am so non techie sometimes, especially when I dont have time to learn the software. UGH!
Posted by: stinkerbell at July 08, 2004 11:04 AM (IHvBP)
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This storm reminds me of fall in Sweden...heck, the blinds here are moving around and I'm wondering if we actually have windows or not today. It's French windows, huge ones, with more glass than anything else and right now it would be nice with some warm July weather :p
Meesa is missing Cali.
Posted by: croxie at July 08, 2004 11:33 AM (R7rEM)
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Helen, I absolutely love you for this post. This world is so full of hypocrisy and double standards. Sad to say, America is becoming a huge part of it. I have stayed in US for some time and I loved the place because it allowed me to be me, to be free and to live life by my own standards and be brave to face the consequences. But when I read of such things, it totally puts me off and i wonder in which direction the country is progressing. If these evangelists are really concerned about the evils of sex, how about putting your own house in order first? Give me a break and get some perspective, okay?
On different note, can I add a link to this post in my blog? Its really good n pertinent!
Posted by: Jhanvi at July 08, 2004 12:07 PM (IvYGv)
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Jhanvi-link away...
Simon-done. I have proven one part of their mandate wrong, anyway. Wonder if I should go and prove it again...hmmm...
Posted by: Helen at July 08, 2004 12:26 PM (N3n+E)
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I've got a problem with proselytizers period. There's really few things that annoy me more than somebody preaching at me.
Posted by: Jim at July 08, 2004 12:30 PM (IOwam)
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You're right, it is a shame that people think, in their self-righteous glory, that they are helping others by going on and on about religion and sex and all that. You're also right, it seems that there are quite a few that come from the U.S. But living here, I do see changes. They may be slow but they are happening. The youth of this country IS evolving. Now, you see people questioning God and religion on a regular basis rather than not at all as it was maybe 15 or 20 years ago. It's not an ideal world or country, but it is getting better. Some how, some way, the youth in this country do seem to be taught that you do need to think for yourself. Not all, and not by everyone. But alot more now than ever before.
P.S. Some people think the meaning of america as christian goodness at it's best. Others understand the real history...freedom.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 08, 2004 01:03 PM (tqQaS)
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Helen (or anyone) guess who this quote comes from:
"You cross land and sea to make one convert, and when you get one, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves!"
A book you might like is titled "Father Joe". It would possibly surprise you.
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 01:35 PM (Q7agU)
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I tend to view organisations like the Silver Ring Thing as a misguided attempt to redress the karmic balance.
Back in the seventeenth century, many of the more extreme and wacked Christians from Europe emigrated to the US and now, almost 400 years later, they're coming back to haunt us.
Recently, I came across this insight into the
myths surrounding premarital sex (it wasn't until the eighteenth century that it became frowned upon in polite Christian society), which for me put a lot of their pseudo-Victorian bleating into perspective (I can't remember who posted the link originally, but it was on a blog a link away from this one. Probably).
Since when did oral sex become the big evil anyway? It's far safer in terms of pregnancy and disease transmission so if anything we should be encouraging hormonally charged adolescents to do it. Sex-ed classes at school would certainly have been a lot more interesting.
Posted by: Gareth at July 08, 2004 02:01 PM (NHA9E)
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If you saw your buddy heading towards an Orange tree but knew there was a mine field between him and it, would you warn him? What would you think of someone who didn't warn a friend.? If you knew someone had the cure for AIDS but kept it to themselves, what would you think of him? You'd think he was worse than Hitler.
But to a Christian, there's something immeasurably worse than mine fields and AIDS...hell. To keep the cure to ourselves would be more evil than Hitler. Plus, the people who actually go to other countries and spend a great deal of time, energy, and money aren't being hypocritical; they're being true to what they believe.
Christians aren't perfect (won't be until they're in heaven), but to insinuate that we have to get everything right here before we can try to help elsewhere is nonsense. I'm not trying to start a religious discussion (although if anyone wants to e-mail me, I'd love to talk), I'm just trying to show why the "religious right" acts as we do. It truly is out of love.
Posted by: Solomon at July 08, 2004 02:11 PM (t5Pi1)
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Roger: Jesus said it of the Pharisees.
Posted by: Solomon at July 08, 2004 02:17 PM (t5Pi1)
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My personal theory on this whole thing? It's just like Nancy Regan's "Just Say No" campaign. I'm pretty much the poster child for how that shit did NOT work. I just said no, till I threw caution to the wind and realised that old bag lied to me. I did not wake up in a back alley with a dirty smack needle stuck in my arm the next morning. Gateway, schmateway. Bite me, Nance. And pass the bong while you're at it.
I'm pretty sure a goodly portion of these silver ring wearers will have kids before they're married. Many of them will have at least one preggo scare. A lot of them will get the burning, itchy feeling when they pee. And probably 80% of the women will never, ever experience an orgasm.
Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 08, 2004 02:59 PM (Kpjuf)
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Solomon: You got who the quoter was but you did not get his audience correct.
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 03:03 PM (8S2fE)
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It drives me crazy when people want to "give me their message", to "save me". So they know a secret to something they think I should know. And my response? Keep it to yourself. I don't walk around telling people things I think they should know-
Dude, try deodorant. Really, it'll help. Or
Anyone currently not having an orgasm in their relationship should get out of it, as trust me-we all can have them. Or even tidbits like:
Cheesy buiscuits are addictive.
I just don't tell peopel these things, since I figure it needs to be each to his own. Maybe people don't want orgasms, cheesy buiscuits or deodorant. And maybe I have my own ideas about what happens when I die, and I don't want saving.
It drives me mad when people try to come in and "protect" me. Like Ms. Pants said-it tends to backfire anyway.
Solomon-you know I like you much, anyway.
Posted by: Helen at July 08, 2004 03:08 PM (P6NUk)
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You know if those kids were educated instead of preached at, then there probably wouldn't be such a huge epidemic to begin with.
If kids ask questions, they want to know. Don't lie to them.
Posted by: Kandy at July 08, 2004 03:12 PM (fnOQ7)
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Helen, I do believe you should articulate the deodorant thing when necessary:-)
Also to save me the time of looking it up, what is masturbation;-)
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 03:45 PM (8S2fE)
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"Save yourself" always works best
Posted by: croxie at July 08, 2004 04:07 PM (R7rEM)
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I didn't name his audience, I named whom he was speaking about. But they were probably his audience as well. The 1st part of that verse says,
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel..." And at the beginning of that discourse it said, "Then Jesus said
to the crowds and to his disciples:" Since the Pharisees were often in the crowds it's probable he was speaking directly to them. Regardless, this passage wouldn't negate Matt 28:19-20 anyway.
I'm actually not a big fan of "short mission trips". To be truly effective, I think it's best if one lives in the country they're ministering to and lets others see his/her good life. Many will see a difference and inquire. THEN he could share what he believes.
Helen, you know I like you too. In fact I love reading your blog and many of the regulars' comments (some of you guys are smart and funny). I truly enjoy "hanging out" with all of you.
Posted by: Solomon at July 08, 2004 04:13 PM (t5Pi1)
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Whenever U.S. orgs like this come around, I always remember that this country was
founded by Puritans. It makes me crazy that we're so accepting of violence and so vehemently STUPID about sex. Sigh.
Posted by: Kaetchen at July 08, 2004 04:22 PM (1nMRx)
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Hi Kaetchen,
Thank God for
Thomas Jefferson who stopped them from starting a "Taliban-esque" cult nation. Tom was excellent and a power house of knowledge on common, ecclesiastic and English law and Scripture. Without guys like him with his understanding the America experiment would not have been attempted.
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 04:54 PM (8S2fE)
23
I do thank God for guys like Jefferson. I don't think any religion (including my own) should be forced on anyone.
(Changing topics) What's with this notion that kids can't control themselves? I didn't hear of Herpes until my Junior year in High School or AIDS until my Junior year in College, and yet I was a virgin when I got married in my mid twenties (so was the Super model Mrs. Solomon). And I didn't become a Christian until I was 23.
If I could remain a virgin when there were almost no STDs that couldn't be cured with a shot, why can't kids today when there are so many more potential risks? It's not like I didn't have the desire, I just didn't give in to it. Why can't kids do that today?
Posted by: Solomon at July 08, 2004 06:27 PM (t5Pi1)
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Wow, what a topic. I am normally a silent lurker here, but this is so good I could not resist a comment. First of all, please do not judge America or Americans by nut-jobs over there that happen to be sent by nut-jobs over here. As a yank, I am sure you know that already. There are plenty of crazy people from both the conservative viewpoint as well as the liberal viewpoint that always feel the need to preach their views. They all want to convert everybody to their “religion” no matter how misguided it is. If you have not already, go to Hyde Park on Sundays and listen to and enjoy the crazy people trying to convince the world how fucked up everything is. In fact, even when you watch the news, at least here in America, you cannot get away from the constant stories of how we should be living. In any given week there seems to be people telling me that I should eat less carbs and more fat and meat, then, later I should eat all the carbs I want but no meat. Sex should only be between a man and a woman who are married but then later it should be between any two people who love each other. Maybe love does not even need to be in the equation. Then there are the stories of how all the chemicals are killing us, then later how all these great chemicals are making our lives so wonderful. Fortunately, you and I and many of your readers are lucky enough to live in countries and societies where people are free to preach their views no matter how misguided and evil their intentions. We are then free to take in their views and make our own choices on how to live. Unfortunately, these “preachers” usually prey on the young, as they are more vulnerable to be misguided. So, I guess our job as reasonable people is to “preach” the value of independent free thought. You do a great job.
PS. As a side note, I lived in Newbury for 4 years in the late 80Â’s and may have attended the same boarding school in London for children of American mlitary as your cousin Nancy during that same time. Small world.
Posted by: PJ at July 08, 2004 11:58 PM (avr9E)
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PJ-I applaud you. You nailed it with your "no carbs" then "carb me out" analogy. Well done. And you likely did attend the same school as Nancy-as I understand it, there's only one of them in the UK
Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 09:07 AM (0os5y)
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I agree with most of what's been said here: Proselytizing is *evil*, and believing that yours is the one true religion while all other options are wrong strikes me as so fundamentally arrogant and stupid that words just fail me.
Consequently, my wish for people like the Silver Ring Thing is to shut up and leave me alone at the minimum, and to stop having sex *at all* as an additional action that would probably make this a better world about 80 years hence.
And about Russian: what is it about this language that makes it so eminently forgettable? I have eight years of Russian under my belt, and I don't think I could utter things more complex than "My name is Gudy".
Posted by: Gudy at July 09, 2004 12:39 PM (+AMPj)
Posted by: angel at July 12, 2004 10:46 AM (VDG65)
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Ah, so oral sex is an epidemic out of control is it? I would counter that Religion is an epidemic out of control - a 'virus of the mind' as Richard Dawkins called it ... but that is not the point here, it is the fact that these people are given a big fat cheque and political support to go out and ram their views down our throats. It's bad enough that the pope supports the fact that condoms actually assist the spread of AIDS and it seems that this has been taken up by these moral fundamentalists.
Well guess what, it's not going to work for the simple reason that their target group is not about to be influenced by these idiots - hell, they won't even listen to their parents and you know at least that they have HAD sex (even though many young people do not like to think about the fact that their parents have had - or maybe even are still having - wild monkey sex).
What needs to be done is proper education, designed by people who are qualified to inform on these matters - sex workers, doctors and other health professionals. These are the people who should be given fat cheques by the government for helping young people understand sex and enjoy it responsibly (OK, distribution of funds to sex workers is a time honoured part of government, the money usually being distributed in brown envelopes containing low denomination, non-sequential bills).
Religion has it's place, but like smoking pot, that place is in the privacy of your own home or in specially designated places. (and if I had my way, like bleach, kept well out of the reach of small children)
As for me I'm off to bring hope to some of the 2.4 billion women who might never have an orgasm otherwise
Posted by: Best Friend at July 12, 2004 12:53 PM (tdh2z)
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Best Friend - America is one of the most educated nations in the world on eating healthy, and yet you can't spit without hitting a fat person here (I've tried). We're not overweight, because we're ignorant, we're overweight because we can't say "no" to a Big Mac.
The same is true of kids and sex. It's not that they don't know condoms help prevent babies & STDs or that abstinence is the best preventative, it's just that they won't say "no" to themselves. There's an old saying, "Don't throw good money after bad." The gov't has spent billions on sex education, and yet teen pregnancy & STDs in America is at an all time high. So I don't think we should continue to fund the "experts".
Children must have responsibility modeled for them day after day, and that's what we've forgotten. We want to educate but not model responsibility. This is true of eating, drinking alcohol, sex, and any other behavior that can become destructive.
Until we model saying "no" to ourselves and teach our children to say "no" to themselves, all the sex education in the world will be wasted.
Posted by: Solomon at July 13, 2004 02:01 PM (k1sTy)
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Solomon: Unfortunately I cannot talk for the state of things in the US as I have no reliable first hand knowledge (and I have known H long enough to avoid generalisation in that subject
) and thus my remarks were related to the UK and to some extent Sweden.
[on the subject of eating a big mac once in a while, that's probably OK if people indeed did enough exercise to burn up the calories that they take in. You could have the most healthy diet (is 'healthy diet' and oxymoron?) in the world, but without exercise you would still put on weight. The food can't be held totally to blame when the only exercise people can be bothered to do is moving their jaw while they chew! This is certainly not a defense of franchise chain burgers as research now shows that some of the chemicals their products contain effectively make the product addictive whilst simultaneously being mood modifying.]
Personally I think that smoking is a better example of something that is demonstratably harmful but trying to get even ordinarily sensible and well educated people to kick the habit does not have the success rate that you would expect. You could cause the same effect by randomly lacing cigarettes with cyanide whilst they were being manufactured to instantly induce the same proportion of deaths as happens over time from cancer only without the burden on the health services.
My point (and yes I do have one) is this: The thing that smoking and fast food and sex is that you experience pleasure from the immediate experience that far outweighs the thoughts of long term consequences. This effect is enhanced in young people as they tend to perceive themselves as invincible - that the consequences will happen to someone else. I stongly suspect that if my cigarette experiment was put into effect smoking would drop to almost zero overnight. Would you try a cigarette 'just to see what it was like' if there was a chance that you could drop dead on the spot? I think not!
At the end of the day you hit the nail on the head when you say it is down to personal responsibility. But where do kids (and we were all kids once) learn responsibility? From the actions of the people they see around them! From their teachers, from politicians, from pop stars, sports stars and movie stars, from the church and from their parents. What are they supposed to think if you have:
Politics: a president who pre-emptively instigates regime change on false pretenses and a prime minister poodle who follows him blindly (because he 'believes' and 'has faith' - but has no evidence [for the existance of WMD] - that it's warranted).
The Church: when you have the leader of one of the three main monotheistic religions insisting that the use condoms is a sin. This is unquestioningly accepted because he is considered 'infallible' even though the full weight of evidence points in the other direction. Isn't this an incitement to neglect personal responsibility?
Celebrities: when the 'beautiful people' and 'designer label' culture is pushed at the expense of substance. I read a report in a paper that the average age of girls suffering from anorexia in the UK is now 8 and that it has been identified in children as young as 5. Boys in their early teens are now regularly taking anabolic steroids in order to get the 'six-pack' look and destroying their brains in the process.
Schools: Where teachers are not allowed to touch a child in order to either chastise or comfort for fear of harrassment suits being filed against them. I have a teacher friend who has had desks and chairs thrown at her and cannot respond with more than a demand that the child leaves the room (she is not allowed to enforce it though). Where kids no longer take part in team sports because it's seen as bad if some of the poor darlings lose!!
Parents: With divorce now running at about 50% and all the other above pressures to contend with they (for better or worse) are the front line in tackling communications on sex, drugs, smoking, bullying, label demand etc., etc.
Maybe the funds should be spent on educating parents how to discuss these issues - that is where the 'experts' come in I suppose. [There's a line in 'Parenthood' when Keanu Reeves character points out that you need a license to drive a car or [even] own a dog but not to be a parent. It's about the only thing that sticks in my mind about the film.]
I am a parent and I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and I love her dearly. She is a little sponge, mopping up all of the influences that she is exposed to with no discrimination over what she takes in. If she does indeed have a soul then I find myself fearing for it.
Posted by: Best Friend at July 14, 2004 02:14 PM (k78uM)
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Best Friend - I didn't know you had a daughter; daughters are cool. Poisonous cigarettes?...I like it
Poisonous Big Macs? Hey, wait a minute
Eddie Murphy did a routine in the mid '80s where he said, (paraphrased) "After AIDS, what's next? You put your penis in and explode?" I wonder if even that would curb some people's appetite.
I agree wholeheartedly with your analysis about the state of the "community". No source seems to be a good moral anchor for our children. That's why I say parents have to step up and lead and why schools shouldn't try to fill that role. But parents want to defer to the schools (because it's easier), and the schools are happy to oblige (because they can push their agenda).
The problem for me is that my moral compass says homosexuality, premarital sex, and worshiping other gods are wrong, so that's what I teach my children; but these are the very topics schools seek to influence children to tolerate, accept, and believe. Schools shouldn't do that. Schools should teach English, Math, Science, History, and Economics not social engineering.
I also agree with your analysis about smoking, drinking, sex, and Big Macs all having instant gratification but potentially long term consequences. I praise my daughters every time they don't finish their dessert when they're full. Not because I get to finish it or because it keeps them thin (although both are a plus), but because they're foregoing the instant gratification of stuffing their face for a long term benefit of not getting an upset stomach and being healthy.
To reiterate my point from yesterday, and one I think you agree with, I'm doing my absolute best to teach my daughters to say "no" to themselves when appropriate. That way they learn to sacrifice some short term pleasures (not all) for a better long term. Now I just have to find two dads who are doing the same with their sons, so my daughters can marry wise men
I enjoy discussing with you and see (in part) why Helen calls you "Best Friend".
Posted by: Solomon at July 14, 2004 09:45 PM (k1sTy)
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July 07, 2004
Bambi Got My Mojo
Nothing from me today.
Bad cold.
Bad weather.
Bad day at the office.
Tired (and get severe side effects from iron pills, so though I agree I am anemic, I can't do much about fixing it).
No results from the doctor yet.
Uninspired.
Mojo hopefully back online tomorrow. Until then, if anyone needs me I will be in bed.
-H.
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1
Oh my God, please tell me I did not just make history by transferring a cold over the internet. Poor thing. Rest up.
Posted by: ilyka at July 07, 2004 03:52 PM (TH5Vc)
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I hope you feel better. Get as many cups of tea and backrubs as you can....
Posted by: karmajenn at July 07, 2004 04:34 PM (fx1A8)
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Best wishes for a seedy recovery!
Posted by: angel at July 07, 2004 04:40 PM (VDG65)
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Actually I was thinking a sPeedy recovery, but a seedy one might be even better!
Posted by: angel at July 07, 2004 04:41 PM (VDG65)
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Feel better, Helen. Lots of rest, lots to drink (of the orange juice variety, please).
Posted by: Jiminy at July 07, 2004 04:50 PM (56t8C)
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Take care, dear one. I love your new look by the way.
Posted by: amelia at July 07, 2004 05:41 PM (hYnWv)
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((hugs and love)) to you darlin.
and ilkya, does that mean i should wear a mask if i visit your website? ;-)
Posted by: kat at July 07, 2004 06:05 PM (qEQy+)
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Take care of yourself and be back soon *hugs*
Posted by: croxie at July 07, 2004 06:10 PM (NJ4Jl)
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I hope you feel better soon. Chicken soup always works wonders.
I'm glad to see you agreed with me about the picture change. Looks mighty sharp!
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 07, 2004 06:25 PM (LlPKh)
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Sappy girly movies, chicken soup, backrubs, long hot baths with lovely smelling bubbles, a glass of wine and you'll be good to go. Take care lady.... :-)
Posted by: KJB at July 07, 2004 06:53 PM (pya+6)
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Hope you feel better sweetie.
Posted by: Tiffani at July 07, 2004 07:14 PM (xpNFK)
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I hope you feel better soon. Being sick is no fun.
Posted by: Lisa at July 07, 2004 07:14 PM (uxfbz)
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...which is exactly where I should be today.
::sniffle, sniffle::
Get well soon!!
Posted by: Rebecca at July 07, 2004 07:47 PM (ZHfdF)
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When in doubt, a shot of decent scotch with a teaspoon of honey will usually do the trick.
Posted by: Jim at July 07, 2004 07:53 PM (IOwam)
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What happened to your previous blog decor? I thought it was great! Anemic? Read Plain Jane's blog entry for 7/7/04... http://www.plain-jane.com/index.jsp ... scroll down to What I'm Mad About Today.
Posted by: Annette at July 07, 2004 09:57 PM (RmykY)
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does that mean i should wear a mask if i visit your website?
Uh . . . it's HAZMAT certified, right?
Posted by: ilyka at July 08, 2004 12:38 AM (ptMoP)
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Cook in an iron skillet, you'll actually get some from the skillet. Eat foods high in iron, spinach and stuff.
Hope you feel better soon, summer colds suck.
Posted by: Donna at July 08, 2004 02:39 AM (b7klg)
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Curator's got a point actually...
If you're anaemic and can't eat iron pills, drink pints of Guinness instead. It's chock-full of the stuff.
Posted by: Gareth at July 08, 2004 01:39 PM (NHA9E)
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July 06, 2004
Caged Love
Monday we spent quietly recovering from the barbecue and cleaning up. Mr. Y, although really hung over, was in good spirits. He decided to work from home and spent the day checking work mails from the comfort of the couch. I bounced around from checking mails, tidying up, and wondering about the meaning of life (which I haven't successfully concluded, I am sorry to say).
Mid-afternoon, my phone let me know I had missed a call-I had forgotten I had put it on mute so that it wouldn't disturb Mr. Y's throbbing head. I checked my voice mail, and I did indeed have a voice mail there, awaiting my absent-minded attention.
It was X Partner Unit.
I called him back.
"I need your keys to the house." he said, business-like.
"Oh yes! Sorry. I will send them to you now." I had been meaning to do this, but it meant digging them out of a box and I was being a lazy cow.
"Fine. Send them to me at Company X, not the house. I am moving next week."
I felt my head give a little chime inside.
"You are? You've sold the house?" I ask, a strong and vivid memory of the solid sweetness of my little white sugar cube house in Stockholm.
"I've sold it. I am moving into my new flat next week."
"Oh." I say, wondering what emotion I was feeling. "How much did you get for it?" I wasn't sure if he was going to tell me to mind my own business, since I had signed my half of the house over to him.
"Almost what we paid, but not quite."
The housing market had collapsed just months after we bought the house, a sign of recession and depression, a knock-back on the redundancies from Company X and a wheezing aching economy that saw more and more people off work from depression and stress. I never have any luck with real estate.
"Look, I need you to take the cats." he said. "What can you do about it?"
I felt my chest squeeze and compress thinking about my two girls, my black and white darlings that I miss on a daily basis.
"I can investigate what it means to put them in quarantine." I replied, and promised to call him back.
Some phone calls around the area and I talk to a woman who runs a quarantine kennel. She sounds like Maxine the chronic smoker, all choppy cockney consonants and a lifetime of gin and tonics running down the line, choking me with her lemon slice. She tells me what the costs are, to start with, and they are astronomical, running to about £600 pounds a month ($1100) until the end of November, and then she gagged out that it almost always runs over time. And their cages (cages! For fucks sake!) aren't heated, that would cost extra in the winter-it turns out their cages (!) are outside.
My girls have never been outside.
I can't imagine the terror they would be put through.
I call X Partner Unit back, feeling the hair on my head falling out over the horror of what is to come.
"Can we discuss this?" I ask, trying to keep my voice even. "They will have to be in a cage for 5 months, and it's outside."
I hear silence on his end, and then the sweet sound of acquiescence. "No, that's no good, I agree." he breathes, and I wonder what will happen next.
"Please- can they just stay with you until the end of November? I swear I want them, I swear I am taking them. Please?" I ask.
"I will take care of them. But you should know they are a huge burden and responsibility."
"I can send you money."
"I meant emotionally."
"Please. I am so sorry, I will take them first chance they can fly which is November 28th."
"Fine. I am just trying to get on with my life, my new life." He says, a bit sniffy, and I wonder if you can just pull the drain on love and watch it swirl out of the sink, into the gutter, into the rest of the garbage. A part of me hoped he would stay in that house, I saw it as a little oasis of security and calm for him, but I see I had it wrong.
Our neighbor Joe walks by in the evening, and Mr. Y beckons me to the door. Joe is carrying a little airport kennel, and inside are two perfect calico kittens, all enormous eyes and cotton candy fluff, tiny pencil erasers for paws and whiskers like soft knitting needles.
I fall apart.
Joe lets me hold one, and then I come inside for a back rub, only it's too late, I am all tears. I cry to Mr. Y, wanting to tell him simply how much I miss my girls and how worried I am that X Partner Unit will give them away, put them to sleep, resent them. I want to tell him this but it comes out wrong and I make a mess of it the way I always seem to make a mess of things, and we were a tiny bit stilted for a short while after that.
Maybe now Mr. Y won't point out cute kittens that he sees (I hope he does).
Maybe now X Partner Unit won't tell me what his plans are for my girls (I hope he does).
Maybe now I should just calm down about my girls and wait the remaining 5 months out (I surely will try).
Maybe tomorrow the doctor will call and tell me why I am so tired and cold all the time, why I went from a lifetime of insomnia to feeling completely wiped out all the time.
I wish I had answers, but the truth is, perhaps I should be wishing I knew what the questions were.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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Post contains 999 words, total size 5 kb.
1
*hug* hang in there, H.
Posted by: melanie at July 06, 2004 10:24 AM (jDC3U)
2
i would say trust X partner unit to be taking good care of your girls, calm down, relax and wait. after all - you and your girls were very important to him once.
not worrying any minute before there's an actual reason to worry has always worked out for me. i'm sure you'll be fine! *hug* from germany.
Posted by: kim at July 06, 2004 10:43 AM (lYGtS)
3
£600 a month??!!
What kinda cats do u have? Tigers? Geez, girl...no cats are THAT expensive. And outdoors in cages...hmmm...sounds like money was more important than the animal in themself. It's good that X partner unit will take care of them...somehow I have a feeling they will be better off with him than what they would be in that kennel.
And I can relate to bumping into other cats and feel how my heart falls down in my chest. It's tearing me apart when I see the neighbors cat, but at the same time I'm glad he's around
And he's a beauty. I will get a kitten (or two) as soon as we moved outta here though
Posted by: croxie at July 06, 2004 11:05 AM (4Gd5v)
4
I still think you should re-check with the authorities as someone again told me the restrictions have been lifted. If you re-apply you might be able to get them now.
Posted by: Simon at July 06, 2004 11:43 AM (FUPxT)
5
Is Mrs Gin'n'Tonic really running the only quarantine kennel around? I feel that there simply *must* be alternatives to the current situation...
Hugs.
Posted by: Gudy at July 06, 2004 01:22 PM (W7qa6)
6
That's *exactly* why, when I got orders to Germany, we found good homes for our two dogs. I loved them too much to put them through the quaranteen nightmare.
Hang in there kiddo.
Posted by: Ted at July 06, 2004 01:48 PM (blNMI)
7
"quaran
teen"? Jeez, it's too early on this virtual monday for spelling...
Posted by: Ted at July 06, 2004 01:50 PM (blNMI)
8
I think it's more than safe to trust X-PU with the girls. Wanting not to have them is not the same as wanting to get rid of them. He won't do anything that would put them in a bad situation.
I wonder though...how much does a power boat rental cost? Operation Dunkirk part 2 anybody? >;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 06, 2004 01:55 PM (IOwam)
9
You know, the last I heard, they had changed it to a two month quartanteen. My fiancee is in the military and we had considered getting stationed there. Maybe it depends on what country you're moving from?
Anyway, I'm so sorry about you having to live without your girls. I went away for 4 days and I was hugging everyone else's kitties (if they let me).
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 06, 2004 01:58 PM (tqQaS)
10
I'm up for operation Dunkirk part two myself, there has to be another way. Check again and again to see if the restrictions have be lifted, you may get differerent people who know different things.
Honey, you are tired and cold because you are anemic because you are bleeding off and on. Take some iron and B-12 supplements.
Posted by: Donna at July 06, 2004 02:35 PM (sYBPy)
11
H,
Sorry to hear the cats are still in limbo and not Houston (Yes Whitney!).
This line is what hit me the hardest...
"I make a mess of it the way I always seem to make a mess of things"
Don't be so hard on yourself, little flame. I hate to hear you be so quick to blame yourself for things.
Posted by: Paul at July 06, 2004 03:20 PM (xdj7o)
12
damn, now i'm crying. my heart goes out to you and your kitties. that would absolutely kill me. *sending loads of love and good wishes for your kitty babies*
Posted by: kat at July 06, 2004 03:54 PM (qEQy+)
13
The quarantine on pets coming from the US and Canada was changed a few years ago...now they spend a few days in quarantine near Heathrow, and that's it. I know Italy has more or less the same policy. I guess some countries have moved forward into microchipping and testing instead of quarantine; sadly, it sounds like Sweden is still doing it the old way. I'm sure you've already tried, but calling the Swedish Embassy in London might get you some better information.
Failing that, try calling your local "cat society" (a rescue group or RSPCA or Cat-Lovers United or something). Those types of groups are the movers and shakers that are getting the quarantines changed. They might have some suggestions for you!
Posted by: Lesley at July 06, 2004 04:57 PM (yQGoT)
14
My heart goes out to you. I love my cats to distraction. I know it sounds trite now, but this WILL work out for all of you, wait and see. :-) {{{hugs}}}}
Posted by: Amber at July 06, 2004 05:35 PM (zQE5D)
15
I'm so sorry, Helen. Wish I had a magic wand that I could wave for you and make it all better. I am in favor of the smuggling idea. Maybe give them a cat sleeping pill and wrap them up like sleeping infants, and drive across the borders! Hmmm..maybe not...sounded like a good idea at first...
Hope it all works out! Love, Heather
Posted by: Heather at July 06, 2004 07:13 PM (sjc/Q)
16
Oh, sweetheart... I'm so sorry. But I agree with Amber: this too will all work out for you. Just like it did with Dream Job and your relationships. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.
Hang in there!
Posted by: redsaid at July 06, 2004 08:42 PM (zwzzv)
17
Ooooh, I like Jim's idea!
I wonder if this quarantine thing isn't a little out dated. Can't a full blood analysis tell the health of emigrant critters well enough?
BTW, 5 months is by definition 3.75 quarantines.
Posted by: Roger at July 06, 2004 09:38 PM (8S2fE)
18
If he does anything bad to the cats I will gladly fly over to Sweden and provide him with a slow agonizing death.
And good old POMY land - extra for heated cages! OMFingG! When our kids were in quarantine here in Oz it was expensive but they didn't charge extra for heat!
For everyone's general info the blood tests for Rabies have to be given 6 months in advance and then repeated or something like that – I’m already starting to forget the details. Basically the tests are for antibodies to see if the vaccine worked. (Only a post mortem autopsy can actually answer whether an animal actually has rabies). So basically you have to get the animal vaccinated and then wait six months and have another blood test for antibodies or something like that. If anyone is thinking of taking an animal overseas plan ahead! Get all of the paperwork and go over it very carefully - timing is everything. If you do things just right the animals (as our cats did) will get the benefit of minimal quarantine - usually 1 month instead of 6 months.
Personally I think it's outrageous the way they treat animals given that humans with SARs and AIDS can hop on an aeroplane and go through customs. It's all the illegal immigrants and people from certain countries who, IMO, should be quarantined for a minimum of 6 months! LOL! >:-)
Posted by: Steve P at July 07, 2004 12:57 AM (KvWin)
19
It's nice that everyone is supportive about the cats, but what is up with this:
"I cry to Mr. Y, wanting to tell him simply how much I miss my girls and how worried I am .... I want to tell him this but it comes out wrong and I make a mess of it the way I always seem to make a mess of things..."
Every single post you write involves you whimpering and grovelling to Y because you've "said the wrong thing." There is something very very wrong with this relationship.
Posted by: Frances at July 07, 2004 03:53 AM (imEyO)
20
This had me very upset yesterday because I've been in a similar situation, only in my case the ex called me up at work to announce that he'd decided to send mine to the SPCA. You know--three days, then time's up? I got lucky in that instance and his brother, a sweetheart who somehow didn't inherit the raving lunatic gene, took them in instead. But oh, the stress of being
here while they're
there and thinking you can't get to them!
I'm thinking Jim might be right, though. And Frances? No need to be a bitch, dear.
Posted by: ilyka at July 07, 2004 11:03 AM (c3lYA)
21
I want to give testimony of how priest azula brought back my divorce husband back to me,were married for 9 years then we break up, due to the fact that he never love me again.
i have many felling for this my ex because we have gotten 2 kids together and i will want us to come back again. but all way i tried for us to come back all went in vain. i was confused and sad because i needed him back into my life, so i decided to contact priest azula, i never believe in spell casting i just decide to make an effort and see if something can come out of it. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to cast return back of love to him, they did the spell and after 2 week my ex called that he still love me and wanted us to be together again,what surprise me most was that he was married to another woman, and after the spell casting he divorce the woman for me that same week. it was the spell i cast on him that brought him back again. we later got married again and now the kids are happy that their father is back to their mother again, i really thank this priest azula for bringing back my ex husband to me. i want you my fellow women who want back their divorce husband to contact priest azula for his return, do not lose hope you can make this great step as i did then your ex husband will come back to you. and also your ex wife too okay,
his email address id is helptemple@yahoo.com
Posted by: lilly at October 24, 2012 02:18 PM (oJhXc)
22
I want to give testimony of how priest azula brought back my divorce husband back to me,were married for 9 years then we break up, due to the fact that he never love me again.
i have many felling for this my ex because we have gotten 2 kids together and i will want us to come back again. but all way i tried for us to come back all went in vain. i was confused and sad because i needed him back into my life, so i decided to contact priest azula, i never believe in spell casting i just decide to make an effort and see if something can come out of it. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to cast return back of love to him, they did the spell and after 2 week my ex called that he still love me and wanted us to be together again,what surprise me most was that he was married to another woman, and after the spell casting he divorce the woman for me that same week. it was the spell i cast on him that brought him back again. we later got married again and now the kids are happy that their father is back to their mother again, i really thank this priest azula for bringing back my ex husband to me. i want you my fellow women who want back their divorce husband to contact priest azula for his return, do not lose hope you can make this great step as i did then your ex husband will come back to you. and also your ex wife too okay,
his email address id is helptemple@yahoo.com
Posted by: lilly at October 24, 2012 02:20 PM (oJhXc)
23
I want to give testimony of how Dr red brought back my divorce husband back to me,were married for 9 years then we break up, due to the fact that he never love me again.
i have many felling for this my ex because we have gotten 2 kids together and i will want us to come back again. but all way i tried for us to come back all went in vain. i was confused and sad because i needed him back into my life, so i decided to contact Dr red, i never believe in spell casting i just decide to make an effort and see if something can come out of it. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to cast return back of love to him, they did the spell and after 2 week my ex called that he still love me and wanted us to be together again,what surprise me most was that he was married to another woman, and after the spell casting he divorce the woman for me that same week. it was the spell i cast on him that brought him back again. we later got married again and now the kids are happy that their father is back to their mother again, i really thank this dr red for bringing back my ex husband to me. i want you my fellow women who want back their divorce husband to contact Dr red for his return, do not lose hope you can make this great step as i did then your ex husband will come back to you. and also your ex wife too okay,
his email address id is redrocktemple@yahoo.com
Posted by: lilly at October 24, 2012 02:21 PM (oJhXc)
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July 05, 2004
Yankee Doodle Came To Town...
And left us with serious hangovers.
In fact, Mr. Y has only just emerged and he's not doing too well this morning.
The barbecue was a success, I am happy to say. We had a huge turnout, the food went over a storm, including Mr. Y's own recipe hamburgers and my homemade apple pie (it looked so good, I just wanted to take photos of it.), and the alcohol flowed like a river. Our homemade dips were demoloshed and the Delia Smith potato salad was gorgeous.
The potato salad was almost not made-you see, I have a bit of a beef with Delia. Delia Smith is England's version of Martha Stewart but without the weird arts and crafts, just the neuortic cooking. She has lovely recipes that border a bit on the obsessive (i.e. one of her recipes says: You must make sure all of the bowl is scraped clean!)
Right.
Anyway, Mr. Y mentioned that she had a summer cookbook, and it had 4th of July recipes in it. As in American 4th of July recipes. And this really wound me up-I mean, I have no authority to write recipes on a traditional English Christmas pudding. Nor can I write about a Swedish Julbord. Just because I have experienced them doesn't mean I am an expert. So where does this Delia Cow get off?
Mr. Y bought me the recipe book as a joke, and I admit it has some good stuff in there. But one of her suggestions for a 4th of July dish? A Cos, Weber and Rocket salad with blue cheese dressing.
Now, it wasn't until I moved here that I even know what Cos, Weber, and Rocket were. What American deigns to make a salad out of this at their 4th of July? Anyone? Isn't the traditional fare burgers, hot dogs, ribs, wings, chips, potato salad, dips, and pies or ice cream? I mean...really?
I called my aunt and uncle (my uncle is my father's brother) who live about an hour away, to discuss arrangements for them coming on Sunday, and talked for a long while with my Aunt Carol.
And I have to admit I was a bit glad that Aunt Carol couldn't make it.
Talking to her was a real trip.
She kept trying to reassure either me or herself that moving here for two years was the right thing to do. That this is an experience, that they should learn and grow from it. That they will enjoy their two years here and then never leave the U.S. again.
But she complained bitterly about the school system-my youngest cousin Mary attends a state school (public school in U.S. talk) and Nancy boards at a school in London that is only for the children of American servicemen. She is in a tightly controlled, thoroughly American atmosphere and only has to "deal with those Brits" as my aunt put it, when she leaves the base.
Those Brits?
They're not so bad.
My aunt and I talked a while, her venting mostly, and I found out the goings-on of my family. Namely, that some of them are coming here and I wasn't even asked to see them. Must be all that black wool I am covered in.
I don't think I could get any more ostracized if I tried.
My Uncle John and cousin Nancy showed. They were a bit late, but they showed. I haven't seen either of them in almost 10 years, and wow have they both changed. Nancy is tiny, and Uncle John is Army fighting fit. The last time I saw Nancy was in my Japanese grandmother's house, there were too many people there, she was annoying the shit out of me, and I was trying to figure out how I could slip her some her poisoned sushi.
I liked her right away last night.
She was bubbly and cute and eager. She was also completely submissive to my Uncle John. It was clear that things were run a certain way in their household, a way that makes me shudder. Someone offered her a beer, and my uncle barked that she was only 17-which would mean she can get a pint in England, but not in the U.S. Personally, I don't see the harm in her having one beer when she is with family-it sure beats her having benders when she is alone or with friends. And when she went for a piece of my apple pie, he admonished her.
"Nancy! Remember you have a weigh-in tomorrow. You don't need any of that." She immediately put the knife down on the side of the pie pan.
I felt my skin crawl and my blood boil. She has a weigh-in tomorrow? Is he for real? She's a girl, not a soldier. Cracks like that are what therapy was made to fix.
"Nance?" I asked. "The pie itself is low-fat. It does has quite a bit of sugar, but if you skip the custard, you don't have to feel at all guilty." She grinned at me, I grinned back, and she cut a small slice.
They left early on, with promises for us to all meet up. Mr. Y had spent masses of time talking to them and making them comfortable, so after walking John and Nancy to their car, we walked back to the real party hand in hand, me oozing gooey darts of love for this man who worked so hard on my barbecue, this man that I think my family would really like, if they ever took a chance to try.
The rest of the evening went great. At one point, the skies opened up and we dashed for cover under the gazebo that had been set up, but the party carried on. Mr. Y had strung lights everywhere, so as people made sure their wine didn't get wet, we trooped on under the lit gazebo and had a lovely time.
I got talking to one of my neighbors, a man named Rick. Rick is a grizzled and grumpy man in his mid-50's, who is so negative he makes Archis Bunker look like the skipper on the Good Ship Lollipop. He thought he could annoy me by making lots of Yankee jokes but when he saw that it didn't rattle my cage, he grinned, and told me I was acceptable. Then he told me about his last year, as he's been battling cancer (I think it's my face. I think I must have an honest face, and that's why people talk to me about their personal issues). His treatment is difficult and painful, and his next round starts up in September.
I listened to him, not commenting, while he talked about it. At the end, I smiled. "Well, if you feel like talking then, you can come over and talk to me."
"I don't need your pity!" he snarled.
"Don't be an asshole." I replied. "I'm not talking about holding your hand, for God's sake. I was just going to offer you a shot of whiskey if you needed it."
He looked at me. A smile went across his face. "You're all right...for a Yank."
High praise indeed.
The party went on until about 1:00 am. There were just 5 of us left, and we were three sheets to the wind by then. We were telling outrageously funny jokes, jokes so great they had our sides splitting. They were real corkers, like the following:
Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Right.
Seemed much funnier last night.
-H.
PS-Sorry Miguel. But I have to confess-I was cheering for Greece.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
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1
Sounds like you had a great time
And as I said....showers around here seems to appear from nowhere
Posted by: croxie at July 05, 2004 12:38 PM (KTeQw)
2
Sounds like a good time was had by all, or at least most.
But excuse me, a
weigh-in?! Is Nancy a pro boxer or something?
Posted by: Gudy at July 05, 2004 12:56 PM (Z6JJ8)
3
My guess is that your cousin is a jockey in training. Sounds like a great party.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 05, 2004 01:00 PM (X3Lfs)
4
... not you too, Helen...! There were 2000 Greeks making noise all night 250 meters away from my house, not you too, please! Anyway, they were very funny and cool, in that gay god sort of way ;-(. The goddesses looked mad and angry all the time, but not one of them ugly. One girl actually kissed me on the cheek, but she had blue and white lipstick. Took all the fun away. Almost. Miguel.
p. s. - glad to ear you had a good 4th of July... sounded great. Now go get Y some sparkling water. I´ve got mine here beside me...
Posted by: msd at July 05, 2004 01:03 PM (E8khj)
5
I'm glad you had a good time! And WOW I love the new layout!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Onyx at July 05, 2004 03:08 PM (G3591)
6
Whoa! For a moment I thought that I had clicked on the wrong link...and then I saw your face and that way-too-cute hat!
Cool! Sounds like you had a jubilient 4th
Posted by: Marie Freeman at July 05, 2004 03:47 PM (PQxWr)
7
I'm glad your bbq was a success. I'm still in the dark (even after googling!) to see what Cos, Weber and Rocket are (is?) since you only mentioned that they're ingredients in a salad of some sort. Now I'm curious.
I'm so glad you had a good time and got to catch up with SOME of your family. The others sound like they could use a nice long walk off a short pier.
Posted by: Lisa at July 05, 2004 05:21 PM (uxfbz)
8
Love the new look H and I'm glad you had a fab 4th of July BBQ.
Lisa: cos, weber and rocket are all types of lettuce.
Posted by: Gareth at July 05, 2004 05:58 PM (NHA9E)
9
Rocket = arugula
I had to learn that one when using fitday.com, also that american's only use 'corn' for sweetcorn..
Glad the party went well, the weekend's been a bit hit and miss weatherwise, so the gazebo was a godsend and a sharp move by Mr. Y..
Posted by: sasoozie at July 05, 2004 07:12 PM (40GDn)
10
sounds like a lovely bbq. i love how you told rick not to be an asshole. (i'm taking notes.)
and yay Greece! The bf's father called him this morning to rave about the game. he said, "see, we usually just fight all the time, but when we come together...ah! victory!" :-)
Posted by: kat at July 05, 2004 07:43 PM (qEQy+)
11
Thank you Gareth! And also Sasoozie.
Posted by: Lisa at July 06, 2004 04:11 AM (uxfbz)
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July 04, 2004
It's the New Me
Like the new look? A fabulous non-blogging friend of mine spiced it up for me, and I am in their debt forever. I'd give them my soul, but I promised that to Satan years ago in exchange for some cherry flavored pixie sticks.
Hindsight and all that.
We are getting ready for our barbeque here, and you wouldn't believe it-my uncle and one of my cousins, who are based in England (he is in the U.S. Army and so they are stationed over in England for another year) are coming today. I haven't seen them in ten years (my other cousin and my aunt can't make it today, but we plan on meeting up in a few weeks time).
Finally, some family that hasn't disowned me.
God, I really hope it goes well today. I hope lots of people turn up. I hope it doesn't rain. I hope people have fun. I hope they like my homemade apple pie.
Happy Birthday, America.
-H.
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1
I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day! happy 4th.
Posted by: melanie at July 04, 2004 10:23 AM (jDC3U)
2
Oh.. I like it! very bold!!
Posted by: melanie at July 04, 2004 10:24 AM (jDC3U)
3
Ooooooo....looks great
And have a good BBQ as well
Not sure what it's like in your end of the UK today, but we've got sunshine
Posted by: croxie at July 04, 2004 11:14 AM (OdqDO)
4
It's looking pretty dark and grey here, Croxie. But we have gazebos that are going up, so a big two fingers to the weather
Posted by: Helen at July 04, 2004 11:43 AM (L7rsG)
5
Looks cool! Good barbeque, and its nice to ear some family is crossing your way... Happy Birthday America and Americans.
p. s. - the party started at 8 a.m. here, Greeks and Portuguese are going crazy... God I hope we win!
p. s. 2 -even the comments look good... great job.
Posted by: msd at July 04, 2004 11:48 AM (CK1Fg)
6
Looks very grown up and stylish. We are also having barbeque today at my parents' house. Big party, should be lots of fun.
Happy Independence Day!
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 04, 2004 12:12 PM (X3Lfs)
7
Oh, and perhaps one more thing, maybe you should consider switching your photo from the current photo to one of the excellent snaps of you in your Ascot dress and hat. To go better with your new stylish blog design.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 04, 2004 12:15 PM (X3Lfs)
8
I like the new look overall.
I hope the BBQ goes well. Happy 4th!!!
~Easy
Posted by: Easy at July 04, 2004 01:52 PM (wYhWo)
9
Have a great fourth, and send some pie my way...
Posted by: mitzi at July 04, 2004 03:40 PM (A6pnD)
10
I think it looks great, Helen.
Happy Independence Day!
Posted by: Jim at July 04, 2004 04:46 PM (bmLWy)
11
...good luck with the party, Helen!
Posted by: Eric at July 04, 2004 05:13 PM (Py0cM)
12
Hey, looks great! Yes, happy barbeque to you, and all that. I'm having trouble choosing between skins...do I want the street or the phone booth? The street or the phone booth? All too much pressure...
Posted by: cari at July 04, 2004 05:49 PM (+k6xM)
Posted by: Jennifer at July 04, 2004 06:18 PM (39SSc)
14
I love it! It's wonderful. I hope your barbecue was a success and that the weather held out for you.
Posted by: Lisa at July 04, 2004 10:26 PM (uxfbz)
15
totally loving this new design! it's perfect!
happy fourth dear helen!
Posted by: kat at July 04, 2004 11:36 PM (qEQy+)
16
What a look!
Happy 4th of July dear Helen! Hope a lot of people show up and have fun with you.
Posted by: Serenity at July 05, 2004 02:08 AM (3g7Ch)
17
Great new look, hope you've had a good 4th of July
the new photo is cool too!!!
Posted by: Stephen at July 05, 2004 03:51 AM (w/U8f)
18
Love the new look chooch, hope you had a good 4th!
Posted by: zeno at July 05, 2004 09:28 AM (wdcH9)
19
I'm getting use to the showers that seems to show up from nowhere...if nothing else they do tend to get things moving
Hope your day went well
Posted by: croxie at July 05, 2004 09:53 AM (SunOu)
20
Well, I immediately switched to the London Street layout. I like a somewhat more muted design for reading stuff...
Posted by: Gudy at July 05, 2004 12:47 PM (Z6JJ8)
21
absofuckinlootley beautiful!!! Brava!!!
Posted by: Ted at July 05, 2004 05:05 PM (ZjSa7)
22
My God. It's great. Kudos to the designer.
Posted by: Simon at July 06, 2004 11:44 AM (FUPxT)
Posted by: Paul at July 06, 2004 03:08 PM (xdj7o)
24
I'm a creature of habit; solely based on that fact, I like the old look. But Solomon can adapt. I do like the London Streets skin.
And I LOVE that we can now
bold and
italicize. Excellent!! I always wondered how people got their stuff to be bold or italicized when they posted, and now I see it's just an html command. Cool.
Posted by: Solomon at July 07, 2004 01:47 PM (t5Pi1)
25
holy crap.. very cool...
Posted by: pylorns at July 07, 2004 05:46 PM (FTYER)
26
What to do Helen? I like ALL of your blog looks. Any way they can come up randomly?
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 09:01 PM (8S2fE)
27
Oh! I get it. We can pick 'em as skins...
Posted by: Roger at July 08, 2004 09:48 PM (8S2fE)
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