Ilyka made me remember a fun-filled doctor's visit I had in Sweden, what with her sweet-talk of colonoscopies. In truth, I have had two such monsters in my life, due to my IBS fun, and in Sweden about two years ago the IBS was getting unmanageable again, so it was off to the doctor's office again.

After getting an appointment in about two months time, I finally got a chance to see a specialist, a severe Polish woman who could speak only Polish or a dicey Swedish. Now, when it comes to your anus, you really want to make sure that both parties understand, so to say that I was nervous was an understatement. We did a lot of hand gestures and bastardized Swedish accounts, the Polish doctor getting more and more angry with me and having all the bedside manner of a euthanasiast with a charm school degree, and then she hauled in a younger nurse who I discussed with.

The specialist nodded, looked even more severe, and left the room.

She came back with a paper gown.

I knew I was in trouble then.

I was led in to an examination room, all bright fluoroscope lights and real bedding on the bed. There were several more nurses there, all looking at me sympathetically. I didn't really understand what was going on-I was only severely constipated, it's not like I needed an organ transplant or anything. I turned to the younger nurse to try to ascertain why the hell I was there.

The truth came out-I would be having a scope of the lower half of my bowels.

Right then and there.

I changed into my paper napkin shift, tying it in the front. I emerged and was frog-marched right back into the changing room by Polish Extremo, who made sure that the ties were in the back and my ass was to the wind. More nurses and doctors came in, making me wonder if they would be examining the lower intestines for IBS problems or just digging for gold.

I got up on the table, sitting down, my legs crossed and my hands making nervous knots of the paper towel I was wearing. I thought I would be ok. Polish Extremo was scary, but likely competent. I could handle it.

And then'¦he walked in.

Sven, the perfect golden Swedish Adonis, a shining example of a perfect male specimen. Gold hair, blue eyes, and oh-my-God-he-had-a-dimple. Perfect body and strong, sinewy arms poking out of his hospital scrubs. My God, I wanted this man to examine me and my family tree, I wanted to rip his clothes off and show him a little Yankee loving right then and there on the table.

Polish Extremo turned to me. 'Sven is an intern.' She blurbed. 'He will be observing.'

Oh great. Like this whole situation wasn't bad enough, Adonis gets to watch them probe my ass. Really, had I known it were such a party, I would've brought dip.

Polish Extremo approaches me holding what could easily pass for an 8 foot Boa Constictor, and all of it nicely encased in plastic. You know. To protect it from my gooey bits.

She smiles. 'It is time.' I nod and lay down on my stomach.

'Oh no.' She says, smiling nastily. She then contorts my body so that it is half-laying, half-kneeling, with one hitched up like I am in one of those touchy-feely woman classes, the kind where they will be giving me a mirror and telling me: So this is your clitoris, your flower of love. Isn't it beautiful?

I look up at the end on the table and see Adonis watching all of this, a small smile on his lips. God? I think. I swear if you help me get out of this with dignity, I will start attending church regularly. Ok, well, that'd be lying. But I will attend at least once a year then.

The probe comes close and the nurses gather round my ass. The doctors head for a TV screen for the 2D version. The probe goes in, and I cry like a baby, the pain was so agonizing it was unbelievable. Polish Extremo turns to the nurses.

'We need more lubrication, she is really tight.' She instructs, as they bring over a king-size tub of KY.

I feel my face burn as hot as my butt as Adonis keeps smiling. Oh man. Now he knows I have a tight ass. Oh man.

The probe goes further and the sense of discomfort is unbearable. It is like one big cramp squeezing your middle, the white hot pain of your anus just gives up and says: I've got nothing. The bowels are in way more pain now. The nurse near me tries to talk soothingly, but I just want to move her so that Adonis cannot see me. Surely no man who can look into my anus will want to talk sweet nothings in bed to me, it just isn't done.

Polish Extremo guides the python up my ass and looks at the TV screen. 'Oh yeah.' She says. 'Lots of mucus.'

God, I think, if you will just shut her up I will be ok. Just make Polish Extremo stop talking. Really. I will even give up cheese for you, God, just help me out here.

The test finishes as I am doubled up in agony. I stop caring about anyone or anything, I only want it to end. The nurses talk soothingly, the doctors stare at the TV screen, Adonis goes from looking at the cable feeding into my nether regions and the TV. Polish Extremo declares she has seen all she needs to, and removes the cable. I feel instant hope that I can survive this, hope that maybe Adonis didn't see the worst bits.

She withdraws the hundreds of miles of cable that have been snaked into my swirly bits, and I think I am home free. And just as the last bit is removed, I release an enormous fart, a horrible heinous sound made even worse from the gallons of KY that have been put on the cable.

Polish Extremo nods. 'This is normal.' My head drops to the table.

God? I think. Look buddy, could you just kill me now? Seriously, I really just want you to strike me down. Honest. Oh, and you can take out Extremo on my way out, if you feel like it.

In the end, I was put on medication and had an enormous maxi pad in my panties for the copious blood and KY that I oozed throughout the day.

I never saw Adonis again.

I really think that's for the best.

Probably wouldn't have worked out, anyway.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:47 AM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 1136 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I hate to laugh at your expense, but that was rather humorous. Well told, too

Posted by: Heather at July 01, 2004 07:21 AM (JaoWm)

2 oh my god! you had me shrinking down in my chair and cringeing as I read that! I didn't know they did things like that to you while you are awake!!

Posted by: melanie at July 01, 2004 08:42 AM (jDC3U)

3 So, ah, was this Polish lady cute? Did she have any facial hair? Tattoos? You don't happen to still have her number do you? *snicker* =)

Posted by: Dane at July 01, 2004 09:40 AM (ncyv4)

4 Of course if you HAD hooked up with Adonis, just imagine the fun you would have had when people asked you how you met!

Posted by: Jim at July 01, 2004 10:51 AM (bmLWy)

5 hehe...not a good time to bump into a Polish doctor in Sweden. What I never understood is how they can get a job like a doctor when they can't even speak the fricking language. It's amazing. A funny episode now, but I can imagine not all that funny when it happend As for the "spectator"...you do have the right to say NO WAY if they introduce you to something like that. Heck, a wire up the butt is more than enough ;p

Posted by: croxie at July 01, 2004 11:02 AM (Mqsik)

6 thank you for making me giggle this morning after my evening last night I needed it. Wonderfully written as always! Who better to make me laugh over anal probing.

Posted by: stinkerbell at July 01, 2004 11:13 AM (IHvBP)

7 Thanks for the laugh, I know what you went through but i was "out" for that part.

Posted by: Phyllis at July 01, 2004 11:54 AM (airjG)

8 That was a funny tale Someone had to say it. I always wonder what would make someone specialize in THAT area; it seems so unpleasant. I suppose it takes all kinds, and thankfully someone is willing to do it...even if it was Frau Nomercy from Poland (for you critics, I know "Frau" is German, but I don't know Polish for Mrs.)

Posted by: Solomon at July 01, 2004 01:36 PM (fi5qC)

9 That was sooo not funny. In America, they knock you out for that kind of thing, I cannot imagine having that done while awake. If you ever have it done again, insist on it! That made my butt hurt all the way over here.

Posted by: Donna at July 01, 2004 01:51 PM (guE3m)

10 Oh, oh...that has got to be one of the worse things ever. And I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I needed to read first thing this morning. It's now going to take the rest of the day to unclench.

Posted by: karmajenn at July 01, 2004 02:09 PM (fx1A8)

11 I have IBS too. I feel your pain...literally. But, holy crap was that funny! I can't stop laughing.

Posted by: Tiffani at July 01, 2004 02:18 PM (xpNFK)

12 Always the trooper, little flame. Thanks for that. I'm gonna go stand up a bit now.

Posted by: Paul at July 01, 2004 02:38 PM (xdj7o)

13 I knew there was a reason you were my first read of the day! Laugh out loud funny. I'm just upset no one came by and heard me laughing, because I didn't get to answer the question, "why are you laughing" with "Well, Helen's ass, actually."

Posted by: Jiminy at July 01, 2004 02:51 PM (56t8C)

14 And I was wondering what I missed by having that particular procedure done while I was knocked out. But not anymore. I feel for you!

Posted by: Rachel at July 01, 2004 02:52 PM (NWugY)

15 and they didn't give you any sort of painkiller? gah! well, it did make for a great story. heh...

Posted by: kat at July 01, 2004 03:03 PM (qEQy+)

16 Ugh. When I had a colonoscopy, they gave me an IV before doing the procedure. I didn't feel a thing barely remember having it done. I would laugh at the story, but I once had a nurse stick her finger up my butt and poke around. As much as I hated that, I can't imagine being fully aware of that python heading up into the unknown. Creepy.

Posted by: Mike at July 01, 2004 03:10 PM (9tzOa)

17 Vaguely reminds me of the Russian doctor that worked at my college's health center. She was...frightning. Sadly, she was the best they had on staff, of course. You have a real knack for storytelling, I must say.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at July 01, 2004 03:51 PM (djkkI)

18 Thanks for sharing...I think I would have died, but not before opening a can of whoop ass on Ratchett! Bare ass and all

Posted by: Marie Freeman at July 01, 2004 04:01 PM (PQxWr)

19 Helen, I have to sympathize with you... I've had three colonoscopies done, and none of them were pleasant, though at least I was drugged and none of my attendants were hot. Even through the drugs, it was excruciating, so I can't imagine how painful that was. However, your retelling of the whole affair was so funny, I could not stop laughing as I read it.

Posted by: wench at July 01, 2004 04:08 PM (j4ByO)

20 Oh, sweet mother of god! I'm going to take some Advil in sympathy RIGHT now!

Posted by: Kaetchen at July 01, 2004 04:20 PM (1nMRx)

21 Oh, thank you for the laugh this morning! sorry that you had to go through it though!

Posted by: justme at July 01, 2004 04:35 PM (kdn67)

22 Wow, that's quite a story. It's not encouraging me to sign up for that procedure any time soon.

Posted by: the girl at July 01, 2004 05:00 PM (XXTbQ)

23 Helen... LOL!!! I´m sympathetically laughing tough... Part of your story reminded me of an episode years ago. I was taking photographs for a book about the Portuguese horse, the Lusitano, and witnessed a controlled copulation. Awful, it was a humiliating experience for me, and I wasn´t the one doing it! The male horse has a huge member, and when it goes inside the female... well a lot of air comes rushing out! You have my sympathy ;-). Miguel.

Posted by: msd at July 01, 2004 05:20 PM (nsnrc)

24 You made me giggle this morning and this is after working late last night and being here at 6:30 am this morning. I was wondering with your bouts of IBS have you ever been checked out for having allergies to wheat. Both my aunt and my mother have them and the allergy can cause the same symptoms as IBS and if untreated can lead to hospitalization which is what happened to my mom because no one had diagnosed it. Anyways, I just wanted to throw that out there.

Posted by: Tif at July 01, 2004 06:30 PM (jCFyL)

25 Coffee spurting out my nose again. DAMN, Helen, that may be the funniest thing I've ever read in my LIFE! Thank YOU!

Posted by: Amber at July 01, 2004 06:59 PM (zQE5D)

26 Dear. God. The things I start and never know it. No bowel prep? No anesthetic? What sort of ersatz Soviet-style medicine was that?

Posted by: ilyka at July 01, 2004 07:52 PM (PWPi4)

27 Only you could make a colonoscopy so funny I choked on my tea and my cube mates had to pound on my back! You are living proof of the saying, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger..."

Posted by: jasminbutterfly at July 01, 2004 11:30 PM (sjc/Q)

28 Helen...dear, sweet Helen...you know I think your tops...and I hope and pray that one day you will forgive me for this... But I have never laughed so damn hard in my life as I did at this story. Especially the ending. I'm dreadfully sorry Helen...but I laughed so hard my face and my sides are in pain. I thought thinks this embarrassing only happened to me...and I haven't even had a colonoscopy. And please forgive me for what I'm about to do: I'm going to read this story again and start the painful laughing process all over. Ya know we lurves ya.

Posted by: Serenity at July 01, 2004 11:50 PM (3g7Ch)

29 You guys got anesthetics for it? Seriously? Fuck, I want my money back from Polish Extremo (but it was socialized health care, so it was free). Man it hurt. Serenity-laugh away, baby.

Posted by: Helen at July 02, 2004 10:55 AM (/EEVQ)

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