...what are you thinking of?

OK, I admit I was a pure, absolute Disney fan when I was a child, so I watched all of the films. Including Thomasina, the story of an English cat with a number of lives and a poncey accent to boot.

I used to love this film as a kid-I'm not sure why, perhaps because it was a movie about second chances, about love, about forgiveness, but above all it was about a cat and that appealed to my child-like love of cats (which continues on today!)

An email from someone who reads my site got me thinking about my life since the mail was very well-written and thoughtful, but also because I am an unemployed loser desperately hoping for a work visa (will be about two weeks before I know the answer to this. In the meantime, my ulcer is about to produce an ulcer of its own).

I think I have had many lives, actually, and I don't mean this in any gauzy Shirley McLaine kind of way. I mean I can think of several distinct periods in my life that are so radically different from the others, that a conscious choice to change my life is almost audible.

They are:

Life 1 - Ages 0-14. Otherwise known as "my childhood". And here is something that I have never told anyone really-I don't remember my childhood. Any of it. The things I do remember turn out to be snapshots that I have in a photo album. The real memories I have of my childhood are hazy, undefined moments that pop up in blips and starts like an 8mm movie. And the creepy thing-all the movie memories of my childhood I have are in black and white.

Yes, my therapist and I are addressing this.

Life 2 - Ages 14-17. My memories kick in big time, and all in color, although recently talking to my sister it's become clear that these memories are off track, too. These are the high school years, and high school for me was a very rough time. My mother, sister and I lived in Arlington, Texas and we were zoned for a very posh neighborhood, when we were very far from posh. We had little money, lived in a tiny rented house with shag carpeting, and I drove a 12 year old Honda to school which got urinated on daily by the football team during practice, when they would go through the parking lot and pee on the bad cars (very noticable from the Beemers, convertibles, and Porsches in the parking lot). I had no friends, and was not only the class clown but also the honor student. I graduated early just to get out of that hellhole. The school just had their ten year reunion. Fuck that.

Life 3 - Ages 18-20 I was married to the biggest dick south of the Mason-Dixon line, and stayed in college while I was married for 18 months to the lamest excuse for a man that I have ever met. Ironically, I don't regret marrying him-at least I have a "Worst" to compare him to.

Life 4 - Ages 20-25. These are the Kim years, as well as the years I graduated from school, started working, and started to try to get on with my life. I learned to scuba dive. I started to travel all over the world. I bounced into being an alcoholic. I bought my first house. I learned Russian. I got my first tattoo (it was the initial "K" on my ankle to start with, for Kim. Then I had it turned into the Kanji symbol for endurance and eternity. Fitting, really.) I suffered my first heartbreak.

Life 5 - Ages 25-29. I moved to Sweden, married Partner Unit, and worked my knuckles to the bone for Company X. I continued travelling like mad, I made two extremely close friends in Dear Mate and Best Friend. I got pregnant. I bought a house. I learned another language. I went sky-diving. I tried to kill myself and started therapy. I got my heart broken. I got my second tattoo (on my shoulder, the Kanji symbol for "heaven", which is defined as a moment of pure and perfect happiness). I became a vegetarian.

And so what's next? Well, it looks like Life 6 is heading up to bat. Lost my job. About to turn 30 (my birthday is on April 1. Yes, seriously. And yes-I have already heard all the jokes, trust me.) My marriage is busting up. I may or may not be moving to the UK to start my Dream Job. I may or may not be heading back into my bed for the rest of my life.

What does all this mean? Well, if Thomasina got nine lives, then I seem to be burning through my lives rather quickly. If it is so that I have 55+ more years to go, I had better slow down a bit It's just strange that I don't think of my life in one continuous movement, but rather in acts, in scenes where I was so radically different a character than the one I had been before. In one act I was the victim. In another, I underwent my own renaissance. I am not sure if this is a feature of shaping and growing, or hiding and avoiding. And what it all boils down to, is this: At the end of my nine lives, will I know who I am then?

I have had so many lives, and so many times where I was completely different from one life to the next. Do you ever think about that? About how many lives you have had?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:34 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
Post contains 958 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I think I am still on the first life, waiting to emerge from my childhood. This would explain why I think things like GUOMN are still funny.

Posted by: Guinness at January 30, 2004 08:43 AM (7uAz8)

2 I'm on about the fourth, and I'm not even 20 yet, so.. you're doing a better job than me. You're not a cat, but working the nine lives theory.. I would say that the last day of your ninth life, you will have more of an idea about who you are than you ever have had. It just makes sense that after a lifetime of lives, you'll have more of an awareness of yourself than you did in the earlier stages of that lifetime. What I think will happen, though, is at the end of your ninth life, you'll begin your tenth. And I'm sure it will be as trying and painful and beautiful in its own ways as every other one before it. I find it really hard to think coherently with this whole 'being stabbed in the gut' feeling, so I will stop my rambling.. now. ;]

Posted by: Meg at January 30, 2004 09:37 AM (1aD7e)

3 I've lived 2 lives and am onto my third one. It feels unreal sometimes but I'm happy because I feel alive at the end of it all.

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 30, 2004 09:44 AM (KmSCn)

4 Catch the wave (corny as it is) NY state has dozens to hundreds of Indian workers from Iowa layed off from Worldcom... who are spreading east (many who don't even speak english ... Note we have one good lady who can. and after errr lots of trainng she is really good.. ) grab a job and sink your claws into it. Pity the states of the US are union busting -------------------

Posted by: LarryConley at January 30, 2004 10:11 AM (A4qhf)

5 I have almost no memories from my childhood either. Everything I can remember is because my sister or mother have told me about it, rather than because I can recall it first-hand. In some ways, it's unsettling that other people know more about certain phases of my life than I do.

Posted by: Gareth at January 30, 2004 10:32 AM (NHA9E)

6 Gareth, that's precisely what I have in my life, too. Larry-er...what?

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 10:46 AM (o79Rx)

7 "I live upstairs from you, yes I think you've seen me before" - damn that song! What's funny is I left Disney behind for a while, only to undergo a complete re-immersion now with my kids. You've already managed to cram a whole lot more living into a comparitively short period than most do in, well, a lifetime. And it makes you one damn interesting woman. Right lads?

Posted by: Simon at January 30, 2004 11:10 AM (GWTmv)

8 Right. And FWIW, I don't think you'll be through with it all at the end of life #9, at least if you keep going at the current rate... But then, you aren't a cat and so aren't limited to a measly 9 lives. And that song sometimes gives me chill bumps. I abhor violence, and "Luka" somehow manages to transport its subject matter right under my skin in a way that no piece of anger rock ever could. It's scary, but in a good way.

Posted by: Gudy at January 30, 2004 12:48 PM (d9Ei7)

9 I think everyone goes through various stages in their life. It's how we grow and develop as people. My hubby and I talk about how we have had several different "lives" and we've only been married for 12 years. There was the early years when he was in grad school, which I like to call the Poverty years. We played like college kids, drank like fish and completely lived day to day. The next life I called the DINK years. (double income, no kids). We finally had money. We started to buy real furniture and get established. Then, shortly into the DINK years, the third life came rushing in with Baby #1, who completely changed our entire world, and so on. I know I'm rambling, but my point is, I think everyone goes through these different lives. It's cool to look back and see how much you've changed and grown as a person. I see how much you have changed in the description of your lives and I think you have so much going for you. Hang in there. Things will definitely get better. In your next life you will continue to grow and find new challenges. Hopefully you will be able to cast the demons out of the past lives and be able to move on. p.s. I love your blog!

Posted by: Trainy at January 30, 2004 01:06 PM (umkOE)

10 simon says... it all. You´re right. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 01:22 PM (wW77H)

11 Sorry but this "lives" concept is a bit strange for me. I try to live mine, be it one or 27 or... my goal is to be happy, eat good food, drink the best wine, enjoy friends... and having an orgasm, why not? Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 01:27 PM (wW77H)

12 It's old and cliche-ick, but the only constant in life is change. Even if we don't change something major, time does. I can't play soccer 5 days a week, eat anything I want, stay up past midnight regularly, and watch hours of mindless tv anymore. Even if one doesn't change dwellings, countries, or jobs, there are phases in his/her life. And I trust the theme of phase 6 (hardship) will be short lived. Just like the Emperor's moth, sometimes hardship produces a beautiful result. I'll explain if anyone/everyone hasn't heard the story.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 02:42 PM (t5Pi1)

13 I can definately split my life into 'lives'..My childhood was pleasant enough, but from about 14 - 20 it's miserable, the bright kid that wasn't popular, quietly niched into a corner with a couple of other 'geeks'... 21 - 28 - a much more confident me, married, running my own business before wife and best friend became an item. Life 3 - moving to the US, spent 5 years there, went a little wild, came out of my shell completely, before meeting and marrying 'Great Wife', and returning to England for Life 4...

Posted by: Phil at January 30, 2004 02:52 PM (K2cNB)

14 "Just like the Emperor's moth"... simon please explain. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 03:13 PM (wW77H)

15 Simon I've been thinking of that Luuka song ever since I suggested it. I thought it was only appropriate to bring everyone down with me. I mean why should I suffer alone...right? Now all together....My name is Luuka... Helen It's only fitting that life goes into stages. The biggest transition or stage for me was becoming a mother 10 years ago. You more or less change rolls from being a child to raising a child (at least for me). I think back and remember being a teenager and wonder where that girl went. However, I think stages are a good thing. You become wiser with each "life".

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 03:35 PM (0i1dP)

16 I lost track of mine a while back. Now I just cruise... Oh, yeah.

Posted by: Jim at January 30, 2004 04:11 PM (IOwam)

17 I would love to host Luuka, seems she needs a west coast connection!.

Posted by: Cheryl at January 30, 2004 04:35 PM (/kuVz)

18 At the rusty, old age of 36 I'm in the neighborhood of Live #5. 1) Childhood 2) Marriage/parenthood 3) Loss of a parent and last shred of feeling like you'll live forever 4) Divorce - that warm and fuzzy feeling of being hit by a bus and then dragged for 3 or 4 city blocks. 5) I wake up each day with new eyes, albeit not perfect ones, where I can see what truly matters and what is simply clutter. H, A series of arcs is a good way thinking of our lives. I can't draw it here but picture them as a terraced or stair-step arrangement. As we complete each arc or "learning curve" we're higher up the mountain than last time. By the time each of us finishes our journey I'd like to think we'll have reached the summit. We'll plant our flag that proclaims "I MADE IT" and we can look back down the mountain and realize the trip wasn't an easy one but definitely worthwhile. Keep climbing little flame, and remember we're all tied in together. If you go - we go!

Posted by: Paul at January 30, 2004 04:46 PM (yXRuL)

19 Its funny how high school can be such a horrid crucible but I have no problems imaging the pricks you grew up among in Texas. As for burning your lives too quickly, don't worry, there's more where they came from, maybe there's a cosmic life refill for the deserving. I'm still on my first life but I munged it pretty good a few times so that its all but unrecognizable. Like a sheet of paper crumpled and then smoothed back out again.

Posted by: Johnny Huh at January 30, 2004 05:24 PM (vg9tC)

20 H love, I think you've given me a meme to write about today. Isn't it funny how we can see our lives like this? But don't worry about running out of options/lives. It doesn't quite work that way! Things will steadily get better. Honest.

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 30, 2004 05:29 PM (WZyYB)

21 Cool, so you are an Aries too! I loved getting the tumultuous 20's out of my system. Honey, trust me when I tell you that in your 30's, the sex thing is huge--I mean REALLY huge.

Posted by: Marie at January 30, 2004 05:32 PM (PQxWr)

22 First of all, if everyone would quit mentioning that song, I could keep it from getting stuck in my head Too late. A guy saw an emperor moth trying to come out of it's cocoon. The moth was struggling so hard to get out the little hole it had made that he didn't think it would survive. He watched for a while and finally decided to help. He used something to snip the cocoon and give the moth an easy exit, but the moth looked sickly and ugly. It died within hours of exiting. The guy learned that while the emperor moth struggles so long through the little hole, it's squeezing water either from or into (I can't remember which) its wings. Without that struggle, the liquid doesn't go where it should and the moth perishes; but with the struggle, it turns into a beautiful moth. No one likes struggles or hardships when they go through them, but usually (sometimes years later) we see the benefits or value of the struggle and are glad we endured it.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 05:41 PM (fi5qC)

23 It strikes me that we tend to define our "lives" in terms of our major relationships. Which means, in some ways, that our lives are defined by our interactions with others, despite the fact that we tend to view each "life" in terms of internal emotional changes. Perhaps the key is to surround ourselves with good people. Which, if I may, is one good reason to blog, to surround yourself with people who care about you, in a good way. As for my lives: 0-6: typical back-to-lander/hill-billy child 6-12: spacey depressed child 13-17: anxiety-ridden depressed teen wanting to get the hell out of the house 17-19: culture-shocked naive girl trying very hard to be a good little Catholic fiance - ended in depression 20-25: happy collegiate student/new employee 26+: I don't know yet!!

Posted by: Courtney at January 30, 2004 06:09 PM (kG7EZ)

24 There are certain landmark ages that occur during the average life-span.... Twelve is the first -- a coming-of-age time -- then 16, then 18, then 21.... Nothing else happens until you turn 36 (when you can legally have sex with people half your age), and then retirement comes at 63, unless you died of a heart attack at age 36.... not trying to be morbid -- just to get a smile .. Ky

Posted by: Kylan at January 30, 2004 06:13 PM (d18ri)

25 solomon (and not simon, sorry ), thank you.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 06:53 PM (wW77H)

26 Marie said: "trust me when I tell you that in your 30's, the sex thing is huge--I mean REALLY huge." Oooooooh boy, will I be in big trouble in my 30's...

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 06:55 PM (Iz2K9)

27 Really? Sex is huge in your 30's well...I must be doing something wrong! I'm 33 and still waiting. Tell me please what is it I'm waiting for.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 07:20 PM (0i1dP)

28 Miguel, No problem on the name switch, and I was glad to share. "...Yes, I think I'm okay, Walked into the door again..." Darn that Suzanne Vega!! It really is a catchy tune.

Posted by: Solomon at January 30, 2004 07:24 PM (fi5qC)

29 Will it be a tumultuous time for you when this seeming black and white verdict comes across your doorstep? That depends on you, Helen. Remember, itÂ’s not what Dream Job company, the Swedish citizenship office, British Immigration or what other people do or don't do, or even your own poor choice that will hurt you the most; it is your response to those things. Learn have to have passion, ambition and anticipation but not over-inflated expectancy. You've even got the time to plan other contingencies and it will occupy your time. You've got the resources to do this! Your very special!

Posted by: John at January 30, 2004 10:05 PM (YKCN/)

30 I have definatley had lots of lives...Im almost 45 and I see my life the way you see yours Helen.In chapters.And stories. And all the way has been struggles and gains,good times and bad...its called personal growth Sometimes I have the feeling that Im not even connected to these other lives but I KNOW I am..its wierd..

Posted by: butter at January 31, 2004 12:39 AM (karT6)

31 Yep, my life is plural too. I used to move every 5-7 months or so (really, for a while, 7 months was my record for being in one place) and every state I lived in I had a new different me. Now that I'm staying in one place, the trouble is learning to be the same person all the time...

Posted by: ember at January 31, 2004 08:09 PM (f0SBT)

32 Part of what makes your site so fun is that you have had so many lives! I'm always half-jealous, but then, I feel similarly about my own life. I seem to partition it into acts like that. And when I think back to some of the things I did or things which happened to me when I was around 20, I feel like, "I don't even recognize that person." Dude, where's my continuity?

Posted by: ilyka at February 01, 2004 12:06 AM (d08lb)

33 Hey.. my mom's b'day is also on April 1!! cool....

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at February 01, 2004 08:11 PM (RPA9m)

34 My horse, Petey, whose registered name is Jet's Marked Fool, is also an April Fool's baby. Sometime when you are in Leavenworth, you must call me, and take a ride on him. You might be meant for each other!

Posted by: Beth at February 02, 2004 01:15 AM (igCu1)

35 I've had about 5 lives and I'm on my third career. So far my fifth looks very promising!!

Posted by: Clancy at February 02, 2004 02:48 PM (EGVPL)

36 I think I love blogging and fellow bloggers so much because I get to explore a life other than my own. I have only two lives... maybe three. Pre-Jen, Jen, and Jen with our new daughter. They have all been pretty freakin' good though. The current one is the best.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 09, 2004 06:17 PM (ORtG/)

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Does anyone else get that damn song stuck in their head when they hear the name Luuka? Sheesh.

Anyway, here is the ongoing, living list for hosting the Everyday Bear.

Robert in Jersey (the island)
Erik down the Tennessee River
Ted in D.C.
Miguel in Lisbon
Jim in Atlanta
The Wench in Memphis
Drew on Long Island
Imabug in South Carolina
Tiffani in Cleveland
Karen in Virginia
Clancy somewhere on the East Coast
Amber in St. Mary's, Georgia
Jennifer in Tulsa
Kat in Boston
Suz in Kansas City
Sean in New Orleans
Sarah in Houston
Ted K in Philadelphia
Pixy Misa in Oz
Cait in DC
Guinness in Sacramento
Carlene in New Orleans
Sue in Indiana
Jennifer in New Orleans
Tami in Idaho
Serenity-wherever she may be when it's her turn
Pylorns in Austin
Marie in the Blue Ride Mountains
Laura in British Columbia
Meg in Brisbane
Onyx in the Northeast
Plumpernickel in Calcutta

I will move this to the sidebar and keep it there as an ongong list. Just let me know if you want added to the list-no problems as all!

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:02 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 190 words, total size 2 kb.

1 The suzanne vega one?

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 30, 2004 08:33 AM (7OIr+)

2 That's the song! Stuck in my head!

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 08:35 AM (LQOkh)

3 Likewise.

Posted by: Meg at January 30, 2004 09:28 AM (1aD7e)

4 Now, its stuck in mine too.

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 30, 2004 09:42 AM (KmSCn)

5 "I live on the second floor, I live up stairs from you, yes I think you;ve seen me before" Sorry but I just had to get it out of my head...

Posted by: robert at January 30, 2004 10:31 AM (kXZI6)

6 "If you hear some kind of fighting, some kind of fight, just don't ask me what it was..." That damn song is stuck for the weekend now. Not that I'm complaining, but...(complaint)ren't you missing a couple of hosts at the start there?(/complaint). Not that I'm complaining or anything...

Posted by: Simon at January 30, 2004 11:04 AM (GWTmv)

7 Whats whit this usa thing? Arent there any more places in the world for luuka to see? Girls and boys, she is cute! Comon... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 30, 2004 12:43 PM (wW77H)

8 Sorry, Simon! Correct, and fixed on the right-hand side. Miguel, you're right. Where are the international readers? Speak up, my lovelies!

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 01:28 PM (LuooX)

9 You forgot me. John and I would love to have Luuk visit us in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Posted by: Beth Donovan at January 30, 2004 04:51 PM (bW6Ed)

10 I'm going to beg Guinness to let me have her for a few days while she's in Sac. Drive that little girl down to San Francisco and show her what my German friends always referred to as The Fun. Yay!

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 30, 2004 05:25 PM (WZyYB)

11 Hey! I seem to have lost my spot in the rotation too. I still think the wee bear-to-be-named-later should experience the Canadian Rocky Mountains and all the tackiness that is Banff. Please put me back on the list? Thinking of ya Helen. Take care of yourself. Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark at January 30, 2004 08:58 PM (Hrm9v)

12 Kaetchen, Beth and Paul, you are all added on the right-hand side. Beth and Paul-I promise I hadn't forgotten you guys! I just wanted to make sure everyone was still up for hosting!

Posted by: Helen at January 31, 2004 08:21 AM (LlC75)

13 Odd's Bodkins, I've been dropped from the list, what what? I say thee nay! I would like to show Luuk's little sister around the lovely Alamo City for a day or two.

Posted by: David at February 02, 2004 01:22 AM (6wKHf)

14 H. While I am new to your site, I would love to host Luuka in the Central Texas area. I know that she would love 6th street and the sunset at the Oasis. And as an older gentleman I would be very secure in escorting her. I have somewhat over 26 of her family clan residing in my humble abode and she would never be lonely. PS- love your blog, you truly inspire us novices to this world.

Posted by: grey at February 02, 2004 02:36 PM (AiWU/)

15 I'm still here, just get to read once a week now instead of once a day. I'd love to show Luuka around in Missouri! I promise to show her a good time, and send her on to her next destination.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 09, 2004 06:10 PM (ORtG/)

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...I live on the second floor (sing it with me, now!)

Since our beloved Luuk has fallen (last he was heard from was end of December with his host Jean, and neither of them have been heard from since-Jean, I really hope you're ok sweetheart), allow me to introduce you to Luuka.

Luuka is Luuk's little sister (thanks, Tiffani!) She is a native Swede (which means she likes to drink and knows all the words to the Abba songs).

We hung out and bonded a bit in the snowy Swedish wintertime (which meant we drank coffee and watched a DVD together).

Luuka is now off to Simon, and then will be making her way amongst the blog readers, who take pics of her and post them on their sites (or mine, if they do not blog). My goal is to link a seperate Luuka page to my site, but right now my current pc sucks a clown's ass, so that will have to wait. Luuka has a little travel journal going off with her-just sign it, leave her a message, a train ticket stub, whatever to help her remember where she's been.

Let's work it thus: I have a list here, and we will have this be the "shipping to" list. If the timing is bad or whatever, we can move names around. But otherwise, this is the order in which the little Luuka sees the world. If she sees a town more than once, that's totally OK, and in fact great! It's about perspective-what is it that makes your town great for you?

That, and the bear is just so damn cute that of course people want to host her...

OK, I am starting over with the list, since so many people have come and gone from my site. So if you want her, then let me know-just leave a message with your name and city in the comments, and we proceed from there! I will start with the first two names that I am sure of. We used to have a long list ready to host Luuk, but now we have Luuka, so let's start over, yes? I know in my last post Meg, Miguel and Guinness all indicated that they were ready for her, so let's start afresh-again, if you want Luuka, comment below leaving your name and city, and she will be shipped in the order of the comments. And I am going to leave it to you guys to arrange-contact the name before you and have a dialog, ti send addresses and whatnot.

The "to" list:

Simon in Hong Kong.

Brass in Colorado (Brass, email Simon with your address!)-I know you were so keen to have some time with Luuk in January, is February ok? You promised to teach Luuk snowboarding, now let's have Luuka kick some ass!

And now, if you will excuse me, I am still throwing my guts up. It it -4, snowing like a maniac, and yesterday I had an "incident"-my body woke me up, the way only a body does, needing to throw up. I leaned over the land it in the very clean and ready-to-go bucket that Partner Unit thoughtfully placed next to the bed for me, but realized in horror that curled in the bottom of the bucket was one of my precious kitties.

I just couldn't throw up on her! So I dashed out of bed, ran to the bathroom...and hurled all over the bathroom floor.

Last time I checked that damn cat was still sleeping in the bucket.

-H.

PS-I need some assistance, too-a friend of mine is taking his children to Florida for vacation, and has 3 days to spend in the Miami area. Any ideas on fun things to do with two childre (ages 6 and 11) in that area for 3 days? Thanks!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:32 PM | Comments (44) | Add Comment
Post contains 648 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Ooh ooh bring the bear to Jersey, bring the bear to Jersey!!!

Posted by: robert at January 29, 2004 01:07 PM (kXZI6)

2 dangit...poor Luuk...ahh, well....the offer of taking a River Boat down the Tennessee River still stands...

Posted by: eric at January 29, 2004 01:16 PM (CMCIS)

3 Luuka is welcome anytime to stop in for a rocket launch - ground crew, not astroLuuka.

Posted by: Ted at January 29, 2004 01:33 PM (blNMI)

4 more than happy to entertain Luuka. Any time is a good time. Miguel, in Lisbon/Portugal. p. s. - does Luuka like soccer? We´ve got euro2004 coming up here...

Posted by: msd at January 29, 2004 02:02 PM (wW77H)

5 I'd be happy to host Luuka. We can have a drink to toast my old pal Luuk. We'll do it Irish style - get shit faced then pray. But seeing as I already had the pleasure of Luuk's company, put me down a bit on the list to give some other folks a chance to host an Everyday Bear.

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 02:11 PM (IOwam)

6 You are all on the list (you too, Jim)-and Miguel, I know that Luuka is a soccer (ahem-football! ) fan! The question is-are you brave enough to take a teddy bear to watch a game?

Posted by: Helen at January 29, 2004 02:12 PM (TZJXp)

7 If you let me host Lukka, I will take her to see Elvis!

Posted by: wench at January 29, 2004 02:25 PM (j4ByO)

8 Bring the bear to Long Island. I will build a sand castle for her. I will also promise to try to remember to pull her from the castle before the tide comes in

Posted by: Drew at January 29, 2004 02:47 PM (CBlhQ)

9 I'd love to show Luuka around the South Carolina Lowcountry. I'm sure she'd enjoy a relatively warm day (compared to Sweden this time of year) on the beach in Charleston.

Posted by: imabug at January 29, 2004 02:57 PM (VzyPX)

10 H~ I'm glad you liked the name! And of course I want her to come to Cleveland. I'll take her maybe to see Labron James. But, she'll definitely go to the Rock Hall. I can't wait to meet her!

Posted by: Tiffani at January 29, 2004 03:01 PM (0i1dP)

11 Virginia, Virginia, she really wants to come to the country in Virginia. Horseback riding, driving a tractor, planting a garden, floating the James River in a canoe. She'll have to take a mini vacation when she leaves, cause there is soooo much to do. Waiting for her arrival. Karen

Posted by: Karen at January 29, 2004 03:03 PM (tWdSj)

12 Put me down for Luuka. Depending on how far down on the list I wind up, we (GF & I) may take Luuka anywhere... Delaware is a small state, but it's close to lots - Luuka may spend a day in Manhattan, Philly, Baltimore, DC - or even some time on a Delaware beach away from those nasty Jersey (as in NJ, Rob, not your pretty little island) Beaches.

Posted by: Clancy at January 29, 2004 03:03 PM (EGVPL)

13 Hi, I grew up in Miami so I think I might be able to help you out with things to do for two children 1. Take them to the beach! It's wonderful for kids of all ages! South beach is the nice trendy spot and it's not too bad for kids during the day. But there are tons of beaches around the area. Just let the frolick about! 2. Monkey Jungle! I loved it there. So many fun monkeys to see 3. Parrot Jungle! Yes, there are quite a few jungles and such in Miami aren't there You're more than welcome to send me an email if the kids have any specifics wants or needs. Like, if they're not into animals Having lived there for 20+ years I'm sure I can figure out other things they'd enjoy. Hope this helps!

Posted by: Amynah at January 29, 2004 03:10 PM (tqQaS)

14 I'd love to have a visit from Luuka! I'm in Saint Marys, Georgia. We could go and visit an SCA Event, and I'll even make sure that she has garb.

Posted by: amber at January 29, 2004 03:23 PM (iJZeQ)

15 Helen, I´m brave enough allright. The problem are the tickets... there aren´t any left. But we can watch the games in public squares, lots of big screens will be available, I think. I´ve seen weirder stuff in football/soccer games. Luuka would blend in perfectly. But maybe I could ask my g/f to carry her, mmhhh....... yes, probably best . Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 29, 2004 03:24 PM (wW77H)

16 "I am still throwing my guts up"... whats with all the sickness, hangover or are you sick? Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 29, 2004 03:28 PM (wW77H)

17 I would love to show Luuka around the "Old West" in other words....Oklahoma. I live in Tulsa, and she can see the famous Gilcrease Museum (Best collection of Thomas Moran in the world.)and I could take her to a real live Pow Wow....

Posted by: jennifer at January 29, 2004 03:29 PM (F8TUc)

18 Helen, Luuka is more than welcome here. We have plenty of Boardin' Betty's to show her the ropes and with a ratio of 5 guys for every girl she's gonna be very popular. Brass. P.S. hope you feel better.

Posted by: Brass at January 29, 2004 03:31 PM (SrRJG)

19 You are all on the list! Thanks for the Miami hints, Amynah-I think it will come in handy! Brass-thanks Just go to Simon's site (over there on the right) and email your address to him, darling! Miguel-flu here, big time, unfortunately! I even missed my lovely curry lunch with Best Friend today because of it!

Posted by: Helen at January 29, 2004 03:38 PM (TZJXp)

20 *sigh* back to the bottom of the list. but yes, i want to host lukka! she's so cute! :-) ugh, and i hope you feel better soon. barfin is no fun at all.

Posted by: kat at January 29, 2004 03:45 PM (FhSIP)

21 Helen, I commented in the Lunatic Luncheon Club that I still wanted to host Luuk's successor. Does that in any way move me up the list?! If not, no worries. I am still interested in hosting Luuka in KC. And if she can't come till August, that's really fine too. I am heading to the Outer Banks of NC then. She could come along for the ride! Love to you and I hope you are feeling much better soon. Suzanne PS - I have started a blog, but it's still the lamest site in the blogesphere, so I am keeping it to myself until it is fit for public consumption.

Posted by: Suz~ at January 29, 2004 04:01 PM (1HaWw)

22 Wish I could suggest something about Miami, unfortunately all the stuff I do there is very...adult, heh. I would be glad to host Luuka on a Mardi Gras float this year.

Posted by: sean at January 29, 2004 04:34 PM (Tsgvl)

23 i would have her here, but the thign is, you will hopefully be in the UK anyway so i think she will see enough of it : ) hope the flu leaves you alone soon, abs x

Posted by: abs at January 29, 2004 04:49 PM (lnpfn)

24 Luuka and Mom are both welcome at my humble abode.

Posted by: Sarah at January 29, 2004 05:01 PM (7wzrX)

25 I would love to host Luuka. We will visit Philadelphia. If she comes in the fall I will try to take her to Swedish heritage day when Philadelphians remember that the land they live on was once a Swedish colony. Failing that, I will find a bit of old Sweden in the new world in South Jersey. Ted K.

Posted by: Ted K at January 29, 2004 05:42 PM (bUIG8)

26 I'd love to have Luuka come to stay for a few days. Maybe when she's finished touring the 'states. Now, why exactly is there a cat sleeping in the bucket? Is it just the law of maximum inconvenience at work? Or is it a sinister kitty plot?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 29, 2004 05:47 PM (jtW2s)

27 I would love to host her here in D.C., where she could visit the Big Bears at the Zoo. We wouldn't go to the Museum of Natural History because I think all that taxidermy stuff is scary for little bears, even when they are already stuffed. As for children and Florida, my experience is that if you let them spend the whole day in the hotel pool, they think you are the Best Parent Ever. We took my daughter to Orlando - went to Disneyworld, went to Sea World, etc. -- and her favorite day was the day I was in meetings and her dad let her spend the whole day in the pool.

Posted by: Cait at January 29, 2004 06:02 PM (ilNAg)

28 No bear for me thanks. It wouldn't do for a guy in his late 30s to be carrying around a stuffed bear. Now if it were a real bear, I'd be in.

Posted by: Solomon at January 29, 2004 06:16 PM (t5Pi1)

29 I can't wait. I even take Luuka to meet her long lost cousin, now living at the RoCo.

Posted by: Guinness at January 29, 2004 07:03 PM (7uAz8)

30 Keep me on the list! If she isn't with Sean at Mardi Gras, I can take her to Tucks with me, or have her experience the Bachannalia of Jazz Fest, or just booze it up on Bourbon Street....

Posted by: Carlene at January 29, 2004 08:00 PM (GWNYB)

31 I'd love to host Luuka here in Indiana!

Posted by: Sue at January 29, 2004 09:28 PM (0SrUW)

32 Suzanne, It sure feels that way in the beginning doesn't it? I've been tinkering with mine for weeks now and it still feels extremely lame. And my own writing diappoints me. It looked better to me before I opened it up for the world to see...

Posted by: Clancy at January 29, 2004 09:38 PM (EGVPL)

33 H, You know I'll be happy to host Luuka in New Orleans (that is one fabulous bear!), but I think there are other New Orleanians who have already signed up, and there's only so much debauching one bear can take!

Posted by: Jennifer at January 30, 2004 12:03 AM (rVeel)

34 Luuka can come up here to Idaho to do some team roping and accompany me to a track meet if she would like...I promise I won't make her dig potatoes or anything!

Posted by: Tami at January 30, 2004 12:36 AM (3pAY1)

35 You know, I think that is one of the coolest things I've ever heard...to have a stuffed bear travel the globe with a little travel journal. I have not put myself on the list for Luuk or for Luuka at this point because I have no idea when she would get to me and where I'll be. After September or October, I will have a MUCH better idea and if Luuka is still traveling, I'll put my name on the list then. In the meantime, I can't wait to see the places she goes.

Posted by: Serenity at January 30, 2004 12:58 AM (3XIYy)

36 wetwired is still wanting to host...

Posted by: pylorns at January 30, 2004 02:02 AM (fD1hc)

37 Crap, my day job got in the way of fun again as I couldn't check this site until now. But maybe if I am lucky, I'll see Luuka around Christmas 2004. Send Luuka here to the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains.

Posted by: Marie at January 30, 2004 02:41 AM (3Y1np)

38 I think Luuka should spend some quality time in the mountains of Beautiful British Columbia! It will be a million years before she gets here, i'm sure but I'd like to give her a tour of Golden! I'll take her up the gondola and have dinner with her at the highest mountain in north america...and yeah...that's about all we've got. But she'll have fun! I promise!

Posted by: Laura at January 30, 2004 03:31 AM (blOFA)

39 Wow. So, I'll be like.. dead before Luuka can get here. But.. If it's possible to get her over here to Australia one day, I'd dig it enormously. She'd chill in Brisbane for awhile, and, of course, Surfers Paradise, where all the tourists MUST go beachin'. I'm sure Luuka would appreciate the nubile semi-clothed boys with boards around here. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie and all that. Damn you, flu, for not allowing me to comment before half the free world beat me to it.

Posted by: Meg at January 30, 2004 04:01 AM (1aD7e)

40 I would love to have the chance to host Luuka! Although from the looks of the list it will be sometime next year *g* I'd show her all around the Northeast!

Posted by: Onyx at January 30, 2004 04:39 AM (DItkO)

41 Luuka in Calcutta, India. I'm sure she would have a nice time and I'll be happy to take her all around.

Posted by: plumpernickel at January 30, 2004 04:52 AM (kWwd6)

42 While many of the lady-folk of Hong Kong will be upset poor Luuk will not be joining us, we look forward to Luuka coming instead. If she gets here in time she'll even be coming on holidays for a week and a half. Unfortunately that means she'll be sojourning in Asia for at least 3 weeks. Selfish - yes. Do I make apologies? - No. Who knows when she'll be back here again?

Posted by: Simon at January 30, 2004 06:25 AM (UKqGy)

43 You are all on the list! And Clancy I love your blog. I check it daily. Suz, if you ever tell me your site, I will check it, too. Blogs suck in the beginning, pure and simple. Mine sure did (and sometimes sucks now).

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 07:52 AM (LQOkh)

44 I think Luuka should come to Brisbane twice!

Posted by: melanie at February 01, 2004 11:54 AM (jDC3U)

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Break-ups, at least in my experience, tend to be quiet affairs. It's not the stuff that Hollywood portrays a break-up as. It's not really any sobbing, wrenching, pleading kind of spectacle. Grief from a break-up is private. In all of the relationships I have ever had but one (where I was pushed around a bit), my break-ups have been quick, just a few words to actually pontificate the endless stream of words that really mean "It's over", and the participants grieve and cry in private.

Most of the time you never hear the relationship break. It just does. It starts with a little crack in the foundation, which happens when you aren't paying attention. Just a small split in the bottom of a wall. And any home-owner will tell you that a crack, if not contained, will just grow and grow, and sprickle off into a vine of other cracks. The walls begin to bow, the ceiling falls in, the stairs go wonky. You do finally reach a point where the cracks are so great that you can spend all of your time trying to repair them, or you can move.

And in my home relationship, we are moving.

We had another version of "The Talk" on Friday night when I was sufficiently liquored up. He told me he believes he will stay here in the house for the year, and can do if I pay my half of it until May (which I think is fair and will do). He said he wants to get started on his life again, and I need to get my belongings over to England as soon as humanly possible.

I am still breath-takingly stressed over the visa question, which hangs in the air like so much chest-squeezing fear (and the rejection of my Swedish citizenship just another slap in the face by this country. I get it. I am useless and not welcome here. I get it.) I got the Dream Job, I have the chance to start over...now I am waiting for one administrative detail that could make or break my dreams. Dream Job won't sponsor the visa, since it means they must go before some government board and swear there are no local candidates who can fill this job, which in this time of economic recession, there surely are.

If I don't get the visa and get out of here, I will just take to my bed and never get back out again. It's that simple. So I sit here by my pc hoping the UK government will believe in me, and as I have been hit with the flu today, I sit here in feverish, angry misery.

Partner Unit's mother has offered to take our beautiful dog. They love him madly, and I have to be honest-he will get a better life living in the countryside with a retired couple than he will with me-a mommy that works all day while he stays home in a flat in the outskirts of London. It breaks my heart to lose my Partner Unit, my house, my dog, and my history all in one go, but I don't see any other way.

I talked to Dear Mate a bit. I told him that I hurt like mad knowing that Partner Unit has wasted 5 years of his life on me. That I am upsetting his life and breaking his heart. And, as Dear Mate said on the phone, the only thing Partner Unit is guilty of is loving me too much.

I can't express how much this hurts. Partner Unit and I went to the grocery store together, and I thought about what a great guy he is. He is mad about me, and most of the time he is wonderful and kind, sweet and attentive. It's true-I cannot talk to him about deep, personal issues and his temper is scary and vicious, the stuff that makes me cower in nervousness, but the rest of the time he is a great partner.

And I am breaking his heart, and I feel terrible about it. He even turned to me in the car and told me the single thing he wanted most in life is to just be with me and love me.

I am the worst person in the world. And I have to be honest-so far, this break-up hurts worse than the break-up with Kim.

Partner Unit has started clearing out things. The burning and purging that I have been going through since losing my job, the throwing out of possession and items. Boxes placed in the hallways and cellar to be thrown away, items from lives he had before me and during me. And I have started to look around with a narrow eye and a heavy heart, wondering what will be coming with me, too. Will I throw everything out like I did before I came to Sweden? I came with just 10 boxes and a few pieces of furniture. Will I have even less this time?

I tried to hug him last night, to seek comfort in him and with him, but he doesn't want me near. His heart is breaking, my heart is breaking, and I wonder if I can get through everything that is happening without losing my mind, my friendships, or my heart.

And now we have begun taking boxes and boxes to the tip, to throw them away. Him, since he wants no memories of me. Me, since I can't move it to England, in which my last remaining and clinging dreams still linger.

And we are throwing our 5 years together away.

One
Carload
At
A
Time.

-H.

PS-if my posts seem down right now...well, it's cause I am. Something much more positive scheduled for tomorrow.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:56 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 968 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Helen, It sucks. There's no other way to put it. I remember once, really getting injured. Laying there, hurt, and the only thing going through my mind was "well, this is going to suck for a long time." I knew what was ahead of me: a lot of hard work getting back to full health. It wasn't just the injury, it was the sure and certain knowledge that I wasn't going to be myself for weeks. For you, it'll be longer. And there's no good news, only sucky news. I feel awful for you. I often tell you that you have a lot of people pulling for you out here in the ether. And you do. Just keep that in mind.

Posted by: Jiminy at January 28, 2004 07:29 AM (2dTp0)

2 He's right...there are so many people out here pulling for you. There's nothing anyone can say to make this better, but know that we are all here for you. It seems like when things are this bad all anyone wants is someone to talk to, to pour their heart out to...we're all listening, continue to pour away.

Posted by: Laura at January 28, 2004 07:41 AM (blOFA)

3 The breaking up is hard, but you're doing the right thing. You can't stay with him because he loves you, you need to stay with him because you love him, and that's not the case. And you're not "throwing away" 5 years together - you'll always have those 5 years as memories and experiences to live and learn from. We will have to harness the power of blogdom to get your UK visa. Someone must know someone who can help.

Posted by: Simon at January 28, 2004 08:22 AM (GWTmv)

4 *Hugs* 'nuff said.

Posted by: Gudy at January 28, 2004 08:46 AM (WVhXh)

5 This is not an exchange between a woman and her great partner. "He shows up within minutes, livid. "Where the fuck have you been?" he screams at me. Now, I had spent the whole evening before in a state of severe fucked up seasickness. I had had a miserable evening and was tired. I didn't understand what he was talking about. "What?" I asked. "I just got off the boat." Him (screaming): The fuck you did! I was waiting outside of customs. There was no way I could have missed you. So where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?

Posted by: melanie at January 28, 2004 08:50 AM (jDC3U)

6 Yup Melanie-that's one of his anger examples. And that was a tame one. Thanks for the cheering up-ness, guys. I think I just seem to have SO MUCH happening right now, a few things great but much of it bad. Going back to bed with the flu now-but not the bird flu, it's yet another reason why I am glad to be a veggie

Posted by: Helen at January 28, 2004 09:35 AM (h+w8z)

7 I've been where you're at. I've also been where 'Partner Unit' is at. I know it sucks ass now, but you've overcome so much in your life already that I have no doubt you'll land squarely on your feet when the smoke clears and the dust settles. Best of luck with the move and just remember, you're not alone.

Posted by: James at January 28, 2004 09:37 AM (PbT+r)

8 melanie, helen, from my experience it takes two to end a relationship. It´s not healthy, the blame game. Well just my opinion... sometimes things aren´t just suposed to happen, and love just isn´t enough. But I´m throwing some at you. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 28, 2004 10:12 AM (5w3j/)

9 Miguel dearie-I'm not doing the blame game against him-I blame myself.

Posted by: Helen at January 28, 2004 11:28 AM (PZoNF)

10 I have to take exception with something, Helen. He did not waste five years of his life with you. Right now it's difficult - all you can see is right now and right now sucks in a major way. But right now is not the past five years. The two of you have had wonderful times, challenging times, beautiful times, ugly times, tender times...well, you get what I'm saying. That five years meant something, it wasn't wasted for either of you.

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2004 12:15 PM (fkewd)

11 "It´s not healthy, the blame game.", that was the part to remember Helen. Miguel. p. s. - well you got me thinking Helen, dangerous think. I´ve had a song in my mind for quite some time, and today driving to work realized why. Rickie Lee Jones does a Beatles cover, and part of the lyrics go something like: "And in her eyes you see nothing No sign of love behind the tears Cried for no one A love that should have lasted years!"

Posted by: msd at January 28, 2004 12:44 PM (wW77H)

12 msd, I *love* that song, especially as sung by Anne Sofie von Otter. And you're right, it is so very appropriate to the here and now!

Posted by: Gudy at January 28, 2004 01:35 PM (WVhXh)

13 You didn't waste 5 years of anyone's life... I'm a true believer in the concept that everything is a learning experience, and I think both you and PU needed one another in that point in your life. And now, it's time to move on. I'm here for you if you need anything.

Posted by: amber at January 28, 2004 02:53 PM (iJZeQ)

14 I really doubt that your Sweedish citizenship issues have anything to do with the country not liking you. Bureaucrats everywhere don't give a shit about anyone. I doubt PU feels his time was wasted. I was married once, for 5 years, and it was very rocky - I've blocked out most of the details. But it wasn't completely wasted: it taught me a lesson. And I left that marriage (with kids) with nothing but some psychic scars and what I could fit in the trunk of my car. It was a devistating time for me, and I was broken and terrified... but it ended up opening doors for me that I never dreamed were possible. There's always more doors, Helen... there's always more doors.

Posted by: ThatGuy at January 28, 2004 04:44 PM (xyC9p)

15 This may not work for you but I looked at my divorce like the loss of my mother. Something I cherished was suddenly gone and there was nothing I could do to change that. I spent some time grieving for what was lost. I realized there were plenty of good memories and important things learned that I would always keep in my heart. And then I moved on. Instead of focusing on the five years behind you look ahead to 55+ years of potential your life holds in front of you. You're young, you're beautiful (I mean the inner kind, well the other kind too!), and you've got so much more potential than you give yourself credit for. Your job/location don't make you who you are. You will always be the Helen we all know and adore even if you were a bag lady in [insert dreadful place here]. You'd still blog though, right? I hope you're feeling better soon. In every way possible, little flame. (let's see if I don't suck today. *hits enter key*)

Posted by: Paul at January 28, 2004 05:05 PM (bWfDG)

16 i think everything happens for a reason. and as much as this break-up is killing you right now, it will get better. i'm crossing all my fingers and toes in regards to your visa. and i'm sending as much love and positive energy as i can muster your way. *smooch*

Posted by: kat at January 28, 2004 05:20 PM (qEQy+)

17 I tried to hug him last night, to seek comfort in him and with him, but he doesn't want me near. You know I don't exactly like to take up for the Partner Unit, but I can relate to this bit. If you're trying to "get over" someone, about the last thing you need is that person trying to reach out to you. You know that it isn't meant as a tease, yet it feels like a tease. As for Sweden giving you the "you're not good enough" message . . . honey, they're Swedes. That's a compliment.

Posted by: ilyka at January 28, 2004 06:14 PM (xG+4h)

18 Sounds like a rough time, H. Hang in there and best of luck with the visa.

Posted by: Dave at January 28, 2004 08:36 PM (a16BY)

19 No, you're not the worst person in the world; you're human. It takes guts to know when it's time to move on and do it. You do PU the favor of allowing him to get on with his life, and hopefully you will soon be happy with your situation. All my best wishes in this hellish transition period.

Posted by: brj at January 28, 2004 10:05 PM (50rMW)

20 Girl, going through big changes is scary. I just went through a huge one...course, I didn't lose a person in the process but I do understand at least a little. In fact, it's still hard these 4 1/2 months later. Somedays I still question if I made the right move. Did I do the right thing? Time will tell. I really hope I did but sometimes you have to take that leap of faith, take that chance, squeeze your eyes shut, go for it and hope beyond all hope you didn't just screw everything up. Maybe you don't have these particular feelings; it's just my way of saying I am empathetic to your current situation. You can't be "up" all the time, Helen. Don't worry about what we might think if your posts are "down". It's all part of life and we lurves ya during good and bad times. You better know that you will always have us around to listen. That's all we can do right now...and I hope it's enough. You are supported, you are loved and you will be alright.

Posted by: Serenity at January 29, 2004 12:34 AM (3J3iK)

21 Helen - I've been through the whole visa process - in reverse, being a UK citizen trying to work in the US. It's a minefield...and I understand the whole 'company sponsroship' - I tried, and failed, even with a company that was willing to 'appear' to be following the rules, after advertising the position state-wide Human Resources found a reason to dismiss every applicant for my job for one reason or another, leaving me in the frame. Basically though I failed cos the company ended up in administration before the whole process was completed! Hope you have better luck!

Posted by: Phil at January 29, 2004 01:59 PM (K2cNB)

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Exactly one year ago today, I tried to kill myself.

This post is very long, but here is a preface about it: I have a body of writing on my hard drive that is about 510+ pages long, and all rather biographical. I started writing about 5 years ago, and haven't really stopped. But because it was all so personal, I have never done anything about it.

I wrote this as part of a larger body of my thoughts, experiences and feelings after trying to top myself nearly one year ago. I guess I don't really think it's publishable since it's a bit down and a bit close to my heart...so I give it up for my blog since...well... I think it has a home here. I have been more open about my suicide attempt here than with my family.

I have to be honest here-sometimes I wished I had succeeded.

I wrote this during the end of January, 2003. It was a few days after I was home from the hospital, home from the night I tried to kill myself. It is the true account of what happened to me that night in the hospital, complete with all my thoughts and feelings.

It's a long one, and I'm sorry about that, but maybe it makes up for my silence yesterday.

-H.

-Oh, and for the original suicide telling, please see here.

************************

Sitting upright on the gurney, an IV in my hand, an EKG strapped to my chest, and Partner Unit looking like he is in hell, I realize that I am not in control of this situation. I blew it. The nurse comes in and looks me in the eye.

'Hi Helen.' She says. 'I'm Marie.'
I nod my greeting back.
'Helen, can you tell me why you did this?' she asks quietly.

Ah, the big question. As though I had any kind of answer that would be appropriate for anyone. What answer would be acceptable to people? That I have had enough? That I am tired? That I am carrying deadly bacteria that would eliminate mankind and must thus consider myself the sacrificial victim?

The tears start up again. 'No, I honestly can't. Why does everyone keep asking me that? There is no why. I just did. I am just tired. Something inside me kind of broke, and I just couldn't take this. I just did.'

She nods, writing on a tablet. My own personal Rosetta Stone of sanity. To be preserved across time as the moment that Helen, insignificant Helen, finally lost control. Years from now someone would read it and need to look up 'fruit loop' in some archaic dictionary. I look at Partner Unit, sitting there, so tall in the chair. There are deep lines in his face that I have never seen before, lines that I have put there. In that moment, I realize the worst thing in the entire world would have been if he had come home to find me dead. It would be unforgivable. Of all the things in the world that I could have done to him-cheating on him, selling all of his possessions on e-bay, serving him macaroni and cheese from a powdered mix-this is the one act that could never, ever be resolved, and could never, ever be excused.

The most atrocious crime I could ever commit would be to make someone who loves me face that. And I almost did that to him. He raises his eyes, to look at me, and he smiles a bit.

Suddenly, I realize how close I came to ruining everything and losing him. And I realize that after I make myself better, I need to make him better. Because, unlike me, the only thing he ever did wrong was love me. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved like this by him, maybe I don't love him the way he loves me, but he is taking his chances, has thrown caution to the wind, and indicated to fate the person he wants on his team. And I need to do a better job of carrying the team to victory. Maybe we will win, maybe we won't-but I let my captain down. And I have to fix it.

Another nurse walks in and hands a large black bottle to the head nurse, who starts to shake it. I stop trying to cover the gaping mouths that I have left on my wrists, further attempts to ensure that the sweet smell doesn't pass me by. She catches me looking warily at the bottle, and smiles.

'This,' she says, 'is activated charcoal. The medication you took is toxic in the dosage that you took it in, and this charcoal will bind to the medication and help break it down. You will need to drink the whole bottle.'

She unscrews the lid and unceremoniously hands it to me. I take a sniff, and get a scent of something almost metallic, and harsh. One sip later, and I am one hundred percent convinced that I will make damn sure to never take too many pills again.

Or else to next time be confident that I do.

Later, I find myself rocking back and forth on the edge of the chair, the nurse looking sympathetically at me. I don't know why I am rocking'¦the movement is soothing and disturbing, simultaneously. Tears keep rolling down my face, and nothing I say or do seems to be able to stop them from appearing. I recklessly wipe them off my face with a hand, bundled tightly into the sleeve of my sweater. I can't stop hiding the slashes on my wrists. I don't want anyone to see them, or know about them. If I just keep them hidden, maybe I can make sure that they won't look at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I can keep my troubles to myself.

I had been taken to the psychiatric intensive care ward, to be admitted for one night. An orderly led me on the way, through a maze of concrete tunnels underground, beneath the hospital that reminded me of a sad juvenile delinquent film with Brad Pitt in it. I wondered if I would meet the same fate (I guess not, as I am not a twelve-year-old male in the Bronx). Thick, heavy pipes laced the ceiling, ending abruptly above thick steel doors that were not labeled, and looked like the kind of doors you would find on a submarine. The orderly is trying to keep up the small talk, but all I hear is background noise, gibberish.

We stop at a bank of elevators, and take one up three floors. We get off and turn in front of another one of those submarine type doors, and the orderly removes absolutely the most amazing key ring I have ever seen-I had no ideas that many keys could be found in the whole city, let alone in one hospital. He unlocks the door and ushers me inside. I find I am in a small vestibule, and once he shuts and locks the door behind us, he unlocks the other one in front of us. This one has a curtained window over the top half. A window with bars.
Which puts me here, in a waiting room full of rattan furniture and more chairs than I have ever seen in any hospital area ever. Orderlies come and go like worker ants, checking to see if the queen is content. The nurse, however, never moves.

She continues to stare kindly at me, asking me reassuring questions in soothing tones. I can't really make out what she's saying, the only thing I know is that I have never felt so tired in my entire life. I actually ache inside my eyelids, as though the swelling and the need for sleep will threaten to sprain them.

'Helen.' She asks. And this one I hear. 'What do you want?'
I look at her, and open my thick mouth. 'I want to sleep.' I whisper. 'I want to sleep, and I don't want to wake up once with nightmares or anxiety.'
She nods. 'Do you often do that.'
I nod. 'Every night.'
'In this place, tonight, you will be safe. You will only sleep, and no one will disturb you. The medication we give you will make you calm, and make you sleep all night. I promise.'

In that moment, I have never felt a feeling of such deep and utter gratitude. I would have wrapped my arms around her and cried out my thanks, if I had been capable of moving. I felt as though someone finally understood my aching need.

I turn to Partner Unit and hold him tight. I can't remember the last time that I fit so well into the curves of him. Sometime before I lost my mind, I guess. Sometime back when I was still able to function. I remember being held like that by him, and I remember wanting it, too. What had happened?

He places a big hand on the side of my face. 'It'll be ok, Helen. I will be back first thing in the morning for you. Tonight, you will sleep and feel a bit better in the morning.'

I look at him and ache. 'Promise me you won't make me stay here. Promise you will come get me out of here tomorrow.' I whisper.

He kisses my forehead. 'I promise.' He whispers back. He hands me an overnight bag that he had packed for me, and walks away.

The nurse reaches out her hand, and takes my hand in it. We walk solemnly to the bedroom, where two orderlies await. With a glance to me, they reach for my bag and open it, and start removing my belongings. Almost everything is deemed dangerous or prohibited, until at the end the only thing I have left is my toothbrush, a change of clothes, a hairbrush, and a book. Whatever. Like I could kill myself with my MD player.

Another nurse walks in and hands me a small plastic cup, with two pills in it. I down them, chased with a glass of water that had also been produced. I am led into a dark room, where an old woman lies in the other bed, watching me. She has draped her clothes over every chair in the room, and I find, rather than touch her belongings or be burdened with the hindrance of conversation, I drop my things on the floor next to me.

The room smells of old people. It is her scent, a scent bordering on sickening sweetness, of talcum powder and ancient sweat. I hate that smell, to me it's the smell of decrepit aging. I want to dash the corners of the room in rubbing alcohol to take away the scent, but since I am not even allowed to have soap, I am sure that's on the banned list.

The orderlies go and I lay down, begging, aching, yearning for sleep to overtake me. To fill my head and eyes with blackness, no visions, no dreams, no other sense of reality. I feel my body relax, and scrunch up next to the surprisingly comfortable pillow and hear the rubber sheets beneath me squeak against the gurney.

And, of course, I can't fall asleep.

The old woman starts snoring. Loudly. And she wheezes and laughs and talks in her sleep as well. I try shutting my eyes, tuning out the world. My stomach is bloated and thick feeling, full of pills and charcoal. I cannot sleep.

I go padding out into the hallway, looking for the doctor. I am nervous-is this the part where a number of orderlies charge me, thinking I am dangerous, and lock me in a padded cell? Or do they try to do horrible and disgusting things to me? Or just pat me on my head and look at me like I am simple?

They do none of these. Instead, I am led to a quiet and empty room to allow me to sleep in peace. Scarily enough, this is the room for the ones who go into violent psychotic episodes. The beds all have thick leather straps, the windows are barred and the room stripped of any furniture save the three beds. The nurse reassures me that I am only here for the chance to sleep, they will not strap me in and don't think I am dangerous.

They turn out the light. I lay down, and fall asleep almost instantly.

I am awoken a few hours later. A nurse stands at the door telling me there is breakfast ready in the main room, if I want any. My brain protests, begging me to go back to sleep. Tells me that it is still under the influence of the medication, and to lay back down. My tongue, on the other hand, takes a sucker punch at my brain and demands some juice to get the glue-like feeling out of my mouth. Mouth wins. I pull the thick sheet-like robe over me and totter out into the light hallway, feeling dizzy and weird from all of the medication. I hold onto the wall for support, feeling the palm of my hand slap against the cold wall as weave my way towards the main hall.

When I get there, the TV is on. It's the weather guy, predicting more snow. A look out the big window confirms he may possibly know what he is talking about, as the flurries come down. A couch full of people turns their head immediately and looks at me, and I realize that they are all nurses and orderlies, checking me out. I stumble over to a table laden with food, and realize there is no juice. I take a half cup of coffee and look for the milk, but I see that the red plastic mug with the milk is empty.

I can't drink coffee without milk.

I stand there holding the half cup of coffee, not sure what to do. A man comes up, takes some coffee, and says hello. I look at him in horror, then put the cup down and hurry back to my psychotic bedroom. A nurse stops me on the way, introduces himself, and tries to shake my hand. I do so, realizing that the cuts on my wrists are obvious. I squelch myself against the wall, stuff my hands in the arms of my sweater, and hurry back to bed.

As sleep begins to tumble back over me, I realize that I am acting like a madman.

It must be this place.

I wake up a bit latter and see a fuzzy silhouette standing in the door, looking at me. It is a tall man, with dark hair and a green sweater. When he sees that I am awake, he bolts out of the room, and I see his hospital bracelet as he grabs the frame of the door.

Great. A patient has been standing here watching me. I shudder slightly, close my eyes, and, feeling the weight of my eyelids, fall asleep again.

A while later I am woken up by a man holding a piece of paper and a handful of cash. It's an orderly, and he looks closely at me.

'Jane?' he asks.
I sit up, rubbing my hand over my face. 'What?' I reply.
'Jane?' he replies, looking at me.
'Jane is my middle name. I go by Helen.' I reply.
He nods. 'I'm doing the shopping now. Do you want anything? Do you have any cash?'
Head fuzzy. I am clearly not catching what he is throwing at me. 'I'm sorry, I don't understand. What are you doing?'
'Twice a day we come through and offer to pick things up that you don't have here. Magazines, cigarettes, that kind of thing. Do you want anything, do you have any money with you?'
I shake my head. 'My wallet is at home, but I don't need anything. I am going home today anyway.'
He gives me a closed smile, and I feel a sharp stab of fear tweak its way into my stomach. I stand up. 'I am going home today.' I state again. He looks at me. 'I am going home today?' I say a third time, but this time it squeaks out in the form of a question.
'The doctor will be seeing you in about ten minutes. How about you get ready to meet her?' he asks kindly.

Oh God. I may be stuck here. Trapped. I hurriedly brush my hair and teeth and head out into the main room.

There are many more people there now than there were at the failed coffee expedition. Patients this time, and at least two nurses per patient. In one corner, an old woman is painting pictures that one could expect to see in a portfolio done by a seven year old. A girl is going up and down the hallway, asking every person she sees if they have a cigarette. This must be routine, since every single person shakes their heard and replies 'Sorry, Martine.' In a chair in a far corner a man is huddled into himself, barely a lump, watching the TV. Another man is rocking back and forth, trying to tear apart a newspaper.
I am waiting for Roger Rabbit to run across the hallway at any minute now. Or someone to come out and yell 'Cut!' and all of the patients would then light up a cigarette and talk about the latest in the actor's union. Surely this can't be real.

I wish the walls could swallow me up. Then this would all go away. My wrists sting, and my stomach still feels packed full of concrete. At least I have missed meals for the past 24 hours, I could hope to be a bit thinner soon. Attempted suicide may become the new fad diet, activated charcoal the new diet nutrient. Forget those shakes in a can!

I walk into the doctor's room, accompanied by an enormous intern who looks like he couldn't decide whether to go to med school or a gym. He nods at me in greeting, sitting down across from me. 'I'm Tom.' He says slowly.

He must think I am really thick. Hey man-I'm crazy, not ignorant. But then again maybe it's a good thing he said it slowly-if he talked fast then I would totally expect the white rabbit to come tearing through. The gray matter is not cooperating so well. Another man walks in, shorter but well-built.

Tom nods towards him. 'Helen, this is Manuel. He is a handler, and is here for the safety of all involved.'
I look at Tom, and feel the corner of my mouth go up. 'So, he's here in case I try to rush you guys, or something like that, feel the urge to do a round or two?'
Tom stares closely at me. 'Are you currently feeling any hostile or violent tendencies, Helen?'
Oops. Wrong audience. 'No, sorry, Tom, I'm not. Bad joke. Sorry.'
He nods. Seconds later, the head doctor comes in, a woman in the early-forties or so. Well-dressed, with sparkly gold earrings. She reaches out a hand. 'Hi, Helen, I'm Susan.'

She sits down and adjusts the numerous papers on her lap, and tucks her hair behind her ear. I am very conscious that I am in my pajamas, and that I am not wearing any underwear. I try to look sane.

'Helen, can you tell me why you did this?'
Oh for fuck's sake. I thought of anyone she would know not to ask crap like that.
I look at her, and feel the bags under my eyes leaping out. 'I don't know.' I replied, trying to keep my voice even. 'Why does everyone ask me that?'
She looks at me in her 'I'm analyzing you' psychiatrist-look. I wonder how I am measuring up. She sighs, and folds the ends of her fingers over the papers in her lap. 'Helen, I'm afraid that you have been assessed as a real danger to yourself. We think that you may be, based on info you gave the nurse and our talks here, manic-depressive, however more tests are needed. We are ordering you into hospital care.'

I feel my heart stop.

**************************

They were wrong, I am not manic-depressive. I do have another problem, which I may talk about someday, but in the meantime...just remember-life isn't ours to choose if we want to walk away from or not.

It's as Rob Part said-Life is hard but the only game in town.

Batter up.

-H.

PS-It's official. Luuk is gone, may he rest in peace. I hope that his last known host, Jean, is ok. If people are interested, I can launch a Luuk II campaign. Let me know. Poor Luuk-he was a really special little guy.

PPS-to my anonymous benefactor, you absolutely made my day. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You brought a much-needed smile to my face Thank you, thank you, thank you.

UPDATE-I have been denied Swedish citizenship due to a glitch in the visas I have had-apparently Sweden doesn't count my first two years here as being here, since I had a work permit, not a residence permit. I am utterly bereft now, and working like mad to secure a work visa. If I do not get one, I lose Dream Job.

And all my dreams with it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:51 AM | Comments (31) | Add Comment
Post contains 3595 words, total size 19 kb.

1 That is an amazing and powerful story. All I can say is thank you for sharing - it takes more guts than most people have. It sounds like the why you did it is not important anymore anyway; your quotes "life isn't ours to choose if we want to walk away from or not" and "Life is hard but the only game in town" show that. And this blog and all the comments you get. You're way too precious to too many people now. As to Luuk, we need to know the story. Where has he gone? I've been waiting for months for him. I'm putting hand up for Luuk II's first visit. I'll pray for the little guy.

Posted by: Simon at January 27, 2004 10:40 AM (UKqGy)

2 I am... humbled, and awed, and angry (not at you!), and most of all, at a loss for words. I hesitate to leave a comment because your words almost feel like they are meant to stand as they are, but some of what you wrote hit too close to home, and I can't for the life of me find an email addy on your site... I think very highly of you, and neither this stunning account, nor its length, nor the lack of yesterday's updates will change this, so please stop making excuses for something that doesn't need them. "Life isn't ours to choose if we want to walk away from or not." I vehemently disagree. There *are* cases where I agree, such as if you were to leave behind children or other people who are depending on you for their livelyhood, or for whom you are otherwise responsible (which does not necessarily include spouses, friends, etc.). But in general, I disagree strongly. Which is also why I'm opposed (its such a weak word for my feelings, but will have to do) to hospitalizing someone against their will on the grounds that they are a danger to themselves. Having had more than one occasion, both professional and private, to see the insides of a psychiatric care ward, I never cease to be amazed at the utter bleakness these places radiate. You practically have to be out of your mind to stay in such a place for any length of time and not get suicidal with the sheer depressiveness of the surroundings. And don't even get me started on the diagnostic and caring abilities in many wards. When healthy students hospitalize themselves as a test and only get out of the wards between 7 and 40 days later, many of them groundlessly diagnosed with schizophrenia or manic depression, that doesn't give me much confidence in these places...

Posted by: Gudy at January 27, 2004 10:59 AM (WVhXh)

3 This was one post that is so humbling that one doesn't know what to say. You write very well, I could almost see very vividly, your experience. {hugs} Too bad about Luuk, I was looking forward to having him here in India. I second the introduction of Luuk II. All the best for your citizenship problems, I really wish you do not lose your dream job. My fingers are crossed for you.

Posted by: Melodrama at January 27, 2004 11:32 AM (pCkvE)

4 I wasn't going to comment, because, as Gudy said, the words feel as though they should just stand as they are. But then I wanted to make sure that you knew people (namely, me) were reading, holding their breath, and completely feeling you throughout that entire post. RE: Luuk II I'm for it. I'd be interested in taking Luuk II into Surfers Paradise and such. Possibly Brisbane. The possibilities are endless. And the joy, oh how it might spill forth.

Posted by: Meg at January 27, 2004 11:47 AM (np1mx)

5 That was amazingly powerful, Helen. You continue to awe me with how much you can share of yourself. I can't imagine being anywhere near as open on my own blog. You're truly an inspiration. As I was reading that post I kept wondering if it could help somebody. Maybe someone who was considering suicide might not take that step, might seek other help, were they to read about your experiences. I think a new Everyday Bear is a definite must but he'll need a new name. Luuk was special and we musn't cheapen his memory by trying to replace him, eh? Bring up the reserves to fill the post but forget not the fallen warrior. I can't believe the M&Ms failed. Bloody Swedes must be chocolate mojo haters. I'll start redirecting our efforts towards the Brits. We're all pulling for you, H.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2004 11:58 AM (fkewd)

6 Re: citizenship: Please say it ain't so! So it's back to keeping my fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes, and hairs crossed for you.

Posted by: Gudy at January 27, 2004 12:36 PM (WVhXh)

7 Helen, your life is such a roller coaster. Please take good care of yourself. Get another Luuk bear - the rest of us promise to take good care of him.

Posted by: Beth at January 27, 2004 01:32 PM (BISbu)

8 Roller coaster is a pretty fitting term for it. I will indeed be getting the next Everyday Representative, likely tomorrow, so that we can shower Simon with the attention he is due. And yup, Gudy, the citizenship was denied. I am a wreck. Tranquilizers, anyone?

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2004 01:46 PM (UvrHI)

9 Helen, I was very glad to read this (and to see your comment on my blog) for you had me worried - "I feel broken" followed by a bottle of wine and silence. I am glad that my fears were not true. For the rest, all I can say is to keep plugging. Trite and banal as it is, sometimes we improve the world for a day by waking up and getting some things done. Ted K.

Posted by: Ted K at January 27, 2004 02:26 PM (bUIG8)

10 H- Just know that we here REALLY are pulling for you and wish you only the best. I, frankly was worried sick about you yesterday. Must have checked in 6 or 8 times during the day to see if you were still here. It's the mother in me, I guess. A new representative would be a lovely idea. And I agree with Jim that he should stand on his own and not be a Luuk II. I was SO looking forward to entertaining him here in KC. Maybe a Royals Game and some BBQ afterward. Love to you Suz~

Posted by: Suz~ at January 27, 2004 02:32 PM (1HaWw)

11 well, I don't know what to say ... I'm rooting for you. I don't know if you are the kind to accept animal sacrifices, but I've got some small lizards in the yard that I need to root out and get rid of anyway -- maybe a large rodent or two. Failing that, you have my prayers (such as they are) heading skyward for you, and hopes that good things come to you. Be well, Helen; be well. You are appreciated, nee, even loved. Our thoughts are with you, and if they carry any tangible weight at all, know that you are wrapped in them. Siochan, Kylan

Posted by: Kylan at January 27, 2004 02:51 PM (d18ri)

12 Forgive my ignorance or me missing something along the way (being a late joiner), but what is your natural citizenship, and can't you use that to get the job in the UK? Work visa, etc...?

Posted by: Phil at January 27, 2004 03:06 PM (K2cNB)

13 Phil-Actually, I am an American This means that I cannot use my citizenship to get a job in the UK. I posess a Swedish residence permit, which is valid only in Sweden. I qualify for Swedish citizenship (other than the glitch in visas) and was going for it, as it would allow me to work anywhere in the EU without needing a work visa. Work visas in the EU are usually taken care of by the company who hires you, but since the economy is so shit, they aren't doing it-them providing one for me means they must go before the government and say that there is no one locally qualified to do the work. Since there are so many unemployed, that's not generally the case anymore. This work visa that I am applying for is basically my last shot. If I don't get it...well...I am really, really fucked. Suz, Kylan and Ted-thanks for worrying about me. Things are pretty rocky for me right now, so it's nice to know you're out there.

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2004 03:11 PM (UvrHI)

14 Oh, and Kylan-I like lizards, so don't sacrifice them. Got any spiders?

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2004 03:12 PM (UvrHI)

15 hmm, your story felt familiar. except it's been 3 years for me. things WILL get better. xoxoxox

Posted by: kat at January 27, 2004 03:52 PM (FhSIP)

16 Helen, You have a most wonderful gift in your ability to write. I have been reading your blog long enough now that it really shouldn’t surprise me, but you constantly amaze me in your ability to capture a scene, the emotion, and sheer power of any situation – whether it be something as serious as this post, or as lighthearted as “Putting it Away.” I have read many published books that failed miserably compared to you. There is no doubt in my mind that you will persevere. As for the Visa - My suggestion is for all us American readers to start boycotting Swedish products. That means no more Swedish Fish (they’re bad for your teeth anyway), and if you have one of the Company X phones and haven’t smashed it yet – do it! Finally – go outside and punch the first Volvo you see. That’ll teach those silly Swedes to mess with our Helen! :-)products.

Posted by: Clancy at January 27, 2004 03:53 PM (EGVPL)

17 Wow...Helen...all I can say is wow. Our poor Luuk. I'm with Jim. Luuk was special. As much as we do need new bear we need to rename it. How bout Luuka ...little bears sister.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 27, 2004 03:57 PM (0i1dP)

18 Thank you so much for sharing your life with all of us who read your weblog. I'm keeping good thoughts for you and your visa problems.

Posted by: amber at January 27, 2004 03:58 PM (iJZeQ)

19 Wow, sometimes you leave me speechless...i don't know how to respond right now to your post except to say that if you had suceeded in your suicide attempt, my life as well as others that you have touched in the last year, would not have been the same. And about Luuk...that just sucks!

Posted by: Marie at January 27, 2004 04:18 PM (PQxWr)

20 helen, I´m offering again to entertain Luuk over here. And if not Luuk, its small sister . I´m printing your post and will read it on the way home... can´t wait! Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 27, 2004 04:30 PM (wW77H)

21 Eek! I can't sacrifice spiders -- my nickname is Spyder -- how about the rodents instead? a couple of moles, maybe a vole, or a rat? not the cute white 'pet' rats -- I'm talking field rats here, a foot long, ugly, and mean ? Ever seen the movie "Of Unknown Origin" ?? Ky

Posted by: Kylan at January 27, 2004 05:32 PM (d18ri)

22 Oh, Helen, I wish...I wish so many things for you, and I can't make any of them come true. Perhaps just saying them will help. I wish you had someone to comfort you, and coddle you, and bring you soup, and wash your hair, and generally mother you. I wish the rules weren't glitched like that, that you could have your visa - any way to appeal? I wish medicine were advanced enough to simply correct our chemical imbalances, to lose the stigma and despair of mental illness. In the meantime, all I can do is give you my best wishes, and my good will. *hugs*

Posted by: Courtney at January 27, 2004 05:40 PM (kG7EZ)

23 It is too bad about Luuk. I had such big plans. I would like at this time to enter my full support behind "Luuk II - The Revenge of Luuk"

Posted by: Guinness at January 27, 2004 06:11 PM (5jKa8)

24 Courtney-you made me cry-the good tears. Thank you.

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2004 06:18 PM (O7oDa)

25 And Guinness and Miguel, your names are now absolutely added to the new Luuka list! Thanks, boys-love ya' for that.

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2004 06:22 PM (O7oDa)

26 Helen- Once again you leave me speechless. You are amazing. All my best wishes, prayers and good thoughts to you for your future.

Posted by: Kandy at January 27, 2004 07:46 PM (fnOQ7)

27 Dearest Helen, I can only imagine your pain and worry at the moment but please hold on. Things have been better before and they will be again. I maybe stateing the obvious here but have you tried asking Dream Job if they will ask the Home Office for a visa for you? Now that the visa in Sweden has fallen through? Any chance they will tell you how long you have to wait for another shot at a visa? Any chance a British friend can marry you? I would but i am a girl : ) Helen, along with everyone else here i just want you to know, if there is anything i can say or do that will help just let me know. Abs xxxx

Posted by: abs at January 27, 2004 08:06 PM (lnpfn)

28 As always H, you move me. Please know that before I go on to two less important points in this post. First, what happened to Luuk? And second, about your work visa... Does that mean I can fork over the cash and get my own? I'm sorry. I'm still kinda floundering on this whole overseas move thing. Why is it that, even though the big things you write about always make an impression on me, it is always the little tidbits I write you about?

Posted by: amy t. at January 27, 2004 09:30 PM (k88Qs)

29 well helen, I had the shortest train ride home, ever. I printed both your post and the "original suicide telling". 35 minutes in a flash. Lots of memories poped up, and in a random way here go some: Amelie Poulin is the greatest, two huge fans here. I´m glad to be a boy. Among other reasons because women in my family, on both sides actually, are suicide prone. Granmother, mother, sister, aunt, great grandmother... all great women, but selfish in the way you pointed. I am not judging, its just plain fact. So a lot of what you wrote felt familiar. Hospitals, psychiatric intensive care ward for weeks internment... had my share. When visiting my sister, I met another girl there, who also tried suicide. She went for the wrists thing, my sister tried pills (the irony beeing she fell asleep during that particular atempt). She lacked self esteem, and tought I was hot or something, she was so horny all the time. She was also very very ashamed of the scars in her wrists. I felt so powerless, so weird. I can only imagine what you went thru. Why isn´t love the magical and ultimate drug, that makes one ok with himself? Be patient, and be yourself. In whatever proportions you can. Love from here, Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 27, 2004 11:32 PM (5ZEBq)

30 Wow that post really hit home, you have been thru more than most people have in a lifetime in a short while, good luck on the visa...

Posted by: cheryl at January 28, 2004 12:27 AM (/kuVz)

31 Helen, I don't know what to say. But I feel I should say something. Anything. You realy do know how to affect me like no other writer I have ever known. I will send good thoughts to you. I hope for the best with your work to get a work visa. Please, please, please

Posted by: Rob at January 28, 2004 05:37 AM (zxA1f)

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Despite the thrill of landing my Dream Job and the nail-biting I am doing regarding my citizenship, I find today that I am broken.

Yesterday was a rough day. Not only did the temperature get to -20, but I had to go to the career counselling program as established by Company X for those of us losers that they let go. And this counselling program has a whole team set up just to handle the masses of people that Company X has sloughed off. The rooms were not well-lit, the job posting board was nearly bare, and the woman told me I already needed to sign up for the itty-bitty unemploymeny pay offered by the state, since I and all the other refugees of telecom would not be finding a job anytime soon.

I did not tell her I have a job, which I do, although the start date is still ambiguous. Company X wants me to jump through hoops for my severance package, so jump I shall. Ironically, I had a phone call Tuesday evening from an English recruiter hoping to hire me to work in Sweden, as they wanted someone who is a native English speaker who can speak Swedish and has a telecom background. Partner Unit went off in a depression that I said no, Mr. Y recommended I chase it up to cover all my bases, so I talked to the recruiter after all and he now has me on the back-burner, in case citizenship and visas fall through.

When it rains, it pours.

And when I walked out of the career counsellor's room, there was a man sitting at the table, looking through the ads, running a gold wedding-ringed hand through his brown hair, which was tinged with grey. His face wore the lines of stress, and I realized with a start that I knew him from Company X. We didn't acknowledge each other, two soldiers lost from the front, and I exited the building to face the bitter dark cold.

I went to bed by 8:00 pm last night, blissfully aided by pharmaceuticals and spent a night in Kafka dreams (which to me are dark and horrible dreams, not dreams where my father turns into a praying mantis and bites my head off). I know others here have been dreaming a lot lately, and so have I. I always dream that I am running, being hunted, and half the time I have to save some children on the way.

I almost always fail.

So due to the darkness that is career counselling, uncertainty over citizenships and visas, disagreements with Mr. Y and Dear Mate, and the continuing upset between Partner Unit and myself, I really am not such a happy camper today.

Anyway, if anyone needs me today, I will be in front of the tv with a bottle of chardonnay. It's just that kind of day.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:15 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 496 words, total size 3 kb.

1 H, Having one of those days, eh? I wish I had the right thing to say to cheer you up. I can, however, let you know that I'll be thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling better. *HUGS*

Posted by: Sue at January 23, 2004 08:42 AM (PbT+r)

2 provided when you wake from your dreams you're still you and not a cockroach you know things aren't too bad. Chin up gal ... if you need a boost just re-read some of your comments - there's a whole highway of love running straight to your door (monitor thingy ... whatever)

Posted by: robert at January 23, 2004 10:48 AM (kXZI6)

3 Doesn't sound like such a bad day. Unless Swedish TV sucks as much as Hong Kong TV. In which case you're in big trouble.

Posted by: Simon at January 23, 2004 11:48 AM (Xt9Q0)

4 Helen i am sorry you have had problems with Mr Y and Dear Mate, i am sure it is nothing that cant be resolved. Actually, fuck, what do i know?! But at least i hope they can be resolved. I know it is the most irriating thing in the world to be told, but i am gonna do it anyway, there are still positive things to hang on to to get you through this difficult time. I am thinking of you petal, Abs x

Posted by: abs at January 23, 2004 01:06 PM (lnpfn)

5 Helen, Things shall work out. Often we are reticent to believe that, but the ineluctable conclusion is that you shall make your way to the new job!

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2004 02:04 PM (UnL3Y)

6 H YouÂ’re going through a stressful period. Even though it may look like things are lining up in your favor, itÂ’s all still a big unknown and that is undeniably stressful. Have faith, drink lots of vino, and take a break. YouÂ’ve earned that much lately. Peace

Posted by: Clancy at January 23, 2004 02:23 PM (EGVPL)

7 Hills and Valleys.

Posted by: ThatGuy at January 23, 2004 04:00 PM (xyC9p)

8 Those places are always ineffably depressing - the scent of pain, fear, and loss, the stress cutting people to the breaking point. *shudder* No wonder you feel like Hell! As for job hunting m'darling, let me share my POV. There are two types of job-hunters in the world. Those who take the first thing that comes by, whether it be as a cashier as a grocery store or as a semi-respected member of their profession, and those who wait, sometimes years, for the perfect job, turning down other, perfectly decent jobs in the meantime. IMHO, those who wait tend to a) get better jobs, and b)be infinitely happier. Now, I'm not suggesting that you're the type who takes the first job that comes along - in fact, I'm suggesting the opposite. You found a job that you *really* want, that you call a "Dream Job". Don't let anyone else nay-say your dreams, honey, no matter how important that person is to you. If they truly loved you, they would tell you to go for the gold, not the bronze. You'll regret your life if you don't. And I understand the dreams. Very plausible, if I do say so myself. But, remember, if you adopt, your biological clock can just damn well keel over and die, because you can adopt at any age! *hugs*

Posted by: Courtney at January 23, 2004 04:27 PM (kG7EZ)

9 So what is on Swedish televison these days?

Posted by: Marie at January 23, 2004 04:46 PM (fiFW3)

10 sit back, relax, watch a movie, drink some wine, curl up with pets, pamper yourself, take a long bath, read a good book. in other words, take good care of yourself and enjoy a quiet day. xoxox

Posted by: kat at January 23, 2004 05:21 PM (qEQy+)

11 Yes Courtney, well put. May I add one more job-hunting type? And this is not suggesting Helen should be this third type but for anyone else to consider. The third type gets so pissed off at the situation that they feel that if they have to have stress, it might as well be the stress of starting a business. Helen, your ability to observe people and capture what they are experiencing in a few sentences adds a great quality to your writing. Many people walk by the slightly grayed brown-haired guy wearing the wedding ring and stress and never notice because they are only thinking about themselves. Sometimes while searching for a job it's good to read the biographies of people who started companies that now employ people such as LeTourneau of (www.letourneau-inc.com & www.letu.edu) or someone in a profession that interests you. Where they started from...

Posted by: Roger at January 23, 2004 05:24 PM (KjAok)

12 I heard a comedian say when he's depressed he takes a 6 pack to the nearest cemetary, sits down, and thinks "I'm doing better than all these guys." Don't allow yourself to get too depressed; you're doing a lot better than a lot of people. Chant it with me, "Dream job, necklace, dream job, necklace, dream job, necklace "

Posted by: Solomon at January 23, 2004 05:37 PM (t5Pi1)

13 Listen up. You are not broken. You might be a bit battered today, but you're not broken. A girl like you doesn't break easily. Read your own archives if you need proof. If you still need proof, well, um. I don't know. Take time, deconstruct (note: I did not say destruct), sit and stew, ponder and reponder, and nap. Napping makes everything better. But remember: you are not broken. nanu nanu.

Posted by: Orsen at January 23, 2004 06:11 PM (7wzrX)

14 I'm going to whole heartedly agree with kat here. Take the day and take care of yourself.

Posted by: Laura at January 23, 2004 06:15 PM (blOFA)

15 What's on tv in Sweden? Sweet fuck all. But that's ok, since I am already drunk. Roger, Jay, Clancy, Curator, and everyone...I'm sorry. I'm a bit of a mess today Orsen-thanks. I mean it.

Posted by: Helen at January 23, 2004 06:55 PM (4QsPZ)

16 and im giving the big FU to my company X today.

Posted by: pylorns at January 23, 2004 07:16 PM (oMGhn)

17 H. Pardon my intrusion, I have admired your courage, wisdom, honesty, openness, and just being a truly real person (which is rare these days) from the upper left corner of your monitor for several months. I have been relutant to speak prior to this posting. I do so today to let you know that you are respected and thought of in warm terms by many more people than you may know. As an older person I just give this personal thought..."The beauty and sweet aroma of the rose petals far outshadow the thorns" (knelling with bowed head, offering a rose)

Posted by: greyheadedstranger at January 23, 2004 08:54 PM (AiWU/)

18 What Orsen said. Wellm except the nanu nanu bit. Don't let the suckers take you down, you hear? Things are looking up for you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Posted by: Gudy at January 23, 2004 10:32 PM (i84WQ)

19 Well done on the job.. always keep a few extra Irons in the fire.. after all.. if nothing else... you can always call back and say "Well.. I appreciate your offer but can't accept.. however.. I know some good people over at Company 'X' who do good work. Last time I lost my job it took me 2 years to find a new job. I made the mistake of breaking my leg.. (and missed only 2 weeks of work). Soon as I was able to walk well again.. they canned me... Dec 1st.. 30 days before my 5th year there.. (and the nice benefits you got for being there 5 years).

Posted by: LarryConley at January 24, 2004 03:05 AM (A4qhf)

20 Hmmmm. Would you look at all these posts, H? I've been deployed for a year now. I have 91 guys that I have to take care of and take care of me. We've gone through some horrible times. We went through them together and it made all the difference. I'm glad you have this many people to care about you to help you make all the difference. p.s. when i'm depressed (and I wont get courts martialed for drinking) boxed wine is best. there's something about sucking the life out of the 'box' that you're trying to climb out of.

Posted by: archi-sapper at January 24, 2004 06:31 AM (ak2l+)

21 Some days are good, and some are not... But hey.. your life is in the upswing now, remember? So be happy!!

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 24, 2004 07:42 PM (JdR2f)

22 As weird as this sounds, I'm really worried about Luuk. Where is he and is he alright? I was really looking forward to showing him some hillbilly fun--I see a major photo essay of the 'Life and Times of Luuk in the Appalachians". In any case, please let me know if he has survived his adventures. Also, on a different note...your blog is one of the first that I click upon given the opportunity. Girlfriend, you are one deep and interesting chick. I only wish you well.

Posted by: Marie at January 25, 2004 03:36 AM (3Y1np)

23 I keep dreaming. And the dreams have recently turned to nightmares. But I can't post about how I'm killing my co-workers in my sleep... something tells me that might come back to haunt me.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at January 25, 2004 05:24 AM (VWUpf)

24 Helen, I'm not a sappy motivational speaker so I'll not tell you to just cheer up. I will say that we have watched you walk a path that has dipped and risen...and we always see you rise again. I hope you can see that too at times like this. But I do hope you cheer up

Posted by: Rob at January 26, 2004 04:33 PM (pL1ga)

25 LUUK - Please come back we miss you! Luuk? Where are you? Luuk? I hope he's ok.....

Posted by: Tiffani at January 26, 2004 08:48 PM (0i1dP)

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If anyone asks me how I would describe my breasts, my response is: Fucking Perfect.

Considering I paid a shed of money to have them reduced 11 years ago, I guess this is a good response. I went from a 40 DD to a perfect 34 C. I had actually wanted a 34 B, but I guess a C is ok. Basically, I wanted petite and delicate breasts that allowed me to view the world of the demi bra. I'm talking scalloped, lace edging, flowery satin patterns, the whole nine yards. I haven't looked back at the enormous "We can hold your breasts and all the breasts in your family at the same time" industrial white bras ever since. Bras are meant to be soft slips of fabric in yellow, black, red, blue.

My breasts are something I am proud of, but I have never been proud of my figure. Ever. I always felt like an overgrown Clydesdale-long legs, broad shoulders, strong arms, enormous feet, chicken pox scar on my chest, round face. Basically the kind of healthy peasant look that men in the Russian Revolution would have been interested. "I'll raise your babies...and your potatoes, comrade!"

Especially when compared to my sister. My sister got the Japanese genes, the good ones (all I got was the inability to stomach alcohol and lactose. Thanks, Dad.) My sister got the high cheekbones, the dark skin and hair, and above all, she got the size 4 figure. She eats anything and everything-burgers, chocolate, chips-and never gains an ounce. Her size 8 sister, on the other hand, has to watch her step.

When I was younger-and even now-I suffered wild eating disorders. Anorexia and I have been friends for years, to the point where people would ask what was wrong with me after taking one look at my exhausted and emaciated face (but ironically the lowest size I ever got down to is a 6. Even anorexia fucks with me.) During one episode I would only eat 4 cheese crackers a day. Then I got better and ate normally. Then I rebounded and I would only eat one sandwich a day, always at the same time of day. Three years ago, my grandmother made a cutting remark that I could be getting fat, so I only had one bowl of soup a day for months, losing weight and my mind in the process.

And in college I really abused laxatives. The thing with laxatives is that your body grows dependent on them, so you begin to be unable to go without them. It wasn't enough to take one tablet...I had to take the whole box, thereby necessitating spending the whole next day on the toilet, the unpleasantly sweet smell of a week's worth of unloading in the bathroom air. Whew...I was a real party girl.

I no longer have the laxative problem, although I do "enjoy" the fun of IBS as a result of those wacky laxative years. Yes, fate. I got the message there. Now go make a Schoolhouse Rocks about binging and purging. I haven't stopped eating deliberately for a long time, but I am a freak about not eating things like cremes, sauces, fried foods, high fat cheeses, etc.

Anyway, last night I was digging through some boxes looking for visa information and I found some photos of me, taken a lifetime ago by Mr. Y. We were on a part of the English coast called the Seven Sisters, which is a series of rounded cliffs overlooking the violent waters of the Atlantic. He and I went there, intending to be tourists.

But he and I never made for the usual tourists.

Once there, in the cool air of the sea balanced by the warmth of summer, he instructed me to remove my clothing. Remember, Mr. Y and I had a submissive/dominating relationship, and I basically did anything he asked. So without further ado, my clothes were discarded and I was standing outside, buck naked, for the very first time in my adult life. I was a little worried about the people very far away, walking on the edge of the cliffs, but I figured...why not?

And Mr. Y lay on the grass and just watched me stand there. Then he removed his camera, and started to take photographs. But I started to not really notice him so much, I just felt the cool breeze lift underneath the crease of my breasts, behind my knees, underneath my sheath of heavy hair at the base of my neck. I felt the lightness on my waist, stomach and hips of being released from clothes, and just allowed to feel the sun. My nipples were hard, which is something they rarely do after the surgery. I even let a hand drift down between my legs, to softly caress myself.

Mr. Y and I spent a lot more time on the cliff that day, but when we developed the pictures later, I was shocked and horrified-my body was so ugly! How could he stand to be with such a fat hippo like me! My God, my body was so revolting, even the Elephant Man was hotter than I was....I remember him looking at me curiously, his brow tightening.

"Helen," he said. "I think you look good in these pictures."

I chucked them in a box and never looked back. I didn't want a reminder of how I am not a size 4 or a size 2. Yes, I can shop in all the shops since I am a common size, but it wasn't enough-I've always wanted to be tiny. But last night I found them and looked at them. I realized, looking at them, that my body hadn't changed a bit (other than a number of skin cancer scars on my back).

And forgive me for saying...I look beautiful.

Yes I have the broad shoulders of a peasant-hook up a plow to me and let me clear your fields! Or better yet, allow your arms to circumference my shoulders and squeeze me tight. The long legs, always such a nuisance before, are strong and well-turned out, like the legs of a pasky and determined colt. My waist is soft and rounded, my hips smooth but with a tiny blip of the pubic bone pointing out the top of them, and my breasts are like soft, beige eggplants.

I have the body of a woman. And maybe trying to battle my way towards the Courtney Cox-dom of achieving a size 4 body is like trying to stuff my curves into a boy's body. This is who I am. These soft curves and soft skin, these freckles, scars, and bones.

I will most likely go on a non-eating stance again. Don't get me wrong, I am not healed a-la-Baptist-revival. It's not like it's something you ever get over. But in the meantime, I have these pictures of a younger Helen standing outside, laughing, exposing her curves to the world.

Be proud of your body. They're shaped the way they are, with every ample bit of variety, for a reason. Why fight what we're given, when we can instead be proud of a curve, a pocket of flesh, a scar? If I were a man, I would rather be with a non-self-conscious size 12 than a skinny and body conscious size 2.

I reckon another visit to the Seven Sisters is in my future.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:41 AM | Comments (42) | Add Comment
Post contains 1246 words, total size 7 kb.

1 I wish I could write the way you do. Btw, Congrats on your new job. Takecare and Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at January 21, 2004 10:26 AM (b1872)

2 You're awesome, Helen. Really.

Posted by: Meg at January 21, 2004 10:32 AM (BQTE/)

3 it was better you show yuor photo instead talking

Posted by: mohsen at January 21, 2004 11:06 AM (e/nyj)

4 You paint a very good mental image of the cliff...though with any cliff facing the Atlantic you'd have goosebumps on your goosebmups! As for bodies...there is no such thing as a perfect body, there are infinite variations on a theme but everyone has their own preference. Some cultures like tiny, some like soft, some like large. I'm married to a woman with a fantastic body...her breasts are an incredible C, firm and shaped like those you'd see in fantasy art books...with perfectly position nipples...fantastic legs (I remember she came to a meeting at a place I worked to discuss web-design and the head tech. couldn't keep his eyes off her. What's my point - I'm not sure, only that to me she looks fantastic, to a Greek she'd be too skinny, to your Russian farmer she'd be too soft, too feminine. And in return she tells me she loves my body, tall and lean, where I see myself as being too lean... So - if you believe you look like a Russian farmer's wife...you just need to find your Russian Farmer, and once you have then that's all that matters.

Posted by: Phil at January 21, 2004 11:15 AM (K2cNB)

5 ...eh eh, someone is feeling better. LOL. Good for you Helen, getting right with yourself is the first and more important step towards getting right with the world. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 21, 2004 12:27 PM (wW77H)

6 Thanks, guys. Phil-not sure I want a Russian, but have nothing opposed to one (maybe it will help me remember my Russian!) Miguel-still working on it Mohsen-No.

Posted by: Helen at January 21, 2004 01:11 PM (lmJQ/)

7 A friend of mine once told me "There's never been a model who was happy with her body. I am, so I win." She didn't look like a model but she was still gorgeous. You remind me of her a lot.

Posted by: Jim at January 21, 2004 01:53 PM (fkewd)

8 I've got another disorder that keeps me on a diet. It's called cheapness. I don't want to spend $1000 on a new wardrobe. Fortunately, my diet just consists of regular exercise and not eating like an ox (I assume they eat a lot). Helen's right about being comfortable with one's own shape. My wife was gorgeous as a 6 and is even MORE beautiful as a 10 after 2 children and 12 years of marriage.

Posted by: Solomon at January 21, 2004 02:15 PM (t5Pi1)

9 Umm-K, How does one go from a 40 to a 34 by having a breast reduction? Aren't the numbers associated with the bra size indicitive of rib cage circumference? Yes, I'm well aware I've missed the point of your post, but I often get hung up on minutia.

Posted by: gymrat at January 21, 2004 02:40 PM (nnOa7)

10 You know, Helen, Mohsen is right, you really should post those pictures. Let us all make our own decisions based on the evidence. And, after all, you know you have Jim's warped mind working overtime on the mental picture anyway, so it would just be a kindness to him. I'm only thinking of your readership, really.

Posted by: Jiminy at January 21, 2004 03:07 PM (zRruH)

11 Way to go ... I realize I have said that a lot lately, but you seem to be growing by leaps and bounds lately. You are not determined or defined by your job, nor are you determined or defined by your body -- you are a beautiful person, and it is certainly about time that you realized it! so again, ~Congratulations! Kylan

Posted by: Kylan at January 21, 2004 03:08 PM (d18ri)

12 Beauty starts from within and radiates outward. You radiate so much you could have tentacles and we'd be too blinded to notice. I realize this is not on par with the mental image you conjured up but I hope you know what I mean. You rock.

Posted by: Paul at January 21, 2004 03:30 PM (bWfDG)

13 You are so right... you've got to be happy with yourself no matter what. That's something I've always had issues with. No one in my family is small, so I doubt I'll ever see a size 4.

Posted by: amber at January 21, 2004 03:31 PM (iJZeQ)

14 There's nothing quite as satisfying as being happy with one's own body. Of course, many people, myself included, see being unhappy with one's body as a sort of self-flagellation - a penance, if you will, for not being "good enough". "I am bad, so my body is bad too, and if I try and fix my body to be perfect, or at least acceptable, then I'll be a better person and people will like me better." IMHO, one is never happy with one's body until one is happy with the person inside. I eat when I'm happy - I like food, I like cooking, I like the presentation, the taste, the smell, the sharing. When I'm depressed, nothing tastes good, nothing is worth eating - and I lose a lot of weight, fast. I'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and sad - and I've been both.

Posted by: Courtney at January 21, 2004 03:32 PM (kG7EZ)

15 H~ I guess I went through some of the same things you have. Intstead of just not eating, I used to take something called Mini thins. Which is supposed to be for breathing problems (Yeah right). Actually, they were a form of speed. But, you could buy them at any convenient store. Anway, they take away your appetite. As a result I would only eat one small meal a day. I looked sickly, after awhile. But, I was completely addicted to them. Eventually I had to stop taking them (6 years later) because my heart was beating too fast, I kept getting pains as well. I also, shook all the time. To make a long story short... once I stopped taking them I gained 15 lbs. It may not seem alot but, I'm only 5'2" and weighed 110 lbs at the time. I'm not exactly happy with my body now but, I feel healthier. Mentally and Physically. That's the key. Being healthy. On a side note. I just wanted to express my happiness for you in every way. Your a great person and I'm grateful that I have come across your site.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 21, 2004 03:46 PM (0i1dP)

16 http://www.beerlovercam.com/breastsize.htm , couldn´t resist sharing this with all of you here. I was allways very curious about all this breast size thing, and wich was what... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 21, 2004 04:06 PM (wW77H)

17 If I were a man, I would rather be with a non-self-conscious size 12 than a skinny and body conscious size 2. Absolutely. I've had all types and the pure unadulterated truth is it all comes down to one thing. Their mind. Seriously. I may be in the minority with that type of opinion, but ask all of us in 30 years and see who'se still happily married... And ditto what Kylan said.

Posted by: Clancy at January 21, 2004 04:11 PM (EGVPL)

18 No problem Tiffani-glad you come here! Courtney got it bang on-when I am good, then I treat my body well. Enter depression, and food holds zero interest. I can't even be bothered to do anything but coffee. When I am happy-well, let's just say I love food and have no problem admitting it. Amber can join us in the "we love our food and our bodies club!" Kylan, Clancy, Solomon, Miguel, Curator and Paul-thank you, dearies Jiminy (and Jim) I have actually been toying with the photo, wondering if I smudged some bits out...Hmmm... Gymrat-I wondered that myself, I thought ribcage circumference was the numerical part, but then I have to believe what the Victoria's Secret label tells me...

Posted by: Helen at January 21, 2004 04:26 PM (I9OSd)

19 It's true; we're never happy with our bodies. There's always supposed to be more here and less there - a different curve, a jutting thinness. It's impossible. Many years ago now an ex convinced me to take nekkid shots during blowjobs. I hated doing it - and I *really* hated the pictures, but he loved them. He saw me whole and didn't mind it at all. You just never know how other people see you. The one man I've ever had openly reject me on the basis of size hurt me deeply, but when he walked away, six guys stepped into his place. He's still single; I'm very much in love with a guy who could not give less of a fuck about my fat thighs. You go, Helen.

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 21, 2004 05:33 PM (WZyYB)

20 Well Helen, if anyone could claim to hold empirical data on bra sizing it would have to be Victoria's Secret. Regardless, I'm quite sure yours are, as you say, "fucking perfect." Funny though, I know of at least a half dozen women who have up-sized from a B/C to a D/DD and would make the same claim in describing their endowment.

Posted by: gymrat at January 21, 2004 05:47 PM (nnOa7)

21 Beautiful post, just beautiful. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it really brought me to tears. Not a moment goes by I'm not thinking about my weight. Thanks for the hope that one day I will be truly happy with my body.

Posted by: Becki at January 21, 2004 05:57 PM (ZHfdF)

22 i can relate to the body issues. when i'm self-conscious i think my head to round, my nose to big, my stomach too fat, etc...and i went through the controlled eating, the laxatives, and such. funny thing is, i was never more miserable than when i hit my lowest weight of 85. i think it's wonderful that you can see the beauty in your body. love it and love it some more. like you, that's something i have to work on constantly, but it's worth it. xoxox

Posted by: kat at January 21, 2004 06:14 PM (qEQy+)

23 It took me years to get some sort of comfort level with my body, kids in school say you are fat, you believe it, I look back at pictures of me when I was young, I was no where near fat, but it stuck in my head. My realization came when trying to be ok with friends and family getting piercings/tattoos and something bothered me about it. I finally figured it out, it was that they were trying to decorate something that is already perfect. Regardless of size, shape, color, we are all the perfect us, and unless we are comfortable with that, no amount of dieting, fiddling, or decoration is going to fix it in our own minds Helen, I think posting those pics would be a cheap shot at getting huge amounts of praise and admiration posted to your comments section. Here's to hoping you not above a cheap shot =) hehehe Dane

Posted by: Dane at January 21, 2004 06:54 PM (ncyv4)

24 The measurement is around the breasts at the exogee (furthest point out) so if you remove breast mass you get a smaller measurement. Helen i am shocked, SHOCKED that you would consider sending me such a pic. I thought you knew me better than that! Please for the love of God and all that is holy do not send me a picture of you nude with the naughty bits fuzzed over. I deserve the original. >;-)

Posted by: Jim at January 21, 2004 07:06 PM (IOwam)

25 Girl gets her dream job and all of a sudden is talking breasts again. Hmm.

Posted by: Kyle at January 21, 2004 07:46 PM (blNMI)

26 It's ok Jim-Dane has me convinced that I shouldn't post such things!

Posted by: Helen at January 21, 2004 08:06 PM (uIFuj)

27 Doh! I shoulda knowed she would never go for the cheap praise and admiration... Suddenly I have this urge to go work in a one hour photo lab on the English coast.... hmmm Dane

Posted by: Dane at January 21, 2004 08:30 PM (ncyv4)

28 Damn you, Dane!

Posted by: Jim at January 21, 2004 08:35 PM (IOwam)

29 I'll tell you what-I will be posting a pic for just one hour at some point. Enjoy when it's here.

Posted by: Helen at January 21, 2004 08:38 PM (uIFuj)

30 Oh my, Helen, What can I say, that was just awesome. Perfection is indeed a fitting adjective for the whole of you, not just your breasts. What a wonderful thing for you to share. Shame it was only up for an hour... Dane PS - yeah, I know you didn't post it yet, but I know my comment on the mark, and I just made 30+ people run off pulling their hair out thinking they missed it =) Bad Dane, no biscuit!

Posted by: Dane at January 21, 2004 09:10 PM (ncyv4)

31 Actually, Dane-I had posted it. It was up for all of 3 minutes, before I started to freak out that some of my potential future Dream Job colleagues would see it.

Posted by: Helen at January 21, 2004 09:12 PM (KvbZX)

32 DOH! you kill me, but in a good way =)

Posted by: Dane at January 21, 2004 09:17 PM (ncyv4)

33 Not to belabor the point, but the measurement is taken around the ribcage as well as the furthest point out. The difference between the measurement at the exogee and the measurement of the ribcage is the cup size. Further, The cup in a 38 D is larger than the cup in a 34 D. It's an aspect ratio.

Posted by: gymrat at January 21, 2004 09:56 PM (nnOa7)

34 Hi H, Nice to see everything is working out for you! Well done on getting the job here in the UK. Gotta run, so have fun!!

Posted by: Del at January 21, 2004 11:36 PM (U3j2A)

35 still the body thing, and how one pictures himself: "14) I have two tattoos and a navel ring" - what is a navel ring, and where/what are your tattoos? Love, Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 21, 2004 11:55 PM (qwdOL)

36 I think it's so sad that almost every girl i know, including myself, has issue with her body and her eating. Last semester my daily diet of a cigarette and coffee for breakfast, maybe a piece of fruit for lunch, and a bowl of cheerios for dinner certainly led me to lose weight, but i felt sick and had no energy. Living with a another girl struggling with her body image didn't really help, often it made things worse. This semester we've resolved to eat actual meals. We're getting a new roommate, a boy, at the end of the month and we're going to have 'family' dinners and whatnot, so hopefully that helps things. Mostly it's a case of accepting who i am. Someday i love my body with its soft curves, perky breasts, and hot ass. Other days i see bulges of fat, too small boobs, and a huge ass. Working harder to see the beauty...i know it's there, i just have to believe it is. Well done on believing in your beauty.

Posted by: Laura at January 22, 2004 12:01 AM (blOFA)

37 Great post with a great message. I can relate to what you've written and I think there's tons of other people out there who feel the same. Thanks.

Posted by: James at January 22, 2004 12:15 AM (PbT+r)

38 Damnit - I miss all the good stuff. It's great you've got to this point, yet it's a shame you had to go through so much to get there. And what's worse is how many others no doubt go through the same thing and don't reach the right conclusion - that it doesn't matter.

Posted by: Simon at January 22, 2004 03:26 AM (GWTmv)

39 Hey! A size 8 is a great size to be! I'm a size 8...I went down from being a 10 most of my life. Of course, I'd love to be a 6 and have perfect abs, but 8 is considered medium, which is fine by me. I hear ya about having to work at it, though. I need to exercise every day, or I'd gain weight. One of my friends never exercises and shovels down donuts, burgers, tacos and never gains an ounce. Then again, she's only 24. I hope it doesn't catch up to her.

Posted by: dawn at January 22, 2004 06:25 AM (DvK57)

40 I was going to give my standard rant about body types, but it does not fit here. Perhaps on my own site later this week. What I will say here is a variation on the guy perspective - the really cool thing about bodies and breasts is that they change. It is trite to talk about women and the ocean, but both constantly change while remaining the same. Breasts grow and shrink, the lines of her face shift, regularly, and yet it is still her. There is no one perfect moment or body shape, there never is. But we can always celebrate the body we happen to have at the moment. ps, lovely wife has moved from a C to a B to an H cup over the years I have known her, with the ribcage a constant 38 except when hugely pregnant when it goes up to a 40 as the baby expands her torso. Victoria's Secret does not believe in women with serious rib cages, so I am glad that your girls can now dress up pretty.

Posted by: Ted K at January 22, 2004 01:41 PM (bUIG8)

41 Bravo!

Posted by: TwiddlyBits at February 04, 2004 11:23 PM (ao+HQ)

42 Hi Helen, yes this post is a keeper, one of the best I've ever seen on this "best of" series. I'll take your word for it about your breasts, I'm sure they're wonderful. As for your writing, it's GORGEOUS.

Posted by: Denny at May 25, 2004 12:58 AM (d0X5o)

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So after I quit screeching in decibels that only dogs here on the phone to friends and family and stopped generally acting like Woody Woodpecker hopped up on cocaine, I felt a pure and perfect sense of happiness that can only come when you are given a reason to start believing in yourself again. All of those fucking doubts and haunted feelings that I had, the whispers of people taunting me and telling me I was worthless just dried up.

And maybe I am worthless, but I got the job. A job that pays 50% more than Company X paid me. And I get a company car. Somehow, I feel vindicated.

Last Thursday I went to see the movie "Lost in Translation" in the theater. It's the film with Bill Murray, playing an aging, lost actor who does whiskey ads in Tokyo, and meets up with a fellow lost American who is also pinging around in her space like a drunken pinball. This film has become my second-favorite movie of all time, no mean feat considering all of the time I spend watching films.

I just got this film. It hit me on a thousand different levels of understanding. Not only have I been to Japan and felt like a stranger in a strange land (even though I am part Japanese), there was one scene that clinched it for me, and smacked me upside the head with the strong feeling of: Finally, a filmmaker that writes about something that I can relate to.

There's a scene where Bill Murray's character decides to call home and talk to his wife. Their marriage is ailing and they have become near strangers, bonded together basically for the sake of their children. He rings her up after too much to drink and a bit jet-lagged, mostly because he wants to hear her voice but also because he just wants to reach out to someone. The conversation goes badly, you can tell that they just aren't connecting, and as he hangs up he says: "Well, that was a bad idea." and drops the phone on the bed next to him.

I've done that. Exactly that. And exactly that while I was in Tokyo, no less. And I've had exactly that rocky phone call in a series of other countries as well, and not only have I had them with Partner Unit, I have had them with the boyfriend before him, too. To reach out, pop a number out on the phone and hope on the other end of the line is a relieved voice full of hope and love, not full of exhaustion and daily grind. To ring someone up at the very second when you realize that the thing you want most is to hear a familiar voice that will ground you to the real world in a way that no passport, no nationality can do.

That's why this movie has become my second favorite (second only to "Grosse Point Blank", which has been enjoying favorite status for some years now). It just affected me so much. I understood and related to every scene, every emotion, every need of a traveller desperately trying to find their way.

Partner Unit and I didn't talk Saturday night, since his flight was delayed and he got in at 3 am. But we did talk on Sunday night, and a bit last night too. The good news is, so far we are friends. The bad news is, so far we are both very sad. I did not mention Mr. Y and I never will-I see no need to destroy him just to relieve my guilt. We have agreed to sell the house in the Spring when it may fetch more money. Since the bottom dropped out of the real estate market here just after we bought it, we will consider ourselves lucky if we even make what we owe on the house.

I find I want to hug him a lot, to try to comfort him. I find I want to give him all of my money and make him laugh. I find I want to just curl up next to him in bed and sleep in the warm glow of him. But instead we roll up in our own duvets, two little eggrolls that cannot touch, and sleep fitfull sleep that is broken by Kafka dreams, jet-lag, and despair.

We cannot talk about deep issues, he never remembers what I tell him, his anger is frightening and all-consuming, but I do love him and always will, and nothing will ever take away from the fact that I hate myself for busting us up and breaking his heart.

My citizenship seems to be stalled-the chickie processing my application is out sick and unless she is out for three or more weeks, none of her cases will be re-assigned. So my passport and application linger in her inbox. In the meantime, I am paying 600 pounds and filing for a work permit on my own in the UK, which requires a fuckload of paperwork, DNA samples, sacrificial virgins, and an oath in blood that I will never go on the dole in the UK. I hope to have this done soon, and only once I have this can I start working. So I have no real start date yet.

But now my days aren't going to be spent obsessively pouring through web job sites. I am going to kick back, read books, watch movies, and blog.

In the meantime, here's to broken dreams, hopeful futures, and a small independent film that touched my heart. Run right out to see it, OK?

-H.

PS-Rob has done a hell of a good job with the Best of Me Symphony. Say hello!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:13 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
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1 Has this blog gone from being a heart-felt tell-all to a movie review site? Congrats again on the new job and given what you've been through, I wouldn't fret too much about the citizenship. It looks like it's all coming good, even with PU in a way.

Posted by: Simon at January 20, 2004 07:35 AM (OyeEA)

2 I've heard realling good things about Bill Murray's performance in Lost in Translation.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 20, 2004 07:53 AM (kOqZ6)

3 Really good things. Doh.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 20, 2004 07:54 AM (kOqZ6)

4 Simon-I would review movies here, but basically it would be an endless stream of them. I am a loser who watches too many films, after all. I would hate to disappoint those who come here and find out that I am not the cool person they suspected. After all, just wait till it gets out that I like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"...

Posted by: Helen at January 20, 2004 08:05 AM (ixSJK)

5 Hey, Buffy rocks! Do I sound like a sappy fangirl or what? Heh. Just wanted to delurk and say congratulations on the job and the move and even on the being able to not obsessively check job sites every day. Here's hoping that your change of good fortune will be a signal that my fiancee and I's luck is changing as well. Also, thanks for reminding me to watch that movie. I've heard good things, but never remember it. Keep writing Helen - your blog has become an addiction!

Posted by: Tami at January 20, 2004 09:37 AM (Ebo8k)

6 I'm so stoked for you, darlin', I don't know what to say. (Me? Not know what to say? Shyeah. Rrright.) The interesting thing about being THAT depressed is that you have the ability to REALLY enjoy the good times. So sit back, wiggle your toes and your nose and say to yourself -- I did it. Because you did, you know. I always knew you had it in you. Now YOU do, too. As always, you have my very best wishes to go with you. *smooches* M

Posted by: margi at January 20, 2004 09:43 AM (4jrV0)

7 Helen, i am praying the hope of your future will help you through this difficult time with PU. I saw lost in translation on saturday night and felt a real connection with the film - it is amazing, no doubt about it. I also need to know, how are you going to get Dear Mate and Best Friend to the UK?!?! Abs x

Posted by: abs at January 20, 2004 10:45 AM (lnpfn)

8 here's to broken dreams, hopeful futures ... I'll drink to that, but it's 09:50 in the morning so I'll have to save it until this evening.

Posted by: robert at January 20, 2004 10:48 AM (kXZI6)

9 Helen, keep the movie reviews coming, as long as they give some insight on you. All the best, Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 20, 2004 01:32 PM (wW77H)

10 What a bittersweet moment of personal growth. I'm so thankful you landed a bigger and better job (and company wheels, whoo hoo!) but it's always sad when a relationship ends, especially one you lived passionately and hopefully once upon a time. Good luck with the casa, too. If only you could magically transport it here. People here just keep pushing real estate values higher and higher every year...

Posted by: Sedalina at January 20, 2004 01:58 PM (eKujN)

11 Abs-Dear Mate is already in the UK, however Best Friend seems dead keen on not going back there!

Posted by: Helen at January 20, 2004 02:12 PM (LOhiR)

12 I find myself torn. While I love your journal and the way you verbalise what you're thinking and feeling, and while I knew you were struggling with life, the PU and everything, I find myself disappointed by your airport 'encounter' with Mr. Y. I can't judge you, for people do what they feel is best, but I think disappointed was the right way for me to feel. Saying that, this blog is one of the most 'real' I've read, good luck...

Posted by: Phil at January 20, 2004 03:05 PM (K2cNB)

13 Cheers, H. It's Santori time.

Posted by: Mister O at January 20, 2004 03:18 PM (23Z3q)

14 "and a company car" drivers in London - beware!

Posted by: jim at January 20, 2004 04:15 PM (zE10C)

15 Yes jim-and you may be one of those (you need to expound more on this on your site!) Mister O-good job Phil-I know there are some that disapprove, and others that approve. I struggled a bit with telling about the airport episode, but in the end, I just felt beind honest about it was the best bet. Even at risk of alienation.

Posted by: Helen at January 20, 2004 04:22 PM (ulwvb)

16 You're timing is spot on as always! I just saw Lost in Translation on Sunday and loved it. A very good story that definitely hit home. I saw what could have easily become my life had I stayed in an empty, loveless marriage. Except, of course, for the part where he gets paid $2 million for doing scotch ads! My Life v2.0 is infinitely better because of the people I've met on my new journey. I feel fortunate that I've crossed paths with you, little flame, even if it's only over the Web.

Posted by: Paul at January 20, 2004 04:47 PM (bWfDG)

17 It embarrassing for my wife, and will be for my children to admit that yes, I too am a fan of Buffy. A huge fan. Never missed an episode and don't know what to do with myself now that it's gone. A truly remarkable show. Don't be ashamed, H, shout it out, "I love Buffy!" Kind of ruins the serious, studied, reasonable thing I've been grooving with here, doesn't it? Congrats again on the job, H.

Posted by: Jiminy at January 20, 2004 05:04 PM (v1F8A)

18 May have to see that one. "You can never go home again, Oatman, but i guess you can shop there." congrats again.

Posted by: tommy at January 20, 2004 05:43 PM (Vdwm7)

19 Cograts on the job! I just knew you would get it. I'm so happy for you!

Posted by: Ash at January 20, 2004 06:16 PM (D0X9D)

20 "Phil-I know there are some that disapprove, and others that approve"... what? One thing I came to expect here is no censorship, and plain truth. Please keep on going and blogging... please. Love, Miguel. p. s. - PU reading this blog could be a good thing, except maybe too much as been said here... no?

Posted by: msd at January 20, 2004 06:27 PM (wW77H)

21 Hi Jim and sorry Helen, I wish I'd have made the connection between 'the company car', London drivers beware and Helen;-) I wonder how Volvo man is doing with his lousy 'redundant' job?

Posted by: Roger at January 20, 2004 06:31 PM (KjAok)

22 Sadly, Volvo-Man has survived still. Proof that karma may be just, but only when you're not around. Miguel-no worries, I don't really censor myself here. Generally, the only thing I change are names, to protect those in my life. Jiminy-you've further upped your value with the Buffy-love

Posted by: Helen at January 20, 2004 06:54 PM (/uSBQ)

23 OK, you just convinced me to go and watch Lost in Translation with my wife next Saturday. And what import does it have that some approve, some disapprove, and some like me do a bit of both, of you and Mr. Y bonking at the airport? I mean, this is your blog after all, n'est-ce pas?

Posted by: Gudy at January 20, 2004 08:14 PM (tVSEX)

24 Hey Helen.......Im so pleased for you! Ive been anxiously awaiting each episode in your life. Now things are GREAT! Wow..now go out and buy the diamonds already.hehe..

Posted by: butterflies at January 21, 2004 05:23 AM (karT6)

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I think I need some aspirin. I have been chasing down my citizenship specialist who is working on my application, since I need some answers (otherwise I need to splash out some major pound-age on trying to procure a work visa). The recording on the specialist's machine says she is signed out sick, which could mean anything from ill today to ill all year. Who knows...

It's ironic that exactly two months ago today I lost my job from Company X, thereby bringing forth the darkest period of my life so far. I have been suffering depression the likes of which I always associated with tv-not showering, not changing clothes, not leaving the bedroom, the living room, the house. Sometimes I felt like I was the average bird, flying in the Company X flock, but starting to lag behind and got shot out of the V-formation, hurtling to the earth at great speeds and crushing my tiny ribcage.

But I will plug hard to get this citizenship/work visa stuff done. I view it as a tiny blip, a challenge that I can overcome. They said I had done excellent in the second interview on Friday, you see.

Uncross everything. Eat those M&M's. If anyone needs me, I will be drinking and making phone calls.

The Everyday Stranger is moving to London.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:47 PM | Comments (65) | Add Comment
Post contains 228 words, total size 1 kb.

1 CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you, Helen!!! Oh, geez, I'm crying, but they're happy tears!

Posted by: pam at January 19, 2004 12:51 PM (i3ieL)

2 WOOOWHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah, could you undo my left finger there, its a bit welded in postition =)

Posted by: Dane at January 19, 2004 12:53 PM (ncyv4)

3 Awesome...good luck. When do you start?

Posted by: drew7203 at January 19, 2004 01:05 PM (K/rfM)

4 Thank god and congratulations!!! I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU! The UK is lovely - if you are ever passing through Cambridge....! Abs x

Posted by: abs at January 19, 2004 01:05 PM (lnpfn)

5 OohRah!!! looks like those favors helped out after all, although it is entirely possible that they gave you the job because they recognise talent, intelligence and dedication when they see it. Well done you - nobody can say you don't deserve this! I'll wish you the best of luck with the whole visa, move thing just remember one thing - always stand on the left on escalators... it really annoys the locals!

Posted by: robert at January 19, 2004 01:09 PM (kXZI6)

6 Go Helen, now you'll have to polish up your cut glass accent!!

Posted by: zeno at January 19, 2004 01:17 PM (HBKiL)

7 That's fantastic Helen! Congratulations!!

Posted by: Morgan at January 19, 2004 01:24 PM (FPWNS)

8 Yay yay yay....congratulations girl, now take a deep breath and enjoy!

Posted by: nisi at January 19, 2004 01:28 PM (wUDc0)

9 OMG...yeah for you! I'm so happy for you! I knew you had it locked up. Congrats and enjoy your new job..and your reward necklace : O)

Posted by: JaxVenus at January 19, 2004 01:43 PM (D5Tko)

10 Congrats ! This is a good news. Ted K.

Posted by: Ted K at January 19, 2004 01:51 PM (bUIG8)

11 EXCELLENT..... I always knew you will get it... Way to go girl!!

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 19, 2004 02:44 PM (AwwzH)

12 I knew it!! it was the interview preperation that did it - good work. I may be joining you over in London as well!

Posted by: jim at January 19, 2004 02:57 PM (lN8eP)

13 Fucking awesome!! (Damn, I'm really getting repetitive, aren't I?) That is so great, Helen! I've got warm tickly feelings bubbling up right now and my eyes are actually getting misty. Congratulations!!!

Posted by: Jim at January 19, 2004 02:57 PM (IOwam)

14 AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME! :-) My browser window didn't show that part until I scrolled down...what wonderful news! Yay, you!

Posted by: Rob at January 19, 2004 03:09 PM (pL1ga)

15 YES!!!!!!! Way to go, H. We're all proud of you. What does Mr. Y say about that?

Posted by: Jiminy at January 19, 2004 03:09 PM (XOHUr)

16 w00t, where is the damn bear now..

Posted by: pylorns at January 19, 2004 03:13 PM (fD1hc)

17 That's such fantastic news! Congrats, I'm so happy for you.

Posted by: emily at January 19, 2004 03:15 PM (iuRJt)

18 YAY! Congratulations.

Posted by: Donna at January 19, 2004 03:17 PM (qz+tC)

19 WoooooHooooo!! I am so glad!! You deserve this so very much. Good luck on the citizenship/work visa bit. I'm going to go do the dance of joy now... Suzanne

Posted by: Suz~ at January 19, 2004 03:17 PM (1HaWw)

20 Wooo Hoooooo! Congrats Helen! I hope the talk with PU was at least civilized.

Posted by: Clancy at January 19, 2004 03:21 PM (pvWt0)

21 HOW FABULOUS!!!!! Now I just have to convince my husband that I really need to come to London in September.....Buy the necklace yet?

Posted by: jennifer at January 19, 2004 03:25 PM (F8TUc)

22 WOOOOHOOOOO! I'm so very happy for you! (You know, I really don't need to vocalize my comments here at work... but I'm so happy!)

Posted by: amber at January 19, 2004 03:28 PM (iJZeQ)

23 Whee! Congratulations! No go and get those guinea pigs!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 19, 2004 03:32 PM (jtW2s)

24 Jennifer-I absolutely will be doing on the first day of work in Dream Job-the jewelry store is conveniently just around the corner

Posted by: Helen at January 19, 2004 03:38 PM (QV3iL)

25 Oh, honey, that's so wonderful! I am so happy for you - and you did it all by your self!

Posted by: Courtney at January 19, 2004 04:03 PM (kG7EZ)

26 Woo! Yay! I'm so happy for you after what you've been through in the last few months. Moving to London's no bad thing either, even if I do say so myself.

Posted by: Gareth at January 19, 2004 04:06 PM (NHA9E)

27 Congrats Helen... I knew you could do it. I'm very happy for you!

Posted by: Tiffani at January 19, 2004 04:11 PM (0i1dP)

28 We've always had faith in you H. Hopefully now you'll see you should too! Way to go. Best of luck in the next chapter of your life and go buy that necklace, little flame. PC

Posted by: Paul at January 19, 2004 04:37 PM (bWfDG)

29 That's fucking ace, Helen. Congratulations. I feel like I need to buy you.. a toaster or.. something. Well deserved, truly.

Posted by: Dictator Meg III (!!!) at January 19, 2004 04:59 PM (BQTE/)

30 Congratulations! May the next chapter in your life be a good read!

Posted by: Marie at January 19, 2004 05:04 PM (fiFW3)

31 Look out London! Congrats dear. You deserve it.

Posted by: Don at January 19, 2004 05:29 PM (e6au8)

32 Congratulations!! I hope it remains your dream job for years and years to come. London bound. Does this mean we have to now start submitting our comments in the Queen's English? Oops, that aren't good English (notice the split infinitive in the previous sentence). Dang, that ain't neither...

Posted by: Solomon at January 19, 2004 05:31 PM (t5Pi1)

33 Yay!

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 19, 2004 05:36 PM (HxCeX)

34 That's absolutly wonderful. Yeah for Helen.

Posted by: zenwanderer at January 19, 2004 06:14 PM (HSk4A)

35 Yay! I'm so excited for you!

Posted by: Natalie at January 19, 2004 06:22 PM (habp3)

36 Congratulations Helen... hope everything really falls into place. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 19, 2004 06:36 PM (wW77H)

37 I knew it, I knew it! Yahoo! Congrats - you deserve this!

Posted by: Beth Donovan at January 19, 2004 06:49 PM (jA3mN)

38 see, told you so, congrats and good luck.

Posted by: ozone ferd at January 19, 2004 07:07 PM (mefTt)

39 HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Laura at January 19, 2004 07:28 PM (blOFA)

40 The longtime stealth reader says: "Congrats!"

Posted by: Kresh at January 19, 2004 07:48 PM (KCyHK)

41 Congratulations Helen, to you and your future.

Posted by: Tommy at January 19, 2004 07:57 PM (Vdwm7)

42 Congrats on the job. Yay!

Posted by: cyberangel at January 19, 2004 08:09 PM (wetZl)

43 Fantastic my dear. I never doubted it for a minute.

Posted by: Serenity at January 19, 2004 08:17 PM (4A/WT)

44 hooooooooooooray! i'm so happy for you girly!

Posted by: kat at January 19, 2004 08:38 PM (FhSIP)

45 YES! Look out free hearts of London, here she comes!

Posted by: Roger at January 19, 2004 08:41 PM (KjAok)

46 Congratulations, Helen! I knew things would work out for you.

Posted by: Sue at January 19, 2004 08:42 PM (rZmE1)

47 Congrats! And good luck. hln

Posted by: hln at January 19, 2004 09:03 PM (CWwGn)

48 You sure know how to keep me on the edge of my seat!! Congratulations, my dear. You deserve this and that necklace. Good luck to you and your new life in London.

Posted by: Kandy at January 19, 2004 09:12 PM (fnOQ7)

49 YAY! I'm so proud of you H! I hope all goes as gloriously as you hope it does. Just maybe keep a couple of toes crossed for me. I have 3 possible jobs and the whole thing should come to a head by the end of next week. I hope you get Georged (as in George of the Jungle watch out for that tree! drunk) tonight!

Posted by: amy t. at January 19, 2004 09:58 PM (R8gIn)

50 I've just been catching up on blogs--this is fantastic news! Let me know when you're here and you would like me to follow up on that congratulatory pint

Posted by: angel at January 19, 2004 09:58 PM (nb+7h)

51 Woo-hoo!!! Congratulations! Duct-taped hampsters up and down the island are wiggling their little fuzzy butts today.

Posted by: David at January 19, 2004 10:29 PM (OeXRJ)

52 Congrats!!!

Posted by: Dawn at January 19, 2004 11:55 PM (OusuF)

53 WoooHoooo indeed. Congratulations. ps. you know why you duct tape hamsters?

Posted by: Brass at January 20, 2004 12:08 AM (t5HVs)

54 You go girl. Mega congratulations!!

Posted by: Ursula at January 20, 2004 01:59 AM (H/Q2s)

55 From the deepest darkest depths of despair, comes a shining beacon of blah blah. Good work. I never doubted you for an instant.

Posted by: Guinness at January 20, 2004 02:23 AM (HUtSD)

56 Great news. I'm a bit stuck uncrossing some things, but it was worth it. Of course one of the questions you asked them was "Do you set aside blogging time for each employee?" Right?

Posted by: Simon at January 20, 2004 04:04 AM (UKqGy)

57 Congratulations from another relatively new reader. Found you through Ms. Sarah Pants. Best of luck in your new adventures!

Posted by: Lisa at January 20, 2004 04:19 AM (3goMG)

58 quite the popular person...

Posted by: pylorns at January 20, 2004 05:58 AM (fD1hc)

59 Congratulations! You rock and you very much deserved it!

Posted by: Melodrama at January 20, 2004 06:09 AM (bchdG)

60 I am seriously and constantly amazed at the overwhelming show of support on my blog. It humbles me. Big time. Oh, and it makes me cry too, but only the good tears.

Posted by: Helen at January 20, 2004 06:13 AM (niuEf)

61 CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I had to take a few days off to watch a sick young 'un, and didn't get to check your blog until Tuesday the 20th -- I am so happy for you ... again, Congratulations ... also, something must be in the air lately -- another friend of mine just cut 13 inches off of her hair ... strangely, I thought of you when she told me ... anyway, I can't say it enough -- you did it, ya!! congratulations ! Yaguari

Posted by: Kylan at January 20, 2004 02:51 PM (d18ri)

62 So what can I say that everyone else here hasn't said already? Oh, to hell with originality! Woooooooohoooooooo!! Congratulations, Helen!

Posted by: Gudy at January 20, 2004 08:14 PM (tVSEX)

63 Congratulations, Helen, and don't forget to post pictures of your celebratory diamond necklace!

Posted by: kara at January 20, 2004 09:40 PM (43Z3v)

64 congratulations!

Posted by: athena at January 20, 2004 09:48 PM (QdGwf)

65 congrats I'm so pleased for you!

Posted by: melanie at January 21, 2004 10:51 AM (jDC3U)

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I wander into the living room, where we sat on the couch last night, our limbs tangled up in a soft fleece blanket and a bottle of chardonnay was quaffed while we watched reality TV for a bit and made merciless fun of it. My legs were curled up on your lap, and you removed a sock and stroked my foot, not making me the least bit ticklish but instead caressing and kneading the arch of my foot into a blissful satisfaction. Later, in the DVD player "Secretary" languishes, two chapters away from the finish as you had to take me then and there on the couch, spanking me hard and fucking me even harder to the tune of slapping flesh and moans.

In the kitchen are the messy pans where I cooked you risotto for dinner, my specialty. You even helped me cook it, chopping leeks and mushrooms, grating the knarled bit of parmesan I had that I saved from a trip to Rome. We swilled white wine together, dashing bits of it in the pot to steam the risotto, and your hands strayed around my waist, cupping my breasts and leaving the aroma of parmesan on the lengths and curves of my skin. We laughed and talked as the risotto steamed up the pot lid and we steamed up the windows.

We ate the lush and wonderful risotto by the forkful, and you even finished my bowl of it. I decided to forgo my usual need to clean just after dinner, leaving the risotto pan, the pasta bowls, and our wineglasses in a jumble in the sink, knowing that the time it would take to scrub the pots would take precious seconds away from being with you. The dishes didn't matter. The vacuuming was ignored, the woodpile grew small, and all I cared about was having maximum exposure to your skin through the evening.

I make my way back to the bedroom. The bedsheets are rumpled, strained and thrown aside. I remember you taking your arms and wrapping them around me, gentle now compared to our cinematic excursion a few hours earlier. You were so calm and loving in the last round, taking your time to massage your mouth across me and bringing a full shuddering orgasm between my legs. Your lips were everywhere-my neck, my shoulders, my legs...and you kissed and licked all of our war wounds from earlier-the scratches, the bruises, the animal brutality of the couch forgotten in the luscious love-making under the covers. I ran my fingers over the nail tracks on your neck and shoulders, massaging loving into their textured surfaces.

You slowly guide yourself into me, moving in one fluid motion, and we move in a gentle rocking that I always look forward to. It feels as though I am coming home again, making my way into something I know after spending my life wandering the world. You stare into my eyes the entire time, your pupils large and drinking me in, and just before you orgasm you grab me hard and squeeze, almost in agony and say "My God, I am so in love with you."

And then you lay on top of me, the weight of you reassuring, pinning me to the bed in a reminder that there is no where else I would rather be. And you roll me over and lay beside me, wrapping your arms around me and placing your knees behind mine, and you hold me until we fall asleep, freeing me then to move around the canvas of the bed.

When I wake, I look out the window and see only swirling snow, hear the wind batter the house and hope that the fireplaces can hanker with enough fire in the fireplace to warm up the little spots in the corners of the bed that I occupy. The sun has forgotten to come out today, or maybe it just hasn't seen the point.

The bed is empty. And when I make my way downstairs, I see no pile-up of dishes in the sink. The wine bottle is empty, but my headache reminds me that I was the one who accomplished that alone. The woodpile is refurbished, the house is vacuumed, and there are no scratches and bites down the length of my body.

I walk back upstairs, to the bed that is only warm on one side. I huddle under the blankets and put my hand on the pillow next to me, trying to find any trace of warmth or remnant of your scent that you were there. That you loved me.

I got to walk the house with you in a normal relationship under normal circumstances for one evening in my dreams. And with a sigh, I pull the covers back over my head and try to reinsert myself in my dream, to reinsert myself back to you. It was just my dream. And all I want to do is sleep in order to try to find you again.

If anyone needs me, I will hopefully be making love, making memories, and making risotto today. The real world can slip by unnoticed for now-we don't need each other today...

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:20 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 874 words, total size 5 kb.

First off, since I have been writing and was inspired and requested by a certain someone (you know who you are), I will post a piece of it that the certain someone inspired. This is just a quick synopsis of the larger body of work that I am doing-it's far from done, this is just one rough piece of the rest of the work, which I present here as my first pass. Comments and criticism are welcome, since I am a bit worried that I am a crap writer who should just stop writing.

It's about two and half pages, so I give you the possibility to download it and use it for target practice.

Secondly, here is a picture of Kim and I. This was taken on December 31, 1995. We were at a Big Band New Year's Eve party-both of us were big WWII buffs and the youngest people at said party by about 30 years. But here, at last, is a face behind his name. And you get to see me with long red hair, too.

Kim and I

Wasn't he beautiful....

As you can maybe tell, I am feeling really low this morning, so I wll escort myself off to the living room after checking my job ads and settle in for some TV.

-H.

PS-I have been made blog of the week at Musings from the Underground. Go say hi for me.

PPS-Found this over at Say Anything. This guy has obviously just found out that his ex-girlfriend has indeed posted on her blog that he has a flaccid little dick that has no real purpose in life. Whatever, Anger Ball. Learn yoga, pick the road less travelled, spank your inner moppet...do whatever you have to do to get over yourself. Or better yet, just stop reading blogs. Maybe that will help. And for the record, "fucking stupid" gets tiresome after about the 50th time you use it in one paragraph.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:29 AM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
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1 I'm not much of a "chick book" kind of guy but what I've read so far sounds pretty good. Maybe that's because I read it out loud? Seriously, whenever you're feeling down, like today, you just need to check your comments. Look how many people love you in the world, baby. It might not be face to face love, but there's a whole lotta of love in this here blog. And yes, I'm pissed off I wasn't # 2000. Damn your 35 comments a day.

Posted by: Simon at January 09, 2004 10:14 AM (UKqGy)

2 Petal, i really do know how low job hunting can make you. As for everything else, i can only agree with Simon, when you are feeling low, look to all of us! I hope you are feeling a bit better soon. abs x

Posted by: abs at January 09, 2004 10:20 AM (lnpfn)

3 Simon said it right, and you got me coming back here almost every day. Hope everything works well for you. Love from the most western point of continental europe, Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 09, 2004 01:14 PM (wW77H)

4 I liked that Helen..I liked it lots.... it is full of promise and desire and the unknown.... and thats all good stuff

Posted by: nisi at January 09, 2004 02:01 PM (V+jAw)

5 It was beautiful Helen, the theme being so often repeated and yet it smelt of originality

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 09, 2004 02:33 PM (9vq0A)

6 *hugs* Keep on keepin' on, hon.

Posted by: Courtney at January 09, 2004 02:40 PM (1Gy7B)

7 Ouch! And I was in such a good mood until I read that. Actually that's a compliment. You paint a very vivid picture. When you can take the reader through the roller coaster of emotions you want him to go through and then leave him feeling happy and sad at the same time as you did, you've done well. I apologize Simon. I was trying to be 1999, so one of the "regulars" could have the honor of being 2000. You can have the autographed picture...someone suggested that as the prize . As they say on Sports Center, "My bad!" Besides, my wife would be awfully disappointed (to put it nicely) if I brought home a picture of Helen.

Posted by: Solomon at January 09, 2004 03:05 PM (t5Pi1)

8 I'm going to wait to read it until I get home. When I have full concentration. But, I wanted to tell you that Kim was beautiful.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 09, 2004 03:30 PM (0i1dP)

9 I think I'm getting comment envy. How come you've got twice as many as me? I'm having nightmare flashbacks to the Map War over here. [shudder] Off to read the excerpt now, take care m'dear.

Posted by: Jim at January 09, 2004 03:32 PM (IOwam)

10 That's REALLY eerie, Tiffani-I had meant to say that on the entry, and in fact perhaps I should update it now-beneath the picture, I meant to write: "Wasn't he beautiful?" Thanks for the reminder

Posted by: Helen at January 09, 2004 03:45 PM (3JPWM)

11 Chin up, little flame. Great picture of you and Kim. He'll never really be gone as long as he's remembered by those that loved him. Simon nailed it, 'nuff said. PC

Posted by: Paul USA at January 09, 2004 04:04 PM (bWfDG)

12 ... me again, just read it. Well,... I can´t judge your style or things like that, but the story/episode was a flashback for me. I can relate to it very much. Also found myself wondering if the way you characterized "Jimmy", was somehow a picture of your perfect man... or every girl´s perfect man for that matter. Nevertheless keep up with the writing, good joob. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 09, 2004 04:39 PM (wW77H)

13 I haven't yet read the excerpt, as I must sleep, but I just wanted to, as Tiffani did, tell you that Kim was indeed beautiful. And that other guy -- the fellow suffering from intense sexual frustration-induced internet hostility -- appears to have spent way too much time reading (bad, perhaps) blogs. "Who reads these weblogs? Nobody!" ..ahah. I'm going to go now, as it's been 19 hours since my last slumber. Chin up, sweets. xx

Posted by: Jamie at January 09, 2004 05:40 PM (CIdqs)

14 Helen, I usually know right away if I'm going to enjoy whatever I'm reading. If (after the first several paragraphs, or the first chapter) I can't wait to turn the page to find out what's going to happen to the characters, it's usually a good indication that I'm going to like it. The problem here, of course, was that I had no more pages to turn to! If there had been, I'd still be reading and not leaving this comment. I'm intrigued, keep writing.

Posted by: Sue at January 09, 2004 08:25 PM (rZmE1)

15 ... and another thing: the comments here are displayed in a weird fashion: on top the latest, and on the bottom the first ones... doesnÂ’t feel right. Sedalina got it better. My opinion, of course. Get that swedish passport!!! Miguel.

Posted by: msd at January 09, 2004 08:34 PM (wW77H)

16 See! Great minds think alike.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 09, 2004 08:37 PM (0i1dP)

17 In regards to the PSS- Anybody else think it's funny as hell that the guy railing against blogs posted his thoughts on what, for all intents and purposes, is a blog?

Posted by: Mike the Marine at January 09, 2004 10:19 PM (Zw7Hl)

18 I have no idea what to say except that it's beautiful you got to have the time with someone like that at all. I come here because I love to read what you write...love to hear how you see things...and sometimes, I leave a bit envious...which I know is wrong...but I'm amazed at some of the things your significant others have said to you. No one has even come close to uttering some of the things said to you. As painful as it is, (and as horridly cliche as this is), remember the good times. How fantastic to have experienced them even if they had to end. G-d I hope that doesn't sound insensitive...that's not my intention.

Posted by: Serenity at January 09, 2004 10:41 PM (GChd/)

19 About the writing: I can relate to that scene very well, so it surely was evocative and all. Still, I may be overly critical, but somehow the scene starts out feeling a bit flat, somehow distanced, and only picks up a bit after he is finished reminiscing. My gut feeling tells me that the pacing would perhaps be better if things started at the 6th paragraph (They had met...), and then came back to the present - in other words put the first five paras after his memories - especially if this is the start of the tale/book. There are a few snags and edges in some expressions, e.g. in "Her hair was much shorter maybe" 'much' and 'maybe' together feel a bit contradictory and discordant, but other than that: more please, much more! And as far as the guy with his irrational, obsessive hatred of blogs goes: he is funny, in a sick and pathetically sad way. And he is best ignored, I think. Heck, even making fun of him would feel like shooting fish in a barrel...

Posted by: Gudy at January 10, 2004 12:51 AM (tXQvz)

20 your story sounds like the beginning of a book!! keep it up girly! i was sucked right in! yes, kim was beautiful. you look so happy in that picture. and i love the red hair on you! ;-)

Posted by: kat at January 10, 2004 01:58 AM (FhSIP)

21 The link to the blog-hater was an amusing rant. I really liked the line about a "cinderblock head massage". The picture of you and Kim is beautiful.

Posted by: David at January 10, 2004 05:28 PM (4dlyT)

22 I liked your short story. I wish I could write something like that. My weakness is writing. More like my frustration. I can't seem to describe things well. Oh well. Keep it up. Congrats for the blog of the week thingy. Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at January 10, 2004 05:34 PM (V5etP)

23 You're a beautiful writer. And your writing is good too :-)

Posted by: Rob at January 10, 2004 09:48 PM (zxA1f)

24 In general What I like The idea is simple and good for a short story. The rhytm of the story is nice What I don’t like To much standard visualisations – I get bored by another blonde with long hair and brains. You can better make it a black, lame dwarf who smells and then convince me that he loves her. That will take some writing, this is way too easy. This also goes for the campus settings and the weather, it’s too standard. There is not enough tension in the story between the persons. Why does she asks him there, what does she wants to catch with this encounter. He is too passive, his anger is not there or he is too hollow and cannot feel that. He feels like a not grown person. That’s OK, but then you have to make clear whether she sees that or not. Let her talk like “aged and confused”, that will make a story. In total it feels like real life, like something you have self experienced. But it is no story, stories are in a certain way larger than life, not muted but raw. If you want to write real life than this is not the setting, the timescale is too short for it. You can write as I can follow this easily, but you shy too much away from the Grand Gesture in the story. Write is again, but completely in dialog, like a play and don’t visualise things for me if you can’t put it in the dialog. After I wrote this I read your log some more and I understood that it is basically real life what you are writing. If you do that just write it like the Kim piece you wrote. There you see that the longer timescale works and you don’t visualise so much which makes that a good and much better piece than this one Furthermore I realised after reading your blog that you are women. That accounts for quite a lot of the standard visualisations of the women in this piece of work. Do remember that men are more complex that you write this one. Or make the story about two women and really use your own experience. And I don’t mean fysical experience as I don’t know what you have done in life but use your ways of thinking to make the relationship visible for me. O, and do remember, seeing the wrongs is more easy than the good things of a story, but I am not taking the time to write a comment if I had the feeling that you could not write. Go on and spit on my image if you need too, but even Flaubert was completely torn to shreds by his friends before he wrote Madame Bovary.

Posted by: augustijn at January 11, 2004 12:59 AM (SJzez)

25 Hi Helen, Finally got to reading your released first-pass synopsis-style pages and the comments. I've got instead of criticism, questions. Recognise I'm far from a literary guru. Who is your target reader? Including what will hit a "paying" crowd. I assume sales is part of the goal besides writing being one of your creative talents. It goes with the territory that you worry which is the agony of being creative. What time and social period is it set in? I'm assuming present day with the places in the pages. I suppose it is not intended as a social commentary or exploration? On the changing norms of our society? I suppose if the answer to my first question does not include male in the demographic, then I should not be commenting Have you seen Ashley Judd's "Someone Like You" flick? Relating to cow mating? There is some truth to it. If Jimmy and Amanda got their freak on in the past, would he feel at this point willing to give up everything for another round? At any time Amanda might suddenly play Lucy with the football when Charlie Brown comes running again? (Lucy is kind of cute but a real pain-in-the-ass when it comes to football;-) There is a lot to give up too. You capitalize the word 'Sin' at a couple of places. Why? Three and counting? There is a wonderful builtin mechanism where static beauty resulting from genetics is not enough to keep a man's attention; but rather the dynamic ways a woman's face expresses affection to him that captures his attention and eventually his taste in static beauty shifts to her. If Jimmy's wife is a 'smart, sweet level-headed woman' perhaps this mechanism would win out? Maybe you should make her out to be the wife from hell; runs up huge debilitating credit card debt, refuses Jimmy her bed for months/years, gets drunk and does a hit and run with the family car, shoplifts unsuccessfully at SAKS, etc.? Guess I'm just wanting to read more than a glimpse! Curious about all the other characters; interactions. The Kim and I photo is worth a thousand words...

Posted by: Roger at January 11, 2004 11:58 PM (HzdL4)

26 Hi Helen, I ready 'Central Station' and kept reading it so that is a good sign. I am in the word production business so generally know what will sell and what will not. I think the strength of your blog is that it is honest---people (including myself ) cling to every post and want to interact with you. Now, as a self assignment, if you could take the 'Central Station' characters and somehow put the story into your own words, such as you do in your blog, not necessarily change from a 3rd person to 1st person, but less narrative and more...ummm honestly you...then you'd have a best seller on your hands or at least a damn good read. Don't follow a formula at this point in the game. Do that which you know. Your story line is great...now just sit down and kick it out...no sweat...I have faith in your abilities.

Posted by: marie at January 12, 2004 03:04 AM (3Y1np)

27 Thanks for the great feedback, guys! I have much to think about. And Roger-I need to think about your questions for a bit, but one I have an answer to-I have no idea who my target audience is. But then again, I never really knew who my audience would be for my blog, either, but I am lucky enough to have one

Posted by: Helen at January 12, 2004 09:20 AM (F+pqO)

28 I went looking for the reference on the Say Anything blog but wasn't able to find it. What I did find were lots and lots and lots of ads. I saw the Why I Hate Blogs rant from the wanker. Its comical in its own self importance. There was a long and kind of funny thread about it on Metafilter a week or two ago. In fact, here it is.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at January 13, 2004 12:58 AM (AyewP)

29 Helen, I loved the story. It seemed that there was quite a bit of *you* in that story. All the regulars know what I'm talking about. As for rant-boy...well, there's no law that says that a person can't be stupid in public. Good luck with the job interviews and the citizenship. I know you'll keep us informed.

Posted by: Jiminy at January 13, 2004 03:13 PM (bhLQn)

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I am not what you would call wildly patriotic.

I am an American, I know I am an American, and I generally don't feel the need to plaster my vehicle and my possessions with the American flag. I don't speak loudly in public (unless I am boozing it up in a pub, then it's all decibels all the time). I don't fly the American flag here in Sweden (most houses have a flagpole, which they run the Swedish flag up on. We have a flagpole, which is flagless).

It is something that I simply know. A part of what makes me me. I am a woman, I am 29, and I know I am an American, so I don't really feel the need to advertise it.

Actually, I have been in situations while travelling where it wouldn't benefit the situation to reveal that I am from the USA. In a cab in the remotest parts of a Greek Island, with a mad cab driver ranting and raving about the "horrid" Americans, who was my only option for getting to the ferry in time. In Gothenburg, during the summit two years ago in which Bush showed up and riots went mad. In the Seychelles, when I walked into a restaurant after a day of fabulous snorkelling and diving in the Indian Ocean, to find the residents of the restaurant with their heads in their hands-America had started bombing Iraq, worried the Seychelles tourist economy would be ruined (and it was indeed very hard hit).

I am not ashamed of who I am or where I am from. I am currently moving ahead with my Swedish citizenship (which I found out from the Swedish immigration service that they will rule on within two weeks-keep those fingers crossed still, as my life will be well and truly fucked if I don't get it!) and the caveat in me pursuing it was that it was not at the expense of my American citizenship-I couldn't give that up.

Like most Americans, I come from a family of immigrants. On my father's side, I am the first-born American. On my mother's side, we have everything-Irish, Dutch, French, Native American. I am proud to know that my family came to America for the same reasons that millions of others did-to try to make a new life. So yes-I am an American, but I don't feel the need to scream it out loud.

On December 26th, I went to see a hockey game played by my beloved Dallas Stars (for the record, they won against the Predators). The arena (the new American Airlines Arena, which I had never seen before) was packed to the rafters. The fabulous Jumbotron hung over the center ice, full of delicious digital images. Around the entire arena, an electronic screen snaked around the seating, displaying vivid green and gold graphics in a 360 degree view. The ice smelt heavenly, almost metallic in the tip of the tongue, and I remembered how it felt when I used to play hockey, to be a mixture of cold and sweat and heartbeat.

The crowd was loud and happy, and the Stars came out and warmed up. Then, without further ado, we were asked to please stand for the national anthem. We turned to one end of the arena, where an enormous and brilliantly colored flag hung. The music started, and the crowds' voice joined the singers in harmony.

Stars fans do something which has always amused me-the word "Star" appears twice in the anthem, and the fans yell that word each time, in tribute to the Dallas Stars. They did not disappoint, and I found my voice lifting and shouting the word, too. Beside me, Partner Unit just smiled and watched the crowd, not knowing the words (I don't know the Swedish anthem either-it's something about greenness and nature). The Jumbotron sparkled with patriotic images of eagles, flying flags, and glittering gold stars.

And it was then that I felt a lump come up in my throat. As the voices of 20,000+ people raised up for the anthem that I have heard a thousand times in my lifetime, I realized that a strap had been placed across my chest, squeezing out the air in my chest and bringing tears to my face. For the cheesy graphics, the bad anthem singer on the ice, and 20,000 other Americans, for the darkened arena, and for that moment, I felt so completely and utterly American. For all my wanderings in the world and not knowing who I am or where I am from, I knew in that one moment that although some places may no longer feel like home, some situations always will. And I realized that I sang that song along with the others, tears streaming down my face, feeling so happy to be an American, to be a part of a moment and a culture that I understand, and for one second to be able to let down my guard and just think...Look what great things my country can produce.

The anthem ended and we sat, the excitement of the game charging the air with erratic tension, and my tears continued for a good ten minutes or so. I realized that that moment, the moment in which I sang the anthem with many others, was one of the most homesick moments that I have ever felt in my life. And maybe it was an inconsequential moment, nothing spectacular happened, but never in my life have I been prouder to be an American than that pinpoint in time.

Sorry about the flag-waving rabidity.

-H.

PS-Partner Unit is off on a 10-day trip to Hong Kong (to the land of Simon), so hopefully blogging will be plentiful. And go say hi to Simon anyway-he is about to be a father. Again.

PPS-I am 32 comments away from my 2000th comment, which Drew had predicted would come by the end of December. He was only one week off

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!

I just got back from a trip to my mailbox, and I found a wonderful surprise waiting for me, something which has made my week and put a smile on my face (and it even had me take a shower and change my pajamas!) So to my mysterious benefactor...thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am touched, deeply.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:39 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment
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1 31 comments to go. You should get PU to give me a call; I'll get him down to some of the bars and girls in Wan Chai, take a couple of quick photos and everything's sorted. All your problems solved. Easy! Good luck on the citizenship; is it difficult thing or have you jumped through enough hoops to make it a sure thing?

Posted by: Simon at January 08, 2004 10:10 AM (UKqGy)

2 30! I get choked up over the anthem too, and I'm not overly patriotic. No, check that. I'm rabidly patriotic, I just don't usually cry about it. The song itself is very powerful and it seems that each year as I gain more knowledge and understanding of just what America is (and is about) the anthem's effect on me increases a bit. Tingly, shakey good feelings for sure.

Posted by: Jim at January 08, 2004 10:40 AM (fkewd)

3 28 (Pixy posted below)! He's on some resort island off the coast of Hong Kong for the weekend, golfing with clients. I think it starts with a V...? Sorry, my memory is shot! I can just imagine you liquoring him up now, Simon... As for the citizenship, I would hope I was an easy candidate-I don't want any aid from the government, I have a job , none of my family want to use my citizenship as purpose for their immigration to Sweden...I would hope that it is an easy yes. Then again, my passport was stolen a year ago (they want proof of all travels, and I can't possibly remember them all), and my life is actually looking like it can get better, so it seems credible that something is going to come up that will necessitate little Helen being scraped off the floor with a putty knife.

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 10:46 AM (dAvno)

4 27... The weirdest things make one homesick. My blog is a little underweather, it got too hot under the collar, will post a URL when I have one.

Posted by: Melodrama at January 08, 2004 12:28 PM (SQJZ8)

5 26 and counting... I know exactly how you feel. I moved from San Francisco to Australia four years ago. Even though Australia is now my home, I always feel incredibly patriotic and the most homesick when I hear our National Anthem. No matter how much I love Australia, I'll always be a proud American. Good luck with your citizenship. I start stressing about mine next year.

Posted by: Morgan at January 08, 2004 12:46 PM (XKmek)

6 Hubby is going to a resort island off Hong Kong and you don't remember the name? Oh come on.

Posted by: Robert at January 08, 2004 12:54 PM (bHRGm)

7 As much crap as I give H about the not-so-occasional over-the-top nature of american patriotism, at least the anthem is pretty decent as anthems go - and if memory serves was written for the best reason ... If you had been under heavy naval bombardment all night and survived to see the sun rise on a new day, then you would probably write something similar. This is stark contrast to the dirge that we in Blighty have to put up with - and it's even worse if you're a scot due to a not so politically correct verse about the scots getting their asses kicked ... I think it was Billy Connelly who said that no-one wanted the british to win at the olympics because that would mean sitting through our anthem. A friend of mine once told me that the best thing about abolishing the monarchy would be that we would get a new anthem. Don't get me wrong, I love my country (even if it is a little grubby) - it's just that 'God Save the Queen' doesn't inspire me ... ... however the strange thing is that when you get 50 or 60 thousand belting it out at Wembley before a England/France footie international it's still enough for you to turn to the french supporter next to you and kill him for Queen and Country*. * - Nelson (he of column fame) had the motto: 'To serve the King and destroy the French'

Posted by: Best Friend at January 08, 2004 01:09 PM (4tEWI)

8 24....... Enjoy the next ten days....Sometimes I would LOVE a ten day break from MY "partner unit".....alas, our jobs are not exotic enough to mean trips to foreign lands. I am thinking good thoughts for you.....

Posted by: Mitzi at January 08, 2004 01:09 PM (XXBq4)

9 23_______ Does this mean lots of self gratification in the next ten days? With lots of lovely details???

Posted by: me at January 08, 2004 01:11 PM (XXBq4)

10 22... Robert, I seriously don't know the name of the island. He mentioned it over Christmas...and with all the illnesses and surgeries going on over the holidays then, I think there were better things to focus on then than the name of an island. Morgan-best of luck with your process, stay tuned to hear about mine! Melo-what happened? What? I knew I should have gotten my commenting system in order! Mitzi and Best Friend-thanks for making me laugh! And Me-you betcha'!

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 01:35 PM (z75/5)

11 It's probably best if Simon and PU don't meet up. How would you, Simon, explain your relationship to Helen (not her real name) without mentioning this blog - which as far as we know PU doesn't even know exists?

Posted by: Clancy at January 08, 2004 02:01 PM (EGVPL)

12 Helen, 20? No need to apologize for being patriotic to one's country (I think we need more of that), even if it has its share of faults. I'm not America bashing; but I do realize our motives and actions aren't as pure as I once thought they were and now WISH they were.

Posted by: Solomon at January 08, 2004 02:14 PM (t5Pi1)

13 I'm not rabidly patriotic either. I've never been wholly taken-in with that kind of idealism, but then something will sneak up on you, like the Anthem at a well-placed moment, and choke me up completely. I usually consider myself too much of a cynic to fall into it, but I still do, and at the weirdest moments.

Posted by: amber at January 08, 2004 03:38 PM (iJZeQ)

14 oo, i loved the secretary! lol, my bf's parents rented it awhile back not knowing what it was about and were slightly disturbed. heh

Posted by: kat at January 08, 2004 03:57 PM (FhSIP)

15 That figures. After yesterday's post I brought an ice pack with me to work just in case your "Real Sex" episode spilled over into today's post. I didn't think to bring Kleenex. Although, now that I think about it the Kleenex would work in either case. *Shutting up* Enjoy your quiet time, blog away. A little Nekkid Blogging maybe?! You probably didn't see the comment I posted on Simon's Aussie Awards post yesterday about you but just in case *ducking* Take care, PC

Posted by: Paul USA at January 08, 2004 04:31 PM (bWfDG)

16 I did see that, Paul dearie (and took it in the spirit it was intended!) Blog nekkid!?! Me? Never! You did know it was -10 here, right?

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 04:50 PM (6n2DH)

17 16?... Helen, I am so unapologetically patriotic it's funny sometimes. It's nothing to be sorry for. I think that my epiphany came when I was very young, in Memphis. We had an international youth competition (sort of like a mini-olympics, for kids). I was on the ping-pong team, and the soccer team [we got creamed in ping-pong, and took the bronze in soccer]. We had, ironically, two Israeli kids staying with us. Well, one of the many events that Memphis had planned for this week was that all the athletes would attend a professional soccer game. At the beginning of the game, they, of course, played the anthem. The two kids who were staying with me refused to rise. I was so pissed I couldn't even see straight. Another inconsequential, yet crucial moment. By the way, there's a line in Secretary that mirrored something you wrote almost exactly.

Posted by: Jiminy at January 08, 2004 04:53 PM (zRruH)

18 Helen, Never apologize for being patriotic. Although, discretion in the times and places you exhibit said patriotism is probably wise. But still, no need to ask forgiveness for being a flag-waver. And for Best Friend, who said "Don't get me wrong, I love my country (even if it is a little grubby) - it's just that 'God Save the Queen' doesn't inspire me ..." I quote Eddie Izzard: It shouldn't be "God save the Queen," it should be "God ATTACK the Queen." Yes..... (singing)God aaaa-tack the Queen/Send big dogs after her/That bite her bum And then she could fight off the big dogs with a brick in her handbag and we'd all say "Well, fair play to the Queen, then."

Posted by: Mike the Marine at January 08, 2004 04:58 PM (IOX+E)

19 13... Jiminy you were 15, and now I will be watching said film tomorrow night, glass of wine in hand, waiting in splendor to hear the line you said I nailed almost exactly. I only ever saw that film in the theatre once, but MAN it affected me... And to Mike the Marine (14)-that was a good laugh, man. Thanks. Can't wait to lay that one on Best Friend!

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 05:01 PM (6n2DH)

20 Wahey, wishlists are fun. Takecare and Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at January 08, 2004 05:28 PM (aiwTi)

21 Welcome home.

Posted by: Unknown at January 08, 2004 05:39 PM (D2g/j)

22 I know what you're feeling. I spent six months in Sweden and traveled to other countries while I was there. By the end, I was very sad to leave but equally excited to come home to America. I have to hold back the tears now when I hear the anthem, but I can't hold back the goosebumps. It'll never be the same as it was before I had that experience abroad. Congrats on 2000 comments!

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at January 08, 2004 05:47 PM (NOiRr)

23 My boyfriend volunteers with a team that shows a 50 yd by 100 yd flag (fills a football field). I get choked up every time I see the flag and hear the US anthem. You can be proud of your country and still wonder if we always do the right thing. We have freedoms that no one else does. While I sometimes get frustrated at this country, I am so thankful to live here.

Posted by: cyberangel at January 08, 2004 06:27 PM (lkyCN)

24 Helen, Hope this comment helps the comment count go up. Your blog certainly adds color to the internet. Thanx

Posted by: Marie at January 08, 2004 06:42 PM (fiFW3)

25 Brad-I do think that moving has influenced me, yes. I think that it has hit home more what I miss and don't miss. Exactly what cyberangel said... And Marie, thanks (and I bow down to your photography!) ONLY 5 MORE COMMENTS TO GO UNTIL THE 2000TH!

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 06:47 PM (HLfbA)

26 See now if I wasnt on vacation last week I'm sure would have pushed ya over the mark. Thanks for the comments and thanks for mentioning me in your post. I feel like Made the big time Only 4 more to go. Maybe have an prize for the winner. Autograph picture would do good

Posted by: Drew at January 08, 2004 07:02 PM (CBlhQ)

27 Sorry, your "patriotism" make me puke. I was going to do a rant on blind, sentimental, unexamined national fervor but I can't. I love Anericans, I hate their politics ( Foreign Policy) Anthems are national opiates as is cheap beer and professional sports. Allright, beer is ok.

Posted by: Allan at January 08, 2004 07:38 PM (zAEkf)

28 Makes ya puke huh? Well if all us patriots make you puke, will you promise to dehydrate, shrivel up, and die?

Posted by: Mike the Marine at January 08, 2004 09:21 PM (UJiSP)

29 There's a difference between the "blind, sentimental, unexamined national fervor" type of patriotism many people have (especially in their mid 20's and younger) and "eyes wide open patriotism" that more mature people have. One can see the faults of his/her nation and still believe that for all those faults his/her country is one worth being proud of and worth supporting. The U.S. has faults, but I wouldn't trade my citizenship here for any other.

Posted by: Solomon at January 08, 2004 09:57 PM (t5Pi1)

30 Solomon, my 2000th commenter, has summed my post(and my feelings) up beautifully. Thanks, Solomon.

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2004 09:59 PM (NkhhS)

31 I'm not incredibly patriotic either...until I hear the anthem and see the flag and then I am again. I guess I just need reminders from time to time :-)

Posted by: Rob at January 08, 2004 10:33 PM (pL1ga)

32 do I get to be a palindromic commenter?

Posted by: Guinness at January 08, 2004 10:55 PM (5jKa8)

33 I'm thrilled to be #2000 and to summarize your sentiments. By my count, I thought I was going to be 1999. You obviously have a good and faithful "following".

Posted by: Solomon at January 08, 2004 11:11 PM (t5Pi1)

34 I'm never very patriotic until I'm overseas! I don't know why. I mean, I love living here and all, but I don't really feel connected to my country until I live in or visit another land for more than a week.

Posted by: dawn at January 08, 2004 11:24 PM (4vJkx)

35 Nope Guinness, Rob beat ya to it. Guess you can try for 2112. Honestly, I had to look it up! Nice

Posted by: Roger at January 09, 2004 02:14 AM (HzdL4)

36 I'm with Roger-I too had to look that up (for a mo I had thought it had something to do with iambic pentameter...oh well). But you are 6 away from 2112, my dear Guinness. Hope it's you!

Posted by: Helen at January 09, 2004 09:01 AM (lmJQ/)

37 After recently reading about unfortunate persons being criminally prosecuted in England for politically incorrect speech I decided that I am never leaving the USA again. Ever. This country may not be perfect but it is one hell of a lot closer to perfect than any other country on Earth. H, you posted that you'll be fucked if your Swedish citizenship doesn't come through. Perhaps you haven't considered the fact that you already have the only document you need to get a job here in the USA... your birth certificate (I assume you are a US citizen by birth).

Posted by: Diego at January 12, 2004 10:39 PM (CSc+D)

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First off, anyone heard from Jean or Luuk? Jean? You ok, baby? Luuk? Has Jean fallen in the well? Are you here to get help, boy?

Here's to hoping we hear from either of you soon.

Also, I had a few snaps from NYC and Dallas to share. They're not of my family (since I feel the need to protect their anonymity) but here you go:

This is me at Rockerfeller Plaza.

View image

This is me Christmas morning, unwrapping presents and drinking coffee (yes, that is the perfect bracelet on my arm, and yes- I am wearing Snoopy pajamas and some duck cartoon socks).

View image

And finally, the arena of my precious Dallas Stars.

View image

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 04:58 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 125 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Cool pics...hope there are lots more coming. Am I greedy ...you better beleive it

Posted by: Drew at January 05, 2004 06:14 PM (CBlhQ)

2 Yes, I should've posted them prior to going-then perhaps we could've bumped into each other on the street there!

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 06:44 PM (z75/5)

3 Happy New Year H... love the jammies! I hope everything comes out the way you want it to this year, I have a feeling!

Posted by: zeno at January 05, 2004 06:56 PM (HBKiL)

4 damn..I had my spies at Rockefeller Center (note spelling) looking for you during the day!! Looks like you had a good time.

Posted by: jim at January 05, 2004 07:09 PM (sCsce)

5 wow great pics, love the new hair cut, all looked happy for the moment, good luck with the UK job, t

Posted by: shortt at January 05, 2004 07:15 PM (rRh1a)

6 Thanks shortt and zeno! And Jim-sorry about the spelling, thanks! You can take a girl out of Dallas, but guess you just can't take the Dallas out of the girl

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 08:04 PM (cBIqL)

7 You must miss the Stars terribly. Do you get to view them at all?

Posted by: Jay at January 05, 2004 10:06 PM (TsNvQ)

8 Lassie! Go get help! Luuk and Jean have fallen into the well!

Posted by: Jeff at January 05, 2004 10:34 PM (juHyy)

9 I like the new side bar pic alot, very cute. Glad you survived Christmas with the family, I know it was touch and go for a while.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at January 06, 2004 12:58 AM (AyewP)

10 I officially hate you; you even look good in jammies and bed hair. Whatever happened to that foursome, anyway? Love the haircut, by the way. You look freer. (Freer? Is that a word? Did my brain just explode?)

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 06, 2004 01:52 AM (+zH7A)

11 Jay-I never get to see them over here. Only games with Swedes on the teams are broadcast here, and as the Stars only have one Swede that they keep scratching, their games don't get air time. Which blows. Jeff-good job with the Lassie reference! Kaetchen-it's still on, baby. Just wait until I am relocated and working again, invites for the three of you!

Posted by: Helen at January 06, 2004 09:12 AM (/uSBQ)

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My whole view on children has been shifting quite rapidly lately, but let's set that aside for a moment and let me vent about something.

On New Year's Day, Partner Unit's best friend Hasse and his girlfriend Annika stopped by for coffee and muffins at our house, joining me, Dear Mate and Partner Unit on a calm day.

Well, at least it had been calm. But then Hasse and Annkia showed up in the driveway with their three children, three boys-Annika's 7-year-old son from a previous relationship Hasse's two from a previous relationship (ages 6 and 2). We had never met these kids before. I now understand why, they were likely still being put together by Dr. Frankenstein and so weren't yet ready for public viewing.

It was something out of a Steve Martin film.

Let me clarify one thing, if you don't mind. In Sweden, it is illegal to hit your children. In fact, children are provided with a telephone number that they can call if they are ever hit, and then the parents are in supreme high hot water if said number is called. Now, in theory this is a good idea. I mean, we shouldn't be walking around using children as target accuracy practice or making them cower in case of any sudden movement. That being said, there are a few times when I can think a short swat on the back of the leg can terminate a situation and end a potentially disastrous public confrontation between angry child and frazzled mother.

When I was a child, I was only spanked once, and that was for playing with fire. I think I deserved that one.

The end result is that, in my opinion, Swedish children in public can often be little monsters. You see temper tantrums from children in grocery stores and parents saying: "Now Anders...do you really think that is reasonable behavior?" when the truth is, little Anders can give a fuck about reasonable behavior, he wants some chocolate-covered raisins, and he wants them now, dammit! The children here, overwhelmingly, can do no wrong and have absolute right of way. I have yet to hear a kid of any age here apologize for slamming into your legs while you are carrying 100 pounds of cooking gear and they are mindlessly wandering about the aisles of the store. Or you see little Anders or little Ulrika get scooped up and held by their parents in the midst of a tantrum, and you can see little Anders or Ulrika administer Mommy or Daddy a slap, to which the parents say nothing.

I was raised with the pretty strict motto that children should be seen and not heard. And that we should be unfailingly polite, always. And if we ever talked back or hit our parents...well, the words "organ donation" come to mind as a consequence.

So it was that three little hellions were unleashed on our house, shattering the peace that had been New Year's.

It was quite clear that Annika's son (whom she had always heretofore referred to as "my sweet little boy") was the ringleader. Dear Mate nicknamed him The Thug, and that name was perfect. He was a little terrorist.

The second he came in the door, he had whipped the other two kids into a frenzy. Our collie, Ed the Evil One, was immediately on the spot. Fortunately for him, he is a very sweet-natured and patient dog who absolutely loves children, although I imagine he will need a little holiday from them for a while. The two oldest boys (The Thug and Thug Junior) starting crashing about the living room with a set of plastic golf clubs (I kid you not), bashing them about and clubbing anything in sight. The littlest one (called Thug Lite) just screamed at the top of his lungs.

Then The Thug took Thug Junior upstairs. I heard much screaming and bashing, and I raced upstairs to find the two of them trying to beat our cats to death with said plastic clubs. When I told them no, they protested their innocence but I confiscated said clubs anyway. They then set about sliding down the bannisters and trying to capture the cats. They went into the cellar downstairs, tearing around and trying to torture the animals.

At that point, our normally extremely placcid and friendly cats just managed to avoid detection and tore through the living room, roughly the size of beavers with their hair puffed up to three times the normal circumference, and wedged themselves under the couch, where they stayed the rest of the stay, four glowing eyes looking out under the couch in a mixture of sheer terror, hatred and revulsion.

The Thug and Thug Junior then set about making "traps" for the cats, which included going through the contents of my dresser drawers and stealing our flashlights. This did not sit well with me-I hate having people touch my things, so this set my nerves right on edge. Their parents just rolled their eyes and smiled in a "kids-will-be-kids" attitude. Dear Mate looked as though he would murder them, as he has two half-Swedish half-English kids himself, and he would never tolerate that behavior.

Thug and Thug Junior then came downstairs, ran screaming-literally-in circles in the dining room and started in on Ed. They found out that he will sit if instructed, so took great delight in making him sit and stand and sit and stand, endlessly. The poor dog got so confused that at one point he would stand, take a step, and just sit again in bewilderment. Thug and Thug Junior then went through our kitchen and brought back some raisins (since The Thug had deemed my freshly-baked blackberry muffins to be repulsive), which they ate in the living room by the handful, dropping them on the carpet.

I couldn't concentrate on Annika and Hasse, and truthfully when the coffee was out, I was a bad hostess-I didn't offer or make any more. I just wanted them to go, honestly. I was never so glad to see people leave. Just as they were leaving, the monsters were using Ed's sleeping cushion to body-surf down the stairs.

When the hellions finally left, Dear Mate, Partner Unit and I collapsed. Exhausting. And no, I don't have children and of course I would say this, but for the record:

My kids will never be like that.

-H.

PS-I have been having many problems with my pc, and in general most commenting systems aren't working for me just now (weirdly enough, the mu.nu system works fine for me). For instance, examples of some of them that I have tried commenting on Ilyka's and Melodrama's sites, but I think I am having issues with Java. I also am having fantastic problems with my pc timing out. I'm still reading you guys, just not able to worship you publicly and comment for a while. I'm around. Just quiet.

PPS-I have a pretty good shot at a job with a UK company that will sponsor visas. Send happy thoughts their way, so that they will hire me, 'K?

PPPS-Update on the fuckwittage that is my personal life tomorrow.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:23 AM | Comments (34) | Add Comment
Post contains 1200 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Good luck with the job. As to those kids, they sound like little monsters who deserve a good smack, phone number or not. Sometimes, admittedly as a final resort, but sometimes the only way to get a message across to a kid is forcefully. Kids only know about limits and how to push them; they keep pushing until they get to a point where the costs outway the benefits. Reasoning with them isn't a cost they care about.

Posted by: Simon at January 05, 2004 10:15 AM (FUPxT)

2 Here in Georgia, corporal punishment is actually mandated by law. For exactly such an emergency, I expect. That's not a question of smacking the kids or not, it's a problem with the parents. You didn't mention even once that the parents tried to do any single thing to correct the kids' behavior and bad actions. Bad hostess? Fuck that, they were lowsy guests. If they are close friends then let them know they are always welcome back whenever they have babysitters for the kids but those children will never be welcome in your house again. Sound rude? It's nothing compared to the rudeness they inflicted on your household. Sending kick ass and take name wishes for the job. Good luck, Helen! (When will you know? Is this the same one that wanted to interview just before Christmas?)

Posted by: Jim at January 05, 2004 10:37 AM (fkewd)

3 This is a new one, I am still waiting for the interview for that other one (the other one I have a 50% shot at. This one may be harder to get, but sounds great). Weirdly enough, looks like I could get a contract with Company X in Tel Aviv now...weird.

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 11:05 AM (b2jDK)

4 Oh my, sounds like you had quite the time with small children! My parents have a store that sells toys. When i'm home to visit i often work for them and it has made me reconsider having children on more than one occassion. The tantrums thrown when a "no" is heard are ridiculous! But i must agree with Jim that it has to do with parents doing anything to stop it. I cringe when these tantrums are pacified by the purchase of the toy that the child was screaming over. I also agree that my children will never be like that Good luck on the job!!! And congrats on cutting your hair! It looks fabulous!

Posted by: Laura at January 05, 2004 11:23 AM (blOFA)

5 All the best for the job! You really deserve a decnt break, am sending very positive signals to the powers that be to turn the tides in your favour. Ah! No wonder you've been so quiet! Now, I know you visit atleast! As for brats, most kids are not innocent angels at all but manipulative brats who know how to get what they want. I was raised like you to be seen and not heard and I hope my kids will be well-behaved. I shudder sometimes when I see some kids these days. Most are devils and their parents do nothing about it at all.

Posted by: Melodrama at January 05, 2004 11:47 AM (sSn/u)

6 You surely do have a penchant for naming ppl.. The Thug, Thug Junior and Thug Lite!! lol

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 05, 2004 01:33 PM (AVANl)

7 Good luck with the job, as someone who is job hunting in the UK myself i know how hard it is. As for the hair, you cutie! As for the kids and Partner Units recent behaviour? Yuk! Abs x

Posted by: abs at January 05, 2004 01:38 PM (lnpfn)

8 I can't believe your friends, the parents of the thugs from hell, allowed them to behave that way in your home. When my son was small, he had a thuggish friend with parents just like that, and when he came to my house, he sat in the corner if he misbehaved - didn't matter if his idiot parents were there or not. He learned to behave when I was around. I remember him calling his mother a bitch - he was 5 years old. She said " Bradley, that's not nice", and he said it over and over and over.

Posted by: Beth at January 05, 2004 01:53 PM (igCu1)

9 Helen, "Spank early; spank often" is my motto; and I have two incredibly adorable, loving, parent-honoring, well adjusted, and sweet daughters (9 and 6 years old). "So you hit children to teach them not to hit?", one might say. "ABSOLUTELY!!", I respond. Authorities speed to catch speeders (if you have speed limits), imprison kidnappers, and confiscate stolen property. Authorities are accorded behavior their subordinates aren't. Spanking (not beating) is one such behavior for parents. The younger the child, the more effective are spankings (Plus they can't call that phone number to turn you in); the older the child, the more effective is reasoning. I have an idea I'll post if spanking is against the law where you live. Go Georgia!!

Posted by: Solomon at January 05, 2004 02:50 PM (t5Pi1)

10 As the mother of a toddler, I must say that there are certain situations that spanking isn't a bad thing. I know that as a child, I was not a child that "time-outs" worked on in any way, shape or form. And my daughter seems to have the exact same attitude. Spanking is not a bad thing. Abuse is, but they are completely different things. Oh, and I'm thinking REALLY good thoughts for the UK job for you. I really hope you get it!

Posted by: amber at January 05, 2004 02:52 PM (iJZeQ)

11 Er...Solomon? You are joking, yes?

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 03:17 PM (wV+t0)

12 I have two teenagers and they have never acted that way. I have only spanked them once or twice and usually my 'evil eye' does the trick. When faced with children who run-amuck in your house, it is perfectly alright to promise to flush them down the toilet if their behavior does not turn around immediately....the parents will get the message. If the bad behavior continues, then boot all their asses out of your house.

Posted by: Marie at January 05, 2004 03:40 PM (fiFW3)

13 I hope Solomon is not joking - I love the reasoning. And I want to hear what the alternative idea is if spanking is illegal.

Posted by: Clancy at January 05, 2004 03:57 PM (EGVPL)

14 Helen, Joking? No. Tongue in cheek? Yes. I believe in lovingly and judiciously spanking children. A parent HAS to have instant obedience from his/her children, and spanking is one of the ways to get it from younger children. Why instant obedience? My two daughters and I were crossing a street with a median in the middle. I had my hands full and couldn't hold theirs. I said, "Let's go half way across and stop", because traffic had stopped in one direction only. Both took off running. I yelled stop and Angel1 (9 years old) stopped immediately in the median, but Angel2 (my 6 year old) didn't. Fortunately, the oncoming driver was driving defensively and didn't hit her. When Angel1 was 2, she was getting ready to put a metal object in an electric socket (we were at a friend's house that wasn't "child proof"), and I said, "Angel1, No!", and she stopped immediately. Thug or Thug Junior may have continued and been electricuted. What if the driver had been changing a cd and not paying attention? My daughter's lack of obedience would have cost her her life. If my older daughter had disobeyed, she may have been electricuted and possibly killed. People think they will get their children's respect and obedience when they're old enough to reason, but often they just get older rebellion. So I don't really believe in spanking the live long day, but I do believe in lovingly and judiciously spanking a child. And if they rebelliously disobeyed multiple times a day, they got multiple spankings a day, but those were few and far between. And now they almost never get them. Angel1 hasn't had one in more than a year, and I can't remember the last time Angel2 got one. And both are incredibly loving, considerate, and kind-hearted children. What do you think?

Posted by: Solomon at January 05, 2004 04:03 PM (t5Pi1)

15 H, Not offering the "permissive units" more coffee doesn't make you a bad hostess. If you had poured coffee ON the thugs/children then maybe... how hot was it? Tel Aviv?! Uh dear, that's not Chicago! That just won't do! Best of luck anyway. *sniff* PC

Posted by: Paul USA at January 05, 2004 04:09 PM (bWfDG)

16 The alternative to spanking here in Sweden is to reason with them. I have seen half-hearted efforts at time-outs and such, but in general the kids have the tantrums, do what they want, etc. The kids are not spanked here. What can I say, there's no such thing as "life in prison" here either. I'm not saying I'm against it, I can see the usage of corporal punishment (and to be honest if I had kids in Sweden I imagine that number is going to be called on me), but ONLY to be administered carefully and in the right situations. Kid screaming unnecessisarily in the shop? A short smack on the bottom can fix it. Children should NEVER be hit in the face, nor should they EVER be hit with objects (belts, branches, etc). I don't think a spanking is the answer to everything, I think that there are other options of discipline (grounding, time-outs, going to bed immediately after dinner, etc). I also think it depends on the child. To punish me, my mother used to simply need to say: "I'm very disappointed in you", and I would crumble like a tower of cards and totally behave. My sister's reaction to my mother saying that? "Pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on." Then what the hell do I know-I only have a dog (who gets put in time-out now, instead of the spankings he got as a puppy. This only because time-outs are way more effective on my very social dog).

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 04:12 PM (wV+t0)

17 PaulUSA, darlin'-I still have more of the Helen World Tour to do

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 04:13 PM (wV+t0)

18 Pretty sure I never want children. Truth of the matter is I enjoy not being responsible for little ones who will drain money away from my early retirement plans. Besides dont we have enough little people running around the world?

Posted by: Drew at January 05, 2004 04:18 PM (CBlhQ)

19 As they get older, reasoning is more effective; but one can't always reason (nor should they try) very well with a child under 3 or 4. My grandma used to say, "You can't put an adult head on a child." Grandmas are so wise. And as unpopular as it may sound, "Because I said so" is an appropriate responce to children of all ages.

Posted by: Solomon at January 05, 2004 04:26 PM (t5Pi1)

20 Kids these days.. spoiled brats... anyway Helen, uninsatll java runtime 2.0 and see if that works for you. Look for it in your add/remove programs.

Posted by: pylorns at January 05, 2004 04:43 PM (fD1hc)

21 I'm still in awe of Scratcher's son, who will be 9 next month and *does exactly what you ask him to do*. Not in a kiss-ass way; he was just brought up to respect adults. My jaw dropped the first time we went into a toy store together - he asked for something, was told "no", and said, "okay, dad". Let's clone him at different ages and replace your friends' horrid threesome. Eek.

Posted by: Kaetchen at January 05, 2004 05:37 PM (WZyYB)

22 good luck with the uk job! i've got my fingers and toes crossed. wow, just reading about those thugs, gave me a headache. i'm not a "spanker," but really there's no excuse for letting your kids run amuck like that in someone else's house! oy! oh, and i love all the christmas picks. but you put lipstick on for opening presents? i'm never looking good christmas morning, we all look wild and wooly. i think that's part of our tradition though. however, i love the jammies! :-)

Posted by: kat at January 05, 2004 06:35 PM (qEQy+)

23 Wow Helen, Your much more of a social and generous person than I would be. Hasse and Annika would have been given their marching orders, I wouldn't care how much their "feelings" got hurt. Can they say, "The Moxley Murder"? We can tell a lot about adults/children by how they treat animals. What some people try to keep hidden about their character shows when they interact with defenseless creatures. There is nothing better to see than a child/adult tirelessly coax your/any cat(s) to trust them and not betray the trust when the cat decides to cozy up to them. Best to you for 2004 and as far as employment I'm not worried; you've got skills and drive.

Posted by: Roger at January 05, 2004 06:39 PM (KjAok)

24 I agree, Roger-had they sat down on the floor with their hands out and spent all their time trying to coax my pets (who generally need no coaxing as they are in-your-face loving), then I would've given them all the raisins they could carry. I think we will take Kaetchen's man's son and clone him. He sounds perfect.

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 06:46 PM (z75/5)

25 And Kat-you betcha lipstick on Christmas morning! I am a lipstick girl, and knew that family would be snaps happy. When you have a big round chipmunk face like mine, you need a big of color to convince people you don't have the mumps Looking forward to some artwork, darlin'...

Posted by: Helen at January 05, 2004 06:48 PM (z75/5)

26 "My kids will never be like that." just wait.

Posted by: jim at January 05, 2004 07:03 PM (sCsce)

27 Oi Vey...friends or not, if I had company over that had kids that terrorized my pets and went through my private things, they would be booted out the door and never invited back. I don't give a whit if you don't hit your kids in Sweden, it is not an excuse to allow them to run around like idiots and act so rudely. Btb: Perhaps I'm not supposed to laugh but what your sister used to say to your mother: "Pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on." Made me laugh so hard. I love that kind of humor. Good luck on the job!

Posted by: Serenity at January 05, 2004 08:47 PM (k9RaT)

28 I spent saturday upstairs holding my dear puppy as my wife visited downstairs with her friend...and two of her kids. One was afraid of dogs, including sweet ones apparently, so I had to confine the puppy. It wasn't only that, but the kids ran around and screamed like banshees. I visited blogs and held my tongue. My puppy cried. I wanted to go medieval on some bratty ass. But no, I kept quiet, except for the time I was asked if my puppy dog was bothering me two much and I responded "oh, she's bothering me but at least I still have my eardrums." I always say the wrong things at the wrong time...

Posted by: Rob at January 05, 2004 09:05 PM (pL1ga)

29 Yes Serenity, Still smiling at the "Pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on." bit Jim of "Just wait" Are you the Jim of Snooze Button Dreams? If so, your "just wait" is not a threat. Reading about you and your family swings the balance in favor of having a family

Posted by: Roger at January 05, 2004 09:16 PM (KjAok)

30 ack, see i have the chipmunk cheeks but not the lips (like you do!) for lipstick. i look just god awful in the stuff. which is perhaps part of the reason i get mistaken for a 17 year old half the time! lol... guess i'll just have to let people think i have the mumps or that i'm storing acorns for the winter. ;-)

Posted by: kat at January 05, 2004 10:10 PM (qEQy+)

31 I agree that kids are too coddled these days, but that just seemed like bad parenting. They should have grabbed those kids by the arm and told them to sit the heck down.

Posted by: sean at January 06, 2004 01:10 AM (Tsgvl)

32 how cold is it there? I'd have shut them outside for ten minutes. then say behave or you'll be out til your folks go home.

Posted by: melanie at January 06, 2004 10:52 AM (jDC3U)

33 Melanie-it's about -13 today, and was that day, too. But I think the little hellions are adaptable for most environs!

Posted by: Helen at January 06, 2004 11:29 AM (ukW+j)

34 Helen, you are fare more patient than I am, and I am famous for my rocking horse patience around here! Those little critters would have heard my Raised Voice From Hell after the episode with the golf clubs, and would have left the house, willingly or not, with or without their parents, I don't care, when they started going through my stuff. That is NOT acceptable behaviour. I can't understand the no-spanking laws (Germany has something similar, sadly). I understand where they're coming from (preventing child abuse), but as others have remarked, reasoning is just not very effective for very young and/or bratty and misbehaved kids...

Posted by: Gudy at January 10, 2004 12:51 AM (tXQvz)

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Just a short one from me, since I am very, very tired and trying to get the settings on my reconstructed computer working again.

New Year's Eve was actually fabulous. Partner Unit, Dear Mate and I kicked off the drinking at 5:00 pm, and didn't stop until 3:00 am. Four bottles of wine, two bottles of champagne, and a whole lot of Talisker later, and we all passed out in our beds.

We got to light off masses of fireworks here, which was fabulous. Partner Unit and I had 18 rockets, and Dear Mate had brought 35. At about 10 to midnight, much to Ed the Evil One's great dissatisfaction, the world in Sweden went mad. Fireworks exploded over the entire neighborhood, and when we packed ourselves up in winter clothes to light off ours (it was about -10 degrees that night) we found the sky on fire. It was as though someone had set a big black bowl upside down over the sky and rimmed the edges with Christmas lights-the fireworks went off on the horizon on a 360 degree view. It was amazing.

We shot our rockets off, cheering like maniacs with each explosion. And when midnight came, I kissed the two men, we all hugged, and then trudged back inside to do more damage to the alcohol. Dear Mate (who is indeed divorcing) and I agreed-we offer up a big "Bite Me" to 2003 and hope that 2004 shapes up.

Dear Mate and I watched a bizarre (but, I admit, very funny) English show called "The Alan Partridge Show" all morning on the 1st while Partner Unit slept off the hangover. Dear Mate has gone to spend the weekend with his kids, and I miss him and the buffer he provided between Partner Unit and I. Things are certainly weird here.

So in the meantime, here's hoping none of you still have a hangover. And here is a view of the new me:

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:59 PM | Comments (38) | Add Comment
Post contains 333 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Love the new 'do -- fabulous. Happy New Year, Helen. Make it a great 2004!!!

Posted by: Joey at January 02, 2004 01:12 PM (jrRDz)

2 You look very pretty. I like it!

Posted by: Beth at January 02, 2004 01:48 PM (igCu1)

3 Ok...PU is indeed wrong...you look GORGEOUS with short hair.....The pics are fabulous, and 2004 WILL be a better year!!! Lots of Happy New Years wishes your way.....

Posted by: Mitzi at January 02, 2004 01:59 PM (k+9DK)

4 Short, long, it doesn't much matter. Either way you are indeed beautiful. Although I must say, I do like the short!! Happy New Year Helen!!

Posted by: Clancy at January 02, 2004 02:12 PM (EGVPL)

5 LOVE the new 'do! Perfect for the new year...

Posted by: pam at January 02, 2004 02:32 PM (VTBBF)

6 I love the haircut! It looks great on you. And here's to giving 2003 the finger and happily looking forward to 2004 and all that it will bring.

Posted by: amber at January 02, 2004 02:40 PM (iJZeQ)

7 Holy, holy! Your haircut is great! C-U-T-I-E! Yes, drinking all night is great. Myself, I drank and drank and drank. Then i woke up at 1:00 realizing I had missed the damn event. I was so pissed, I drank some more.

Posted by: Rob at January 02, 2004 03:02 PM (pL1ga)

8 Your New Years sounds a lot more exciting than mine, and the hair is fabulous : O)

Posted by: JaxVenus at January 02, 2004 03:26 PM (D5Tko)

9 The short hair is gorgeous, as is the wearer! Good for you for giving 2003 the flying finger. 2004's going to bring major changes... I hope they're all beneficial. Happy New Year!

Posted by: Light & Dark at January 02, 2004 05:06 PM (Hrm9v)

10 What a fabulous hairdo!!1 I must say that partner unit is off his rocker for the ugly comment. This should prove to him that YOU are a goddess and he should worship!

Posted by: jennifer at January 02, 2004 05:34 PM (lHvU3)

11 looking great... A very happy new year!

Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 02, 2004 05:54 PM (4FgIh)

12 i vote longer hair

Posted by: a at January 02, 2004 06:27 PM (K/rfM)

13 darlin, you are just too cute! i'm glad that your new year was a fun one. i wish i'd had some fireworks! 2004 is gonna be a good one. i can feel it. :-)

Posted by: kat at January 02, 2004 06:51 PM (qEQy+)

14 Fuck anyone who dislikes your hair, your ass, or anything else. You are fine how you are.

Posted by: Jay at January 02, 2004 07:20 PM (TsNvQ)

15 Long hair or short, it's that smile that makes you look stunning. Have a great New Year.

Posted by: zenwanderer at January 02, 2004 07:36 PM (yDFj9)

16 I love the 'do! And the smile looks good on you too!

Posted by: Sue at January 02, 2004 08:18 PM (0SrUW)

17 The new 'do is definitely you. It goes perfect with your smile.

Posted by: James at January 02, 2004 08:41 PM (PbT+r)

18 Your haircut is so cute! It looks great with your face shape.

Posted by: Dawn at January 02, 2004 09:22 PM (FInMl)

19 HAppy New Year! And the haircut is absolutely fabulous!

Posted by: eris at January 02, 2004 09:55 PM (d4VjY)

20 based on PU's reaction to you getting off the boat I say who cares what he thinks about your hair. I like it!

Posted by: melanie at January 03, 2004 01:36 AM (jDC3U)

21 oh Wow ... nuff said really

Posted by: Rob at January 03, 2004 02:06 AM (3zn9b)

22 The new hair looks great--it suits you very well.

Posted by: sean at January 03, 2004 02:40 AM (Tsgvl)

23 Short hair looks so damn good on you. It opens your face up and makes you so much brighter. That pic you have up with the jersey on...you look so! young there! You know, maybe I'll cut all mine off as well.

Posted by: Serenity at January 03, 2004 03:13 AM (4A/WT)

24 Owww - smile too bright! Must find sunglasses! Do your teeth have a dedicated pre-amp or what?

Posted by: David at January 03, 2004 03:30 AM (4dlyT)

25 Relatively new reader. Wanted to wish you the best for the Happy New Year!

Posted by: Ursula at January 03, 2004 05:59 AM (ksJzr)

26 I was right! You look v.nice in this. I love it!

Posted by: Melodrama at January 03, 2004 06:27 AM (7OIr+)

27 Yes, a big fuck you to 2003. But hello to the new hair, looks lovely. Oh, and happy new year, toots.

Posted by: Jamie at January 03, 2004 12:43 PM (CIdqs)

28 The short hair looks great!

Posted by: Eric at January 03, 2004 02:30 PM (fZKKx)

29 Good for you! I'm glad you cut your hair, even though I voted long - simply because you did what you wanted to do. Here's hoping to the New Year.

Posted by: Courtney at January 03, 2004 03:25 PM (1Gy7B)

30 Happy New Year to you too. You're the first [well, technically the second if you count the blog I found your link from...anyhoo] random blog I discovered for this year. Will read more and mind if I link you to my blog? Takecare and Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at January 03, 2004 06:54 PM (UWgli)

31 didn't I tell you that it was a good idea?

Posted by: pylorns at January 03, 2004 11:39 PM (fD1hc)

32 Good for you! What a great look, it completely fits your face. Long or short you look nice either way I must say.

Posted by: Kandy at January 04, 2004 01:53 AM (0SrUW)

33 Lovely as ever, Helen. Of course by "lovely" you know what I really mean. [wink] [wink] [nudge] [nudge] [say no more] Hey, while we're on the subject of people who look great reclining on pillows, whatever happened to Luuk?

Posted by: Jim at January 04, 2004 05:50 AM (fkewd)

34 I haven't heard from Jean in over a week, and no reply to the email I sent her. Think her and Luuk have bailed on us? Happy New Years, you guys!

Posted by: Helen at January 04, 2004 09:59 AM (L9n0L)

35 Is it just me? I can't seem to post on your guestmap...hmmm. Just a general wonderment. Hehehe. Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at January 04, 2004 12:02 PM (p1XYd)

36 I can't get the guest map to open either! I know others have been able to, since there have been postings. I think my whole system is mental...

Posted by: Helen at January 04, 2004 01:15 PM (o79Rx)

37 Hmmm... Maybe Jean and Luuk eloped, like Britney and George Costanza?

Posted by: Jim at January 04, 2004 04:50 PM (fkewd)

38 Great hair! It looks good short.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at January 08, 2004 04:50 PM (kmBPo)

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