January 20, 2004
And maybe I am worthless, but I got the job. A job that pays 50% more than Company X paid me. And I get a company car. Somehow, I feel vindicated.
Last Thursday I went to see the movie "Lost in Translation" in the theater. It's the film with Bill Murray, playing an aging, lost actor who does whiskey ads in Tokyo, and meets up with a fellow lost American who is also pinging around in her space like a drunken pinball. This film has become my second-favorite movie of all time, no mean feat considering all of the time I spend watching films.
I just got this film. It hit me on a thousand different levels of understanding. Not only have I been to Japan and felt like a stranger in a strange land (even though I am part Japanese), there was one scene that clinched it for me, and smacked me upside the head with the strong feeling of: Finally, a filmmaker that writes about something that I can relate to.
There's a scene where Bill Murray's character decides to call home and talk to his wife. Their marriage is ailing and they have become near strangers, bonded together basically for the sake of their children. He rings her up after too much to drink and a bit jet-lagged, mostly because he wants to hear her voice but also because he just wants to reach out to someone. The conversation goes badly, you can tell that they just aren't connecting, and as he hangs up he says: "Well, that was a bad idea." and drops the phone on the bed next to him.
I've done that. Exactly that. And exactly that while I was in Tokyo, no less. And I've had exactly that rocky phone call in a series of other countries as well, and not only have I had them with Partner Unit, I have had them with the boyfriend before him, too. To reach out, pop a number out on the phone and hope on the other end of the line is a relieved voice full of hope and love, not full of exhaustion and daily grind. To ring someone up at the very second when you realize that the thing you want most is to hear a familiar voice that will ground you to the real world in a way that no passport, no nationality can do.
That's why this movie has become my second favorite (second only to "Grosse Point Blank", which has been enjoying favorite status for some years now). It just affected me so much. I understood and related to every scene, every emotion, every need of a traveller desperately trying to find their way.
Partner Unit and I didn't talk Saturday night, since his flight was delayed and he got in at 3 am. But we did talk on Sunday night, and a bit last night too. The good news is, so far we are friends. The bad news is, so far we are both very sad. I did not mention Mr. Y and I never will-I see no need to destroy him just to relieve my guilt. We have agreed to sell the house in the Spring when it may fetch more money. Since the bottom dropped out of the real estate market here just after we bought it, we will consider ourselves lucky if we even make what we owe on the house.
I find I want to hug him a lot, to try to comfort him. I find I want to give him all of my money and make him laugh. I find I want to just curl up next to him in bed and sleep in the warm glow of him. But instead we roll up in our own duvets, two little eggrolls that cannot touch, and sleep fitfull sleep that is broken by Kafka dreams, jet-lag, and despair.
We cannot talk about deep issues, he never remembers what I tell him, his anger is frightening and all-consuming, but I do love him and always will, and nothing will ever take away from the fact that I hate myself for busting us up and breaking his heart.
My citizenship seems to be stalled-the chickie processing my application is out sick and unless she is out for three or more weeks, none of her cases will be re-assigned. So my passport and application linger in her inbox. In the meantime, I am paying 600 pounds and filing for a work permit on my own in the UK, which requires a fuckload of paperwork, DNA samples, sacrificial virgins, and an oath in blood that I will never go on the dole in the UK. I hope to have this done soon, and only once I have this can I start working. So I have no real start date yet.
But now my days aren't going to be spent obsessively pouring through web job sites. I am going to kick back, read books, watch movies, and blog.
In the meantime, here's to broken dreams, hopeful futures, and a small independent film that touched my heart. Run right out to see it, OK?
-H.
PS-Rob has done a hell of a good job with the Best of Me Symphony. Say hello!
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
06:13 AM
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