My blood results came back normal, which then leads me to have to question why I am so seriously tired, so cold, and dealing with the intermittent bleeding.

Things seem to have been changing in me and with me, and I don't really know what that means. Is it good? Is it right? Is this the real me or yet another variant of Helen? Is this the upgrade I have been looking for, the Helen 2.1.A version, the one with the corrective patches?

Since Life 6 has begun, I have radically changed. With the exception of an occasional banshee visit, I am not so angry anymore. At all. Little things don't irritate me and I am no longer more impatient than the Porn King at a Playboy bunny party. I really am calm, low-key (and God it feels so good to not be so angry all the time). I don't have so many complaints, simply because...well...I have been so happy here in this new life. I have this gorgeous house in a lovely country, a good job with a great company, and above all a man that I can't seem to keep my hands off of.

But sometimes I need to be angry. I no longer find it easy to state what I want, what I need. After an event gone wrong, it seems I've reached down my throat and ripped my voice box out. I have taken my voice was taken away from me-I no longer have opinions. It's whatever anyone else wants, I am the second (or third, or fourth or not even on the list) in this equation. I am so busy running around trying to make sure that others are happy that I don't even know what I want. This, of course, was noticed by Mr. Y and I was encouraged to bring back my desires and wants.

I just don't know where they've gone.
I can't find my internal list anywhere.
Not even my emotional reminder post-it notes.

I seem to limit my wants to the little things....I want a glass of Sprite. I want some pizza. I want to hang the laundry out to dry. The big wants, which I know must be in there, hanging out, waiting to get attention...I just can't hear them. I get nigglings of ideas of things that want out...I want another cat. I want to be in the sun so badly it makes me cry. I want to write. I want to stop feeling so squirmy when it comes to understanding the implications of everything going on.

But then they go away again and I am not sure if I really felt them or if I stubbed my toe on some other idea.

The truth is, maybe it is simply not possible for me to have a normal life and be happy. Maybe it's out of my reach, it is not meant for me. I don't get to do the football and ballet carpool, my holidays will always be on somebody else's turf. Perhaps I am one of the fucked-up few that get a life of drama and wandering, a queasy unadaptable sort that can handle a trashcan full of tampons but not the element of security that I have been chasing after all this time.

Sitting on the bed with Mr. Y this morning, we both voice what we've been wondering in the tiniest back of our minds.

Maybe I am tired...because I am depressed. And have been since our weekend in Cornwall. And I don't know why.

For the first time in my life, perhaps the depression has switched from psychotic insomnia to being unable to stay awake, as though 29 years of insomnia have hit me at one thousand miles per hour, straight into the heart, and finally it's taking its toll. It's not a depression of the magnitude that last winter was, where I was unable to bathe, leave the house, eat food, or do anything but sit on the chair, covered in blankets, lost in the deep black suffocating snow of Stockholm.

I'm just a bit blue.

But maybe I know a way out of it.

I had an idea about something-a story that is partly based on something I know about, and partly based on how I could've seen it happening. Dream Job workload is very calm right now, ad I have spent a lot of time in my head thinking about my story, so maybe today I start writing. And the thing is...now I can hear it. I can hear it unfolding, in fits and bursts, in dialog and description. It's becoming real, or I am getting crazier, but it pops into my mind from time to time, whispering of what it needs to become.

Maybe nothing comes of it.

But it's a start.

Tonight Best Friend is arriving to spend the night with us-I see curry and many pints in our future. And tomorrow, Mr. Y's son Jeff is arriving. Jeff (age 7) will be with us for 4 days before going on to stay with Mr. Y's family for 4 days. Melissa arrives next Saturday, and we then have them both for a while. I am not nervous about Jeff-maybe because he is younger and less sensitive to the twittering antennae of the adults, and because he and I get on well. But I can't say that I will stay un-nervous about the continuing times.

Maybe that comes in the next upgrade to the Helen software package, version 2.2. I understand that package will let me re-set the defaults, which is a good move, since I think they're ready to be changed.

-H.

PS-Feel a bit nomadic? There's a new web ring that I can recommend for just that -No Roots. Not just for expats, I think it's for anyone that ever felt their skin wasn't the place they wanted to be in.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:44 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 988 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I think you'll be a superb author and I can't wait to see the results. Although you should know I don't buy hardbacks. Maybe you can let us see some of the work in progress?

Posted by: Simon at July 09, 2004 11:20 AM (FUPxT)

2 Nothing wrong with your blood, well that's good Since you're not angry all the time anymore it might just be you who are relaxing in a way you're not use to. It's one thing to relax physically, but something completely different emotionally and psychologically. Maybe you should give it some time, let things calm down, write that novel and let the new Helen settle down a bit. Besides, contentment is important no matter where you live or with whom. No one can make you happy unless you allow it to happen.

Posted by: croxie at July 09, 2004 11:53 AM (hRWsE)

3 Curator, it is fucking vomiting rain again. The garage even flooded last night. We've taken to wearing sweaters (ahem-jumpers over here) and sweatpants it's so chilly. You got a deal, baby-let's trade. This bad weather is whipping me.

Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 12:08 PM (+q4Bh)

4 Helen, have you looked into the possibility that you have seasonal affective disorder? SAD? Check it out and maybe think about getting a sun lamp, and have it on you like maybe at work, or while you are on the pc. Might make you feel better, and if nothing else, can't hurt. Did you find out why you are bleeding though?

Posted by: Donna at July 09, 2004 12:18 PM (ic53p)

5 Have you ever tried light therapy? I know it's very common in Sweden in the winter time since ppl get easily depressed during the dark period of the year. Might be worth to give it a try. I'm sure you can find some place in London that will provide that kinda service. And I agree about rainy grey weather, it's a killer for the mood.

Posted by: croxie at July 09, 2004 12:19 PM (hRWsE)

6 I think I may agree about the sunlight issue-I think that's why I am craving the sun so badly, I just haven't seen it in a year. Donna-no idea about the bleeding. It's likely related to the IBS happiness, I think. The only other way of finding out what is up (no pun intended) with that is to have a swing by into the scoping area again, and suffice to say, that doesn't interest me at all!

Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 12:23 PM (+q4Bh)

7 A short trip to Atlanta would be the perfect treatment for the sun hungries. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at July 09, 2004 12:35 PM (IOwam)

8 Helen- Love the new looks. I prefer the London Streets skin, but that's justbecause the other skins put the text too far to the right for me to read. (That's a software problem for me -- my browser sucks) Don't worry about your lack of a 'normal' life. No one has it. Just do your best to enjoy your life. ~Easy PS- I do buy hardbacks. I just don't loan them out ;-)

Posted by: Easy at July 09, 2004 01:21 PM (r7BAl)

9 now, that's just wonderful about that story waiting to burst out of you. let it out! :-) the light therapy others have mentioned is a possibility. perhaps get a sun lamp to sit under while you are writing your story? and it would also help to be in therapy i suspect if you haven't started that already. hang in there darlin. i guess there's always something that needs workin on, things that need fiddling with, stuff to adjust. you're doing beautifully. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at July 09, 2004 01:46 PM (FhSIP)

10 Life is all about changes. Not really does stay the same very long. You may be married for 50 years but the marriage itself goes through changes.

Posted by: Drew at July 09, 2004 01:49 PM (CBlhQ)

11 Best of luck with the story. Hopefully the inspiration to write isn't the only one you find! Be well, little flame. And remember to put yourself first once in a while.

Posted by: Paul at July 09, 2004 03:41 PM (xdj7o)

12 Write dammit! And I agree with Curator...as cliche as it sounds, what is normal? We just do the best we can with what we've got...

Posted by: Lily at July 09, 2004 04:06 PM (PuHU/)

13 Others have already said what I was thinking, but I can't resist the urge to add my two cents. I agree wholeheartedly with the light therapy idea. I've heard that my part of the world is very similar to London weather-wise during parts of the year, so I can surely relate to the sun cravings. As far as the depression theory goes, I also think it's sound. I believe there are phases of depression as there are phases of grieving (which doesn't only apply to deaths, incidentally. Can apply to lost jobs, lost relationships, etc.). The anger phase is normal for a time, as is the acceptance phase, and the watch-and-wait phase (where it seems you might be), and the self-assurance phase (where you will be!), and hopefully, someday, the phase where you allow yourself to enjoy all those things you had but didn't see because you didn't think you could possibly be worthy of them. Or is that me? I get confused sometimes, when I read what you write, because you evoke strong emotions that feel scarily familiar to me. The different phases of your life have been more extreme than many people, but in theory I think (hope?) everyone experiences some semblance of the same phenomenon. Being human, that is our job. I've rambled enough. I'm going to go dig up the thing I just reminded myself of and post it on my own blog. I think it got lost when my old archives were suddenly taken offline last month, so it's time for a re-posting anyway. Have a great day, may you receive your software soon to find your new version is less buggy than you found the last!

Posted by: Lisa at July 09, 2004 05:13 PM (uxfbz)

14 Thinking out lot a bit. I'm not an endorser of the view that the top goal of life is enjoyment. Creativity for creative people such as Helen and commenters trumps enjoyment. Creativity and enjoyment may track each other on a chart but not perfectly. Don't know why but greater depression is unkindly connected to creative people. Seems unfair. So if you seek light therapy, be sure and wear a tee shirt that says something to the effect "Creative person inside" so they know you are just going thru what is normal for people like you.

Posted by: Roger at July 09, 2004 06:04 PM (8S2fE)

15 That is...out loud...

Posted by: Roger at July 09, 2004 06:05 PM (8S2fE)

16 Hooray for normal blood results! The cold and tired may indeed be from feeling depressed. I went from insomnia to sleeping and freezing all the time. Physically I was ok, but mentally not in a great place. I considered I might never feel good. But then realized it is a process, albeit slow and frustrating. From reading your words out here, it seems you have the strength and powers of self-awareness to bring yourself through it to happiness. Please forgive if that seems too forward an opinion.

Posted by: karmajenn at July 09, 2004 07:23 PM (fx1A8)

17 It seems to me that once you have achieved so many of the things you have been aiming for for so long it is inevitable that you feel lost and unsettled now. What are you aiming for next? I think you just need a huge new goal in your life, maybe writing that story is it? Be good to yourself Helen and, yes, please write

Posted by: nisi at July 09, 2004 11:30 PM (GB5/9)

18 When you start to hear the story there really is only one choice, isn't there? Babe, you need to write it down.

Posted by: Sue at July 10, 2004 06:55 AM (AaBEz)

19 Maybe not everyone can be happy,and to think that you can be is what is making you want more than you have. Or perhaps I'm full of it. Could be a little of both. But just glancing at what you have, you seem to have a lot of good going on. There's some bad, to be sure, but that comes to all of us. Wishing you well, either way.

Posted by: Dr_Funk at July 11, 2004 07:43 AM (eRLol)

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