Jeff arrived early Saturday morning, a little blond boy amongst a crowded Heathrow airport. A text from Mr. Y's ex indicated that Jeff had been extremely agitated and upset, not wanting to go. Immediately, my heart squeezed in agony thinking that it was because of me, but Mr. Y waved his hand, patted my arm, and told me that Jeff was just likely nervous about flying on his own (but with constant supervision on the airline, as he is one of those with a name tag and a constant plastic smiling escort).

And it appears to be true-Jeff was just nervous. He came out of the baggage claim and customs with a dark blue wheelie bag embroidered with aliens and a nervous smile. Mr. Y's face lit up one thousand watts when he saw his son, and it broke my heart just a little bit-that he can't have his son around him all the time. That I don't know what it feels like to have my soul light up at the sight of my child. That Mr. Y has to miss them so much and there is nothing I can do to help.

Once I greeted Jeff, armed with a chidren's oozie juicy drink made with one part blackcurrent juice and twenty parts gelatin, he had a grin for me.

And we have gotten on extraordinarily well since.

Jeff, who is recently 7, is a riot. He's a little handful of 7 year old whirring about and one hundred miles per hour. He's a tiny skinny thing with the apetite of a rugby team, and we have spent masses of time discussing the merits of the Millenium Falcom versus the ship that Darth Vader (whom he calls the Dark Raider) has. That, and we have endlessly discussed the possibility of The Mummy visiting him at night-weirdly, Jeff is very keen to meet the movie monster as, in his words, he has "alot to learn from him".

I tried to scare Jeff when he was being naughty, only it backfired terrifically and now has become an elaborate plan. When he was acting up, I told him I was going to ship him to Germany (not because I am anti-German, but because the plane he was on to Heathrow then was scheduled to go to Germany). Strangely, if you try to scare him, it doesn't work-tell him a monster is coming tonight, and he will reply "Oh. That's very interesting.", which sends me into giggles every time. Somehow, our Germany idea has become a fantastic plan, and now the idea is I will fold him up into a little paper clip, arm him with a day-old newspaper, a half-bottle of warm orange juice, and one single Lego, and ship him to Germany in a box. He loves this plan.

I think he's hilarious.

Saturday night something unusual happened-he wet the bed. He never does this, so Mr. Y was nervous. Did it mean he was unhappy? Had a lot on his mind? Upset? Or just so deeply asleep he couldn't hear his body telling him it had a weighty issue? Jeff was horrified and upset it happened, but Mr. Y and I acted like it was no problem, that we just love washing enormous bulky futon covers and that it was absolutely part of a normal day, and we held our breath last night-but this morning, in a race to get out of bed and in front of Cartoon Network on the plasma, we saw that he was just fine. He likely was just sleeping too deeply.

And I love this, as it means he is not stressed or upset. And all I want is for the kids to love visiting their father, to love being here.

Yesterday we went to Brooklands, a museum of old racing cars and airplanes (including a final resting place for one of the Concords). Jeff and I amused the hell out of ourselves sitting on old BAC 1-11's and pretending to call the attendant for some juice and buiscuits. Today we are off to Portsmouth, to view old warships and try to dodge the heavy pregnant raindrops that tumble out of the sky. Jeff leaves tomorrow for 4 days (before he is back again) to visit his grandparents. He's exhausting, but I love the kid. We sit on the couch, him holding my hand, my foot, or flat out laying on top of me, and watch TV. I get requested to tuck him in.

Again, I know this isn't parenthood. What I am exposed to is the easy part. I know I am not remotely his parent, never will be, and honestly don't want to be. I know being a parent is one million things more, and a lot more difficult, but you can sign me up for a Honey Nut Cheerio smelling hug anyday.

-H.

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Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:14 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 824 words, total size 5 kb.

1 You might not be his parent, but you can be his friend, which is something most children need. Grown up friends fill a function that parents rarely do, so in a way that is a responsibility just as it is to be a parent. I'm glad that things went so good

Posted by: croxie at July 12, 2004 09:42 AM (4jYyh)

2 So, it's the easy part, so what? It's also some of the best part and should do just what you are doing, that is, enjoying the hell out of the creamy bits. I think you're right, by the way, about it being very difficult for Mr. Y. I personally cannot imagine not having my children around, except, of course, for selected weekends here and there.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 12, 2004 11:12 AM (X3Lfs)

3 Ditto to what Croxie said. Being his friend is the important part. Letting the relationship develop naturally--which is what you seem to be doing--is the way to go. I now enjoy a terrific relationship with my step-father. Once I was able to get past feeling disloyal to my Dad, I was able to accept him. I now have 2 Dads, and I couldn't be happier about it. This did take 25 years, so patience is a key here...

Posted by: Easy at July 12, 2004 01:25 PM (RnYBi)

4 I'm so happy things are going so well. You overlooked one hypothesis for the bed-wetting incident. He was just so excited to be hanging out with you. That would be my excuse, little flame.

Posted by: Paul at July 12, 2004 03:06 PM (xdj7o)

5 I would wet the bed infrequently whenever I traveled when I was little. Stress, a new place, deep sleep, I don't know why. My parents didn't divorce, so that wasn't it. I'd be mortified in the morning too. Glad you and Mr. Y didn't make Jeff feel bad about it. Really cut into my social life as a kid, since sleepovers were out of the question. No WAY would I risk it happening at a friend's house. I outgrew it eventually.

Posted by: Amber at July 12, 2004 05:29 PM (zQE5D)

6 It may be hard for Mr. Y not to see his children everyday but he made a choice and this was the trade off. He seems happy with it so no reason to fret over it. Glad it went well.

Posted by: Drew at July 12, 2004 05:42 PM (CBlhQ)

7 I talked to Therapist about the whole step-mom thing. He likened it to being a camp counselor. You're responsible for their well-being, but you're not a parent. I LOVE being one so far - but like you, am sure that there are lots of challenges ahead, not least of them adolescence!

Posted by: Kaetchen at July 12, 2004 06:09 PM (1nMRx)

8 awww, i'm in love! i adore the bit about having a lot to learn from monsters. that's too cute for words. have fun darlin. i'm glad things are going so well. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at July 12, 2004 06:29 PM (QkuGS)

9 Kids that age are pretty easy to please. At least my son is. Always have gum....you'll be there best friend. I personally love the Cinnamon flavored kisses.

Posted by: Tiffani at July 12, 2004 07:43 PM (xpNFK)

10 You're having fun with him and he's having fun with you. Most important, Mr.Y's having fun with the both of you. Sounds wonderful, Helen. :-)

Posted by: Jim at July 12, 2004 07:57 PM (IOwam)

11 Jeff, most likely, went to bed without going to the bathroom first. Boys of that age have to be reminded to brush their teeth and go pee before bed otherwise they don't do it. After spending a very busy day with you and his father and the stress of travel he probably did sleep too deeply. Usually making sure they go pee before being "tucked in" solves this problem. I have read you faithfully for awhile now, I rarely comment on blogs but I am a mother of 3 boys and they have had many sleep overs - sometimes sodas, excitement and no reminders have resulted in accidents. I just thought I would share what I have learned over the years.

Posted by: Deb at July 13, 2004 03:27 AM (V/cDC)

12 Deb, I think you might be right-thinking back on it, we were so busy brushing teeth and him taking his meds that I am not 100% sure he didn't get pressed to do the willy drip before bed. I am happy to announce the rest of his visit was problem free

Posted by: Helen at July 13, 2004 10:28 AM (LlkAL)

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