Sometimes the "step-parent" thing is hard. I look around at people and think: There's a step-parent. Did they have an easy time? Or read about celebrities and think: Wonder how their step-parenting is going. Their kids are the same age as Mr. Y's. Wonder how they handle it.

The kids are gone, Mr. Y is depressed, and I don't have any way of cheering him up. I don't even think I know how to anymore, I seem incapable of making anyone happy around me. But you know? I do miss having them around. I offered to Mr. Y that perhaps we could have custody of them (although their mother would never ever give them up) and the thing is...I meant it. It's stressful as hell, I have no right to punish them for bad behavior and it drives me nuts when they forget their "please" and "thank yous" but my God can they be good fun.

And the thing about these kids is, you learn so much about the world when you see it through their eyes. I've never known that before. And it's gorgeous watching how good Mr. Y is with them.

Melissa was back to feeling a bit insecure, I think. I felt that something had shifted a bit while they were away, and although she was very sweet and amiable, I felt maybe she was a little on edge about something. I know this is all hardest on her-being 12 she is aware of the sensitivities and the politics, and she really is a sweet and sensitive girl that hates when people have their feelings hurt.

On Saturday at the airshow she would stretch across the whole blanket, only to get up immediately and make room for Mr. Y and then curl up against him. Once he moved, she would immediately stretch back out across the blanket. This became the theme of the day-seats got saved for him, his hand was always taken, and although I no longer feel so weird about it, it can get a bit wearing to always be confronted with: "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy sit here!" and knowing that should I take up a bit of space it might upset her, which of course is absolutely what I don't want to do.

When Mr. Y would sit down with us, she curled into him, laying facedown on the blanket. When a plane flew over that we liked and would remark on, she'd pop her head up.

"Where's that one from?" she'd ask.
"That one's American." Mr. Y would reply.
"I don't like it." she'd reply, putting her head back down, rejecting it (apparently or possibly) due to its nationality.

I wondered if she was feeling particularly sensitive about something. I wanted to ask her about it, but thought maybe a bit of space is what she wanted-I know if I was a kid I wouldn't have liked being on the spot like that, questioned by a grown up, and had a grown-up questioned me I would've lied my teeth off and then felt even weirder around them. Mr. Y and I talked, and he told me something that made sense-in Sweden the English speakers are in two rival camps, the American English and the British English. Since she has a British father the British English is her allegiance (as it should be), hence her perhaps perceived dislike of American-ish things.

Melissa and Jeff had obviously been up way too late the night before and were a bit touchy, at each other's throats, a bit snarly, and in general really needed to be kept in their opposite corners for the day. Sometimes I didn't like how she treated him, but then again, I don't always like how he responds either-more than once I was the recipient of his anger when he was furious with Melissa.

In case I have said something clumsily, let me be clear-I am not having a go at Melissa in any way. I honestly think she can be a sweetheart, and quite a few times we got on incredibly well (including a discussion of how one of our favorite foods, asparagus, makes your pee smell. I love kid conversations). Melissa is very much a Daddy's Girl (which I simply have to get used to, albeit get used to it with absolutely no experience or history of it from my own past). Melissa and Jeff bait each other with supreme skill (I witnessed Jeff having a go a few times-I like him, but man he can be a handful) and this is what siblings do, after all. I know-I used to have one. My God, sometimes we could be vicious to each other-I remember throwing an entire shelf of tupperware cups at my sister one day. But that's nothing-one day she threw steak knives at me. That's right. Steak knives. So this is, I know, how kids act, have acted for centuries, and will always act.

At one point, Jeff turned to me while he was draped across my back, my own personal Batman cape.

"Helen, what are you?" he asked.
Looking up at the sky, watching an airplane loop around, I replied absently "I'm supercool, Jeff."
"No, I mean, what are you to me and Daddy?"
SNAP! went my attention to Jeff. So it was this discussion. I was wondering if it would come up.
"Well," I said carefully but acting nonchalant. "I am your daddy's girlfriend."
He thought for a minute. "So what does that mean for me?" he asked finally.
"You have a Mummy and a Daddy that love you very much." I replied, still acting calm but inside a riot of emotions. "I'm your good friend. I care about you and want you to be happy."

He thought for a minute.

"That's good." he finally replied. "I think I need a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or someone that will watch Atlantis with me."
"I can watch Atlantis with you, if you want."
"Ok. That's ok then." he replied.

End of discussion.

Sunday afternoon Melissa and Jeff chill out on the sofa watching Starsky and Hutch and I busy myself tidying up, doing laundry, being the standard domestic goddess. I get out the blender and whip up a comatose-inducing sugar combo of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, Ben & Jerry's Phish Food ice cream, milk and Maltesers (that's Whoppers to my people). I serve Melissa and Jeff and am met with extreme appreciation.

Mr. Y and I take them to the airport, and wait in the queue (line) to check Jeff in (Melissa had an e-ticket). Jeff and I are busy fucking around, joking and being a general nuisance while Melissa is draped on an increasingly angry Mr. Y (he hates queues. With a passion.) I hug Jeff.

"You need to give your Mummy and your budgie lots of cuddles when you get home." I tell him. "I bet they've both missed you terribly."

Hey-I may not like the woman much (and I know the feeling is mutual), but I know she loves her kids and probably missed them badly.

Jeff turns to me. "I like Daddy's American girlfriend." he says with authority.
"Well thank you. I like his half-English, half-Swedish son." I reply.
"I think American girlfriends are cool. But so are Swedish girlfriends and English girlfriends." he says hastily.
"I see. And Australian girlfriends?" I ask.
"Yeah. They're ok." He says, shrugging.

When we take them to the gate, it's hugs all around and I even get a hug from Melissa. Jeff squeezes me tightly and plants a kiss on my cheek.

"I love you. Do you love me?" he asks.
I squeeze him until he squeaks.
"I love you." I reply.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:45 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 1294 words, total size 7 kb.

1 *hugs* no need to tell you what I think about this

Posted by: melanie at July 27, 2004 09:17 AM (jDC3U)

2 Beautifully written. I especially like the: "I see. And Australian girlfriends?" I ask. "Yeah. They're ok." He says, shrugging. He'll learn. Aussie girls are the best.

Posted by: Simon at July 27, 2004 10:03 AM (UKqGy)

3 Yawp...a good friend is the best thing you can be And Melissa will come around...she's in a difficult age though. A 12 year old can be the most bored creature on the planet, they can also act very grown up, or very childish. It's a big emotional mix that a divorce doesn't really improve much. It might take more time before she is secure enough to know how to act with both you and Mr Y in the same room, but I'm sure she will come around too. Sounds like things are going okiday though

Posted by: croxie at July 27, 2004 10:42 AM (3uODC)

4 Dang, I'm getting all sniffly here. Good thing it's 0-dark-thirty and nobody can see me so I can maintain my airs of uber masculinity. That was very sweet, Helen. It is so great that you and Jeff are getting on so famously. A side benefit you might not have thought about - you clicking with him so well is letting Melissa get the extra attention from Mr.Y that she really needs right now. Very cool.

Posted by: Jim at July 27, 2004 11:01 AM (behRF)

5 It's definitely a difficult situation -- but with your beautiful, caring heart I'm sure things will be just fine. From my perspective: a mother who is watching a son blossom under the tender-loving-care of his "step-father," there is nothing quite like watching two people whom you love very - VERY - much cut up and love each other. I'd wish you luck for the future with them; but like I said you have a beautiful, loving heart. You won't need the luck. ;o)

Posted by: Emma at July 27, 2004 11:08 AM (NOZuy)

6 I'm with Jim, the end made me tear up, too. For someone with no experience, sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. That ice cream thing you made ought to give you instant cred with any kid. Boy am I impressed!

Posted by: RP at July 27, 2004 11:08 AM (X3Lfs)

7 You said, "The kids are gone, Mr. Y is depressed, and I don't have any way of cheering him up. I don't even think I know how to anymore, I seem incapable of making anyone happy around me." WTF is this about? Sounds to me like you made everyone around you happy all weekend, at least as happy as they could be. You are not responsible for everyone's happiness, or unhappiness, you do not have that power. Is everyone in your life responsible for YOUR happiness? Or lack thereof? Well, then why are you responsible for theirs? Mr Y's kids will be fine. Mr Y will be fine. And if they are not, it is not your fault, or responsibility. (This doesn't excuse nastiness, abuse, or neglect, none of which you are capable of, and even if you were, I'm sure Mr Y wouldn't allow it.) You are doing all that you can do, being friendly, comforting, available, and nurturing. You can't do anymore than that. And Mr Y is supposed to feel unhappy when his kids leave, if he didn't THEN there would be something wrong. And you? Not responsible for his unhappiness, or happiness, you cannot control the world, not even his.

Posted by: Donna at July 27, 2004 12:06 PM (Ae9fR)

8 Next Sunday I´m leaving for the south, taking my darling V. and her two nieces (3 and 5yo). I can relate so much to what you wrote... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at July 27, 2004 12:55 PM (icJQo)

9 We've got 1 daddy's girl & 1 mommy's girl, and it breaks my heart when our mommy's girl periodically doesn't want anything to do with me. You don't have to be a step parent to feel that pain We still play, cuddle, and have fun...just not as much as I'd like. In the Solomon house, if a request doesn't include "please", the automatic answer is "No." ALWAYS! And when they change their request to include "please", they get the real answer (which is still "No" sometimes .

Posted by: Solomon at July 27, 2004 01:29 PM (k1sTy)

10 Sounds like things are right on track. Sounds like Melissa is still angry--which is normal for this situation--but it also sound like she's trying. At no point did it sound like you were "having a go" at Melissa. It sounded like she's a typical 12 year old girl. They should behave around you, just as they would any other person. You and Mr Y need to establish what he's comfortable having you say to them. Insisting on a "please" and "thank you" should be things you can address IMHO, but again, it's up to you and Mr Y. Be prepared for the "You're NOT my mother" outburst no matter what you do. As for Mr Y's hapiness, just keep in mind that he's not unhappy with you. He's just unhappy at the moment. It will pass. Again, it sounds like things are right on track. :-)

Posted by: Easy at July 27, 2004 01:36 PM (x3DnN)

11 Um, do you think Mr. Y would have an objection to you being my American girlfriend too? :-) I love how kids think. Whenever my nephews are out, I love just talking with them. Jimmy was telling us about his friend Koresh and my dad asked if he was Indian. Jimmy looked at him, kinda confused, and said, "No, he's from Chicago." I sometimes think the world would be a far better place if we'd let kids make the really important decisions.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 27, 2004 02:00 PM (Kpjuf)

12 Fact of the matter is that Melissa may or may not ever come around to liking you or even accepting you. She may blame you for many many years of the breakup of her mommy and daddy and may even go out of her way to make you miserable. As far as custody of the kids prehaps Joint but I doubt the courts would give full to him. Usually courts will allow the mother to keep custody. In any even I don't know how well Melissa and her brother would do with being taken away from the home they grew up in. All you can do is focus on your love for Mr.Y and go from there.

Posted by: drew at July 27, 2004 02:25 PM (CBlhQ)

13 H, Playing the role of step parent is very tough indeed. The girl I've been seeing for months now is in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Her son is 10 and as much as she's tried to shelter him from the process it's affecting him. Deeply. I have not even met him yet because she's not sure how he'll react to a stranger being introduced into everything that's going on. As much as we may want to help people we see that are hurting, and do so immediately, we can't always choose the pace at which things happen. Patience, grasshopper. Melissa is coming around but it may take a bit longer. You're doing great! In her eyes she will always want to be Daddy's #1 girl! And rightly so.

Posted by: Paul at July 27, 2004 02:42 PM (xdj7o)

14 It's so damned complicated, isn't it? Every once in a while Niblet refers to me as his stepmom, and I just WIG OUT inside - because for me, stepmom means I'm married to his dad, which is a long way off. On the other hand, it's better for him to be thinking in permanent terms, so that he doesn't get the impression I'm going to drift back out of his life. Because damnit, I'm here to stay. Does Mr Y have no custodial rights at all? That seems unusually harsh. He really needs to be able to interact with M and J more regularly than just a weekend here and there. It can't be good for them to have a dad only once every eight weeks (or whatever). As for you, darling, it sounds as if you did well. Kids take time. *Anything* good takes loads of time.

Posted by: Kaetchen at July 27, 2004 04:18 PM (1nMRx)

15 Wow, you're doing great. I'm always so impressed at your attitude...

Posted by: ember at July 27, 2004 04:24 PM (kLa46)

16 Hi Helen..I decided to call my step-daughter,my chosen daughter.It sounds so much nicer and gentler and she loves it.When Im asked by the school(or someone) if shes my step child,I say ..no shes my chosen child.We have learned to love each other a lot. It takes time to adjust to having a ready made family and I think your doing a great job just have fun and go with the flow..

Posted by: butterflies at July 27, 2004 05:12 PM (mF/af)

17 Not that you need praise from strangers... but you handled Jeff's question about as perfectly as I can imagine. Sounds like you a great job with all of this.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at July 27, 2004 05:17 PM (3hZer)

18 Wow, sounds like you handled that beautifully.

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 27, 2004 06:15 PM (tJZAo)

19 Sorry Mr. Y is going through the doldrums; it's to be expected. It's not your fault; please don't go that route. I know, it's hard. I still find myself getting terribly anxious whenever Dan is sad or upset. I want to fix him but he just wants me to act "normal" and quit fussing over him. Sometimes we bicker over my good intentions. Happens... Jeff will probably continue to warm up to you. He's a boy, after all. Gender counts in this. Melissa...well, she's 12? Sheesh....one day, when she's around 15, maybe before then, she'll be visiting you guys, and the "I hate you, you're not the boss of me, blah blah blah" attitude will flash out. Stomping down the hall, slamming the door, poor poor Melissa. But my daughter and all my friend's daughters did that too, even though they all had an intact home. I did the same thing to my mom too, and she was a widow. You'd think I would have had some compassion in her case, right?...but...NOPE! Teenage girls are not known for compassion. ;-) Try not to take it personal. If you keep a sense of humor about it and try to shrug it off when she starts poking you and Mr. Y, (something she is genetically programmed to do, I believe), maintain your calm and cool demeanor, (at least in front of her; when you and Y are alone, you can have at it about her with relish) then when she snaps out of the whole thing around 17 or so, you'll be looking golden. This was very sweet, Helen, thank you for sharing.

Posted by: Amber at July 27, 2004 07:30 PM (zQE5D)

20 One quibble: Maltesers are not Whoppers. They fool you into thinking they are Whoppers, but after a handful or two you realize: instead of the cool, crunchy, dryness of malted milk, your mouth is now coated with a sickly-sweet honey film. Gah! Wither Whoppers? And why are the purple Skittles suddenly blackcurrant, the most evil of all flavors? I cry, alone, into my pillow.

Posted by: angel at July 28, 2004 11:05 AM (VDG65)

21 ("Whither," too.) (Helen, your "Remember personal info?" option never remembers me. )

Posted by: angel at July 28, 2004 11:06 AM (VDG65)

22 It doesn't remember me either...never has.

Posted by: Solomon at July 28, 2004 12:47 PM (k1sTy)

23 Angel, Maltesers make me cry, too. I hate the things, yet I liked Whoppers. No idea why the "remember me" function not working...

Posted by: Helen at July 28, 2004 01:02 PM (TmM0X)

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