Well, I'm not burning mine, after all. I have super-cut lacy demi-bras that I like too much, so just loan me yours for the duration of this post, ok?

Last week, Best Friend and I consumed entirely too much curry and beer in a little Christmas celebration for two. During said meal, he mentioned the latest "Men's Health" magazine discussed the ideal criteria for determining if a woman is wife material, which Best Friend summized in a mail for me. It is thus:

- Good wives are interested in being good moms
- Good wives have that sex trigger that you just want to keep pulling
- Good wives drive like guys. Driving is a great measure of competency
- Good wives understand how to nurture and grow your money
- Good wives have a sense of humor (or they wouldn't have considered you!)
- Good wives are not being treated on an outpatient basis for anything

Allow me to vomit copious amounts, please. Just a sec now...

OK, vomiting done. I briefly considered just giving up dick and going gay if I am to be judged on this crap criteria, but instead allow me to rebut, if you don't mind.

- Good wives are interested in being good moms-what a stupid statement. What woman, on becoming a mother, doesn't want to be a good mom? Huh? I mean, do you know of any pregnant women watching "Mommy Dearest" and looking for pointers? Do you think any of them are contacting Michael Jackson for valuable parenting advice? Stupid criteria.

- Good wives have that sex trigger that you just want to keep pulling-so if we aren't wearing a layer of clingwrap and dancing on the coffee table, inviting our female friends over for a threesome for the evening, or dropping to our knees and unzipping your fly in hurried and rushed motions for a little throat yogurt, then we are not the ideal woman? Let me tell you, gentlemen-it's a two-way street here. We want to be treated like a whore in the bedroom and a goddess in every other room in the house. Remember that, and we will reward you nicely. Of course, we reserve the right to make you treat us like a goddess in the bedroom, too. Just read the signals, boys. Read the signals.

- Good wives drive like guys. Driving is a great measure of competency-then every single man I have ever been with is thereby a complete waste of Darwinian strategy. Partner Unit drives slower than a hearse in a funeral procession. Kim used to do odd things like superglue briefcases to the roof of his car to see how many people would gesture wildly to him on the motorway. These guys were nimrods at driving, but good men.

- Good wives understand how to nurture and grow your money - it's called shoes. They're the gift that keep on giving. Talk about the perfect investment! Or better yet, I will nourish my money. You nourish your own fucking money. Individual accounts, baby.

- Good wives have a sense of humor (or they wouldn't have considered you!) - good people have a sense of humor. Bad people think clowns are funny.

- Good wives are not being treated on an outpatient basis for anything - that's right. So the woman you love being treated with chemo? Dump her. The woman who was molested as a child and is seeing a therapist to get over it and rebuild her life? Yeah, she should go.

Clearly what Men's Health wants you to look for is a woman who can't wait to have babies, is healthy as a horse, drives like Mario Andretti, works as an investment banker when she's not busy trying to devise new ways to get you off, and thinks Jim Carrey is God.

You know who the perfect wife is? A woman you can't wait to talk to first thing something happens in your life, be it good or bad. A woman you can't keep your hands off. A woman you can talk to about anything and everything, and is someone you can even fight with and still make up at the end. It's a woman you find exciting, even when she isn't around you. Someone who sometimes has a problem and needs you there to help her find the solution. Who you can't resist holding her hand. Someone who takes up a thousand minutes of your day. The perfect wife is the woman that you fall in love with. Don't let any stupid, irresponsible fucking magazine convince you otherwise.

The answer, boys. It's all there.

In the meantime, if I am being judged by this criteria, then I am going to arrange my foursome now, to be chaperoned by Jean.

-H.

PS-Holy cow, I couldn't believe the response I got to long versus short. Long won out 23 to 17, but I am still going to think about it and dwell. It may just happen-Laura was bang on, it's because it's a transitional thing. So let's see what happens...but I love that you guys gave me your opionion. I read and re-read all the comments. But sorry Guinness and Stu-I'm not going blond

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:52 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 883 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I can't stand magazines that tell me what I should be looking for. Usually, I have no clue what I'm looking for until I happen upon it. Though I hate defining things, your definition at the end is about as good as it's gonna get. BTW, when you used the term ''throat yogurt,'' I just about choked on my drink. LOL That's a new one to me.

Posted by: James at December 17, 2003 10:14 AM (PbT+r)

2 I did snarf on "throat yogurt". Oh, Lawdy! You can be dangerous in the morning Helen. Your summary is spot on but add in compatibility somewhere. As in some sort of common interests.

Posted by: Jim at December 17, 2003 10:37 AM (fkewd)

3 Did he really glue briefcases to the roof of his car? That's absolutely brilliant! And I think this post highlights the kind of readership Men's health is aiming for... the don'thaveaclue crowd. Now I don't have a clue but I damned if I'm going to take the advice of a publication which features bench pressing tips on a regular basis.

Posted by: Rob at December 17, 2003 12:39 PM (kXZI6)

4 I agree with every single word you wrote in response! Especially the bit about the bedroom he he abs x

Posted by: abs at December 17, 2003 01:00 PM (lnpfn)

5 I am surprised they didn't suggest we look for short girls with flat heads who wear dentures. Was the phrase "child bearing hips" mentioned in the article? Maybe some suggestions along the lines of "not too smart, so she doesn't talk back to her man"? Bleck! Trust me, there is a group of men out here who are looking for a partner, not just a wrist watch (as in something to wear on your arm in public), someone to share with, to learn from, someone who cares, and we can care about. Now if you will excuse me I must go pump some iron, have a protien shake, and hit the bars lookin good drivers =) Dane

Posted by: Dane at December 17, 2003 01:20 PM (ncyv4)

6 Rob, he really did glue briefcases to the roof of his car. A few times, he glued a coffee cup there. The final straw was he built a fake Gatlin gun on the front of his car just to see people freak out in the rearview mirror. I refused to ride in the car at that point.

Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2003 01:31 PM (DbywB)

7 You've said it perfectly in the rebuttal. Who wrote the 'Men's Health' article? Probably a single guy who's longest relationship was 3 months. That's it, I've found a job for you. Write freelance for the magazines!

Posted by: amber at December 17, 2003 02:31 PM (iJZeQ)

8 not bad

Posted by: pylorns at December 17, 2003 03:17 PM (mkbJL)

9 Somehow I think that "sage" from Men's Health would be a lot less stringent when listing criteria for a "good husband". I'm sure in his mind having a pulse and remembering to put the toilet seat back down after peeing would make a guy quite a catch! Hey H, Not to digress but in regards to the whole hair thing.... just get a crew cut. Every guy here (as well as most of the women) would still be madly in love with you! And that way the carpet would match the drapes! Hrrrrrr.

Posted by: Paul USA at December 17, 2003 03:27 PM (bWfDG)

10 No it wouldn't, Paul my dear. I shaved my minge off last night. Ahem

Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2003 03:31 PM (Msznx)

11 Hmmm, I am now feeling a little sheepish about my choice of reading material, but I think that I will re-offend purely in order to research new copy for Helen ... As a bonus - from the same issue - the answer to that perenial hot potato: "How and when can a guy bring up condoms without breaking the mood?" There shouldn't be a discussion about condoms: You should just have one with you and put it on when you find yourself buck naked with a woman who's smiling at you from between her knees.If you find yourself lacking a prophylactic at the crucial moment, ask if she has one at hand.No need to be shy - women love it when a guy does the right thing without waiting to be asked. *Best Friend adds: If you have swallowed a condom there is no why of 'bringing it up' without breaking the mood - unless it is your party trick. I add this because I once was with a girl whose trick was to put the condom on with her mouth ...*

Posted by: Best Friend at December 17, 2003 03:34 PM (k78uM)

12 i offer my bras up for burning. i need some new ones anyways! my bf is the slowest driver ever...silly list. but at the same time, any similar article in a women's mag would probably be just as rediculous. and uh, article or no, do start arranging that foursome! ;-)

Posted by: kat at December 17, 2003 05:15 PM (qEQy+)

13 you and i are on the same track, sister! ever think about running for president?

Posted by: at December 17, 2003 05:28 PM (lENep)

14 i love what you have to say in regards to the men's health article, we are on the same page, sister!(hooting like i'm an audience member at the arsenio hall show)AREN'T shoes the perfect "investment"? just like you said, the gift that keeps on giving....

Posted by: Amanda at December 17, 2003 05:38 PM (lENep)

15 My cure for stupid magazines like that is "don't read." I quit reading after grad school and I've been much happier. Of course, my ignorance level is ever increasing but hey, I'm happy!

Posted by: Rob at December 17, 2003 05:53 PM (IyW9G)

16 so what you are saying is that you are not the good wife type?

Posted by: Guinness at December 17, 2003 07:03 PM (7uAz8)

17 Well, I do have a sense of humor, am a great driver, and love to have fun in the bedroom. Does that mean I fulfill the stupid Men's Health criteria, or do I fulfill my own criteria? Guess we will have to let the men folk answer that one. If anyone needs me, I'm going shoe shopping with Kat and Amanda.

Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2003 07:32 PM (OCn8B)

18 And I would be a great presidential candidate, if only it weren't for my sordid sexual past

Posted by: Helen at December 17, 2003 07:32 PM (OCn8B)

19 Damn! and I almost said shaved head but backed off lest I presume too much. You go, cueball!

Posted by: Paul USA at December 17, 2003 07:47 PM (bWfDG)

20 Oh! Giggle! I want like, world peace, and to help the elderly, teach tiny children, bake cookies, have TONS of kids...I've had the perfect life, never been mad or upset about anything EVER! I don't pass gas, belch or spit! I bake a mean apple cobbler, I keep my house...oops, giggle, I mean my man's castle, neat and orderly at all times, have his dinner on the table when he comes home while I wait on him hand and foot wearing my French Maid's outfit. ::flips dyed blonde hair and adjusts breast implants to show more cleavage:: giggle! And like, I also know my ABC's, how to fill the car with gas and I get a weekly allowance from my man and I never go over budget or ask for more money. Oh, giggle, and I LOVE it when he buys me blenders and other assorted household appliances for my birthday...when he remembers my birthday. Course, giggle, I never say anything when he forgets because I know I'm damn lucky to have him in my life in the first place. Tee hee! SIGH! I'm glad you took the time to point out the idiocy in those statements, dear Helen. It's when I read crap like what men's magazines tell guys are "worthy" females that I'm so DAMN glad I'm single. Guys that buy into that should just get themselves a maid and a blow up doll. Leave the REAL women to be with real men.

Posted by: Serenity at December 17, 2003 08:15 PM (3XIYy)

21 Please, allow me to interpret Men's Health's (which is a far better pub than most other men's mags) intentions so that they're "rules" make more sense. Good wives are interested in being good moms - men want women who want families (with some exceptions, of course) and believe me, I've seen plenty of mothers who treat their children like furniture. Good wives have that sex trigger - most men don't want some utter nympho freak who humps your leg when you get home from work. But they do want some sexin' from time to time and being made to beg for it just means some hand jive when the woman's gone to bed. It also connotates a stronger and more intimate bond between the man and woman. Good wives drive like guys - no, not the catatonic numbnuts wankers who talk on a cellphone and drink coffee and swerve all over the road. Guys want someone who doesn't crawl along, scared of every car on the road. (and yes, men are just as guilty of being crappy drivers too, we want them to drive like men too). Good wives understand how to nurture and grow your money - I've no idea what the fuck they're talking about here and cannot even bring myself to defend this unutterably stupid statement. Good wives have a sense of humor - damn right, anyone who can't laugh at you, at themselves and at the world will get old damned quickly. But senses of humor vary, there are the dumbasses who laugh at Everybody Loves Raymond and then there are the people who understand and laugh at Dennis Miller's obtuse brand of comedy. Good wives and the outpatient yadda yadda yadda - they're getting at the let's find someone stable, healthy and ready for a deep and committed relationship. Not a woman who they get nervous about when she's in the kitchen hacking vegetables up with a meat cleaver. And show me someone who's looking for dates in between chemo treatments and puking and feeling like shit. i get you gist and they do have a tendency to be ham handed in their criteria but take a look in any five women's magazines and you'll find far, far worse garbage "checklists" for a desirable man.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at December 17, 2003 08:46 PM (YkElu)

22 Whenever a "Men's Health" article crosses my desk, I think of it as a humor mag. for the stereotypical brain-dead, beer-marinated redneck, then I'm rolling on the floor. It's just such an asinine pub. that it's hard to take offense.

Posted by: brj at December 17, 2003 09:32 PM (zMMbX)

23 ....just because you are a Scotch-marinated Tennessee Redneck doesn't mean you can't respect a Lady, and treat her as an equal... Oh, and Helen...go with the short hair, darlin'....pretty please?

Posted by: Eric at December 18, 2003 12:12 AM (fZKKx)

24 haha...ironically, promulgating these ideals to a potential spouse, would most likely jeopardize a Man's Health!!

Posted by: jim at December 18, 2003 05:21 AM (lN8eP)

25 Perfect wife, pfffft. OK, m'girls, I've got the room ready! heh heh... digi-cams are all set up and everything, toys set out, lovely fresh sandwashed silk sheets on the bed. Helen, re the hair: short is really cute, but I vote for leaving it long. Maybe trim it some (so it doesn't take so freakin' long to dry!), but long lets you do so much with it.

Posted by: jean at December 18, 2003 08:00 AM (Af9+w)

26 And I would be a great presidential candidate, if only it weren't for my sordid sexual past ------ Yes.. You are far too moral and straightlaced to be a President.. : :

Posted by: LarryConleyt at December 19, 2003 09:52 AM (A4qhf)

27 oh please. Cosmo and the rest have been printing the equivalent 'good man' articles since the invention of the printing press (ok, I exagerate, but only a little). Where's the moral outrage? Real men don't take these magazines seriously anyway and it baffles us that you do. Moreover, they're not for 'braindead rednecks' (who read useful stuff like Hotrod and Guns&Ammo and Timber Construction), but for gender-challenged metrosexuals. I think all y'all should just take a brandy and a nap if it upsets you so much.

Posted by: Jake at December 23, 2003 04:00 PM (N2Q7m)

28 Here are the rules for women. Play by these rules and all the other bullshit goes away. I have a wonderful wife who plays STRICTLY by these rules and our relationship is AWESOME! She had two failed marraiges before she found these rules on the internet and started following them religiously. She credits number 8 with saving her life. We met a year later and the rest is history. I for my part act like a man and a GENTLEMAN to her. Case closed. 1- Learn how to communicate Say what you mean, ask for what you want directly . Expecting a man to interpret indirect signals and read your mind is not communication. 2- Learn to be consistent Irrational behavior just doesn't cut it. If you say you're going to do something, then follow through and do it. Be honest with yourself -- don't say one thing and do another. And for God's sake, don't change your mind a million times. 3- Stop using sex as bait If you want to have sex, then have sex. Don't use sex as a tool to manipulate men. And another thing: Stop tempting men with low-cut dresses or bare midriffs and then blame them for trying to get you into bed. If you need attention that badly, go see a shrink. 4- Develop a conscience Stop abusing your sexual power. Many women have no ethical dilemmas at all about using men for favors or financial gain by dangling the promise of sex in front of them. Not only is this deceitful and immoral, but it's a double standard nothing short of fraud. 5- Knock off the mixed messages If you're interested in a guy, let him know it. Ditto with sex. Maybe playing hard to get is cool if you're 12 years old, but it's just annoying 20 years later. Refer to rule #1 -- men aren't able to read minds, so don't expect them to. 6- Stop expecting men to finance your life This is the 2000's, for God's sake -- women are enjoying unparalleled career and earning opportunities, and it's unfair to treat men like ATM machines, especially when many women are earning as much or more than we are. It may be a great scam, but at its core, it's nothing but age-old prostitution -- trading sex for money. 7- If you expect equality, then act like it Equal rights means equal rights across the board -- not just when it's in your best interests. If you expect equal pay, then expect to be drafted and pay your share of dating expenses, too. 8- Stop blaming men for all your problems We aren't what's wrong -- you are. 9- Just be nice Can't you just be nice? Nobody likes a nasty, self-serving bitch. And men today are very, very tired of self-serving bitches.

Posted by: average joe at December 23, 2003 06:58 PM (my9g6)

29 Isn't Mens Health a gay mag. Not that it's bad but would they really know? Eh! Maybe. LOL Real men don't read it!!!!

Posted by: jbrookins at December 24, 2003 09:45 PM (8QQyX)

30 Every time there is one of these ultra-self-righteous explosions of feminist hysterics in response to some man, somewhere, (or occasionally it's a woman) who says something about women practicing some version of a traditional feminine gender role, it reminds me of what Fred Reed says about American women and the "chip". I'm not sure how we got to this point, but it seems like about 97% of American women have this "hair trigger" to go absolutely ballistic over anything they perceive as an affront to their ideals of total feminist liberation. It's really, really unpleasant. Do you really feel that a man who believes that being a good mom, having a sense of humor, and being able to competently operate a motor vehicle are desirable qualities in a woman is THAT offensive?

Posted by: carlos at December 27, 2003 03:30 AM (CBG4C)

Hide Comments | Add Comment