Fall is here, and with all of the subtlety it usually commands.

The air is crisp, in the morning the windows are steamy, and the smell of cider is ripe in our yard, as our nine apple trees yield the last of the year's fruit.

Fall always makes me think of pumpkins, striped mittens, hot cider, ghosts, and suede. It is a thousand riots of color, a million scents to pluck from the air, and the reminder that life has to move on, the seasons have to change, even if it leads to the winter of my discontent.

Fall is a reminder that I do not know who I am, where I am going, or sometimes the point of where I have been. That I don't belong anywhere. Fall reminds me think that every comfort I take in life is just a myth. A cold beer on the summer steps, surrounded by geraniums. The phone call of a friend to ease my mind. The feel of grass prickling the bottom of my feet. The sun making red spots burn behind my eyelids. The smell of lilacs. The feel of air on my bare arms.

It is all so temporary and inconvenient. The transience of the seasons only serves to show me just how ambiguous my life really is. The most painful lesson that I have learned in life is that sometimes it doesn't matter how far you run. Your problems just come with you, and sit just under your skin, scratching you, aching to get out. So I will wait out Fall here, and see what is in store for me. All areas of my life, generally speaking, are a bit of a mess. And I feel like something big is around the corner, which is going to force change in my life, whether good or bad.

I sometimes think that Fall is the best season of the year. It is the one that makes me quiet. The one that makes me think. The one that makes me yearn and the one that makes me feel like it is time to flee, to run away from this life, to start a new one, for surely I am no where near where I need to be.

Sorry this is a bit dark, but I am not feeling very cheerful today.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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