I would have gone running this morning (it was time, seeing as I go every other morning) but I have PMS and I think my breasts are filled with rocks.

And now, the latest and greatest test from our good friend, Cheddar X (thanks for the lovely welcome, C!).

1. What are you afraid of?

I guess we are not talking about your basic, run-of-the-mill neurosis, which is good since I could fill up a weeks' worth of posts on that (but to mention a few, some of my minor fears include getting fat, having something caught in my teeth that no one has told me about, and Robert Urich). If we are talking about deep down, serious fears, then I have three:

A) Getting old. I am talking in the 90's, with papery skin, fake teeth, people tolerating me since they feel they must, body parts hanging down and the overall scent of talcum powder and government cheese.

B) Clowns (and this does include those in the mime family). I hate those bastards. I want every clown to be roped up and kept in the state of Nevada, to be allowed no air conditioning unless they take that grease paint off. I hate clowns so much that I have actually left stores and restaurants when they were around. If I hear calliope music, I have to take extra care that my bladder does not release in fear. I think I owe my severe clown phobia to the clown-doll scene in "Poltergeist." You know the one-weird creepy clown-doll tries to strangle the kid under the bed (and the parents should be strung up for buying weird creepy clown-doll in the first place and forever scarring their kids). You have some time coming up for you in purgatory, Stevie.

C) Ticks. I have a deep-seated revulsion of them. I once jumped out of a moving car when I saw a tick crawling on me. I have no tolerance for something that has zero benefit to the world, from an evolutionary point of view (note: this zero tolerance for useless creatures does include some of my ex-boyfriends). If I find one on me, with its head BURIED UNDER MY SKIN I have to work hard and keep smiling to keep the gag reflex down (thank you for that tip, C.S.I). Yes, I do need therapy.

2. What was you worst fear that you overcame?

Well, I'm still growing older, aren't I?

3. What's the meanest thing you've ever done?

I have never consciously done anything mean, I don't think. I don't have it in me. But I have done lots of brainless, horrible things simply because I did not think. When I was a kid I used to terrorize my little sister, but then again she could hold her own-she once pelted steak knives at me during a fight. The Walton family we were not. That being said, if anyone attacks my sister then they will have me to deal with. I am the only one allowed to verbally bitch slap her.

4. What is your favorite taste?

Champagne. Hands down. So what if I sound posh or like a girlie-girl. I love the bubbly stuff and I am not afraid to admit it. I think every day is a good day for champagne. Cured cancer? Bring out the bubbly! Got a promotion? Let's celebrate! Found some change under the couch cushions? Pop that champagne cork out!

5. If you could relocate your life to anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

I have already relocated my life a few times. I like to think of it as using up my karmic bank. I am always trying to figure out where I am supposed to be. I am still not sure where that is, but of late I am wondering if it is not here. I feel enormously comfortable in England (despite me being American and enduring lots of quips about being a "colonist" or a "Yank". Sour grapes, anyone?), and I also adore Australia. I think I liked Oz simply because you cannot get any further away from everything if you tried. That, and since you are 12 hours away, you honestly felt like no one is "watching you". Misbehaving is very easy there. I do recommend it for anyone who is a Smug Married.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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