Santa's going to stop by this house in Grapevine, Texas later this week, and when he comes, I predict bloodshed.
I've been good all year (ooh, except for on Thanksgiving), but I am single-handedly undoing all the goodness that I have known in just 24 hours of exposure to my sister. It turns out that sibling rivalry doesn't really disappear, it just morphs in time into biting sarcasm and hostility. The house has become "The Brady Bunch", only it would be like if Jan was a crackhead and Marsha was a college dropout and the three boys were gay. And the Dad was nailing Alice.
It's like stepping into another world.
My sister is 7 years younger than I am, and we have always had a love-hate relationship. When we were younger, I took care of her. I protected her from the vicious marital rows that took place in the house, and when my parents split up and my mom had to bust her ass to make it in the workforce, I became a second mom to my sister. Sister and I could have some pretty vicious rows ourselves. I remember one occasion when I threw an entire collection of tupperware drinking glasses at her. She rallied and threw a case of steak knives at me. Of course, it was all cleaned up by the time authority figures were home from work, and Bob's your uncle.
But somewhere along the line we started to drift apart, and I think that was when I moved away. Where once she and I went to a movie every Friday night (even if there was nothing interesting on) and she was my best friend, she became someone that I don't even really know. She split up with her boyfriend of a few years, and I didn't even know about it until a few weeks later. She's very busy with the cheerleading she does (she's a cheerleader for a professional sports team here in Dallas) and I am very busy job hunting. We just both moved on in our lives, and both of us were bad at keeping the other one involved.
So now if you put us in confined spaces such as a car, the house, or the state of Texas, then there are pretty good odds we are going to go after each other. At least we are consistent-we still do this.
For example: last night we needed to decorate the tree. My mother caved in and actually bought a really lovely tree, with a squished up back (we only buy things with little cosmetic problems really, in this family. When I was younger I would only buy stuffed animals that had a problem-an eye missing, an arm sewed on wrong-since I knew it needed a home. My mother is the same. I think we're maybe mental in that respect).
Sister only wanted lights and tinsel. I wanted the same, and with colored ball ornaments. Mom wanted some of the sentimental older ornaments, too. Partner Unit, Grandmother and Stepfather, watching said spectacle, had no opinion. When Sister was done with the lights and tinsel, she refused to help out further.
She smoldered. I hung ornaments on her shoelaces. She was not amused. Mom dug out a box of particularly older but pretty ornaments, and proffered them for use.
Me: Those are pretty, I like those.
Her (Sister, that is, saying to me): You can't use those, those were from your first marriage.
Me: So what? I don't care about that, do you? (I asked Partner Unit. He indicated he didn't care either).
Her: Oh great, so you're going to have ornaments from your first marriage on the tree.
Me: I don't associate them with it at all. It's not a big deal.
Her: Whatever. It's your failed marriage.
Me: Yeah, I appear to be averaging one of them a decade.
Her: Yeah, like that's something to be proud of.
Me: Yeah, well at least I admit my mistakes.
Mom (in a nervous frenetic way, trying to divert an argument): Isn't the tree lovely? It's lovely right?
Grandma: You know your Great-Aunt Verna was married four times. Just don't be like her. (Great-Aunt Verna was a particularly messed-up character in our family tree that was mentally unstable and screwed her parents out of a great deal of their fortune).
Me: Yeah, but that's because she was a ho.
Grandma nods. Stepfather slaps his forehead. Mom convulses into laughter and Partner Unit looks horrified. Sister looks at me.
Her: See, something to aspire to.
Me: Are you ever pleasant and nice to be around? I'm just asking.
She walks off. Of course, we later had a very conciliatory conversation on music half an hour later.
I haven't gotten drunk yet, but it's happening tonight. And if I am good and don't fight with Sister for a few more days, I am hoping Santa drops off some tranquilizers. I may not make it through the ho-ho-holiday season without some.
-H.
1
...good luck...it is truly a miracle that the murder rate during Christmas doesn't skyrocket! hehehe Family is still family, Helen!
Posted by: eric at December 22, 2003 01:27 PM (CMCIS)
2
Oh Christmastime....this is when I am really glad I am the youngest of us 3 girls, they bicker and I just act as peacemaker or I get sick of them and go outside and drink beer with the boys then they bitch about me, such fun... Good luck Helen
Posted by: nisi at December 22, 2003 01:49 PM (h8yLF)
3
hehehe Are you sure that we're not related? This sounds like it was taken straight out of one of my family gatherings... Thankfully, we can usually only get everyone together at Thanksgiving, so Christmas is left relatively peaceful.
Posted by: amber at December 22, 2003 02:53 PM (iJZeQ)
4
Is your sister a cowboy cheerleader? If she is can she send me a Cowboy calender for my sister(see my blog)
Sounds like Christmas is reving up but why wait for tonight? I say hit the store get the egg nog and start early
Posted by: Drew at December 22, 2003 02:58 PM (CBlhQ)
5
I seem to remember seeing something this time of year about...yes...one moment...I have it now: Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men. Why is it that most of the Christmas stories I hear start with, "When the yelling stopped...."
No disrespect to the religion, but I think we Jews have it right: eight days of celebrating a military victory. And no fruit cake to be found, anywhere. And our own version of craps. We even sing songs about it. And let the kids play. Of course, you have your own alcoholic beverage to celebrate the day, so you're one up on us there.
Posted by: Jiminy at December 22, 2003 03:22 PM (3pfkH)
6
OK, of all the nice stuff you just write, I can't get the image of your sister as a cheerleader out of my head. Of course, I have had cheerleaders in my head (unfortunately, not ON my head) since high school so that's no biggy...
Well, she could be a Cowboys Cheerleader or (gulp) a Mavs dancer (drool)...or one of those scantily-clad Desperados girlies...ohmygod the possibilities are endless....
Posted by: Rob at December 22, 2003 03:33 PM (pL1ga)
7
I feel like something of a pariah for admitting this, but the only serious family conflict I can remember during Christmas was my sister's husband and my mom getting into it over the clogged up garbage disposal.
Then again, I am unusually dense. It's possible there are knock-down drag-out fights going on around the house which I don't notice because I'm counting stitches.
Welcome back to the States again, by the way. I hope you have a happy Christmas in spite of everything.
Posted by: David at December 22, 2003 03:54 PM (4dlyT)
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Professional cheeleaders - can't reason with 'em, can't date 'em. Thanks a lot God!
Take care, PC
Posted by: Paul USA at December 22, 2003 04:28 PM (bWfDG)
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You say you are 7 years older but you give your share of the sarcasm (in your own accounts) also! You are guilty of reverting to who you were as a child and acting out that situation. Maybe you should remember that you are both adults and act like it. Accept each other as individuals - ones who one have no power over each other like when you were the "second mom" as you say. Let go of the past and look at each other as the treasures that having sisters should be. Won't work if you can't see each other as adults. So - you add stress to your surrounding adults' life because you both want to be children. And all you write about is how hard it is on you. I feel for your PU, parental units and grandmother. Of course if all we had to worry about was the length of our hair, I guess life wouldn't be so bad. Think about how petty that sounds.
Posted by: Sue at December 22, 2003 05:52 PM (D2g/j)
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That sounds EXACTLY like my wife and her sister... except my wife is a homemaker... and her sister is an anorexic living on a farm in the middle of Missouri... and we aren't having Christmas together.
Have you been over to Grapevine Mills Mall yet? We like going there - about once a year.
Have a good week!
Posted by: ThatGuy at December 22, 2003 06:42 PM (GBPpu)
11
Sue,
Your missing the point of Helen's blog. She writes honestly and from it's reflection sees herself. She tells a tale that is happening all over the world in some form or other at family gatherings. I didn't get the impression that the affect of her sibling relationship on other family members is missed by Helen. Let's face it; families are mostly miserable. I dread going home every year and some years I didn't. Even started driving and turned back.
Helen, Your sister sounds like she is having some success in life; probably much better to be around than the jealous, religious, losing nutcases I have to deal with and refrain from poking them in the eye with facts and common sense they don't want to hear. (Like "Don't out-breed your budget" "Don't give up the child support to show him you still love him", "Even though Clinton messed up a young girl's life, he is not half the bastard that the Old Testament King David was", etc.
"The Brady Bunch" reference and modification to fit is a bit revealing. Could be interesting writing material 'cept if they ever read your blog...
Posted by: Roger at December 22, 2003 07:01 PM (KjAok)
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Let's face it - if most of us weren't related to our families by blood, we wouldn't have *anything* to say to them. It's a rare gift to actually like your relatives. I like mine *sometimes*, though usually the appreciation mounts significantly after several bottles of red wine at Christmas dinner...
Hope it stays quiet, H.
Posted by: Kaetchen at December 22, 2003 08:04 PM (WZyYB)
13
act like an adult, and lose the sarcasm. Why does this sound like "get more boring" to me? If I ever lose the sarcasm and bad acting with my family, I will immediately look for the pods that they crawled out of, and that goes for every generation yet.
Also, if you sister is a cheerleader for either the Mavs or the Cowboys, you may want to advise her to try for a job with one of the real professional teams. Admittedly, she may have to leave Texas altogether, but there you go.
Kings - Mavs on Christmas. You're going down Big-D!
Posted by: Guinness at December 22, 2003 08:07 PM (5jKa8)
14
I am *so* glad that the biggest fight my family ever has at Christmastime is over who gets the last [insert yummy food item]!!! My family (6 kids, 4 spoused, 2 with 2 kids each) gets along splendly; we all look forward to any excuse to gt together and eat eat eat (HEH HEH we Italians...) and talk talk talk...
Helen, put some of the tranks Santa brings in sis' drink!
(Hmmmmm.... I don't see any mention of a PU of her own there. Envy?)
Posted by: jean at December 22, 2003 09:23 PM (Af9+w)
15
Allow me to clarify-some families have ample hugs and warm wishes and cuddly shit. My family has sarcasm. All of us. We always have, and always have had. Humor was what saved the nucleus of the family (my mother, sister and I), and it's what we still have today. And only my mother, sister and I have the sarcasm, if anyone else steps in with some we turn around on them like pit bulls.
I am allowed to insult my sister. No one else is. And vice versa.
Holidays are stressful, full stop. There is no easy way to deal with them. We use sarcasm, but the other family members know how it's done.
Sue, if you think that my hair length is my biggest problem in my life, then you really haven't been reading the blog very long.
And thanks, Roger.
Posted by: Helen at December 22, 2003 09:50 PM (FpuBY)
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Oh, and sorry guys (and my little Drew-bian), but she is not on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading team...
Posted by: Helen at December 22, 2003 09:55 PM (FpuBY)
17
My sister is 6 years younger and we are still rivals etc etc. This holiday i have only been back ten hours, i give it another 10 before we 'revert'!
Good luck Helen: )
Abs x
Posted by: abs at December 22, 2003 11:21 PM (wfTLm)
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I will be in Dallas tomorrow (12/23) through Sunday.......call me on my cell if you need me to rescue you!
Posted by: Jennifer at December 23, 2003 03:31 AM (gTBs2)
19
Geeezz, I can relate. I knew there's a reason I choose not to be around my family during the holidays
Seriously though, my brothers and I are very sarcastic as well, and it really end up being a love/hate type conversation quite often. Personal space is a good thing!
Posted by: Onyx at December 23, 2003 03:45 AM (0nb7i)
20
Ha! That sounds like a tape recording of me and my sister. Add to it insults about my weight, the way I look, the way I dress, my boyfriend and you have my family holiday!
Posted by: Melodrama at December 23, 2003 06:20 AM (uPAZL)
21
Yep, Christmas at home, a fight waiting to happen. My sister is getting a doctoral degree in International Relations and I work for the U.S. Army - we have learned not to discuss politics.
Christmas at home was always stressful. My sister was much like yours, never wanted to decorate, refused to attend Christmas Eve services or else went in an extremely bad mood, thus making everyone else in the household tiptoe around her and cater to every whim.
The next year, she was in therapy after a very bad break up - actually, very bad break up number three - and realized that all three breakups happened over Christmas. The therapist told her she needed to break the pattern, and if home made her think about Christmas and old boyfriends and lost chances, to go somewhere else and get away from it.
I lived in New Zealand at the time, so I was the logical choice. We had an absolute blast - drank too much, smoked too much, dished the dirt about everything for two weeks with some hiking and sea kayaking thrown in. We haven't had any serious problems since. Maybe if the two of you meet on neutral ground some year the same will happen for you. When you're at home, you're SISTERS in capital letters, with all the pressures that brings. When you're together in Sweden, you're the cool international sister who can show her all the out of the way cool places, and she's the perfect cheerleader who can let her hair down and be herself for a change.
And don't think envy doesn't play a big part in all of it. Sounds like both of you might be suffering from the old "You always had it easier!" syndrome. As nasty as it is, maybe she wishes you were a bit more down and out about your job loss and divorce, rather than the strong globetrotter you've turned into. Let's face it, Christmas can be a huge one upmanship contest among siblings. (The one with the newest grandbaby always wins, so I've lost since 1994 when my brother's wife had the first one.)
Gettiing drunk together sounds like a good idea. My sister and I managed that on the Cross Country New Zealand train ride. We missed some great scenery, but what the hell!
Posted by: Oda Mae at December 23, 2003 07:51 AM (JJnLz)
22
My sister has kids who decorate the tree for us. Otherwise there'd be bloodshed. Or even a holiday fatality. But really, who wants to have a conflict-free Xmas anyway? Que aburrido!
Happy holidays to you and yours, girl. And just let me know if you'd like a white Xmas. I've got a driveway full of snow I'd love to ship down to you.
Posted by: Sedalina at December 23, 2003 10:41 AM (eKujN)
23
Tjena Helen!
Erm?...What was that you did on Thanksgiving that was so terrible? Streaking in Stureplan?
Godjul
Rikard...
Posted by: Rikard at December 23, 2003 12:46 PM (TaGjg)
24
I am two hours east of Dallas...get on Hwy 80..head east...go to Gladewater...call my cell...I will rescue you....P.S. My dysfunctional sister is in Dallas...leave her there!!!
Posted by: Mitzi at December 23, 2003 01:17 PM (zox26)
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well i guess i'm lucky that my sister (6 years younger) still thinks i'm a goddess in disguise!! my siblings and i still have our skirmishes. i think every family has their own way of communicating. i don't think sarcasm is any worse than what we do. we can be all lovey dovey, but when it comes to conflicts, it's hard to deal with them with a sense of humor.
i'm wishing you a happy holiday. i hope santa brings you everything you desire...even some tranquilizers! :-)
Posted by: kat at December 23, 2003 03:34 PM (FhSIP)
26
Remember, Helen, no killing around Christmas! ;-)
But I get the chance to follow my own advice, as my sister is coming late on the 26th and probably doesn't leave before the 30th. *groan* How will I survive these days without commiting some serious bloodshed?!
Posted by: Gudy at December 23, 2003 04:26 PM (a8Q5e)
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