Sweden is an odd place.

Now, it's true that the majority of the population is blond. You can pretty easily find me in a crowd, as I'm tall with black hair. But the women do not, despite the urgent attempts from American beer companies, run around in furry bikinis. There are not a lot of parties with orgies and free sex happening (actually, Sweden is a bit conservative. OK, it's true there is much toplessness and even full nudity on the beach, but the Swedes got the "open sex" stereotype based on a movie made by Ingmar Bergman in the 50's, in which he portrayed on screen for the first time, a naked woman.) Families are very important to Swedes, and they get 18 months (for both parents) parental leave when they have kids. And they bail out of work at 1600 promptly, since day care closes at 1700 (hence the term "day care", I suppose).

Swedish guys are not good at coming on to women. In fact, they don't. They are extremely reserved at approaching a woman, and even more reserved about asking her out. The only time they loosen up is when they're drunk. So when he's slurring his words and falling down, he thinks you're cute. Vomits on your shoes, and he wants to go steady. Cries and relays some tragic event in his childhood, and you're as good as engaged.

Swedish language is even stranger.

There are a lot of words that make me laugh. "In fart", in Swedish, means the entrance ramp. But just the thought of that one makes me want to squeeze my bottom cheeks together. "Ut fart", at least, makes sense-exit ramp. You pretty regularly see a sign with an arrow that simply says "Gods". No, it's not a ploy by the Hare Krishna, "gods" in Swedish means goods, or merchandise. It's where the trucks need to drop off deliveries.

Now the one that always gets people is "marriage." In Swedish, the word for marriage is "gift" (pronounced yift). This is extremely remarkable, in that it doesn't mean present, like it does in the English language. It means marriage. It is also the Swedish word for poison.

Speaks volumes, really.

And the one I am always getting confused are "sugen" and "sugna", pronounced just as they are spelled. You say one of them, and it means you have a craving for something (I usually use it in connection with sour wine gums or curry). You say the other one, and it means you have just performed multiple blow jobs. Yes, I have fucked this one up in front of my in-laws, and yes, they did forgive my ignorance.

I am ok at Swedish, I think. I make lots of mistakes, but at least I am putting the effort out there. The one thing I do hate is that as soon as I open my trap it is obvious I am not Swedish. Inevitably, people stop and tell me how I speak is "sooooooo cute!" Then they make me repeat certain words over and over again. Patronize me at your peril, dude.

I now have to take my dog to the vet for his rabies vaccinations. But scheduling his appointment is a little bit of misery that I wanted to share.

I called the vet and (in my garbled Swedish) and said I needed to book a time.

"OK, how about Friday at 10?) says the nurse.
"Perfect."
"The animal's name?"
"Ed."
Silence. This usually happens. "Ed?"
"Ed."
"OK....what type of animal is this?"
Now, bear in mind, this conversation is in Swedish.
"He's a dog." (in Swedish, "hund")
"A hen?" (inSwedish, "hön", pronounced like hund but without the d.)
"A dog."
"A hen?"
"A dog!" God, did I need to start barking on the phone?
"We don't accept chickens here."
"That's good, since I haven't got one."
"Do you mean a hund?"
"Yes! That's what I've been saying! A hund!"
"Ah, I see. I just didn't understand because of your accent. It's so cute!"

People!

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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