So this is the end of 2004.

2004.

Such a year.

When I think back on the past twelve months, I am stunned and amazed-is it possible that I have had so many changes in so short a time? That in this life I am living now, so many incredible, wonderful, painful, jubilous changes can have occured? That the shiny scope and sheen of the life I live now is so different from one year ago?

So one year on, what's my life like?

- I am employed in a company that I love, in a job that I can't stand. But one year ago I was in the cold dark winter of my life, unemployed and low on hope, and now I take a shiny train into London two or three times a week, where I try to live a life less work-oriented, less driven. A shiny locomotive doesn't have to roll over my heart, it just gets to carry it from one place to another.

- I live in a gorgeous and lovely village in England, in a house that I love. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have somewhere to go home to, and for that alone I would pay all my debts in pounds of flesh all over again.

- I have Angus. The going is sometimes incredibly high, and can also be devestatingly low. I find having this man in my bed and in my heart to be more satisfying than I could ever have dreamt all those years ago. Now that we are together, I need to learn how to not fall to pieces when the angel that I have found in Angus falls to the ground with a wing clipping from time to time, and he needs to keep in mind that I am just a bit crazy, that I constantly need a bit of kid-glove treatment.

- I have two sort-of stepchildren that I have learnt to love, and whom I think (and hope) are just beginning to love me. I won't force the issue, but I would do anything for those kids (well, except download Destiny's Child for Melissa. I have limits, after all). Seriously, I would do anything for them, even if they're not my children, even if the teen years ahead will be hard.

And what have I learnt this year?

- Never underestimate the powerful feeling of love and contentment two black and white cats can give.

- I am so far from perfect that I am on a whole other scale...but that I am also so far from the selfish labels I used to have thrown at me.

- Lush and Sephora are things I cannot live without (thanks, Em!)

- Just when you think you love someone as much as you possibly can, they go and surprise you and help you love them more.

- Hurting yourself will indeed make you feel better, but it makes everyone else feel worse. And there are some scars that you just can't look at and reassure yourself with, no matter how hard you try.

- Kim is gone.

- I can make friends. And keep them. And even try to be honest with them, as opposed to lying to them to keep them away.

- Guilt and sadness can sometimes be tangible.

- I can write. I'm no bestseller, but I can write, and if I can only get the courage up, maybe someday I can do something about it.

- My job is not my life. I may not be sure what is my life, but it's not my job.

- Reese's comes on sticks. Fantastic.

- Bacterial vaginosis is about the most unpleasant thing to have.

- Your family is only as close as they can be. Sometimes, you have to let some of them go. And sometimes you have to battle to keep some of them near, no matter how hard the battle.

- Sims 2 is like crack. Pixelated crack, but crack all the same.

- You can find peace at the top of the Highlands. It's there. I tasted it.

- Spankings aren't for naughty children. They're most definitely for naughty adults.

- If you can travel together, you can be together.

- Stilton really is better mixed with a bit of port.

- I'm still crazy, no matter how hard I try not to be. I can change post codes, I can change countries, but I can't change mental illness. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

- I'm in love. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Happy New Year. May 2005 not be nearly as tumultuous as 2004, but may it bring the same breathless wonder and childish joy that we need to have.

Magic 8 Balls at the ready, folks. Hang on with me.

-H

PS-if you haven't already, please please consider donating money to the Aid efforts for the tsunami victims. I've sent money here and here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 03:51 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 836 words, total size 4 kb.

1 You've had a rollercoaster of a 2004. Here's hoping 2005 is a smoother ride.

Posted by: sasoozie at December 31, 2004 04:41 PM (2GTWT)

2 May 2005 roll forward gently. For all of us. I think it will, you know. I have a feeling about these things. Besides, my 8 Ball said: (after a second shake when it told me to Concentrate and ask again...) It is decidedly so. I'm holding it to its reply. Happy New Year's, Helen. Thanks for the gift of your friendship, surely one of the bright spots of my 2004.

Posted by: Jennifer at December 31, 2004 05:14 PM (Mc6uB)

3 First I need to tell you right up front that I am stealing this line and I will use it as my own "Hurting yourself will indeed make you feel better, but it makes everyone else feel worse." Second by my first act of theft you should know that: "I can write. I'm no bestseller, but I can write, and if I can only get the courage up, maybe someday I can do something about it." is missing a simple word, "yet" - insert after bestseller it also has a typo, "maybe" should not be there. plus you need to add "and will" after can. You tell a mean story. Keep on writing. Keep on loving. Keep on living. Open your arms to a glorious 2005! Take Care Michael

Posted by: Michael at December 31, 2004 05:15 PM (OEVsR)

4 Happy New Year my dear friend. You will have a fabulous 2005.

Posted by: Serenity at December 31, 2004 05:21 PM (qoFsi)

5 Happy New Year!! Your blog is one of my "regulars" as I go through my day. Often, I feel as if I am with you on that train commuting to and fro about the countryside, in and out of the City, various countries and just relaxing around your house. May thanks for the instant journey without having to pack a thing except for my imagination. May 2005 be the best for your and Angus!! Hugs!!

Posted by: Azalea at December 31, 2004 08:40 PM (hRxUm)

6 Happy New year Helen! I want to thankyou for being so open,for sharing thoughts that most ppl will never express,for helping me to travel through England,and for always being there when I need to read joy or sorrow.It doesnt matter which it is,you always make my day...Good Luck sweetie and have a great year

Posted by: butterflies at December 31, 2004 10:54 PM (sUcgQ)

7 Thanks for brightening my 2004, Helen. Look forward to reading more about your adventures in 2005. There is just something about you Helen that makes me smile.

Posted by: CarolC at January 01, 2005 02:18 AM (v5LbY)

8 Happy New Year Helen (abeit early for me and late for you).

Posted by: LarryConley at January 01, 2005 02:47 AM (y5h4n)

9 Happy New Year to you Helen. I hope that 2005 is a wonderful year for you.

Posted by: Easy at January 01, 2005 04:04 PM (uD3iM)

10 Happy New Year, Helen.

Posted by: Heather at January 01, 2005 07:42 PM (DRDO/)

11 Happy New Year! 2005 is going to kick ass. :-)

Posted by: Jim at January 03, 2005 01:33 PM (tyQ8y)

12 happy new year darlin. wishing you a year of love and laughter, hot sex and lush bubble baths, less stress at work and more kitty snuggles. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at January 03, 2005 03:20 PM (ejrqO)

13 May the best of your past be the worst of your future, and Happy New Year, you fabulous woman!

Posted by: amy t. at January 03, 2005 03:43 PM (zPssd)

14 I second what Michael said (so Michael, I'm doing a bit of line stealing myself!) about your writing. Looking forward to another year 'with' you. xoxo R.

Posted by: redsaid at January 04, 2005 08:16 AM (jDGwn)

15 Never underestimate the powerful feeling of love and contentment two black and white cats can give. For me, it's a light, sandy orange tabby lying on my chest, but the point is well made. :-)

Posted by: physics geek at January 05, 2005 03:54 AM (T6tNH)

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