I had to do something for the first time ever.

I had to close comments from yesterday.

Even though I don't reply to all comments (I think it's a bit big-headed of me to think that I have something to say all the time) I really enjoy reading them-sometimes they make me laugh, sometimes they help me know what I am feeling is normal, and sometimes they make me think. The comments sometimes help me-the advice from the sister-in-law post helped me, that I shouldn't expect too much and take my time. And yesterday, a number of commenters (some for the first time, and I am honored, thanks) helped me to see that Mr. Y's ex is perhaps acting out of pain, and that Mr. Y is in pain, too. Which I wasn't overlooking, but maybe I didn't see the degree to how much he hurt.

But maybe I have to clarify a few things-Mr. Y and I often talk via text message (although we have agreed that serious subjects like yesterday should be brought via phone, instead of text), and sometimes we both have broken bad news via text, which maybe we need to stop.

I love you guys much, but we need to work with this understanding on my blog-I really do love Mr. Y. I have chosen him and want to live with him. I have chosen him. I don't want us to break up. He feels extremely low when he reads those types of comments and worries that I will be influenced by them.

I love my comments section and love that my blog seems to invoke a lot of response from people who come by my corner in the web world-the laughter, the advice, the thoughts are all read by me. But I need to reassure everyone, and Mr. Y too, that I am moving in with him this weekend, and so we need to work from that premise. You can't blame him-imagine if your significant other had a good friend who was always urging them to break up with you. It would wear you down a bit, and leave you wondering if/when he/she will start listening, and maybe break it off with you.

And Mr. Y-if you have any doubts, think back to the Better/Worse disscussion we had last night. I took a chance by telling you, and it wasn't easy to do that.

I want people to feel like they can comment here and speak their mind. You can. Oda Mae, PJ, Emma, and the others-say what you want about me, I most likely won't be angry-this blog is set up so that you can tell me your thoughts and what you think about. But I have a firm rule that the only person allowed to be attacked in this blog is me. By all means, have a go at me, tell me that I have fucked up, that I have done something right, that I am not sane, that I made a mistake, but no attacking other commenters, and no attacking Mr. Y in this. Calling him an ass is only going to get me in trouble at home and won't help my end of the situation. If you have a criticism to make of him or anyone else, make it constructive-name-calling is only going to make blood boil. I can't have him attacked if you are only hearing my side of the story.

My Banshee was released long enough to take care of the work situation and clip the wings of the Seagull, which I know is only temporary, but at least it got the job done and the fuck is leaving my French fries alone now. But my Banshee was run over by an 18-Wheeler later in the day, and she's now undergoing a life-saving liver transplant. Until she's out of ICU, I am deflated, small, and quiet.

And no matter how hard I try to make things better, any time I open my mouth or let my handsfly over the keyboard, I seem to make things worse. Which has me wondering what to say, and what to write about.

Moving this weekend, so I will be quiet.

-H.

PS-Screaming at the train movie? Footloose.

PPS-I can be emailed at everydaystranger(at)btconnect(dot)com.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:35 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 723 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Hi Helen, I had just hit the enter button when I got the message that you closed your comments. :-(. Oh well. You are right to protect the one you love. I hope you don't take this as against it. It sort of is a message that I think holds true with all relationships. In terms of his family, try and talk to them direct. Same thing in terms of his ex. I know that isn't an easy road, but sometimes, through no one's fault, the words get lost in the translation. You are in his life now, and the ex can't keep you out, but the two of you can work on a way to make it palatable and to decrease tension. In the end that is good isn't it, even if it is hard at first? I would, personally, start by acknowledging that she is probably angry/hurt and has the right to be, that you want to diminish the pain as much as possible, that you don't want to become a rival for her children's love, and what does she need you to know about her kids, about how she feels in terms of different issues, what she considers "out of bounds" in terms of what you can do with the children (cut/style their hair, buy them holiday clothes, purchase mother's day gifts for grandma etc.) I think it best if the dialogue goes from you to her, straight. Don't answer anger for anger, pain for pain. Make sure she knows the major decisions in her children's lives belong to her and Mr. Y. Give her time. I think it will work. And even if she never comes around, stay calm, and know that you will do what is good. Hugs to you. Good luck with the moving in and everything. Oh, and if you need to scream, turn the radio up loud, hop in the shower, and yell. be well, Rachel Ann

Posted by: Rachel Ann at May 28, 2004 11:56 AM (fDJ/V)

2 Hi Helen, I wrote and erased three times yesterday and needed to remind myself that when reading an open, honest post like Banshee it really should be a time of self reflection. Lord knows I have the male equivalent(?) of a Banshee hidden a way somewhere that I would be too embarass to explain to anybody. Remember 'Compromise' a few posts back? Where you wrote "Mr. Y's hobbies and fascinations include cooking (he makes a hell of a curry), lighting fixtures, electricity, bar codes and train stations." and you each explained your interests? All the way to where you "draw the line at bar codes."? That segment brought Mr. Y up quite a few notches. I imagine quite a few guys could relate to this scenario as I could:-) When people ask me what I do it's always a struggle to make an explanation at the right level of detail so as not to bore them to tears. This will be a three day weekend in the States. My brother is sending me questions in email; got to go. Enjoy the weekend.

Posted by: Roger at May 28, 2004 12:45 PM (8S2fE)

3 I restrain from commenting on Mr.Y for exactly those reasons. This is not about him it is about you and your decisions, plus I cant attack someone with out both sides and this blog is only your side. Besides which the comments I think are most valuable arent those that directly criticize but those that prompt you to think and recognize things on your own. Show me the water and I will drink it, try to force water down my throat and I will gag the whole way. That said I really was proud for you letting the banshee out. Having gone through some similar but not same in magnitude things I can say that I really think you need to let her out more often and let others into Fortress Helen. It is a risk but really it is a risk worth taking, and I mean that with every fiber of my being. I have been burnt but it is better to have let in and been burnt than never to take a chance and connect. I actually wrote on my blog about what your post promted me to yesterday. I can recognize that the fear has control, I dont want the fear to have control, but now I have to do soemthing about the fear's control. The banshee helps with the fear and you need to embrace her, as much as you embrace your inner bitch

Posted by: stinkerbell at May 28, 2004 12:49 PM (IHvBP)

4 If we are to not to be critical of Y, then that's your choice, but it's hard when you present such obvious need for criticism, it's like having a broken nail and not being able to trim it...snagging it on everything til it rips off, searing up the nail. I appreciate that it causes problems, but the way you present your side of things leaves us compelled to comment, to offer an opinion. But - in respect of your wishes - I will say this - about you...I thought you were better/stronger...'more Helen' than this.

Posted by: Phil at May 28, 2004 12:55 PM (K2cNB)

5 First off, can I just say that the title of this entry is great? Despite the seriousness of the post, the title takes the edge off nicely. 2nd, I hope that I haven't made any negative comments about Mr Y. If I did it was due to poor communication skills. Every relationship is different. I wouldn't presume to tell you, or anyone else who they should spend their time with. (Although I may modify this when MY daughters start dating...but I digress.) All I know of Mr Y is what I read here, so I always take it with a grain of salt. I know that what I'm reading is what Helen giddy with love/lust or pissed off beyond reason is writing. One can't form an opinion on anything without input from at least 2 sides, although clearly some do. (As a side note--the text message thing I noticed, but immediately dismissed. I figured if you weren't pissed off then it wasn't something unusual. 'Nuff said.) I've had a front row seat for this fractured-then-taped-together family thing in the past. My parents are divorced, and my mom remarried a man who has children. My godson's parents were divorced before he was born, and I was the one who inadvertantly started a big hoo-ha over his name--the name on his birth certificate was not the one that they had agreed on before he was born. I know firsthand that there are always too many players involved for an outsider to make value judgements. From what I've seen, your only mistake was to assume that the polite tolerance you initially received from the family was something more. Try not to take that personally--I know, that's easy to say--because it's not about you. You've stepped into a big pile of shit that you're not responsible for, even though you were involved. The whole family dynamic has been disrupted, and it'll take time to settle. Some may never accept you, that's something you'll have to deal with at that point. I do hope that you manage to form some friendships outside of your relationship with Mr Y. We all have multiple personalities inside of us that need to be expressed with different people. It's a volatile time for you, and I hope you find ways to relax. Hang in there, and if you feel the need to delete some of the more insensitive posts here, please do so. PS- If Luuka wants to come to St Louis and see the Arch, put me on the list. Although I will tell you upfront, if it's hockey season she'll take in a Blues game as well. I may even buy her a jersey...

Posted by: Easy at May 28, 2004 01:59 PM (oQKRL)

6 Good for you!! This is the spirited Helen - (in spite of what Phil said) this Helen can handle stress, put people in their place, and be proud of her own decisions! I'm proud of you, I'm proud of the words you chose to stand up for yourself and your decisions and your love. Hang in there, Helen, love and life are worth it. I think 30 had to have been one of my most confusing years since the teens, but I survived and you will too. Mr Y., thanks for hanging in there - it's not easy suddenly having "imaginary people" believe in you (especially when the anonymity of the internet frees people's speech without worry of repercussions). Happy Moving Weekend!! Enjoy initiating the new house.

Posted by: Lisa at May 28, 2004 02:17 PM (uxfbz)

7 Your banshee seems, after all these years, to have a lot to say. More than anything, she seems to have a great need to be heard. Maybe if somehow she could give full expression to her pain, she would have that need satisfied, be more at peace.

Posted by: Denny at May 28, 2004 02:41 PM (NtNwo)

8 Hello there, darling girl. I didn't read yesterday's comments--I rarely read your comments at all, as if I have something especially pressing, I'll email you. But I wanted to just say goodonya for taking back the blog. I loved your banshee post. I have a Banshee Book. Anything I haven't said that needs "saiding" (couldn't resist), I write in there. It helps. Meanwhile, I'm still compiling doodads for your package. Any particular candy that you're interested in? I've got salsa (hope you like "hot"--if not, tell me!) and other assorted goodies. xxxx

Posted by: Sarah at May 28, 2004 02:45 PM (g/E8B)

9 (((hugs))) i completely hear you. for whatever you may write here, we never get the full context and it's not fair to attack mr. y. i'm glad you two have made other arrangements about text messaging that will be easier to deal with in the future. good luck with the moving this weekend. remember to lift with your legs and not your back! ;-)

Posted by: kat at May 28, 2004 02:50 PM (FhSIP)

10 Hey Helen- I identified with your post, I was out of work yesterday, so only just read it. I let my inner Medusa out about 3 times, lifelong. It always felt great, and maybe she's due for an appearance, soon. I agreed with Oda Mae in your previous comment box, and I think she phrased it very diplomatically. If I were Y's ex, I'd be absolutely livid. More so at him than you, but you'd be on the list. I'd also be concerned about your longevity, as you are not married. Maybe that makes me old fashioned. I was suprised at your commentors for calling her a bitch over that- shame on you guys! How would you like to be in her shoes? I also hear you about comments directed towards Mr. Y. I agreed that the text message sucked, but apparently that's something familiar to you two. I hope he is as protective of you when others say negative things. I'm sure we only see a very thin side of Mr. Y, and if it all looks bad to us, then maybe you have some anger with him you're not admitting to? Again- my two cents, for what they're worth. (Um, two cents- brilliant, Allison). Maybe for future concerns, with regard to your ability to take care of yourself, we should just say that we hope you are listening to the voice of your inner banshee when she calls b.s. at someone's treatment. It's easy to allow yourself to be abused by others and difficult to stand up and refuse to. I'm fighting my own battle with that one. Good luck to us both! Don't think, please, that I was being judgemental above- I dated an older guy with two kids, several years ago, and always thought his ex was just a psycho. Looking back at my attitude, I can't believe I was so guillible. Some would call it Karma, but I'm sure God has some circular payback in store for me along the line- He always does.

Posted by: Allison at May 28, 2004 03:22 PM (YmC5g)

11 Helen, I felt compelled to comment both yesterday and today but realize that I have absolutely nothing constructive to offer both you and Mr. Y . In my vast experience with divorce, your situation appears to be painfully normal. Hope you both find time this weekend to find some smiles, laughs and humor in life.

Posted by: Marie at May 28, 2004 03:47 PM (PQxWr)

12 remind mr y that comments are usually off-the-cuff responses to what is read. many times, if someone were to mull things over a bit, their response would be a bit more tempered (calm). that said, they are your 'fans' and want to jump to your defense. there's not too much inherently wrong in that & i would hope he can take that with a grain of salt, realizing that you already do. much more to say, but i need to compose a reasoned response in e-mail, rather than write a book in the comments.

Posted by: becky at May 28, 2004 03:49 PM (Nfde1)

13 Hey! Wait a minute here! This is my favorite sitcom : )

Posted by: Annette at May 28, 2004 06:45 PM (kfrUK)

14 Do other Helen Readers get the message; i.e., this is not the same blog as the Everyday Stranger of a few months ago? Anyone wanting to post a comment here needs to understand that they are not communicating exclusively with Helen anymore. Mr Y is a very real presence in the background here -- clearly at the head of the queue of her readers. I’d wager he feels pretty exposed by some of the stuff she posts here. Worse, he may really abhor the idea of the SNIPE* character of blogs, but just winces and bears it because he loves her and knows it’s important to her? It’s a very fine line here. To the extent that intimate parts of a relationship are made public – especially to unknown strangers -- it is not a stretch for me to consider that, in the future, this whole blogging phenom could become a potential stressor in a relationship of the same magnitude as those of money, sex and inlaws? Does posting intimate details of a relationship without express consent of one of the partners transgress the boundaries of trust in the relationship? Food for thought (I won’t even get started on what’s the deal with all us voyeurs so willing to peek through the keyhole in the bedroom door of people we’ve never met . . . ! What does that say about me / my life? Yikes. Must ponder that one . . .) Meanwhile, I understand that any comments I leave here are received by two people – not one. I also understand that Helen is the only one (of the two) that is covertly asking for feedback. Until Mr Y puts his innermost thoughts on the web for consideration, I have no clue re how he thinks or feels and my opinion re same is presumptive and uncalled-for. * (strip naked in public emotionally)

Posted by: Annie Z at May 28, 2004 06:46 PM (PkJiK)

15 I don't recall where I found the link to your blog but I do love it. You write so beautifully. Your words flow like a river. I have nothing to add to the Mr. Y topic. I just drink up what you have to say.

Posted by: Terry at May 28, 2004 07:09 PM (4VWb0)

16 It's a good thing that this don't happen very often...life is tricky enough as it is. And talk face to face you two. It might take some time to get used to, but nothing can replace body language and facial expressions during a conversation. Less misunderstandings that way too. Especially with the serious stuff.

Posted by: croxie at May 28, 2004 08:27 PM (37jDO)

17 Wow, sorry you felt so badly about the response you got to the last post. I'm sure you understand, and, hopefully, Mr. Y also, that the attacks may seem misdirected and unjustified, but they come from concern and caring for your well-being. Lord knows if people saw some of what goes on in my relationship, and some others that I know here in the real world, I'm sure there would be plenty of people waiting to whisk us off to a good therapist to figure out what the hell keeps the relationships together. Consequently, I try never to judge, "glass houses", ya know. Only you know the real Mr. Y, and he knows you better than any of us ever will just by reading what you write here, and as long as you're happy that's all that ever matters. That's all any of us wants for you, in the end. Good luck with the move, and I hope you two are happy in your new place. The ex and the kids situation may be a bit sticky, and it might be hard, but it will all work itself out in the end. In the meantime, as was said before, she really has no say about you being around them when they're with him, try not to worry, I'm sure you will all work out whats best for all concerned in time.

Posted by: JaxVenus at May 28, 2004 09:25 PM (j0X+N)

18 Good luck with the move! I hope my comments did not cause you any difficulty. If so, my apologies.

Posted by: Random Penseur at May 28, 2004 09:42 PM (LlPKh)

19 Helen, I read daily but don't comment often. I just wanted to say kudos on addressing this issue straight off. I personally have never doubted your feelings for Y and don't comment on these things because I see this blog as your release and my opinion will only be based on half a story. I don't have any words of wisdom just really want to say chin up and good luck with the new house....I hate moving

Posted by: Casey at May 28, 2004 09:45 PM (0M9ku)

20 I'm sorry if any negative comments seemed directed at Mr. Y. I was trying to express, apparently not very well, that you seem to have made Mr. Y responsible for your happiness and the pressure on both of you must be terrific! Having finally found my one and only - I was 35 when we married, he was 27 - I know from whence I speak. For the first time in my life, when he lashed out at me with a mean comment, I couldn't bring myself to reply in kind, even though I had plenty of ammunition. I just didn't want to hurt him the way he'd hurt me, so I kept it in. Fortunately, he is a wonderful, sensitive man - for an Infantry officer trained to kill things! -and began to reply in kind. He is the only man who has been more important to me than me. I want his happiness, he wants my happiness, and it all works out. I wish the same for you and Y. You sort of hit a nerve with me. When I was a prosecutor, there was a defense attorney who started an affair with one of my colleagues. She was beautiful, young, and six feet tall. You know, the model type. The defense guy was married, his wife had gone blind, they had a two year old son. I would go out with this girl for a beer and she would spend an hour badmouthing his wife and wondering why she didn't just get out of the way so the two of them could get on with a new life. Your comments reminded me a bit of that and I reacted to them. I just remember feeling so horribly sad for the wife, that this new woman wouldn't even empathize with what she was going through. It's always a big painful mess. I am sure you do feel some empathy but you were too angry to put it in the post. (Knowing you like I do which comes only from your blogging.) I wish you the best and I hope you and Y will be drawn together and become more of a team. But always treat others with kindness and sympathy and try to see from their view. It will come back to you - either through their acceptance or others noticing and thinking more of you. Have a great weekend and remember Memorial Day on Monday! Even us ex-pats here in Germany will be celebrating.

Posted by: Oda Mae at May 28, 2004 10:08 PM (xpJCA)

21 You are all lovely. No one here offended me, and in fact, Mr Y apparently has something of his own to say in a little while. And Oda Mae? I never take offense at what you say. I'd take you up on the offer of white beer in Germany, but you know we'd have a perpetual hangover

Posted by: Helen at May 28, 2004 10:10 PM (MlyOS)

22 Annie's right, it's not the same blog, and those of us who've gotten used to things being a certain way might be having a little difficulty adjusting. But I come here because I am drawn to Helen by her lyrical writing style, and if I had to choose between the new tone of her blog vs. her not blogging at all anymore... well, I'm just glad she's still online. So thanks Helen, for continuing to share, despite the new wrinkles in the fabric of your life. I'm sure they'll shake out eventually.

Posted by: Camino at May 29, 2004 12:46 AM (FNZk7)

23 Darlings, I hope I have not said anything that has offended either of you (H or Y) because that is most definitely NOT my intent. I comment in the manner and way that I do, you see, because I am 39 years old, I have been married and divorced, and I have been in virtually the same emotional tumbler as Helen. No matter what, I want it to be very clear to both of you, just because your past problems have been resolved, this doesn't necessarily mean that everything will be just ducky in Helen's psyche. After my husband pulled his head out of his ass and asked me to marry him the first thing he asked me was: "Can you chuck those now?" referring to my antidepressant medication. The thing that I have learned in the year and one-half since we married is that yes, things are better, yes I am no longer dangerously depressed, but NO, I am not "healed." I am still subject to bouts of depression and self-critique -- just as I was BEFORE he made me the happiest woman in the world by sharing his life with me. Eh, fuck it. You know what? I just wanted Helen to know that she's not alone. Because, at its core, I believe that this is exactly what this so-called "Blogging Revolution" is all about. Love, Emma

Posted by: Emma at May 29, 2004 01:42 AM (NOZuy)

24 I emailed you and you NEVER responded!

Posted by: pylorns at May 29, 2004 02:03 AM (PB+b7)

25 Helen, I've been a lurker here for maybe a month, and I've read many of your posts. I just came in here to say that it will all turn out. By the way, sometimes it's healthy to let our banshees out. Scream into a pillow... and then channel that energy into something positive. Good luck with the situation; it's a difficult one, and know that you are loved by those who read your blog. --Marian

Posted by: Marian at May 29, 2004 02:05 AM (xJc/T)

26 wow, it's been awhile since i've had any time to come visit and soooooooo much has happened! i have no advice, but i am thinking of you and wishing you happy things. i know how much you love mr. y and can only imgaine how much it hurt to read everyone beating up on him. things are so complicated for both of you right now, so many hurts on both sides. take comfort in each other and your love. that sounds so super cheesey... but really, you love him and he loves you back and that's a wonderful thing. take care of each other.

Posted by: Laura at May 29, 2004 08:01 AM (UPPF2)

27 Speaking of perpetual hangovers! My upstairs neighbor and I (her husband is in Iraq until next March)decided to skip our usual Friday night Stammtisch, or regulars table at the bar with the other wives, and go to a movie at the Army theater. Van Helsing, with Hugh Jackman. And several hundred young soldiers, most of whom surreptiously brough beer in their backpacks. Then back here to sit on her balcony and drink - ready? - Lambrusco! With a screw top! My GOD, the stuff I'll drink when it's offered. The above is to explain my somewhat maudlin post in comments. My husband called at 0200 in the morning in about the same shape on Belgian beer. He's on a Battlefield Tour in France and Belgium until Sunday with the other officers. He's moving soon to Purbright (sp?) about 30 ks north of London. In your area? If so, I will bring you a Weissbier.

Posted by: Oda Mae at May 29, 2004 08:47 AM (S5nda)

28 Oda Mae-do you mean Pirbright? That's lterally down the way from us in Whitney Houston! Pylorns-the only mail I got was asking my to advertise Survivor, which I did. Or...?

Posted by: Helen at May 29, 2004 08:44 PM (MlyOS)

29 Yes, Pirbright. Not much good at spelling, sorry. And I guess it's not North of London either. Glad to know we can maybe meet for a drink if I come over to visit him. He'll probably be in the Officer's Mess, so it's easier for him to come here, but I travel every once in a while just to get a picture of where he lives and works.

Posted by: Oda Mae at May 30, 2004 02:24 PM (7REFH)

30 Hey Helen I have nothing to say on this topic so i'm not going to. Instead what I will say is that i love your writing. You have such a talent for expressing emotion that i never thought would be possible. I am in awe, of your writing, your readers and everything you manage to get through in your life. On a completely different note I would love to have Luuka come stay with me at Uni, i feel it would be an interesting experience! The student lifestlye is one not to be missed! Plus she's coped with my bro in Jersey, I'm sure she'll be able to cope with students in Durham! All the best sweet pea. Waiting for the next post eagerly, moving house is a pain and a comedy moment all at the same time! AxXx

Posted by: Lemurgirl at May 30, 2004 06:49 PM (kZzM5)

31 Helen, I love your site, but you have to know that, when you open your life and your relationships to people on the Internet, people are going to say rude comments about your SO. Stuff they'd never say in person. I agree with you that they shouldn't do that, but...I don't really see how you can put a stop to it without making commenters register or don't post about Mr. Y anymore. (I really love the honesty of this blog, so I hope you don't do that! I admire you, because I could never be honest about my relationships on my site. I'm way too scared about what my husband would say or what other people would post in their comments.)

Posted by: dawn at May 31, 2004 04:00 AM (JY26p)

32 I know this is a little off topic, but as I was scrolling through the comments, I noticed one about Luuka. Whatever happened to that bear. You used to post pictures of Luuk, and where he had been. Has your second bear bit the dust already? Or are reports of his death greatly exaggerated?

Posted by: Jiminy at June 01, 2004 04:01 PM (+ddDv)

33 I sent you another one.. hmm...

Posted by: pylorns at June 02, 2004 03:13 PM (FTYER)

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