A relationship is about constant compromise, evaluation, and acceptance that instead of the wants and desires of one person, there is another person that you must constantly be aware of, be thinking of, be taking into consideration.

And not just on the big issues-marriage, children (more on that one another day), and where to spend Christmas.

Oh no. I am referring to hobbies and interests.

That's where compromise really kicks in.

In some ways it's a bit easier to compromise on the bigger issues-we can live in this village, we can spend Christmas with your family, we can discuss children in an open manner. It's the little ones the require you to be vigilant. To know when you can make fun of something and when you can't. To know that you may spend several hours of your life in complete bored misery.

I'm talking about interests, basically.

If I were to define my interests, I would say that I like to pass my spare time reading, writing, cooking, or watching movies. Mr. Y's hobbies and fascinations include cooking (he makes a hell of a curry), lighting fixtures, electricity, bar codes and train stations.

In other words, the biggest hobby we have in common (besides a wild romp in the bed) is cooking.

Obviously, compromise is needed here.

I don't expect people to like and want the same things in terms of pasttimes-in fact, I think that's pretty boring. It's nice to learn something new from the cast of characters that life awards you. To use psychobabble, it's great to "broaden the horizons". But sometimes the horizons don't even match up.

On Friday nights, I want to have some monkey loving and then turn on the TV. I admit it. I want to eat pizza, drink beer, and watch "Friends" and "Will and Grace". It's my one salute to American TV that I still watch, and I love this little tradition. For Mr. Y, it means one hour of complete boredom. He doesn't see the point of the shows (and, rapidly, neither do I) and he likes to spend his time sliding into the living room in his socks, his arms outstretched a la Joey from "Friends" and expecting the laugh track to kick in.

Or with blogging. Although he reads my page daily, he's not interested in blogging. He doesn't really see the attraction or the point-he would rather have his fingernails removed than spend time writing, and that's ok-I never expected him to do so.

And in return I am trying to learn about his hobbies. The other night he spent hours looking up lighting websites to design the lights for our new place. He's decided it's going to be LED lights in the kitchen, and he was very excited about the sites he'd found. I read one over his shoulder, but it was like reading Greek. I didn't even understand half of the terms.

It's the same thing with what interests us on TV. Show me a documentary about the rate of social change within the Victorian era, and I'm yours. Show him an episode of "Top Gear", and he's eating out of your hand.

The other day, I had a thought. We drove by a power plant, and it occured to me that I actually didn't know how one worked. I asked Mr. Y about it.

"Well, you do know how electricity works, right?" he asked, one hand on the wheel.

Hmm. You've got me there. "You flick the switch, and voila!" I said, waving my hands about.

He looked at me in horror.

"Or, you walk on the carpet in stockinged feet!" I tried feebly, losing the hand waving.

His mouth dropped open in horror.

"Tie a key to a kite?" I asked meekly, hands firmly in lap.

It had honestly just never occured to me. I'm not interested in electricity. I don't really care where it comes from, as long as when I flick the switch on the wall I am immediately rewarded by a soothing glow of electric love.

I got an explanation.

I think I get it now.

It's the same if I try to explain something about history. I love history and philosophy, but perhaps we love different eras of it. I read "The Da Vinci Code", and absolutely loved the symbology that it detailed. When telling Mr. Y about it, it was amusing to watch how far his eyeballs rolled into his head in bordeom. Walking around Culloden in Scotland, it was pretty clear that I was the only one of us interested in history past the last 100 years.

"Did you know that this was the last battle of the clans? That this is where the Scottish clan, as it was known, met its death?" I asked, hopping around the heather in buzzing historical excitment.

"Mmm." he replied, grimacing.

"And did you know that the Scottish forces, having previously actually taken parts of England, marched to this spot in the freezing cold, starving and dying of thirst, before they were devestated by the English army."

"Really." came the reply, forced interest firmly in place.

He tried to explain American power supply versus English power supply the other night in bed. Ordinarily, I would've tried to be a good pupil, but having been plied with copious amounts of wine, I was not in great shape for absorbing info. He explained it in detail, me waving in and out of booze-soaked naked consciousness. At the end, he asked:

"So what's the advantage of American power supply versus English power supply?"

Oh shit. I'm being quizzed. I rack my brain.

"Um....it doesn't hurt as much if you step on the plug in the middle of the night?"

Needless to say, that was the wrong answer.

You see? It's just a matter of interests.

But to be fair, he is kind about giving me space on my hobbies. He comes up with ideas for my blog. He suggests documentaries on TV that might be something I like. In return, I am getting to know his hobbies. We both like to read books about dis-used tube stations, and history books about "the Toubles". I like the lighting designs he comes up with, and want him to outfit our new place with his ideas. I guess this is part of what a relationship is about-you take what interests you and try to link it together, sometimes you have to give, sometimes you have to take. I know he may never like to write, but I at least want to try to get him into a movie theatre from time to time. In return, I will pay attention and learn about electricity. Train stations. Lighting.

But I draw the line at bar codes.

-H

PS-I love Ilyka, too.

PPS-I need some assistance. I think it's time to change my headline up at the top, the skitsy girl is beginning to get on my nerves. Anyone with an example or suggestion is welcome to email me with it, since I am pretty hopeless at coming up with an idea. Mail to: everydaystranger (at) btconnect (dot) com.

PPPS-Yup, it's official. Mr. Y and I are moving into Whitney Houston.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:23 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 1203 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Thanks muchly for the link but OMG--I am so not into electrical engineering. It was hands down THE major handicap I had as a programmer. To be a really brilliant software engineer, you have to have at least a passing affection for circuitry, and I had none. I feel for you on that. Because the people who love it really, really love it. Capacitance! Voltage! Resistance! Current! Wiring diagrams! Ugh. As for Culloden, did you ever read any of these? Pure fluff fantasy, but with lots of Scottish history. Oh, and spanking. They totally contain spanking.

Posted by: ilyka at May 21, 2004 09:40 AM (CjcOh)

2 Ha! Yup, I did read those, up until the last one, which whipped me. I confess. I read them. My dirty little secret, and why I love a man in a kilt. It was like reading historic porn. The spanking got me off, no less.

Posted by: Helen at May 21, 2004 09:53 AM (+Qiat)

3 Prehaps you both can start a new hobby. Maybe following an English League Team or something.

Posted by: drew at May 21, 2004 01:25 PM (CBlhQ)

4 did someone say spanking? um, anyways, personally i think it's good to have some different hobbies. with the bf i like to have some things that are separate from him. it's good to have some things that are just "mine." we respect eachothers stuff and have some things that we enjoy together. and yes, in the middle we compromise a bit too. i've learned how to play poker, and he watches some reality tv and movies with me. does living in whitney houston mean you have to play her music all the time? oooo, i wanna dance with somebody. i wanna feel the heeeeeeeat. yeah, i wanna dance with somebody. with. some. body. who. loves. me. ooooooooo! ok, i'm done. ;-)

Posted by: kat at May 21, 2004 02:21 PM (qEQy+)

5 me waving in and out of booze-soaked naked consciousness This is not the time for a discussion about elecricity. This is the time to see if you can make more lightning than a pair of Tesla coils! Has he covered the plug and socket bit yet? Ahem.

Posted by: Paul at May 21, 2004 02:41 PM (xdj7o)

6 "But I draw the line at bar codes." That's actually pretty funny if you think about it....barcodes are just a bunch of lines Maybe you're subconsciously a closet barcode lover

Posted by: Solomon at May 21, 2004 03:35 PM (t5Pi1)

7 I just visited your "About Me" section for the first time since I started visiting your blog. You may want to change some of your entries. You probably need to: stop going to Englishmen Anonymous, add Kiefer Sutherland to your "list", and let new comers know you don't live in Sweden anymore. It's a slow day on the comments, so I figured I'd do a little idle chatting.

Posted by: Solomon at May 21, 2004 06:20 PM (t5Pi1)

8 ROFLMAO! Oh, Helen, I so love you! You are absolutely right about the hobbies!

Posted by: Courtney at May 21, 2004 07:32 PM (1Gy7B)

9 Ok, I have just spent the last 3 days here at work reading your archives. I even didn't allow myself to read the newest entries until I read all the archives. You have a way with words that astounds me. Seriously. Where's Luuka now, she's welcome to come visit me in Vegas for some debauchery!

Posted by: Tif at May 21, 2004 11:21 PM (jCFyL)

10 When Kathleen and I married, we shared our one main passion: SCUBA diving. Beyond that, I wanted more of what she cared about: involvement in the world of nature, birds, flowers, etc. And she wanted more of what I cared about: the world of ideas. Our lives have been amazingly enriched these past 8 years.

Posted by: Denny at May 23, 2004 04:13 PM (d0X5o)

11 IMHO You and Lucky Bastard (I mean Mr Y) have the interests in common which count. Sex, spanking and cooking. What more could a good hedonist ask for? But seriously, I'm surprised that a telecom industry person wouldn't be into EE. Have you considered how some of your interests might intersect? Do you know the historical and political reasons for the deviation in power standards? It had to do with the gas monopoly lobbying for safer (i.e. more expensive) standards which use more copper so as to impose greater costs on their competition. That's one of the things I always loved about anthropology; it looks at both the written and physical/scientific record. E.g. Lynne White's (spelling?) theory of how the invention of the riding stirrup and knight class led to the need for a greater division of labour in W Europe and the UK etc. I guess this is meant as one example of how you and LB might combine your interests when chatting in between cooking and COOKING ;-) Good luck & thanks for a good blog.

Posted by: Steve P at May 24, 2004 02:50 AM (KvWin)

12 If the two of you had exactly the same interets it would all be a bit dull. And you're not the dull type. That said bar codes...that's a tough one.

Posted by: Simon at May 24, 2004 09:27 AM (FUPxT)

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