In Swedish I would be called a "gammal tanten" which translates to "old aunt", but does not necessarily infer the derogatory "old maid".

It's generally used for women that get along fantastically with children, but don't have any of their own.

Story of my life.

Melissa and Jeff arrived in a flurry of heavy coats and bags, and they were very happy. Once wrapped up in their father's arms, I even got pulled into a hug by the ecstatic Melissa. There wasn't a moment of weirdness, of discomfort, of any of us feeling strange. It just was. And as soon as we left the airport, me pulling Jeff's bag and Angus pulling Melissa's, it was back to the roles we'd left the last time they were here.

Melissa with her arm through Angus, and Jeff and I fucking around and acting up.

And I loved it.

We get to the house and Melissa presents us with some pictures she's drawn...and they're addressed to both Angus and I. They're going to be framed and hung up in the new house. According to Angus, that fact (and the fact she's already bought my Christmas present) are very significant factors indeed, and I have to be honest-I am really, really touched with how great it is to be remembered, thought of, and included.

She and Jeff have an unexpectedly positive reaction to the Lush bath bombs I'd bought them. They exclaimed with glee about them and declared, on the spot, that it was bath time. Since it was late at night, we put them off on it until the morning, but we kept hearing about how bath time was coming, and how the bath products were the coolest things they'd seen in ages. We have a quick meal and sit around the table, with the newly unwrapped board game of Clue (here it's called Cluedo. I have no idea why) sparkly and shiny on the table.

And Melissa and Jeff arguing about who gets to be on my team.

I couldn't believe it.

The next morning Jeff follows me everywhere. If I sit on the floor he sits on my lap. If I dry my hair he sits next to me and demands I dry his, too. If I go to the kitchen, he follows and asks to help. He's my 7 year-old blond shadow and I love him for it.

Bath time is a significant event-we all solemnly troop into the bathroom and stand around the bathtub while Jeff unlaods his blue Lush bath bomb into the tub of water. It fizzes, exploding in sea salt, seaweed, and blue fizzy waves.

Jeff and Melissa are thrilled to bits.

"Daddy!" Melissa says in wonder. "We are going to have a bath every single day that we are here."

And I guess hearing that from a 12 year old and a 7 year old is something spectacular.

Saturday is spent carving pumpkins (Jeff and I made a scary one, Melissa and Angus made a funny one. It is not a contest, however I am of the staunch opinion that Melissa nad Jeff cheated-I mean, who uses a DeWalt drill to make round eye holes, they should be uneven attempts using a carving knife! Sheesh!).

We chat with the neighbors. We take care of the Tabby Bomb, who spends loads of time in the house with us, even extending to overnight stays now.

That evening, we troop to Angus' brother's house. Adam and Terry live in southern England with their two kids, Ida and Erica. We would also be joined by Angus' other brother Sam, his wife Jane, and their daughter Jilly, as well as Angus' mother and stepfather. I was a bit stressed and nervous, as I honestly never know how to approach these events, but it was clear I had a niche all for myself anyway: I was the gammal tanten.

Jilly, upon seeing me, grinned huge and ushered her two year old frame into a hug in my arms. Jeff spent the evening mucking about with Ida or coming to sit on my lap or hold onto me in some way. Melissa asked for my help in covering herself with cobwebs. At various times in the evening, I served some purpose in helping, consoling, winding up, or chasing children. I was trusted. I was ok in their minds. I was someone to turn to, this blue-jeaned American figure with little witches bobbing from a headband.

I watched Ida and Jilly (who are about the same age) dressed up as witches, pushing a baby doll in a stroller all throughout the house. I felt my insides ravage and bleed, as watching their little feet negotiate the tiles on the kitchen floor, watching their upturned mouth full of baby teeth, all I knew and all I could think was that I wanted to have a child so badly I could hardly sit up straight.

Sunday was a lovely day. My sweet Angus surprised me with a gift of Sims 2 in the morning. We spend the day cutting out and hanging up Halloween decorations. Melissa and Jeff and I made caramel apples from the greatest Mexican caramel in the world (thanks, Emily!) We made pumpkin pie. And then we play Clue and eat homemade Toad in the Hole. The house was an absolute disaster area, leaving me to wonder how it is we got so messy so fast and wondering if it was a function of having children around.

A knock on the door, and I stand up to check who it is. Opening the door, I see there are no less than 20 small children, their parents in the back. "Trick or Treat!" the kids cry in relative unsion, giggling.

I'd forgotten that the terrace had arranged some trick-or-treating. I scream with utter delight and feel my eyes prick with tears.

"We're not dressed that scary." replies one little ghoul softly.

I race to the kitchen for the Cadbury chocolates I'd bought and the camera. Whipping out the camera, I turn it on and say: "Say America!" and to a chorus of little kid "America!" I take a picture. Then I hand out candy. And I hurt for them and for my customs from home so much that I fight to keep from crying. We go outside for a bit of Halloween chat with everyone, but wind up inside curled up on the couch, where Jeff falls asleep tucked under my arm. He hussles himself off to bed and Melissa joins him, leaving Angus and I sit on the bed, drinking wine and feeling happy.

Monday I go off to work and then Angus, Melissa, and Jeff take a train up and join me for a Cornish pasty lunch and a shopping spin around Covent Garden (we had to go to Lush to buy more bath bombs. Obviously. My stock was getting dipped into and I think they felt they had to pick their own products.) Much time was spent there and much debate-they each get to pick three and with the usual sibling rivalry they had to make sure every step of the way was fair (as is the habit with siblings, they fight. A lot. But not nearly as violently as my sister and I used to fight.)

We got to see Shark Tales and then have a curry. Jeff takes my hand as we walk and leans into me.

"Helly." he says, using the nickname he's given me. "Jeff is Helly's best friend."

"Oh is he?" I ask.

"Yes. And Helly is Jeff's best friend."

And I know it's only 7 year-old talk, but it warms my heart a bit.

At the curry place things take a turn for the worse-suddenly Jeff is worn out and he gets extremely cranky. Melissa and Jeff argue and Jeff then decides he hates us all and he becomes, quite frankly, an exasperating handful. He rides the train back in a seat away from us, falling asleep but still hating us when he wakes.

Once home, they go to bed, Jeff full of hot anger. It distresses me to see his rapid change in behavior, but then I don't have kids, I don't know kids, I have no idea how rapidly they bounce back. But for the first time, I don't think: He hates me. He hates how I've torn up the family and he wishes I wasn't in his father's life. It's all my fault.

For the first time, I think: Kids. Hope he feels better in the morning, after a long sleep.

And this morning the theory is right. Typing away on our laptops in bed (Angus and I have embraced the wifi experience with open arms), two sleepy children were just in here. They wiggled on the bed and gave hugs and bright smiles, and Jeff seems back to the Dr. Jekyll that I know and love, Mr. Hyde firmly displaced.

They're currently in the bathroom, using a Lush bubble bar.

They're going to Angus' mother's tomorrow, thereby knocking out the evening I'd had planned for them (and I have to be honest-I'm disappointed they're not going to be here tomorrow night. But I am just the father's girlfriend, which means that perhaps (according to extended family) I have less of a say. And anyway, the kids want to go to their grandmother's, so that's that. We get them back Friday night.)

Halloween. Christmas shopping. Little ghosts and witches at the front door trick or treating and Erica and Jilly crusading through the kitchen. The squriming giggly hugs of the kids and the constant chatter and companionship they offer, not to mention the fountains of pure, unmitigated, innocent love.

I am so many things, some of them good.

I am a survivor.
I am a professional.
I am a lover.
I am passionate.
I am damaged goods.
I am an animal defender.
I am alive.
I am a friend.
I am in love.
I am a fighter.
I am a gammal tanten.

I am so many things...except I am not a mother.

And that's something I want more than anything to be.

-H.

PS-to my American friends-Happy Voting.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:59 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 1701 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I hope you get what you want, Helen. It sounds like you'd be good at it. Interesting to see our customs exported to England. I saw a couple of ads in my wife's Norwegian magazine for Halloween candy and it just felt odd.

Posted by: RP at November 02, 2004 10:27 AM (X3Lfs)

2 You're doing bloody well in the Mummy training school. I've full faith that your time will come, and when it does you will be a dazzling great mother...except this blog might be less about stunning sexploits and more about dirty nappies. I for one am ready for that change. But in the meantime you'd better keep up the sexploit stories so we've got something to dive into the archives in the future.

Posted by: Simon at November 02, 2004 11:02 AM (FUPxT)

3 Simon my darling-there will always be sexploits. It's me after all.

Posted by: Helen at November 02, 2004 11:04 AM (DCpYG)

4 Do you mean by your comment to your American friends that you're not voting?! I realise the paperwork for voting at the embassy in London may be a bit daunting especially given the evil W's blocking of the download site for anyone overseas. In any case good luck; you sound like you'd make a fine parent.

Posted by: steve p at November 02, 2004 02:43 PM (tlQEA)

5 Helen- I hope you exercised your right to vote. The future of our great democracy is at stake here.

Posted by: amelia at November 02, 2004 03:07 PM (hYnWv)

6 I have a 7 year old boy. I love their honesty. It is magical. I will say I joke frequently that I believe all 7 year olds are bipolar. One minute life is 'love love love, butterflies, hearts, and flowers' and the next minute, it's 'doom and gloom and the whole world hates me and I'm going to go eat some worms'. Blech. It is normal.

Posted by: Boudicca at November 02, 2004 03:15 PM (XH1zZ)

7 Sounds like you are having a wonderful time! I am so happy for you.

Posted by: justme at November 02, 2004 04:14 PM (zdtiB)

8 ***** My sweet Angus surprised me with a gift of Sims 2 in the morning ***** That's not sweet! That's evil! Run, Helen, run! Why didn't he just buy you heroin and a set of syringes? Glad you had such a lovely visit. They sound like the most fun kids.

Posted by: ilyka at November 02, 2004 04:28 PM (fVS1w)

9 sounds like a wonderful visit helen!! and now i'm so curious about those lush bath bombs...i'll have to check them out. i hear you about wanting to be a mother. the bf says my face lights up everytime i see a baby. i can't help it. hang in there helen, you'll be a mommy someday. xoxox

Posted by: kat at November 02, 2004 04:36 PM (QkuGS)

10 I understand the "damaged goods" thing. I had to recognize that I was damaged so I would stop expecting to react normally (whatever that word means *g*). It was important and healthy for me to accept that. I remember the first time I admitted it to myself; I blubbered all over the phone to my brother about how our childhood fucked us up in some ways for good. I was mad and upset and I just wanted it all taken magically away. Once I admitted it, I used to remind myself a lot about how damaged I was. So I wouldn't be surprised when I screwed up again...you know? Better to be braced for my screw-ups then endure the shock of me thinking I'd fixed myself, only to fail once again. But..I hope one day, eventually, you'll move past thinking of yourself as "damaged goods" to "healed and human". Maybe in time, with Angus' love and the new life you've made, you'll come to believe it yourself. It's a pretty good place to be. :-) {{{hugs}}} The time with the kids sounded awesome!

Posted by: Amber at November 02, 2004 04:49 PM (zQE5D)

11 Mommy Helen... I just KNOW that it will happen for you one day. One day soon. And as Simon already said, we will be here every wobbly baby step of the way for as long as you care to share.

Posted by: redsaid at November 02, 2004 05:34 PM (2mk34)

12 I mailed in my vote three weeks ago! Of COURSE I voted!

Posted by: Helen at November 02, 2004 06:06 PM (DCpYG)

13 I don't think you're damaged goods. I think you're smart and talented and witty and attractive and sincere and passionate and honest and devoted. Nothing damaged about that.

Posted by: kalisah at November 02, 2004 06:08 PM (Asbv8)

14 Ahh yes. One moment they're sweetness and light, the next moment their heads are spinning around and they're spewing pea soup. Sounds like things are pretty normal to me... I'm glad to see you mailed my birthday present three weeks ago. You are getting me a new president, right?

Posted by: Easy at November 02, 2004 07:08 PM (U89mk)

15 I was also the gammal tanten... now I have a 1 year old son. From what I have read... you are a caring person who will one day be a great mommy!!!

Posted by: Jessica at November 02, 2004 07:40 PM (DCWs3)

16 Helen- I have not read all of your posts as I just stumbled upon your website about a month ago, but I highly doubt you are damaged goods. If you have a screwed up family, so what, we all do. Any family that isn't a tad dysfunctional is dysfunctional in and of itself if you ask me. If you've made mistakes, so what again. We all make them and that's what we learn from. If everyone lived their life in a perfect manner what fun would life be? We would have no challenges, nothing to learn from, etc. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Take it from someone who knows. Do the best you can now and go from there. It sounds like Angus and his children love you just the way you are. You will have your own children too one day who will feel the same way.

Posted by: Elizabeth at November 02, 2004 08:17 PM (MTqwP)

17 So very glad you got to finally pour some of that caramel onto some apples. Sounds like you had a fabulous weekend.

Posted by: emily at November 02, 2004 09:08 PM (KyeL/)

18 I'm so glad you're having a fabulous time with the kids! Children can always tell when someone genuinely likes them, and Melissa and Jeff can obviously see that in you. Several years ago I was engaged to a man who had three small children, and they had a hold on my heart like nothing else... I still miss them at times. Like you, I can't wait to be a mother someday soon but for now make sure you just enjoy being the "step" or "gammal tanten"- consider it on-the-job training!

Posted by: Eva at November 02, 2004 10:23 PM (9Jaa7)

19 What is Sims 2? (not wanting to sound ignorant or anything)....

Posted by: butterflies at November 03, 2004 03:25 AM (sUcgQ)

20 It sounds like you had a great time!! Never give up and never seriously consider yourself "damaged goods!" It will work out for you, it really will! Just hang in there.

Posted by: MrBob at November 03, 2004 04:53 AM (qKa0N)

21 Butterflies- http://thesims2.ea.com/

Posted by: Helen at November 03, 2004 04:40 PM (G8ht1)

22 but you are a step-mother - with presents!! I am envious. I'm a step-mother without presents. I hope you are a mother one day Helen. I think you'd be bloody good at it

Posted by: melanie at November 04, 2004 03:52 AM (Hr8ER)

23 i am truly a gammal tanten. I hear you on the ovary clock and on the joy from being involved in other people's children's lives. Blessed but somehow you know it's not the same. I worry how the hell it could be that I could love my own (currently non-existant)kids more than I love my niece and nephew....

Posted by: sasoozie at November 05, 2004 10:24 AM (H8Lg2)

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