March 03, 2004
My beautiful dog is off to the mother-in-law's this weekend.
Unlike his other visits when Partner Unit and I went on holiday, he won't be coming back.
Sitting in the hallway again, Partner Unit and I talked. Ironic, that after 5 years together we never found a place where we could talk, until the Last Days of Us, in which we find that we can sit on the hardwood floors of the hallway, in casual poses of comfort, and finally air the wounds. The bitter wind whips the side of the house, taking a -5 degree temperature and bending it into factions of razors that sever off fingers and toes.
With solemn sadness we go through the logistics. The housing costs, the furniture. He is thinking of going to China after all, maybe later this year. I took my howling cats to the vet earlier in the day to prepare them for a possible move to the UK, with me, if that happens or if he decides he doesn't want them.
We are friends still, amazingly enough. Perhaps better friends than we have ever been before. I take comfort in his presence and his kindness, and perhaps out of guilt or love I fill the freezer and wine cellar with his favorites, to enjoy and nourish when I am gone.
Last night in the hallway I turned to him, sliding a stockinged foot across the stomach of my dog. "I do love you, you know." I say to him. "I always have and I always will. Maybe we didn't work out, but you should know that-just like Kim-I will always carry you in my heart and love you. I'm so sorry about everything, and mostly I just don't want you to feel that you've wasted your time with me."
He smiles sweetly, and scratches the cat draped on his leg absent-mindedly. "Honey...I will never think that. The 5 years we have had together have been the highlight of my life. I got to experience so much, I learned so much. I will never regret that. And above all, I got to love you."
And it was then, with those words, that I felt my heart truly break. With just that moment, I realized how sorry I feel for never having truly let him into my heart. I am beyond not worthy of a sentiment like that, there's no way on earth I deserve someone feeling like that for me.
I know that I am idealizing things right now-Partner Unit has a vicious temper that can get physical when he unleashes it. We never had the sizzling passion and the chemistry. He never wanted to discuss the past. He never remembers the things I tell him, not even the deep down, jarring, torrential things, and he never really listens to me and takes into consideration my advice.
But he is a good man, one that fought for me, and one that loved me. I just could never let him in, could never tell him the little secrets that lay dormant in me. And it is with this that I realize I can't be with someone that I can't talk to. We tried-believe me, we tried-with marriage counselling, guidelines, attempts to be honest. It just couldn't happen between us.
It would be easier if we hated each other, if we had something solid to walk towards in our hearts. If he knew about Y, I think he would hate me. But we are friends, and I hope we always will be. All I want for him is for a wonderful woman to come in and make his dreams come true, in a way that I couldn't.
With the icy cold snaking through the windowpanes and settling around my fingers, I know that I have to leave here. I have to leave Sweden now. I couldn't stay even if I wanted to-there are no jobs here, and I am not willing (not able) to stay at home and live off of a man. But some things here will always stay with me-the way the snow looks on a cold icy morning. The warm Swedish summers, where the sun is up all night long. And this morning, when in a tribute to an old habit Partner Unit rolled over and wrapped his arms around me, sighing as he settled his face into my hair, I know I will remember him, too.
And as I get ready to head off into Life Number 6, I think: Please, God, please let me know that I am doing the right thing.
-H.
Posted by: Everydaystranger at
08:04 AM
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