It's a very grey day today-the sky is overcast and dreary. Everything is covered in a layer of London late Autumn murk-a not quite drizzly day getting me not quite drizzled on. For some reason, the sun doesn't even appear to want to come out-like those of us engaged in our daily commute to work, it's just too tired, too stressed.

I get to the train station at Waterloo with a load of gear-my laptop keyboard is dead so I am lugging around an external keyboard and the projector. The weather drips into the pores of my skin and settles somewhere inside my chest cavity, making me yearn for fuzzy slippers, pajamas, and a bowl of homemade soup while sitting in my mostly unpacked living room. It's not a day to leave the house, let alone a day to head into London for a full day of meetings with an over-flowing inbox and a to-do list that makes me want to weep.

The tube at Waterloo is so overwhelmingly full of people waiting to commute to work that the throngs of people back up to the platform. It's a sea of humanity, all reading their newspapers like a ridiculous caricature of urban blight. No one is looking up, looking around, looking alive. It's newspapers and headphones for everyone. I feel my stomach constrict in panic at the thought of joining the crowd, so I turn around and catch a minicab to the office.

London taxis are spacious and full of personality, something straight out of a Harry Potter movie. I love the black cabs, I think they're roomy and accomodating, and they afford windows the size of movie posters, allowing me to engage in people watching. While looking out the window, I realize with a start that it's a black and white world I am commuting into. The buildings are shades of white and grey. The steel-colored sky stretches down to the sidewalk, pouring through the empty tree branches and skittering the dusty and breaking autumn leaves on the sidewalk. It's hard to tell where the grey begins and ends.

People of all shapes and sizes hurry past me. The women are without exception carrying a black handbag, and more often than not, a black briefcase too. The men all have black or chestnut briefcases, and more often than not, haven't tucked their newspaper into it and so have that wedged beneath their elbow.

And everyone that I see out of my cab, regardless of age, sex, or race, are all dressed in black and white and shades of grey. Black overcoats. Black gloves. Grey scarves. Black high heels. Grey stockings. Black boots. Occasionally you see a sparkling sparrow of color, an orange velour scarf around a woman's throat or the randy peek of a green shirt beneath a man's loosely buttoned overcoat. A hidden gem nestled into the look of the person, it's with a start I realize that we are all turning just as black and white as where we work.

Myself included. Black coat. Black knee-high boots. Black dress. Black briefcase. Hair pulled into a ponytail and the only color a pink sweater beneath my coat and a slick of red lipstick.

I am changing into the same color of the world I work in.

I have always dressed in blacks and greys at work. Always. I have a monochromatic wardrobe for a monochromatic world. Maybe the fashion world thinks that the absence of color alludes to creativity in the workplace. Maybe a rainbow vaccuum means we focus harder, without any color or joy to take our eyes away. Maybe we are more serious and austere if we mimic death with our millinery.

Yet color has begun to captivate me. At home, I think of colors. In the new house, I find myself adding bright splashes of color and light into the house-a purple duvet cover. An orange duvet cover. A maroon carpet. Green plates. Riots of color to comfort and assuage and fill the world with light.

Thinking about my world, I realize I always wore black and grey when working for Company X. To fit in with the cold and bitter Swedish winters, I dressed in the camouflage of their world. I hid just as well amongst the gloom and sadness as I did with the meeting rooms. And with that, I realize I do want color. I don't want to drift into the sidewalks and disappear in the masses like an ink stain in a notebook. I want to buy a coat that's Big Bird Yellow. I want gloves the color of candied apples. I want to wear a sweater that's so green it makes you yearn for spring, or a sweater so purple it makes you think of royalty.

I don't want to wear the clothes all at the same time, I don't want to combust into a rainbow-colored explosion, but I do want to wear my Big Bird coat and walk down the sidewalk to my office, helping assure myself and the world that although I am a part of it, I'm not hidden in it.

And as I walk into Dream Job headquarters, I look up at the many stories and the bustle of activities and I want to drop to my knees and cry in sheer and utter gratitude for a company that took me in, that gave me a job when I was blanketed in the grim cover called Black and Utter Loser. I want to sink my hands into it's corporate shoulders and promise to wear colors into the building, to bring life to this building like it brought some life to mine.

Color. For the first time in my life, I want and need color. Maybe as a badge of survival, maybe an illustration of how I've changed, maybe as a show that I am alive'¦and I am so grateful for it.

-H.

PS-Tomorrow is Thanksgiving for my fellow countrymen. I won't be celebrating it tomorrow, but I will on Friday. So for all of you-Happy Turkey Day!

PPS-5 days.

PPPS-I have about 20 minutes of internet time a day and a dodgy keyboard. If I am quiet on other blogging sites, I'm sorry-I'm just not able to get access. It does not mean I have falled off the earth.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:06 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1069 words, total size 6 kb.

1 What do you thing they'd do at work if you came in wearing that pink wig? C'mon, just one time. Maybe after lunch or something? Happy Thanksgiving to you. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Posted by: Easy at November 24, 2004 01:17 PM (U89mk)

2 I'd wear more colors, but I have 0 fashion sense and often pick things that clash; so I stick to the basics...blue, khaki, white, and sometimes olive green Have fun with your yellow coat (when you find one); you'll stand out like that little girl who wore the red jacket in "Schindler's List". Happy Thanksgiving Helen.

Posted by: Solomon at November 24, 2004 01:34 PM (k1sTy)

3 here in NYC people wear almost all black, or brown or grey - but color does seem to flitter around in certain areas. I know that I love colors but often I buy black or gray or brown because they're timeless, and easy and I don't have to think too much about what goes with what. But my bright green corduroys - love them love them love them.

Posted by: martha at November 24, 2004 03:55 PM (5HJ2h)

4 20 minutes of internet time?? FIX IT!

Posted by: pylorns at November 24, 2004 04:02 PM (FTYER)

5 Happy Thanksgiving! And, may I suggest starting with some colorful scarves? That will brighten up the black considerably and give you a little fashion calling card. My wife does that and I am always surprised how much a scarf can accomplish.

Posted by: RP at November 24, 2004 04:23 PM (LlPKh)

6 My aunt gave me a bright blue sweater one Christmas. Not like me at all. However, since I never buy myself any sweaters, there came a time when I was forced to pull it out and try it on. I loved it. It changed even my own perception of myself. I went from dry, rigid and formal, to warm, fun and carefree. And when the sweater finally got stained beyond repair in the midst of some hot cocoa accident, I ran out and bought as similar a sample as I could. I love my bright blue sweater! Color is good. You go girl!

Posted by: Mick at November 24, 2004 07:16 PM (VhRca)

7 First time I've come to this site, very well written I must say. Have only just started my blog, but could never hope to write this well... Anyways, sitting at work here in Sydney, Australia, had to have a look around to see what colours we have here, or if it is also just black/grey variants. Hmmm... everyone pretty much has the black pants, one guy brown. However for shirts we have a wide range of colours and that is pretty much the norm for fashion here. We have a green (that's me!), a red, a blue, a purple! I must say I had a very vivid image of you walking down the street in the yellow coat, amongst all the black. You should so do it.

Posted by: Amanda at November 24, 2004 08:08 PM (cqrWD)

8 Oh, my little soul sistah. A long time back, I decided my work wardrobe would be black and white. And then one day, a friend gave me a fuschia sweater. I got more compliments on that fuzzy little scrap of fabric! Now I work in my sweatpants and fuzzy slippers and I think I'm in need of a fuzzy pink sweater to cheer me up. Happy Thanksgiving, sweetness. Guess what? I get to cook for the in-laws! (Cue the screeching sound from Psycho.) I told 'em it's BOYK(aopectate). Heh. Should be fun! (I hope I hope I hope.) xoxo

Posted by: Margi at November 24, 2004 08:38 PM (MAdsZ)

9 i know just what you mean. most of my wardrobe is so dark. but sometimes i long for bright colors. i find them in my art mostly but sometimes they make it to my outerwear too. i just have to remind myself that i'm much more colorful on the inside even if my clothes don't show it. happy turkey day helen!

Posted by: kat at November 24, 2004 10:28 PM (FhSIP)

10 Happy Thanksgiving! The color situation sounds like the Amish community around me.

Posted by: MrBob at November 25, 2004 12:31 AM (opF2P)

11 Dear Helen, What is it that makes us think of ourselves as "losers" after we lose our jobs? I perceived myself the same way after I got layed off. I don't understand why we view ourselves in such a negative fashion when we did nothing wrong. I hope you get a red overcoat and a red beret to wear so you can breathe some more life into your drab winter word. Perhaps wearing those colors will shine illuminating joy on those around you much like your writings bring joy to your readers.

Posted by: John at November 25, 2004 03:01 AM (A2ILj)

12 You are absolutely right about the black thing there. Even in the summer. But they do have the "Pink" stores. When I was visiting my friend there, we did laundry together. Hers was the pile with the black clothes. I felt so odd! So ashamed! Have a great Turkey Day Helen! Let me know if you need anything from Texas.

Posted by: CarolC at November 25, 2004 04:46 AM (EpzrK)

13 It's interesting - now that I think about it, I felt far too colorful in London last summer. I finally started pulling out my black clothes so I would blend in more. Once we arrived in Paris, there was a riot of color, and I felt like I fit in so much better. I never really thought about it until now. Good luck bringing color into the black and white world. And Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Posted by: Christine at November 25, 2004 05:44 AM (I7uLT)

14 There's one other thing you need: to put the "u" back into "colour" where it so rightly belongs. FFS, you're practically English now. Embrace your (new) heritage.

Posted by: Simon at November 25, 2004 09:50 AM (afsZ0)

15 Happy Thanksgiving, Helen! :-) Your story reminds me of a fellow I worked with back in Buffalo. The office there had the same defacto dress code you noticed here - everybody in black, white or shades of gray. One of the salesmen turned rebel after a vacation. He started wearing green dress shirts, red dress shirts, yellow dress shirts, colorful ties, pants that weren't (gasp!) black. He even had shoes that were other than brown or black. After a few weeks of our cheerfully colorful salesman the infection spread. It was slow and stuttering but one or two other people would arrive at work in chromatic splendor. Then two or three. Then three or four. By the time spring arrived (shit, I forgot to set this up correctly - we're talking winter in Buffalo, SAD capital of the USA) half the office had colorful wardrobes and the mood and morale in the place was like the middle of summer. What a difference a bit of color makes.

Posted by: Jim at November 25, 2004 12:45 PM (GCA5m)

16 go find that green yarn and that sweater is your my dear and the red if you want gloves too!

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 25, 2004 07:40 PM (m18uI)

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