Ever since I was a little girl, music has almost been too much for me to handle. Music has been an element that can make or break my mood, my intolerance for some types of music showing up in a flaming headache that breaks my forehead like a rubber band, my love for other types of music a tranquilizer that immediately stuns my senses and makes me sit back, swaying to the music like the animated Tasmanian Devil. Sometimes I find music to be like art-I can't take too much of it, something elemental in it tries to twist out parts of me that I don't want to contemplate, that I can't stand being too close to, and so the only thing I can do is shut my eyes or cover my ears.

That said, I often can't stand the silence of myself, and so use a barely audible thrum of the radio to drown out my thoughts.

Last night Angus and I went to Bristol to hear my favorite artist in the world, Sarah McLachlan.

I can't remember how many times I've seen her, but I think this was my fifth concert of hers (including two Lilith Fairs). I am not her oldest fan, nor am I her most ardent. But she is perhaps the only artist in the world that I will just buy her CD, without hearing a single song from it, if she has a new one out. I eagerly await them and then listen to them over and over again.

I even remember the first time I heard her music.

I don't remember the exact date, but I do know it was 1994 in Arlington (Texas). I was with an ex-boyfriend, a tall man who looked eerily like Anton Le Vey, and we went into a music store to visit his roommate. It was very late at night, and the music store was transitioning (in the timeless way of capitalism) from a tiny shop into a Blockbuster Music. I walked in and let the fluorescent lights suck the intelligence from my mind and dig my face with sandbags under my eyes. I was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, my standard college wardrobe. I was tired but awake, occupied but alone.

Anton Le Vey lookalike talked to his roommate while I chatted with the manager who was a friend of mine. I was talking to her, when I realized that something was telling me to pay attention, something was telling me that there was more to be aware of other than her latest failed party escapades. There was something in the air that was overwriting the buzz of the lights, the suction of the shelves of CDs, the drone of my life.

It was the song Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.

I asked my friend the manager about it, and she shrugged.

"It's this Canadian chick. I love her music, but people have been asking me to turn it off."

I bought the CD on the spot, having only heard that one song. And the next day, after listening to the whole thing, I blew my monthly budget for food (these were college times after all) on her previous CDs. And in a very cheesy tribute, I have to say-with her music I fed one part of me instead of the other.

It sounds roadie ridiculous, and in a type of slavish music-fan addiction that I don't generally cater to, but I have always adored her music. There is something calming in her voice, something that turns on the swaying Devil. I don't for a minute think she writes songs that are just like my life, that are just like how I feel, even if sometimes the songs are twinging my heart and mind in similarity. Her songs are, I think, for her. She just shares them with us, and for that, I am honored.

Her music became a catalyst for me. I'm not sure how many chardonnay-soaked evenings I have spent listening to her music, candles lit. I sit in front of the PC with the music playing, drinking, and before long I can look up and see I have 5 pages written and I don't remember writing a single word of them. The music is inexoribly linked to parts of my memory-thinking about Kim's death used to bring Hold On into my head. Full of Grace is my last winter. Answer got me through interviewing for Dream Job, and moving to England.

And Do What You Have To Do used to bang around my heart when I thought of Angus.

"The yearning to be near you...
I do what I have to do.
And I had the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go."

Because I never could let him go. I never can. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Her concerts were sold out in London, so we went to Bristol last night. I was worried about our seats-we were in the stalls and by the picture of the Hall, pretty damn far away from the stage. We park up and go for a fantastic Nepalese meal beforehand, and then realize the Hall is across the street. Literally.

Remember High School assemblies?

Yup. That's the size of the concert hall.

We were in the 24th row from the stage, and for the first time in my life, we were close enough to actually see her. I remember attending a sell-out concert of 20,000 screaming fans at Lilith Fair, and she was a dot on the stage (and I had covered seats for that!) The hall was tiny, the seats bumpy, the place obviously a movie theatre from the 1950's.

Angus laughed at my giddyness. "What did you expect? Concert halls in England are much smaller than they are in the US!"

I'll say.

And the concert was fantastic. She came on and explained that she had no idea what to expect in her first UK tour, so she chose to play her favorite songs. And thus we were treated to 2 hours of a show in which the entire band seemed to actually enjoy themselves, in which she sang songs I had never heard her perform in concert-all my favorites, including Fear and Answer. I was beside myself, a chair-rocking, lip-synching basket case who "Woo-hoo'ed!" during every applause. The tiny theatre took in the sound and bounced it all around us. I have never been to a concert in such an intimate setting again, and I just loved it.

Angus too thoroughly enjoyed the music, and as we left I was high as a kite, the Devil in me still rocking from side to side. I got to attend a wonderful cozy concert with my best friend. I got to spend an evening with speakers pointed at me, as we listened to the dizzying heights her music has. And above all, I got to quiet the troubled soul, and there is no compensation that is too much to offer for that.

Sarah-

Thanks for a fucking fantastic evening. I'm not one of those scary fans, I won't pick up grass you've stepped on, I don't want your used bubble gum. I don't even want your autograph.

I just want to say thank you. You've been in pain, and I've been in pain. And sometimes, when I least expect it, what you've created has helped me see the forest from the trees. Sometimes you stumble across someone honest enough to put their issues and pain on display, and you learn more about yourself from them, more about how to think and feel and love.

And when you meet them, you just have to always hold them in your heart.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:43 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1312 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Oh! I'm so envious! Sarah has seen me through more than one rough time as well. I'm glad you had such a wonderful time, and that Angus enjoyed the concert too.

Posted by: Myles at October 28, 2004 11:18 AM (KVVI5)

2 Sounds like a perfect show, like the way most of them should be. I'm glad you had that experience. Although it makes me nostalgic for the small music clubs in New Orleans.

Posted by: RP at October 28, 2004 12:48 PM (LlPKh)

3 I know the feeling of being captivated by an artist, and the trying to inhale all of their work, be it a musician, or an author. There is nothing like hearing an artist get up and play what they want to play, rather than slavishly playing their hits. Most people don't realize how often that the hit is not necessarily one of the artist's favorite songs. Sounds like a blast.

Posted by: Easy at October 28, 2004 01:08 PM (U89mk)

4 That was such a wonderful tribute to her. I agree with you completely. She really is in another realm as far as music is concerned. It amazes me that anyone can't see the art she creates.

Posted by: Jadewolff at October 28, 2004 02:14 PM (8MfYL)

5 Have to check her out... right now Nick Cave is "the Man" for me! Miguel.

Posted by: msd at October 28, 2004 02:17 PM (oaz4G)

6 Next time I want to go to a concert, I'm going to England. Man, that sounds simply FANTASTIC.

Posted by: Christine at October 28, 2004 02:37 PM (I7uLT)

7 oh darlin, that sounds like a wonderful concert. i've always loved sarah's honest, heart-felt lyrics. i read one of her songs at my cousin's a couple years ago and many of her songs remind me of different points of my life. she's inspiring to me because i hope to share of myself in my art the way she does with her music. i love unexpected good seats. wishing you a day full of good music memories! xoxox

Posted by: kat at October 28, 2004 02:40 PM (FhSIP)

8 Music touches me deeply too. My entire family is very talented. Some of them are semi-famous. I'm the only one who isn't musically expressive. I used to joke with my mom about the milkman being my dad or something because I can play and sing a little bit but let's face it: I suck. I can only consume what others create. And consume I do. *grins* I have a passion for music that Dan says he never even knew existed. Maybe to make up for being the odd one out in my family? ;-) Helen, let me know if you can receive mp3s through your email. I have a piece you might like. I don't even know what the words mean, because it's in another language, but it's so beautifully sung and played, it brings tears to my eyes because of the longing within.

Posted by: Amber at October 28, 2004 03:59 PM (zQE5D)

9 Any of you guys listen to Chris de Burg? His songs are like Helen's blog entries; he paints such a vivid picture that you feel like you're there...and the music is phenomenal too. He's about the only secular artist I listen to anymore. I don't listen to much secular music anymore, but Chris de Burg, REM, and Jimmy Buffett were the artists whose CDs I'd buy without having heard any of the songs.

Posted by: Solomon at October 28, 2004 04:11 PM (k1sTy)

10 mmm...Lilith Fair. I will refrain from my thoughts on it.

Posted by: drew at October 28, 2004 09:23 PM (CBlhQ)

11 Sometimes life is like that--food for the soul is more important than food for the body.

Posted by: brj at October 28, 2004 09:41 PM (0jidl)

12 This may embarrass you, this may surprise you, this may make everyone else groan but here goes: Dear Helen: I just want to say thank you. You've been in pain, and I've been in pain. And sometimes, when I least expect it, what you've created has helped me see the forest from the trees. Sometimes you stumble across someone honest enough to put their issues and pain on display, and you learn more about yourself from them, more about how to think and feel and love. And when you meet them, you just have to always hold them in your heart. Love, Margi

Posted by: Margi at October 28, 2004 10:57 PM (MAdsZ)

13 Dear Helen: I just want to say thank you. You've been in pain, and I've been in pain. And sometimes, when I least expect it, what you've created has helped me see the forest from the trees. Sometimes you stumble across someone honest enough to put their issues and pain on display, and you learn more about yourself from them, more about how to think and feel and love. And when you meet them, you just have to always hold them in your heart. Love, Jennifer P.S. It's not original, but the lovely Margi beat me to it. But my sentiments exactly.

Posted by: Jennifer at October 28, 2004 11:08 PM (zceqK)

14 Helen... I am a big lyrics person... the music might be good, but I really pay attention to the words and can sometimes relate. With that said, if you like Sarah McLachlan, then I would recommend Kathleen Edwards and Patty Griffin. Both great songwriters and singers.

Posted by: Snidget at October 29, 2004 03:12 AM (votP0)

15 wow. I'm so glad it was everything you hoped for.

Posted by: kalisah at October 29, 2004 03:14 AM (rU32B)

16 I am filled with envy, dear Helen, for Sarah has gotten me through many a troubling time, too. I hope you have the piano version of Possession and if you do not, I will upload it promptly, so you may download it, just let me know.

Posted by: Heather at October 29, 2004 10:04 AM (qojo4)

17 Margi, Jennifer, my sentiments exactly.

Posted by: Gudy at November 01, 2004 02:16 PM (wrzmk)

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