The Kafka dreams are back. Maybe it's a function of settling into my life, maybe it's a factor of a desperate and ongoing search for a therapist, or maybe it's the fact that no matter how hard I try to keep an even path, the heel of my shoe is constantly getting caught in the cracks.

Mr. Y's daughter Melissa is coming over this weekend, and we are going to Devon to stay in a country house with one of Mr. Y's English friends and her English/Swedish kids (ironically, she was one who was vocal about how he should go back to his wife in the early days, although that perspective has changed completely) and a few Swedish families, in an attempt to celebrate a delayed version of the Swedish Midsommar holidays. I had better work on my rusty brain and make sure my Swedish is intact.

I am nervous to fuck.

I am not good at meeting new people. When I meet new people, in the past I have knocked myself out of my body and taken on some new role. I become this woman who is the life of the party, who swoops in, desperate for people to like her and desperate to not reflect badly on the situation.

Mr. Y hates that woman.

So do I.

I try to keep that woman at bay, to feel when I start to split out of myself and become someone else. Maybe I am not the life of the party when I am myself, but who says I need to be? Why can't I just relax and meet new people without such wild trepidation, such utter fear? More often than not, I will cancel on new events, happy to keep my little self locked up. You can look at the lion in the cage, but you can't get close enough to her.

Even more, I am so nervous about Melissa.

I want her to be happy, I want her to have fun. I confess I want her to like me, but I want her to not feel she is being disloyal to her mother if she does so. I want to not feel so confused when her clinginess sets in. I want to take her fragile feelings and wrap her up in bubble tape, making sure she laughs and is loved to the fullest extent that she deserves in her trusting and innocent life.

I try so hard to be happy and do the right thing, but all around me are the ravages of the damage I cause-cold and informal mails from the family (if I get them at all), hurt feelings and strewn relationships. X Partner Unit called me on Tuesday.

"I have some mail here for you." he said, coldly.
"Oh, sorry." I replied, feeling childish. "I put in the forwarding mail order yesterday, so you should be clear of my mail now. You can just mail it to me now."
"Fine." he replied.
"Er...everything ok? Big Midsommar plans?" I ask, wondering about the phone call.
"Yeah, I'm hoping to get drunk and get laid."
Hmm. I didn't feel upset by his words, I actually do hope he moves on and has a new life full of happiness and sex, but it seemed an odd thing to say.
"Ah. Good. So you're moving on then?" I asked, honestly hoping to have a good dialogue about it.
"I might as well try. It's not like we had enough sex."
Wow. Ok, kid gloves off.
"OK...so it sounds like we can't be friends, then." I replied, testing out the floorboards of the new twist of events.
"Well, we don't talk that much now but it's not like we ever really did before." he replied curtly.
"Right, ok." I said, thinking this call was over. "I'll go now, all ok with the cats?"

Just then, I heard Mumin in the background, crying to be pet. I think my heart fell about a thousand feet into the cold crust of the earth's surface, and all I wanted t odo was reach through the phone line and grab hold of her neck, dragging her to my side of the phone line.

"They're fine. When are you shipping them?" he asked.
"November 28, which is the earliest date." I replied, heart hauling its way back into me.
"Damn. That's so long from now. Fine, whatever."
Click.

The Kafka dreams ravage me. Two nights ago I woke up from an evening of dreaming of exes. Mr. Y was back with his, trying to work it out. I was in court with X Partner Unit, crying and begging for him to forgive me. He perches on a wall like a raven, coldly watching me, and when I squirm and cry and beg for forgiveness, he looks annoyed. When I stand up and start screaming and raging, he cocks his head to take in the sound.

"That's it. That's what you need. Be angry, let it all out." he says softly, before flying away.

Last night I dreamt he euthanized my cats, and no one in my life would listen to how agonizing it was for me, I couldn't talk and shape the words and air over my throat.

Today, brought low by a mis-understanding this morning, I swooped into the office, the rain clouds pregnant and the wind unforgiving. I walked across the Waterloo bridge, battling the wind and angry with everyone around me. A young man holds his hand out.

"Can you spare some change, Miss?" he asks, scruffy blond hair breezing in the wind.
"Sorry." I reply.
"Ok, well have a nice day!" he calls cheerily in return.
I walk on.
Then I stop.
I'm a fucking liar.
I open my wallet and take out a few silver coins and I walk back to him.
"Can you spare some change, Miss?" he asks again, confused.
"You know what? I can." I reply, and place the coins in his hand.

Maybe he buys beer. Maybe he buys a sandwich. Either way, who the hell am I to tell him what he should purchase?

I walk on, nearly to the office, when a cab swings into the road I am crossing, its tires noisy on the pavement. He stops short of hitting me and honks.

I stop walking.
He honks again.
I just stand there and look at him, no emotion on my face.
He starts gesticulating wildly and talking.
I just stand, the wind battling the hair over my face, whipping it around like a halo of hate.
He then sits there and looks at me.
I stare back.

Finally I walk on, and he drives past me, just looking at me. I walk on, thoughts pounding through my head. I am crazy. I am happy. I am a cunt. I am a liar. I am sexy. I am smart. I am alone.

And maybe all or none of them are true.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:34 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1168 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I put myself in the same position when it comes to meeting people. I don't really understand why it is, but I start getting cold sweats if I know that I have to meet new people. Like I have to be their perfect person to talk to. Even if I may never see them again. It's extremely frustrating, because I know that I'm doing it, but I just can't seem to stop doing it.

Posted by: amber at June 24, 2004 01:02 PM (iJZeQ)

2 I'm sorry you had a rough evening and morning. I hope things get better through the day.

Posted by: Solomon at June 24, 2004 01:11 PM (t5Pi1)

3 You should have punched the cab. It would have mde you feel better.

Posted by: Clancy at June 24, 2004 01:23 PM (EGVPL)

4 I'm with you and Amber. My preferred place in a group setting is off to the side with one or two people having an earnest conversation but if I'm not comfortable I always end up as the comedian/entertainer with a posse of people I don't know. Just try to stay loose and relaxed. I hope it goes great for you!

Posted by: Jim at June 24, 2004 01:44 PM (IOwam)

5 I'm sorry you miss your kitties. I hope you get to be with them soon, or rather your time away from them passes by swiftly.

Posted by: Existentialfwolf at June 24, 2004 02:03 PM (tqQaS)

6 H, I hope things go well for you this weekend. With Melissa... with everyone. I'm currently in the same boat as you and it's simply a matter of time to ease children into new relationships. Just like I suggested with Y's family give them time to see and come to know the real you. Despite previous propaganda campaigns they will see what a special you are and that they are fortunate to know you.

Posted by: Paul at June 24, 2004 02:10 PM (xdj7o)

7 I'm curious why you have to wait soooo long for your cats... likely you've covered that already, but I'm short of time and new here so I haven't had a chance to dig in archives yet! As for the weekend, and relationships with Mr. Y's daughter... I just married a man with a 12 year old. And she was a bit slow to come around to me as well. But things are wonderful now. I didn't push. I wasn't aloof, but just kinda was there and let her come to me for most of the interaction. It worked wonders. I think Y's daughter will warm to you. Just give her time. I like you already and we only just 'met'! ;-) Most important of all, be YOURSELF! Think of the coming weekend kind of like going to that race you just went to. It'll be fun and special and just be yourself and try to relax! You'll all have a special time!!! Best wishes! And only allow yourself positive thoughts!!

Posted by: Kim at June 24, 2004 03:03 PM (M+5Je)

8 Sometimes you have a turn of phrase that makes me realize that you are a writer and I am not. Today it was the bit about testing out the floorboards. That was very evocative. I'm sorry that conversation was so unpleasant. Sounds like he's got some issues, too.

Posted by: Random Penseur at June 24, 2004 03:24 PM (LlPKh)

9 I'm a little confused by X's attitude. I previously got the impression that you were at least being civil to each other. I know I don't have the whole story, but that's what I thought. Anyway, as women we sometimes forget that men hurt just like we do. If only they coped like we do, too. If they could just attack their hair instead of us, the world would be a better place. And who knows, maybe he'd had a little liquid courage that made those statements sound like a good idea. Maybe he regrets saying them as much as you regret hearing them. okay. I'm rambling...

Posted by: amy t. at June 24, 2004 03:46 PM (xKhv0)

10 I'm anxious on your behalf for this weekend to come. I have an idea, put both your Banshee and Miss Socialite in the back room of your mind, let them battle it out this weekend, and then on Monday peek in and see what the damage is. For this weekend, allow "Just Helen" to be out free and enjoy herself in hopefully serene surroundings and simple easy fun (fingers crossed on that last part). Concentrate on breathing deeply rather than trying to please everyone socially and you will come through with flying colors.

Posted by: Lisa at June 24, 2004 04:41 PM (uxfbz)

11 Your thoughts are not uncommon thoughts that you are having. Maybe you should think about why you analyze so much.

Posted by: pylorns at June 24, 2004 06:05 PM (FTYER)

12 Kim and Wolfie-Baby-the kitties are such a source of aching for me. They can't come until November as they need to pass the six-month quarantine waiting period. Amy T-you know, I'd thought so, too. But suddenly it appears to not be the case. I think, to be honest, that he now knows about Mr. Y and I.

Posted by: Helen at June 24, 2004 06:16 PM (ptdTC)

13 I can easily relate to your longing for the kitties...I'm going through the same thing. Without cats I'm like a half person. As for meeting new people, the "other" characters you bring out (I've done it too) is a protection...a defensive way of keeping a distance between the real Helen and the one you want to share with a complete stranger. It's not really wrong, but can be confusing for a lot of reasons. I would be myself when it comes to Melissa though. You will see a lot of her in the future I believe and being yourself around her will give the both of you a good start and solid ground. Trust the person you are and she will like you

Posted by: croxie at June 24, 2004 07:28 PM (KMSab)

14 hon, you are yourself and that's all that matters. All this worrying about what everyone else thinks needs to become a distant second to what you think. You have the love of a good man and you are a good, no, you are a great person. So when you meet all these new people, just remember that. There's plenty of love in this world for you.

Posted by: Simon at June 25, 2004 03:39 AM (OyeEA)

15 H- I have a terrible time meeting new people too, and there is no swooping, life-of-the-party persona in me. I am the one that hangs back and watches everyone until I pick out a couple of people that I think I might feel comfortable talking to. I would tell you to relax and be yourself but that's SO not what I would do. Instead, I'll just wish you the best and hope it all turns out ok.

Posted by: Sue at June 25, 2004 05:51 AM (PcgQk)

16 I think, to be honest, that he now knows about Mr. Y and I. Ooh, quit going all psychic on me, Helen! That is exactly what I thought when I read his "not enough sex" remark. Well, let's see: He worked for Company X, you worked for Company X, Mr. Y worked with Company X (or was it for?) . . . it was kinda inevitable.

Posted by: ilyka at June 25, 2004 08:12 AM (fa0aC)

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