Mawwaige is what bwings us....togezzuh....today.

And before you even think it, no we're not going off to get married in the Bahamas. Or Miami, for that matter. This is just something that has me thinking.

I've been spending a lot of time surfing web sites and reading about the Bahamas in the Rough Guide (which usually has all kinds of great info, if you don't mind it from a backpacker's perspective. Which I don't. But I am not going to backpack my way across the Bahamas.) It seems like the Bahamas really only cater to two major audiences:

The Americans.
The English.

The melting pot of tourists this is not, which is ok since I can get that in London on a Wednesday morning.

We have been looking at various types of options and accommodations. The first type are massive resort style hotels that appear to have waterslides from the lobby to your hotel door and every drink has multiple umbrellas in it and is delivered by a leprechaun. The other type are the sniffy, quiet, please-why-can't-you-just-leave-me-alone hotels (and you must say that with one arm thrown over your forehead and pronounce can't as "cahhhhn't"). And you know-the waterslide to our hotel door one appears to be winning the race at this point.

We've booked a cute and intimate hotel in Miami. Maybe the Bahamas are more of a playtime. That, and we need to find ample beach space for a little al fresco loving.

It had to be said.

When I look at the hotels, I notice that nearly all of them offer a wedding service as part of the hotel, and all of the hotels have honeymoon suites. Honeymoon suites that apparently include fizzy-lifting drinks when you check in, flowers, and hopefully a heart-shaped bed that will vibrate on command. I wonder if they even have poshy prophilactics and lubricants cooling by the side of the bed in orchid-strewn water. One can dream, anyway.

Angus is completely put-off by the idea of jetting off somewhere to get hitched. He figures...what's the point? Why go away to get married, if you're getting married to be married. Going away, in his mind, is unnecessary.

To me, a wedding away is of interest. It appeals to me. Let's be honest-I have been down that rose-strewn aisle twice. I've had the church do, and I've had another venue (my first wedding was in the theatre where my ex-husband and I worked. We got married on stage-does it get more All My Children melodramatic than that? I think not.) A wedding away also highlights that for some people, a wedding is a private event, an event to be shared between the two of them. I think a wedding away would be a lovely idea-it would be personal and I could be free of the reminders that my side of the church would be empty, that the pews behind the bride would be painfully thin, save for a few wonderful friends and anyone else who felt sorry for me from Angus' side.

At the same time, I know that weddings and the very definition of a wedding are the interpretation of a culture, of a family. Traditionally it's to bring two households together, and as we change as a society, the households have started to include friends that are closer to us than siblings, as well as acquaintances just looking to get drunk. A wedding in and of itself it supposed to be an event that brings families together-a thought that (in Angus' and my situation) fills me with extreme trepidation.

Really makes the getting-married-on-a-sunset-lit-beach-with-just-a-few-people-and-flower-leis feel and look wonderful.

I thought more about weddings. I clicked on a link on one of the hotel's sites about how they arrange weddings, and I saw pictures of women looking head-to-toe meringue. We are talking a Massive Tulle Invasion, or what I think of as Women Who Didn't Grow Up To Be the Ballerina They Wanted To Be" pictures. Man...those dresses are much. I look at those pictures and think...wow, that idea is so wildly unappealing, I am at a total loss for words.

And I am never at a loss for words.

A good friend of mine from university is about to get married and has chosen a simple but extremely lovely and elegant dress. I checked out some links of the dresses they are looking at, and I realized that I too would be of the simple and lovely dress range. Not only that, but I wouldn't even wear a white dress, or anything that even touched the possible eggshell color spectrum-in the back of my mind I could hear the outraged whispers: She's wearing white? That prostitute!

Looking through the links, I realized that at some point I stopped thinking of weddings as the things that fairy tales are made of, the plastic figures on the cake and the white satin garter belt that would twist its way around my thigh, and started thinking of weddings for what they are...as the entrance to the truly serious arena of marriage and of partnership. Maybe some people have the two events perfectly linked in their minds, but previously life was BW (Before Wedding) and WDIDN (What Do I Do Now?).

This is something that I hadn't considered in my previous relationships, I am ashamed to admit.

I think I have truly become a grown-up now.

I talk to Angus about my thoughts and hastily make it clear that I am not edging for a wedding as I talk to him (I felt it best to explain the internet history on the PC, lest I have to talk him down from the ceiling if he saw the wedding dress links I'd been perusing) and tell him my thoughts...that if it were to come up someday, the truth is, I'm not so interested in the wedding. I would be interested in the marriage.

I'm in this for the long haul, for the partnership, for the long-term friendship and access to all the bonking a girl could ask for, not for the feeding of the sugary cake and throwing of the bouquet. Once upon a time I couldn't see past the thick bridal magazines and the enormous reception, but now...now I can see a wedding would be the prelude to the opera, the opening act to the rock star concert. Big weddings are lovely and great, just maybe not for me. If it came to it, the wedding could be however he wanted, since that's not what gets my heart a-flutter.

I tell him this as our favorite sitcom, Ny-Lon, finishes for the season. In it, the Englishman proposes to his American girlfriend.

"That's a bad idea, mate." Angus says to the tv screen. "Never ask a chick unless you're sure of the answer. The rejection would be excruciating."

"Do you think?" I ask.
"Yeah. I would never ask you unless I was sure of your answer."
Hmm...interesting. "So what do you think my answer would be?"
He considers. "I dunno. About 50-50, if I'm honest."
"Really?" I ask, surprised.
"Yeah." he says, candidly.
"Would you say yes or no if I asked you?" I ask him.
"Honestly? I'm not sure." he replies, looking at me.

Relax, Angus. You're safe. In my post-feminist world of I-can-do-anything, I still have a bit of traditional soul left in me. The proposing? That's a Man Job, if anything is.

-H.

PS-we're off to Brighton today for meetings and to start fixing up Angus' former home, which is hopefully going on the market soon. Nothing from me until Monday (including the long email I owe you, Dane!)

PPS-it occurred to me that I don't really comment much in my own comment section. Honestly, it's because I usually post in the morning then often don't get to check it until the evening, but don't think for a moment that comments get ignored or overlooked. I pay attention.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:21 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 1325 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Interesting that you should post about the wedding/marriage difference. It is the exact advice my mother gave me just before I got married. She said, the wedding is just one day but the marriage will last a lifetime, so don't worry so much about the wedding (I was nervous).

Posted by: RP at October 07, 2004 11:11 AM (X3Lfs)

2 I have so much to say that I think I might have to write a post on my own blog... but I completely agree with the "wedding as the first act of the opera" idea.

Posted by: martha at October 07, 2004 12:59 PM (5HJ2h)

3 At the risk of sounding repetitive; “…I'm not so interested in the wedding. I would be interested in the marriage” completely explains where GF and I are. That’s why we’re going to Vegas w/Elvis.

Posted by: Clancy at October 07, 2004 01:35 PM (EGVPL)

4 I completely agree with almost everything you said on that post! My fiancee and I are doing the Jamaica resort thing with about 10 people attending (immediate family and close friends). I'm wearing a red outfit (thank god I'm indian and don't have to deal with raised eyebrows). For us, this is a formality. We've been together for 3 years and have already started our "marriage" in my eyes. We just wanted something pretty and fun to make it legally official. Oh, and the good part about distance...you can invite people even though they won't come. You avoid hurting their feelings and end up only having the people there that really matter to you.

Posted by: Jadewolff at October 07, 2004 01:48 PM (8MfYL)

5 I wish some days that we didnt have to go through the big ordeal and expense that is the marriage process.

Posted by: pylorns at October 07, 2004 02:09 PM (FTYER)

6 OH YEAH. Don't think I didn't catch the quote from The Princes Bride "Mawwaige is what bwings us....togezzuh....today."

Posted by: pylorns at October 07, 2004 02:10 PM (FTYER)

7 i totally hear you on the opera bit. the idea of a big wedding stresses me out actually. have a super-fabuloso time next week. xoxoxox

Posted by: kat at October 07, 2004 02:27 PM (FhSIP)

8 Thank you for Rough Guides, didn´t know it. Wedding is taboo around my house. My "not-wife" and me have huge differences, and arguments usually turn very sour. I want the big deal church thing, she just wants to sign the paper and be done with it. We both have good points tough. Marriage is already here, its today and tomorrow. Living together, being a whole and planning kids accounts for something, right? I´m still excited about the having kids part. Doctor gave her the thumbs up this afternoon. Will try in 2 or 3 moths, lets see how it goes... wish us luck. Miguel.

Posted by: msd at October 07, 2004 08:38 PM (AUQUW)

9 My husband and I waited years before we got married... when we did we went to Italy and told our friends and family everyone was welcome... knowing not everyone would come. We ended up with about 29 people... the best part, it was 29 people who really wanted to be there, not feeling as if they had to be. Away weddings are the only way to go...

Posted by: Jessica at October 07, 2004 09:11 PM (jiaJ/)

10 Honey, I can't even keep my checkbook balanced, much less make a lifelong commitment! The whole concept makes me break out in hives. Then I think about paying for the mess, and that my mother refuses to meet the boyfriend anyway - and it becomes a huge logistical and financial nightmare... and I look like shit in white! (wow, way to overreact in your comments section!)

Posted by: Kaetchen at October 07, 2004 09:46 PM (1nMRx)

11 In my mind getting 'hitched' serves one real purpose.. and If I told you Helen you'd probably get really sad

Posted by: LarryConley at October 07, 2004 10:23 PM (aontM)

12 I've not yet been married and personally, when it finally (finally!) happens, I want my friends and my huge, wonderful family to be there to celebrate with me. You're right, a wedding isn't a marriage, it's basically just a day to party. I wouldn't wear white; I look awful in it. And I wouldn't pay thousands of dollars for mediocre chicken kiev; the reception would be desserts and champagne. But yay! Desserts! And yay! Champagne! And, you know, yay! Marriage! That's the way I'd like the day to be.

Posted by: Lesley at October 07, 2004 10:24 PM (yQGoT)

13 I hope you can "see" the amused glint in my eye right now. For both reasons. XOXO M

Posted by: Margi at October 07, 2004 10:29 PM (MAdsZ)

14 I'm totally with you on the proposal being the mans job thing, but when the 29th February (2000) rolled around, I just had to! But any other time, no. It's up to him.

Posted by: melanie at October 08, 2004 04:55 AM (jDC3U)

15 I am with you on the proposing. And the moves, well at least the first one As for any wedding. I went through this with my mother while engaged. I won't get into all the details. But at the end of it I screamed the following for my thick skulled mother. "FUCK THAT it is MY wedding, I don't care how THEY want me to do it. I dont care if it isn't in accord with all that propriety BULLSHIT. I'll do it the way that makes ME (and Nasty ex) HAPPY. And if they aren't happy for us they can all go FUCK themselves. " Between that and say NO to the poofy white dress, along with a not so subtle threat to elope. Well it finally shut her up. Point of that bit... it is about you two and you two come to a compromise on how you two will do it. The rest of the world we're just along for the ride.

Posted by: stinkerbell at October 08, 2004 08:59 AM (HhU+M)

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