This is a 988 word love letter.

If you don't like love, maybe you'd better not read it. Then again, maybe you should read it-there are some things in life that help us remember what we've forgotten.

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I am sitting on the train on my way into London Waterloo. Across from me is a couple, perhaps early 40's. He is decked out in a suit with a sparkly orange tie, and she has a black business suit marked by the vivid slash of a purple shirt beneath it. They are sitting side-by-side on this packed commuter train, this train full of sleeping men in business suits and men standing in the aisles, trying to balance while reading the paper. Periodically the air is punctuated by the sound of a mobile phone plinging off or the typing of a keyboard (like mine).

The couple across from me is holding hands, fingers enmeshed.

And even more than that, their thumbs are roving, aching, pushing, striving to massage and find purchase in each other's hearts.

Something about their thumb rub makes me think they are a new couple, and I want to tell them how much I am cheering for them. Life is hard on love. I hope that in ten years' time that thumb rub will still be in use.

The big wide world is so scary and difficult sometimes. A glance out the window at Woking shows two men arguing in the parking lot, an Audi sat askew, clear signs of a fender bender. The headlines on the Daily Telegraph the man across from me is reading show nothing but gloom and the bitter destruction of life. The sky is dark and grim, a foggy freezing morning that promises to hide the sun for the entire day.

And somewhere across town is my lovely boy, stressed and tired. Somewhere in a car, listening to Radio 4, is the single greatest light in my life, the one person that has more influence over my sadness and happiness than anyone has ever had before. I want to be a ghost and curl up on the seat next to him, whispering words of encouragement and love, words that he cannot hear but can only feel, words that will hop into his soul and warm him from the inside out.

Life with you, my darling boy, is everything I hoped it would be. It's lots of hours in the bedroom, it's lingering glances over the wine. It's also going to the airport to pick up your bouncing children. It's filling the dishwasher. It's arguing over the holidays. It's feeling utterly depressed when we argue. It's learning how electricity works and what your favorite train stations are.

My life has always been a roller coaster but at least the carriage that you built for us is much more secure and comfortable than any other car that I have been in. The obstacles and aggravations thrown in the path of our clickety-clickety roller coaster seldom get me down, simply because I have never known a calm life. I hadn't thought they existed, until I learned that was what your life used to be like.

If you stay with me, I can promise a lifetime of difficulties, not the least of which are the ones that exist in emotional ties and barriers in my head. I can promise you tears and sadness. I can promise occasional disappointment.

I can also promise that they way I love you will never lessen, it simply grows in foundation, filling out the giant mushroom cloud I feel for you into a stable base. I can promise that I will want to go new places and try new things with you. I can assure you that no matter where you are, chances are I am thinking about you. I can promise that I will never make you slay windmills on your own, that I will bring my donkey and my lance to try to help out. I can promise that if you ever get seriously ill I will drop everything and be with you no matter what. And if the illness isn't serious, I can promise to try not to make fun of the despair you approach a head-cold with and to buy you paracetamol.

The couple across from me is doing well. In a gesture that makes my heart swell I see he's buttoning her coat to protect the throat he loves so much from the cold. They smile in fondness and love and will, I assume, part company at the tube stop. But they will be a hidden specter in each other's hearts and confidence the rest of the day.

And that's what love is for me. It is the air on fire, the 'I can't live without you' feeling. It's the utter despair at the thought of being alone, the inability to keep hands off of each other in the kitchen. It's the willingness to cross oceans to be together, to uproot your life to be able to breathe the same air in the same space. It's the incredible ability to spend a day in bed and finding out that orgasms come in six packs.

Love is also knowing that I get to go to bed every night with my most favorite person in the world. It's knowing that if I am running late one evening, you will make us dinner. It's you knowing what my favorite foods are and predicting what I will order in a restaurant. It's being willing to love each other's children and cats just because we know how important they are to the other person. It's not just moving oceans to be together, but the willingness to possibly keep crossing oceans to stay together. Love is knowing that you worry and care and sometimes take me for granted but that you never, ever stop loving me.

It's you, baby.

Love is you.

-H.

PS-no broadband until next Friday. I know. Depressing state of affairs. But at least I have a working laptop now, and I was given a Blackberry thingy but have no idea how to use the damn thing. Good thing I work in telecom, eh?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:56 AM | Comments (26) | Add Comment
Post contains 1051 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Beautiful!

Posted by: redsaid at December 01, 2004 09:41 AM (NPIld)

2 Wow. Haven't you won that writing contest yet?

Posted by: Simon at December 01, 2004 10:02 AM (FUPxT)

3 Blackberry! Wow! You lucky, lucky girl.

Posted by: plumpernickel at December 01, 2004 11:22 AM (AXt1L)

4 Absolutely beautiful writing.

Posted by: Kari Holtz at December 01, 2004 11:41 AM (r+tvq)

5 Bravo.

Posted by: Kyle at December 01, 2004 01:16 PM (blNMI)

6 Blackberries rule.

Posted by: Easy at December 01, 2004 01:25 PM (U89mk)

7 That was wonderful, Helen. A great start to my day. :-)

Posted by: Jim at December 01, 2004 01:42 PM (tyQ8y)

8 Thanks for the reminder about what's important.

Posted by: RP at December 01, 2004 01:44 PM (LlPKh)

9 Dear Angus, Please send my boyfriend a letter and explain to him in very precise detail exactly what you do that gives Helen six orgasms. I'll donate a kidney if you ever need it.

Posted by: Lindsay at December 01, 2004 01:52 PM (srIAp)

10 Lindsay, Maybe sometime I'll hijack Helen's blog (with her permission) for a day and write a piece....

Posted by: Angus at December 01, 2004 02:05 PM (/SIeu)

11 Dear Angus, please tell ME what you do to give Helen 6 orgasms. The super model Mrs. Solomon might donate the other kidney if you need Helen, I like your balance of effort and emotion when describing love. Everyone knows it includes that wonderful "feeling", but many/most don't realize how much work and effort goes into making a relationship solid and long lasting.

Posted by: Solomon at December 01, 2004 02:06 PM (k1sTy)

12 Hijack!! Hijack!! Hijack!! Hijack!!

Posted by: Solomon at December 01, 2004 02:07 PM (k1sTy)

13 I was going to tell Lindsay that sometimes I am treated to a whole 12-pack, but then Angus beat me to it

Posted by: Helen at December 01, 2004 02:09 PM (eyzrV)

14 That was wonderful to wake up to. Although I was moved to tears and tears in my morning coffee tend to dilute it a bit. I'll just go pour more. I've been a big old sap lately.

Posted by: Lisa at December 01, 2004 02:26 PM (Wu7QI)

15 Helen: Thank you so much for that. It is so easy to get caught up in all the details of life, not realizing when the focus shifts away from the most special person in our lives. Your love letter demands that I stop and put my heart and energy back where it belongs, on my own beautiful boy. True love is indeed both the best and worst of everything you can imagine. And being lucky enough to be on that roller coaster is a real blessing.

Posted by: karmajenn at December 01, 2004 02:35 PM (fx1A8)

16 6?...wah, wait...12? holy crow, how have you not caught fire yet helen? but seriously, what a gorgeous love letter. it made my heart happy reading it, so i'm sure it touched angus's heart as well.

Posted by: kat at December 01, 2004 03:21 PM (QkuGS)

17 HA! *winks knowingly at Helen* Isn't it grand? Now, try to remember this next time you two are at each other's throats. *grins* Okay, okay...I never do that either. Not in the moment....still; I can advise YOU to! Ahahaha.. And Angus speaks in comments! Yay! I'm sure we'd all love to read a blog from you, Angus. :-)

Posted by: Amber at December 01, 2004 05:21 PM (zQE5D)

18 I agree, beautiful.

Posted by: Jessica at December 01, 2004 05:21 PM (DCWs3)

19 Holy freakin' cow. 12? I'd like an Angus for Christmas, please. Helen, I have a boyfriend who just LOVES to do dishes, he's fairly amusing and he bathes frequently. He's from the south and has an amazing accent. I don't suppose you're up for a trade? Seriously, though..incredible letter. Angus, if you're any kind of man..when you read Helen's letter your heart must have swollen to ten times its normal size. She's a gem of a girl. Except for that whole 12 orgasm thing. That just pisses me off. : )

Posted by: Lindsay at December 01, 2004 05:57 PM (srIAp)

20 12??!!!? Jesus, I've been doing something wrong. I need to get me an Angus! But seriously guys, it gives the rest of us hope when we read something like this. Despite everything you're still so full of love and it gives me hope and makes me jealous all at the same time. Helen - don't ever stop writing. You have such a way with words that even the most mundane of tasks can sound beautiful. Angus - hijack the blog, we want to hear what you've got to say for yourself young man! AxXx

Posted by: Lemurgirl at December 01, 2004 06:54 PM (mGNYg)

21 I wish you luck! :-)

Posted by: Mick at December 01, 2004 07:09 PM (VhRca)

22 I liked that. Now that I'm single it rings true even more, because I had and lost it. Although there was nothing I could have done differently to keep it...

Posted by: pylorns at December 01, 2004 09:15 PM (FTYER)

23 The description of love as a mushroom cloud - so true, so true.

Posted by: martha at December 02, 2004 02:25 AM (5HJ2h)

24 I love love letters... Thank you for sharing that.

Posted by: Snidget at December 02, 2004 03:29 AM (kTVt/)

25 You have such a gift, gal. I'm sitting here and working up a good bit of tears and then wham! You make me laugh. And you know, laughter through tears is one of my most favorite things. And as you well know -- I feel exactly as you do about my love. I highly recommend it. It cures all ills. ;o)

Posted by: Margi at December 02, 2004 04:46 AM (rKX9f)

26 Absolutely beautiful, Helen.

Posted by: Sue at December 02, 2004 05:33 AM (aUKta)

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