wrote in a comment some time ago, I have started investigating other options for moving to the UK should my visa fail. Mr. Y and I discussed it briefly on the phone. I asked him if he would be willing to move to the U.S., and he said it's something he could consider. I was flabbergasted-I had firmly expected a no. But that's even further back an option than what I have figured.
Namely, I have been considering if maybe I should go back to school.
I don't really have so many other options. I can't stay in Sweden-it's killing me here, and anyway I am about to be out a place to live. If I don't get the visa, I can't work in the UK. And if I go back to the U.S., I must start from the beginning again-buy a car, get a flat, get a job, and I will lose all my possessions. Not to mention that I am just not ready to go back right now.
But if I don't get the visa, can I accept just going back to school? Can I be ok with it if I am not working, not feeling a part of the greater picutre? Not sure. Some soul-searching needs to be done on that, I think.
So I have found a website that will help me with the applications, as an international student, now I need to find help figuring out what schools I can get U.S. financial aid for. Amazing-I managed to pay off a staggering amount of student loans 5 years ago, now I am facing it again.
And it wasn't until I was walking upstairs with a cup of cranberry juice and university wafting about my mind that the subject I should study came to light, the chance to understand myself and others.
Psychology.
I want to study psychology.
So it's back to the Internet drawing board again. I will check on financial aid, etc., and see what I come up with. And although this is the action plan for what happens if the visa fails (which will kill me), a part of me thinks a bit of part-time schooling might be in order, anyway.
Yesterday was a better day for me. I spent the morning re-doing the bedroom floors. The house is 100 years old, and the filling between the wood floorboards is missing, so we have been working on filling it again with this "wood in a can" filler stuff.
I love that. It could solve all our re-forestation issues. Need more trees here? Get the can.
I did all that, walked the dog, and then needed to shower, as therapy beckoned in the afternoon. I headed to the shower, looking forward to a good long sudsing up, and once in there I realized I had a problem.
We were out of shampoo.
And the fact that I hadn't washed my hair in four days (hey...welcome to depression) and that it was filled with bits of wood in a can didn't help. So I did what any industrious, fast-thinking adult would do and solved the problem.
If my therapist noted I smelled like my dog's Hertz 3-in-1 Flea and Tick Shampoo, he didn't comment on it.
Woof.
-H.
PS-had an erotic dream last night about being rescued by a Marine. Anyone know where I can get one of those? 
1
oo, i'm the first commenter! and that's only because the damn dog woke me up at 4 am.
school sounds like a good plan. good for you for moving forward despite the obstacles and despite feeling low and despite all the craziness. *muah* you're doin awesome. xoxoxox.
Posted by: kat at February 19, 2004 11:01 AM (qEQy+)
2
Having a backup plan never hurts, as evidenced by that dog shampoo incident. ;-) But somehow I can't wrap my mind around the idea of you going back to school - I guess I just can't imagine you without work. How lame is that?!
Re: visa - I fucking hate it when they do the "oh, we also need x - come back when you have it" shuffle, repeatedly and malevolently. I hope they get their act together soon, I'm starting to get cramps from all the appendage-crossing.
Re: useless trivia. I can sympathize, oh how I can sympathize. No one will play Trivial Pursuit with me anymore, but ask me something potentially usefull, and I'm sure to draw a blank...
Posted by: Gudy at February 19, 2004 11:55 AM (6UiVs)
3
Hi H,
It's good to see you've got a decent back-up plan. Now instead of counting on one thing, you have given yourself options, and I think options are always a good thing.
To me it's also a clear sign that on some level you are getting your head around recent troubles.
Yay you!
"Wood in a can"? That sounds so wrong. How would I use it to make myself a table?
Take care and keep smiling
Del
Posted by: Del at February 19, 2004 11:58 AM (uBMdw)
4
A studying dog! Your job in the circus is assured.
And we all know the old saying: "You can't teach an old dog new ticks."
Boom tish.
Posted by: Simon at February 19, 2004 12:06 PM (GWTmv)
5
I actually see you very easily in a university setting, probably because you're both bright and inquisitive.
Ooh...ooh...tip of the tongue...almost there...got it.
"If you're smart and curious you should be in school until you learn how to make what you want to make. Working is for people who aren't curious any more."
That's what Papa (Grampa P) told me when he found out I was enlisting in the Navy.
Posted by: Blog Pimp Daddy at February 19, 2004 01:15 PM (saeHM)
6
Actually, I just spoke to Mr. Y on the phone. Turns out he's not keen on the university idea after all.
Back to the drawing board...*sigh*
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 02:16 PM (q4AbD)
7
Psychology - I´ve got one at home! She says I´m her case study
. But I don´t think that the "understanding myself" part is true. You will allways need help for that, no one can do that on their own. "My psychologist" benefits from my non professional, but loving help. I think. Either that or I just drive her crazy... Miguel.
Posted by: msd at February 19, 2004 02:17 PM (wW77H)
8
Miguel-you betcha' I will continue having help figuring out myself
Blog Pimp Daddy-if my visa fails, will you help me hook myself up in the UK then? I am assuming you work internationally.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 02:27 PM (q4AbD)
9
I have to say I have made that decision and am living it. Not a single regret about it either. I wouldnt trun away from it yet. Could be just where you need to be.
If you want help on being a student abroad and finacial aid feel free to email me I can give you some support (as I almost went to the Univ. of Edinburgh) and resources.
Posted by: stinkerbell at February 19, 2004 03:24 PM (szY/g)
10
H,
How about Child or Adolescent Psychology? Think of it as preventive maintenence.
I think there are a lot of people who would be in a much better place had they had access to a quality support system in their developmental years.
If Y doesn't like the idea of university he doesn't have to go. Tell him you'll see him after class!
I'll bet University of Chicago has a terrific Psych Department. Hmmmm...
Take care, little flame.
Posted by: Paul at February 19, 2004 04:25 PM (bWfDG)
11
I don't think Mr. Y quite realizes that you *make* money going to school in the US, if you pay your loans back before they're due. Since the loans are interest-free, if you pay them back before the due date then you're actually paying less than you borrowed due to the rate of inflation. Plus, our student loans are *much* more generous than the UK loans, especially at the graduate level.
Perhaps Mr. Y isn't keen on psychologist Helen, but there are *lots* of things to study. Ever considered teaching? Pay's not great, but that's one profession that you should easily be able to get a visa for in the UK - and knowing how you love kids, it might be a good opportunity for you to work with them. BTW, I don't have your address to send my copy of the book to you, but will help with financial aid info.
Posted by: Courtney at February 19, 2004 04:28 PM (7HzK2)
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Just be careful not to become one of those people who go into Psychology expecting to "diagnose" and "fix" themselves....huhum...not that I would know anything about that....
Posted by: Rebecca at February 19, 2004 04:30 PM (ZHfdF)
13
Helen:
Stop! Look! Listen! (to yourself) This painful period of your life has the potential to hone you some remarkable skills at taking care of yourself – organizing the rest of your life on YOUR terms, not how you are identified by a job – or, worse, a man. I fear you are missing a golden opportunity here?
Have you considered the option of making decisions about your life without the detritus of who you’re sleeping with – or what your job title is? Have you considered taking a brief respite from the entanglement created by starting a new relationship before the old broken one is cleaned up and resolved? A mental time out?
Can you see what’s driving your life right now? Do you understand the significance of your willingness to throw the university plan out the window based on the fact that Mr Y gave you a thumbs down on that idea? Are you really willing to give over control of your future to this man – any man?
You’re smart and capable and competent. Why are you giving away the power in your life to ANYone else – thinking with your ovaries -- which have a poor reputation for “intellect” or long-range planning! Boff the guy til you can barely sit up and take nourishment, if you need to. But for God’s sake, do NOT base hugely critical life decisions on whether or not Mr Y gives it the nod. That’s where the “If it hadn’t been for you, I could have . . . . . “ viperous accusations come from ten years down the road.
This is YOUR life, Helen. Don’t entrust it to anyone other than Helen. Cuz that’s who you’re gonna live with til the day you die. The constancy of others is always uncertain. Being in love or lust while trying to orchestrate the Good Life for yourself muddies the waters severely. The fire your ovaries are creating at the moment will eventually morph to something less dramatic and, hopefully, sustainable over the long haul. That’s where the rubber meets the road. When that smoke clears, you need to see a life with YOUR thumbprint on it – not someone else’s.
Trust yourself. You have all the answers within you. Sometimes they’re hard to hear when your life has gotten too ‘noisy’. Be still and listen to your soul. It’s very wise and has Helen’s best interests at heart.
Annie
Posted by: Annie at February 19, 2004 04:41 PM (GsjEB)
14
Annie, your comment was like some of those from the other commenters that I love so much-helpful, riveting, and straight to the core.
It's amazing you listed the ovaries thing, since that was Mr. Y's greatest reservation about the university thing (he didn't rule it out, just said he had massive reservations about it)-namely that it would take some years before I was established again in the workplace (perhaps about 5 years) and thus he would feel too old to consider children (and he would be 47, so I honestly don't blame him). Having a child is such a tremendous driver for me for the future.
To be honest, what's driving me so hard right now is myself. I want this job. I need a job, preferably this job. I cannot stay in Sweden anymore, not even if I wanted to-there are no jobs here. If I shut out all the noises in my life, from somewhere deep inside I hear the yearning to be in England, to be somewhere not home but not here, to be somewhere where I can open my mouth and not feel bad that English is what wants to come out of it.
And above all, I want to charge my way back into working, into believing in myself, and so that I can say to Company X: Fuck you. You thought you could beat me, but you can't. Nobody decides when I am out of the game but me.
Petty maybe. But at least it gets me out of bed in the morning.
And Paul-I would've LOOOOOOOOOOVED to go to Univ of Chicago. Talk about a great school!
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 04:52 PM (Qjb3P)
15
Just remember "It's ALL trivia until you need it."
Posted by: Brass at February 19, 2004 05:07 PM (SrRJG)
16
Helen,
I'm not going to be able to host Luuka after all , so can you remove me from the list please?
Thanks,
wench
Posted by: Wench at February 19, 2004 05:24 PM (j4ByO)
17
I wish I could, but I'm not going to be able to get to Memphis for quite some time. I originally thought I would be able to shoot down there any time, but there's been a change in circumstances.
Posted by: Wench at February 19, 2004 05:25 PM (j4ByO)
18
So Helen, Leaving everyone else out of the equation, what is it that you really want to do? And where do you really want to be?
Posted by: Marie at February 19, 2004 05:48 PM (PQxWr)
19
H -
Erotic dreams about being rescued by a Marine huh?
Yeah, I have those too... ;-P
Be well, kid. School is a great idea, provided you can study what REALLLY interests you. Mr Y approval or no, you gotta do what's going to be best for you. Remember, you're on your "last life"... you old soul, you.
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 19, 2004 05:49 PM (IOX+E)
20
Why would you lose all of your possessions by moving back to the US? Expense of shipping them all back?
By the way, if I'm one of the bad in Sedalina's comments then I do apologize. I don't ever intend to insult unless insulted first. And Joshua's been like fingernails on a chalkboard for months so I felt like I had to take him down a peg or ten.
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at February 19, 2004 06:25 PM (kFKqC)
21
Johnny-it is indeed the cost. And you're not one of the bad-Joshua's pissed me off, too
Mike-I'd go gay for her.
Marie-you know, I just don't know anymore. I thought I had answers to all of these things, but the only thing driving me right now is Dream Job and the visa. I think I am, otherwise, lost.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 06:30 PM (F+FYj)
22
Cool. It would be nice if you came back to the U.S. would could consider one part of the country over the other?
Posted by: Drew at February 19, 2004 06:39 PM (K/rfM)
23
Few people are really great at a lot of things. They're generally exceptional at one or two things and good, average, or worse at everything else.
You can't be a superior mom and superior student or employee too. The super-model Mrs. Solomon is a superior mom, and it takes most of her day. She could be a good mom if she worked 40 or 50 hours/week but not superior.
There isn't enough time to be superior at multiple things as time intensive as parenting, working, and schooling are unless you combine them somehow (i.e. having a family business).
Figure out what's the most important goal and then focus on that. For ol' Solomon it's being the best, most Godly husband and dad I can be. Everything else takes a back seat. Everything!
Posted by: Solomon at February 19, 2004 06:45 PM (t5Pi1)
24
Well...as long as the side of your toothpaste tube doesn't have the letters 'BenGay'...
Posted by: Roger at February 19, 2004 06:59 PM (8S2fE)
25
H,
As something of a perpetual student myself (just finishing my second degree and trying to get things organised to apply for my third), the main advice I'd give about making any decision to return to your studies is to think about what you'd like to do after graduating again.
There's no doubt that doing another degree (and psychology would be an incredibly interesting course judging by the B.Sc year my brother did as part of his medical degree) would be great for someone with as much of a thirst for knowledge as you seem to possess. However it's only worth studying something like that now in a full-time capacity if you plan to seek employment in that field afterwards. If not, then you'll just be damaging your employability in your current field by taking three years out.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's something in the UK called the
Open University, which allows people to study for degrees and other qualifications whilst working full-time. That might be an option worth exploring whether or not Dream Job and the visa get sorted out the way we all want them to.
Posted by: Gareth at February 19, 2004 07:16 PM (NHA9E)
26
Some unsolicited advice, if you can take it. If you're planning on using the degree to pay back the loan, may I suggest you minor in Psychology? It's incredibly interesting, and you'll love studying it, but the degree itself (the Masters, in my case) has not offered many options, at least in my personal experience. If you're thinking of a bachelors, don't. Really. If you're thinking of a Masters, know you'll need another two years of certifications to be considered for a job, and that the job in question will likely pay around 24K. (This is in the US, mind, but it may be the same in Sweden/UK.) If you still want to do it, then volunteer in a mental hospital for awhile. If you still want to do it after that, then go for it! Best of luck!
Posted by: Allison at February 19, 2004 08:32 PM (YmC5g)
27
if my visa fails, will you help me hook myself up in the UK then? I am assuming you work internationally.
Unfortunately most of my muscle is in the Atlanta area. But if you're looking to live in a place with four actual seasons I can sure help you out. ;-)
Posted by: Blog Pimp Daddy at February 19, 2004 08:43 PM (IOwam)
28
Roger - I don't get the toothpaste reference.
Posted by: Solomon at February 19, 2004 08:44 PM (t5Pi1)
29
I've got a BA in Psychology. It was the only thing I could make decent grades in without studying. I also have an economics degree. I've used the psychology degree much more than economics in the business world.
If I had it to do over, I would've become a psychiatrist.
Posted by: Tee at February 19, 2004 08:55 PM (YF2Uq)
30
Hi Solomon,
Well if you get up real early and don't turn on the light so as not to hurt your eyes and squeeze
this onto to your toothbrush and start scrubbing...you'll get it:-)
Of course this is accidental compared to H doing what "any industrious, fast-thinking adult would do..."
Posted by: Roger at February 19, 2004 09:18 PM (8S2fE)
31
Roger - Ouch. I trust your mouth muscles were all ready for exercising afterwards.
Posted by: Solomon at February 19, 2004 09:32 PM (t5Pi1)
32
Helen... you'd go gay for Catherine Bell? Well, that just inspired some "me" time when I get home tonight...
GOD, WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS!?!
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 19, 2004 09:33 PM (Zw7Hl)
33
Hmmm, it seems
Cingular Wireless won the bid to buy AT&T Wireless to create the nation's largest wireless telecomm company. They could probably use some new blood in said new company.
And it just so happens they'll be headquartered here in Atlanta.
I'm just sayin' ...
Posted by: Joey at February 19, 2004 10:58 PM (Sk2Wf)
34
I always find it so interesting that most of the people I know that have really pursued Psychology did so because they wanted a better understanding of what was going on in their own lives. They needed an explanation for the things they did or felt that no one else could comprehend. Admirable, but it makes me wonder sometimes if it puts a slant on the profession as a whole.
Posted by: emily at February 19, 2004 11:12 PM (2zW8B)
35
I've considered psychology ever since I started seeing a psychologist.. but then I know myself well enough that it's because I want to learn the language of the Pysche and I would use it to hide behind and tout my knowledge of all things psychological....
I'm safer and far less annoying in my ignorance.
And I liked what Annie had to say about listening to your inner voice...
Posted by: sasoozie at February 20, 2004 01:32 AM (PKfRb)
36
Yes! Psychology! Look what a history degree got me...no don't ;-)
I'm thinking of you Helen, and wishing the best as always.
Posted by: Rob at February 20, 2004 04:34 AM (fJHe3)
37
...from the beginning again-buy a car, get a flat, get a job...
My my, you have been away too long... silly girl, if you buy a car and get a flat, you will need a spare and a jack before you can get a job =)
What do they call a tire without air in it in England? hmm
Dane
Posted by: Dane at February 20, 2004 06:49 AM (ncyv4)
38
I see I'm not the only one who's ever dipped into the pet's shampoo in a time of need.
Heck, how do you think "Horse and Mane" became so popular? Someone had to use it on their hair first.
Posted by: Serenity at February 20, 2004 08:09 AM (GChd/)
39
Dane: I had to read that again too.
"Buy a car and get a flat? Why? Why would she want to do that? Oh, is she being sarcastic?"
One sentence later...
"Oooooh....heh. I'm a dork."
Posted by: Serenity at February 20, 2004 08:11 AM (4A/WT)
40
I can never keep it straight. If I call it a flat in the U.S., I get teased.
If I call it an apartment here, I get the piss taken out of me.
I think I shall resort to domicile. That should be clearer
Posted by: Helen at February 20, 2004 10:17 AM (dAvno)
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