I am so fucking tired I could burst and only have 30 minutes at this terminal anyway, so a short one from me (although a much longer one coming tomorrow).
I have spent my entire day squirreled away in an office in Maidenhead (I am not making that up) and now am home. It's raining, freezing, and windy. It is exactly 2 weeks until my 30th birthday and we are not going to Jamaica now.
But please, please, please let us go somewhere. And let it be warm there.
I spent a while last night at the gym here, simply floating, backstroking, and side-stroking my way to calm. I miss Y, X Partner Unit and I have to talk this weekend (where, incidentally, divorce papers await me), and my workload is fun but in all different corners of the UK.
Mr. Y and I have not been getting on. We have fought nearly every evening this week, the first being about a topic heavy on my mind (babies), culminating to last night, in which he was very angry that I didn't call him.
Sometimes I forget that I am not the only one that can get insecure.
-H.
1
Can't be...I'm first? If the main issue is over children (one does and the other dosn't)it has been the death blow to many a fine relationship. Its one of the few things that there is no middle ground on.
Posted by: Drew at March 18, 2004 06:48 PM (CBlhQ)
2
Oh I don't know. Taking in his 12-year-old niece has been a nice compromise.... That, and the scads of pets we have. Nothing *has* to be a death knell, unless one wants to stop working on the relationship.
And, in my mind, it's perfectly natural that there should be fights right about now. Both stressed, both insecure, both trying like mad in a new situation....
Thought of the day: What happens when a woman who admits that she *is* her job gets her fondest wish, babies?
Posted by: Courtney at March 18, 2004 06:58 PM (H+Rv6)
3
I love you Simon (Helen made me say that
.
Drew's right, there's no middle ground. Either you have children or you don't. This is the very kind of thing that absolutely should be ironed out BEFORE proceeding any further. If it can't be remedied without one side being crushed, both of you should move on (or back) to more compatible relationships.
I'd like to see both of you work it out with your spouse. That's very unpopular and improbable, but it's doable...and it's not too late. Partner Unit could transfer to Company X in England, and SHE could forgive Mr. Y.
Posted by: Solomon at March 18, 2004 07:21 PM (t5Pi1)
4
Truthfully I'm not surprised about the fighting either. He's getting divorced and you're pulling out of a massive despair pit. It sounds trite but the best thing either one can do is repeat a mantra whenever you have the urge to yell at each other. Try something like:
"I'm stressed like a motherfucker. The man ('woman' for him) is just as stressed. We seriously need to help each other and this is not the way to do it. Would I rather hug him ('bang her' for him) or scream at him ('her')?"
If you both do that there will be a lot more hugging and banging and a whole lot less screaming and fighting. It's definitely better for all concerned.
Posted by: Jim at March 18, 2004 07:22 PM (IOwam)
5
ah, floating sounds nice. hang in there darlin. the transition is going to take some time to settle. i think you're doing beautifully.
xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at March 18, 2004 08:04 PM (QkuGS)
6
H,
With Y being away this week I expected your only problem would be missing him. Well that and the bank thing. I'm sorry that's not the case.
You both have pretty distinct lists of wants. You need to figure out which items are Must Haves and which are Nice to Haves. Hopefully you're both able to mesh them into a single list you can build a long, loving relationship around.
Congrats on resolving the bank account. Now can you loan me a fiver, little flame?
Posted by: Paul at March 18, 2004 08:23 PM (bWfDG)
7
Hi everyone,
Luuka here. Just wanted to let you all know I'm fine. Brass wants me to apologize for him keeping me so long. He just got a brand new Jeep and decided to take a week off and take me to Moab. We had a lot of fun there and got some really great pictures. Unfortunately, while Brass was trying to get an action shot of me frolicking by the river, Brass fell into said river and sorta fried the camera. Brass's friends, whom he calls a bunch of bastards, laughed and said that would have been the best shot and to bad we don't have a camera. Brass left the camera on a cairn as a sacrifice to the Indian god Kokopelli (Brass says he's the god of hippies and cheezy gift shops in southern Utah and northern Arizona). He has promised to send me first class to Robert in Jersey at the end of this week. I can't wait to meet Robert he sounds very nice.
Love to all,
Luuka.
Posted by: Brass at March 18, 2004 09:39 PM (SrRJG)
8
Love is painful sometimes. Isn't it? Hang in there darlin.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 18, 2004 10:57 PM (xpNFK)
9
OK... nobody asked me, we don't even know each other, and I'm a good bit older than most who post here... I've been lurking at this wonderful blog for awhile because I enjoy Helen's writing, and after all, her adventures are like a good book : ) IMO, it might be refreshing to meet some other people.... not get too tied into the relatioship with Mr. Y... don't stress out if it's not working right now... take time to breathe, be yourself, and believe in yourself. Take it easy!
Posted by: Annette at March 18, 2004 11:55 PM (9CmXw)
10
Bummer news but I'm glad the bank worked out.
Its a new relationship, work with him to come to agreements, compromise on the low priority for you, high priority for him and stick to your guns on the important stuff for you.
Good luck!
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at March 19, 2004 01:20 AM (AyewP)
11
I wanted a baby. He didn't want any more children.
But we got our babies. Five of 'em. Born on our bed the night our cat had kittens
But I do know what it feels like to really really want a baby with the man you love *hugs*
Posted by: melanie at March 19, 2004 02:14 AM (jDC3U)
12
Helen,
I don't have any words, but I have ((hugs)). Take care, be patient, and keep floating (it's very relaxing).
Posted by: Sue at March 19, 2004 02:26 AM (hT9/F)
13
Drew is right. Kids are somthing you have to agree on or someone is going to feel mistreated in the relationship (either because they are forced to go without or they are roped into them). My ex and I used to get in huge fights about childeren. When I started dating my current boyfriend I asked him within the first month if he was ever planning on having kids. He looked at me like I had somthing growing out of my nose and then said "well geee, I'd just like to date for awhile if that's ok with you" and then laughed. But I explaied why i asked the question which was that i was getting very attached to him and that if he never wanted to have kids I knew we weren't going to work out. Luckily he does want them someday...hopefully with me!
So hold on there Helen....it will be ok.
(BTW love the blog....you are a wonderful writer)
Posted by: Casey at March 19, 2004 02:40 AM (0M9ku)
14
*hugs* Congrats on the bank account! I do agree that perhaps having outside contacts and friends - from personal (hard) experience, I have found that you cannot live too much in one other person - you have to be a separate person as well. Not sure if that made sense or not though
Anyway, good luck, I know that is a very sensitive and topic for you.
More *hugs* (if wanted)
Posted by: Onyx at March 19, 2004 05:46 AM (G3591)
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