My life is nearly unrecognizable from what it was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. Maybe even 3 months ago. Where once it was sheathes of misery, now I am much lighter, much happier. Perhaps it's even getting a bit boring to read me: Oh Helen, yes, yes, we know you're in love and think Mr. Y hung the moon, yank yank, how nice for you but my life sucks so could you just do us all a favor and shoot the fucking prancing ponies and fluttering fairies now, OK? You were more interesting mental. I mean, more mental. Thanks.

It's not always perfect chez Helen. We do have arguments, and although I am getting more comfortable with the fact that we have arguments and they're normal, they happen, they don't mean the end of the Gap culture as we know it, it doesn't mean I always like some of the things that are said during the arguments, which in my typical mental way I remember and stab myself with whenever the going gets rough. We had a bust-up last night in fact, and although I think things are relatively ok now and we're mostly friends, we're still a bit frosty.

You know-we open our mouths and a light comes on.

I think sometimes my spider senses are off.

I had this idea in my head to surprise Mr. Y with last week, a small little brainstorm that made me laugh and I hoped would make him laugh. I don't know how I thought of it, but a few mouse clicks later I had procured the item I needed. When it arrived in the post, I ran upstairs, put it on, and came down to Mr. Y on the couch.

It was a pink wig.

And, sliding onto Mr. Y's lap, his face adorned with a big grin, it was then that I knew my idea was indeed appreciated. I sat on his lap and smiled, pink strands flying about, startling me periodically in my peripheral vision as I saw them light their fluorescent way. It made me feel younger, it made me feel naughty, and above all, it made me laugh.

"I am Lola." I said, sliding my arms around his neck. "Tell me about your day."

And so, with my skirt rucked up around my upper thighs and my pink hair in our faces, he talked about his day at work while I listened happily, sitting on the couch with the sun coming in the windows. Then I went outside and watered the plants. And I did the whole thing with a big grin.

Lola is, to me, a little happy sex kitten. She's easy going, she's bouncy, she's sexy yet not a slapper. When I think of what pink-haired Lola is like, I think about a happy chick that would cook her man fondue and serve it to him wearing a skimpy skirt. She'll giggle with laughter as they tell each other jokes. She stands up for her opinions and won't back down. She has enough moxy to float Hollywood. She's skinny and, to be honest, not gorgeous, just interesting looking.

You know the kind of chick-she's the one in the grocery shop in the combat pants and skimpy T-shirt that leans on the handle of the cart and flies down the shop aisle. She's the bouncy one that goes to a nightclub at night, armed only with a whistle, a tube of lipstick, and an attitude. She's up for anything in the bedroom, provided it feels good for all involved. She has no problem heading to the nearest greasy spoon to order coffee and scrambled eggs at 2 am, chatting to a waitress named "Sue" with yellow fingernails and enough Rave in the hair to plug holes in cement. Men turn their heads when they see her, simply because she walks with a casual confidence that she doesn't even recognize, and she sings a buoyant song in her head, unaware she is getting stared at. She's the one that heads first for the animal with a limp, scooping them up and declaring herself to be their mother.

She's also great at giving head, which is a perk.

And before you stress, let me tell you-this is not some alternate personality that I have. I'm not schizophrenic. I don't have enough room in me for Helen, let alone subletting another person into my head. This isn't some weird schism or psychotic break, just a piece of pink-floss that is able to unlock some of the things that are inside of me, my emporer's new clothes, my way of doing the kinds of things I want to do. A way of envisioning a part of an ideal woman, the lighter, joyful type of woman that I have never been (I've always thought of myself as more of a raving moor-wanderer's chick, perhaps).

Lola makes me laugh. The idea of her makes me laugh, and seeing myself in the pink wig makes me grin. And the truth is, after putting the wig on, picking off dead petunias from the windowbox and making my man laugh, after thinking about what Lola means....well, I don't need a pink wig to do all of those things. I am not in danger of creating another personality simply because all of the things she is to me...I already am.

OK, I need to work on standing up for myself more, but in general, all of her traits are already in me, they just needed the right person to unlock them. So after donning the wig and thinking about how I felt about Lola, I decided...I like her. And the weird thing is...she's a part of me.

Does that mean I like me? Yeah...let's not get carried away. I am not the picture of mental health and self-confidence. This is not my id kicking my ego's ass or anything.

It's getting way too Freudian in here.

I like the wig. I'm keeping it, and Lola will get an airing periodically. When I walk to the village shop for some milk. In my garden, sipping some wine. When I greet Mr. Y at the front door, wearing nothing and slipping a finger into his waistband, drawing him upstairs for a round of Extreme Shagging.

But I can also do those things when I am not Lola.

But a pink wig...come on. Now that's funny.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:22 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 1079 words, total size 6 kb.

1 lol...just keep the wig and smile

Posted by: croxie at August 06, 2004 09:28 AM (EPXEG)

2 pink wig !! lol Post a Pic.

Posted by: freevheel at August 06, 2004 09:49 AM (79vbc)

3 Sadly, a pink wig would immediately put me in mind of "Beauty School Dropout" from "Grease", and I think that'd pretty much kill any sexual mood for me. But hey, as long as it's working for you

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at August 06, 2004 11:05 AM (1APwW)

4 Her name was Lola? Was she a show girl? Now I cannot get that song out of my mind. Let me offer some unsolicited advice re fights: Don't go to bed angry with each other. Whatever it takes, apologize or resolve it before bed. Sleeping simply hardens positions taken in anger. That was my mother's advice to me as a little kid and it has always proven to be correct. I'm glad you're so much in love. It just shines through.

Posted by: Random Penseur at August 06, 2004 11:15 AM (X3Lfs)

5 Whatever you do, check it is Y before you open the door. Otherwise the poor man from Royal Mail will have a lot of explaining to do to his wife.

Posted by: Simon at August 06, 2004 11:48 AM (GWTmv)

6 RP-we recently adopted that one, too, since I hate the frozen bed wars. We nearly succeeded last night, and things still feel a tiny bit wobbly, but I am hopeful that after we are done today (we're both in London for the afternoon) we can kick back with a bottle of wine, relax, and be warm friends again.

Posted by: Helen at August 06, 2004 01:10 PM (dKPoa)

7 That's grand, Helen. I hope you and Y enjoy your champagne friday and have a lovely weekend.

Posted by: Random Penseur at August 06, 2004 01:38 PM (LlPKh)

8 I love the pink wig, that is great. Every rollercoaster has its ups and downs, some parts go faster some take their time and allow the insane to enjoy the ride a bit more. Enjoy the ride and like said above, do not go to bed mad, go to be neutral if it is the worst, but never mad.

Posted by: stinkerbell at August 06, 2004 01:52 PM (m18uI)

9 I picture "the wig" looking like the one Scarlett Johansson wore in Lost in Translation. My girlfriend and I were watching that one night and when that scene came on she turned to me and said "My God, you really want her!". I asked her why she thought that and she replied that I had suddenly stopped breathing! Oops. That Y is one lucky man!

Posted by: Paul at August 06, 2004 02:05 PM (xdj7o)

10 All that and no picture? you little imp you! I know exactly who Lola is, I think I may have even dated her, heh Spiked hair, a flowery sun dress, and Doc Martins, and like you said, more than not caring what other people thought, she did not even think to notice

Posted by: Dane at August 06, 2004 02:40 PM (ncyv4)

11 Helen! I want one! Please tell me where you got it. Only, I want a different color... blue or green maybe.

Posted by: wench at August 06, 2004 03:29 PM (j4ByO)

12 That is too funny Helen, thanks for making me smile this morning! Ya, lets see a pic of the wig on LOL!

Posted by: justme at August 06, 2004 03:59 PM (Uokm7)

13 I'm with Justine. The picture of you and teh dog is lovely, but where's the wig?

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 06, 2004 06:46 PM (KqlEq)

14 Sssssssssssizzle!!!!! (I think we all have a bit of Lola, no?)

Posted by: redsaid at August 06, 2004 09:15 PM (CNg5T)

15 i've been reading for a while, and love your blog. i recently read a book that reminded me somehow of some of your writing, or at least seems like something you might enjoy: "look at me" by jennifer egan. check it out if you need a novel for a weekend trip.

Posted by: MH at August 06, 2004 09:34 PM (u71p7)

16 Good for you, honeybun. I happen to think you're lucky -- some folks need scads of alcohol to unleash the inner badgirl. Nobody gets along perfectly every stinking day of the year. Day in and day out. Bleh. Booorrrinng. When the boys' dad and I split, my eldest came to me in confusion and said to me: "But mom, you never fought!" And I said to him: "Son. . .just because people fight doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't fight, doesn't mean they do." As someone who witnessed WAY TOO MANY fights in my formative years -- yelling makes me four years old. However, I have learned that a couple can have disagreements without raised voices and/or throwing, hitting and punching. I'm not so sure about RP's "don't go to bed angry" thing. It's a noble thought, but sometimes, it ain't gonna get fixed right away, but it's taken me a LOT of years to find someone with whom I feel secure enough to say exactly what's on my mind -- and know that he still loves me. If you've got that, kid, you've got it licked. Now go kiss and make up. Make-up sex is THE BEST!

Posted by: Emma at August 07, 2004 12:32 AM (NOZuy)

17 yes, she WAS a showgirl she showed us what it looks like when she accepted that she might have accidentally started liking herself, even a teeny tiny bit, and that she survived the knowledge that this brought to her world oh, and she was good at lots of things

Posted by: ntexas99 at August 07, 2004 04:49 AM (bN02q)

18 I love the new picture. You look so happy. Trying to picture you with a hot pink wig? Riotous. Yes it is funny. This is what I'm saying about everyone THINKING they have a sense of humor. Frankly, if you can't get a good bellly laugh out of hot pink wig love, then you need to rethink if you ever had a sense of humor at all! Cheers, Elizabeth (the other vice-president of the mutual admiration society)

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 07, 2004 05:51 AM (KqlEq)

19 u really gotta post a pic of u in that wig... ;-)

Posted by: lucidly awake at August 08, 2004 04:39 PM (jKcYB)

20 mmrrawwwr! girl you are too sexy for words. xoxox

Posted by: kat at August 08, 2004 08:27 PM (QkuGS)

21 It's called "make-believe", "dress up", "playing". Remember how we did that as kids and everyone thought it was cute, creative, and accepted it? Why must that change just because someone gets older? Many people do things like this...it doesn't make you weird, crazy or whatever anyone, including yourself, may be telling you. It's just good ol' fun.

Posted by: Serenity at August 08, 2004 09:30 PM (xdd6k)

22 I have always, always wanted to be that woman. Sure, at age 50 they're not looking so hot. But they just seem to *enjoy* so many things in life. And they're exactly the kind of hyper chick that le Coq goes for. It's just so very different from how I grew up - hyperactive amounts of responsibility and nothing to look forward to but death... Okay, I took your wig jaunt a bit seriously. Sorry 'bout that.

Posted by: Kaetchen at August 09, 2004 04:32 PM (1nMRx)

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