For some reason, this year Christmas isn't touching me. The red bows and the gold baubles, the lights and cut-outs and brightness. It isn't getting into my ears and under my skin. The decorations and possibilities of the holiday are escaping me, and my Martha Stewart Christmas fantasy is rapidly fading. I have bought all the Christmas presents, and mailed nearly all of them. Christmas cards were whisked into the post. Stockings will be hung by the chimney with care and the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners fall to me, which I actually want. I drink Starbuck's gingerbread lattes (without the whipped cream, thanks) and warm the lining of my stomach with allspice and nutmeg.

But something isn't getting inside my heart.

The big bright Christmas lights are leaving me cold. The thought of a tree exhausts me. I haven't sung any Christmas carols at the top of my lungs in the house or car, which I usually have to restrain myself from doing all throughout November. To tell the truth, I simply want to curl up in my home and stay inside.

Our house even has decorations-an Angel we bought in Palma hangs on the front door. A garland of cute pink angel lights from Amsterdam lines the kitchen wall and in every window are Swedish lights we brought back from Stockholm. Our house is a blaze of gorgeous and comfortable Christmas light, but recently I saw we have a few dark corners of the house and I wonder what lingers there.

The fact of the matter is I love Christmas. I love it, love it, love it. I love the lights, the bustle, the dreams of Santa Clause (yes, Virginia, I believe!) The single greatest part of it is I get to buy presents for people without coming across as weird or needy. I love giving people things even more than I like getting things. I like feeling like I paid attention and took note of what they wanted and needed.

I'm missing something this year, and I don't know what it is.

I know work is getting me down. It just doesn't seem to be going any better. I spend so much time on conference calls that I think my ear has turned into a funnel shape.

I got a call on Monday, a call which made my mobile phone squeak and squak awkwardly, punching the silence of the Dream Job quiet atmosphere. I decide to pick up the phone (I don't always, half the time I simply don't feel like answering the phone. Yet another reason why I am totally unsuited to be working in telecom) and answer as I usually do.

'Hello, this is Helen.' I say rapidly into the phone, so that it's really a brusque 'HellothisisHelen'.

I heard only music.

What the?

'Hello?' I ask again, demanding.

Music. So I listen closer. Is that? Could that be?

Yes. It is.

It's John Denver and the Muppets singing 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'.

I laugh and feel my eyes mist over as the phone is taken away from the radio and the comforting sound of my friend Jim's voice pops onto the phone. 'They were playing it on the radio and I just HAD to call you.' He says proudly.

I needed that, Jim.

I really did.

I know that almost everyone around me hates my John Denver and the Muppets CD. I have a hard time trying to find words to explain that although I have had my strings to my family cut, it's a long-standing tradition from as far back as I can remember that we played that CD. It isn't Christmas without that CD. It can't be. I'm not sure the first time we played that tape in the car-I think my mother likely bought it at a rest stop as we drove from our house to visit our grandparents for Christmas-we did this every Christmas, we always drove, and it always took days. Driving across country, I have no idea how many times we listened to that tape-enough times so that every word, every nuance of that song is stuck in our heads to this day. As an adult, I saw the CD in Target one day and I bought it, and it has journeyed around the world with me since then.

I tried to play it last night while I was preparing dinner, waiting for Angus to come home. I tried to play it, and even danced around a little bit to it. I bought a sparkly headband with two puffy Santa heads on springs at the top and I wore these, much to the cats' consternation. I thought: I will be ok. Things are getting better, this is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. I tried to find my Muppet groove but then something went wrong, as things have been going wrong, and I turned off the CD at the wall and took off the Santa heads.

Christmas is coming and I don't know where I am going wrong, but I feel a bit lost. I think I spilled my cup of Yuletide cheer all over the carpet and have now poured salt on it, soaking up the stain. It hasn't helped that I have had to schlep my ass across the country today, heading through London and out the northern side of it to get to a meeting. A three hour journey for a full day of aggressive meetings, now there's something to look forward to. Angus got up in the black hours of the morning and headed off to Aachen until Friday, so I will get home late tonight-likely around 8 or 9 pm-to a too-empty and too-quiet house (the house is always so much lonelier without Angus in it). I will make myself Mexican breakfast burritos for dinner and I will curl up on the couch with my cats under the warm glow of the Christmas lights we have up in the house, and I will soak up the rays like a tanning bed, hoping to get the warm amber glow into my eyes, into my pores, into my feelings. I want Christmas. I need Christmas.

Christmas is coming.

I just wish it felt brighter than it does.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:52 PM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
Post contains 1054 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Wow. You sound like a parent. Except for the part about having everything done. I haven't even started WRITING our Cheesy Christmas Newsletter, much less mailing it. And don't even talk to me about shopping...

Posted by: Easy at December 08, 2004 01:21 PM (U89mk)

2 I got back in the 80s called "A Christmas Rock Album" with "CHRISTmas Is The Time To Say I Love You" (Billy Squire), "CHRISTmas Wrapping" (The Waitresses), "Father X-Mas" (The Kinks), "Let It Be CHRISTmas" (Queen), and others. Even though I'm an ardent Christian who hates the commercialization and secularization of CHRISTmas, THAT tape is what puts me in CHRISTmas mode. Maybe you should try to reconnect with your family; they're probably "blue" too. Now THAT would put you in the CHRISTmas spirit!!

Posted by: Solomon at December 08, 2004 01:51 PM (k1sTy)

3 Sorry for the cryptic beginning to my previous comment. I was editing and didn't realize the 1st sentence didn't make sense when I was done. It should have read, "I got a tape back in the 80s..."

Posted by: Solomon at December 08, 2004 01:55 PM (k1sTy)

4 You need to trek out into the woods and cut down your own tree... thats what you need.

Posted by: pylorns at December 08, 2004 02:01 PM (FTYER)

5 H~ Soloman took the words right out of my mouth. I was thinking the same thing. Maybe your missing your family and a connection would lift your Christmas spirit. That's what could be lurking in the dark corners.

Posted by: Tiffani at December 08, 2004 02:03 PM (KE4Gu)

6 John Lennon: So this is Christmas.

Posted by: pylorns at December 08, 2004 02:05 PM (FTYER)

7 It must be something about Christmas this year. Doesn't seem like many people are in the spirit. Maybe you need to start some new traditions of your own. Something special that only you and Angus share.

Posted by: Ice Queen at December 08, 2004 02:08 PM (F6gzK)

8 Aw, Helen, I hope the Christmas spirit finds you soon. I, too, am a little dis-spirited this year. I think it's a no-money/no-gifts thing, and the anticipation of being able to see faces when people open the gifts I've given is the best part for me.

Posted by: scorpy at December 08, 2004 02:12 PM (M1CIV)

9 It happens to everyone. It's all to easy to become a Charlie-In-A-Box and think that Christmas isn't coming for us. It'll happen, Helen. You love this holiday too much to not have it get into your heart. You've got Angus. You've got your kittens. You've got John Denver and the Muppets. That's Christmas, man.

Posted by: Lindsay at December 08, 2004 02:16 PM (srIAp)

10 Charlie-in-a-Box. That's what I need tonight-to watch my DVD about Rudolph and his Island Of Unwanted Toys.

Posted by: Helen at December 08, 2004 02:21 PM (qcoRS)

11 I'm sure I've commented about this before, but I think that John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album is the one thing that can always turn around a bad Christmas for me. I've still got the vinyl (along with almost everything else Muppets), and now it comes down to the fact that I haven't set up my new turntable yet. I do hope that it gets better for you at work, since it does seem that is the thing that's pulling this Christmas down a little for you.

Posted by: amber at December 08, 2004 02:43 PM (/ydz0)

12 We're full of Christmas ennui, here, too. Last night I sipped a mug of cider and looked at the tree and felt very disconnected from it all.... You're not alone. Love,

Posted by: Elizabeth at December 08, 2004 02:44 PM (IICot)

13 I have envy over Amber's vinyl version. That must make it feel just that much more real. *oozes with envy*

Posted by: Helen at December 08, 2004 02:45 PM (qcoRS)

14 i hear ya babe. i've felt totally sad about my family being in texas where it's warm and there's no snow, the lack of christmas cookie making, and the fiber-optic tree in my living room. sometimes the fact that you're supposed to be cheerful shines a light on the fact that you're not. it sounds like you're stressed, missing your family, a bit down in the dumps. give yourself a sweet gift helen. you deserve it. xoxox

Posted by: kat at December 08, 2004 02:56 PM (QkuGS)

15 In the same place over here. Thanksgiving usually kicks my holiday calendar into high gear. Not having a Thanksgiving this year has thrown my whole ... whatever ... out of whack. I'm not feeling it much just yet, either. Although I'm trying. Ever so hard. And I am, of course, applying for charter membership in the I Believe in Santa initiative.

Posted by: Jennifer at December 08, 2004 03:40 PM (jl9h0)

16 I actually enjoy twisted songs from people like Bob Rivers "12 Pains of Christmas" or Red Peter's "Holy Sh*t it's Christmas" If I listen to reg xmas music its "Little Drummer Boy" or "Christmas in Sarajevo" by Tran Siberian Orch

Posted by: drew at December 08, 2004 04:04 PM (CBlhQ)

17 Im the same about xmas tho Ive never really liked it..something about realising all the ones you love are not there is hard to bear.Im always just glad when its all over.My family is in NZ and I have to have 2 xmas! they ring me on their xmas day,then ours is the next day so I have to endure it all over again! its bloody hard and Im really trying not to be down this year..Thanks for all the great posts Helen.You make my day

Posted by: butterflies at December 08, 2004 04:50 PM (sUcgQ)

18 Proof, if more proof were needed, that Jim = good people. I'm assuming it's that Jim, anyway. Sounds like him. Never apologize for love of the Muppets/John Denver CD. We rented the Muppet Movie this week and are wandering around like huge geeks singing "The Rainbow Connection." Christmas is difficult when you're bogged down at work. Giving you the work of three with no increase in competition was cruel.

Posted by: ilyka at December 08, 2004 06:41 PM (Cn+kE)

19 I hear ya. I've certainly had those times. The only suggestion that I have is to buy Terry Pratchett's book Hogfather and read it - it's a good book, and very funny, and skewers Christmas, but in a good way. It's also a book that really speaks to what makes humans what they are.

Posted by: B. Durbin at December 08, 2004 10:12 PM (mSKMG)

20 I totally know what you mean. I am usually giddy like a little kid at Christmas time. For some reason, it just feels like January already. I was out shopping the past weekend and I was all confused by the massive amounts of people that were in the stores. It's didn't dawn on me that these were Christmas shoppers. Hopefully you will be able to enjoy your Muppets and and Santa heads soon.

Posted by: Theresa at December 08, 2004 11:57 PM (ORtG/)

21 I\\\'ve always prefered Thanksgiving to Christmas. When I left for university, that seemed to be THE family holiday everyone paid more attention to. I never really shop for Christmas gifts for anyone here in Korea. However, this year, I kind of wish I *was* doing something with friends, but I just don\\\'t feel in the XMas spirit either. I think I have New Year\\\'s plans, at least.

Posted by: Kate at December 09, 2004 12:52 AM (8c4Q2)

22 It's too early to really be in the Christmas spirit. Wait until next week...it'll hit you. I hope so, since I'm waiting for it to hit *me* too! *taps foot impatiently*

Posted by: Amber at December 09, 2004 02:51 AM (zQE5D)

23 Watch "Love Actually" . It is in there! If that doesn't do it then "Christmas Story" You know the one about the kid and the BBgun.

Posted by: CarolC at December 09, 2004 05:05 AM (EpzrK)

24 I'm not really much of one for Christmas... The family situation when I was growing up made it a fairly blue time of year for me since for the last oh 8 years of his life my father pretty much pretended I didn't exsist (that would be ages 10-1 . HE was the man of the house and always bought the 'one big gift' a kid got. New Bike, Stereo, Computer, whatever. Mom did all the Santa stuff but naturally wasn't the 'OBG' . Now since Christmas is on a weekend for the first time in not long enough.. I am 'GOING TO BE THERE', with four nieces (one or two who I might be related two), My Brother and either his wife or girlfriend (or perhaps both). Mom is great of course, but Stress stress stress... Mostly I'm spreading much of my cheer to a few select folk that seem to need it ...

Posted by: LarryConley at December 09, 2004 06:32 AM (y5h4n)

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