On Saturday something unusual happened.

Something tragic.

It may not have made much news where you are-after all, why would it?-but it made big news here. In our house, Melissa and I were getting a heavy jonesing of Sims. Jeff and Angus were busy working on a puzzle downstairs-Jeff has a mind for logic and memory and he's scarily good at puzzles. Melissa and I had just found out our Sims were pregnant (thereby causing me some worry that people might think I spend all my time trying to knock up Sims, when in truth she and I were both bored just controlling our adults) when a BBC alert popped up.

We signed up for BBC alerts on the web page on both our home pc and our laptops, and from time to time they have good info. Sometimes the little bubble comes in and we get annoyed, as it doesn't have any particular newsworthy interest to us. But sometimes they make sense, like the BBC alert that struggled to come in under the heavy Sims graphics page, and somehow made it.

It was a train derailment near Newbury.

This train derailment struck me as something painful and too close to home. I went downstairs to tell Angus, and then Melissa and I logged off of Sims to check the news.

And there it was-succint, raw data full of holes, data that said "more as soon as we know", but punctuated brief silences in the reports with "at least one dead...300 people on the train....scores wounded...entire train derailed after striking a car..."

The train was the 1735 First Great Western service from London Paddington to Penzance. The first two stops of this train were at Reading and Newbury. I know this, as when we lived in Newbury, I took this train a few times a week. It was a fast, convenient service on a faster and newer model train.

I know exactly what the train is like. If you get there early enough, you'll get a seat. The seats are plush compared to the slow service Thames Link trains, a kind of turquoise color. They are 4 across, with large windows punctuating the ends of the rows. If you don't get there early enough, the seats are filled and those that aren't filled are reserved. You wind up standing in the space between carriages, the joiner space that curves and moves with the track.

The train itself is a cacophony of colors. The front engine is yellow-purple, with the carriages purple with streaks of yellow and pink. There's a picture here, where the BBC discusses how the investigation is now taking a look at the driver of the car, who was apparently parked on the tracks. They wonder if he was trying to commit suicide.

If he was, he took 7 other people with him, including the train driver.

And once again, my heart goes out to the man who felt the only way out of his life was to feel the crunch and violence of a 100 mph train. At the same time, I shake my head in grief and sadness that he didn't know any way out of his grief to not injure others in the meantime. In truth, I don't get furious and outraged at people that kill themselves. Instead, I tend to know where they're coming from, and I know that at that critical "go to" moment they can't think straight.

But that was my train once upon a time, and it feels so strange to see what happened.

That, and I have been having a recurring dream for a bit now. It's more of a snapshot part of my dreams, it's never the core scene that is happening. It varies wildly in how it plays out, but it shares one crucial moment, one moment that is always the same. In the dream I am in a train station in London when it blows up-a searing scorch of twisting metal and shattered glass, hemmed in by a ring of fire and black soot. In my dream, so many elements vary except one-my face whips to the side in slow motion and I am knocked to the ground, my cheeks cut and blistered by raining debris.

Then I get up, dazed, and look around and see where others are.

Melissa showed us this dream dictionary website, and I looked up 'explosion' and read:

To see explosions in your dream, signifies a loss and displeasure in business. It may also mean that your repressed emotions and rage have come to the surface in a forceful and violent manner.

To dream that your face becomes blackened or mutilated by the explosion, signifies that you will be confronted with unjust accusations and may suffer the consequences.

I'm not exactly sure I buy into that-I think that dreams are sometimes relevant, sometimes not. Sometimes they are reflections of your fears and anxieties-for example on Saturday I dreamt I was pulling my grandmother and Jeff through a field of fireballs. They were heavy and I could only save one of them. I let my grandmother's hand go and pulled Jeff to safety. The only meaning I can get out of this dream is that I am going to be burning in hell, especially since I didn't save my grandmother.

So maybe my train station dream is just a fear I have. Maybe deep down I worry it could be another Madrid here. Perhaps I worry that the tranquility and love I have for a life here could be destroyed by something as gruesome and heinous as an explosion.

In the meantime, I am strangely drawn to the news stories about the train crash. I know that train. I think I know the tiny crossing it was derailed at. And there are 300 people that I would like to comfort and erase the details of twisted and screaming metal in their minds.

Maybe someday I'll find a way to erase the details of my dreams in mine.

-H.

PS-exactly three weeks from today, my girls-or perhaps I should start calling them our girls-will be here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:29 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1032 words, total size 6 kb.

1 When we were in england for Jade's wedding there was a train derailment - 10/1999 - I remember then thinking how glad I was that we weren't on that train. We could have been. We'd been getting the train into london to be tourists, but then it was time for us to go home, and we had one last train trip to make, from Birmingham into London, and that was spooky. *hugs*

Posted by: melanie at November 08, 2004 08:57 AM (Hr8ER)

2 It seems like a not infrequent occurance in England that a commuter train derails. I also have the sense that perhaps the intercity rail system is a bit of a miss since the haphazard privitzation. At least that is what my friends over there report.

Posted by: RP at November 08, 2004 11:06 AM (X3Lfs)

3 Hey, even I can find the meaning in your grandmother dream. Read your posts from several weeks ago - I'd say this dream symbolizes the decision you had to make when your mother and the rest of your family wanted you to move home. Maybe you're still working through the decision you made - in essence, choosing Angus, England and his family for your new home and giving up the primacy of your birth family for love. At least you're making the same decision in your dreams!

Posted by: Oda Mae at November 08, 2004 11:49 AM (joRuH)

4 It was big news here. Of course it started like a "possible terrorist atack", between Arafats death and ressurection nº27. But I tend to to suspicious of the news... Miguel.

Posted by: Miguel at November 08, 2004 11:49 AM (neS5Z)

5 I saw that news and immediately thought of you. As for teh dream, it doesnt have to mean that you are going to burn in hell. It could be a value of life judgement- that Jeff needed more time and grandma had a full life. I know I wouldnt be pissed if I had gotten to be at grandmas age and you had to save me or a kid Id scream at you till I did die if you didnt drag the kid to safety.

Posted by: stinkerbell at November 08, 2004 12:29 PM (kV0EF)

6 I saw the news of the derailment and hoped you hadn't changed your schedule. Thank goodness you're all right. I tend to think of dreams as your brain doing a "data dump" at the end of the day. Nevertheless, they can be scary. I'm thinking it is your brain helping you work out your fears. And, finally, because you know, I'm mad sick with the Sims fever myself -- have you had the baby yet!? It's truly astonishing. Then again, it's maybe not so astonishing to someone who wasn't as Sims' addicted as I was to the original game. . .still, I thought it was pretty classy how they handled that little delicate situation. The splitting of the diamond into a little diamond was especially touching. [Dear LAWD, I can't believe I just typed that I thought an RPG was *touching.* Eeep.] Off to conk myself over the head with something so I can sleep. Love youse, xoxo

Posted by: Margi at November 08, 2004 12:36 PM (MAdsZ)

7 I didn't see anything on the news here in the US, but then again, I've been avoiding the news lately. It's frustrating to look at all of those smug assholes gloating on camera. Personally I think that the only one who can interpret the dream is YOU. Dreams are just your mind sorting things out for you. I still don't get the attraction of the Sims. Then again, I'm too busy with MVP Baseball to do anything else.

Posted by: Easy at November 08, 2004 02:10 PM (U89mk)

8 scary stuff. i'm glad you're ok helen. dreams are bizarre. but i believe that books can't tell you what they mean. it's all coming from your head afterall.

Posted by: kat at November 08, 2004 02:16 PM (FhSIP)

9 I thought about you when I read the story last night. So glad you weren't on it! My heart bleeds for the poor policeman who tried to phone in about the car. You just know that man is going to be haunted all his life with "if only" moments. Tragic.

Posted by: ilyka at November 08, 2004 03:20 PM (4gI+b)

10 ----- I tend to think of dreams as your brain doing a "data dump" at the end of the day ----- Woah, Margi, me too. I have the most tedious banal dreams and that's my excuse for it--that it's all the stuff my brain didn't want hanging around anymore.

Posted by: ilyka at November 08, 2004 03:22 PM (4gI+b)

11 I generally have nothing but sympathy for somebody who is so lost he wants to end his life but not when it's like this. That guy is a murderer and I can't find it in myself to feel anything except anger.

Posted by: Jim at November 08, 2004 04:23 PM (tyQ8y)

12 Have heard from Angus-someone we know (that he works with) was on the train, and apparently in hospital as her pelvis was broken. She is a helluva person too-always laughing, always happy. I truly hope she recovers soon and doesn't lose one volt of her spark.

Posted by: Helen at November 08, 2004 05:07 PM (hT/v7)

13 Just a guess, but... your grandmother is the sense of family and security that you had as a child, which you are passing on to Jeff, who represents the family you're building now. The minefeild is your life, and you are leaving your past (you don't need it anymore, grandma wasn't saving you) and saving your future.

Posted by: ember at November 08, 2004 08:16 PM (DSxgk)

14 I thought of you as soon as I heard that news, glad to hear you are safe and so sad for the victims

Posted by: nisi at November 08, 2004 10:05 PM (Nfm+S)

15 Yay for the girls! I'll be counting the days down with you.

Posted by: Snidget at November 09, 2004 02:15 AM (votP0)

16 OMG.. I was totally on that train only two weeks ago! How creepy... and incredibly sad. My thoughts/prayers are with those who were hurt and their families.

Posted by: liz at November 09, 2004 02:31 AM (xDfQA)

17 I worked a 911 truck for many years in my younger days, and learned lessons about suicide early on. I won't go into deep detail here, but to say that every one of us is the captain of his or her own life, and if someone wants to commit suicide, really deep-in-the-heart wants to do it, nothing will stop it. Beyond that, I won't proselytize, except to say it's a shame this person felt no sense that he should have offed himself in a way that didn't jeopardize others. On the other hand, if a person doesn't care about his own life, can we really expect that he'd care about someone else's? Outtahere, --Patrick--

Posted by: Patrick H. at November 14, 2004 09:53 AM (hi5M0)

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