Well, I am sitting here with my second cup of coffee and the shakes like I am in day 2 of detox after a decade of the drink. I had Kafka dreams all night last night about being made redundant again (although I did dream about also getting a yes on the visa), and I haven't heard from Mr. Y since last night, when he was partying away at Carnivale in Aachen (a little town in Germany on the border of Holland) with, among others, one of his exes (I trust him, I really do...but I sure would like to hear from him), so after a quick round of self-relations this morning and before I completely flip out let's talk about something else.
The First.
We all remember the First. And, almost without variation, the First was a terrible experience. Over in seconds, sometimes painful, often messy, usually embarassing.
That's right-I am talking about the first time you had sex.
My first (well, my first with a guy. Come to think of it, my first with a girl was pretty lousy, too. But my second time with a girl...oh my...) was when I was almost 18 (I was a late bloomer. Then when I bloomed, it was like a jungle plant out of control. Fucking Tarzan could swing from my vines, baby.) He was 27 (I have always had a thing for older men). He was also, incidentally, the first, only, and as far as I am concerned last man I have ever been with that was shorter than me.
We had met at a theatre that we had both worked at. He was a bit of an odd-ball, living at home (and had never left, actually), still driving the same car he drove in high school, and a complete fanatic of the music of the early Genesis. He was Italian, swarthy, and he was my First.
We were in the living room of his parents house, late at night. It started off as the bump and grind that occurs over clothing. You know, the guy gets a stiffy and decides the best thing to do is to rub it against you in his jeans.
'Cause that doesn't cause the woman to chafe at all, you know.
Pretty soon it was clear what he wanted. And I knew, anyway, that I needed to be able to check this box off in my head-Done that. Check. Now on to solving world peace. So I shrugged and nodded and pulled my jeans off.
His face lit up like a Roman Candle. Fumbingly, he said the only condom he had was in the glove box of his car, would I mind waiting while he ran out and got it?
He dashed out like a wild puppy and ran back inside with a plastic square. Ripping the package open, he slid it on himself...and it broke within seconds.
The condom, apparently, had been languishing in a remote state of wishful thinking in his glove box for about 6 years. Combine a little ol' thing like an expiration date with a little ol' thing called 100 degree Texas summers, and that condom had as good a chance of working as I would have getting an orgasm out of this experience.
He looked at me stricken. Would I mind if he just went inside a little bit, and he'd pull out when he got close?
And like a thousand other mindless women, I said that was ok. So he eased in and started moving. I felt no pain at all, I had no bleeding at all...in fact, I honestly had that thought in my mind, the one thought that makes men's blood go cold and their willies go colder, the one thought that will stop the action like nothing else can...
About 20 seconds into the whole affair (I am being honest, not uncharitable), he pulled out quickly and let it fly all over his mother's Winter Wheat colored carpet. He blushed wildly and I observed the whole thing rather coldly and clinically.
Box checked. My work here was done.
We later got into a debate-he said I was his Second, I said I was his First. It turns out his idea of a First was when he was making out with a woman 6 years prior (hence the sad and lonely prophylactic in his glove box). However, before he even entered her he popped his cork and made a mess. I said penetration was needed before it counted as sex. He said the presence of the other person made it sex. I said if that was the case, most men lost their virginity in Junior High, but whatever. It's your call.
We stayed together a while, and in fact I even married the guy later on (it seemed like a good idea at the time). This, despite the fact that he refused to go down on women since their parts were "generally unclean", although he would be the first to grab my hair and plunge my head down his way.
We lasted a year. No big loss.
I have yet to meet someone that had a wildly romantic and beautiful first time, with prancing ponies and orgasms galore. I think it's just not meant to be. The First is the ground-breaking ceremony (no pun intended). You start mixing the concrete and laying the foundation the next few times after that. And after some time (and some good partners), over time you will have yourself a fantastic baseball stadium, worthy of the greatest home runs.
-H.
PS-Dear Sam-Regarding your comment about Kim's death: "Yeah, people come and go, what'cha gonna do about it, eh?"
I'm going to ban your sorry ass, you git.
1
A journey of 1,000 orgasms starts with but one fumble.
I think Confucius's little sister said that.
Posted by: Simon at February 20, 2004 09:05 AM (OyeEA)
2
I think my daughter probably got all the trimmings. well... maybe not *all*.. but I think it was memorable in a good, rather than an oh, that was messy, way.
Posted by: melanie at February 20, 2004 09:09 AM (jDC3U)
3
I thought I'd never get even a foundation, but I guess that's what happens when you're in the wrong stadium to begin with, or playing with the wrong team...something like that
You know what I meant.
Posted by: Sue at February 20, 2004 09:11 AM (BhoJH)
4
Confucius' sister would say that-after all, her brother was a hermit!
Mel-your daughter should write up the experience and publish it in a handbook for young men. All the non-fumble experience they can get...
Sue-it's nice to be a switch hitter, isn't it?
Posted by: Helen at February 20, 2004 10:22 AM (dAvno)
5
My first was pretty good. I guess because I'd been eating (and eated ;-) and had known the girl for years there wasn't any panic or nervousness. Plus, she had at least some experience with a previous fella.
Posted by: Jim at February 20, 2004 01:04 PM (saeHM)
6
My first... I didn´t make it to the finish line. I was scared I could hurt her or something. Unlike me, she said she orgasmed. Right, faker. That wasn´t her first or her last lie, but that is all in a distant past. I only remember good things about her, wich is normal, isn´t it? Miguel.
Posted by: msd at February 20, 2004 03:00 PM (wW77H)
7
My first was odd in the way that I didn't even know we were actually having sex. It was followed by weeks of foreplay and when it finally got to that point, I was so into enjoying whatever he did to me that it didn't occur to me that when the penis is inside if me, I am indeed having sex. It took him stopping to tell me we needed a condom to go any further for me to realize "Holy Shit, what do we need a condom for! What exactly have we been doing!" I was such a moron
Posted by: Amynah at February 20, 2004 03:46 PM (tqQaS)
8
My first (I know you're all shocked to hear this) was with the super-model Mrs. Solomon at age 26 on our honeymoon. And it just keeps getting better!!
I recommend that path with the highest level of recommendation you can think of (two thumbs up, five stars, 100%,...).
Posted by: Solomon at February 20, 2004 04:00 PM (t5Pi1)
9
when i have my "first" i'll let you know. i plan to have a big fuckin party.
Posted by: kat at February 20, 2004 04:21 PM (qEQy+)
10
I never bled either. And it was indeed an awkward, awful experience . . . but now I'm wondering how many other women didn't have the blood-stained sheets thing happen either.
I had a virgin once. The most hilarious thing was afterward when he asked me, "um, no offense, but, um, it, um, it gets better from here on out, right?" I cracked up and told him the first time always sucks. I didn't even care that I was admitting it had sucked for him
with me, because I honestly don't know anyone who had a really stellar first time.* I could hardly expect to be the exception to the rule.
*Well, except Mr. Lucky Jim up there. Shut up, Jim. But before you shut up, could you like form a cunnilingus advocacy group to promote the growth and development of this erotic artform among the other (single!) members of your sex?
Posted by: ilyka at February 20, 2004 04:31 PM (PTsag)
11
Dear God my first time was in an Omni. You know... a roller skate with a motor. I was 15 years old and scared shitless. He was 19 and took full advantage of me. What an idiot. I wish I could take it all back. It still haunts me. But I was in looooove.
Oh and by the way good for you kickin' Sam to the curb. What a tasteless, tacky person.
Posted by: Tiffani at February 20, 2004 04:45 PM (xpNFK)
12
With my first girlfriend the sex didn't start out great and quickly leveled off from there. But that girl had a true gift in a golf ball and garden hose kinda way. Just thinking of it brings a tear to my eye.
I married my 2nd timer and I do believe we could have joined the circus! That is until she started auditioning as a solo act. DOH!
Posted by: Paul at February 20, 2004 05:13 PM (bWfDG)
13
Thank god it "got better for here on out", because if it hadn't I would have become a nun. (And thank god I didn't).
My first (I was 16) was painful, but I think it was because I was too tense. Poor guy didn't even get to finish because I couldn't handle the pain. But we were together for 2 years after that, so we we had a little time to get it right.
Cheers Helen
Posted by: Melissa at February 20, 2004 05:25 PM (i9VPc)
14
Well, except Mr. Lucky Jim up there. Shut up, Jim. But before you shut up, could you like form a cunnilingus advocacy group to promote the growth and development of this erotic artform among the other (single!) members of your sex?
Just the single ones? Married gals appreciate a cunning linguist too, ya know. Maybe I'll start HFM (Hubbies For Munching) or PEA (the Pussy Eaters Alliance). Yeah, that's the ticket. ;-)
Posted by: Blog Pimp Daddy at February 20, 2004 05:52 PM (IOwam)
15
My first time was with someone I'd known for years. It was this weird thing - we'd both given and received plenty of oral, but for some reason we'd both always known that the first time was for each other. I didn't even like him that much, but somehow we knew! He came over one night, we did it on my bedroom floor, said, "eh, I guess that's done" and never spoke again.
That's one time a small wang was a good, good thing. Especially because a month later I started dating a guy who should have been a porn star. Enormous wang and knew how to handle it. Too bad neither of them really knew how to munch carpet...
Posted by: Kaetchen at February 20, 2004 06:31 PM (1nMRx)
16
My first time I was 17 and it involved a lot of tears on her part and a bunch of "Are you OK? I'm sorry." on my part. It was her second time ever and I'm sure it didn't help that she was about 4'11" and 90 lbs. I was 5'11" and 160 lbs. at the time. It was the first and only time we did it.
The aftermath of this left me quite timid to be with a girl and girlfriends 2,3 and 4 took advantage of that to teach me everthing they liked. So it came to pass that I now love "eating at the Y".
The very best compliment I have ever recieved came from girlfriend number 4. About 14 years ago she decided that she likes girls more than boys, we hadn't dated for several years so it didn't bother me (to be honest, I told myself once you've had me, where can you go? I know, I know, whatever gets me to bed at night) and we have remained close friends for all that time. She occasionally comes up for vacation and if she's not dating anyone we will end up in bed. Here's the compliment, after an occasion of spending sime time "down south" she let my head go, looked down at me, smiled and said "You eat pussy like a girl." High praise indeed.
Posted by: Brass at February 20, 2004 06:34 PM (SrRJG)
17
Just the single ones?
Well, shoot, if you haven't figured out by now that anything I suggest is designed primarily to benefit that holy trinity known as me, myself, and I . . . .
Posted by: ilyka at February 20, 2004 07:10 PM (PTsag)
18
I like the fact that I've finnally been told I've ruined her for everyone else.
Posted by: pylorns at February 20, 2004 07:16 PM (FTYER)
19
Yup my first sucked. I was the most worthless three minutes in my life. I know this cause I saw it on the digital clock the whole way through.
I had fooled around a lot and thought if this is sex I can do with out, I do better by myself. Thank god it got better
Posted by: stinkerbell at February 20, 2004 07:28 PM (szY/g)
20
Jim, you must start club immediately. I nominate Ilyka as the vice president.
I will handle the marketing
But so far, Brass and Pylorns have it nailed on the good stories. Eats beaver like a woman....well done, Brass.
Posted by: Helen at February 20, 2004 07:41 PM (DpsEW)
21
Goodness gracious Helen and all the rest of you commenters! I love the fact that ya'll are so bold as to describe your 'firsts' online for the world to see. I would love to tell ya'll about mine, but those pesky Southern Baptist repressive demons just won't leave me alone. But, I do live vicariously through all of you. Way to bring 'em out Helen.
Posted by: Marie at February 20, 2004 07:44 PM (PQxWr)
22
Well Marie, if people can't talk about their first here, then where can we all talk about it?
Posted by: Helen at February 20, 2004 07:59 PM (DpsEW)
23
I wrote about my first a while back, so I won't retell it here. However, I agree about the penetration rule. I take it further though.. I had a guy stick it in once, thrust a couple of times and pulled out declaring that he had a guilty conscience and couldn't continue. That doesn't count as far as I'm concerned... penetration or not.
Posted by: emily at February 20, 2004 08:31 PM (2zW8B)
24
First time was straight out of an oldie-but-goodie song:
In a Chevy,
With my High School Sweetheart,
At "Make Out" point,
At our favorite park,
On a Friday Night.
No mess either. In the euphoria of it all, I asked her to marry me that night. A year and a half later, I went away to school, and she stayed home. We grew apart and broke up.
Damn we had fun. And thinking back now, ten years later, we were really in love.
Posted by: AJ at February 20, 2004 09:46 PM (pou21)
25
Now AJ's comment, to me, sounds like the perfect Springsteen song.
Man, that was beautiful (and not said in sarcasm, either).
Posted by: Helen at February 20, 2004 09:48 PM (R9NrF)
26
He came in his pants with a woman and called it sex? Um, yeah.
My first was classic Johnny Huh. My girlfriend at the time, who was a controlling witch and wouldn't have sex with me, dumped me so I picked up her sister and had sex with her in a playground in the wooden castle tower.
That'll teach her for dumping me!
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at February 21, 2004 12:47 AM (AyewP)
27
Bad call with him messing with Kim.
First time I was very nervous and also a late bloomer (1
. The poor girl.
Posted by: drew at February 21, 2004 02:01 AM (K/rfM)
28
Test comment. Test test...
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 21, 2004 04:54 AM (jtW2s)
29
That's better. Broke your blog for a little while there.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 21, 2004 04:55 AM (jtW2s)
30
I think I'm doing pretty damn good for my first to be something hazily remembered through a fog of roofie-induced comatoseness.
Posted by: Courtney at February 21, 2004 05:35 AM (7HzK2)
31
I thought my blog was broken! But thanks for fixing it, Pixy!
Posted by: Helen at February 21, 2004 11:19 AM (GEk9S)
32
Oh wow. My first was at the age of 16. It was intense, and brief. But since I was 16, I recovered quickly. and we had more fun that afternoon. Wish I could still recover that fast. Youth is wasted on the young.*LOL*
But there was quite a twist to the experience that I may be inspired to write about myself. Suffice it to say that I discovered role-playing right from the get-go ;-)
Posted by: Easy at February 21, 2004 04:20 PM (/jvn7)
33
I was another one who wanted to get it over with, and a late bloomer at 18 (is it just all us net geeks or what?!). My problem was that we were both virgins and therefore thought everything would happen like clockwork, when in fact it took us 7 or 8 times to finally score a hole in one. Ahem.
We went out for a year, but it wasn't until I met the next guy that I discovered the joy of an eloquent and cunning linguist. And therafter it has been a prerequisite, seeing as I give as good as I get
.
Posted by: goldie at February 22, 2004 02:19 PM (qaUo/)
34
My first time, we were both eighteen and it sucked. It was painful for both of us (she was tight, insufficiently lubed and had a hymen apparently made from steel). We needed three tries on three different days until I finally burst the damn piece of a mucous membrane! It got better eventually, and we're happily married now.
As for the HFM and/or PEA, can I be treasurer? I mean I really treasure the cunning linguistics with my wife, so I am qualified for the job, right?
Posted by: Gudy at February 22, 2004 10:33 PM (ohzw3)
35
My first was with a married woman! I was 18 had nothing to do during summer before college. I often conversed with my next door neighbor whom I thought was gorgeous in her early 40s. One afternoon she asked me to come over for some lemonade. I really thought it was lemonade! (I was innocent...hey I was only 1
We conversed for a while. She changed the topic to sex. I had my first incredible experience there that afternoon. She also taught me about cunnilingus (for her sake I guess). I don't recall exactly but I was probably down there for about half an hour. The sound of her moaning really excited me.
Posted by: Paul at June 29, 2004 02:13 PM (gQXWs)
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