I got an email recently asking me a question that had actually been on my own mind for a while, so it was with nervous trepidation that I brought it up with Mr. Y-after all, the question pertained to him, and to be honest I didn't know the answer myself. But in bringing up the question, I was possibly bringing up a fight.

We were walking to the grocery store, to pick up some bits to make a big Indian meal with. The weather was shit-chilly, windy, dark grey clouds that would occasionally punch out the air with rain. I had given up on avoiding the bad weather and simply embraced it in my sweatpants and wild mop of curly hair (I do indeed regret cutting it). Mr. Y lit up a cigarette as we walked around the corner.

"So I got this email," I said hesitantly, observing the traffic lights with serious intensity.

"Yes?" he asked, looking over at me.

"Well, someone who reads my blog regularly asked if maybe you didn't like me having a blog. I mean, perhaps I have made it sound that way in my blog unintentionally."

"Do you think I don't like your writing?" he asked.

I had to think about that, moving my feet automatically over the wet pavement. Did he like my writing?

"Well, no." I said. "I don't think my writing is particularly something that you like. And you have said in the recent past that you don't like my blogging."

Which wasn't exactly true, but it's what I took out of the argument. He had phoned me a while ago, after reading my blog, very angry and unhappy. He worried that I would get ideas above my station due to the positive comments in the blog. That I would start to feel too important. That I would have difficulty seperating the truth from the blog, in that I would call myself Helen and call him Mr. Y (ironically, there isn't a single Y in his real name). The fight was quite vicious from both sides-perhaps he was defensive as blogging was something I loved doing and enjoyed and it was something that he didn't understand. I was defensive as blogging for me is a way to clean out my brain of its issues, and if he hates that, then perhaps he likes me mental.

I promised him that I in no way felt important or big-headed or stuck in a fantasy in which my real name is Helen.

I still feel that way.

We have had other fights about blogging. In that I haven't portrayed him in a positive light (one post that had been posted was withdrawn and deleted, in fact), as he felt I was comparing him to some of the men from my past, these men that portrayed the more Neanderthal side of the evolutionary chain. We have had disagreements about what I wrote versus what he interpreted it as. He has asked me that when I write about him to make sure I am very careful and read it properly, making sure that what I wrote is what I meant.

I do understand his perspective-it must be hard to have someone else writing about you. No one writes about my life but me, but I shudder to think how completely fucking crazy I would come across should someone do that. Basically, since he is an enormous part of my life, he comes out in enormous parts in my blog, and he doesn't always get to know that I will be writing about it. So I can understand his perspective.

When I write about him and I glow and vibrate for him, it's because I truly do. He's fantastic and I am mad about him. But he's not a god in my eyes, he makes mistakes just as I make mistakes (although I make more mistakes than he does). And it's sometimes hard for me to be so careful-half the time I wind up editing out whole parts, since I am not sure if he will be angry or not, or if I have worded something clumsily.

"I don't always agree with you," he said as we crossed the street, "but I do read some of what you write and think you're a good writer. And I know that you love to write."

"But you and I have fought about it before, how you don't want me to think I am so important or fantasizing or anything like that."

"I have moderated my view on that, Helen." he said. "I haven't seen any signs of that, so I think it's ok. I do worry that blogging will become an obsession, and I admit I don't understand blogging, but then I know that people have different things that make them happy."

He took my hand, and we did our shopping. Later, we brought up my blog template and Mr. Y is coming up with ideas on how to alter the design, which I am getting a little bit bored of but I am hopeless with. To me, this is a further sign that he is accepting of my little page in a world of pages.

He turned to me, and pointed to my tagline. "Shouldn't we change this to say that you are an Extraordinary girl living in ordinary circumstances?"

I worried that he thought I was feeling self-important again. "No, I'm really completely ordinary. It's my life that's extraordinary."

He looked at me, his face softening. "I think you're extraordinary."

I love you too, Mr. Y.

Don't be angry.

-H.

PS-Brass, have you shipped Luuka? Is she gone forever?

PPS-My hotmail account is giving up its will to live, so I have taken out an email address from my broadband provider. To reach me from now on, you can email me at everydaystranger (at) btconnect (dot) com.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:17 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 988 words, total size 5 kb.

1 that's so nice I think we're all ordinary, but it's in knowing that someone else thinks we're extraordinary that we become so

Posted by: melanie at May 04, 2004 10:05 AM (jDC3U)

2 After reading that there isn't going to be any arguments any more. And now I know why you didn't get my last email.

Posted by: Simon at May 04, 2004 10:39 AM (FUPxT)

3 I think one of the most extraordinary gestures of love that one can give to another is to accept them completely, totally and wholly as they are. Addicted to blogging or whatever. BTW, as angry as I have been at your Mr. Y for perceived slights against you, I have to agree; you are an extraordinary woman and it makes me happy that he recognizes it. Love, Em

Posted by: Emma at May 04, 2004 12:20 PM (kpNlZ)

4 That was lovely. I actually told my wife last night that I had put up a blog. I wasn't sure how she would react -- but she was actually excited for me. I'm glad that Mr. Y is supporting you. I think it would be awfully hard if he didn't, considering how personal your blog is. By the way, I think your blog is beautiful.

Posted by: Random Penseur at May 04, 2004 12:27 PM (LlPKh)

5 My blog is private from nearly everyone in the 'real' world, and I plan to keep it that way. I cringe when I go back and read things I've written, but I'm trying to make it a rule never to change them -- other than some typos/spelling errors. Language is such a slippery thing. It's really not always a good tool for communicating. So I'm not sure if I got the correct meaning from this: "He worried that I would get ideas above my station due to the positive comments in the blog. That I would start to feel too important." Those two sentences made me stop short, and I had to re-read them several times before I could continue. Alarm bells began ringing in my head. Perhaps it's the american in me, but that sounds a little bit controlling, and pre-abusive. Or it may be that I'm way off base. Please think about those sentences very carefully.

Posted by: Easy at May 04, 2004 01:13 PM (oQKRL)

6 Posted this with yesterday entry by accident: I understand where you are coming from. It is the attempt to mesh together two areas of your life that are important to you. On what hand you have your journal and the freedom it provides you and on the other hand you have the love of the man you are with and a very very happy life together. When they both can co-exist together then you feel complete. But if you cant have both and choice one over the other you may end up with resentment towards the one you did pick. Quick Question: Does Mr. Y like to write? Prehaps he can from time to time "guest post" on your blog. That way he can be a part of it as well.

Posted by: Drew at May 04, 2004 01:58 PM (CBlhQ)

7 Drew, I think Mr. Y would rather have his fingernails removed forcibly before he would want to write. That said, he has done a few times, and I think he writes very well.

Posted by: Helen at May 04, 2004 02:02 PM (5TSkU)

8 Mr Y just passed my test of a mate. I am delighted that although he doesn't understand blogging, but does know that it is an important part of your life. An Helen, you are extraordinary!

Posted by: Marie at May 04, 2004 02:10 PM (PQxWr)

9 That's great, Helen. It can't be easy to have half of your relationship exposed. Mr.Y is a trooper. By the way, you can use Mumail if you'd like. Maybe set up a Helen@everydaystranger.mu.nu or something like that. Buzz me if you're interested.

Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2004 02:27 PM (IOwam)

10 I think that's wonderful. He sounds as though he really is very much in love with who you are, not as though he's loving what his impression of you is. You are extraordinary, and if you're anything like me your blog is part of you now. I'm glad he's able to accept the whole you - blog and all. For what it's worth, when you wrote: "He worried that I would get ideas above my station due to the positive comments in the blog. That I would start to feel too important." I interpreted that kind of like a warning for an actor who's played a particular role (with a script) for so long that they begin to believe they are capable of living that role without the script. Sort of like telling embellished stories so well and so often that you begin to believe they are true. It's good to be reassured and helped to see your value, it's not good to get a distorted view of your own real proportion. I think you write as though you have a very good head on your shoulders and know full well how to keep yourself out of the pit of despair. If that's just a front for a loony chick with delusions of grandeur then you're doing very very well. Very brave of you to discuss it with him, though. Really - what if he had said he hated it and wasn't sure it wouldn't come down to "him or it"?

Posted by: Lisa at May 04, 2004 02:47 PM (uxfbz)

11 KW knows my URL and he respects the fact that I don't want him to read it and he doesn't. By the same token, I respect the fact that he would rather I not talk about him in my blog. Yes, he's terribly important to me, but just because I feel comfortable sharing my life, doesn't mean I'm entitled to take the same liberties with his. I know Mr. Y is important to you, but if this online journal is damaging to your relationship, perhaps it's better to take your concerns with him to pen and paper and keep it hidden away from everyone, including him?

Posted by: emily at May 04, 2004 03:22 PM (GpAPK)

12 Emily and Lisa-I don't think it's damaging my relationship, I just think maybe it's one of those teething issues-when you have something new, you go through teething pains. This may be one of them. He found my via this blog, and only a few others know of it in my real life (and I want to keep it that way). If it came down to him or the blog? I would stop writing about him here. It sucks to say that I would have to do it, and I would not be at all happy about it since this is my space and my thoughts-and since he is a major part of my life he's a major part of my thoughts-but it would have to be done. He's made it clear he won't ask me to do that. Let's hope it never comes to that-I can just imagine the row that one would be...

Posted by: Helen at May 04, 2004 03:51 PM (5TSkU)

13 Wasn't this blog how you reconnected? It will always take your disgression of when and what to write about for sure. A part of blogging. There is also that strong possiblity of more people you know discovering it; quite a few blogs point the way:-) Mr Y. Just wait till she write her first book. You'll be proud and she will still be Helen and the person you know.

Posted by: Roger at May 04, 2004 04:06 PM (8S2fE)

14 One has to follow their own heart... you can only make so many exceptions for the "love of your life" until one day you realize that you are not yourself anymore, and that you have become one very unhappy person.

Posted by: Annette at May 04, 2004 04:14 PM (q8qPq)

15 Amen Annette -- when you make so many concessions for them, that you aren't yourself anymore -- that is when it is too much -- and then you end up hurting the next one that you are with, because you are either 'taking back' everything of your own, and not paying *any* attention to them, or you are being mega-trans-ultra-super-hyper critical of everything they do so that you aren't conceding anything .. Still, any relationship is about compromise, it's when you both make them that you know the relationship is working -- or, "just as holes dictate their patches, complementary handicaps make perfect matches" Tioraidh! Kylan

Posted by: Kylan at May 04, 2004 04:30 PM (d18ri)

16 Ohhhhhhh I don't know where to start. I haven't even finished reading it all and I'm seething. Um, maybe I should finish reading it first. Yeah, I'll do that. But one note: He was certainly in favor of you having a blog when it provided him a means to renew contact with you, didn't he?

Posted by: ilyka at May 04, 2004 04:39 PM (abwLl)

17 my bf knows about my blog and reads it on occasion. he also thinks blogging is slightly bonkers, but he knows that i thorougly enjoy it, so he leaves it at that. we all have our quirks and we all have our ways of expressing...those we love may not completely understand, but they'll be supportive. that's what matters. it is hard to have a space like this when you feel you have to edit, but just keep being you. i think as long as you and mr. y are communicating openly everything will be fine. xoxoxo

Posted by: kat at May 04, 2004 05:25 PM (qEQy+)

18 I can see how it could be difficult for Mr Y with you often writing about personal aspects of your relationship with him on here and him possibly feeling that he's got no "right of reply" or opportunity to present his version of events if you aren't entirely complementary. However, from what you've told us (or rather haven't) he doesn't seem to have a problem with you writing about the good things, so maybe he's got to learn to cope with the bad appearing every once in a while. The situation's complicated by the fact that although there's a degree of anonymity to all of this, Mr Y found you through your blog and maybe he has concerns that other people in your lives may come across the site in a similar way and read things he'd rather they didn't. I'm just randomly hypothesising there. Bottom line, it sounds like he knows how important blogging here is to you and is being as supportive as he can be right now over something he doesn't really get. Here's hoping it never becomes an issue between the pair of you.

Posted by: Gareth at May 04, 2004 06:29 PM (NHA9E)

19 Helen....sigh. I'm just not going to be one of your readers who came away from this post with a warm, fuzzy feeling. Too many things in this I read that got my hackles up and by the time I was done, I was TICKED! The entire point of your blog, from my understanding, was to release thoughts from your head, to unclutter your mind, to be a form of therapy for you. How the HELL can you do that if you are constantly editing yourself and worrying about what someone is going to think of it? Boo-hoo, Mr Y isn't always portrayed in a positive light. He can either learn something from that...understand how things affect you or he can quit fricken reading your site altogether if he can't handle the fact that he is not perfect and that you realize that. OH! OY VEY! That's another thing..you wrote: "But he's not a god in my eyes, he makes mistakes just as I make mistakes (although I make more mistakes than he does)." That bit inside the paranthesis makes me want to tear the fricken walls down with my bare hands. You started out so well, keeping yourself on an equal plane, where a relationship SHOULD BE...and then you ended it by giving him all the power AGAIN! Then there was this: "He worried that I would get ideas above my station due to the positive comments in the blog. That I would start to feel too important." OH. MY. G-D! Above your station? Are we back in the 17 and 1800s where the good little wifey keeps her head down, never talks back and knows where "her station" is? Someone else earlier in comments pointed this out and stated it was the beginnings of a controlled and possibly abusive relationship. Helen...hate me forever if you must but I have to call it as I see it: This man is a control freak....and you LET him control you. As time goes on, it's a little more, a little more, a little more. If you could take a step back and then re-read this post through the eyes of someone else...pretend you are reading a very dear friend's writing..this writing..maybe your eyes will see what I see...and apparently, some others are seeing. No matter what you may think of me now for being harsh...I just give a damn about you. The love of your life doesn't want you to feel too important......really think about that statement. Ciao

Posted by: Serenity at May 04, 2004 07:16 PM (3g7Ch)

20 Helen - While I'm thrilled for your happiness with Life #6 so far, the tone of your blog HAS changed. You're blogging about more innocuous topics, being cautious, whether consciously or not. Perhaps it's just that you are happier than you have been in a long time, so there aren't as many angst-driven topics to speculate about anymore. If so, I'm happy for you, but I do miss the poetic, insightful tone of some of your previous posts. But no matter what the topic, you are a gifted writer! Don't give it up!!

Posted by: Camino at May 05, 2004 02:29 AM (FNZk7)

21 Okay, I read it all the way through this time, and I guess I'm like, what Serenity said. Then again, what do I know about dom/sub relationships? For all I know this is just standard operating procedure. Buuuuuuuut personally I don't much like it. And it does look to the casual observer like you've gone from jealous controlling temper-tantrumiffic Swedish freak to insecure controlling subtly-sabotaging English freak.

Posted by: ilyka at May 05, 2004 04:27 AM (abwLl)

22 As you know, I'm going through somewhat of the same situation as you at the moment with J finding my blog. I never, ever intended to share it with him, because it's mine and I don't want to have to censor myself, as I'll have to if I don't change to a new site. J is not Mr. Y, by any means, and he'll never understand why I feel the need to do it. Our relationship is very different from yours. It's just a big waste of time to him, and he thinks I'm strange. I do agree, I didn't much like that "above your station" bit, and I agree that in Mr. Y's case, he wouldn't have found you if it weren't for your blog, but really, we do have a responsibility, if we really care about someone, to be mindful of their feelings and not do something we know hurts them, if we want to have any kind of healthy relationship. Not that I have or know much about a healthy relationship, personally. All in all, I think that as long as Mr. Y knows how much you love blogging, even if he doesn't understand it, and he sees how much of a wonderful writer you are, and how your readers love you..to the point of being angry at him when he hurts you, you should continue to write as you feel, and try to find a balance between being true to you, and not trampling all over his feelings and his privacy too much. And Mr. Y just needs to understand, as does J, that if he reads something in your blog he doesn't like, it's pretty much too bad because it's your blog and your feelings and thoughts written here, and if he's concerned about how he looks to people, he should think about how he behaves so you won't have any reason to say anything but glowing raves about him.

Posted by: JaxVenus at May 05, 2004 05:20 AM (j0X+N)

23 I have to agree with Serenity et al. here. D/s relationships are perfectly OK, and I guess that what you have with Mr. Y has at least some aspects of D/s, but there's just something about what you're writing here that doesn't sound good at all. Take care.

Posted by: Gudy at May 05, 2004 12:14 PM (DxH+g)

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