I've always believed that there should be space in togetherness. Space, which is quickly quickened and shortened by the ability of a person to reach out across thousands of miles and touch and caress you without even knowing that they are doing so. A gap helps show you the emotional equivalent of what kind of house you live in-a chintz-covered sofa one or a put your feet on the coffee table one? I know who you are...I know who we are....so who am I when you're not around?

I spent some time with me in the evenings. Just with me. And once upon a time I hated the sight of myself, I hated the earthy stretch of my skin and the RAM and ROM whirring of my memory, I wanted to find new and inventive ways of torturing the corporeal and the inner. But after my time alone, I now have started to think that I am content inside of the cleanly swept floors of my mind. I can set myself up with a book and a rocking chair and not spend time full of self-loathing...I can just breathe.

Isn't it amazing? After 30 years, it takes being with someone to teach me how to be with myself. And that's a gift that keeps on giving.

I did all the things I had planned. Watch chick flicks? Check! Get drunk on white wine while (fantasizing) watching Colin Firth? Check! Dance on the coffee table in my tank top and boxer shorts? Check!

This is not to say that I didn't miss Mr. Y terribly and eagerly await his return, because I absolutely did. I think-if anything-his being away has shown me just who we are as a couple. It helped me figure out who I was. And it reillustrated how he felt about me-while he was away Mr. Y sent me a number of text messages, nearly all of them including how much he loved and missed me.

All that, and he vows he is not good talking about his feelings.

He came home on Saturday night, and I was one million miles of excitement. I had prepared a gourmet meal-mini stilton and spinach souffles as appetizers and green and white lasagne as a main course. I had bought champagne-pink champagne, just to up the sicky factor-and some a nice bottle of red to have with dinner. Unable to hold still with anticipation, I had cleaned the house to the nth degree and checked his flight status on the web constantly. I was so eager to see him and so anxious to hold him that I was like a little girl wondering when the tooth fairy would finally show up.

And he came home.

And he didn't disappoint me.

He was feeling a bit sad, but better I think for being back. He had been in Sweden packing his belongings from his former house, and I know myself how hard and how depressing it is to disentangle oneself from a life that you no longer life. I look at our hardwood floors, our wide windows and thick walls of the house. Is this home for you? I ask, with a whisper and hitch of hope in my voice, and it is only then that I realize how important to me that he thinks and feels it is.

He smiles at me. "Yes. I'm home now."

And just like that, our family is born.

We sit on the couch, the candles lit, and talk. Then we don't talk, but instead keep our hands on each other and watch The Dish (we're both big fans of The Castle. The Dish was good, just not as good.)

At some point my thighs start going higher and higher on his leg, and I smile secretively when it makes him tremble and garners a reaction in his trousers. We smiles and takes my hand. "Shall we go upstairs and interfere with each other?" he asks, and grinning we head upstairs.

I follow him up our narrow staircase, and I think...This relationship is so stable, so incredibly good. I have never in my life felt more grown-up and yet more wild about someone. All those years, all those heartbreaks. Maybe it was all just practice, and since I had such a crap batting average, I have had to spend more time in the Minors before being drafted up, to the real stadium, with real seats and real lights.

Once in bed we spend some time investigating each others' bodies, touching and tracing to see if anything changed while we were apart. I knew every curve and every shadow of him. We felt and touched and did it all, and it was exactly as I knew and missed it.

I lay on top of him once done. "Rotate." he said, our cue for sleeping positions, and I turn over on my left with him spooning me from behind, his knees behind mine, our bodies still warm.

"Do you love me?" I ask.
"I love you." he replies.
"Do you have the hearts and ponies for me?" I ask, referring to our code word for passion ("passion" is a little too soap opera, even for us).
"I do."
"How much do you love me?" I ask.
He sighs, thinking. "My love for you is like the Yangtze River."
"What...Chinese?" I ask.
"No. What's the long one? Oh yes. The Nile. My love for you is like the Nile."
I grin. "Tell me."
"The Nile is fed by three rivers. The White Nile, is like my love for you, so pure and clean. The Blue Nile, is like my love for you, so loyal and so true."
I smile.
"And the Nile's shallow, rancid out-pourings are like your ass-"
I shriek and try to tickle him. "You blew it!" I exclaim, giggling.

I'm so glad to have him home.

-H.

PS-We have decided on a name change. No longer will my beloved boyfriend, my partner and lover, be called Mr. Y.

Everyone? Meet Angus.
Angus? This is Everyone.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:34 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1015 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Helen-You deserve all the hearts and ponies in the world...not to mention your 2 little kitties...isn't it almost time for their arrival?? Ah, and yes, self discovery...its a wonderful thing!

Posted by: shannon at October 05, 2004 09:16 AM (idC2F)

2 LOL! Hi Angus

Posted by: melanie at October 05, 2004 10:56 AM (jDC3U)

3 Hi Angus...Yup, that is way better than My Y. (who I kept reading as Mr why not)

Posted by: nisi at October 05, 2004 11:58 AM (wyeJW)

4 Welcome, Angus. Thank you for making Helen so happy and for helping her figure out that she is loved and comfortable with that and with herself.

Posted by: RP at October 05, 2004 12:23 PM (LlPKh)

5 cant... doo.. it... still... Y.... like a secret agent...

Posted by: pylorns at October 05, 2004 01:08 PM (FTYER)

6 Welcome Angus!!! And as Curator asked - he doesn't by chance play a guitar and wear a school boy uniform does he???

Posted by: Clancy at October 05, 2004 01:28 PM (EGVPL)

7 teehee, i love how he asked if you wanted to go "interfere" with eachother. :-) sometimes i think that all the rough stuff in our lives is put in place so that we can really appreciate when the good comes along.

Posted by: kat at October 05, 2004 02:12 PM (FhSIP)

8 Hello Angus, I wish you and Helen many many hearts and ponies. coming home is a wonderful thing, especially if you're already there. (cryptic perhaps but that's what came out of my head and I'll leave it.)

Posted by: martha at October 05, 2004 02:13 PM (5HJ2h)

9 Hi Angus!! (waving up and down) I hope you and Helen have all the years of the Nile together, too - full of hearts and ponies (of course) What a wonderful homecoming... *sigh*

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 05, 2004 04:08 PM (sCupo)

10 Hey Angus! Finally got a proper name, ah? Man, that must feel good! Glad to meet ya!!!

Posted by: Mick at October 05, 2004 05:38 PM (VhRca)

11 Look! I'm double-posting in your comments! Bad rabid fan, bad! Bad! But I forgot to add - LOVE the Kihail Gibran reference. Elizabeth VP of the M.A.S.

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 05, 2004 05:40 PM (sCupo)

12 Helen and Angus. Yep, they work.:-)

Posted by: Roger at October 05, 2004 07:59 PM (8S2fE)

13 Helen, your victory feels so much like I imagine mine will, and I congratulate you on it. You speak so eloquently of all the behind-the-scenes workings of my life, I wonder at how we are actually two totally different people. And Angus, Sir, welcome, and welcome home. Thank you for helping Helen along her journey. She is beautiful to behold when she is happy.

Posted by: scorpy at October 05, 2004 08:29 PM (i2btc)

14 I'm thinking of Aberdeen Angus -> Beefcake.. It all fits now. Welcome Home Helen... Enjoy your time here.

Posted by: sasoozie at October 05, 2004 11:57 PM (ZsOIS)

15 Lovely...

Posted by: Jennifer at October 06, 2004 02:47 AM (vSro2)

16 Aww... keep the hearts and ponies. Such a wonderful thing.

Posted by: Snidget at October 06, 2004 03:04 AM (votP0)

17 Angus? As in prime beef? ;-)

Posted by: Jim at October 06, 2004 04:21 AM (GCA5m)

18 You're lucky, he could've been using the Nile analogy with blog instead. Now that would have been an insult. Hi Angus. Interesting that if he can't find the "G" he becomes "Anus". Gee, I wonder if that will beat the spam blocker.

Posted by: simon at October 06, 2004 08:07 AM (GWTmv)

19 Yep, looks like it got through.

Posted by: Simon at October 06, 2004 08:07 AM (GWTmv)

20 Did you realise that in his first comment on yor blog (way back when) he left his real e-mail address which identified him as Angus back then? Heeee...

Posted by: zeno at October 06, 2004 09:17 AM (wdcH9)

21 H, I noticed the same thing zeno did a long time ago. I've always wanted to reference the Buddy Hackett semen-related punchline "That's Angus my dear!" but didn't want to blow his cover. Nice to meet you, sir.

Posted by: Paul at October 06, 2004 02:05 PM (xdj7o)

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