Sometimes I get upset about things beyond my control. TV shows, for example, can wind me up like nobody's business. A TV show was on this week in England about a man who was on a train and witnessed a woman being seriously harrassed by two men on the train. She looked to him for help, but he didn't come to her aid, and when his stop came, he got off the train and went home.

And once he'd left, the woman was raped on the train.

Now, this was just a TV show, but you can see how it would happen. How often have we witnessed fights happening but didn't get involved? Seen women smack their kids and not say anything?

I for one get involved, I cannot stand people being pushed around. The TV show made me viciously angry, I was wringing my hands, hating the TV show, hating that a man would walk away from a woman who may be in peril, angry that there are men that attack women.

I understand the human need to "not get involved". No one likes to interfere, and no one likes it when they are interfered with. But at the same time, I think we have a social responsibility to get involved. Now, this does not equate to me thinking that we should invade countries that we interpret as needing it. What I am talking about is the basic level, the human level, the interaction of helping out one person who may need you.

I never thought I would be in that situation myself.

Tuesday on the Thames Link train to Newbury from London, I was very tired and busied myself reading the paper and struggling to stay awake. On the seat next to me was a young girl, perhaps about 9 or so, and her older sister, perhaps 14 years old, sat across from her. Their loot was spread out on the table in front of us-they had been to the Gap, Boots, and a whole host of those under-16 type clothing stores whose bubblegum pop blares out onto the sidewalk whenever the door of the store swings open.

A man got on the train and sat next to the 14 year old. He was probably in his late 40's, carrying a backpack, and looking tired himself. The two girls were excitedly going through their purchases of the day, the look of young animation that goes with shopping when you're young, with a handful of cash and no obligations to pay the money back. The 14 year old pulled out a bottle of Cover Girl liquid foundation.

"What's that?" asked the man curiously.
"It's foundation." replied the teen, smiling.
"You don't need that. You're already very pretty."

I looked up over my paper. The teen smiled winningly back, accepting the compliment. The young girl just looked at the two of them, possibly annoyed that their treasure recon mission of goodies had been interrupted.

"How much was it?" asked the man.
"About 5 pounds." replied the teen, shrugging.
"I'm so glad I'm a man." replied the man. "I would hate to be a young girl like you."

The teen smiled back, and turned back to her sister. Something in the transaction was bothering me, but I didn't know what. It had echoes in my head of something that could be unpleasant, but then again maybe I am too sensitive, I can't recognize kindness, or that I am horribly paranoid, so perhaps it was nothing. Sensitivies from that tv show. My past.

But still.

The teen took out a plastic sack filled with tank tops in bright colors reminiscent of parasols on the beach, summer tops that hinted of warm shoulders and suntans. The girls chattered animatedly about what to wear them with.

The man spoke. "How much were those, then?" he asked.
The teen took the tag of one in her pink sparkly fingernail polished hand. "14 pounds." she replied.
He nodded. "I'll bet you'll look real pretty in that."
The teen smiled less winningly this time, no teeth showing, looking down, accepting the compliment. The little girl looked confused and wary, not wanting to engage the man in talks, not sure what to do or where to go, not wanting to talk.

And that coment got to me. I dropped the paper so that he could see me watching him. He looked at me, uneasy with me watching him. He kept his eyes on the girls the rest of the time. I kept my eyes on him. The girls kept their eyes on the table.

As my stop approached, I was glad to see that they were getting off, too. Otherwise, I quite honestly would have asked them if they wanted to sit in the front of the train, in the empty car. Maybe I would've ridden the train longer. I'm not sure, all I know is I couldn't have left them there, not after that tv show, not with the weird feelings I was having about the whole transaction. As I stood, they hurriedly stood with me, and we all walked to the exit before the train pulled into the station.

The little girl looked up at me, brown eyes liquid and cheeks pink. "Can I press the button?" she asked, referring to the lit-up button on the panel that opened the doors at the station.

I looked at her, excited and young, and tried to remember when, or if, I ever felt that way, that young and innocent and naive. I knew in that moment that I never wanted any man to come in and make her feel weird again. I could kill anyone that tried to hurt her, this complete stranger to me, this youthful fresh thing that would be broken by life in her own time, but should never be robbed of it early.

"Sure, sweetheart." I said. And when we pulled into the station her chubby hand proudly opened the door, the finger with the little crescent of dirt under the short nail firmly pushing the lit button, and the three of us stepped out of the train and onto the chilly platform.

-H.

PS-Happy Easter! Nothing from me until Tuesday, when we are back from Scotland.

PPS-I am meeting Mr. Y's father and stepmother today for lunch. Tranquilizers all round!

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:43 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 1065 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I was all set to go after this: I for one get involved, And to be snarky, and to ask, "All-ways?" Because I can name you three--no, four--no, seven times in the last week when I've said, "Ah, to hell with it, let someone else handle that." But what you've talked about here is serious. And I've done it: Given people that look that says, "I'm watching you. I'm paying attention. And if you keep on the way I think you're going, don't think I won't dial the cops, scream for help, or yell 'Fire!' in a crowded theater." You write so well. I hope you don't think I'm going overboard saying it, but Christ, you really do. I knew exactly what you were talking about. And I owe part of that feeling of I-can't-just-sit-back-and-do-nothing to a guy who accosted an ugly ex-boyfriend of mine outside a grocery store one day. He kept asking me, are you all right? Do you need help? You don't need to put up with this. You really don't. He didn't need to do any of that. He could have let it all slide by, and at the time, I'd have preferred he did. I just didn't want to be part of a scene in public. But he never left my mind and I never stopped being thankful that someone took two minutes out of his day to say, no, bullshit, this is all wrong, and I'm going to say so and see if I can do something to fix it. Well, enough. You don't need no tranquilizers for Mr. Y's relatives, girl. You just go on being your own bad self.

Posted by: ilyka at April 09, 2004 09:05 AM (v5kmU)

2 Well, look at us three girls, here. All Munivians. Whoda thunk it, huh? I agree with Ilyka -- you write so well that I was right there with you. And bravo to you for caring for that little girl. I tried to remember if I was ever that young, that fresh, that wholesome -- but it was too damned long ago. Enjoy Scotland while I'm writhing around in my jealousy. As for the In-Laws? You'll smile that beautiful smile; how could they NOT love you? Psh. No worries.

Posted by: Emma at April 09, 2004 09:11 AM (kpNlZ)

3 you will be fine, you dont need tranquilizers. breathe they will love you and if they dont something is wrong with THEM. enjoy Scotland, really I am getting quite jealous of life #6!

Posted by: stinkerbell at April 09, 2004 09:19 AM (lkCj7)

4 Having three young daughters of my own, I am thankful there are people like you in the world. I hope that if they are ever in uncomfortable circumstances, like what you described, that someone would step up. I certainly would! I agree, also, that you'll do fine with the In-laws. I'm sure of it.

Posted by: Sue at April 09, 2004 09:24 AM (AaBEz)

5 I personally have never been tested further than stopping the police to report something. I have a friend who you could label a hero. The funny part is you probably couldn't find a less likely hero if you tried. He is self centered, boisterous, typical entertainment type, but in the last 10 years or so I have seen him jump from a helicopter to save a lady in a car during a flood, and run into a burning helicopter to save the pilot. The difference I think, is when in those situations where most of us would stop and think, he just see's something that needs to be done, and without thinking just does it. At times I wonder if its a virtue, or a flaw. There are two people alive today that would choose the former Helen, once again, your ability to capture, not only the moment, but the feeling, while presenting an idea is nothing short of amazing. Thank you

Posted by: Dane at April 09, 2004 09:40 AM (ncyv4)

6 Yesterday coming from work, I noticed a dropped bag next to a ATM machine. Apparently someone forgot it when they used the thing to get money or whatever. In a numb and selfish way, I looked away and continued to walk home, tired and feeling sad. But I couldn´t sleep until 2 or 3 a.m. because I kept thinking I could have helped someone. Also, with the terrorist threat paranoia around here, I´m surprised no one caled the bomb squad. Another big issue here also is paedophilia, major public figures are arrested and waiting trial on a huge law action. Considering my two lovely nieces, I suppose I do pay more attention to those situations(like the one on the train). The in-laws will love you. Love them and give them a chance to love you back... Miguel.

Posted by: msd at April 09, 2004 11:45 AM (bV4GK)

7 Shame on their parents for letting a 9 and 14 year old be in a dangerous spot like a subway without supervision. It's sad that we have to assume the guy was a pervert. He might have just been a nice, fatherly type; but we can't (and I'm glad you didn't) assume that to be true. With regard to intervening, an immature person does what they feel; a mature person does what is right. Actually, that applies to just about everything. I'd want someone to help me if I was those girls, and Jesus said, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the Prophets." As Terry Tate (office linebacker) said on the Reebok commercial, "That ain't new baby!!"

Posted by: Solomon at April 09, 2004 01:44 PM (t5Pi1)

8 My daughter is about to turn 9. She would have wanted to push that button too. Knowing there are people out there who will do what you did takes away on small grain of my worries for the future. The truly sad thing is that despite my desire to want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to want to think maybe he's just being friendly - maybe he has young daughters of his own that he loves and these girls just brought some of that out, I found myself hoping you kicked him in the balls on the way off the train.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 09, 2004 01:47 PM (4819r)

9 Have you ever heard of Kitty Genovese? (sp?) In the fifties, I think it was, she was stabbed multiple times over a hour or two hour period in the street outside her home. The guy left and came back three times. She was killed, eventually, and the police interviewed her neighbors and every one of them heard it. No less than 30 people, we're talking about, and not one of them so much as called the police. The reasons were mostly lame-o versions of that 'don't want to get involved' tripe. But in any event, not one single person helped. To be honest, I've done it. In big ways and small ones. It weighs on me sometimes. If I see something like that again, I hope I'll do better.

Posted by: Allison at April 09, 2004 02:36 PM (YmC5g)

10 the only time i've had to get involved was when i saw a man hit another with a brick in the face about 3 feet away from me. the gushing blood was enough to make me run and call an ambulance. i would've stuck around for those girls too. your description of that guy was way too familiar. i wish someone had been watching out for me the way you were watching out for them.

Posted by: kat at April 09, 2004 02:53 PM (FhSIP)

11 I say always go with your instincts. If I am in a situation in which I feel uneasy, I get out of there fast. I firmly believe that these gut feelings have saved me from several potentially dangerous situations. I applaud you for watching out for those girls. Obviously they were feeling uncomfortable as well. We were blessed with these instincts for a reason. We should use them more often.

Posted by: Andrea at April 09, 2004 02:58 PM (strQe)

12 I hope someone like you is there if my daughters are ever in a situation like that. Whether or not I get involved can be highly situational. As a general rule I believe in helping the innocent, or my neighbor. Anything that occurs on my street gets my immediate attention. One day I saw a man that I knew was a registered sex offender & pedophile walking down my street. I immediately confronted him, and told hime very bluntly what I'd do to him if I saw him on my street again. Haven't seen him since. However, when the drunk down the street was chasing shithead gang-banger son with a machete, I just called 911, and stood by to watch the show. If he'd been chasing the younger son, I'd have tried to step in, but the older one is a real asshole, and so are his friends. So I'm a believer in getting involved. Actually, it's my job. Easy PS-Thanks for the link!!

Posted by: Easy at April 09, 2004 03:10 PM (t3Fe6)

13 H, The same thing just happened to me the other day! My son turned 6 on Wednesday so he, my daughter, and I went to a nearby park to tryout his new boomerang frisbee. There was a lawn maintenence truck sitting in the lot when we got there and a workman sitting on a picnic table watching kids play tag. I first thought he was just another dad with his kids at the park. While my kids were going out of there way to park my son's new frisbee in every tree they could find I kept watching/listening this guy. After 15-20 minutes I noticed not one of the kids really seemed to belong to him. Not only that he had singled out the oldest girl playing tag and had started chatting her up. When I heard him ask her, "So, how old are you?" The girl innocently told him she was in 8th grade and was proud that she would be a freshman in high school next year. I didn't hear his response so much as the way he said it. Very creepy. I felt like choking the shit out of the guy. My daughter then made an attempt at the frisbee throwing high-altitude record and it landed within 10 feet of the guy. I walked over to pick it up and said to the man "You need to watch out, if you're not careful we're liable to take your head off." Luckily the kids decided to start playing on the slides on the other side of the park and it would have been more than conspicuous if he wandered over with them. He climbed into his truck about five minutes later and drove off. There were 20+ kids playing in this park and other than myself there wasn't an adult in sight. I felt guilty leaving without a changing of the guard. I pass this park every day coming home from work. You can bet I'll notice that red truck if it comes back. Happy Easter, little flame. I hope you and Y have a great time in Scotland this weekend!

Posted by: Paul at April 09, 2004 03:14 PM (bWfDG)

14 I agree wholeheartedly. It's not a social obligation to get involved but yes it is anyway. It's the right thing to do. And if you misread the situation and somebody who wasn't dangerous gets hurt feelings then so what? That's nothing compared to the alternative. Ilyka has a fantastic write up on this subject at her old place. I'll see if I can find it. Have a great time in Scotland!

Posted by: Jim at April 09, 2004 04:13 PM (IOwam)

15 there have been some interesting studies done on the phenomenon of "not getting involved." some have found that if only one person makes a move to help, everyone else in the area will join in. it's odd - part of it may come from not trusting one's instincts, but there is a strange paralysis...denial? what? after the madrid bombing it was revealed that, before the explosions, people on the trains saw abandoned backpacks and just didn't act on whatever suspicions they might have had. there is that odd unwillingness to do something about what might happen....

Posted by: erin at April 09, 2004 04:13 PM (1KL5M)

16 Here it is! Street Smarts It's one of those must read types.

Posted by: Jim at April 09, 2004 04:15 PM (IOwam)

17 H~ You've inspired me to write something similar to this on my blog. Thanks for the compliment by the way. That means alot. Happy Easter, Sweetie.

Posted by: Tiffani at April 09, 2004 04:15 PM (xpNFK)

18 I'm the Queen of Always Get Involved. Hell, I'm raising my boyfriend's niece, simply because her mother is incompetent. I'm the sort of person that walks up to women who are smacking their kids and reminds them that leaving bruises is legally child abuse. (I've done that more times than I can remember.) I'm also the sort of person that will bluntly tell a 12/13/14/15 year old if the top they're wearing will attract attention they're not comfortable with. In the situation on the train, I would have inserted myself into the conversation, and made a pointed comment about the dangers of young girls meeting random men on the train - and I've done that in the mall or on the bus. Hell, I probably would have told the girls to not go out again by themselves, or insist upon an older escort. When said niece's 12 yr old best friend threw a tempertantrum last night and refused to get into the car after dinner, walking away across the parking lot towards a busy intersection, I told her that if I couldn't guarantee her safety, then I was sending her home - and did, calling her mother to come get her. I'll tell people that a child's behavior is suggestive of sexual abuse (and I've never been wrong) and I always hold the door for the elderly. I write people real letters when I hear they're feeling down, or when they need some emotional support. Oh, and I *always* call the state police when I see someone's car broken down on the side of the road. The one thing I don't do is pick up hitchhikers - but my brother and father do. (I wouldn't want to mess with them, either. The interesting thing is that almost without question the people with whom I interact are a) grateful and b) want to stay in touch. Apparently people who care enough to open their mouth are rare.

Posted by: Courtney at April 09, 2004 05:19 PM (QcBWB)

19 This almost happened recently in NYC. A mentally ill man pushed a woman off the subway platform onto the tracks, and she couldn't pull herself back up onto the platform as the train was pulling into the station. A few dozen people just stood and watched, no one offering to help her. Finally, a man pushed his way through the crowd and pulled her up in the nick of time. Personally, I can't fathom just sitting there. I would do something.

Posted by: the girl at April 09, 2004 06:29 PM (IglhY)

20 I'll try to get involved more. You write so vividly, I felt like I was in the train with you. Happy Easter to you as well. Hope everything goes your way. Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at April 09, 2004 07:38 PM (zy2B1)

21 You read a scene well H and I think the guy knew it. I think you did good by not over galvanizing the situation for the girls. erin, you give an interesting description of the "not getting involved." phenomenon. Some of it may be partially because of the fear of litigation. Instinctively in a split second I grabbed a child once; a few feet from the curb running straight thru the gap between two sidewalk benches. I could feel the wind from a passing car while regaining my balance after making a scooping catch. The parents were coming out of a restaurant and as they caught up the Mom was frowning at me saying "He was only going to the bench." I think she was being defensive about letting the child run ahead of them. I didn't stay to argue but the child was just old enough that running pell-mell was a great new sport and gave me the impression the fast approaching curb was no boundary and sitting on a bench was the last thing on his mind. The situation I see, Courtney, is that most 12/13/14/15 year old girls are quite comfortable with attracting attention to themselves as they begin to experiment. I understand your effort but as soon as your back is turned many will mouth the word 'bitch'. Maybe in a few years they'll remember what you told them and appreciate it then.

Posted by: Roger at April 09, 2004 08:36 PM (8S2fE)

22 I am so proud of you! I have 4 grown daughters and 1 daughter-in-law (Kitty Says) and I know they would react in the same manner you did. And that is heart-warming to us of the older generation. While I am not one to espout moralism, this is one case where we all have a moral obligation to protect our children from others and from themselves. Know the in-laws will find you as enchanting as all of us. Have a great weekend.

Posted by: greyheadedstranger at April 09, 2004 10:51 PM (AiWU/)

23 I was walking into a grocery store one rainy day and a very old lady with a walker slipped on the wet pavement. Her walker slid away and she ended up flat on her back, with the rain falling on her. She obviously couldn't get up and was in a lot of pain. There were maybe 10 or 12 people next to her, and no one - not one of them - stopped. Most of them turned their heads and pretended they hadn't seen it and couldn't hear her cries (three feet away). And I'll never forget...one person actually STEPPED OVER HER and hurried to their Mercedes. I had run to her as soon as she fell, and the store manager came out pretty quickly. Her clothes were soaked through and covered in mud from the pavement. She was crying from pain and embarrassment. It was awful. She ended up being ok, but I went home and cried because people can be so sucky. When I was little a teacher told me that sympathy and empathy are two things that can change the world...I didn't understand it then but I do now.

Posted by: Lesley at April 10, 2004 12:02 AM (yQGoT)

24 Im one of those *get involved ppl*..I have formed a neighbourhood watch in our apt complex in Oklahoma cos there wasnt one(and Im from New zealand)and have told all the kids that they can come to me with any problems they have.And they do.I am a teen councellor so I know what kids go through.I have knocked on ppls car windows when I see they are strapped in but their kids are NOT...I have intervened in fights between 2 grown men because they were frightening the kids,I have told a manager at a resturant that she was rude cos of the way she was treating her staff...I poke my nose in anywhere I see an injustice happening and I dont care what happens.I always speak in a calm tone and try to diffuse any situation ...I was also sexually abused as a child. I think you did the right thing Helen ...intuition is a great thing.

Posted by: butterflies at April 10, 2004 03:30 AM (karT6)

25 Your most recent post and your post from two posts back about the holocaust reminded me of Milgram's classic research see for example http://www.theecologist.org/archive_article.html?article=427&category=74 I suppose that the tendency of people to fail to come to an individual's aid may be related to the tendency of individuals to obey to the point of intentionally injuring or killing others. Two sides of the same coin? Anyway, that guy on the train definitely sounded creepy. If your instincts say something's wrong chances are it is. Good on you for interfering! And thanks for sharing such thought provoking essays!

Posted by: Steve P at April 10, 2004 11:06 AM (+5Rhz)

26 The scenario is thought provoking. I have recently found that the line between being friendly and making someone uncomfortable can be quite gray and blurry, and much depends upon the point of view of the actual perceiver of the event. However, I am also a firm believer that the innocence and safety of our children, and yes, 13/14/15/16-year-olds are still children despite their belief otherwise, must be protected and that allows a lot of leeway for making bad assumptions and hunches. Unless I misread the scenario, the man did not threaten, touch, or otherwise do harm to the young ladies. The threat that his actions were less than honorable was sufficient for the action that you took and I too am thankful that the girls were getting off at your stop so that you were not put to the decision of having to pass your stop to continue your self-appointed role as their guardian. On the off-chance that he was just a friendly man whose actions were misunderstood, I am pleased that you did not kick him in the gonads as was suggested previously. There is also that thought that we all have a responsibility to care for and come to the aid of others. That is part of the sense of responsibility I think we all need to regain as members of a civilized society. However, sometimes getting involved is a likewise sticky situation, because when is it right to substitute your way of doing things with the parent's right to raise their own children as they see fit. Abuse is one thing, but a case in point. I once had a young step child who was sitting on the lower rack of the grocery cart lay his hand on the floor in front of the wheels of that cart as I was pushing it through the store. His fingers got run over and he began to cry. I, of course, examined his fingers which were not badly injured and said to him, "Now wasn't that a stupid thing to do?" Some woman overheard that and jumped right into my face and said, "You shouldn't ever tell a child he is stupid." I wanted to deck that lady for jumping into a situation she did not understand. I had never told that child he was stupid, but had only told him he had done a stupid thing. There is a big difference between the two and the child fully understood the point I had made and was looking at the silly woman like she was stupid. The lady had made a valid point, just made an invalid assumption and came out looking like the proverbial ass. Take your stands people, and stand up for those who need your help, but also be alert, attentive, and objective. Don't substitute your beliefs and values for those of others without justification. Be responsible parents, citizens and neighbors and maybe we can return to a time when children can safely ride bikes up and down streets without vermin stalking them.

Posted by: Tiger at April 12, 2004 01:36 AM (G5PGV)

27 I heard of a study where a professor had 3 groups of students. He told each group to finish a test & get it to his office by a specific time; anyone late would fail the exam...no excuses!! The 1st group had ample time, the 2nd group had just enough time, and the 3rd group was extremely pressed for time. The professor had someone pretending to be seriously injured (bleeding and in agony) at the entrance to his building. Many students in the 1st group stopped to help, a few from the 2nd group helped, and none (not one) from the 3rd group stopped. Lack of time forces us to ignore those in need. Being so hurried all the time robs us of the ability to even notice others in need or to help them if we do notice, because we don't have time to stop and help. We can't be selfless, loving, and compassionate (which most of us want to be) if we don't have time to be. I've heard it called the hurry-up sickness, and it truly diminishes our capacity to live and love. This even applies to family life: if I'm in such a hurry to get to the tv to watch my favorite show, I may ignore my daughters who want daddy to sing them to sleep. Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your lives!! I have, and it's liberating.

Posted by: Solomon at April 12, 2004 02:19 PM (t5Pi1)

28 This thing still on? Answer is nothing. Unless he actually laid a hand on them then I would just kept an eye on him

Posted by: drew at April 12, 2004 07:39 PM (CBlhQ)

29 It's people like you that prevent perverts like this guy doing their worst. And that makes you far better than the 95% of people that would just let it slide. Hope Scotland was good.

Posted by: Simon at April 13, 2004 07:06 AM (GWTmv)

30 your blog is always interesting unlike mine...... take care. Wetwired Owns You!

Posted by: magik at April 13, 2004 07:28 PM (jWugo)

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