Although I am happy with Life #6, it doesn't mean it's without its angst. I just have a harder time talking about it.
I am happier with my life now, I really am. The key part of that is Mr. Y, and the way I feel about him. I also love my Dream Job and I am so proud of myself for surviving. But sometimes I am down. I just feel it's maybe going to be determined to be a reflection on Mr. Y or my situation or Dream Job that I am down, as opposed to me simply being a little bit screwed up (which it is).
There are some mornings after a rough night or after arguing, that I stand on the train platform and look up at the thick girders above. It is invariably freezing outside and the sun simply doesn't want to meet up with me, and I stand there feeling more tired that I ever have. Just while standing there, I can actually feel my eyes sink back further into my head, the puffy aching spots beneath them looking purple and bruised with bad sleep, and I could close my eyes and sleep, I could close my eyes and scream, I could close my eyes and slide down onto my knees on the platform and just cry.
Who the fuck am I.
Sometimes the fights we have change me. Three weeks ago after an incredible row, I found myself greatly altered. I no longer wanted anything. I no longer had an opinion. I had lost my attitude, my sass, my sense of what I want. I just didn't want anything out of fear of getting in trouble for it. If I could just refrain from having opinions, refrain from telling you what I want, then we wouldn't have to fight. I could avoid bursts that come out of nowhere and deflate me like a plastic bag no longer floating along in the wind. It's passed now, things have been solved, I do want things and I do say them, but I find that I still quiver with apologies and cave when once I would have been indignant. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love this life, making dinners, reading books, taking walks, occupying the same space, waking up next to you. But I am not sure if it will make a difference if I say it.
And I don't know if I am behaving like a normal person should, if my emotions and reactions are the acceptable human reactions. I don't know this since I don't understand emotions, I don't understand what the appropriate responses are, I don't even understand myself. Am I over-reacting or am I ok? Am I real or am I not even in the room with myself? Am I so crazy, or it is possible that I am just a little bit bruised? Mr. Y told one of my family members in a way that I found so tender and so protective, that I am really very small inside, and I could cry with how true he is, and how right that was.
The bitter and tangled wires that go between me and the other side of the Atlantic, cables and fibres that should keep me close to my family, have instead become too gummed up with the seaweed of egos and past hurts. Both sides are armed with their hurts, and both sides are not budging. Some of those cables are holding. A few of them have been cut completely. And even though there are times when I want to put my fist through a plate glass window out of frustration, even with help from Mr. Y and his urgance to fix things, perhaps the only cure is time.
I went to my meeting at Company X. There I was the customer's customer-I was the customer of Company X, and the customer of the Dream Job unit that had accompanied me. Company X people-in the office that I had been to a number of times-bring me coffee. They bring me water. They pitch me a sales pitch using slides I had once created or used myself in presentations when I called myself a Company X soldier. They tell me about a product and I made one correction to their pitch. We agree to work together and they are working on further ideas for us. I will meet them in two weeks again. I am the customer, but I go into this building and find my hands are shaking, and the hot desks and cubicles no longer look like gossip chambers but forgeign places to me, places that I am not welcome in except out of courtesy. My ID has been deleted from Company X's directory, and I no longer care.
Sometimes when I split out of myself, when I become the girl watching the other girl in the mirror, the split is worse than ever. I step out of myself and instead of watching myself in a TV show or movie, completely taken out of myself and out of my emotions, I find lately that sometimes I can no longer even see myself. It's like I have been presented with myself as a movie, but the real me is either so bored or so disgusted or so apathetic that I stop watching the movie and go in search of a good book to read.
I have this trampoline love, this love that when I am bouncing and going up is the most exhiliarating and joyous love that I have ever found. It is the light of my life, this insignificant time and space that I take up and call my own and want to decorate with paper mache garlands of how much one person means to me. It is higher than high, more thrilling and regenerative than anything I have ever known. But the way down when we argue is dark, the fights affect me more than the fights in any other relationship I have ever had affected me. And I find that I am sliding down and taking myself with me, finding the bounce on the way down to be so dark that all I can do is flex my toes against the taut fabric and wait and hope and yearn for the storm to pass and the exhiliaration to come back. All I need is the bounce.
The bounce is coming.
It's coming.
Wait for it.
-H.
1
I so know those feelings. scary.
but we do bounce.
Posted by: melanie at May 05, 2004 11:26 AM (jDC3U)
Posted by: Dictator Meg at May 05, 2004 11:46 AM (8f531)
3
Helen you can't expect to go through all the things you've been through in the last two years, (not to mention all of the problems you had before that that were dragging along for the ride) without having issues now.
And you need to confront those before you can get past them. (Which I know you are getting therapy for), so why did you think just because you were with Mr. Y now and in a new place and in a new job that you were going to be deliriously happy all the time? You still have those issues, and I'm not sure that being with Mr. Y is making any of those better, maybe before you moved in with him, you should have lived alone and gotten your own problems taken care of before you took on the problems of being two. If he loves you he'd have been thrilled that that was what you were doing to make it better for the both of you.
I guess I'm just wondering if you are not trying to make him responsible for YOUR happiness, which is unfair, and unrealistic. You have to be happy with yourself before you have any real room for a real relationship, and if not, then you expect things from the other person that they cannot possibly provide. Self confidence, happiness, and security come from within, not without.
Trust the feelings you are having, they are trying to tell you something.......
Posted by: Donna at May 05, 2004 12:25 PM (okCaK)
4
*sending along some tigger juice*
xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at May 05, 2004 12:41 PM (FhSIP)
5
i'm all too familiar with the dark places of argument. no advice, though. i just know it's very unhealthy to be affected that way.
Posted by: hetty at May 05, 2004 12:47 PM (zyqdt)
6
You have a right to your feelings, no matter how anyone else may perceive them. And I have to agree with a previous comment that you simply canNOT go through all of the life-upheavals you have done recently and NOT have some backlash, some pensiveness, some melancholy.
You're a survivor. You're stronger than you think you are.
Posted by: Emma at May 05, 2004 12:48 PM (kpNlZ)
7
I know just how you feel about walking into a place that was home, and feeling like an outsider. It's very hard.
Posted by: Easy at May 05, 2004 01:29 PM (oQKRL)
8
You know, you may be sleep deprived. My kids' pediatrician told my wife, shortly after the birth of our second child, that sleep deprivation presents the same symptoms as severe depression. I think that anyone who reads what you just wrote, and who has small kids who are up 2-3 times a night, has experienced what you have even without the extreme cultural dislocations and changes you have. Please, give yourself a break. Get some sleep and don't be so hard on yourself -- you made some huge changes and that took/takes a lot of courage. Backlash is inevitable. Don't try to answer any of these very good questions you are answering until you are a little more rested. Also, don't discount that depressive effect that English weather can have on a sunny soul like yourself. Hope this helps, Helen.
Posted by: Random Penseur at May 05, 2004 01:58 PM (LlPKh)
9
Yes, you're right. The bounce is coming. Knowing that is what keeps us all going.
Posted by: Amynah at May 05, 2004 02:14 PM (tqQaS)
10
Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!
We are our actions. If one has a very gentle heart but never shows it and instead tortures little puppies, he's a puppy torturer. If I say I love my children madly but then beat them daily, am I a loving dad or a child abuser?
The old saying "Actions speak louder than words" is so true. Who do your actions say you are? The good news is, if you don't like the way your actions portray (or betray) you, you can change them.
Posted by: Solomon at May 05, 2004 03:10 PM (t5Pi1)
11
I concur with and appreciate Donna's observation, Helen. What you are experiencing is *Life* -- which can be many things, but is *always* messy. Somewhere in our formative years, we get the erroneous idea that at some point out there, it'll all smooth out and be 'easy'. Wrong. Life is a series of problems to be solved. You resolve one, another presents itself. A successful (happy?) life is not about *avoiding* the problems -- it's about facing them (hopefully, one at a time), searching and finding your own internal answers, recognizing your strengths (and weaknesses), and keeping on keeping on. It doesn't happen in a flash. It doesn't pivot on a specific person in your life. It's not a straight line. It's messy!
There is NO brass ring. It's *always* going to be dynamic, kinetic and challenging. It is not lost on some of us (old enough to be your mother) that most of the lives you've enumerated in your adult years are defined by the man you were in a relationship with at the time. It appears that there has never been a 'haitus' from the goal of connecting with a lover? I know how compelling that drive is -- but when you let that control your life, you will be taken down some bumpy and dangerous roads. And miss the opportunity to develop trust in your own internal wisdom.
In the short space of the last 3 seasons -- less than a year -- you've lost a job, found a past lover, found a new job, left a husband, moved in with lover. Nowhere in that process did you create 'space' to coast for a while . . . attending to the work-in-progress that is Helen, taking a time out to regroup and repair and rebuild. It's like trying to change a tire while going 70 mph down a freeway. At some point, someone's gonna get hurt.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to do the 'work' that needed to be done between those events. No one else can do it for you. It is not Mr Y's work to do. It isn't even your family's work to do. There is only *one* person you can trust to be there when everything is crashing down around your head -- yourself. That's who you need to learn to rely upon. That's who you need to nurture, care for, accept warts and all. The love of a thousand Mr Y's will not fix what's not right in your life. "Peace" isn't something given to you by another -- it's the fallout from your personal journey. Asking yourself the hard questions. Facing how YOU sabotage your own happiness. Choosing to try a different way of being. Accepting that you're not, and never will be, perfect. Understanding that you are in the driver's seat and being willing to put in the time and effort to find a road that makes your life meaningful and mostly happy, in spite of your imperfections and the inevitable disappointments you will encounter at the hands of others.
It's hard to accept that 'happiness' is not our birthright after all -- that we're going to have to work hard for it -- that no one will hand it to us on a silver platter. We *all* struggle and rail against how unfair life is. But it is what it is. You are a gifted and bright woman. You have all the answers within you. The hard part now is being brave enough to ask the questions and entertain 'answers' that may put you outside your comfort zone.
Sorry for the ramble. I know this journey. I have the advantage of years and reflection -- and I'm still learning. You will have that too, Helen. Just be sure you put your faith in the person who'll take you there -- yourself.
You can do this.
Posted by: Annie at May 05, 2004 04:23 PM (GsjEB)
12
H,
I know *exactly* what you mean. Being with le Coq is the brightest part of my sometimes utterly fucking dim life. But on the rare occasions when we're at odds...I lose myself. My guess is that we freak to such an extent because both of us are forming our new lives (#6 for you, uncounted as yet for me) around these loves. What happens if the lynchpin gets pulled?
That being said, look at what we've survived! Look at how many times we've bounced!
Posted by: Kaetchen at May 05, 2004 04:34 PM (1nMRx)
13
"But the way down when we argue is dark, the fights affect me more than the fights in any other relationship I have ever had affected me."
Its going to be that way because you want more than ever for this to work out, so everything will effect you more this time than before.
Posted by: pylorns at May 05, 2004 05:18 PM (FTYER)
14
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. "
I spend all my life waiting for the bounce. Even when I AM bouncing, I'm always waiting for the next one...
Posted by: Rebecca at May 05, 2004 05:35 PM (ZHfdF)
15
What I said yesterday!
Posted by: Annette at May 05, 2004 05:53 PM (/SQvi)
16
I know who you are. You're my friend.
And I have a trampoline you can use any time you want.
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2004 06:33 PM (IOwam)
17
You talking to any professionals about that splitting?
Posted by: Courtney at May 05, 2004 07:31 PM (1Gy7B)
18
I know this blog is about you Helen but WOW! What Annie said is........right. on. target.
Annie...hell I needed to read that! I have actually cut and pasted that comment into a Word document for me to refer to when I get frustrated.
One of the things I really agree with Annie about, Helen, because I've learned this by doing it, is to live on my own, be self sufficient, independent and I gained a LOT of strength that way. A LOT!
I truly believe that every single female should live by herself for AT LEAST one year if not longer. You would be absolutely amazed at how much you learn about yourself when you have no one else to rely on for anything. You rely on yourself to get things done and you rely on yourself to make yourself happy.
Relationships are fabulous and I would love to have one...but I wasn't ready for one before now. I had to learn how NOT to be dependent on someone else for how I felt at any given moment before I would allow myself to even think about getting involved with someone else.
I know you read this on my site but I'm going to put it out there again...and don't beat yourself up if you don't "do it right" every single waking moment. You're HUMAN!
"Never expect anything from anybody."
Everything you need for your happiness is inside you Helen. I hope you have or will have a good therapist soon because you do need help finding it and learning how to use it.
But, as was said, you are not going to find that from someone else....only yourself.
Annie...again...that was amazing advice.
Ciao
Posted by: Serenity at May 05, 2004 07:42 PM (3g7Ch)
19
I truly believe that every single female should live by herself for AT LEAST one year if not longer. You would be absolutely amazed at how much you learn about yourself when you have no one else to rely on for anything. You rely on yourself to get things done and you rely on yourself to make yourself happy.
Hi! My real name is _______; my pseudonym is Ilyka; my primary job is medical transcription; and my secondary job is echoing Serenity loudly and often.
I wanted to ask if you had thought of getting a place of your own. I don't know what the housing situation is like where you are, and I do imagine it's costlier than most cities, but amiga, it's worth considering.
One of the friends I first made when I moved to Texas was a woman who, like me, was about two years status post The Horrible Awful Breakup With the Abusive Significant Other. Her situation was worse than mine--she'd married the creep. He ruined her credit. She had no bank account, no savings, and two wee children. Still, we each knew what it was like to literally have it beat into you that you're nothing, you're worthless, you fuck everything up, you don't deserve love, you don't deserve anything but the worst. And we both knew what it was like to try to get past that.
But I remember in particular one conversation we had. We were talking about how we used to be, how we were convinced we could not live without these imbeciles, and I don't remember which of us asked it, but one of us said to the other, "Did you ever think, back then, that you could be so happy without him? Did you have any idea how much better it is? Even with the occasional lonely nights and frustration?" And the other of us said if there was one thing we wished we could do, it was go back in time and tell our frightened, cowering selves how MUCH better it was. How exponentially better it was. Yes, even when you weren't sure you could pay the rent on your own, even when you realized you were starting over, even when you indulged in self-pity about what a sorry case of "damaged goods" you were--the worst nights of being single were better than the best nights of being with a bastard.
I know this isn't your case and you're not dealing with an abusive guy. But there is something tremendous you gain from having a place of your own that's difficult to describe to someone who's never experienced it. And I think that especially if your sense of identity and self is a bit amorphous, slippery, hard to define (which being abused certainly did to me for a time) . . . then it becomes that much
more important that you get your own space. If nothing else it at least forms a geographic boundary. It gives you a starting point: "I am so-and-so of 10 Downing Street. That is my name on the lease. These walls are my borders. This is my space. We do things my way here."
Anyway. Holler long and loud at me if I'm being a Joshua (btw, I owe you a you-were-right-and-I-was-wrong on that guy). It's done out of genuine affection, but loving motives don't excuse everything. If they did I'd have to start actually forgiving entire branches of my family, and we can't have that.
Posted by: ilyka at May 05, 2004 10:35 PM (t0ajr)
20
I think I should go gay for Annie, Serenity, and Ilyka.
Seriously.
But if you had the three of us in one room, we'd be playing "I'm Every Woman" round the clock.
I have lived alone, actually, for long periods of time in my life (well, on reflection-one time was about a year, and another time was about 2 years. Is that long?)
I know I can't count on anyone to MAKE me happy, that (I am embarrassed to admit, the stupid, sappy self-help books here are right)-it's up to me to be happy.
And that, I am afraid, is a seriously bigger task.
Someone commented here that I get self-destructive when things go well. They are right-but then I do that when things are going wrong, too.
Mr. Y is a bit controlling, and we talked about it. It's a bit of a circus when you have a guy who's a bit controlling paired with a girl who's over-sensitive.
It's got film starring Meryl Streep written all over it.
Complete with the accents.
Posted by: Helen at May 05, 2004 11:03 PM (crPaD)
21
PS-Serenity, Annie, Donna, Anette, Ilyka, Gudy, and others whose comments have had secret lines of "don't be angry with me" running beneath them-don't be worried. In the comments, you have the right to say what you think-although I may or may not take heed
Don't be angry.
Posted by: Helen at May 05, 2004 11:05 PM (crPaD)
22
But if you had the three of us in one room, we'd be playing "I'm Every Woman" round the clock.
This is payback for the "Saving All My Love for You" thing, isn't it?
Paybacks are such a bitch.
Posted by: ilyka at May 06, 2004 12:48 AM (t0ajr)
23
Yes, I agree.... Annie said it very well! And Helen, thank you, dear one, for your comment. My comments may seem brash (and usually they are)... you know, it's like "yawn" been there done that... and I have to tell you, I have a daughter who turned 39 a month ago... so, lots of water under the bridge. And I suppose that there's no way to impart knowledge in these situations... a person has to experience it for themselves, and make their own decisions. But, damn, it's so tempting to give advice, and it's so "sad" to see someone wrestle with these issues, when the answers seem obvious. : ) Hey, keep your chin up, and a smile on your face. Tell yourself that you are very special, because you are.
Posted by: Annette at May 06, 2004 02:59 AM (FGrN0)
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