Last night I joined the bourgeois of the world, I decided to bite the bullet and actually take a very large step. I crossed over the border from territory I am comfortable with to territory I am not....

I tried to make some friends.

I am utter rubbish at making friends, and I am even worse at keeping them. Anyone who wants to be my friend knows that I am flaky at best but that I always come back around. Often, I just plain forget to call people or write people or generally keep in touch, but I always remember the holidays and if a friend ever needed me I would be there like the peanut in the yellow M&M. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand-these are people that I love and that love me. And every single one of them lives in another country, too far away to ever ask, my toes pointing inward and my heart pointing down, if maybe they could come with me and have a drink, maybe we can talk?

So I invited 3 of my former neighbors (from across the street) to my house last night for dinner and for a book club.

That's right.

I've joined the masses.

My three neighbors brought along another nice woman from Belgium whom I've met before and whom I think is a riot. Three of us had read the book, two of us didn't, but it didn't matter-I thought we should take a chance to have a chick evening and run with it. It was a meal and a book-I made bruschetta and pesto-spinach lasagne. The Belgian brought a homemade chocolate mousse and another woman Billie brought a creamy strawberry pie. I lit a fire in the fireplace, lit the candles around the kitchen and living room, and uncorked the wine.

And we talked.

And we laughed.

And we did discuss the book, The Time Traveller's Wife, and I was amazed to see the different interpretation of the book that we all had. Astonishingly, I had the most cynical and pessimistic interpretation of the ending. We discussed parts we liked and parts we didn't, and unbelievably, it was really interesting to talk to the women about these things.

As we opened bottle after bottle we also talked about our lives. Of the 5 women at my dining room table I found out that every single one of us feels responsible or is responsible for breaking up the previous marriage of the man that is now our partner. Every last one of us is on a second or third marriage, and only two of the women have had children, all of whom are fully grown.

And it was so easy. We all talked and laughed and shared things about our life. We never stopped for want of conversation, and we covered it all-politics, money (and good God did I feel horribly guilty when I realized I make almost 3 times what they make), work, cooking, our favorite books. It was so easy to talk to them, and I didn't lie or make myself anything or anyone different, I didn't play any parts-I just tried to tell them the truth. I had been so nervous and apprehensive before they came, I am so terrible at trying to connect with people.

The talk kept going and at one point the two women who did read the book, Lila and Billie, turned to me, as the other two talked about their adult children.

"Helen." Billie said in a low voice. "How did you feel about the whole child issue in the book?"

I took a sip of wine and tucked my knee up against the tablecloth strewn with the detritus of the meal. "I understood it. I completely related to her desperate need to have a child, to keep trying no matter what the personal cost to herself. I know what that's like."

Lila leaned forward. "Me too." she whispered, looking at me and hoping the other two wouldn't hear.

Billie nodded too, and looked at me, a tiny smile on her face. I looked back at the two of them and decided that I no longer needed the parachute I had strapped to my back. I didn't need it, as I wasn't going to fall.

"I've had two rounds of IVF before." I said quietly. "I know."

"I've had five." Billie whispered. "I know as well."

"I've had a few, too." Lila said with a rueful smile.

We looked at each other with a sad understanding smile, women from different backgrounds and with different lives, and we found out that when you get a group of women together, there are always ones who just can't get that blue line on a pregnancy test, there are ones whose arms ache for a baby and who have to avoid the Living Channel during the entire daytime running hours, until the back to back Baby Miracle shows conclude. Sitting across the table, suddenly three of us knew what it was like to be in the others' shoes, and suddenly we knew we had someone we could talk about it with.

And just like that, we all held hands and jumped off the cliff.

"We're thinking we're going to try again in late spring." I said, laying all my cards face-up on the table.

"Lila and I are both maybe too old to try anymore." Billie said sadly. "So you...you'll be our hope, ok?"

And when the women left, they left as my friends, with a new book date set and drunken smiles all around.

-H.

PS-we leave tomorrow! Melissa and Jeff arrive this afternoon and then we are off until March 11. We are taking two new airlines that none of us have ever been on before. We are taking this airline to Los Angeles, where we will spend two days in Southern California. Then we get on this airline, as we fly to Oahu for 8 days and will stay in my father's condo in Hawaii.

I can hardly wait.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:18 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1030 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Bon voyage, mon ami! Wave when you fly over Baltimoremoremore, okay?

Posted by: redsaid at February 26, 2005 09:54 AM (RKOmW)

2 I'm so glad that you are making friends and that you don't have to feel so alone with the IVF now. I'm glad someone else is there to hold your hand. Have a wonderful trip! Psst, go see the Getty if you have the chance in LA.

Posted by: RP at February 26, 2005 11:16 AM (X3Lfs)

3 have a great trip!

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 26, 2005 02:54 PM (h1SG2)

4 Have a great time. You totally deserve it. (p.s. even if you are flaky, I'd still totally be your friend. )

Posted by: sporty at February 26, 2005 04:36 PM (c2MUY)

5 Very cool that you are playing well with the other kids Helen, now if we could just get you to stop running with scissors... =) Hope you have a blast in Paradise, and I hope Hawaii, hehe

Posted by: Dane at February 26, 2005 09:40 PM (ncyv4)

6 Safe travels and happy times! Get a lei for me!

Posted by: Jim at February 27, 2005 01:11 AM (MDLz3)

7 Enjoy your holiday!

Posted by: Jessica at February 27, 2005 05:07 AM (63H/Q)

8 Women need girlfriends. Period. When I was working at my first job, I was the only woman who got pregnant on my own, no medical help. EVERY other woman was doing IVF. There was a drug shortage, so as one woman would come off her cycle, she would bring her cooler to work, and there would be drug swaps in the hallway. There were no less than 5 women involved with this... it was women helping women. And even though I had no fertility problems, I did everything in my power to help out too... cooking dinners, cleanng their homes while they were on bedrest. Women need girlfriends. Hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Posted by: Boudicca at February 27, 2005 04:05 PM (z7nbM)

9 I am so happy that you had a great girl's night! Have fun in Hawaii!

Posted by: Amy at February 27, 2005 06:11 PM (vqrkC)

10 Have a good and well deserved holiday! Maybe you will find Luuka along the way too?

Posted by: Imabug at February 27, 2005 09:15 PM (uTx2x)

11 Um, what? Someone else that's bad at keeping in touch? I still have a Christmas card for you sitting on my dresser and a thank you note for the lush bar in my head waiting to be written... So see, you're not the only one...

Posted by: amy t. at February 28, 2005 03:39 PM (zPssd)

12 I wish you very happy and safe travels. Say Hello to So Cal for me.

Posted by: Tif at February 28, 2005 04:12 PM (jCFyL)

13 hmm...I'll be sure to keep my eyes open the next couple of days then - I live in San Diego! You're getting here just in time, I'll tell you that. You just missed the masses of rain storms that blew in - and now we are expecting lots of SUN!! Have a great vacation!!

Posted by: Christina at February 28, 2005 04:16 PM (axrWz)

14 Hooray for girlfriends! I went in a slumber party over the weekend with some great friends. Can't wait to hear all about your vacation when you get back.

Posted by: sarah at February 28, 2005 05:26 PM (TuxtN)

15 _The Time Traveler's Wife_ is simply one of the best books I read last year. Interesting how different people take different things away from good art. As you pass over St Louis, give us a wave, OK?

Posted by: Easy at March 01, 2005 12:03 AM (u1JaB)

16 I suck at making friends too. I have tons of online friends, but very few IRL. I used to have more, but they've all moved away over the years. And now my last remaining real friend who lives near me is also moving away, from here in CA to fucking FLORIDA! Can you believe it? Who am I going to do "Kids in the Hall" bits with NOW? Who am I going to get bitchy with and snarky with NOW? I would like to be angry with her for daring to move, but that would be stupid. Good for you for making friends. ::sighs:: I've tried what you did a couple of times now, I've given several parties and gone to some but the women all drive me up the wall. I don't think any of them would pick up a book to read if they were PAID to do it! Okay, I'm done bitching in your comments, for now, at any rate...and I loved this post, Helen. Loved it. Wistful and sweet and wonderful. YAY! :-)

Posted by: Amber at March 01, 2005 04:31 PM (zQE5D)

17 Good for you for taking the plunge Helen. Have a lovely holiday fairy abs x

Posted by: fairyabs at March 03, 2005 06:54 PM (K/AMl)

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