So I called the local surgery to see if my favorite Doctor, Dr. Henry, is available. There is no way I'm going to see anyone else but Dr. Henry, the man who named it the hand herpes, with "the" being an important characterization of the illness. If I can't see Dr. Henry, I will go on in my life exonerating blood clots from their mucus-bound prison interminably.

I am very sensitive about butt doctors.

I have history, after all.

When you live with IBS, you get a bit sensitive about your ass. Especially when your ass is often your greatest enemy (my dearest rump, why don't you ease up? I love cheese, just accept it for god's sake!) Even as a kid, IBS was whipping me. I remember being subjected to enemas at the tender age of 6, and if running to the toilet in absolute desperation doesn't make for a bad day, perhaps meeting with the business end of a pointy plastic bottle will do it. I have had more probes up my ass than a crop-circled Iowa corn farmer. It's not something I venture into with any sort of willingness.

So yeah. My insides are in bad shape, but dammit I like Dr. Henry and he's the only one I'm going to see about it. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like seeing my other doctor-he's they archetypal Englishman. I imagine I would slide into the patient's chair and have to inform him that "I am seeing hemoglobin emissions bordering on coagulations from my anterior repository". We would nervously talk about the indelicate subject of anal fissures and the need for high-fiber diets (which he would spell fibre and which would make me hate him for a long time) and how overcooked carrots really are the answer.

Instead, I want to walk into Dr. Henry's office and announce that I have the Ass Bleed, and that the Ass Bleed is morphing into the blood clot. I want to be straight with Dr. Henry as he laid the hand herpes on the line and was so cool about it he even wanted to take pictures of our hands, so I just know he can dig the Ass Bleed topic at face value.

Dr. Henry will undoubtedly have a go at me being a vegetarian, but then I have some news for him-while I will undoubtedly never eat meat again, I have been forced to accept my hypocrisy in a ritual I partake in every morning.

No I am not biting the heads off bats.

I like bats.

I have accepted defeat after a bit of research and am taking Omega-3 tablets, which are made out of fish.

This upsets me terribly.

We watched Horizon the other week (Horizon never, ever lies. Never. We love Horizon and it's entirely objective reporting, we love it and watch it and except for that really confusing episode about Stephen Hawking and some weird shit about physics that made me want to curl up in bed with my liberal arts diploma, we understand and enjoy the show). Horizon talked about the benefits of Omega-3, as explored by scientists over 30 years. It's been proven to help reduce the risk of heart attacks, to improve depression substantially, to improve brain function and reduce the chances of arthritis and joint damage, including that scary fucker called Hip Replacement Surgery.

Since Angus' blood pressure is so high, I put him on Omega 3.

Since arthritis runs in my family and I feel really stupid with all this work stress and I suffer from depressive tendencies, he's asked me to please, please be on it too.

So we're both on it-as well as other "good for you" things like drinking that probiotic yogurt every morning (it's not bad, actually) and eating organic food whenever possible (note: This does not make me Gwenyth Paltrow. Not only is my neck shorter, but unlike her, from time to time I like me some Cheetoes, and I know those aren't on an organic macrobiotic diet. Well, Cheetoes and alcohol. Have to have alcohol, although not with the Cheetoes. That's gauche).

But I feel distraught every morning taking that tablet, along with my folic acid and pregnancy vitamins (with the happy pregnant woman box face down, of course). Fish died for my vitamins. Fish wound up in a blender, a fish-shake, then their bodies were processed into these weird see-through yellow tablets straight out of Jurassic Park. I feel awful, the worst kind of hypocrite, I won't eat meat since I hate the idea of animals being sacrificed for my meal but here I am eating up pulpy fish as I can't get enough of this mineral in nature (it's found in a few vegetables, but I'd have to eat tons of it to get there, and the only thing I will eat tons of is cheese).

When I buy meat for Angus, it has to be what we call Happy Cow or Happy Chicken. I need to know that the chicken had a life running free outside, the wind in its feathers and grass beneath its feet (before it was pcked into a truck and shocked into a state of numbness before its throat is slit). If it wasn't a Happy Cow/Pig/Chicken/Lamb then I can't bear to buy it.

So I don't know that the fish pills are working, but I can say this-Angus has been suffering from what he calls "licking Grimsby pavement on a hot summer afternoon" burps ("Grimsby" being a fishing village in England, "pavemen" being a cute English way of saying "sidewalk"). As far as I'm concerned, he's lucky. Burping is all he's got? Yeah. He's lucky.

'Cause man, those pills are giving me The Farts. I mean house-clearing, run-for-the-hill farts. Earlier this week when we started the tablets I would feel The Great White Heat in my colon, signalling that something wicked this way comes. My intestines would shift and expand from the massive force of the neutron bomb it was about to expel. I would dash from the room and then nearly pass out from the smell, I couldn't believe something that nasty was coming out of me. The cats would look at me with disgust, to which I wanted to shout at them "Oh yeah! At least you don't see me licking my ass, do you? Huh?" I could be dropped over hostile nations and fed Omega-3 tablets and the enemy would come marching out, surrenduring at once.

The gas is gone now, I assume it was so bad in the first few days as I haven't had animal products for many years now, my stomach was like: Dude. What's up with the animal protein? Didn't we spend enough time making tie-dye clothes and singing kumbaya to know we don't have to have this stuff? Didn't we discuss this? The bad gas has subsided for the most part and I know that The Ass Bleed is not related as I've had that for ages anyway. My stomach is getting used to the tablets now, although it has sworn that if I think that this means it's ok to eat shrimp cocktail I've got another thing coming.

Luckily the gas subsided just before my yoga class yesterday, otherwise I can't imagine the issues there.

And in yoga class I was able to do a position I had never been able to do before, a position no one else could do. The look on Reena's face was one of abstract hatred and loathing. It was yet another yoga moment to go down in history.

Karmically, I'm going to burn for triumphing over Reena. I'm also going to burn for eating fish tablets.

The good news is, at least I'll be all bendy.

Doctor appointment on Monday.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:33 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1314 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Glad to know you are going to have it looked at. I have had IBS since I was about 11 (when they told me I had chronic appendicitis) but never bleeding like that - which would freak me out. Try Metamucil for the fiber - it works for me.

Posted by: kenju at October 14, 2005 12:24 PM (+AT7Y)

2 Those Grimsby-ites are going to be thrilled at having their substantial conurbation described as a "village"

Posted by: Gareth at October 14, 2005 01:28 PM (V56jW)

3 Glad to hear you are going to the doctor. It is unpleasant, but remember that not much surprises a doctor. I remember the first time I went to the specialist, he had just moved offices in the same building. On the front door the sign read: 'Dr. Kahn's Office In Rear'. I told him what it said. A little man from Pakistan with a heavy accent, he turned to the nurse and said "Who in the hell did that? Who the hell is the joker?" Then we both had a laugh at it. Nevermind that at the time he was probing me with a giant microscope-the kind used in junior high to look at the peel of the onion-I am sure of it. IBS is just awful, and unless someone suffers from it, it is hard to understand how awful it is. I too have suffered since childhood, and it is no picnic. Don't feel too bad about the Omega-3. It is hard to feel like a hypocrite, but remember that fish have been feeding bears, penquins, seals, etc for centuries, so why not let them help you out? And make sure you mention arthritis runs in your family. I know from my sister's struggle with her Crohn's and my IBS, my brothers ulcers, and my mom's lifelong battle with the runs, that they are finding out they are all connected. Just a thought-hopefully Dr. Henry will figure out some way for you to get some relief. And if you do need a colonoscopy or even a partial, ask to be put out. It is soooo much better then being aware of what is going on. And hey, free drugs.

Posted by: Teresa at October 14, 2005 02:17 PM (zf0DB)

4 I've had my ass poked and prodded too. I suffer from Gluten intolerance, aka Coeliac disease. They thought i had IBS at one time till all the tests came back. Good luck with your bleeding ass.

Posted by: Steph at October 14, 2005 02:22 PM (wlDli)

5 Mmmmm....free drugs.....

Posted by: Helen at October 14, 2005 02:31 PM (qcoRS)

6 When I started the fish pills I had not only awful gas but also horrific burps; fishy burps that also stunk. Ewww. After complaining on the most beautiful internet it was suggested that I take my pill at bedtime, and it has worked wonders. Even if I'm still farting and burping I don't know it because I am thankfully asleep.

Posted by: cursingmama at October 14, 2005 03:00 PM (PoQfr)

7 oh H~ that made me laugh. You seem happier!

Posted by: Tiffani at October 14, 2005 03:48 PM (v7PTe)

8 This made me laugh so hard my boss just looked out his office door and gave me crazy eye. Thank you! I'm sorry you're having the ass bleed, but I'm glad you have a doctor you feel okay talking about it with. Happy Friday, H!

Posted by: amy t. at October 14, 2005 03:53 PM (zPssd)

9 We've been doing the Happy animals stuff too; eggs from chickens that get to run around, beef and chicken meat from the same sources. Shopping almost strictly organic now... The food is better tasting, we both think, and yes, it makes me feel better that at least they had somewhat of a normal life. Horrifying how chickens and cows are treated otherwise. If we're going to eat them, for god's sake, let them at least live a little before they die. Anyway, I hear ya on the vegetarianism. I'm not thrilled at killing animals for my sake either. However, if your body needs fish oils, well...then it needs it. We can't help the way we're made. Animals eat each other too. It's not like we invented it. Look at how your cats would suffer physically if you forced them to eat a veggie diet. I know people who have done that and it's just mean. Don't be mean to you either. :-) As for Gasless Yoga...good LUCK! :-)

Posted by: Amber at October 14, 2005 04:40 PM (zQE5D)

10 I have had more probes up my ass than a crop-circled Iowa corn farmer. LOLOLOL! Oh, how I can relate...! Glad you're going to the medicine man, lady...!

Posted by: sue at October 14, 2005 06:25 PM (WbfZD)

11 I have IBS also, but I have never been subjected to the Ass Bleed. So, I must ask, although I am a tad bit embarrassed...if you had Ass Bleed and bad gas, was the result...heinous? The visual nearly drowned me while I was reading. I wish you the best of luck...

Posted by: Dana at October 14, 2005 06:37 PM (VQW8j)

12 I don't have IBS, but someone I loved very much did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Very glad to hear you're seeing Dr. Henry. If there's anyone in the world that can make one feel better about The Ass Bleed, it's him. Love love loooooovvvveee you,

Posted by: Margi at October 14, 2005 07:10 PM (nwEQH)

13 Have to have alcohol, although not with the Cheetoes. That's gauche Also turns on you SO violently the morning after. I mean, that's what I've heard. I'm going to rationalize the fish oil problem this way: Every tablet you take came from a fish that went on to be cat food. Because what's the point of being cat-owned if we can't blame everything on them? Plus this way, less of the fish was wasted than otherwise, and I like to imagine somewhere a long-ago Native American is nodding approval at that. It is sad that animals die, but it's horrible when they die for absolutely no reason at all (i.e., those damn fox hunts).

Posted by: ilyka at October 14, 2005 08:19 PM (Gb8uy)

14 As usual you crack me up. Sorry about the ass bleeds

Posted by: cheryl at October 15, 2005 02:11 AM (msF2q)

15 I'm a veggie too and feel your pain. I always felt guilty for taking vitamins with gelatine in them. The UK seems to be a bit better than the US for offering vitamins not made with it though. I take flax seed oil pills for my omega 3s as an alternative to the fish oil. Supposedly they are not as good as fish oil though. Also you get flax seed burps with them. blech.

Posted by: Lee at October 15, 2005 02:31 PM (PYZOC)

16 De-lurking for a minute... When you're a vegetarian it's all about the greens. Kale, collards, mustard, arugula, beet greens, and chard. Lots of nutrients such as calcium, folic acid, and FIBER! I tend to get a little bound up on my veg diet but then it's my body telling me I need to get those greens in my diet and stop eating the cheese. Oh how I love the cheese too. I don't know about in England but in the U.S. you can find tons of vegetarian vitamins. Mostly at health food stores...but they exist. Good luck with the anal blood leakage. Jane

Posted by: impossiblejane at October 15, 2005 04:14 PM (OIAfG)

17 please refer to this united states gov. publication http://familydoctor.org/861.xml

Posted by: iowaslovak at October 15, 2005 10:05 PM (i/5Q1)

18 I much appreciate your hip-hip-hoorayness while you're suffering. Good luck with the Good Dr. Henry.

Posted by: old horsetail snakem at October 15, 2005 11:22 PM (Bwih6)

19 ... and now for something completely different: wheres your rss feed? You´re one of the last of my daily reads that hasn´t ben added to my news reader ;-). Like you don´t have enough work allready, I know. Miguel.

Posted by: Miguel at October 16, 2005 01:20 PM (RCbs5)

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