"I've bought a silly hat." I say proudly into my mobile as I walk through a shopping mall to the train station.

"What?" Angus asks, confused. Someday he will get used to how fast my brain synapses, and he will recognize it by the whooshing sound it makes.

"A silly hat. I've bought a great big fuck-off silly hat. Like Andie McDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral, only with better acting skills. It was only £8, down from £40." I say breathlessly.

"Yes well...that's quite ok then."

It's true. I have bought a hat. It's one of those monstrous English creations that I, an American, have fallen in love with. I bought the silly hat for a silly price as hats are worn for weddings, Christenings, and the horse races. Seeing as Ascot, the biggest race, is now over, the horse races are largely done.

Laregely, but not quite completely.

I've been invited to the Goodwood Races today.. Today, even though it's currently raining and the forecast calls for rain with a further chance of piss-me-off mud and a dose of cats and dogs. Actually, both Angus and I have been invited, and incredibly, we will be the guests enjoying a champagne-soaked day on behalf of our hosts.

Company X.

That's right-the company that laid me off (and to which I am now a customer) and the company that Angus is leaving. They're taking us to the races, and taking us to the posh part as well, the grounds where you have to dress up to the nines and wear a funny badge on your shirt saying you have permission to be there. The grounds where they ridiculously have people actually policing who's allowed to be on the posh part or not (and I'm assuming my Dallas Stars hockey jersey would be frowned on, but since they cancelled the last hockey season I'm not too pleased with them, either). The dress code dictates that no jeans or shorts are allowed, and no one can have "bare tops". I'm not clear on what a bare top is, apart from a bunch of drunk horseracing fans writing letters on their chests, and even then, why bother? Not like the horse can read the fan appreciation or anything. It also dictates that women wear a dress and a hat, although we it says should leave the stilettos at home, so there goes my "I'm Down With S&M" halftime show.

The good news is, I'm banking on there being enough champagne there to get quite drunk.

I am ready for the races. I have a chiffon shawl, a dark ruched shirt of the soft material and a floaty polka-dot skirt. I have a hat pin, something I'd never seen outside of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, complete with black feathers on the end. I look forward to getting drunk and using it to my own devices. I have high strappy heels (not stiletto) and a tiny handbag. I have my vintage necklace and my Stila lip gloss.

And I have my big silly hat.

I return home from the shops, bags of groceries for the Lebanese meal I would be making, and a gift of a lovely tie for Angus (the men have to wear: "A suit, with a tie, a cravat, or a polo neck". What the fuck? A polo neck? What, is it the 70's again? Is that clothing option with or without heeled platform shoes? Should I expect to see Starsky diving over horses while Hutch comes roaring up the racetrack in that orange car? And a cravat? Hello, Masterpiece Theatre much?). I threw on my pajama bottoms and T-shirt again, which I had discarded in favor of jeans for the shops. And then, wearing said pajamas (and without any foundation garments beneath them, I might add), I proceeded to have a conference call while wearing that great big silly hat.

It was great. I felt like Audrey Hepburn, only I got angry with someone on the phone call and became more like Audrey Hepburn's dementedly demonic twin sister, the one who weighs about 50 pounds more than her and suffering from PMS and ass bleed. It wasn't easy getting angry in that hat, although I have to say-in a hat like that my vocabulary sure did up itself a notch, as though I really was channeling Audrey Hepburn, should she ever have actually lost her temper in real life. I don't know why I enjoy wearing a hat so outrageously outside of my own sphere of dress choice, except for the fact that even though I'm 31, sometimes it's still fun to play dress up. I may not belong at posh events like this one, but that doesn't mean I can't crash it and steal the champagne while making out with the minister's son under the buffet table. And that's part of the appeal I guess-I'm a bit excited about seeing the races today as I know I absolutely don't belong, but some part of me just wants to do the grown-up equivalent of twirling around in a tutu and wearing a pair of fairy wings with the glitter falling off.

And on reflection, isn't it always ok to have a big silly hat? Think of the occasions! Attending a Bake-Off and imitating Martha Stewart-why, what else to do but wear a hat? Herding sheep from one pen to another on a farm? Better put the big silly hat on. Digging for change in the couch cushions? Don't you think that's a big silly hat moment?

I wound up having a great time at Ascot last year, and I enjoyed another race (they call them Meetings here, which makes me laugh) a few months ago. Meetings tend to be huffy stuffy affairs, but the people watching is brilliant. All checking the odds and the stats and such (which, since I was taught how to do that at the last races I attended, I might give that a try. It might bode well for me, as my previous method of choosing the horses with cute names has been a consistently doomed venture.)

Since we have tickets for a posh enclosure and I am a very decidedly not-posh girl, I wonder if they serve the kind of hoity-toity food you see at cricket matches and such when the cricket players have a tea break (you read that right. Sportsmen stop and drink tea. Did I just see a white rabbit run past me?). I am hoping for cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. And even though cucumber sandwiches sound mildly revolting, I am prepared to try one and I am prepared to throw a strop should one of them be proferred that does not have the offending crust cut off. If possible, I would also like my cucumber sandwich cut into the shape of a Mickey Mouse head. I want to shake things up a bit. I will also settle for a sandwich in the shape of a star, since far be it from me to be unreasonable.

So without further ado, today we are at the races. Dressed up. And I am wearing a big silly hat.

Which to tell the you truth, I am in love with.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:16 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 1230 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Big Silly Hat Moments: PTA Meetings. Shopping at the Commissary. Walks in the park. . . . Hmm. About the only time a big silly hat could possibly be a problem is while boating. No need to go overboard for fashion! (Hope you're slapping your knee over that one. I hurt something coming up with it. Heh.) . . . Actually, I think a big silly hat is in my future. I love your whimsy. I need to adopt some of it for myself. xoxo Love, M

Posted by: Margi at July 27, 2005 09:25 AM (nwEQH)

2 I am inspired. I'm going to go look for a big silly hat myself. The only hats I have at the moment are my leather cowboy hat and my veteran basebal cap. Definitely not nearly silly enough.

Posted by: Jim at July 27, 2005 10:35 AM (oqu5j)

3 Use a Butterball Lush Bath Bomb and a bit of Stila and show then what they were stupid enough to throw away! I grew up in Chichester by Goodwood Races, i hope the weather is good for you as it is a beautiful spot. Abs x

Posted by: abs at July 27, 2005 10:52 AM (+gJH8)

4 big silly hats are good for the soul

Posted by: sn at July 27, 2005 11:04 AM (6FCAy)

5 Picture! Picture! Picture!

Posted by: Miguel at July 27, 2005 11:16 AM (yHaFf)

6 And here I thought that I've fallen in love with hats recently coz of my high age @c@ Glad to hear I'm not the only one Enjoy the race and knock them out of their socks with your new hat C.

Posted by: croxie at July 27, 2005 12:49 PM (Bu9fp)

7 I think everyone needs a big silly hat moment. And I wish we had more occasion to wear them over here. *sigh* And I echo the call for photos! You can't tease us with a big silly hat and then not show us...that would be mean!

Posted by: karmajenn at July 27, 2005 01:21 PM (fx1A8)

8 Actually, cucumber sammiches are pretty good. I used to go to high tea on Sundays with girlfriends of mine (in big silly hats, of course) and they always had the cucumber sandwiches. Very tasty. So was the waiter I took home.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at July 27, 2005 02:14 PM (PQfF5)

9 Yay! Ah, yes, playing dress up. Something I used to do on an occasional Saturday afternoon only to find myself with lipstick in hand sitting on the couch staring at a Degas painting...So, dressing up AND actually having some place to go! Would that it were me! Have a lovely time and can't wait for the report. Also, glad things are coming full circle with Company X. Life is so interesting as it unfolds... Be well.

Posted by: gigi at July 27, 2005 03:18 PM (4PBig)

10 Now you can't brag about your big silly hat without showing us photos. Please...

Posted by: Marie at July 27, 2005 03:21 PM (PQxWr)

11 Here in Blighty watching the race thats on BBC 2 as I read your post - spooky. OMG I love hats too, secretly, I'm not telling anyone though lol. Hope your having fun!

Posted by: Juls at July 27, 2005 03:36 PM (1rEPm)

12 Ok, now I want a big silly hat.

Posted by: amber at July 27, 2005 03:54 PM (VZEhb)

13 HAHA, that post made me snicker out loud. I have a few items like that...that I bought...JUST BECAUSE... I bought an antique shawl the other day...you know...because women should have shit like that... I bought BLUE shoes to wear to my own wedding....again...because everyone should be able to wear coloured shoes to their own wedding...RIGHT? GO BIG HAT....maybe I should add that to my collection of unecesary but fun things... I hope it's a great day for the both of you. Have a drink for me, will ya?

Posted by: wn at July 27, 2005 05:36 PM (zh/oU)

14 Yay! Another hat! You've gotta love em. I know we have the same hat (the one you wore at ascot) and though it's not very big, it can be rather silly. I don't have any more big silly hats though, but I do have a very silly winter hat. It's red, cream and pink, fleece lined with ear muffs which end in long plaits that come halfway down my ribcage. And to top it all off, it has a massive pompom on top!!! I love it so much. I have a scarf to match. Just thought i'd share in the hat love! Enjoy your day hun, you deserve it. AxXx

Posted by: Lemurgirl at July 27, 2005 06:32 PM (9ND6z)

15 oh fun! i'd love to see a picture of you in this big silly hat. :-)

Posted by: kat at July 27, 2005 06:47 PM (xJGrF)

16 Hooray for the big silly hat! And may the posh nibblins be all that you might wish for. (Cucumber sandwiches are mostly cucumber and bread, so if you like cucumber they should taste just fine.)

Posted by: B. Durbin at July 27, 2005 08:07 PM (BYAj2)

17 I definitely want to see your smashing pictures of you in your big silly hat. I'm thinking you're going to look so posh.

Posted by: sporty at July 28, 2005 03:09 AM (56gUM)

18 Pictures!

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 28, 2005 02:35 PM (8ldNh)

19 I love being silly just to be silly ... like you're doing, in this case - hope you'll have lots of fun. And you couldn't possibly ever feel self concious in the presence of champagne!

Posted by: Hannah at July 28, 2005 03:06 PM (DlnyL)

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