So the emails at work are back to "bitchslap" me status and once again I am ignoring any voice mails. My team is running in 24-hour shifts, and those of us with the rocket riding geribls in our homes spend the evenings testing variations to see the extent of what they can do. I have two rocket riding gerbils in my home, and Angus has even gotten tired of them.

The stress is making itself known.

The ulcer is in bad shape. Underneath my left eye I have that twitch which is called myomia, mykosia, or some other name that sounds like a Greek Island. This twitch is apparently caused by lack of sleep and too much caffeine, but the person that tries to take away my sixth cup of coffee better stand out of briefcase swinging range 'cause I'm not going down without a fight. Take my coffee. Geez, that's a killing offense.

I woke up yesterday and saw my right eyelid was swollen and bright red. I called my doctor's office (called a surgery here in England).

"Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Henry." I say, twirling around the kitchen in my pajamas. I have decided I should switch doctors to Dr. Henry. Dr. Henry is the new black.

"Oh, sorry. Dr. Henry doesn't do surgery on Wednesdays." the receptionist replies.

"Good thing I don't need surgery!" I joke back. There is silence on the line.

Clearly my American humor is underappreciated here.

So I get booked in to see a new doctor, a woman. This is contrary to my normal practice-I don't really like women doctors, I like man doctors. This isn't because I don't think a woman can do it, as I absolutely believe they can. It's because I am so self-conscious I worry once I leave the office the woman doctor would think Thank God I've never had a case of her hand herpes/eye infection/infertility/bacterical vaginosis/hideous freckled complexion!

But I go see her, she looks into my eye, and nods. "You have an eyelid infection." she pronounces.

"A what?" I ask, my hideous eye red and swollen.

"An eyelid infection. No contacts for one week and here's a prescription for some ointment to use four times a day." she says, and with that our three-minute appointment is over.

Typical. I start referring to my eyelid infection as Weepy Eye. This is something I do, I turn everything into a two name description-Ass Bleed. Hand Herpes.

It all started when I was living alone with my lovely dog Boscoe. One evening I tried to home dye my hair with a new color, and it wound up being so far from the red color on the top of the box it was amazing. It was magenta. I looked like someone had stuck a passion fruit on my head. I caught my dog looking at me in amazement, even my color-blind little guy couldn't believe it. Looking at him, I realized then that something was wrong with his face-his nose was about 5 times its normal size. We rushed to the vet.

The vet's office all stared at us as we walked in, a hush reserved only for the Queen or for the criminally insane. When I looked into a mirror, I saw why. I had bright, pingingly awful purple hair with purple streaks down my shoulders from the hair dye. Boscoe's face was grotesquely swollen. We looked like we'd walked in from the local carnival, and so I introduced us as Captain Swollen and Magenta Head. It was revealed a brown recluse spider had bitten him, so he was then put on antibiotics, but between the two of us we looked abnormal for days.

So I fill the prescription for my Weepy Eye. It turns out it is caused by stress, and while on the phone with one of my team it turns out he has exactly the same thing (and no, our eyes have not been making out in the back of a car and spreading the infection). I text Angus and let him know about it, and also inform him I will be stuck in my dreaded three year old glasses (I am a contacts girl, and as such, never bother updating my glasses every year). He suggests we book an appointment at the optician to get me new ones, and I agree.

So we both go to get an eye exam, and I go around picking out glasses. I pick out two new pairs (they're two for the price of one) and then we look at glasses for Angus.

That's right.

My dear boy has been put on eyeglasses duty.

It happens to the best of us, really.

We get our glasses on Saturday, so unfortunately it's a trek into London today with my old awful glasses. The ointment I have to put on my eye makes the whole thing glisten and fucks up my vision. So not only am I wearing my awful glasses but I have a glistening red eyelid that looks like it is covered in a layer of pus.

"Unattractive" isn't the term I'd choose. I'd go for "people running in fear out of worry for possible health scare of ocular avian flu."

Weepy Eye.

Life is going well.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:38 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 890 words, total size 5 kb.

1 I hate putting stuff in, or around my eyes. Hope the weepy eye gets better soon, but I'm sure glad I don't have to see it. Oh, and our dog is named 'Bosco' as well. Do they add the 'e' in GB, or is that just the way you opted to spell it?

Posted by: ~Easy at September 29, 2005 01:08 PM (NL+Vn)

2 Sorry about the eyelid, but I am jealous of the new pair(s) of glasses. I can not stand contacts and wear my glasses like any other accessory-I have so many pair I can't even find them all. I bet you look smashing in them, even if the eye is sending people scattering. And I have had magenta hair too, more then once. It was cool when I was 20, but way less cool once I hit 30. Thank the stars for hats.

Posted by: Teresa at September 29, 2005 01:14 PM (zf0DB)

3 Take my coffee. Geez, that's a killing offense. (said like Everett in "Oh Brother Where Art Thou") I thought you was against capital punishment. (end of goofy pretend voice) Glasses aren't so bad. I just hate that I'm going to need bifocals within a year or two. Then I'll officially feel old.

Posted by: Solomon at September 29, 2005 01:27 PM (k1sTy)

4 Ever think about asking for hazard pay from your job?

Posted by: drew at September 29, 2005 01:49 PM (CBlhQ)

5 You should threaten to rub said eye on your boss' phone if he doesn't leave you alone.

Posted by: RP at September 29, 2005 02:20 PM (LlPKh)

6 I once had an episode where my hair dye turned teal blue. Maybe you've given me a blog post... Sorry about your eye. I didn't know that twitchy thing had a name. I do that sometimes, too. Now I know why! Unfortunately, I only wear contacts now for "special occasions" - i.e. going out with Hubby. I have bifocals and have astigmatism so bad that I can't wear the bifocal contacts, so wear ones for distance, then have to use reading glasses. Much easier on a day-to-day basis just to wear the damn glasses. sigh. Oh, well... hope your eye is better soon and you get to no longer be known as puss-face....I mean, weepy eye.

Posted by: sue at September 29, 2005 02:45 PM (WbfZD)

7 Eye twitch, infection, hand herpes. Did you ever think of changing jobs? As someone who cares about you I hope you realize that you will not be able to keep this pace as a pregnant/new mom. Get some sleep, NEVER mess with the caffiene intake, lots of sex and please take care of yourself!

Posted by: That Girl at September 29, 2005 03:08 PM (gu1Ur)

8 What if the ocular avian flu is from touching a duck? We can't have this. We must have ducks.

Posted by: sporty at September 29, 2005 03:38 PM (56gUM)

9 Some of these descriptions are entirely too visual. Perhaps you could just say, "So, once again, things are in a state of flux." See, flux could be anything and it's a special word because it's almost dirty, but it isn't. Flux. I think I can use this on my own site.

Posted by: old horsetail snake at September 29, 2005 04:05 PM (acLa9)

10 I so think you should wear an eye-patch, Helen the pirate... fabulous !!!

Posted by: sasoozie at September 29, 2005 04:09 PM (FTMAC)

11 You've been through all of that and you still managed to send me such a fabulous gift? What a woman!

Posted by: kitty at September 29, 2005 08:19 PM (c4sTI)

12 I needed a laugh today and you have just given me quite a few chuckles. Sorry to laugh at your expense, but your descriptions are so funny! Hope the eye gets better soon.

Posted by: kenju at September 29, 2005 09:54 PM (+AT7Y)

13 ooo, new glasses can be kinda fun. I just got 2 new pairs (2 for 1, gotta love it!) and i actually don't mind wearing them, even if they do give me big owl eyes! I was petrified i'd need varifocals at the age of 21, but instead he told me to just peer over the top. *sigh* the technicalilty of it all! I'm sure you'll both look fab. personally i have a thing for blokes in specs...

Posted by: Lemurgirl at September 30, 2005 12:12 AM (SN8+J)

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