When you move around a lot as a child and just basically have really screwed up emotions, making friends is not easy. In fact, it's impossible. On military bases you deal with a different breed of children-we all know we're only here for 2-4 years. The constant moving means that no matter how much of a soulmate your best friend is, at the end of the day all you'll be left with are lingering memories of bad-haired Barbies and watery grape Kool-Aid as she vanishes into the ether that is the past.

I have said it before and I have to say it again-I am terrible at making friends. I just can't do it. I have a couple of friends that I've carried in my heart through the years and will always keep, but that was a hard battle. In my childhood the escalator of friends didn't stop, and now when I look at older pictures I can't even remember their names. I can't remember if they always wore their hair scraped back like that. I can't remember if that gap where their front teeth were ever filled in by buck-toothed adult teeth when I knew them.

I was a troubled chick. As a child I was just so fucking desperate to be loved it was unbelievable. I was the epitome of "people-pleaser". I was always chasing after people seeking acceptance, seeking friendship, wondering if somehow the fact that I could be liked meant I was a human being, or if the stepping out of myself would always be a part of who I was.

But all of the moving around, the turbulence, the battles...by the time I became a teenager, I was broken.

I kept to myself. If you were to ask anyone from my high school, they'll tell you they don't remember me. I was the one who occasionally made sarcastic quips, the smart kid. I had no friends.

I didn't want any.

Or at least that's what I told myself.

My adult years were marked by yo-yos. A female friend would stumble into my life, and I would be firends for a while and then wind up rejecting her horribly. I was a terrible person. I would let them in just a little bit, only to pick a fight with them and disappear. I would make sure the argument was so cold and hostile as to make sure they would leave my life. One friend-and this makes me a rotten fucking human being-I picked a fight with her on her birthday. We never spoke again, and that's what I wanted.

Like the angry caged dogs in the shelters, I guess. Smack us one too many times and we will bite you for no reason just to give you a reason to smack us again. We'll push you out of our lives before you get the chance to leave.

But in the past year I have been working to change this. Maybe some part of me feels like, in some way, I deserve to have friends. It's ok to talk to people. And once, when I used to lie about many facets of who I am just to prevent people from getting close to me, I now tell the truth.

Which brings me to two big things that have been happening.

The first is the book club. We are meeting tonight and I am really looking forward to the company of four women that I like a lot. We drink, we laugh, we have things in common, and I learn from them. Not once have I put on an act around them. Not once have I tried to step out of myself to keep them at arms' length.

And you know what? It feels great. Really wonderful to have friends. To email with them and joke with them. To talk about literature, work, men, and babies. Three of the five of us have been/are undergoing IVF and we talk about it comfortable, believe it or not. I find talking about IVF to usually be so hard around women that never needed it.

The other thing that happened was on Tuesday. At the end of the amazing day in which a yellow linen envelope changed my day (week!), we all trooped off to the train station. I was standing by myself on the platform, surrounded by Dream Job employees huddled in clumps aggregated by their departments. The two from my department who had attended the conference had driven there, so I was on my own.

I was tempted to plug my iPod in my ears, like I always do. I pulled the thing out twice but resisted both times. Both times I put it back in my briefcase, and I didn't understand why.

I felt a touch on my shoulder.

"Helen?" asked a woman with extraordinary green eyes. I remembered her from the break-out sessions in the afternoon, where we were awarded with the groan-worthy task of discussing around a table to discuss strategies. (Note to managers: Your employees hate doing stuff like this. Please don't subject us to packs of Post-It Notes and the advice "Let's brainstorm!". It causes mutiny.) My table came up with a strategy and I was asked to present it, which I did, to great laughter (Tuesday was a really, really good day. Really.)

"Yes?" I asked, startled. I wondered if she was going to say that my boho skirt was tucked into the back of my boy shorts, and then walk back to her group giggling about what a tosser I was.

"Want to come join our group and talk to us? We'd love to hear more about Project Rocket Riding Gerbil." she asked, indicating a group of 3 women standing nearby talking.

I felt like the dorky kid being asked by the popular girls to sit on the swings and discuss our slam books.

"Yeah. That'd be great." I reply, startled.

We walk over and talk, and it turns out that the woman who pulled me over, Sallie, and I hit it off well. We've been emailing back and forth. She's very funny and I like her attitude. We're meeting up for coffee soon in London to discuss shoes.

Because you can never have too many friends to talk to about shoes.

And t's time I quit trying to be ready to push them away and run the other direction as fast as I can. So when we have coffee and talk shoes, I will be wearing my strappy sandals, as my running shoes have been put away. I'm not going to go begging and pleading for people to like me, but I'm not going to pick fights to protect myself, either. Maybe the truth is, I've found a life that fits me and that I love so completely that I don't see I will ever be running away from it.

I don't need any outs.

I'm not going anywhere.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:03 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1169 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I do the same thing to men - its very hard for me to be loved. I say Great job to you! Don't look now, you may be growing.

Posted by: That Girl at April 15, 2005 12:59 PM (gu1Ur)

2 I like you and had no idea about any of this. Most people don't, you know and most people can't just tell by looking at you. They see a lovely young woman with a killer smile and that's usually a great start. I hope you have fun talking about shoes.

Posted by: RP at April 15, 2005 01:22 PM (LlPKh)

3 I've always found friends to be indispensable. I grew up as an Air Force dependant but never really pondered the making and losing friend process (I guess we're wired differently); that was just how it was as far as I was concerned. Besides, I had my brother who was always my best friend. It's true the best way to get good friends is to be a good friend, so the chance to have good friends is almost completely up to you...sounds like you're on the right track. Enjoy your meeting tonight.

Posted by: Solomon at April 15, 2005 01:26 PM (k1sTy)

4 Oh f.... I do truly understand about the moving all the time thing. My family moved 18 times by the time I was 15 and we weren't even in the military. It really does make it extremely difficult to make friends and as you say eventually you try so damn hard to please that you don't know who you are anymore. I'm so pleased that you are finding your way out of that isolation! I've never met you, but honestly from all I've read of you from your postings, I think you would make a pretty wonderful friend.

Posted by: dee at April 15, 2005 01:32 PM (g4dAh)

5 Good for you! I've never been part of a book club but fantasized about it forever! Maybe one day...

Posted by: Jadewolff at April 15, 2005 01:39 PM (8MfYL)

6 You deserve good days and good friends. I don't think I've ever been quite so certain about anything before. I'm pretty certain that I'm going to run into Gerard Butler somewhere and we'll fall deeply in love,too. Here's wishing that both come true!

Posted by: Lindsay at April 15, 2005 02:01 PM (srIAp)

7 Over my 42 years I've had many friends drift through my life. I once did something similar to what you describe, but it was so childish and petulant I still cringe at the memory. I'ts a big step for you to recognize this in yourself, and consciously try to manage it. I do have a friend that I've had since the 2nd grade. We've known each other since 1st grade, but that year both of us liked Alicia Baker and we were bitter rivals for her affection. Alicia didn't come back for 2nd grade and we ended up friends to this day. Some friendships are transitory, and as we travel through life they will come and go. Don't sweat it either way. Just enjoy the company.

Posted by: ~Easy at April 15, 2005 02:17 PM (npJc/)

8 I don't make friends easily either. Perhaps that's why we're all into blogging? Virtual friends without the drama? I have like 3 good friends and 2 friends from college that I hang out with. My best friend is my fiance - how cheesy is that huh? Get out there, make it happen like you said we all need friends.

Posted by: Juls at April 15, 2005 03:39 PM (9aRbg)

9 Making friends is a pain in the ass. I either over-act and look like a tool or get all shy and either way, it's hard. These days we have lots of acquaintances and a few very close friends. I would crumple up and die without Miss Beek. But like someone else said above, the man is my best friend. I wouldn't be with him otherwise. On the eBay searching: I looked for mine cut diamonds, sometimes called rose cut or european cut. We really wanted an heirloom, not a new ring. That one's platinum with a 1/2 carat sapphire and rose-cut diamond side stones. I am totally in love with it. Sigh.

Posted by: Kaetchen at April 15, 2005 04:23 PM (1nMRx)

10 Yet another character trait we shared. I still push people away sometimes...it's the "Get them before they get me" mind set. The other day, after I moved, I was going through a box of old memorabilia and found a big manila envelope full of cards...birthday or Christmas, that kind of thing, and postcards. I can't even begin to tell you how many I read and looked to see who signed it and was unable to recall who that person was. I mean, some of these cards said, "You're the best friend I've ever had" and things like that and here I was, reading it, and have NO FRICKEN CLUE who the person is! I did a wash, for lack of a better term, and have rid myself of negative people in my life and will be surrounding myself with much more positive people...meaning, people who don't always look down on life or have no hope or can't ever see anything beautiful in this world...and I'm going to make a real effort this time around NOT to push them away "just in case" they might ever have thought of not being my friend anymore sometime in the far distant future. I know it's hard and a lot of work and just like with the I-Pod, you have to resist the temptation to take the comfortable route and try something you don't normally try. Best of luck to you my dear and here's to succeeding in the friend's department.

Posted by: Serenity at April 15, 2005 07:58 PM (KjnKF)

11 Me, too. I have a really hard time making and keeping friends. It is so hard, but I am sure it's worth it. Have fun with book club - I love going to mine. I really do need to reach out more to the people I know. Thanks for reminding me. And have a beautiful weekend with Angus.

Posted by: Ms. Q at April 15, 2005 09:28 PM (WUM14)

12 I would've been quite a challenge for you. When I first started seeing my wife, she tried to push me away much in the same way you described. But I wouldn't leave. I kept coming back. And now we're married. Guess I'm a sucker for punishment, huh?

Posted by: diamond dave at April 15, 2005 09:54 PM (Qv1Ye)

13 We are a LOT alike, Helen. As a child, I used to bribe kids to play with me, and give them my toys, even my trike or scooter. I am still the biggest people pleaser in the world - and I love compliments. Are we as insufferable as that sounds?

Posted by: kenju at April 15, 2005 10:03 PM (Z0YaI)

14 My life will be going along just fine and then I realize that it's been years since I had a close girl friend. I now have one, and it's like a love affair kind of, I miss her when her family is away, and look forward to seeing her again! Is that weird? So much of our time is caught us with men and children...and we need girlfriends! Or just friends to be honest! Good luck with your new friends.

Posted by: Kathy at April 16, 2005 02:04 AM (flb/n)

15 We get to a point in our lives when we realize, women... need... women. I LOVE men. LOOOOOVE them. But... women need women.

Posted by: Boudicca at April 16, 2005 02:25 AM (z7nbM)

16 We'll push you out of our lives before you get the chance to leave. Oh, I've done that more times than I can count. Thank you for reminding me I'm not the only one to have occasionally indulged in dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I think I agree with Boudicca, especially the "get to a point" part--because that women need each other was simply not a concept anyone could have conveyed to me back in my early 20s. "I don't need those other bitches," would have run my argument, "I need all those other bitches to die so this planet will be just me and the men." Very dumb thinking, and very self-sabotaging.

Posted by: ilyka at April 16, 2005 07:42 PM (v3ucK)

17 It was a definite get to the point part for me. I am going to be 40 in September. Whereas I still LOVE my male friends, I could not live without my girl friends. It started when I was about 30. Men view things differently. It is not bad how they view them, but just.different. And most women, I said most, come to a point where they feel they need to talk to someone about what is going on in their lives and not feel so alone... or so insane.

Posted by: Boudicca at April 17, 2005 03:21 AM (z7nbM)

18 I wonder often why the person in my blog has such an easy virtualtime of it while the person who sits at the computer and writes it spends a goodly amount of time avoiding the same 'friendships' in real life. They are the same person. Why is one of them so virtually relationship adept and the other so tacitly relationship incapable? And will I ever really know the answer?

Posted by: Jennifer at April 17, 2005 05:40 PM (MbhV6)

19 Helen, at the rick of sounding patronising, THIS IS BRILLIANT!! I am so pleased for you - we all need more Tuesdays like that right? Abs x

Posted by: abs at April 17, 2005 06:51 PM (RG8iJ)

20 It's so nice to just finally be comfortable enough in your skin that you don't give a rat's ass who likes you and doesn't... Here here... I'm right there with you (finally)

Posted by: Snidget at April 18, 2005 03:01 AM (3yzUX)

21 I am so thrilled for you and can't wait to talk shoes with you myself I need all the help I can get finding those strappy shoes!

Posted by: stinkerbell at April 18, 2005 09:36 AM (ZznPv)

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