This morning Angus rode the train into London with me, and we took a later train than usual. Whistling and happy in the sunshine, we park the car to hop on our train, when Angus realizes that he is wearing his business suit trousers and his tuxedo jacket.

Somehow, neither of us caught that as we left the house.

Strange.

He raced home and changed, managing to get back to the train station as we catch our train just in time (and can I just say....damn my boy looks good in a suit). Settling back, we enjoyed the abnormally commuter-quiet train. This week most of the schools have a week off, so the workplaces are empty as parents work from home or have taken holiday time. At Dream Job there are miles of open hot desks. The trains are empty of people in suits. The tubes are deserted of businessmen.

Instead, the trains and tubes are filled with frazzled looking mothers and over-excited children taking a trip into the Big Smoke.

As a woman, I love children.

As a commuter, children are a sign that Satan is alive and well.

A few rows back from us two quiet and interested young girls read a book on the history of the Tower of London. They look amazed, awed, and excited about heading into London. They are also very quiet.

They become my favorite children.

At the next stop two mothers get on the train with two boys about aged 8, two pre-teen girls, and a little girl of around 5. The little girl sits quietly on her Mum's lap, and she is quiet and serene (although I wanted to take a brush out of my bag and brush her hair. Rats' nest hair is so 90's).

The two pre-teens sat next to us playing with their mobile phones. This is not new-all kids here seem to have mobile phones. Angus' daughter has one as well. To be fair, in this day and age it comes in handy-if your kids need to be picked up somewhere, gone are the days I suffered in waiting in the cold if the event ended early and I waited for my parental unit to come get me. Now the message is easier-Mom, this party blew, can you please come and get me?

The two boys behind us, it turns out, are maniacs. Swinging from the luggage racks, jumping up and down on the seats, and shouting. Their mothers would lean over from time to time and insult the boys, calling them useless, a waste, and that they were "On the path to getting a smack, they didn't care who was watching!" Angus and I look at each other. Calling your kid "useless" as a form of control must surely go down in Dr. Spock's parenting books as a rather ineffective method of positive reinforcement. It was no wonder the children were monsters-if I was always called useless, I'd be uncontrollable, too.

The two young boys then got into a punch-up, screaming homophobic epithets at each other (a little bit young for intolerance, isn't it boys?) and punching each others' noses. Mother of the Year #1 wearily looked over at him.

"Shane! You're going to be grounded for another week!" she shouted, adjusting her black bra strap slipping down her arm.

"I don't care!" he shouted, grinding his elbow into the other kids head. "Fuck you!"

I look over at the pre-teen girls and see that they are removing the fluorescent green gum from their mouths and smearing it into the trays on the back of the seats and then folding up the trays and smashing the glue-like gum between the tray and the seat.

I can no longer keep my mouth shut.

"That is seriously un-cool." I say, looking at them. After all, I commute. I ride these trains. I have no idea how many times an empty seat couldn't be used on crowded standing room only trains as gum pockmarked the seat.

The pre-teens stare at me then shrug me off, but I can tell they're embarrassed.

One of the young boys then starts throwing up, and intersperses it with "I hate you!" behind us. I have no idea whom the "I hate you's" are being addressed at, but if they're at me, I don't really care. I'm not too fond of him, either.

The pre-teens then busy themselves with taking new freshly-chewed gum out of their mouths and smearing it onto the seats. Obviously the train trays weren't interesting (or destructive) enough.

We pull into the station and Angus and I rush off, eager to be away from the Children of the Corn.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:22 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 788 words, total size 4 kb.

1 It is so true, commuting with amateurs is no fun. On weekends, when I have to go in to the office, I make sure to bring headphones and music, so I can shut myself away from them. That said, yours looks like one of the worst I've ever had the pleasure of reading about. Yech.

Posted by: RP at June 03, 2005 01:06 PM (LlPKh)

2 As I've said before, if they came out as 9 year olds, parents would drown them at birth.

Posted by: ~Easy at June 03, 2005 01:38 PM (cpfeI)

3 Amen, Easy. Amen! And if the girls came out as 12-year-olds, (ouch!) we would simply sigh in dispair, the hormones simply too much to bare.

Posted by: Ice Queen at June 03, 2005 01:43 PM (z71bh)

4 Ahhh! This is where we would disagree about corporal punishment over "grounding for a week"?:-) Grounding for a week even though the last 10 grounding are overlapping and not served consecutively. No end in sight. While a short experience in the wood shed would start the boys with a clean slate so they feel there is some hope of not being continuously bad/useless? Hi Helen, been spending too much time on political blogs but need to come home for a little while:-) The pictures you add are lovely and sometimes thoughtful as your verbage is observant.

Posted by: Roger at June 03, 2005 01:45 PM (8S2fE)

5 As I said in one of my very first comments a long time ago, "Spank early. Spank often." I know everyone here doesn't agree with spanking, but the child who doesn't need a good whoopin' periodically is truly an anomaly. If I heard an 8 year old say "F--- you" to his mom, I might have spanked him for her Apparently being put on restriction isn't really a deterrent. As an aside, my mom never put us on restriction (except once), because she said it was more a punishment to her than us

Posted by: Solomon at June 03, 2005 01:45 PM (k1sTy)

6 I keep hoping the earth is proven not round but more like a Lichtenfels Minimal Surface where there is an undiscovered continent without indigenous people where we could try one more start. Hi Solomon!

Posted by: Roger at June 03, 2005 02:01 PM (8S2fE)

7 A friend of mine has a remarkably effective method for dealing with preteens. He is about 6'2" 240lb, he leans over to the offending youth and simply asks in a very quiet voice "do you want to keep breathing?" He wouldn't hurt a fly, but they don't know that. If there are no commuters, possibly the car wouldn't be such a burden in the city? Wait for the porfessionals to come back to the trains. Oh, and I must say, nothing says "homeless" quite as well as a tuxedo jacket with a suit. Angus may want to sleep in it the night before to give it the full effect. Maybe some white tennies as finishing touch =)

Posted by: Dane at June 03, 2005 02:03 PM (ncyv4)

8 nothing says "homeless" quite as well as a tuxedo jacket with a suit Now that is funny!

Posted by: Roger at June 03, 2005 02:16 PM (8S2fE)

9 several times I have wanted to say something while in a public place and children are running rampant. If nothing else but to help out the mother. But, I do as good midwesterners do and bite my lip. Next time, I'm doing what you did. There is no reason that these children should think that the only person they are spiting is their parents. Ok, it's official I'm an old lady.

Posted by: suz at June 03, 2005 03:18 PM (GhfSh)

10 Hi Roger. We've missed your comments. And I agree, the "nothing says homeless..." comment by Dane was very funny. What political websites have you been visiting?

Posted by: Solomon at June 03, 2005 03:31 PM (k1sTy)

11 Well Solomon since we like Helen's blog as the sanctuary from cetain topics, you may send an email if you want And I'll return back some details:-)

Posted by: Roger at June 03, 2005 03:35 PM (8S2fE)

12 Ugh. As I normally have a bad habit of saying exactly what I'm thinking, I've had a hard time on public transportation with children like that. My child isn't a saint all the time, but she knows what is right and wrong because of children like that.

Posted by: amber at June 03, 2005 03:39 PM (VZEhb)

13 I am so greatful that my children are well behaved in public. I just want to smack the parents of a child missbehaving that badly in public. If I am with my children and we see other kids acting up I always tell them if they ever act that way they will not live to see the sun go down lol. It's worked so far lol.

Posted by: justme at June 04, 2005 03:02 PM (eME52)

14 this does make me grateful for the well-behaved child I have been blessed with. How can some parents be so oblivious to how INEFFECTIVE they are?

Posted by: kalisah at June 04, 2005 04:09 PM (C7RFb)

15 Kalisah take a bow - you don't get "blessed with great children" you raise them that way!! Kudos to you!

Posted by: flikka at June 06, 2005 12:12 AM (puvdD)

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