Dear Period Fairy,

It's nice to see you again. No-wait. I am totally lying, actually. To tell you the truth, I never look forward to your visits. I mean, I know you pop in regularly, but let's be honest-you make my life hard.

First off, it never seems to fail that when I want to go on holiday, you decide to come along for the ride. Especially-most especially!-when I am going somewhere that involves tiny sundresses, bathing suits, and diving, because:

A) It's impossible to conceal one of those sausage-like Tampax in the confines of a tiny little girl dress, so I either have to carry a bag myself or implore Angus to arm himself with the cotton wonders. And everyone knows how thin and revealing those sundresses are, so any little drop of blood that might leak its way down the string is sure to be a beacon screaming: Look here! Look here! We've got a bleeder!

B) Naturally life isn't stressful enough, I need to also be constantly concerned that the string could potentially be hanging out the crotch of my bathing suit, like some kind of choke on a lawnmower or the handle of a Venetian blind. Pull the string and I'll either chug to life and mow your lawn or else the swimsuit will magically go up.

C) We've all heard that sharks can smell a drop of blood in, oh, the whole ocean, so why not put me in the middle of the water, like a giant blood Squeegee?

Preparing for your visits is always hard on me. Anticipating your arrival invariably brings a fight at home as my chemicals go wildly out of control, turning me into a nutter that feeds off of depression and anxiety (and it continues, so you, you bitch who's reading over my shoulder right now on the train? Yeah, you? Please quit eating beef jerky. You'll smell like an antelope all day.) Then comes the bloating, where I have to stay away from the sea in case Captain Ahab sees me and finally wings a spear my way. Then the zits, and my God-being pimple free was the only good thing about my teenage years, why does this have to happen now? The final step is when I inherit Dolly Parton's boobs for the day and have to raid the kitchen. And I don't just raid the kitchen, I'm like a pregnant woman who's just been freed from watching a Martha Stewart cooking show-I want salt. Covered in chocolate. Covered in peanut butter and every carbohydrate in the kitchen. And then I want it rolled up in a ball and fried with cheese, I want a lot of it and I want it right fucking now.

You're so good about coming early. 28 day cycles? Why bother! On most months I get rest and respite for a maximum of 25 days. You can tell the months that I am under a lot of stress as you can't even hold yourself back any more than about 22-23 days. Those are good months. I really enjoy those months.

And Period Fairy, you don't just visit. You take up residence, you unpack your bags, nick a drawer in my dresser, and you come to fucking stay. The first day you arrive it's more like a gentle socializing, a talk over tea and a kind re-acquaintance. You talk and joke with me, put me at ease, and don't impede my daily life at all.

But the next day WHAM! You wake up a fucking banshee and spend the next three days as violent as a fireman's hose. You open up the faucet of hate and you just let it flow, unleashing the horror. Vampires circle above the house. Cats spontaneously go into heat. Kofi Annan walks into the UN and asks everyone to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

And the whole time, you just go at me like a nuclear-powered train. You just flow and flow and flow and then stop. I think you're done and think of my poor beaver passage finally recovering, but oh no-you give me what I call the Last Hurrah, the time when it never fails that the knickers get a soaking as you inevitably unleash it on me when I am in the grocery store, doing a presentation at work, or supposed to be behind the scenes coaching Tom Cruise what not to say on Oprah (I wasn't there due to the Last Hurrah, and look what happened. What a nightmare. I told him if he went on about those fucking vitamins I'd have to limit his Fag Hag Starlet intake, and look what happened).

And as I grow older, you have me outgrowing tampons. That's right. Where once I was just a Regular girl, those days have passed. Now I know there is only one perfect day of Regular tampons, and that's day one. From there on, we get to go through the box of Lucky Charms colors as I proceed straight into the Super zone, even heading into the Super Plus zone with a side of Extra Thick Overnight Maxi Pad protection with wings that inevitably wind up coming un-winged and stuck uncomfortably to my minge. I can't believe that once upon a time I got the option to use the Lite tampons! The Lites, with their sweet little purple covers-they're the reason I can't buy the party pack as they sit there, dejected and unused, like the virgin on prom night.

Not that they're even cotton anyway. Not only do I get the possibility of stuffing something inside me that may or may not cause toxic shock syndrome, they're not even natural. I know this. When you were visiting that one time, Period Fairy, and you retired upstairs late one night? Well, Angus and I were by the fire and decided a bit of How's Your Father was in order. So he removed the drain plug and bunged it into the fire. It blazed there for a while, but you know what? It never burned up. That's right. The next morning we got to retrieve the slightly charred thing and throw it away. I am sticking something fireproof inside of me, how's that for fucked up?

Either tampons are getting smaller as I get older, or else pretty soon I'll need to just buy mattresses and roll them up and stuff them in, hoping to finally find something that staunches the blood flow.

Without you, I wouldn't have the singular pleasure of throwing perfectly good money that could be spent on vintage jewelry at boxes of things that I am going to use up and throw away. I get to chuck £4 at a box of 16 tampons. That's right. I'm paying 40p per asbestos stick, and I'd never pay 40p for anything else that will be thrown away within one hour. And Period Fairy, with a visit like yours-5 days, full fucking throttle on the exsanguination of a chick with a teeny tiny bladder-I can tell you, 16 tampons lasts about as long as Luke Perry's post-90210 career. The plugging of Helen needs a whole lot of tampons.

I feel really attractive when you're here. In bed I have to sleep in knickers and boxer shorts, as you never know when the Super Plus gives up its will to live and the Overnight with wings flies out the window. The bloat doesn't go away until the final day, when it's like letting the air out of a Wonder Dog balloon. Even if I feel like having sex, the messy logistics of it takes away the romance (Gee honey, I really fancy some. Hang on-let me get a towel!) Add on to that the fear that every woman has (Dear God, can people smell that I am menstruating?) and it's a wonder that more women don't walk around in wimples during period times. Oh yeah. During your visits, I feel so hot.

And finally, your visits are becoming more and more painful over time. That's right. I'm not trying to be rude, but there's nothing more fun that lying doubled-over on the couch, gripping the area where I suspect my uterus is in agony. It does feel better to raise my butt in the air, only I can only do that when I'm home alone as it means that gas also makes its way to freedom and there's no way I want to be thought of as 'that fart bag with the cramps on the couch'. Luckily, Angus has discovered a type of ibuprofen at the chemists that is so strong it could neutralize a horse, so I know that once you arrive, it's a few days of making sure those twelve hour doses are met with regularity, else we risk the fart bag scenario.

So in short-gee, I'm glad you're here, Period Fairy. Here in a day full of meetings and on trains, and me with my briefcase and that fucking projector and most bathrooms closed on trains due to fear. So thanks. Really. I look forward to getting home and getting my ass kicked by you tonight.

You bitch.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:32 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 1534 words, total size 8 kb.

1 Brilliant!

Posted by: Madame Chiang at August 03, 2005 09:52 AM (68x1I)

2 Helen, have you seen these? My friend used to use them and she was able to have sex while on her period and no one ever knew. She has really heavy flow most of the time when she's on, and says they always did a good job. http://www.softcup.com/

Posted by: nuala at August 03, 2005 12:53 PM (8ePZ6)

3 You know what, Helen? It could be much worse. Up until just the last couple months, I had 7 full days of the "fireman's hose" each month, with only 21 days in between. The last 2 months, though? I'm down to 3 or 4 days, it seems. It's almost scary, but hey, I'll take it! You have my sympathy, as I'm sure almost every woman on the planet will tell you.

Posted by: scorpy at August 03, 2005 01:01 PM (350kq)

4 I tried to come up with something funny to say, but everything I thought of was icky or inappropriate; so...you have my sympathies.

Posted by: Solomon at August 03, 2005 01:11 PM (k1sTy)

5 You're absolutely correct, the Period Fairy sucks. The bitch doesn't even leave any money under the pillow.

Posted by: Lindsay at August 03, 2005 01:36 PM (GP/h7)

6 The Period Fairy is there? She is HERE, too! And she won't leave. And I have this gala on Saturday night. And I suspect she is going to want to come. Which means that what I wanted to wear prolly won't get worn. And I'll feel frumpy. Damn that Fairy! But then I think, won't there be a day when I'm really sad that she no longer visits? While I'm not ready to have a baby now, its kind of reassuring that having my monthy visit means that I might be able to (maybe). Does that make sense?

Posted by: Serena at August 03, 2005 01:49 PM (OX+n1)

7 Just some bullet points. 1. Another reason I am happy to be a guy. 2. Another reason I tried to avoid the ex on those magic weeks 3. Would planning a vacation around the 15th day between periods then make sense? 4. Closing door before I get hit...

Posted by: drew at August 03, 2005 02:08 PM (CBlhQ)

8 Although I've bid the Period Fairy good-bye in my life, I went through everything you related. Everything. I think I even DID roll a mattress up one time... Oh, maybe that was just a fantasy. At any rate, you, my dear, have hit the nail on the head. My sympathies.

Posted by: sue at August 03, 2005 02:10 PM (WbfZD)

9 Oh wait, there's more in store. There's the gee, I'm hitting menopause, but let's not stop just yet, only pull surprise visits occasionally like some kind of commando raid days. The hurray, I've gone 4 frigging months without a visit so maybe this is it joy, followed by Dambusters, and always when you're wearing the brand-new pair of white lace knickers that you paid a week's wages for because they were just too sexy for words. Something to look forward to.

Posted by: IdahoSwede at August 03, 2005 02:16 PM (9pLjR)

10 If there was any justice in the world, the Period Fairy would leave money under your bathroom sink to pay for more tampons.

Posted by: donna at August 03, 2005 02:17 PM (OPH2F)

11 First, I want to know what ibuprofen Angus has found! Second, I totally understand. I am the same way, just add a migraine in there! And Drew, #4 made me actualy laugh out loud!

Posted by: justme at August 03, 2005 02:34 PM (Qz9tD)

12 We're halfway across the country....how do we have the exact same damn pattern of periods??

Posted by: rebecca at August 03, 2005 02:37 PM (ZHfdF)

13 Actually, I was about to ask the same thing that rebecca did.... I think that we're on the same cycle, and we're getting worse over time. I just don't understand this, but in the last few years, I have been having the exact same thing happen. Damned Period Fairy.

Posted by: amber at August 03, 2005 03:01 PM (VZEhb)

14 Dude, the 22-24 day thing got old like the first time that started happening. When I was 20. I think we should gang up on the period fairy and kick that bitches ass. How the hell is she still alive anyway?

Posted by: sporty at August 03, 2005 03:40 PM (NsnoE)

15 Uhmm...*ahem*...OK...ahhhmm...I'll just come back another time, OK?

Posted by: ~Easy at August 03, 2005 03:54 PM (UQp2v)

16 Good lord woman! You never cease to amaze me. Only you could write an entire post about periods and have it come off classy, charming, hilarious, and completely un-squicky!

Posted by: amy t. at August 03, 2005 03:55 PM (zPssd)

17 Ooh you need a divacup! Seriously they are the best thing since sliced bread and they really aren't messy.

Posted by: dani at August 03, 2005 03:58 PM (1EN27)

18 ha ha, I just started mine too! I didn't know we all put this on our calendars. ...now I have to go and check out that diva cup thingy ma-jiggy. C

Posted by: Christina at August 03, 2005 04:23 PM (axrWz)

19 You poor girl! I feel your pain. I used to have what I called a 'reverse period' where I had a similar heavy flow that would last for weeks. I'd get a week or so respit and the fairy would take up residence again for another 3. That fairy is one evil bitch...

Posted by: Princess Cat at August 03, 2005 04:24 PM (qha9N)

20 "If there was any justice in the world, the Period Fairy would leave money under your bathroom sink to pay for more tampons." Good Lord, that was a great idea, Donna. I love that one!

Posted by: Helen at August 03, 2005 04:24 PM (ATx6T)

21 Dear God women, I am cramping just reading this! You are brilliant-and so right. That Period Fairy is a real bitch.

Posted by: Teresa at August 03, 2005 05:59 PM (41u4u)

22 oh stop it with the peanut butter and the salt and the chocolate...gahhh! *don't mind me, just having a fit over here* :-) ok, all better now. personally, i love how the period fairy makes me clumsier than normal so that i manage to bang, bump, and scrape every bit of my body on every inanimate object within reach. and thanks for the laugh. that was a good one. :-)

Posted by: kat at August 03, 2005 07:40 PM (xJGrF)

23 You wouldn't be talking about my all time favorite medicine, Panadol Extra? That wonderful pill with the codeine coating? The only thing that works, that's for sure! Well, my period fairy returned today and I'm rejoicing and doing cartwheels. My husband's coming back next Friday from Iraq for his two weeks of R and R. And I'll be OVER! DONE!! Sex every night and all day on Sunday!!! I am doing my happy dance all over the room.

Posted by: Oda Mae at August 03, 2005 09:23 PM (uep0B)

24 Ow, stop it, now, quit it already! You're making me double over.

Posted by: diamond dave at August 03, 2005 10:21 PM (DqtzB)

25 What about the extra reminder that "no after eight years you still aren't pregnant and will never be." That is a fantastic little reminder along with my period.

Posted by: judi at August 03, 2005 10:40 PM (j5WNq)

26 Oh, Helen, I truly sympathize with you. I'm crossing my fingers that the darned period fairy has left my life forever - it's been 9 months without that monthly hell. One time the fire hose was gushing so much, all I could do was sit on the toilet. The cramps never went away - not even after I had Andy - doctors so lie about that! Anyway, have a hug and a hot toddy - it will make you feel better emotionally, if not physically!

Posted by: Beth at August 04, 2005 12:25 AM (2/K1s)

27 me too.

Posted by: SeaKitty at August 04, 2005 12:27 AM (4htW2)

28 OMG - that is so utterly rich and d*mn straight on target! IdahoSwede -- You nailed where I'm at absolutely dead-on, honey. It's the surprise raids every 3-4 months that are currently driving me bananas!!

Posted by: Barb at August 04, 2005 06:21 AM (g9qHI)

29 I constantly pray for menopause...

Posted by: Marie at August 04, 2005 06:03 PM (aKQa0)

30 I never nodded my head in agreement so much. Period Fairy sucks.

Posted by: paperboats at August 05, 2005 05:05 PM (siMDF)

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