Dear Egg and Bacon,

Today is your third birthday. You're three today, isn't that amazing? I can't take it in that so much time has passed, and yet absolutely time has passed, and you always remain something I care so much about.

Coincidentally, today is also my father's birthday-he would be your grandpa. Your grandpa and I are closer now than we have ever been in my 31 years, and I have no doubt that he would be sending you loads of presents today and a card full of cash, because that's what he does. I would have liked to have pictures of you holding hands with your grandpa when we would have visited him, holding hands as you wobble your way down Pike's Market. He hasn't always been good with children, but he has changed a lot, and he would love you nearly as much as I do.

Angus' nieces are three, and when I watch them I at last know where you would be in life. You would wake up sleepy in the morning, and kick the day off with some milk. You're using a large, cartoonish knife and fork to eat your meals. You have a sippy cup instead of a bottle. You have your own style, and know what clothes you like and don't like. And oh my gosh, you're potty trained! But let's give me more than 60 seconds notice that you do actually have to go to the bathroom before going, ok? Oh don't worry-I'm not angry darlings.

I promise.

I see you both perfectly, as though you were here. You're a girl and a boy, and I am so sure of that I would bet my life on it. My sweet daughter, you have light brown hair that goes into ringlets and big brown eyes, the Japanese slant just tweaking the very corners of them. You have a kind smile but you are much too stubborn, and you run through tights so fast I'm tempted to keep you in bobby socks forever. You give love in giant fits and bursts and when you explode with kisses I always try to be right there.

My darling boy, you have ash blond hair like your biological father had. You have brown eyes with short lashes, and you are a rather serious little boy. You watch the world a lot and take things in, you ask questions and try to absorb. I love watching you and wondering what's going on in your mind, and if and when some of your questions will come back. Sometimes, I think you know so much more about everything than I do, and I learn from you everyday.

I see you both playing with Angus' nieces too. There are two of them that are 3, and I know they would love playing with you. I see you with them in Angus' Mum's tea house in the back garden, built especially for grandbabies that like to be in their own little tea house. I see you laughing and playing with them, and I see Angus' Mum fussing over you the same as she does over her biological grandbabies.

I miss you, Egg and Bacon. I miss you all the time. I can't believe you were once a part of me and then were gone, and even though you are gone I continue to love you and remember you. Angus and I are seeing a doctor again to try to have a baby, and when I go there and see the pictures of the newborns on the walls I think of you two, and wish you were here so badly it makes me ache. If you get a chance, maybe you can go visit the Baby Pool and try to decide who it is you want for a brother or sister, and maybe together we can make it happen. They will never, ever replace you-you two are in my heart until I die, and even then I won't let go of you.

I know that you are somewhere beautiful and wonderful, maybe more fun than watching Tweenies on the TV while decked out in your pajamas with me, more lovely than the garden with the cats surrounded by my sweet peas growing riot. I hope that my grandfather (your great-grandpa) is there watching out for you. He doesn't say much, but his love is deep inside of him, part of his backbone and his strength. When you're older you'll meet a nice man named Kim-he's not good with children unless they're old enough for adventure, so you'll meet him when it's time to go white water rafting in heaven.

This morning I would have gone into your rooms and welcomed you from your tiny beds with kisses and cuddles. I would laugh and tickle you and tell you Happy Birthday, and we would talk about the birthday party you would have on Saturday. And even though Angus and I both despair of birthday parties, we'd have the video camera out and the digital camera would be whirring away. You'd have whatever dinner you wanted tonight, and I would spend my day thinking: My God, my babies are three. They're growing so fast I can't believe it.

Today I will go into work and work. I will do my usual household chores and I will have my conference calls. I will spend an ordinary day, and I will be missing you even more than I usually do, and I will try to see you laughing and giggling around me, trying to pick up Maggie or snuggling with a worn-out stuffed animal at nap time.

So happy third birthday, my beautiful babies. I love you so much. Mommy is being very silly and is sitting here typing and crying a river for you two, and I'm crying because I love you and I miss you and I hold you as deeply in my heart as anything ever could be.

I wish you were here so much. I wish my pregnancy had gone to term and I could have seen your faces, held you, and started our lives together. But I promise you I'm not angry, I could never be angry with you, and so on your birthday I will light candles for you both and tell you only this-

A mother's love can start from day one.

And for some it never goes away.

Happy birthday, and I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:17 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 1081 words, total size 6 kb.

1 That was a wonderful letter. Egg and Bacon were lucky to have picked you for their mom, even for such a short time. I believe they're out there somewhere looking out for you. Especially this week.

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 15, 2005 07:44 AM (/xzJW)

2 I'm crying a river and I don't even really know you! My niece and nephew will be 3 in December, invitro babies, a boy and a girl. I'll think of Egg and Bacon the next time I see them. My mom recently passed away so I'm sure she's up there looking after them like she did her own grandbabies down here....ok now I'm crying even more... HUGS Helen

Posted by: Juls at September 15, 2005 01:25 PM (9aRbg)

3 You're precious babies are playing with my nephew... tumbling about in cool, tall grass, holding hands and giggling in gentle sunlight. I just know it...

Posted by: Serena at September 15, 2005 02:38 PM (ToHm9)

4 "But I promise you I'm not angry, I could never be angry with you" You could have if they were born I have the greatest two angels in the world, and yet they have the capacity to make sweet, loving, doting, patient, I-would-kill-or-die-for-them, wrapped-around-their-finger daddy angry. They don't exercise that capacity much, but once in a while it happens. Just so you don't think I was being presumptuous by saying my children are the best in the world, JD Power & Associates did a world-wide search and found that the two best kids on the planet belong to Solomon and the Super Model Mrs. Solomon. I have the award at home to prove it

Posted by: Solomon at September 15, 2005 02:41 PM (k1sTy)

5 You wrote: A mother's love can start from day one. And for some it never goes away. Oh darling don't you see? That's what makes you a MOMMY. I'm sitting here crying, loving you. Happy Birthday, Egg and Bacon. Love, Aunt Margi

Posted by: Margi at September 15, 2005 02:58 PM (nwEQH)

6 Oh, Helen... I have four beautiful grown children, but I also have another one who is with Egg and Bacon. No matter how many children you have, you will always and forever remember Egg and Bacon. I know. Thank you for your beautiful post. As usual, you have touched my heart today. You are a person so full of love that it has to be. It just has to.

Posted by: sue at September 15, 2005 02:58 PM (WbfZD)

7 If I could hug you through the internet, I would.

Posted by: amber at September 15, 2005 03:30 PM (VZEhb)

8 Tears here too, kid. Very sorry.

Posted by: Old Horsetail Snake at September 15, 2005 05:01 PM (acLa9)

9 Such a beautiful post...Such a beautiful tribute to your children ... I'm crying for you. I will hug my two so tightly when I go home and I will ache for you. Your children will help pick the perfect brother or sister (or maybe both) and you will love that child as much as Egg and Bacon.

Posted by: Ice Queen at September 15, 2005 09:43 PM (Ct/0E)

10 Beautiful, Helen. Certainly Egg and Bacon know your love and always will.

Posted by: kenju at September 16, 2005 12:38 AM (+AT7Y)

11 I only recently found your blog and am a complete stranger. Nonetheless, I feel your pain. Seven years ago, I was in a car accident when I was barely 5 months pregnant and it came down to a choice between me and the baby. My daughter didn't stand a chance. I'm sure Egg and Bacon are with you and are just waiting for the right chance to bring their sibling to you and Angus.

Posted by: Kathy at September 16, 2005 12:46 AM (0qhAf)

12 I wanted to let you know I've been reading your blog everyday and crossing my fingers for you as you continue the journey that will lead to that perfect little person I believe you are meant to have. My daughter's birthday is today too and we will both be lighting a candle for your babies and sending you positive energy (karmic hugs) I went through 10 yrs of secondary infertility it was 10 years of heart break and then I had my son after that i truly believe everything and anything is possible

Posted by: gutterfly at September 16, 2005 01:55 AM (+IkNr)

13 Just over 34 years ago my very first love of my life was born. In a few weeks (Oct 2 1971) it will be 34 years since she left. Forthe last 34 years I have grieved for her, as you grieve. I wish I could tell you the grief will pass. In my case I cannot. The grief is always with me. I cannot hear her name and be unmoved. I cannot talk about her and not weep. I cannot share her and not weep. Helen, love them always. Love those to come always. I cry with you. Proudly. Charles

Posted by: Foggy at September 16, 2005 02:57 AM (e8Uwf)

14 absolutely beautiful.

Posted by: girl at September 16, 2005 12:13 PM (olEaj)

15 You will be a wonderful mother. Your kids will be so lucky.

Posted by: Hannah at September 19, 2005 09:02 PM (ImQx2)

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