Dear World,

Hi, remember me? We met at that messy do about 31 years ago, the one that involved a lot of screaming and placenta? That? Yeah, I've been working off a lot of karma in my life. For starters, have I finally paid back the time when I was 3 years-old, just back from a haircut and apparently thought the cat needed one too, so I got the pinking shears and headed for the whisker territory? You know, when I had horrifically cut off the whiskers on the left-hand side of our cat's face before parental intervention managed to save Fluffy's dignity? The one where although the vet assured us it didn't hurt Fluffy, the whisker loss resulted in the cat leaning to the left and smacking into walls until the whiskers grew back in? Yeah. That one. 'Cause believe me, I still feel really, really bad about that, and I've become a big animal rights believer, too, so maybe you (and Fluffy, really) can finally forgive me and my horrible toddler actions?

Anyway, I'd like to bring some things to your attention. You may think that the way you've set everything up is perfect, but just pull a chair up to the dinner table here, let me pour you a glass of vino and explain a few things to you. You've maybe got a few things wrong, so I've written up a list of demands that might help shed the light of day on some things you have going wrong here.

- Two-ply toilet paper should be just that. Two-ply. Don't let toilet paper slip in one ply and just emboss the other ply. That's like ripping me off a ply. I'm talking about two solid sheets here. My ass, it's fragile. It needs gentle attention. It needs two ply. Spare me the embossed bears or the tulip-colored rolls. I want it white, I want it soft, and I want two fucking plies.

- Please tell Britney Spears that while I'm envious that nearly teenage faux trailer trash like herself is pregnant, that doesn't mean I want anything bad happening to any babies. So please tell her that Kentucky Fried chicken is not a satisfactory baby food (not even pureed, Brit!) and that running a brush through your hair every now and then might actually help you find one of those missing navel rings you always seem to be losing.

- Jose Cuervo-Stop. Tormenting. Me. Still.

- You should never have pulled the plug on Dead Like Me. Clearly you are one of those Nielsen Rating families, and you have chosen that we must view the tragically plot-incontinent Joey instead of dark and morbid humor.

- Sometimes, it's ok to reminisce about the Huxtables singing "I Just Called to Say I Love You" with Stevie Wonder without feeling embarassed. Go with it. The 80's were a humbling time.

- Destiny's Child. You know what I'm talking about. Make them fuck right off and never destroy the radio airwaves again. And while you're at it, take Girls Aloud with you. They're whipping me.

- Work should be more casual. I don't wear jeans to the Big Office sometimes to be a renegade. I do it to be comfortable in the 8 hours of meetings I will waste my life in a day. Now take off that fucking tie and put some flip-flops on, I'll hook up the keg and we can talk project plans.

- People I care about shouldn't be so far away. Move them here. Now. Or at least un-retire one of those Concordes and give it to me, with my own personal pilot John Cusack.

- Tampons are little lipsticks of fiberglass and cotton. Do you know how cheap they are to make? Do you? OK, now how's about not charging me £4 for a box of 28 white cotton buds I am going to go through in 2 days. Tampons are a staple, like bread, milk and champagne. As such, it should be more affordable. And another thing-PMS? Yeah, it's real. So stop cracking your fucking jokes as we can kill you during PMS and it would be legal. Any female judge would side with us, and would, after our acquittal, sit outside drinking chardonnay with us bitching about control top panty hose.

- Nessum Dorma should only be played on warm sunny days, with all the windows flung wide open and the prospect of hot bunny sex with your loved one on the menu. Please don't play it on the radio when I'm driving hell bent for the train station at 7 am, 'cause it loses its luster that way. Oh, and while I'm at it, please make Sissel's "Laer A Kjenne" (Teach To Feel, I believe it is in Norwegian) less painful and haunting, cause it always makes me cry.

- Orange peel cellulite is a mockery of the female form. Begone with it, I say! Begone!

- Don't try to kid us with those probiotic yogurt commercials. We know it won't give us that much more energy. We know it won't make us younger, it won't make us have a spring in our step and a bloom of color in our cheeks. We know it tastes like shit, like a three day-old handjob popped into a little plastic pot, so do the world a favor and just admit in a tired voice that people drink it because the doctors tell them to, so don't fuck around with us.

- Cats should come in a non-shedding variety. And they should come bundled with a play panel inside so that when they reach a point just before their joints ache and their eyes get cataracts, we can put their aging on pause and love them the rest of our lives.

- Those days when I look across the table at Angus and see his eyes sparkle with love should be something I can put into a bottle, to pop the cork out to sniff when I am feeling lonely or blue.

- Coke should only be served in glass bottles.

- The past should be something that we can forget, if we want to.

- Admit it-you designed women to be unable to work together without fighting. Fix that. It's counter-productive to spend so much time posturing and sniffing each other's asses.

- Which reminds me-please tell men that when women are arguing verbally, it isn't exciting. Clothing isn't actually about to be ripped off as the women succumb to a haze of pugilistic lust. We are not going to fuck each others brains out in our drunken rage. And if we did, the answer is simple: No, you can't watch. Quit asking.

- Despite what Jenna Jamison would have you believe, no, we are not dying to swallow. It's not the single greatest moment in our lives, it's not the pinnacle of our gift with the tongue. We do it because we love you. So please don't shoot it across the face, because sperm in the eye? Yeah. That hurts.

- Teach people that work is not everything. Do it at their own pace. And then get groups of them together to help the workaholic newbies as they learn the same painful lesson.

- Therapists should have plates of cheese in their office. Therapy? Good thing. Cheese? Good thing. The two together? Good mental health and 100% RDA of Vitamin D, here we come.

- Clothing from the 1970's should be banned. Forever. Don't aruge with me, world. Nobody looks good in bellbottoms, not even Angelina Jolie (and I'd go gay for her. And no, you can't watch).

- Curvy should be in. Men should revel in women who have more cushion for the pushin'. 'Cause women with curves? We can ride you like a pony, baby.

- Dancing bears should be set free and cared for in lush protected reserves, and instead their owners should be muzzled and made to dance all day instead while starving and recovering from a back-alley pancreatic operation. Those sick fuckers.

- Teachers should be paid more.

- Politicians should be paid less.

- Recycling should be compulsory and, in fact, a joyous celebration in which the soul feels cathartic and we do a tap dance with each bottle that goes down the "colored glass" chute. So then tap dancing should be compulsory, too.

- Everyone should be able to wear the color yellow.

- Dr. Phil should be publicly stoned, stripped naked, painted with peanut butter and forced to read the EU shipping laws regarding bananas out loud outside of Grand Central Station. It would be payback for all the people that arrogant bastard has hurt. And even then it would only scratch the surface.

- I have a demo to the chairman of the board on Tuesday and I am getting a sty in my eye. That's not on, world. It's not on.

- Life should have more musicals. None of us burst into song anymore. It would help things, I think. Makes the day more interesting.

That's all I've got for now, world. I'll get back to you if I think of anything more. This list is, obviously, not inclusive-of course it also covers the serious things, like no more AIDS, child/animal abuse, suffering, or insects mistaken for Goobers in the crack of the passenger seat of the car. This is just a start. A scratch on the surface, if you will.

-H.

PS-other suggestions for the world are welcome. My demands are a work in progress after all.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:51 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1603 words, total size 9 kb.

1 Here, here! Wow, there's so much swirling around in my head that I can't get to it. Here's my two cents: - McDonalds and Burger King must go, to be replaced by restaurants that are fast, cost the same but are HEALTHY. I bet that would solve part of the American obesity problem. - People who laugh at fat people must gain at least 50 kg until they realize that it isn't funny and totally your fault and such. Because it's not!

Posted by: Hannah at May 13, 2005 08:05 AM (0tNIc)

2 Cats should come in a non-shedding variety. And the nondying variety. Take those soulless geeks working on bold new ways to insinuate advertising into every last facet of my life and put them to work on THAT project, the kitties-live-75-years-minimum project. Ai.

Posted by: ilyka at May 13, 2005 09:01 AM (8mOSr)

3 * Let people know that mumbling "morning" under one's breath doesn't actually qualify as a greeting. * Please make chocolate a diet food and make celery a high fat treat. * Convince the Otter Creek Brewing Company that Georgia is a prime market for Stovepipe Porter, or at least make it possible for me to order some and have it shipped. * Same with Sahlen's hot dogs. Thanks, and if it's not too much of a problem can you get this done by the time I'm back from Spokane? Awesome. You da man. -Jim

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 11:36 AM (MDLz3)

4 What? I'm the first one to demand world peace? I want world peace and spiritual revival!! (I kept it generic to honor your wishes ....and a Taco Bell near my house. That'll do for now.

Posted by: Solomon at May 13, 2005 01:33 PM (k1sTy)

5 I have two requests: 1. For everyone to know true inner peace. 2. No more illness, cancers, etc. For everyone in the world to be happy, live full lives and pass on during their sleep with a smile on their face.

Posted by: Rebecca at May 13, 2005 02:03 PM (ZHfdF)

6 Hangovers should be banished.

Posted by: Marie at May 13, 2005 02:41 PM (PQxWr)

7 It's a tragedy that Dead Like Me was cancelled. I will be mad about that one for a long time.

Posted by: Di at May 13, 2005 02:58 PM (PchyB)

8 just a couple requests... while you're banishing cancer, aids, and als, could you get rid of the common cold too? what a pain in the arse those things are. oh, and i'd like to make 3-day workdays and month long vacations mandatory. mmhmm...

Posted by: kat at May 13, 2005 03:37 PM (tKEYX)

9 Your list this am....ahhh a breath of fresh air, and almost made me pee my pants. Can you ask for stronger bladders after babies while you are at it?

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at May 13, 2005 04:54 PM (f94t1)

10 Are you starting the petition to get Dr Phil to do that? If so send me the paper and I'll sign in a heart beat. Agree with Hannah about BK and McD's. How about deodorant that actually works - doesn't make your under arms smell like flowers while making you sweat more? There has to be a compromise. Oh and Virgin Atlantic should actually be able to give you a free flight after you spend loads of $$$ on transatlantic travel over 5 years on their FlyingClub card.

Posted by: Juls at May 13, 2005 06:02 PM (GJej2)

11 Martha Stewart and Dr.Phil outside of Grand Central Station undressed in a similar fashion. No fat cells allowed in anyone's body. The "stupid's can be cured." Universal health care coverage that is planet wide.

Posted by: Azalea at May 13, 2005 07:16 PM (hRxUm)

12 Some women like sploodge in the face, go figure.

Posted by: pylorns at May 13, 2005 07:36 PM (FTYER)

13 Coke should only be served in glass bottles ...and Dr. Pepper too.

Posted by: Lily at May 13, 2005 10:13 PM (PuHU/)

14 Helen, Spot on for Dr. Phil. The Wanker. Oh, and when you were in NC, did you happen to try the liquid love that is glass bottle Cheerwine? Puts glass bottle coke (still unashamedly admitted the king of all cokes) to shame. to shame i say. :-D

Posted by: Tommy at May 14, 2005 04:33 AM (OJ+GI)

15 "Curvy should be in. Men should revel in women who have more cushion for the pushin'. 'Cause women with curves? We can ride you like a pony, baby" LOL! Yes! I really really want curvy to be in! And I wish I could wear yellow. It makes me look like I have the flu... or I'm dead.

Posted by: Boudicca at May 14, 2005 03:18 PM (z7nbM)

16 I loved it all, but especially the part about putting the cats on hold (age-wise)! That is genius, Helen.

Posted by: kenju at May 15, 2005 03:03 PM (qqG1b)

17 It should only rain during the week while everyone is cooped up in work and school, or at night while everyone is asleep. Definately NOT during the weeked!

Posted by: justme at May 15, 2005 05:42 PM (O5xYu)

18 I wish when we sweat, it smelled nicer. I am scared to hear there is fiberglass in tampons. Makes me think of boats. I would like to bring people I care about closer to me as well, and would like to go halves on John Cusack piloting our plane...or even better, a lookalike pilot doing that. I want Arrested Development to stay on the air, and Joey to just go away. I think Law and Order started a bad thing with three different kinds of shows under the same name...as CSI is now doing. Next are we going to have "Lost: Somewhere in the Caribbean" as well? People should be more forgiving. If you think someone is doing something stupid (as in not the way you'd do it) is it really necessary to cut them down for it? Work isn't everything. Neither are relationships. I wish we could have that drilled into our heads more as well.

Posted by: Kate at May 16, 2005 10:25 AM (lW5D7)

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